Communication How can I get others to understand me?

Communication

How can I get others to understand me?

Intrapersonal Skills

Definition - Those skills used to communicate with oneself

Examples:

-Self-Control

-Self-Discipline

-Self-Talk

-Accepting Responsibilities

SELF

Interpersonal Skills

Definition - Those skills used to communicate with others

Examples:

-Listening

-Talking

-Problem-Solving

-Understanding

Others

Reasons Why We Need These Skills

• They Help us to UNDERSTAND our own behavior

• They Help us COPE with circumstances of life

• They Help us CONTROL situations we find ourselves in

Communication Styles

Transactional Analysis

Child-like Communication

• Easiest to recognize• Most natural to use• Immature• Least effective when

you are an adult• Self-centered• Many teens and

adults revert to this style when they are frustrated or upset

Child-like Communication• Giving orders• Whining• Name calling• Yelling• Verbal abuse• Not listening• Interrupting• Topping• Throwing tantrums• Acting out of control

Parent-like Communication• Has nothing to do with age

or being a parent• Directing other’s behaviors• Effective in getting others to

comply• One-way or dictatorial• Gets the point across• Affects the behavior of

others• Commonly used with those

using child-like communication

Parent-like Communication• Giving Instructions• Directing• Punishing• Demanding• Ordering• Talking down to• “Mom, get me a cookie.”• “Go get my book out of

my locker.”• “Lend me a dollar”

Adult-like Communication

• Highest level• Most desirable• Most Effective

Adult-like Communication• Desire for open- two way

communication• Taking responsibility for

comments and actions• Remaining calm• Showing respect for others’

feelings and opinions• Wanting to resolve

problems with a win-win attitude

• Having trust in others• Controlling emotions while

discussing

Which is the most effective style of communication?

a. Childb. Adultc. Parent

Communication Hammer

Shank

Is like Non-Verbal Communication

It is strong and can be used to support construction or

destruction

Communication Hammer

Claw

Is like Destructive Communication

It is sharp and dangerous and is

used to destroy and tear down

relationships

Communication Hammer

Head

Is like Constructive Communication

It is smooth and rounded and is used to build and help put

things together

Communication Hammer

Handle

Is like Us, the driving force

We are in control of our communication. We choose to use it in a

constructive or destructive manner.

Destructive Communication

• Blaming• Endless Fighting• Character

Assassination• Calling in

Reinforcements• Withdrawal• Need to be Right• Playing the Martyr• “You” Messages

• Threatening• Sarcasm• Interrupting• Swearing• Insulting• Harassing• Teasing• Gossip• Lies• Sexual Harassment

Constructive Communication

• Timing• Asking Questions• Clarifying• Reflective Listening• Respect• Consideration• Listening

• Avoiding Intense Emotions

• Honesty/Openness• Positive &

Encouraging• Keeping Confidences• “I” Messages

“I” Messages

• Help to decrease tension and defensiveness

• Simple structure:– I feel __________ when _______________.– Use feeling words for the first blank– Use what is happening or causing the problem

in the second blank

– I feel angry when you ignore what I am saying.

Behavior Characteristics

Passive• Always Agrees

• Buys from Everyone• Takes the blame

• Lets others walk over them

• Apologizes a lot• Refers to Other’s

Opinions

Behavior Characteristics

Aggressive• Tells others what to do

• Gets angry easily• Forces their opinions on

others• Demands explanations

• Critical• Interrupts• Sarcastic

• Runs over people

Behavior Characteristics

Assertive• States Opinion Calmly• Negotiates and makes

compromises• Smiles

• Takes credit when due• Doesn’t have to win• Can admit mistakes

• Cooperates with others• Listens to others

Conflict Resolution

Step 1 - Define the Problem

-Begin with the Positive

-Describe the specifics

-Express your Feelings

-Admit your part in the situation

*Avoid changing the subject!

Conflict Resolution

Step 2 - Summarize your feelings for clarification

“So you feel angry because took your clothes without asking.”

Conflict Resolution

Step 3 - Look for solutions

There are many solutions to one problem.

Look for consequences. Make compromises.Each person should be

involved.

Conflict Resolution

Step 4 - End with an expression of Love (kindness) for each other.

Conflict Resolution

If a resolution has not been achieved within a short period (30 mins or less), put things on hold for a set period of time.

Then readdress the problem later.

Sessions that go too long have very little chance of a mutual resolution.

Verbal Drawing Exercise1. Down 2 inches2. Right 3 inches3. Up 2 inches4. Diagonal Up and Left 2

inches5. Diagonal Down and Left

2 inches6. Right 3 inches7. Down 2 inches8. Left 2 inches9. Up 1 and 1/2 inches10. Right 1 inch

11. Down 1 and 1/2 inches12. Left 4 inches13. Up 2 inches14. Make a squiggly circle 2

inches around over the top of the line

15. Down 2 inches16. Left 2 inches17. Up 4 inches18. Make a smooth circle 1

inch around at the top of the line

19. Draw triangles around the circle

How Much Do We Really Listen?

This Line represents 1 Hour of what we hear

• 30 mins - we don’t hear what is said

• 15 mins - we don’t understand

• 7.5 mins - we don’t believe

• 3.5 mins - we forget

• 3.5 mins - We Remember!