30 31 WHITMAN COLLEGE PIONEER HUMOR MARCH 12, 2009MARCH 12, 2009 HUMOR WHITMAN COLLEGE PIONEER Word of the Week Spacism (SPAY-siz-um) - a form of institu- tionalized racism commonly found in science fiction books, movies, or television programs, whereby the minority characters are the first to be killed, mutilated, harvested as egg-bearers, etc. by whatever particular terrestial or extra- terrestial threat is menacing humanity. See also: Spacist (SPAY-sist) - one who prac- tices spacism. “Man, the fact that Parker doesn’t die until near the end of the movie is the only thing keep- ing Alien from being the most spacist movie of 1979.” by Sam Alden Last Tuesday seemed like any other for Whitman student Todd Carlton, ’11, when he went to check his mailbox in the base- ment of Reid Campus Center. However, this was not destined to be any run-of-the-mill day. In his mailbox, Carlton discovered written notification that he had received the dubious honor of having “America’s most boring Spring Break.” The award, conferred by a private research think tank based in Silicon Valley, CA, provided Car - lton with both the knowledge and a written certification that his Spring Break plans were, in the words of the committee, “the most tedious within our great nation, and furthermore, absolutely nobody wants to hear about them.” When asked whether he feels any pride in receiving the nation-wide recognition, Carlton seemed dubious. “I mean, it’s okay, I guess,” Carlton said in a recent telecon- ference with reporters around the country. “I don’t really dispute it or anything, I’m just wondering if they had to make such a big deal of it.” It is known at this time that Carlton’s plans are to return to his Pull- man, Washington home; however, beyond that, his extremely uninteresting plans are as yet unclear. When asked what specifical- ly will make his Spring Break so insuffer - ably boring, Carlton seemed unsure of his answer. “I don’t really know. I was hoping to go see Watchmen, but my parents don’t really have an extra car I can just drive to the theatre. I’ll probably just watch some re-runs on TLC, you know, maybe a Trad- ing Spaces marathon or something.” Carlton beat out several other frontrun- ners for the “most boring Spring Break” recognition, including Lindsey Parker (unemployed) of Indiana State University and Benjamin Touchet of Oberlin Col- lege. When asked what set Carlton apart from his competitors, a spokesman for the California think tank was not able to pro- vide specifics. “I don’t know, maybe Lind- sey was going to get drunk by herself on Wednesday night, but Todd has the edge by signing that sobriety pledge when he graduated high school. You know, we can’t really go into specifics. Todd’s life is so fucking tragic, though, it’s quite extraor - dinary.” For his part, Todd Carlton is still just a bit taken aback by winning the award: “I would think, with Whitman providing two weeks of spring break instead of one, I would have had some sort of an edge on other people.” “Guess not,” he said, as he sadly packed his bags full of inoffensively-patterned button-up shirts. Local student’s Spring Break officially declared ‘Most Boring in Nation’ A photograph sent to Todd Carlton, ‘11, along with his award, portraying all the things that his Spring Break will not be. POLL: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR SPRING BREAK? “Not remembering my spring break.” “Going to Boise.” “Giving thanks that I’m not Todd Carlton.” “Celebrating my body by appearing in ‘Girls Gone Wild: The Search for the Next Bush Twins.’” “Finishing my thesis. Also, screw you for asking.” “Seeing if I can eat the whole thing.” “Considering my options.” “I live in the Southern Hemisphere. It’s actually autumn.” “Breaking up with my girlfriend.” “Finally joining the rest of the world and reading ‘Twilight.’” Hot guy with puppy deemed ‘overkill’ For Taylor Harris, it started out like any other day at the park. The six-foot-four, dark-haired man stepped out of his Prius, tools at the ready for another weeding session in the community garden. Twenty-five-year-old Harris smiled and waved at the women eyeing him from a nearby picnic table while walking towards the back of his car. “Wow,” one of the women said in clear ad- miration. “That guy is totally hot.” “Yeah,” the other agreed. “And he’s a vol- unteer fireman! I can’t understand why he’s single.” The conversation halted abruptly as Harris removed a two-month-old golden retriever puppy from the trunk of his car. “Ugh.” “Yeah…that’s just…too much.” For Harris, these comments continue an all-too-familiar trend. “It’s so weird,” said Harris, rubbing the adorable puppy’s tummy. “Ever since I got this dog, people have been staring at me in a really hostile way, or just plain avoiding me.” Harris’ plight, like many recent cases, ap- pears to debunk the previously accepted Gunther Theorem (see box below). While the addition of a puppy is traditionally held to en- hance one’s attractiveness, scientists are now discovering that too many unbelievably good qualities can actually make someone appear homely, even repulsive. “These findings are really quite incredible,” said sociologist Alexandra DeWitt, PhD. “We followed a supermodel named Natalie for a week, and noted that she received ten to fif- teen phone numbers daily. When we gave her a kitten, however, she became so unattractive to her peers that she actually lost her job.” Such stories offered little comfort to Harris, however. Attempting to approach the women at the picnic table, his puppy frolicking at his heels, he met with only cold disdain. After a few moments of awkward small talk, the women stood and left. “I don’t get it,” said a bewildered Harris in response. “What do they have against my pup- py? Muffin is the sweetest dog in the world!” Sighing, he added, “I was really hoping to meet a nice woman this year, too. My four- year-old son needs a positive female presence in his life.” by Evelyn Windsor GÜNTHER THEOREM (RECENTLY INVALIDATED) : GUY + PUPPY = HOT HOT GUY = HOT THEREFORE: HOT GUY + PUPPY = HOT + =
Whitman College Pioneer - Spring 09 Issue 06 Humor Section
Mar 25, 2016
Whitman College Pioneer - Spring 09 Issue 06 Humor Section
Welcome message from author
This document is posted to help you gain knowledge. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think about it! Share it to your friends and learn new things together.
Transcript
30 31Whitman College Pioneer HUMor marCh 12, 2009marCh 12, 2009 HUMor Whitman College Pioneer
Word of the WeekSpacism (SPAY-siz-um) - a form of institu-
tionalized racism commonly found in science fiction books, movies, or television programs, whereby the minority characters are the first to be killed, mutilated, harvested as egg-bearers, etc. by whatever particular terrestial or extra-terrestial threat is menacing humanity.
See also: Spacist (SPAY-sist) - one who prac-tices spacism.
“Man, the fact that Parker doesn’t die until near the end of the movie is the only thing keep-ing Alien from being the most spacist movie of 1979.” by Sam Alden
Last Tuesday seemed like any other for Whitman student Todd Carlton, ’11, when he went to check his mailbox in the base-ment of Reid Campus Center. However, this was not destined to be any run-of-the-mill day. In his mailbox, Carlton discovered written notification that he had received the dubious honor of having “America’s most boring Spring Break.” The award, conferred by a private research think tank based in Silicon Valley, CA, provided Car-lton with both the knowledge and a written certification that his Spring Break plans were, in the words of the committee, “the most tedious within our great nation, and furthermore, absolutely nobody wants to hear about them.”
When asked whether he feels any pride in receiving the nation-wide recognition, Carlton seemed dubious. “I mean, it’s okay, I guess,” Carlton said in a recent telecon-ference with reporters around the country. “I don’t really dispute it or anything, I’m just wondering if they had to make such a big deal of it.” It is known at this time that Carlton’s plans are to return to his Pull-man, Washington home; however, beyond that, his extremely uninteresting plans are as yet unclear. When asked what specifical-ly will make his Spring Break so insuffer-ably boring, Carlton seemed unsure of his
answer. “I don’t really know. I was hoping to go see Watchmen, but my parents don’t really have an extra car I can just drive to the theatre. I’ll probably just watch some re-runs on TLC, you know, maybe a Trad-ing Spaces marathon or something.”
Carlton beat out several other frontrun-ners for the “most boring Spring Break” recognition, including Lindsey Parker (unemployed) of Indiana State University and Benjamin Touchet of Oberlin Col-lege. When asked what set Carlton apart from his competitors, a spokesman for the California think tank was not able to pro-vide specifics. “I don’t know, maybe Lind-sey was going to get drunk by herself on Wednesday night, but Todd has the edge by signing that sobriety pledge when he graduated high school. You know, we can’t really go into specifics. Todd’s life is so fucking tragic, though, it’s quite extraor-dinary.”
For his part, Todd Carlton is still just a bit taken aback by winning the award: “I would think, with Whitman providing two weeks of spring break instead of one, I would have had some sort of an edge on other people.”
“Guess not,” he said, as he sadly packed his bags full of inoffensively-patterned button-up shirts.
Local student’s Spring Break officially declared ‘Most Boring in Nation’
A photograph sent to Todd Carlton, ‘11, along with his award, portraying all the things that his
Spring Break will not be.
poll: what are you doing with your spring break?“Not remembering my spring break.”
“Going to Boise.”
“Giving thanks that I’m not Todd Carlton.”
“Celebrating my body by appearing in ‘Girls Gone Wild: The Search for the Next Bush Twins.’”
“Finishing my thesis. Also, screw you for asking.”
“Seeing if I can eat the whole thing.”
“Considering my options.”
“I live in the Southern Hemisphere.It’s actually autumn.”
“Breaking up with my girlfriend.”“Finally joining the rest of the world and reading ‘Twilight.’”
Hot guy with puppy deemed ‘overkill’For Taylor Harris, it started out like any other
day at the park. The six-foot-four, dark-haired man stepped out of his Prius, tools at the ready for another weeding session in the community garden. Twenty-five-year-old Harris smiled and waved at the women eyeing him from a nearby picnic table while walking towards the back of his car.
“Wow,” one of the women said in clear ad-miration. “That guy is totally hot.”
“Yeah,” the other agreed. “And he’s a vol-unteer fireman! I can’t understand why he’s single.”
The conversation halted abruptly as Harris removed a two-month-old golden retriever puppy from the trunk of his car.
“Ugh.”“Yeah…that’s just…too much.”For Harris, these comments continue an
all-too-familiar trend. “It’s so weird,” said Harris, rubbing the adorable puppy’s tummy. “Ever since I got this dog, people have been staring at me in a really hostile way, or just plain avoiding me.”
Harris’ plight, like many recent cases, ap-pears to debunk the previously accepted Gunther Theorem (see box below). While the
addition of a puppy is traditionally held to en-hance one’s attractiveness, scientists are now discovering that too many unbelievably good qualities can actually make someone appear homely, even repulsive.
“These findings are really quite incredible,” said sociologist Alexandra DeWitt, PhD. “We followed a supermodel named Natalie for a week, and noted that she received ten to fif-teen phone numbers daily. When we gave her a kitten, however, she became so unattractive to her peers that she actually lost her job.”
Such stories offered little comfort to Harris, however. Attempting to approach the women at the picnic table, his puppy frolicking at his heels, he met with only cold disdain. After a few moments of awkward small talk, the women stood and left.
“I don’t get it,” said a bewildered Harris in response. “What do they have against my pup-py? Muffin is the sweetest dog in the world!” Sighing, he added, “I was really hoping to meet a nice woman this year, too. My four-year-old son needs a positive female presence in his life.”
by Evelyn Windsor
günther theorem (recently invalidated) :guy + puppy = hothot guy = hot
therefore:hot guy + puppy = hot
+
=
Related Documents
