ZAFTIG # 13 - Folly

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writing director - jason melton @captainjmoseswriting director - jason melton @captainjmoses

editor, design - jacob sanders @jacobsandersar teditor, design - jacob sanders @jacobsandersar t

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FOLLY

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writing director - jason melton @captainjmoseswriting director - jason melton @captainjmoses

editor, design - jacob sanders @jacobsandersar teditor, design - jacob sanders @jacobsandersar t

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@liziner

alyssa winans

rose wong

jennliv.com

coleott.tumblr.com

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c o n t r i b u t o r sc o n t r i b u t o r s

jenn liv

cole ott

dan sheehan

liz liner

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Rose Wong

Cole Ott

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I PICKED MY CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS with a shotgun.I wanted to be an astronaut, pretty average fare for a kid of that age. I wanted to float around and touch moon rocks and maybe meet an alien. I just wanted to know what it felt like to float and see if the sun made a cool sound. I always thought it would be cool to see two asteroids collide. My parents would never pay for Space Camp and it was probably for the best because a lot of the training exercises looked scary. Years later at a party I would drunkenly lie to a pretty girl and tell her that I’d been. I would say it was “pretty fun.” I would say the training exercises were “pretty crazy.”

I wanted to be a falconer. I wanted to stand on a hill with a leather glove on an outstretched arm, waiting for my raptor to return. It would come back to me with something fresh and meaty. I’d cook it myself because in this dream I know how to do those sorts of things. My falcon would have a funny name like Hank or Brian. He would fly at a startling speed but always come back when called. In this scenario, I always have shoulder length hair, maybe an unkempt beard. Apparently falconry takes 7 years of apprenticeship under an existing falconer. I wonder who the first one was and how he learned the trade. I started getting regular haircuts.

I wanted to be a zoo keeper. The king of the animals, lord of biological

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conservation. For some reason my status would allow me into the animal enclosures, regardless of the danger level the creature held inside. I’d gone to zoo camp, I did all the ground work. We met in a room that shared a window with the back of the giraffe enclosure and sometimes the giraffes would come over and lick the window with their strange purple tongues. As I got older, I had a hard time understanding bones and physiology. I never “got” bones. I could never memorize their names, locations, or purposes. I would get distracted at the idea that inside us all is a skeleton who does all the silly things we do.

I wanted to be a boat captain. I’d go from port to port with a trusted crew, delivering whatever to somebody, probably. I’d stop at local taverns and tell stories about the sea. A squid of some kind would nearly destroy our humble vessel but we’d escape at the last second because of my quick thinking. I never really knew much about what sea captains actually did day to day. I’d realize later in life that I found open water very scary after watching a video of a rogue wave striking a freighter. It soared briefly upward before crashing back into the surf, spraying water everywhere, tossed like a toddler’s tub toy.

I wanted to be a cool guy with a dark past. I didn’t want any of the hang ups of a dark past but I wanted the parts that would make me cool. I guess maybe I just wanted to wear leather jackets confidently. I wanted a defined jaw and

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tell at parties. I wanted invites to parties. I wanted to know how to do knife tricks and own a motorcycle.

I wanted to be a war journalist. I’d get shot at and take pictures and complain about how no one but me was seeing the truth. I wanted to be scared a lot of the time. I wanted to be haunted but fulfilled. I wanted to see everything and tell everyone.

I wanted to be an advertising agent.

I wanted to be a television writer.

I wanted to be a comedian.

I want to find a place where I can sit quietly. I want to not look at my phone so much. I want to make eye contact more and speak without a nervous stutter. I want a job that allows me time on the couch to watch movies. I want to politely decline unappealing invitations. I want to be the sort of guy who doesn’t lose his glasses.

At some point, I still would like to own a falcon.

9Jenn Liv

Jardley Jean-Louis

Jacob Sanders

Conrad Javier

Sometimes I choose not to mind my mistakes for lessons. I just remember them as things that happened. Here are some of my favorite things that happened:

Wore Air Jordan shoes to impress my third grade crush. The same shoes he wore. Because boys love when you mirror their exact behaviors TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE VERY COMPATIBLE AND ARE PROBABLY, IF NOT DEFINITELY, SOULMATES. Crush saw my shoes, cried, never wore his again. Moved away 3 months later. Thanks for nothing, Michael Jordan § Chose to wear my headgear to school for several years. Thought 1.) I looked good, and 2.) all of my bullies would grow up to be gas station attendants with crooked teeth. Was 100% wrong about both of those things § Had to pee in the woods on a fifth grade class trip. Disrobed com-pletely from the waist down (including shoes and socks) to avoid peeing on myself. Realized mid-stream I was on a hill & all of my clothes were right behind me. Peed all over my clothes § Learned how to gut and filet a fish to impress an outdoorsy boy on a camping trip, because boys love when you mirror their exact behaviors TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE VERY COMPATIBLE AND ARE PROBABLY, IF NOT NITELY, SOULMATES. He caught a bass on the second day and wouldn’t even take it off the hook by himself. He said it was “gross” that I touched fish, and called me fish fingers the rest of the week § Ate with only chopsticks for 8 months. No rea-son. Just looking for attention. Learned no one gives a fuck about how you con-sume your food. Also no one cares when you accidentally throw out the really nice chopsticks with tiny Chinese characters engraved in them that your mother bought you from Pier 1 Imports. No one wants to help you dig through the garbage to find them because no one cares that you only eat with chopsticks NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON § First day as a waitress, tried to impress the cute bartender with my skills and instead spilled 2 glasses of red wine on a woman in a white pants suit. Who wears a white pants suit? § Listened to death metal to impress a boy who listened to death metal, because boys love when you mirror their exact behaviors TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE VERY COMPATIBLE AND PROBABLY, IF NOT DEFINITELY, SOUL-MATES. That time it worked, but then I had a boyfriend who was sad all the time. He used to make me meet him in parking garages and one day I forgot to pretend that I hated my parents and he rolled his eyes and said I had changed § For 13

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Jacob Sanders

years, convinced myself (and genuinely believed) I couldn’t “pull off” sweaters. Still not completely convinced I can § Drunkenly thought my IUD string was a long-lost tampon and ripped it out § Went shot-for-shot with the frat boy I liked because boys love when you mirror their exact behaviors TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE VERY COMPATIBLE AND ARE PROBABLY, IF NOT DEFINITELY, SOULMATES. He got sick and I didn’t. He felt emasculated and I felt like a monster. I did eventually throw up on his lawn later but no one saw. I kind of wished someone saw § Knew I was sup-posed to hate Nickleback, but found myself crying when “Photograph” came on while I was in the tanning bed. Laid ashamed in a hot pool of sweat and tears for exactly 12 minutes. It’s the most emotional I’ve ever been over a song § Set Shark Week as #1 priority on house TIVO. Recorded 168 hours of sharks & consequently deleted 2 yrs worth of saved recordings. Housemates wouldn’t speak to me for 2 weeks. Lost Tivo privileges forever § Accidentally told a table full of my 8 year old campers that Santa wasn’t real just minutes before their parents picked them up § Cared deeply for a boy who wouldn’t tell me he loved me because he didn’t like using “that” word. I lied and said I didn’t like “that” word either, because boys love when you mirror their exact behaviors TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE VERY COM-PATIBLE AND PROBABLY, IF NOT DEFINITELY, SOULMATES. He fucked me in ways I did not enjoy and went harder when I cried. He got angry and dislocated my ribs once. Twice. I apologized all three times it happened. When we broke up I started using “that” word as often as possible § Told a delivery man I loved him § Tore my ACL recreating a YouTube Video. Of a dance routine. Originally performed by a middle-aged man. Then hit on my orthopedic surgeon so aggressively while I was under that he had to send a different doctor to check on me post-op § Fell for a local co-op employee and became a vegetarian , because boys love when you mir-ror their exact behaviors TO SHOW THEM THAT YOU ARE VERY COMPATIBLE AND PROBABLY, IF NOT DEFINITELY, SOULMATES. I singed my hair on his organic massage oil candle and acted like I “totally didn’t even care about that stuff, man.” Except that I did care and went to the salon to get it fixed and he dumped me when he found out because he needed someone with a smaller carbon footprint. He would have died if he knew I used to wear Air Jordans. §

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Narciso Espiritu Conrad JavierAngelica Alzona