Every day at 5 p.m., Vera put on her hot pink visor, Frank grabbed his hand-carved walking stick, and
off they went for their neighborhood walk. For decades, they kept this routine. Over time, their strides
became shorter, their pace slower, and Frank used his walking stick more for support. Then one day, a tumble.
That fall turned into a temporary setback, which deteriorated into more dependency than he wanted to admit …
to his wife and to himself. For a while, Vera and Frank kept this new development to themselves (didn’t want to burden the kids;
they’re so busy). And, the two of them were able to manage just fine, thank you very much … until a doctor’s visit showed some
complications. With that came physical demands that were more than Vera could handle. They needed help, and Vera and Frank
had to come up with a plan to help ensure Frank could get necessary care and Vera could remain by his side. She wished they
had planned for this eventuality earlier; it seemed the tough choices were on her and she felt she had to make decisions quickly.
CaringandCopıng
Caring for a loved one takes devotion, commitment and so much more
As featured in WORTHWHILE, a quarterly periodical dedicated to serving the clients of Raymond James advisors and affiliated advisory firms.
The sudden change in their lifestyle
threw them off course, financially and
emotionally, but over time they got clari-
fication on their options as well as the
support they needed from family and
advisors, and they found a way to fund
the care that kept Frank comfortable for
the rest of his days.
A new roleEven one small health event can distress
a family. And many of us would feel
compelled to provide care for a spouse,
parent or child who needed it, knowing
that our loved one would gladly do the
same for us. But love alone is not enough
to take on that role. There are some
realities – and benefits – to caregiving
you may want to consider.
In an ideal world, we don’t antici-
pate a loved one needing care. But,
in the real world, chances are good
that most of us will become a care-
giver on some level, maybe to a
spouse or aging parents. According to
one study, the number of adult chil-
dren providing personal care and/or
financial assistance to a parent has
more than tripled over the past 15 years
to nearly 10 million people. The thing is
we’re living longer than ever before, and
may find ourselves living with physical
ailments as a result. In fact, nearly half
of the U.S. population will have to deal
with a chronic illness by the year 2020,
according to the Department of Health
& Human Services.
So what does that mean for the pro-
spective caregiver? The reality is that
caregiving impacts people in many
different ways, including physically,
financially and emotionally, affecting
careers, lifestyles and states of mind.
While no two experiences are the
same, here are some common things
to expect and how to prepare should
you or someone you know suddenly be
thrust into the role.
The physical“I’m no superhero; I’m just doing
what I have to do.”
Most of us will need to provide direct
care, help or protection for a loved one
during our working lives. So, how do you
determine what care is the right care?
Consider the time spent on caregiving
tasks, such as on average 10 hours a
day shopping, preparing food, house-
keeping, laundry, transportation and
giving medication. Or that almost five
hours a day are spent assisting with
eating, dressing, grooming, walking,
bathing and bathroom visits, in addition
to five hours a day providing companion-
ship and supervision. Does it make sense
for you to be the sole provider of care or
to split the duties among siblings – or
should you consider other options?
In thinking about the progression of
types of care, first consider if paid care
is in the cards or if unpaid in-home care
is your only choice. Most people want
to stay in their own homes as long as
they can, but family members may be
hesitant to leave someone who needs
care alone. For some, a combination
approach (e.g., unpaid care from friends
and family, adult day care and paid in-
home services) may be a good idea and
could allow your loved one to remain
where he or she feels most comfortable.
However, staying at home means heavier
reliance on those closest to the person
needing care … and that may present
physical mismatches. A 5’2” wife trying
to manage the weight of her 230-pound
husband can be hard, if not impossible, to
bear. It’s already difficult, and stressful,
to assist the one you love with sitting,
standing, bathing and dressing, especially
if your loved one is feeling irritable or
combative. In addition, caregivers need to
find time to take care of their own needs.
Many people are unable to single-
handedly undertake these tasks. This
is where residential centers such as
assisted living (more independence and
less-involved medical needs), nursing
homes (full-service medical care and
supervision), and specific or continuing
care facilities can help.
Discussing what your loved one is com-
fortable with, while being realistic, is
the best way to start the conversation.
Sometimes some level of professional
care makes the most sense, so you can
focus on being there in other ways. Once
you’ve agreed on the best way to get
your loved one the care they need, the
costs must be broached. Does your loved
one have insurance or funds set aside
for this? How much will it cost in lost
wages if you have to work fewer hours,
or not at all? Your financial advisor can
help you add it all up and help you deter-
Nearly 10 million adults over age 50 care for aging parents; up to 44 million more care for a disabled child, sick spouse or another relative.
Some long-term care insurance policies may pay for care by an adult child or family member, but be sure to ask if the policy includes this benefit before committing and keep in mind it may come at a higher cost.
Remember that you can’t properly care
for someone else if you’re not taking care
of yourself. Be sure to build in some “me”
time, in whatever form offers respite. If
you’re providing the majority of care, for
example, consider having someone come
in for a day or two to provide a break,
or perhaps adult day care can help with
social and related support services in a
community-based, protective setting.
Some programs even provide personal
care, transportation, medication manage-
ment, social services, meals, personal
assistance and therapeutic activities.
And many are free, so there’s even more
incentive to take advantage of these
opportunities for respite and support.
Willing and able, with loveAlthough caregiving can seem like a
burden, it often is undertaken freely
and with great love. Some people report
a sense of satisfaction and apprecia-
tion from having uninterrupted time
with their loved one, and perhaps the
opportunity for deeper, more honest
conversations. Many are happy to do
their part, and the payback is a chance
to develop a stronger relationship with
a parent who tenderly cared for them
or a spouse with whom they’ve built a
life. If it gets overwhelming, and it will,
remind yourself of the reasons you’re
there: love, gratitude and a desire to
help. Those things alone can make the
effort more than worthwhile.
mine what works best in your situation.
He or she may also be able to connect
you to resources you hadn’t considered
and other aging-related planning sup-
port, like a professional geriatric care
manager, for example.
The financial“Everything’s on me.”
A quarter of adult children, mainly baby
boomers, provide care to a parent. Still
more also care for young or teenage chil-
dren. All of this takes time away from
family and work. Fortunately, the Family
and Medical Leave Act of 1993 allows
many employees to take up to 12 weeks to
care for a loved one without fear of losing
their jobs. Unfortunately, the leave isn’t
compensated. For caregivers in total, the
estimated lost wages, pension and future
Social Security benefits is nearly $3 tril-
lion. One study estimates that could equal
close to $325,000 in lost income over a
working adult’s lifetime. Of course, it can
be off-putting to focus on money issues
when you’re making decisions about a
loved one’s care, but it is a reality that
must be faced.
When caring for someone still living in
or returning to their homes, the costs of
homemaker or home health aide services
depend on the level of support needed.
For homemaker services, think house-
hold tasks that can’t be managed alone
and “hands-off” care such as cooking,
cleaning and running errands. Home
health aides provide more extensive
care, including “hands-on” personal
care, but not medical care. The national
median hourly rate is about $20, and the
cost of homemaker services increased
more than 4% from 2013 to 2014.
There is much to consider, but
remember, you don’t have to plan
alone for the costs associated with the
care that’s right for your loved one.
Your family and your parents’ profes-
sional advisors can help you figure out
what they can afford in order to help
you determine what you’re willing –
and able – to contribute.
The emotional“If I had to do it all over again, I would.”
Perhaps most important is the emotional
impact caregiving can have on both par-
ties. Your loved one may have to face
the fact that they’re incapable of doing
certain things on their own, which may
manifest itself in anger, frustration or
shame. Aging faculties, too, can result
in erratic behavior. On the other hand,
your loved one may be humbled and
grateful that you are by their side. You’ll
experience some powerful emotions as
well. Someone you’ve loved and admired
for decades is becoming more and more
dependent, and the strong parent or
spouse you remember may not be as
evident. You may feel guilty and feel
that perhaps you’re not the best spouse,
co-worker, parent or caregiver. The truth
is you can’t do it all; you’ll need to set
boundaries for yourself and your family,
and – this is important – get as much
help as you can.
Sources: MetLife Study of Caregiving Costs to Working Caregivers, 2011; Institutional Retirement Income Council, “The Problem with Living Too Long,” 2013; National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP, “Caregiving in the United States,” November 2009; Genworth Financial, Genworth 2013 and 2014 Cost of Care Surveys; Family Caregiver Alliance, caregiver.org; U.S. Department of Health & Human Services.
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