How Flirting Works

5/8/2015 HowFlirtingWorksHowStuffWorks

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HowFlirtingWorksbyShannaFreeman

BrowsethearticleHowFlirtingWorks

TypicalflirtybehaviorDigitalVision/GettyImages

Someone'swhoclosetoyou,smilingatyouandtouchingyoumightbeflirting.ChadJohnston/GettyImages

HowFlirtingWorks

Imaginethatyouhavenoideawhatflirtingis.Ifyouhaven'tflirtedyourselforseenithappen(eitherinreallife,inthemoviesoronTV),youmightwonderexactlywhatthosetwopeoplearedoing.They'reshowinginterestineachother,buttheydon'tactuallycomeoutandsayit.Infact,it'susuallyconsideredcrassandcrudetodoso.Instead,theydancearoundtheissuejoking,complimentingeachotherandusingphysicalcuestoshowtheirtrueintentions.

Atitsmostbasic,flirtingissimplyanotherwaythattwopeoplecancloselyinteractwitheachother.Butwhenyougetintotheintentionbehindflirtingandexactlywhatflirtingentails,thingsgetmuchmorecomplicated.Itdoesn'thavetoberomanticorsexualsometimes,it'sjustfriendlybanterwithoutanyotherintentions.Sometimesonepersonhasromanticintentionsandtheotheroneonlyhassexualones,ordoesn'tevenrealizethathe'sbeingflirtedwith.

Misunderstandingthesignalscanleadtosomeuncomfortableandembarrassingsituations.Themostimportantaspectofflirtingistheintentionbehindit.Sometimesthewordsusedareveryinnocent,butthespeaker'sdelivery,expressionormannerismsmakethemappearflirtatious.Itcanbedifficulttoknowwhensomeoneisflirtingwithyouorwhomightbe

receptivetoyourflirting.

Inthisarticle,we'llexaminethestandardsignsofflirting.We'llalsolookatthebiologicalfactorsthatleadtoflirtingandexplorehowflirtinghaschangedthroughtheyears.

FlirtingSignsandSignals

Howdoyouknowwhensomeoneisflirtingwithyou?Althoughit'sdifferentforeverybody,therearesomecommonsigns.Hereareafewclues:

Usingyournamealotinconversation

Complimentingyou

Askingaboutyourinterests

Touchingyourarmorknee

Leaninginwhiletalking

Standingclosely

Smilingalot

Justoneoftheseactionsorevenafewofthemtogetherwouldprobablynotconstituteflirting.Butifsomeonecomplimentsyou,smilesoften,leansincloselyandbrushesyourarmashetalkstoyou,there'sagoodpossibilitythathe'sflirting.

Tocompoundtheissue,therearealsosomedifferencesbetweenhowwomenflirtandhowmenflirt.Forexample,somewomenbattheireyelashesorruntheirfingersthroughtheirhair.Menaremorelikelytomakebold,aggressivegestures,likeintenseeyecontact.Inaddition,theyaremorelikelytoflirtoutofsexualinterest,whilewomenoftenflirttotestmen'sintentions,usingambiguousgestures.TheSocialInstituteResearchCentrehascoinedatermfortheseambiguousflirtinggestures,likehair

touching.They'reproteansignals,namedfortheGreekshapeshiftinggodProteus[source:SocialInstituteResearchCentre].Ifawomanusesthesegesturesandlearnsthatthemanisn'tinterested,thenshecanalwaysplaythemoffasnotbeingflirtatious.

Ifyouwanttoflirt,youcouldtryanyofthesemethods.Butyouhavetowatchcarefullyfortheotherperson'sreaction.Ifheleansawaywhenyouleanforward,orifhedoesn'tengageinconversationdespiteyourbestattempts,thenhemightnotbeinterested.Ontheotherhand,hecouldsimplybeshyandtakenabackbyyourinterest.Orhecouldthinkthatyou'rejustbeingfriendlywhenyou'reactuallyinterestedinmorethanjustbeingfriends.Howdoyouknowforsure?Therearenodefiniteruleswhenitcomestoflirting,becauseeverysituationisdifferent.Flirtingisjustascomplexandtrickyasdatingingeneral.

Soalthoughtherearesomeobvioussignsofflirting,itcanstillbeaverymessyendeavor.Ina2006articlefortheDailyMail,reporterDanielleGusmaroliwroteabouttryingamethodemployedbyasuccessfulflirterthatsheinterviewed:



Flirtingdoesn'talwayswork.UlrikTofte/GettyImages

Malepeacockdisplayingtailfeathers.PeteTurner/GettyImages

Onleavingthebar,Ispotaroadcleaneracrossthestreetandsmilewarmly.HesmilesbackandIholdhisgazeforanagonizingfourseconds,lookawayand(cringe)lookback.HesmilesappreciativelyandIscuttleofftryingnottolaugh.

Tomyhorrorhepegsitacrosstheroadtomyside.Withapenetratingstareheasks:"Sorry,doIknowyou?"Iapologize,tryingtobackoff.

"Sorry,mymistake.Ithoughtyouweresomeoneelse.""Givemeyournumber,"hedemands.Idecline.Hebecomesangry."Youwerecomingontome,weren'tyou?"Ipanicandrun.

Whathappened?Gusmaroliwastryingtoflirt,butshewasn'treallyinterestedintheroadcleaner.Ittookhimawhiletorecognizetheflirting,andwhenhedid,heseemedtofeellikeshe"owedhim"herphonenumber.

Inthenextsection,we'lllookatthescienceofflirtingwhat'shappeninginyourbrainandbodywhenyouflirtandhowflirtingworksinotherspecies.

FLIRTINGVS.SEXUALHARRASSMENTSomepeopleconfusesexualharassmentwithflirtingandviceversa.Themostimportantfactorhereisperception.It'ssexualharassmentwhenitleavesthepersonfeelingoffended,demeanedorviolated.Thebottomlineisthatiftheobjectofsomeone'sflirtationmakesitveryclearthattheflirtingisunwelcomeandunwanted,butthepersoncontinuestoflirt,thenheorsheisguiltyofharassment.

TheScienceofFlirting

There'salotgoingonunderthesurfacewhenweflirt.Yes,we'resendingthemessagethatwe'reinterested,butwhydothosespecificgesturessay"I'minterestedinyou,"andwhatdotheyreallysayaboutus?Accordingtoscientists,itallcomesdowntoourinherentdesiretoreproduce.Whenweflirt,we'regivingoffinformationabouthowfitwearetoprocreateaswellasourhealth.Therearealsospecificaspectsofourappearancethatmakeusmoreattractivetoothers.

Someofthe"female"signsofflirting,suchasanglingherbodyandstickingoutherhips,areattemptstodrawattentiontoherpelvisanditssuitabilityforcarryingachild.Inaddition,mentendtobemoreattractedtowomenwithacertainhiptowaistratio(specifically,thewaistmustbenomorethan60to80percentofthehipcircumference)[source:PsychologyToday].Thisisalsoanindicationoffertility.

Whenamanmakesintenseeyecontactandsmilesoften,heattemptstoshowthatheisbothvirileanddependable.Womenareattractedtoprominent,squarejaws,whichareindicativeofaman'spowerandstrength.Scientistspointoutthatfeatureslikesquarejawsin

humanmaleshaveaconnectiontoprominentfeaturesintheanimalkingdom.Malepeacocksattractfemaleswiththeirelaborateplumage,malecardinalsarebrightredandstagshavelargehorns.Becausethesefeaturesrequireadditionalbiologicalresourcesandalsotendtomaketheseanimalsmorevisibletotheirpredators,animpressivedisplayshowsthattheseanimalsarestrong.

Whenwe'reflirtingwithsomeonewhofitsthebillforus,thelimbicsystemtakesover(thesamesystemresponsibleforourflightorfightresponse).Weoperateonemotionandinstinct.Ifweonlygovernedflirtingwiththemostrationalpartofourbrains,wemightnoteverflirtorgetadateatall.Infact,accordingtobiologistDr.AntonioDamasio,there'saconnectionbetweenbraindamageandflirting.Hestatesthat"peoplewithdamagetotheconnectionbetweentheirlimbicstructuresandthehigherbrainaresmartandrationalbutunabletomakedecisions"[source:PsychologyToday].

Still,we'renotjustanimalisticinourflirtingbehavior.Theabilitytocarryaconversationandengageinthejokingbackandforthofflirtingalsoindicatesourintelligence,whichisalwaysattractive.Inthenextsection,we'lllookathowflirtinghaschangedovertheyearsandhowtechnologyhasledtonewwaysofflirting.

FLIRTINGETIQUETTEAlthoughtherearesomebasicflirtinggestures,sometimesthetimingisdifferentinothercountries.Forexample,inGermany,flirtingismuchmoresubtleonthepartofbothwomenandmen.GermanwomenfindAmericanmenfartooforward.GermanmenmisunderstoodtheintentionsofAmericanwomentheythinkthey'rebeingflirtedwithwhenthey'renot.

FlirtingThroughtheAges

Today,wemeaning,mostWesternsocietiesaren'treallyshockedbytypicalflirtatiousbehaviors.ButifapersonfromtheVictorianerawitnessedthekneetouching,liplickingandwinkingthatgoesontoday,heorshemightbeextremelyscandalized.FlirtinghasgonefromveryprescribedsetsofbehaviorstooffthecufftextandFacebookmessages.

Someelementsofflirtingareeternal.ArecenttranslationoftheKamaSutra,theclassicHindusexualinstructionmanual,includesseveralwaysformentoflirtsuccessfullywithwomen.Oneincludesthesuggestionthatwhenamanandwomanare"playinginthewater,hedivesunderwateratsomedistancefromher,comesupclosetoher,touchesher,anddivesunderwater



TheIndiscretion,1895(oilonpanel)ConstantAimeMarieCap/GettyImages

again"[source:NewYorkTimes].Thissoundsliketypicalflirtybehaviorbetweenkids.

An1881bookadvisingyoungVictorianmenandwomenonmannersandetiquetteincludesseveralguidelinesforcourtship.Firstandforemost,a"gentlemanshouldnotbeintroducedtoalady,unlessherpermissionhasbeenpreviouslyobtained."Onceheisintroduced,hehasthefreedomtocallonherandaccompanyherto"concerts,operas,balls,etc."However,a"gentlemanwhodoesnotcontemplatematrimonyshouldnotpaytooexclusiveattentiontoanyonelady."

AproperVictorianwoman"willnottooeagerlyreceivetheattentionsofagentleman,nomatterhowmuchsheadmireshimnor,ontheotherhand,willshebesoreservedastoaltogetherdiscouragehim."Thebookgoesontodescribehowmenshouldonlytakethehandofawomanwhensheoffersit,andthatthekiss,"themostaffectionateformofsalutation,andisonlyproperamongnearrelationsanddearfriends"[source:Young].

Overtsignsofinterestweregenerallyconsideredunacceptableonthepartofbothmenandwomen.However,Victorianwomencouldstillshowinterestinmenthroughverysubtlecues.Onewaywasthroughfloriography,orthelanguageofflowers.Differentflowersrepresenteddifferentfeelings,andtheycouldbeverycomplicated.Dictionarieswerepublishedsothateveryonecouldeasilyunderstandthemeanings.Hereareafewbasics:

Today'steenagerssurelywouldnotbotherwithsomethingascomplicatedasarrangingtherightflowerstosendthecorrectmessages.Overtheyears,flirtingevolvedfromcareful,measuredgesturestocuttingtothechase.Accordingtoa2006articleinTimemagazine,it'scompletelycommonfora15yearoldboytotextalinelike"howfarhaveugone"toagirlafterafewdaysofflirtatioustexting[source:Time].Sometimesthegirlreplieshonestlyorshemightsay"howfarhaveugone.illtelluifutellme."Thiscouldleadtomeetingupandmakingout.

Facetofacemeetingsoftenresultinexchangesofemailaddresses,IMclientusernames,orFacebookorMySpaceinfoinsteadofphonenumbers.It'salsonotuncommonforstrangerstomeetonlineandexchangeflirtatiousbanter.Butonlineflirtersbeware:inDecember2007,amanufacturerofantivirussoftwarediscoveredaRussianvirusthatinvadedchatrooms.Oncein,theviruschattedwithusersandflirtedwiththemsoconvincinglythatsomewomensharedtheirphotosandphonenumbers.

Forlotsmoreinformationaboutflirting,loveanddating,tryoutthelinksonthenextpage.

WHAT'SMYLINE?Therereallyisnosuchthingasagoodpickupline.Sodon'tbothertryinganyofthese:

Iseemtohavelostmyphonenumber.CanIhaveyours?

IfIcouldarrangethealphabet,IwouldputUandItogether.

Isithotinhere,orisitjustyou?

Andtheclassics:"What'syoursign?"and"Doyoucomehereoften?"



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"FloriographytheLanguageofFlowers."BBC.September22,2005.http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A5268035

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Rodgers,JoannEllison."FlirtingFascination."PsychologyTodayMagazine,January19,2006.http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19990101000033&page=1

"ScoringaGerman."SpiegelInternational,June5,2006.http://www.spiegel.de/international/0,1518,419712,00.html

Smith,Dimita."ANewKamaSutrawithoutVictorianVeils."TheNewYorkTimes,May4,2002.http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A05E1D61131F937A35756C0A9649C8B63

SocialResearchInstituteCentre.http://www.sric.org

Stepp,LauraSessions."ModernFlirting."WashingtonPost,October16,2003.http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wpdyn/A32792003Oct15?language=printer

Stevenson,Suzanne."There'sMoretoHerFlirt."TheEveningStandard,March17,2003.http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article3851729details/There%27s+more+to+her+flirt/article.dojsessionid=bSyDHrJP12StgVjq52X2NSGyr2YrMQlSn8BRTbJB0QtbVVyGlm1H!1263037535!1407319225!7001!1

Williams,Daniel."WhenFingersdotheFlirting."Time,May29,2006.http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1198940,00.html

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How Flirting Works

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How Flirting Works