Pathfinder Raising Responsible Children

PathfinderRaising Responsible Children

Created by James J. Messina, Ph.D.

Pathfinder • P Principles• A Activating• T Tracking• H Hugging• F Formulating• I Intervening• N Negotiating• D Discussing• E Establishing• R Releasing

• Parenting Principles• A • T • H • F • I • N • D • E • R

Pathfinder’s Foundational Principle

• TEA System Based Principles• Thoughts - must get rational• Emotions - must feel more

rational• Actions - take Actions only

after Thoughts and Emotions are rational and in synch

Parenting Principles I

• Healthy priorities• Let go of fantasies• Unique individuals• Autonomy• No triangulation• Win win solutions• Parents are leaders• Healthy boundaries

• No entitlement• Mutual respect• No overprotection• Empathize • Have fun• Be creative• Curb temper• Describe negative

behaviors not kids

Parenting Principles II

• Catch child being good

• Ignore negatives• Listen to behaviors• Communicate• Feelings are choice• Don’t force lies• Let kids be kids• Give kids choices

• Use consequences• Be consistent• Follow through• Be assertive• Avoid cloning• Let go of guilt• Forgive yourself• no

overcompensating

Parenting Principles III

• Use detachment• Love unconditionally• Healthy sexuality• no stereotyping• Leadership potential• Healthy lifestyle• Promote spirituality• Promote world view

• Career mindedness• Adapt for

specialKidz• No perfectionism• Be authentic• No family secrets• Admit mistakes• Seek out help• Advocate for kids

• P • Activating Self-Esteem• T • H • F • I • N • D • E • R

Activating Self-Esteem

• Developmental focus over kid’s lifetime• Encourage personal responsibility

taking• Promote productive lifestyles• Unconditional love and acceptance• Life skills training and building• Respect as individuals• Encourage self-direction

• P • A • Tracking Structures• H • F • I • N • D • E • R

Tracking Structures

• Self-care• Environment• Chores• Electronics• Family phone• Time

management

• Finances• Recreation• Academics• Outside

relationships• Family

relationships• Family meetings

• P • A • T • Hugging for Bonding• F • I • N • D • E • R

Hugging for Bonding

• Build sense of security• Give sense of being wanted• Establish healthy self-worth• Use physical touch and hugs• Use verbal touches and hugs• Transmit unconditional love• Create emotional connectedness

• P • A • T • H • Formulating Consequences• I • N • D • E • R

Formulating Consequences

• Natural consequences are best• Logical consequences next best• Thinking person’s method of discipline• Enforce the consequences with no

screaming, yelling, ranting or raving• Get them recognized, agreed to,

contracted, outlined and recorded• Then remind and enforce them

• P • A • T • H • F • Intervening in Kids’ Losses• N • D • E • R

Intervene in Kids’ Losses

• Coping with divorce• Coping with step parents & families• Death of parent, sibling or close

relative• Surviving physical/sexual abuse• Parent/sibling with substance abuse• Coping with disability in self or sibling• Coping with disasters or failures

• P • A • T • H • F • I • Negotiating and Advocating for Kids• D • E • R

Negotiating & Advocating

• Linkage, Brokering, Mobilization, Activating with:

• teachers and school officials• coaches and activity leaders• community officials• members of extended family• non-supportive, non-pathfinder

parent

• P • A • T • H • F • I • N • Discussing and Communicating • E • R

Discussing & Communicating I

• Focus on feelings• Don’t be parallel listener• Don’t jump to assumptions• Don’t compete as to who knows more• Listen effectively• Respond with understanding• Use “I” statements not “You”

statements

Discussing & Communicating II

• Clarify what child is saying• Do not belittle or make fun of child• Do not put words in child’s mouth• Make time for discussions with child• Maintain sense of humor with child• Describe behaviors not the child as

being unacceptable

Discussing & Communicating III

• Stay focused on the “here and now”• Control temper in discussions• Use “open ended” questions• Do not use “door closer” statements• Be rational in all discussions• Do not make comparisons to other kids• Help point out when child’s actions are

not consistent with child’s words

• P • A • T • H • F • I • N • D • Establishing Healthy Boundaries• R

Establishing Healthy Boundaries I

• Maintain healthy intimacy • Do not get emotionally hooked• Release anger in healthy ways• Respect each other’s personal rights• Establish clear, mutually agreed

upon, and recorded limits and boundaries

• Enforce the boundaries

Establishing Healthy Boundaries II

• Maintain individual identity

• No scarcity principle• Get rid of guilt• Know difference

between love and sympathy

• Ignore helplessness & neediness of kids

• Get rid of need to be needed

• Don’t wait for time to make it better

• Don’t personalize child’s problems

• Let go of fear of negative outcomes

• No idealism or fantasy thinking

Establishing Healthy Boundaries III

• Put limits on time focused solely on kids• Put limits on money spent only on kids• Put limits on use of external resources

used only on kids• Put limits on use of internal resources

used only on kids• Put limits on emotions spent only on

kids

• P • A • T • H• F • I • N• D• E• Releasing Shame and Guilt

Releasing Shame & Guilt

• Let go of anger in healthy ways• Let go of need to control, fix &

change• Let go of guilt for not being perfect• Let go of shame for past failings • Self forgiveness for mistakes you

have made with kids

Children Learn WhatThey Live

• If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn

• If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight

• If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel shy

• If a child lives with shame he learns to feel guilty

• If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient

• If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence

• If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate

• If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice

• If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith

• If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself

• If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.