Whitman College Pioneer - Spring 2010 Issue 3 - Humor

The PioneerIssue 3

Feb. 11, 2010

Page 12 BackpageDear Elizabeth, Remember when I said, “in

sickness and in health, until death

do you part . . . ”? Love, John Edwards

Democratic Presidential

Candidate ’12

Dear Frances Quinn Hunter, Sometimes even grown-ups

make mistakes. Then, occasional-

ly, they lie about it for two years.

I know I promised I wouldn’t

deny your existence, but who can

stay angry at a guy who has the

winning smile of a young school-

boy? I’m sending over Mr. Young

to take you to the circus and then

autograph some headshots.Love, John Edwards Democratic Presidential Candidate ’12

Dear Billy Ray Cyrus, Lloyd Blankfein

and the Head of Captain Morgan’s Ad-

vertising,

Are we still on for poker night

on Thursday? Me and my Opie-remi-

niscent haircut are taking you guys to

town! Young can’t make it as he is busy

building a bicycle for Frances, but for-

get that tool. See you d-bags then!

Love, John Edwards

Democratic Presidential

Candidate ’12

The Supreme Court recently ruled that corporations are free to spend unlimited amounts of their own cash on political advertising for the first time. Within only weeks of this announcement, the following ads have hit newsstands.

Corporate political ads

Unleash the power of the sun!

for offshore drilling

(After we tap Alaska)

Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

against gun control

John Edwards has admitted to having an affair with Rielle Hunter. However, it was only recently uncovered that Edwards promised his mistress the Dave Matthews Band would play at their rooftop marriage after his wife, Elizabeth, died from cancer. This was only one of many promises John Edwards has made and broken, all of which he blamed on his assistant, Mr. Young. Here’s a look at some of his handiwork.

Scout’s honor

supports Timmy Rothschild for Neil Cummins Elementary School President

...and not that slut Rebecca

Kellogg’s cereal is pro-

Gotta have my pops!How do things work around the newsfeed office?

I run a tight ship. There are many people working under me, ya see. The newsfeed these days, it’s CUTTHROAT. It’s like a well-oiled machine; we’ve got reporters working round the clock breaking stories like Jenny “Snookie” Maranell’s pleas to “FB or e-mail” her because of her “hella-broke” phone. Or, reports on that “crazy SICK tattoo” Katie Keller just got 32 sec-onds ago, or the five friends that became fans of “Morgan Freeman’s Voice.”

Our news is like a cup of fine Ital-ian espresso that hasn’t been filtered. It’s gritty, earthy, real coffee straight from the source the way men oughtta drink it. Leaves a burnt feeling in your mouth, don’t it? It’s a tough business to dig up these stories but when we break ‘em, WE BREAK ‘em. We’re not scared to say it like it is, ya see. We’re reporting the news, kid, not tying a bib on you and spoon-feeding you mashed bananas with a baby-blue plastic spoon. NONE OF THAT. You want the news? You’ll get the NEWS.

Well said, Mr. Hearst. What, in your opinion, is the “golden age” of your publishing career?

Kid, you may be too young to un-derstand but back in the mid 2000s, Facebook changed. All of a sudden, we weren’t just breaking news about notifi-cations, we were breaking bigger things. Pictures of Nicole Katalina’s “2NiTeS Gonna B A gOOd NiTe/Tech N9ne concert/New Puppy!”, more reports on which “Sex and the City” character your friends would be, who’s staying up way too late to finish a paper. You know, the REAL stuff that I’ve been talking about. This, kid, is where real journalists are made, writing free like cowboys on their mustangs lassoing in bison on the great plains.

Quite like it. Is there any “insid-er information” you can tell us? Maybe a secret that only journal-ists for the newsfeed know?

Ya, I can tell you something, straight up, face to face, the way the public needs to hear it. Laura’s not going to name her baby “Megatron” even if 100,000 people join her group. It’s just the way the world works, kid.

Thanks so much Mr. Hearst. Your integrity, honesty and time are greatly appreciated.

Facebook’s newsfeed revealed

Valentine cut-outs!

9 p.m.—Hey! My name is Jeff Lunderman and I am

9:01 p.m.—Wait, was that really the title sequence? Hey “LOST” writers, let me introduce you to a show called “Gilligan’s Island.” Quality title sequence. Wait, is this a reboot?

9:10 p.m.—Wow. There is a whole lot of yelling going on in this show. Also, a plane?

9:07 p.m.—Huh? BTW, I don’t think it’s a reboot because I haven’t seen a Skipper figure yet.

9:12 p.m.—Okay, this is more my speed! There is a well-conceived advertisement for Werther’s in which an old man on a park bench is offering a younger kid a Werther’s Original Hard Chew. The kid accepts! A touching moment of cross-generational enjoyment for a delicious cara-mel flavor. Bravo Werthers!

9:28 p.m.—Fuck, it’s back on again.

9:30 p.m.—This is some kind of joke, right? You are telling me that this show has sustained a devoted fan-base for FIVE SEA-SONS?! This show is like having a friend who ends every sen-tence half way through. I can’t believe—

9:27 p.m.—Umm. Whoa? When?

9:25 p.m.—Awesome. There is this commercial on right now for the Snuggie. I love this ad!

9:40 p.m.—WHAT’S IN THE BOX?! JK, but doesn’t Brad Pitt’s character in “Se7en” remind you of this Jack guy?

9:43 p.m.—Using the mute button makes this show kind of funny.

9:54 p.m.—Even better! Try put-ting the show on mute and then playing that song “Hallelujah” by Justin Timberlake on some speakers. It makes everything really intense.

10:02 p.m.—Okay, so I just fin-ished watching “LOST.” To me, the show seems to blend elements of sci-fi and biblical text to create a classic debate on the human condition. In other words, it is an—albeit sophomoric at times—attempt to reason out whether humans are governed by free will or destiny. The multiverse dimension explored within the show creates an interesting dual narrative structure: It serves as a lens for viewers to question their own participation vis-à-vis the show and forces them to re-examine what we really want for the characters. Frankly, I don’t really get the hype.

Dear Rielle, In retrospect, I shouldn’t have prom-

ised we would get married on a rooftop

while being serenaded by the Dave Mat-

thews Band. Young looked into it and ap-

parently Charlie Schmidt’s cat can’t inde-

pendently play “Here Comes the Bride” on

the keyboard nor can a lush U-Pick blue-

berry patch serve as my groomsmen. Also,

apparently having the wedding take place

on the Apple building in London during the

1969 Beatles concert is “impossible.” I’m

sending over Young to make you dinner

and whisper sweet nothings about my boy-

ish good looks.Love, John Edwards Democratic Presidential Candidate ’12

Dear American Public,I shouldn’t have promised you I wasn’t a complete dick. Apparently using cam-paign funds to support your affair behind the back of your cancer-stricken wife is “immoral.” Can you forgive me and my entrancing blue eyes? I’m sending over Young to give you sexual favors and claim your illegitimate children.Love, John Edwards Democratic Presidential Candidate ’12

Apparently, your Facebook newsfeed is not a “random, computer generated” display of status updates, recently added photos and joined groups. The newsfeed is run by the one of the most dedicated, honest and old-fashioned publishers, Egbert Roscoe Hearst.

for gay marriage, but against lesbian marriage

attempting humor since 1922...ish

Photos by bowman; IllustratIons by alden

Live-blogging the premiere of “LOST”