YOU ARE HERE!

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!"#$#%&!'()#*+!!!!!! !!!!!,%%#+!!!!!!

YOU ARE HERE!An Honest and Useful Map of CSULB

MARIJUANA WORKS

DO YOU SUFFER FROM:

Long Beach Location

get your

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UNION WEEKLY 29 AUGUST 2011 3

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CHELSEA STEVENSEDITOR-IN-CHIEF

CHELSEA STEVENSEditor-in-Chief

LEO PORTUGALManaging Editor

GABE FERREIRAManaging Editor

[email protected]

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MARCO BELTRAN Senior Editor

COLLEEN BROWN Opinions Editor

ALISON ERNST News Director

STEVE BESSETTE Entertainment Editor

JOHN VILLANUEVAMusic Editor

LEO PORTUGAL Literature Editor

VINCENT CHAVEZ Culture Editor

CHRIS FABELA Comics Editor

OCTOPUS GIRL Grunion Editor

GABE FERREIRAArt Director/Cover

CONNOR O’BRIENPhoto Editor

CHRIS FABELAOn-Campus Distribution

STEVE BESSETTEAdvertising Executive

FOLASHADE ALFORDPR Specialist

Contributors:JEWEL NICHOLSON ZAMEER HASSIM RACHEL CLARE TRAVIS BARON CODY ARNOLDDANIEL SERRANORACHEL FRIEDLAND

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly sta!.

All letters to the editor will be considered for pub-lication. However, CSULB students will have prece-dence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please in-clude name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, edito-rials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance pro-cedures are available in the Associated Students busi-ness o"ce.

Questions? Comments?MAIL : 1212 Bell#ower Blvd. Suite 23, Long Beach, CA 90815 PHONE : 562.985.4867FAX : 562.985.8161 E-MAIL : [email protected] WEB : www.asicsulb.org/lbunion

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TANYA PAZ JAIME GOMEZ KEVIN O’BRIEN ANDREW STOCKWELLFOLASHADE ALFORDMELISSA CASASCOREY LEIS

Well, it’s o!cial. We’re back. Welcome to another hellish semester at Cal State

Long Beach, everyone. For those of you returning to our humble abode, I hope you’re ready to spend nine more wonderful months here. I know I’m not.

For those of you who are brand spanking new to our beautiful campus, mazel-to" ! I’m not Jewish, I don’t know how to spell that, but really, welcome aboard. You’ll learn to love it here, and also hate it with all of your being.

Finally, for those of you who are #rst encountering the Union Weekly, welcome to your campus’ only worthwhile newspaper. $e Union was founded speci#cally for the reason that the Daily 49’er was (is) a piece of shit and was (is) too much under the vindictive control of CSULB journalism faculty, which muted the students’ voices and mu%ed their abundant wealth of creativity. Today, the Union serves as the sole champion of the students’ voice on campus, which is especially vital now as we continue to be mauled with obscene budget cuts and tuition increases. How do we accomplish such a noble and valorous task, you ask?

$e answer is simple: everyone and their moms can write for the Union Weekly. Okay, not literally moms, but

any current CSULB student or faculty member has the right and privilege to have their work published in our paper. All you have to do is send in a submission, whether it be an article, a photo, or an illustration, and we can print it right here in these very pages for the entire student body to see.

$e other great part of the Union? It’s nothing like any of the other pointless, super!cial, trap-like a"liations on this campus. If you’re thinking of going Greek, think again and go Union. Red Cross Club? What good has that association ever done anybody? Just kidding, Red Cross is great, but Union is better. #e point is, we aren’t a bunch of people trying to look like the cast of !e Hills, as you’ll #nd the rest of our student populous to be. We’re mostly a motley hodgepodge of sarcastic, sadistic people who try to escape the reality of this awful place by making jokes and watching good television.

Alright, enough shameless self-promotion, on to nice, comforting things about our collective #rst weeks back in college. Here are a few pieces of advice from a two-year veteran of CSULB and a life-long Long Beach resident. Firstly, don’t take too many GE’s at once—you will never contemplate suicide more o&en in a short amount of time. Secondly,

Taquieria is the best Mexican food in LB, though Holé Molé is a popular and decent substitution. Finally, don’t drive west past Long Beach Boulevard without your windows up and doors locked.

Luckily, this entire #rst edition of the Union is dedicated to helping your #rst weeks at CSULB go more smoothly. On pages eight and nine, you will #nd a wonderfully laid out map of campus, including only the most important buildings and some fairly accurate descriptions of them. We sincerely hope this map and our paper cut your back-to-school anxiety in half so, when the midterm catalysts hit, you won’t entirely combust.

For now, let’s maintain our hopes and dreams and try to forget the fact that they’ll all be crushed in about six weeks. My start-of-the-semester mantra: You can get straight A’s. You can go a semester without earning a single parking ticket. You can lose 10 pounds by going to the Rec in between your 16 units worth of classes. I mean, maybe those expectations are a little high, but practical Chelsea won’t realize that for at least another month. I wish you all the best of luck, and when you feel that you just can’t stand this place any longer and want to end it all, remember the Union Weekly. We’ll try our best to make it all better.

CHEL ME ABOUT ITLETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR

Want to contribute to the Come to our Open MeetingsUnion Office

Every Friday at 2pm?

[email protected]

Photo CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

or send questions & comments to [email protected]

(USU Courtyard next to Sbarro’s)

4 UNION WEEKLY 29 AUGUST 2011

You’re probably not emotionally invested in paddle boarding. Maybe you’ve never even heard of it. Perhaps

you’ve seen someone engaged in the activity and wondered what the graceful action of skimming across the ocean’s glassy surface atop one’s own navigable mini-island would feel like. But it’s most likely that an end to all this speculation is in order, and this article should come to a point. !at point being paddle boarding. Or rather, its shameless promotion and the eventual revelation that reading this article will translate directly into monetary savings for said reader, because I hook it up.

You see, I went paddle boarding recently, and it was fun. Not a drink-so-much-you-act-like-a-dog fun, think changing-the-channel-to-see-your-favorite-episode-of-South-Park fun. Or Glee, if that’s what you’re into. And the thought dawned, “How many people have actually done this?” So a"er a brief and informal survey, where a few of my friends and one uninvited and terribly senile old man who decided to enter my surveyed population like he

owned it served as the test pool, I found an answer: not many.

And I’m tired of the injustice in the world, of the downtrodden being denied the ability to experience a paddle board adventure, so I decided to make a di#erence. Which $rst calls for some convincing.

I know there are skeptics. So long as there is fun to be had, there will be those whose goal is to decry it without $rst trying it. I hate, truly regret, undoubtedly loathe being pushed to redundancy, but like previously stated a few paragraphs earlier in this article, it’s fun. Somewhat out-of-the-box, too. It’s exercise in disguise, because masked behind the giddiness that is sure to follow the successful maneuvering of a paddle board is the undeniable truth of a serious back, arm, and even core, workout. !row on a backpack $lled with food and you have a lunch-date not at the ocean, but on the ocean. Now the one you wish to woo is seeing you as a creative, $t, and fun new addition to his or her life. Please, just don’t litter.

So let’s review. Not only can paddle

boarding reveal to you an entirely new facet of fun, it can help get you $t, which will make you healthier, and save/improve your love life. Unless the one you desire reads this article too, in which case it might hamper your love life. In that situation just take credit for this article entirely. No one remembers the writer’s name anyway. Now you’re golden.

Speaking of valuable precious metals, here comes the good stu#.

Do some research online and the prices might be a little disheartening, but only a little. Going two hours will cost you about 20 bucks, which isn’t bad. Most new movies suck, and they manage to suck upwards of 13 dollars out of the wallets of the masses. Though I must say, Crazy Stupid Love is pretty good. Take points off my man card for speaking the truth, I don’t care, Steve Carrell is a funny man, plain and simple. But, to keep paddle boarding from being crazy stupid expensive, I called up OEX Sunset Beach, located at 16910 Pacific Coast Highway in Sunset Beach, and spoke with the manager. He was a

cool guy, and after some surprisingly brief negotiations, I worked out a little deal. If you’re a first time customer, bring in your CSULB student ID and you’ll get five dollars off your first hour (an exclusive discount for Long Beach students), which brings the cost for two hours of paddle boarding down to only 15 dollars. Just mention this article or the back to school special and you’ll get the hook-up. The negotiations were so brief we really didn’t cover that part, but the employees there know what’s up. Explore the bay and see the sights and hear the sounds of the peaceful ocean-side town located only 10 minutes from campus. Now there’s a fun back-to-school activity available, and at a discount! What more could you want?

A drunkard once said, “You can take a horse to water, but I need to throw up $rst.” What he meant in butchering the common saying, though, was you can’t force someone to experience something. I’m hoping you give the paddle board a shot and save a few bucks along the way. I’m almost entirely sure you won’t regret it.

DANIEL SERRANOCONTRIBUTOR

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CHRIS FABELACOMICS EDITOR

Illustration

THIS ARTICLE IS ALSO A COUPONPADDLE BOARDING: CHEAPER THAN WATER BOARDING

Everyone’s favorite time of the year is finally dwindling down! The days of going to the beach and biking all over town are almost over! So ladies, time to put away your “barely there” wardrobe and bring your “socially acceptable to wear on any occasion” attire out. Don’t think I forgot about all you gents out there! Your “bro-ish affair” days are slowly but surely coming to an end!

Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit here, but I’m glad summer’s over. I don’t know about you all, but I dislike the summer for various reasons. First and foremost, I hate the heat. It does nothing but put me in a terrible, bitchy mood. Before you roll your eyes, let me

explain. !e A/C at my workplace is a piece of shit that never stays at a set temperature, so instead of being a cool 70 degrees, it’s a freezing 50. I kid you not. Everyone in the o%ce walks around with sweaters on, and get this, blankets. Blankets! !ere’s nothing worse than knowing you’ll be spending a beautiful day trapped inside a fucking ice chest. Plus, seeing people’s Facebook updates and tweets about how they’re having tons of fun at the beach while I’m stuck at the o%ce working my terribly depressing life away only adds insult to injury.

The late summer months also mark the re-emergence of school. Unlike most people, I’m actually glad school’s back

in session. Why, oh why, you might ask? Because I finally have a reason to be a productive member of society again. Don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping in until noon and doing absolutely nothing but watching hours upon hours of terrible Lifetime movies and ridiculous talk shows (’sup Tyra) on my days off from work, but that summer routine starts feeling just a bit old after the first couple of days or so.

My lack of productivity seemed to follow me, outside the comfort of my home and into the “real world”. I tried to be productive at work, but instead I found myself in front of a computer reading countless blogs, stalking people on good

ol’ Facebook, making lazy trips to the fridge for a quick snack, or just simply walking around the office trying to warm myself up. As much as I tried to focus on my work, I couldn’t help but daydream and fool around all day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, summer makes me a lazy, whiny fuck. I forget that I’m an adult and conveniently throw all my responsibilities out the window for a brief three month period. The first day of school, however, is the much needed slap in the face that reminds me I need to get off my ass and start getting busy again! With that said, welcome back fellow 49’ers!

TANYA PAZCONTRIBUTOR

LUST FOR PRODUCTIVITYMY DESIRE FOR MENTAL FULFILMENT BEYOND FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

YOU CAN’T SAY ARISTOPHANESWITHOUT SAYING FUNNY. THIS IS ABOUT SATIRE.

Strong satire not only provides a good laugh, but digs deep into the heart of a situation, ridiculing the ridiculous. Satire has an implicit nature, where the critiqued behaviors—behaviors such as the recent debates to raise the debt-ceiling or wars—deconstruct themselves within the satire by being over-the-top and absurd, allowing the satirist to critique vice and folly while not explicitly stating their opinion. Many journalism instructors I’ve had here at CSULB sco! at the mention of satirical news sources, discrediting their value. But satirists are truly a valuable news source, entertaining while providing information, while o"en being intrepid reporters. Stephen Colbert’s speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner is one of the best examples, as he took the microphone in front of both George Bushes and a room full of White

House o#cials and journalists. He was able to criticize everyone in the room, while keeping most of them laughing.

$e most notable satire can be found on television on !e Colbert Report and in !e Onion newspaper. In the United Kingdom, satirist Chris Morris has created top-notch work as he anchored a “fake news” show called Brass Eye, and more recently wrote and directed a satirical %lm called Four Lions, a hilarious movie about suicide bombers (watch it on Net&ix Instant). And let me just quickly note that the Union Weekly is, in fact, NOT a satirical newspaper. $e guys over at the Grunion write satire, but we are a#liated with them only because they are a#xed to our backs. $ey’re like our strange and estranged conjoined twin.

And satire is older than Christ. An ancient Greek dude named

Aristophanes wrote the oldest surviving example of satire around 425 BC. It was a play called The Acharnians, the first in Aristophanes’ trilogy of anti-war plays, including Peace, and Lysistrata. Aristophanes pointed out the follies of war and the foibles of the Greek nation in a profound way that satire continues to emulate today. Lives are carelessly thrown away in wars every day. Governments take actions that are not in the interest of their people, but these people are often left in the dark. Satire sheds light on these deficiencies, pointing out social issues in a way that they become absurd, and in a way that is often hilarious.

While much of the humor can be ridiculous, satire gives a true sense of such things as the unnecessary nature of war—war which is totally deserving of ridicule.


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LEO PORTUGALLITERATURE EDITOR


Welcome to the State of the Beach, the #1 calendar of events on this planet. We got you covered on all the upcoming activities happening on campus and in Long Beach. So hold onto your butts and get your reading glasses on!

Monday is the !rst day of classes. It’s your !rst day to dive back into this shark tank and make new friends and learn new things. It’s the !rst day of the rest of your life. Unless you don’t have Monday classes.

Check out “Movies in the Park” at El Dorado park as they feature Disney’s Tangled Monday-Wednesday. Tangled is actually a really funny and cute movie. Take the kids, or watch it with your funny and cute girlfriend, like I did!

The Department of Art is presenting the GLAMFA Exhibit, which features the best graduate work from schools all over Los Angeles. It has 55 artists and col-laboration from 13 di"erent programs in SoCal; that’s quite a lot of art if you really think about it. We suggest you go take a peek at the opening reception from 5:00 - 7:00 pm on Aug. 29th, that’s Tuesday for all you calendar hating jerks. Since this may be your !rst year here, the Student Art Galleries are located between build-ings FA2 & FA3. Look for the grass around the buildings. If you wanna be annoying and call them, dial (562) 985-4376 and then say sorry for bothering them.

It’s strictly curated focusing on the quality of work and not quantity of ma-terial presented. CSULB MFA students work pretty hard to make GLAMFA as awesome as it is, so go appreciate all the bullshitting they did to get to this point. This is the third year they have done this, so where have you been? Huh? C’mon.

The gallery dates are Sept. 10 – Sept. 20, so go and see stu" before it’s too late!

I guess the Department of Dance is pre-senting 4 the Camera, an outdoor dance !lm festival. It’s at 8:30 pm at the Grassy Knoll lawn, y’know, that grassy patch be-tween the Daniel Recital Hall and the Pyra-mid. It’s free you bums, I know you like free things. Call (562) 985-4747 or visit the campus’ website and look for dance stu". Good luck though, it’s pretty hard to navi-gate through the campus’ website, but you’ll !nd that out soon enough. Look for me, #ailing my limbs around, as I attempt to make my own form of art.

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I’M HERE TO RE-CREW YOU

I stood on the docks of !e Pete Archer Rowing Center on Alamitos Bay tucked behind a wall of upscale tract housing

and palm trees. !e water was choppy. !e sky was closer to night than morning.

Former CSULB track and "eld team member Jonathan Evans stood between me and Beach Crew Men’s Novice Coach Je#ery Vreeland. All around us the CSULB Men’s and Women’s crew teams were busy hoisting skulls, the narrow rowing boats used in crew, down to the docks before

running back up to the boat house for oars.It was Evans’ "rst day visiting the

CSULB Beach Crew and he told me how he had found his way there. Evans said “I ran track for Cal State Long Beach for four years and now my eligibility is up, so I’ve been looking for something else to get a work out in.”

!is sentiment was one I encountered again and again as I spoke to members of the Men’s and Women’s Crew teams. Student athletes who still had the will and

ability to participate in sports at a collegiate level, but lacked the opportunity, at least directly, through the university.

For some 50 years CSULB Beach Crew has been extending that opportunity, not only to student athletes, but to any and all students who are willing to dedicate themselves to something beyond their studies. CSULB sophomore and Men’s Crew Varsity Captain Tyler Heinz echoed Evans’. Heinz said, “...I’ve played sports all the way through high school, ever since I was a little kid. Coming to college and not playing any sports was different for me. Finding Crew was really good. Its the best work out I’ve ever had, I’ve gotten into the best shape I’ve ever been in, and everyone has to work as one. You have eight guys working hard for each other, its pretty awesome.”

Collegiate rowing teams compete in groups of eight, four, two, or one. !e largest skulls hold eight men or women. As Tyler inferred, when all eight teammates are in shape, on form, and in sync, the e#ect is invigorating. !e skull begins to li$ out of the water. !e normally traumatic motion of oars cutting up out of the water and catching the water again becomes a precise %ow. And the skull takes o# over the water.

Beyond the competition that Evans may be seeking, Beach Crew o#ers camaraderie. Heinz continued, “I’m from a small town up in the San Joaquin Valley, a little town called Porterville and I didn’t know a lot of people. Crew was a great way to meet friends and get connected into something.” Women’s Varsity Crew Captain Nina Whittset had a similar experience. Whittset said, “I think I bene"ted a lot from Crew because I feel like in normal classes you’re not really able to socialize with people, you can’t really make friends too well, so I gained a lot of friends this way.”

Whether you are a returning four year track star looking for a new workout or a freshman from the San Joaquin Valley, Beach Crew is a place where you can establish yourself.

LEO PORTUGAL MANAGING EDITOR

STATE OFTHE BEACH YOUR WEEKLY CAMPUSNEWS IN BRIEF

INTERVIEWS WITH CSULB’S BEACH CREW

KEVIN O’BRIENFORMER EIC

CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

For anyone walking around this campus on their !rst day of school, I feel sorry for you.

As far as !rst days go, if you don’t know where anything is, you’re fucked. It’s that simple. You’re either going to get lost or show up late to a classroom full of glaring strangers that are nervously jotting down whatever rehearsed anecdote their professor has to o"er, and you will garner their attention for however long it takes for your face to go down a few shades of red or !nd a seat. The seat usually comes !rst. Well, at least that’s how it went for me. Except my !rst day involved sitting in front of the television in the USU, thinking about friends I could be hanging out with and how much easier my life was in high school, too embarrassed to leave after hitting my head on two consecutive posts in front the lunchtime rush by Subway. I just

couldn’t recover. I would look into a classroom and think, “Oh no. They saw me do it. They’re going to look at my face, recognize it, and laugh. Then the whole class will laugh.” I was a little nervous, and homesick, but who isn’t on their !rst day. With little experience on our own, it’s a miracle most of us don’t end up dying in a ditch before getting to class or falling into a bottomless pit, never to be heard from again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have go through that craziness on your !rst day if you don’t want to. It’s what the Union Weekly is for, so you can read about these things and hope that you never have to go through them. It’s why we made this map: so you, freshmen or even returning students that need a slight refresher before venturing forth into the sea of faces you’ll recognize but never remember the name of, can make an awkward

experience into lasting memory. This map isn’t a conventional map of the campus, but shit to avoid when you’re running late, places to hang out during your break, or whatever else we thought would be a little interesting to see at least once before you settle into a spot with your new friends at your fancy new school, talking about how much you love/hate Professor _____ because he/she _____.

We think our survival guide is pretty handy, and quite stylish to boot. I mean, you don’t see anybody else o"ering you helpful tips with images in full color. But honestly, it’ll be up to you to make your own way around this campus. Who knows, you might have an inconvenient 45 minute break between your !rst class in the afternoon and a later one that prevents you from getting out of this place and going home (or crawling under a mountain of

clean blankets in your dorm) and prompts an exploration. It takes about 45 minutes to get from the extreme north of the campus to the deep south of campus if you take your sweet time. Don’t rush, you’ll tire yourself out and once again feel like everyone knows that you’re just walking around in circles to kill time. There are some landmarks we’ve placed on this handy map that you should !nd and explore and there are some that you should perhaps steer clear of. It’s really up to you. But really, take our word for it; we’ve been doing this whole college thing for a while. Also, although we placed ourselves on this map, it doesn’t mean you have to come visit us. You can, if you want. Our o#ce is really nice and we have an unnamed pet turtle you can come see. Love us or hate us, enjoy this map and don’t show it to your moms or dads. There’s cursing in it.


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Intro MARCO BELTRAN SENIOR EDITOR

Photo CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO DIRECTOR

Map Text CHELSEA STEVENS & STEVE BESSETTE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

YOU ARE HERE!AN HONEST AND USEFUL MAP OF CSULB

Graphics GABE FERREIRA ART DIRECTOR


1. MACINTOSH BUILDINGIf you’re a liberal arts major, you’re likely to enter this building when you need class help. There are now bars on the windows so people can’t throw them-selves out when they need other kinds of help.

7. LIBRARYYou can’t talk on every !oor, but you can sleep on all of them. For the least amount of noise, study in the basement. For the most amount of noise, study at the Starbucks.

5. HIPPIE LAWNHugs and art are free... you get what you pay for. Drugs, on the other hand, are not.

2. THEATRE DEPT.Here’s proof that Glee is a television show and nothing more. Free showcases Thursday nights and Friday afternoons.

3. FA BUILDINGSRefrain from using the word “hipster” around these parts and you’ll be free of dirty looks. There is an art store, gra"ti lockers, and occasional student art gal-leries with refreshments!

4. HALL OF SCIENCEEach classroom is self-ventilated, so if there’s an explosion, only those respon-sible will die. There’s also a greenhouse, a shark lab, and an observatory. It’s new, so don’t ruin it.

10. NUGGETIf you still want to feel cool telling your friends you have a pub on campus, don’t ruin it by regularly buying a beer there. The Greek kids hang out in the seating area outside. Sit near them if you feel like being judged.

9. BOOKSTORETip: Do not buy your textbooks unless you’ll completely fail your class without them. Actually, never buy your text-books from this soulless money pit, in-stead sign up for your free membership on AmazonPrime.

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6. LA BUILDINGSGet ready to learn and sweat: learn because it’s a class, sweat because the windows don’t open. Careful, the build-ing numbers get smaller as you walk towards the library.

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8. PSYCH BUILDINGBest known as the building before the LA’s. If you happen to be on campus af-ter midnight, it’s the only building with an open bathroom. Also, they murder people on the third !oor. Just sayin’.

YOU ARE HERE!An Honest and Useful Map of CSULB

15. REC CENTERJust turned one year old! The Rec Cen-ter is so pretty, it will actually make you want to work out. It’s free with our ob-scene educational dowry, so you might as well take advantage of it.

14. UAMSupposedly, our museum is among the Top 10 in the nation. They have cool ex-hibits sometimes, including permanent Andy Warhol polaroids. Good place to look impressive on a cheap date.

18. PYRAMID!It’s blue. There’s styrofoam peanuts in-side. Some douches call it “The Point.”

11. UNIVERSITY STUDENT UNIONThere’s lots of great choices for unhealthy eating here. There are also layers of fun, including the basement bowling alley, ar-cade, and pool tables, and of course the Union Weekly o!ce in the USU courtyard.

12. BROTMAN HALL!If you have any enrollment or tuition is-sues, you’re likely to "nd the solutions here. It’s the college version of the DMV. This is where all your money goes. Just throw it in the fountain out front and feed the insa-tiable money-eating school monster.

17. THE SHIRE (MUSIC DEPT.)If you’re here, you got lost on your way to Pizzamania or the Rec Center. The hairy-footed music hobbits play ‘neath the ground, their beautifully mystic melodies #oating to your ears from their subterranean practice rooms. Come visit us sometime, we’ll gladly have you over for second breakfast.

13. PARKING STRUCTUREDon’t try to park here unless you’re ab-solutely desperate. Also plan two extra hours to walk to class.


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16. SPORTS FIELDS!They "lmed some of the competition scenes in Billy Madison here. That’s a lie. They actually did "lm American Pie there, though. The "elds are free to use for whatever you like until closing hours. Also a good place to pick up hot people.

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SUMMER JAMZ: 2011DISCUSSIN’ THIS SUMMER’S HOTTEST AND MUSICAL ENDEAVORS

Where to start with music during Sum-mer 2011? First, Sbtrkt released his self-titled album with the wonderful track “Wild!re”, which features vocals from Little Dragon; a rather lovely way to kick o" sum-mer. However, my two albums that have been on repeat were Shabazz Palaces’ Black Up and Portugal. #e Man’s In the Moun-tain In the Cloud. Both are very well cra$ed albums. If you’re able to get enough infor-mation on Shabazz to see him live, I highly recommend it. Black Up is an album I hope will pick up more momentum throughout the rest of 2011. One album that is more summer-oriented is Unknown Mortal Or-chestra’s (UMO) self-titled EP. #e album is super fuzzy, lo-!, and reverb-!lled. It made a great entrance into the blogosphere and

my iTunes. Along with the summer vibes comes LA-based sister duo, Bleached. I guess you could categorize them as garage rock or even punk. Although they’re starting to gain a few more followers here and there, you still may be able to catch them at #e Echo if you act quick.

One album I revisited this summer was Real Estate’s self-titled album. Like UMO, it was a bit lo-! but sounded very beachy. #is album always seems to resonate the feelings of summer; carefree, relaxed, and bummin’ out. Stereogum was able to pull together several indie heavyweights to cover #e Strokes’ album, Is !is It; re-titled as Stroked (clever, y’all). Real Estate can be heard on this tribute album (among Peter Bjorn and John, Owen Pallett, and #e Morning Bend-

ers) doing an awesome cover of “Barely Le-gal”, which was without a doubt, the boner jam of Summer ’11. I personally didn’t get to attend any shows this summer aside from working Paci!c Festival where I snuck out to see Afroman, who sported an all green suit, and Phantogram who previewed a new song that’ll be featured on their upcoming LP (keep an ear out). Prior to Paci!c Fest, I also headed to our back yard, Huntington Beach, for a free set by MGMT with Surfer Blood opening for them. And although Surfer Blood may not have as big of a following as MGMT (formerly pronounced as “manage-ment”, if you’re hip like that), they did a great job !lling the space.

What’s gonna get you through the !rst few weeks of school? Well, if you wanna

feel nostalgic about summer and all the super fun times you had chilling real hard with your bros, give Poolside’s cover of Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon” a listen. #e song is reinvented with a shimmering synth ar-rangement, spaced out reverb, and !nger-snap !lled “daytime disco.”

So what should you look forward to this fall? Several things; !rst, pick up your ticket for FYF Fest (Sept. 3) for a day of solid in-die rock and other experimental groups as well as comedians, etc. Second, what you should already have tickets for: Trente-moller and M83, who are both playing at #e Music Box.

’Twas a good summer for music indeed, and fall will bring some excellent acts to the LA area as well.

The Dictionary.com de!nition of main-stream reads as follows: “belonging to or characteristic of a principal, domi-

nant, or widely accepted group, movement, style, etc.” #e condensed Urbandictionary.com de!nition of mainstream has a di"er-ent take on things: “a gigantic brainwashing cover that the media and the government use(s) to blindly mislead people into all go-ing the same way. Mainstream should die. I hate people nowadays because they are all the same: same trend, same bland-as-pigshit personalities, and same prejudice (sic).” I can see it now: some are vigorously nodding their dread-locked, non-conformist heads in agreement with the latter de!nition, some are !dgeting in their Toms (you bought them for charity, but you really bought them so you would match the rest of the undergraduate population) and have paused their dubstep-and-Rihanna-!lled iPods in o"ense, and the

last quarter are indi"erently stoned or nurs-ing last weekend’s hangover and PRAYING THAT THE WRITER DOESN’T SHOUT AT THEM IN ALL CAPS.

We all have a friend, or we are that friend, who is the !rst of their social circle to rave about the latest EP from their favorite Icelandic Nu metal disco grindcore band and who feels grati!ed by the blank stares they receive from their tawdry conventional companions in return. #is type of friend is also the !rst to sco" at any mention of a band that you recently discovered but that their pioneering selves discovered in 2007 B.C. “Have you heard the new song from Foster the People? #at’s my jam when I’m getting ready for a night out!” “You and your popular music; how droll. Leave me to meditate while I ponder the abstract wavelengths created by the music of my favorite bossa nova industrial opera

group.” For this society-rejecting miscreant, mainstream is lamestream and nothing less than a band that has been heard of by negative one percent of the population will ful!ll their auditory whims. You have to ask yourself whether this person is a revolutionary that will one day victoriously dance upon the grave of MTV and all of its associated artists, or whether they’re just another pretentious punk who has an insatiable need for unorthodox music and ideology. Originality is never a bad thing, but feeling entitled because of it makes you look like more of an arrogant jerk than a beacon of individuality. So, what’s the better option: to go with the crowd and to enjoy each trend as it comes, or to seek out the next big thing and enjoy it until the media takes hold of it and “ruins” it for you and your hipster friends?

It depends on who you ask. Countless

times I have heard people express their disgust that an unworthy acquaintance had downloaded their favorite band’s latest tracks. Countless times I have done the same, bemoaning the loss of my assumed innovation. #e eventual bestowal of the pleasure that an eclectic taste in music can bring, and the accrual of a few extra brain cells, changed my ways. In contrast to these dissenters of all things standard and popular, there lay your everyday KIIS FM a!cionados. #e types who worship at the altar of Wiz Khalifa and Katy Perry. To these two distinct species of music enthusiasts, I encourage you to broaden your horizons. What’s wrong with mixing Lady Gaga with a bit of that underground Siberian rockabilly funk? Why not listen to both Al Green and Deadmau5?

In music, novelty is prized, but diversity never hurts.

RACHELE FRIEDLANDCONTRIBUTOR

MELISSA CASASCONTRIBUTOR

MUSIC SNOBS AND MAIN-STREAMERSYOU’RE EITHER FLOATING IN THE MAINSTREAM OR SWIMMING AGAINST IT

IF YOUR SUMMER SUCKED

Hi there! Welcome to hell! No, being back at school isn’t quite as bad as being cramped in a hot Volkswagen

van roaming through the black streets of your personal underworld. Please take solace in the fact or fantasy that roughly 35,000 other students are entering this semester in more or less the same position you are. Whatever that position is determines the fact or fantasy. Either way I hope your summer involved serial relaxation devoid of motor skills for what seemed like 26 hours a day, much like myself. Sure, maybe you didn’t watch three seasons of NewsRadio on Net!ix or get lassoed into “family time” to watch a poorly paced Bio Channel Zeppelin doc and J. Bieber’s prejac fame !ick, but you were entertained I’m sure.

"e great thing about Summer 2011 was that whether you got snobby or threw money at anything that moved on screen, there was always something good to watch. At the basic level you had your buzz-bang-boom action blowouts (third Transformers, the #nal Harry Potter, Cowboys and Aliens) !ying out the cineplex wazoo, trailed by a surprisingly sparse pack of animated ones (Kung Fu Panda 2, Cars 2, !e Smurfs). At the artsy smartsy level your inner critic may have feasted on caviar-and-cigarette-like #lms (Midnight in Paris, Tree of Life, Submarine) as well as sugary indulgences (Hobo with a Shotgun, Attack the Block, Bell"ower). From here on out I’ll breakdown my personal summer favorites. "ank you for reading this while you also fan yourself with it.


!!"#$"%&!'#!"

STEVE BESSETTEENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

YOU MAY HAVE FAILED TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF CORRECTLY

WELCOMEMovies like Super 8 are the reason why

drive-ins should still be an existing institution across this great movie-loving nation. It wasn’t a metal crunching, robot-sexing tornado like Transformers. It had a fun, summery feel, just like going to the drive-ins.

Super 8 had its share of enticing action, unpretentious and likable characters (the kids were at least Stand By Me good, maybe even better), some non-cheesy comedic moments, and a weirdly inordinate amount of lens !are on top of wall-to-wall chaos. It was a summer blockbuster that didn’t have me grumbling throughout. Except for the end, which was super Spielbergy and basically a cut-and-paste job of ’70s alien sci-#.

"ere were a few parts that looked to be unintentionally cliché and some that were perhaps purposefully cliché. For example, a soldier talking on a walkie to a character we’ll never see saying, “Sir, the weapons aren’t #ring. We’re turning back!” seemed very 1950s monster movie. "ere were also quite a few moments throughout that had a classic Twilight Zone feel due to sound design, music, and the dying need to know what the heck is really going on. "at’s always a plus.

Other summer action movies like Rise of the Planet of the Apes could also stand and uphold the argument of being more than pleasant drive-in !icks, but Super 8 had this underlying nostalgic tone that is a rare #nd in today’s blam blam blockbusters.

It’s scary how great some television has been in the last few years. Louie is one of those shows that will undoubtedly go down in TV history. As what exactly is hard to say due to the di$erent reactions and labels it’s received, but hopefully time will reward it the lasting title of “genius.” If you don’t know, Louie is the cerebral, meta-expressionistic sculpture of superbly original #lmmaker and comic’s comic, Louis C.K. FX gave him nearly 100% creative control and his stellar #rst season paved the way for this summer’s new season.

"e second season was a step in the right direction in terms of depth and progression. You could make the assessment that season one gave us a taste and awareness for what Louie could be, where as season two built on that and ran like a wild man with tunnel vision. It had recurring moments like the strange in!ux of homeless men, the best being in a subway station when a gross man disrobes and washes himself next to a violin playing busker—a perfect example of what C.K. does so well with the show, visualizing the contrast between the putrid and the beautiful. "ere were also two outstanding guest appearances; one by Joan Rivers, who for once did not drive me up the wall with irritation, and a very surreal meeting with Dane Cook dealing with his and C.K.’s real-life joke-stealing bout.

To you, Louie could be disgusting or triumphant, but either way, it’s the best comedy on television.

In the ever-widening world of podcasting, I know I’m unfashionably late in the discovery of WTF with Marc Maron. I found Maron’s talk with NewsRadio star Dave Foley a%er binging heavily on the sitcom this summer. My little ears were instantly addicted to the depth and introspection of the hour-long conversation spurred on by the acid-tongued yet surprisingly heartfelt Maron, a veteran comic and sourpuss. It was no shock-jock-morning-show-Howard-Stern bu$oonery or improvised side-character driven Comedy Bang! Bang!, just genuine straight-talk spilling out of comedic #gures we underlings fawn over so constantly.

Some of the best episodes this summer featured Demetri Martin talking about the psychological abuse he received from other comedians when he was starting out, as well as his mental preparedness for kissing another dude in Taking Woodstock, and Aubrey Plaza’s bottle-rocket rise among the ranks of today’s top comedic collective, even a%er su$ering a stroke at age 20. My personal favorite this summer, though, was !e Onion alum Todd Hanson talking about the early workings of the satirical publication, having a reverent sense of humor during 9/11, and a detailed account of his failed suicide attempt. It’s not an easy listen, but it’ll get your wheels turning. Actually, most episodes will get you thinking, and soon enough you’ll #nd yourself engrossed in some of the most introspective interviews ever conducted with these funny people.

Instead of watching any sequel, you should have watched:

Instead of watching Food Network, you should have watched:

Instead of listening to KROQ, you should have listened to:

SUPER 8 LOUIE, SEASON 2 WTF W/ MARC MARON


!!"#$%"&$#

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Welcome to Universe Univer-sity, the giant blue pyramid in the stars. You are a freshman.

You have choices to make. There are many paths on this journey. Many choices. Many paths. You are a freshman.

First of all, you must choose your ma-jor. The mission commander demands your decision.

If you choose to major in space engi-neering, go to page 2.

If you choose to major in accounting, with a minor in Neptune’s most native lan-guage, Sssnartch, go to page 3.

If you choose comparative worlds lit-erature, go to page 10.

If you choose not to declare your major at this time, go to hell, and then page 6.

PAGE 2Your dreams of becoming the finest

space engineer in all of space could finally be coming true. But there’s a problem! It’s the first day of class, and you’re feeling a bit sick.

If you go to class, turn to page 4.If you skip class, turn to page 7.

PAGE 3Today you take one small step in ful!ll-

ing your parents’ dream of you becoming an accountant. But you want to become an interpreter for the United Worlds, so you decide to study the Sssnartch language as well. Your parents want you to completely focus on accounting.

If you comply with your parents’ wish, turn to page 9.

If you decide to study language full-time, turn to page 11.

PAGE 4You begin to hallucinate as your space

fever rises. All the engiNERDS are start-ing to get on your engiNERVES. You mur-der about four. A campus stormjanitor gets you in a chokehold and ends you.

PAGE 5After finding your schedule, you walk

to your first class of the day, Philosphy 101: Gravity-Free Philosophy, when you bump into a space troll … named Lloyd! He’s your best friend. You go out for pie after class and he pays. He invites you to a screening of the film Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons one earth week

from now. You check your syllabi to see if there are any scheduling conflicts and re-alize that you will be having a big test on the morning after.

If you choose to go to the screening re-gardless, turn to page 8.

If you decide to stay home and study on that night, turn to page 12.

PAGE 6You have fallen into a black hole. Some

cadets flourish after a year of general space ed while they just kinda feel things out, but you, however, did not.

PAGE 7Because you did not show up for your

!rst class, your instructor has dropped you from the class and out of the butt of this

"oating pyramid in space. #ere’s no oxy-gen in space and no one can hear you cream your jeans and you die.

PAGE 8At the Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le

Sssnartchons screening, the movie’s star, Sigourney Weaver, gives you the flirty eyes. You look over at Lloyd and he shrugs.

If you pursue her, go to page 13.If you resist her feminine wiles or

charms, go to page 14.

PAGE 9You are writing an essay on Pluto. The

dog. You’re having a bit of trouble making it not shitty. What do you do?

If you choose to try to !nd inspiration by gathering a list of ideas spontaneously

contributed by a group of friends, go to page 15.

If you choose to procrastibate, go to page 16.

PAGE 10You love literature, and earth literature

just ain’t enough for the likes of you. But alas, you’ve lost your schedule in space! Only Matt LeBlanc knows its whereabouts. You don’t remember what class you’re sup-posed to go to.

If you !nd your schedule, go to page 5.If you don’t find your schedule, go to

page 7.

PAGE 11Your knowledge of language grows.

You are hired as an interpreter’s appren-tice on the set of Le Galaxy Quest 2: Le Fall of Le Sssnartchons. After a few days on set, you fall in love with the film’s star, a cryo-genically preserved Sigourney Weaver.

If you pursue her, go to page 17.If you resist her feminine wiles or

charms, go to page 14.

PAGE 12Your diligence and hard work pays off.

You ace the test and are graduated early. Good job, space nerd.

PAGE 13You, Lloyd, and Sigourney Weaver fall

in love. Together, you open up a spaceship pie shop. It fails, and you all live happily ever after.

PAGE 14Sigourney wants you bad. Your resis-

tance is futile. She takes what she needs from you, then eats you, black widow style. Did I mention that Sigourney Weaver is a space spider?

PAGE 15You are killed in a brainstorm.

PAGE 16You’re beginning to feel really depressed.

#e pressure to become an accountant is too much. You set phaser to suicide.

PAGE 17Sigourney sleeps your way to the top. You

become the United World’s most respected Sssnartch interpreter dance instructor.

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I love to read. !ere are few things or ac-tivities I enjoy more than holing up in a room and reading through the day and

night. !ere are ancillary elements that can surely augment this activity1, but this sim-ple act alone can be enough to occupy me for weeks2. At the end of spring semester, I looked over the expanse of summer with great anticipation. Look at all those unspent days I have to devote to READING!

Naturally, I grossly overestimated the number of books I’d plow through. Instead of reading away my summer, I succumbed to intense apathy and marathon-length occu-pations on my couch, attempting to re-watch the entire series of Bu!y the Vampire Slayer3. !is leaves the actual number of books I did manage to read at six. To some, this may be a pretty damned good number, but to a per-son who starts o" an article with “I love to

1 E.g., pouring rain, a bottomless fridge of beer, no thoughts of debt or impending apocalypse, among others.2 Were it not for #nancial/academic responsibilities.3 I got to season #ve. Question: Anya or Cordelia?

read,” this is a paltry and embarrassing sum. Ah well. Onwards and upwards. Here are some of my thoughts on the most notable book I read over the summer break.

In 2008, David Foster Wallace hanged himself, the unfortunate result of a struggle with depression I can’t begin to fathom. In his home in Claremont, California, he le$ behind the working manuscript of "e Pale King. Apparently, DFW was pretty good about keeping his un#nished work out of sight, but he le$ this heaping manuscript on his desk in conspicuous view. His editor, Mi-chael Pietsch, at the behest of DFW’s wife, undertook the colossal endeavor of si$ing through the pages and piecing together a readable dra$. As a result of his labor, we have half a thousand pages of DFW’s un#n-ished novel.

"e Pale King centers around a group of agents at the IRS Regional Examination Center in Peoria, Illinois, in the mid-1980s. To most people, a goliath novel4 about the

4 With no resolution to boot!

IRS may sound incredibly dull. One of the reasons DFW was such a great writer is that he could take the most banal subject (math or Garner’s A Dictionary of Modern Ameri-can Usage, for example5) and make it the most interesting topic in the world with his unique sense of humor and his idiosyncratic writing style. "e Pale King is no exception.

Despite an abundance of seemingly un-related chapters and dead-end plotlines, the work holds up. Perhaps simply by virtue of DFW’s ingenuity. It’s clear he was push-ing for something a bit di"erent with this work. For instance, he writes himself into the novel as one of the characters. DFW the character claims that it’s a memoir and that he did indeed work for the IRS for just over a year in 1985-’86. I haven’t done any leg work to glean the truth about this, but, quite frankly, I don’t really care. It’s a great device regardless.

Admittedly, the lack of resolution is a bit irksome; however, this is overshadowed by 5 Q.v. Consider the Lobster or A Supposedly Fun "ing I’ll Never Do Again.

the frequent reminders that DFW’s gone. Undoubtedly, had he #nished writing it and were he still alive, "e Pale King would be a very di"erent book than what we have today. Nevertheless, it’s still a compelling read and a worthy follow-up novel to his brilliant In-#nite Jest. Check it out if you feel like ignor-ing your responsibilities and shelling up in a room for a few days6.

6 I may or may not have been kidding about this review being un#nished.

COREY LEISUNION STAFFER

THE PALE KINGAN UNFINISHED REVIEW OF AN UNFINISHED NOVEL


!!"#$%"&$#

1

Alumna & Olympian

M I S T Y M AY - T R A E NORAutograph Signing5:oo pm ~ 7:oo pm

prizes, giveaways and activities


I hate summer classes. I honestly take them thinking I’ll get the same credit for half the work. Wrong. Its more like,

the same amount work in half the time. As I am close to graduating, I decided to take two classes this summer. Never again. With work every other day and sitting through class for 8 hours a day twice a week, I was on suicide watch.

For a while I was using energy drinks to get me through my long days, but I’m not the biggest fan of drinks like Red Bull and Monster. !ese are nasty drinks that “cool” people pound when they are in a hurry and have had no sleep the night before. Frankly, they make me too jittery. Oh yeah, and ap-parently they can kill you! Did you hear the story about that healthy 18-year-old man who died playing basketball a"er drinking two cans of Red Bull? Don’t worry if you haven’t, the punch-line isn’t funny.

!e point is, the bene#ts of these drinks are heavily outweighed by the drawbacks. While stressing over mid-terms, my girlfriend, Brea, o$ered me something she called her per-sonal “relaxi-taxi.” Assuring me that she wasn’t referring to weed, she said: “Dude, Just Chill.”

What Brea was o$ering me was in fact an all natural, vitamin-pumped, functional drink, appropriately named: “Just Chill.” She usually drinks one a"er the hour of tra%c she sits in daily. It helps her calm down and relax, but without any drowsy or sleepy a"er e$ects.

Naturally (pun intended), I sought out to prove her wrong and did some research. Yet it seemed that Brea was right. I looked at the ingredients on one of these cans and I could have sworn I was looking at the back of a Centrum bottle. Vitamins B and C, zinc, ginseng, ginkgo biloba, and anything else my mom would be thrilled to hear about. !e best part? It tastes like a day at a tropi-cal beach (sans the sand in your shorts). I really don’t think I would have been able to pass History or Rhetoric without a couple of these babies during #nals week. !ey hon-estly calmed me down, and let me focus on the task at hand. I recommend dropping by Whole Foods and picking some up. Oh, and I am not saying that I have tried it, but ‘Just Chill’ also mixes incredibly well with vodka. You know, for a!er you ace that #nal.

For an in-depth reaction to Just Chill check out the sidebar.

Work this newly minted phrase into con-versation and I’ll buy you a pony!

Procrastibate: to replace high-priority tasks with acts of self-love

Example: Yeah, I should be studying but I’m gonna procrastibate instead.

JAIME GOMEZCONTRIBUTOR

CULTURE

DUDE, JUST CHILLLETTING GO OF STRESS THE ALL NATURAL WAY

PHRASE THAT PAYS

“I’m not drinking this shit, [the label] uses Papyrus.” -Gabe Ferreira

“It’s juicy…”-Leo Portugal

“Tastes like mango…No seriously, I’d drink that. What is this?”-Chelsea Stevens

“Ooh, it’s !zzy. I heard it be !zzy.”-Colleen Brown

“It doesn’t taste like the piss most energy drinks taste like, but it still has a crappy mouth feeling.”-Chris Fabela

UNION REVIEWS ~JUST CHILL~PA

Photo CONNOR O’BRIEN PHOTO EDITOR

LISA VAN WIJKUNION STAFFER

UNION STAFFGROUP COLLABO

CHRIS FABELACOMICS EDITOR

!!"#$%

POOP SANDWICH

SHAKABACCA

EASY

HARD

EASY

HARD


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Think you can do better? Clearly the bar has not been set very high. Send in your own Shaka-bacca dialogue and we’ll probably run it! Email the comics editor at [email protected]

Check out these hot celebs sporting the latest chic looks straight from France. It’s body swapping, or as it’s more popularly known “Bodden.” Celebs are lining up at their local surgery place so they can get a taste of what it’s like to live life on the wild side. Vin Diesel, who now prefers to be called Cat Von Diesel was the !rst to get the operation, citing that his love for his cat was too great for any mortal to understand.

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Disclaimer:"is page is satire. We are not ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email

all compliments to [email protected],

and have a nice cry.

*0@*AB

BY CAMPUS DEEP-THROAT

I decided to come for-ward with this information for several reasons. I’ve lost my wife, my kids, my purse

and now I’m about to lose my life so it’s about time that I come forward with information about the inner workings of this campus. As many of you already know, this semester’s tu-ition went up, and I’m sure this will continue until someone puts a stop to it. I think I can be that guy—the guy that gets remembered for making a di#erence in people’s lives as op-posed to the guy that was caught rubbing his testicles on the hand rails.

Many of my colleagues think it might put my life in danger if I come forward with this information. "ey called me crazy and said that maybe I’ve been out in the sun too long, but I just don’t care anymore. Can you blame me? I’m so fed up with all the lies and the secrecy and late night Coke par-ties in the pyramid, and for what? So that I can go home to my wife and squeeze on her breasts until milk comes out? I thought that by just letting it slide that I would be okay. But every day the weight on my chest

gets heavier and heavier and now it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look into my kid’s eyes without cringing at the thought of my poor boy meeting the same fate that I’ve been forced to endure. One day I’m going to crack. I’m going to be sitting at Arby’s with my $accid penis hanging out of my pants and scream, “I have the body of a pig.” I don’t want to lose my child. He’s the only thing I have since my wife le% me. He’s so thin and malnourished that his skin is starting to feel like plastic. It’s why I’m doing this. All for him. All for us.

I’ve been going through the records for a while now, trying to !nd some solid evidence to hold against those jerks at the top, and I think I’ve found it. "e only caveat to telling you this information is that I will need to go into hiding. "e higher ups have their hands in some deep stu# and I don’t think I’ll be able to remain anonymous for too long. A gray car has been tailing me for weeks and I can only assume that it’s the mob. "e school mob. "ey’re a%er something. Trying to kill me maybe. Or that guy form the television. "e one with the crooked eye that only talks

about cherry cola. He could be trying to kill me too.

"e expenses all seemed normal at !rst. Six dollars for a box of condoms, a thousand dollars for yacht cream, six hundred dollars for anal reconstructive surgery. Typical stu# for any campus administration. Everything seemed a little too normal. But as I dug deeper into the records, a name kept pop-ping up: Archie Greeble.

Six years ago, a janitor named Archie Greeble disappeared. It was strange when he didn’t show up since he was always on time and always ready to work. He had only been working at the school a couple weeks when he was called up to the top to clean the of-!ces of the big wigs. Two days later. He was gone. No one saw him again. I don’t know

why they have this information in the re-cords, but they did. Now I got them. "ey killed Greeble. "en they used their crazy pull to keep this secret by labeling random purchases, but I know, and they probably know, where the money is going.

"ese kids are out here every week do-ing God knows how many sexual favors and crotch kisses and tickle parties so they can pay for what they think is a good education. "ese people have no right to charge what they’re charging.

Why spend so much money to cover it up? Why even kill a person? Why would they let me see this information? Unless they’re on to me. Someone please !nd out if they’re onto me and tell me. I don’t want to die, ever.

Picture of Greeble (far left) taken a few weeks before he was sent to the olympic-sized pool in the sky.

-*B@9'4/CABC9':0A'@BDE'CB:@10@'F1C'3@/-.G@'CB3B0H'H/*H*10'*03CB:@B'

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