Humans Arent Computers
Effective Management Strategies for IT
Leaders
Who Are We? Michele Chubirka, aka "Mrs. Y., host of Healthy
Paranoia Podcast, information security feed of Packetpushers and official nerd stalker.
www.healthyparanoia.net [email protected] @MrsYisWhy Joe Weston, workshop facilitator, consultant, and
author of the book Mastering Respectful Confrontation. Also founder of the Heartwalker Peace Project.
[email protected] http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/
Who We Arent
How engaged can you be today?
How many of you started out as engineers or technical staff?
Are you happy and energized by this choice?
Would you like to improve the quality of your professional environment?
Why did you accept a leadership role?
Whats the SLA with Our Staff?
Employees Are the Most Valuable Asset. Why is the relationship so challenging? Do we treat them better or worse than our
hardware assets?
Leadership is not a rank, its a decision. -Simon Sinek
State of the Workplace
According to Wikipedia: An "engaged employee" is one who is fully absorbed by and enthusiastic about their work and so takes positive action to further the organization's reputation and interests.
Gallups 2013 State of the American Workplace
Engagement brings higher productivity, profits, customer ratings and employee retention
Disengagement costs U.S. $450 to $550 billion per year.
70% of American workers are not engaged or actively disengaged.
Those with college degree are less likely to be engaged.
2012 Global Workforce Study by Towers Watson
Out of 32,000 full-time workers, only 35% were highly engaged.
Employee retention depends on relationship with management, trust in senior leadership and ability to manage work-related stress.
Less than half surveyed believed that supervisors have time to address interpersonal issues.
Drivers of Engagement
Leadership Stress, balance and workload Goals and objectives Supervisors Organizations image
Motivation and Engagement
Study sponsored by the Federal Reserve Bank found three main factors motivate people in their work. Autonomy Mastery Purpose
What Can You Do About It?
Power and Leadership in the 21st century
Key Areas to Balance for Successful Leadership
Productivity Relationship Self Care
Human beings have discretionary energy, and they would give it to you if you treat them with dignity and respect. -Paul ONeill, former Treasury Secretary of US under George W. Bush
When one moves into their vulnerability,
then their true power is revealed.
Brain RTFM
"The human brain hasn't had a hardware upgrade in about 100,000 years."
Daniel Goleman, Author of Emotional Intelligence
Neuroscience 101 Limbic System: The interior of the cortex, includes the hippocampus and amygdala. Supports emotion and long-term memory. Prefrontal Cortex: Region responsible for planning, decision making and moderating behavior.
Think of the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex as a horse is to a rider.
Demonstration: A Brain In the Palm of Your Hand
Hold up your hand and make a fist. This is a good representation of the
brain and spinal column. The brain stem, limbic system and
neocortex.
* These two slides are oversimplifications of a very complex system.
The Threat Response: Step 1 Cortex receives input (externally or internally) from the thalamus, a component of the limbic system.
The Threat Response: Step 2 Limbic system and prefrontal cortex (the executive or evaluator of the brain) take in data. Limbic system processes faster.
The Threat Response: Step 3 Amygdala, responsible for emotional response and memory, acts as an alarm activating the fight/flight hormonal response if threat is perceived.
The Threat Response: 4 The sympathetic nervous system sets up organs and muscles for fight/flight response, inhibiting digestion and the hypothalamus prompts the release of stress hormones.
Emotional Contagion The limbic system is an open loop,
influenced by other peoples emotions, aka mirror neurons.
Mirror neurons activate when an animal performs an action or when an animal observes the same action of another animal.
They are thought to be the basis of empathy.
Also called emotional contagion.
The Power of Mirror Neurons Marie Dasborough observed two groups: One group was given negative feedback
accompanied by positive emotional signs, nods and smiles.
Another was provided positive feedback that was delivered using negative emotional cues, frowns and narrowed eyes.
Entrainment
Those receiving positive feedback with negative emotional signs reportedly felt worse than participants receiving negative feedback given with positive emotional cues.
Your emotions and actions are mirrored by those around you.
Negativity The brain has a negativity bias because
the limbic system is quicker than the prefrontal cortex at perceiving and analyzing potential threats.
Traumatic experiences are stickier than positive, happy experiences, i.e. harder to un-map.
No Escape From Threat
Most are in a permanent state of cortisol overload due to the constant stressors of modern life.
Stress hormones stay in the body for hours.
Decreases intellectual capacity, memory capacity and lowers impulse control.
Stress makes you stupid.
Amygdala Hijack? An intense and immediate emotional reaction, followed by the understanding that it was inappropriate. I thought that stick on the ground was a
snake! I dont like you or Im bored, so I wont
cooperate or listen to what you have to say. That guy who cut me off in traffic was trying
to kill me! Why were you so insulting to me in that
email yesterday? (studies show theres a negativity bias in email.)
Other examples?
Thin Slicing
Human beings make quick decisions based on intuition.
This is called Thin Slicing or Fast Thinking.
Thin Slicing: Bedside Manner
The likelihood of a doctor being sued doesnt correlate with the number of errors made.
Psychologists are able to predict which doctors will be sued by analyzing the amount of time spent with patients and if the tone of their voices sounded concerned.
Theres No Mr. Spock
Neurologist, Dr. Antonio Damasio, had a patient who had been a successful corporate lawyer.
A tumor was discovered in his prefrontal lobes and the surgeon who removed it inadvertently severed the circuit between this area and his amygdala.
Somatic Marker No damage to his cognitive abilities, but
his life fell apart. He couldnt make decisions when
presented with simple choices. He no longer had any feelings regarding
options, no preferences. Case is basis for the Somatic Marker
Hypothesis, a theory that emotions assist with decision-making.
It is a gross misconception that reason can be completely separated from emotion.
Bounded Emotionality
Connections matter
How To Engage a Terrorist
Interrogator, Matthew Alexander discovered that building rapport with prisoners in Iraq was the most effective interrogation method, not torture.
The quickest way to get most (but not all) captives talking is to be nice to them. Mark Bowden, author of Black Hawk Down
Common Social Heuristics
Tit for Tat: Be kind first, keep a memory of size one, and
imitate your partners last behavior. Only the last behavior is remembered and
imitated. Political scientist Robert Axelrod found this to
be the most frequently winning strategy. Dont Break Ranks
Is Efficiency Overrated? Study conducted by Gillian M. Sandstrom
and Elizabeth W. Dunn of the University of British Columbia.
Participants who smiled, made eye contact, and talked with the cashier at a coffee shop reported higher satisfaction and moods than those who avoided interaction.
Small, unimportant interactions with others can create a feeling of connection according to researchers.
Social Connections Matter
Anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a species brain sizesize of its neocortex, the outermost layeris linked to the size of its social group.
We have big brains in order to socialize.
Were Wired To Be Social
In the brains non-active moments, it reverts to a configuration called the default network.
According to researcher, Matthew Lieberman, this appears to resemble another configuration, the social thinking brain, which is empathetic.
Make Stress Your Friend A study tracked stress in 30,000 adults
over eight years. Researchers found those under great
stress had a 43% increased risk of death, if they believed stress was dangerous.
Under stress, the pituitary gland releases Oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
Acts as anti-inflammatory which can counteract negative effects of stress.
Your Response to Stress Matters
"When you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience" - Kelly McGonigal, health psychologist and researcher, Stanford University
Methods of Engagement Interaction based on core competencies
of Emotional Intelligence, such as self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and motivation.
Social engineers and con artists use the same skills to create emotional and social affinity with a target.
Conflict resolution methods.
We have to face the fact that either all of us are going to die together or we are going to learn to live together, and if we are to live together we have to talk. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Effective Collaboration Levels
Personal Social
Institutional
Personal + social = institutional change
Communication Models Based On Empathy
XYZ model NVC Respectful Confrontation
Marshall Rosenbergs Non-Violent Communication
Facts or observations Feelings Needs or whats alive Request
Joe Westons Respectful Confrontation
Behavior Impact Need Make a request
"Niceness can be a dodge to avoid engaging in unpleasant interactions." -Bill Kahn, Ph.D.
Goals Learn about empowered, collaborative
engagement. Reframe views on confrontation,
assertiveness, and true power. Achieve greater self-confidence, personal
freedom, fulfillment, and peaceful interactions with others.
My truth The truth
Respectful Confrontation
The practice of developing the respectful self The practice of respectful engagement The practice of respectful offense The practice of respectful defense
3 Fs
Fight Flight Freeze
148 mastering RESPECTFUL CONFRONTATION
arise due to these hidden factors. Lets put on our diving gear, jump in,
and explore what is under the surface. Take a look at the following chart
and see if you recognize these factors and how they influence your inter-
actions. Notice that as you go lower on the iceberg, the unseen factors
get more subtle and harder to detect. As we swim around and explore
this dark world of rich and colorful personality traits, make it personal
to you. See how each factor could color, influence, enhance, disrupt, and
break down your communication, connection, and collaboration.
ICEBERG CHART
BODY LANGUAGE FACIAL EXPRESSION
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS /CONDITIONS AND BODY CHALLENGES
SURROUNDINGS / ENVIRONMENTTEMPERATURE, TIME OF DAY
RELATIONSHIP
POWER DYNAMICPOWER STATUS PAST HISTORY
MOOD
EMOTIONS, PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY, BELIEFS, PREJUDICES, JUDGMENTS,
CULTURE, RACE, GENDER, CUSTOMS, RELIGION, EDUCATION, LOVE
FEAR, WOUNDS, NEEDS, DESIRES,
LONGING, TRAUMAS, INSECURITIES
VERBAL
10%
90%
Hmm, Id like a cup of tea
5 Steps of Clear Communication
1. Contact with yourself 2. Contact with other 3. Desire/Impulse 4. Act of communication 5. Received message
True power = Brute force Confrontation = Conflict
Assertiveness = Aggression
Brute force true power
4 Pillars of True Power Grounding Focus Strength Flexibility
Conflict confrontation
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is what it takes to sit down and listen. - Winston Churchill
1 : FIGHT, BATTLE, WAR 2 a : competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) b : mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands; see DISCORD
Conflict
Confront confront 1 : to face especially in challenge : OPPOSE 2 a : to cause to meet : bring face-to-face b : to meet face-to-face : ENCOUNTER
Respectful Confrontation Definition
CONFLICT: an encounter that leads to the further separation of individuals, the breakdown of relationship, and the disempowerment of the other.
Respectful Confrontation Definition
CONFRONTATION: an encounter that leads to individuals coming closer together, deepening of relationship, and the empowerment of all involved.
If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement. - Former President, Jimmy Carter
157
possible throughout the day. The more you use it, the more familiar it
will become. When these new words become second nature, you will
find yourself using them in your engagements with others, resulting in
deeper, richer interactions.
ALIVE
ANNOYED
APPRECIATIVE
CALM
CONFIDENT
CONFUSED
CONTENT
EMBARRASSED
DESPAIRING
DESPERATE
DISAPPOINTED
ECSTATIC
EXCITED
FASCINATED
FRUSTRATED
GLAD
HELPLESS
HURT
INSPIRED
INTERESTED
IRRITABLE
JOYFUL
LONELY
LOVING
MISCHIEVOUS
NERVOUS
OVERWHELMED
PLAYFUL
PUZZLED
SAD
SATISFIED
SCARED
SHOCKED
SUSPICIOUS
TENDER
TIRED
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
NEEDS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
FEELINGS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
PLEASANT / UNPLEASANT
ACCEPTANCE
AUTHENTICITY
BELONGING
CELEBRATION
CLARITY
COOPERATION
CREATIVITY
EASE
EQUALITY
FLOW
FREEDOM
GROWTH
HARMONY
HONESTY
INFLUENCE
INTEGRITY
TO KNOW
LOVE
TO MATTER
MEANING
ORDER
PLAY
POWER
PROTECTION
RESPECT
REST
SAFETY
TO BE SEEN
SUPPORT
SUSTENANCE
TOUCH
UNDERSTANDING
understanding communication
157
possible throughout the day. The more you use it, the more familiar it
will become. When these new words become second nature, you will
find yourself using them in your engagements with others, resulting in
deeper, richer interactions.
ALIVE
ANNOYED
APPRECIATIVE
CALM
CONFIDENT
CONFUSED
CONTENT
EMBARRASSED
DESPAIRING
DESPERATE
DISAPPOINTED
ECSTATIC
EXCITED
FASCINATED
FRUSTRATED
GLAD
HELPLESS
HURT
INSPIRED
INTERESTED
IRRITABLE
JOYFUL
LONELY
LOVING
MISCHIEVOUS
NERVOUS
OVERWHELMED
PLAYFUL
PUZZLED
SAD
SATISFIED
SCARED
SHOCKED
SUSPICIOUS
TENDER
TIRED
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
NEEDS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
FEELINGS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
PLEASANT / UNPLEASANT
ACCEPTANCE
AUTHENTICITY
BELONGING
CELEBRATION
CLARITY
COOPERATION
CREATIVITY
EASE
EQUALITY
FLOW
FREEDOM
GROWTH
HARMONY
HONESTY
INFLUENCE
INTEGRITY
TO KNOW
LOVE
TO MATTER
MEANING
ORDER
PLAY
POWER
PROTECTION
RESPECT
REST
SAFETY
TO BE SEEN
SUPPORT
SUSTENANCE
TOUCH
UNDERSTANDING
understanding communication
51
VALUES. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
ACCOMPLISHMENT/SUCCESS
ACCOUNTABILITY
ACCURACY
BEAUTY
CALM
CHALLENGE
COLLABORATION
COMMUNITY
COMPETITION
CREATIVITY
DELIGHT IN BEING/JOY
DISCIPLINE
EFFICIENCY
courageous self-reflection
EQUALITY
FAITH
FAMILY
FREEDOM
FRIENDSHIP
FUN
HARD WORK
INDEPENDENCE
INNOVATION
JUSTICE
KNOWLEDGE
LEADERSHIP
LOVE/ROMANCE
LOYALTY
MONEY
PEACE/NON-VIOLENCE
PLEASURE
POWER
PROSPERITY/WEALTH
SERVICE
SIMPLICITY
SKILL
STATUS
TRADITION
TRUTH
WISDOM
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
X Choose ten values from the list
After reading through this list, decide which of these values reso-
nate with you the most. Which ones get you excited and energized?
Which ones are you willing to stand up for if you feel they are
being threatened or violated? Which ones inspire your creativity?
Write these ten values in your journal. Take your time before you
decide.
X Choose five values from your list of ten
Now we are getting deeper into the core of who you are. Of these
ten values, which would you say are your top five? Write these five
values in your journal. Take your time before you decide.
Aggression Assertiveness
Assertive
1 : disposed to or characterized by bold or confident assertion 2 : having a strong or distinctive flavor or aroma
Aggressive 1 a: tending toward or exhibiting aggression b: marked by combative readiness 2 a: marked by obtrusive energy b: marked by driving forceful energy or initiative : enterprising 3: strong or emphatic in effect or intent 4: growing, developing, or spreading rapidly
Respectful Confrontation Definition
AGGRESSION: any behavior, action, remark, gesture, or facial expression that impacts another with the goal to disempower and/or is received by the other in a harmful, threatening way.
Respectful Confrontation Definition
ASSERTIVENESS: any behavior, action, remark, gesture, or facial expression that impacts another with the goal to empower and/or is received by the other in a positive way.
With realization of ones potential, and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world. - His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield.... what is soft is strong. - Lao Tzu
http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/
Key Takeaways Bad trumps good in the human brain. You cant turn your emotions off or leave them at
home. Its like wearing a bad toupee. You arent fooling anyone.
If the limbic system is an open loop, were all responsible for the quality of the emotional landscape.
Stress makes you stupid, by shutting down blood flow to the critical pre-frontal lobes. If you set off a stress response in someone, you minimize the chance of having a rational dialogue.
Confrontation isnt always negative. Resistance to change can be a valuable source of feedback.
Where Can You Find Us? Michele Chubirka, spending quality time in kernel mode. http://www.healthyparanoia.net Twitter @MrsYisWhy Google+ MrsYisWhy [email protected] Joe Weston, writing and teaching workshops. http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/
References Esfahani Smith, Emily. "Social Connection Makes a Better Brain." The Atlantic 29 Oct. 2013: n. pag. Print. Global Workforce Study - Engagement at Risk: Driving Strong Performance in a Volatile Global Environment. Rep. no. TW-NA-2012-25644. N.p.: Towers Watson, 2012. Print. Goleman, Daniel, and Richard Boyatzis. "Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership." Harvard Business Review Sept. 2008: 74-81. Print. Goleman, Daniel. Working with Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam, 1998. Print. Hanson, Rick, and Richard Mendius. Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2009. Print. Kryder, Suzanne. The Mind to Lead. N.p.: NeuroLeap, 2011. Print. Luders, Eileen, Florian Kurth, Emeran A. Mayer, Arthur W. Toga, Katherine L. Narr, and Christian Gaser. "The Unique Brain Anatomy of Meditation Practitioners: Alterations in Cortical Gyrification." Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 6.34 (2012): 1-9. Print. O'Connell, Andrew. "HBR Blog Network / The Daily Stat." Harvard Business Review. Harvard Business Review, 30 Oct. 2013. Web. 02 Nov. 2013. Pink, Daniel H. Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us. New York, NY: Riverhead, 2009. Print. Pink, Daniel. "Why Bosses Need to Show Their Soft Side." The Telegraph 17 July 2011: n. pag. Print. Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer, 2003. Print. Siegel, Daniel J. The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-being. New York: W.W. Norton, 2007. Print. State of the American Workplace: Employee Engagement Insights for U.S. Business Leaders. Rep. N.p.: Gallup, 2013. Print. Weston, Joe. Mastering Respectful Confrontation: A Guide to Personal Freedom and Empowered, Collaborative Engagement. Emeryville, CA: Heartwalker, 2011. Print.