WELCOME! UNDERSTANDING PARENTING STYLES AND ITS IMPACT ON BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided Nadia Breese
Apr 01, 2015
WELCOME!UNDERSTANDING PARENTING STYLES AND ITS IMPACT
ON BEHAVIOUR MANAGEMENT
Please take a moment to complete the brief quiz and reflection provided
Nadia Breese
What are Parenting Styles?How you:•Respond to your child's needs (warmth and nurture)•Demand or control behaviour (how you manage behaviour)
Typically broken into 4 groups:•Authoritarian•Authoritative•Indulgent/Permissive•Neglectful/Rejecting
Demand/Control
High Low
Resp
onse
(war
mth
)Lo
wH
igh Authoritative
Indulgent/Permissive
Authoritarian Neglectful/Rejecting
Where does your style come from?
• Cultural Norms• Societal Norms (often influenced by Parenting
Books)• Internal Working Models (IWM)
What are IWM’s?
How you were parented affects your parenting
• Parent the way you were parented• Parent extreme opposite (Authoritarian-
Permissive)
LETS EXPLORE!
AUTHORITARIAN AKA THE BRICKWALL
What it looks like:
•Controlling, bossy, rigid rules, all decisions are made for the child. •may use physical punishment and humiliation to get cooperation•Child’s feelings are typically ignored.•Little verbal exchange•Affection and praise are rarely given•Children are told what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and when to do it.
WarmthControl and
Unquestioned Obedience
Punctuality, Cleanliness & Order
Competition
Rules
Respect for Authority
Feelings
Do as I say!I’ll give you
something to cry about!
Because I said so!
Don’t be such a baby!
That’s it! No Birthday for you!
Not as long as you’re under my
roof!
Why aren’t you more like your brother?
Outcomes“Children are told what to think, not how to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Children from authoritarian homes are so strictly controlled, either by punishment or guilt, that they are often prevented from making a conscious choice about a particular behaviour because they are overly concerned about what their parents will do.
•Obedient•High Achievers
•Distrustful
•Discontent •Withdrawn•Unhappy•Hostile/Agressive•Often Rebel•Higher levels of depression.•Tend to be “sneaky”•Fear or resent parent•Reliant on External Motivators (e.g. payment for good grades/behaviour. “What do I get?”)•Tend to “Follow the pack”•Low Self Esteem•High risk of drug abuse, sexual promiscuity
Indulgent/Permissive/Laissez Fair AKA “The Jellyfish (A)”
Warmth/Response
Control/Limits
Freedom
Nurture
Feelings
Attention
Structure
Rules
What it looks like:•Discipline is lax or non-existent •No guidelines or structure•Few demands•Emotions rule •Avoid confrontation•Often giving into emotional pressure (e.g. whining, tantrums)•Parents will “bail children out” of learning opportunities•Chaotic Environment• Parents allow their children to do their own thing •Little respect for order and routine.•Parents make few demands on children.•Rarely punish•Non controlling, non-demanding
I’m the “Cool Mom. There are no rules in this
house!”I don’t like to say “No” to my child.
I’m sorry, of course you can
go to the party, I don’t like to see
you upset.
The kids go to bed when ever they’re
tired, I don’t believe in bedtimes.
The teacher is overreacting, he
wasn’t being rude, he was just
expressing himself.
I had so many rules on me as a
child, I don’t want to do that to my children.
Outcomes
•Act “Spoiled”•Rarely learn respect for others•Have difficulty controlling their behaviour. •Inflated sense of self•Difficulty accepting “failure”•High Anxiety•May be aggressive, domineering, and non-compliant•Act impulsively •Poor emotion regulation (under regulated) •Rebellious and defiant when desires are challenged. •Low persistence to challenging
tasks•Typically poor performers in school•Have difficulty with authority •Antisocial behaviours •Aggressive•Low Self Esteem•Self-hatred•Repressed anger and rage•Extrinsic Locus of Control•Risk of sexual promiscuity, drinking and drug abuse
Children from indulgent homes receive few limits on their behaviour and often become uncertain and anxious about whether they are doing the
right thing.
Neglectful/Uninvolved AKA “The Jellyfish (B)”
Response/Warmth Control/Demand
LOW LOW
What it looks like:•Parents who neither nurture nordiscipline their children. •Reject or neglect child-rearing responsibilities•Spend minimal time and effort with their child. •They may suffer from drug use, mental health issues, or immaturity•Are unavailable to the child, may not have the time or energy for children because of their own life problems and stresses•Latch-key children
I’m too tired to make dinner,
fend for yourself
Do whatever you want. I won’t be coming to
your school play, I have a baseball
game that night.
Outcomes of the uninvolved parent
• Have poor relationships with others.
• Impulsive• Aggressive• Low achievement
motivation. • Antisocial• Immature• Psychological
problems
• the children tend to grow up to be hostile
• lack social and academic skills
• most engage in delinquent behavior
• Easily conform to peers (peer pressure)
• At risk for sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol abuse, suicide
Children from neglectful parents tend to have similar outcomes to the indulgent parent. They are often confused about how to behave around others. They can
be aggressive with a lack of self control. These children show little sign of internal control because they lack adults who model these behaviours.
SO WHAT THEN???
What it looks likeThe Middle ground:
•High in Nurture and Discipline•Show pleasure and support of children's constructive behaviour (high in love & affection)•Value freedom along with structure, support and responsibilities•Parents set age appropriate expectations of behaviour, set limits and enforce rules •Appreciation of rights of others•Give & Take Communication: willing to listen receptively to child’s requests and questions; children contribute to discussion and make some of their own decisions•Exert firm control when necessary, but explain reasoning behind it.•Lots of smiles, hugs and humour•Respect children’s interest, opinions, unique personalities.•Consistent
Authoritative AKA “The Backbone”
Response/Warmth Control/Demand
High Expectations
Positive Guidance
Discipline & Limits
Affection
Nurture
Respect
You have a choice, you can brush
your hair first or your teeth
first
You can go to the party,
but you need to be home
by…
You’re grades are down,
lets talk about how to
solve this. If you want to ride your bike, you must wear
a helmet.
I believe in you
“You know you should not have done that. Let's talk about how you can handle
the situation better next time.”
Outcomes of the Authoritative AKA “Backbone” parent“Children learn how to think, not what to think”- Barbara Coloroso
Children whose parents expect them to perform well, to fulfill commitments, and to participate actively in family duties, as well as family fun, learn how to formulate
goals. They also experience the satisfaction that comes from meeting responsibilities and achieving success.
•Achievement-oriented•Tend to be the happiest, most self-reliant, self-controlled.•Well developed social skills(maintain friendly relations with peers, cooperate with adults, cope well with stress) •Content, friendly, generous•Cooperative•Less likely to be seriously disruptive or delinquent•Self Confident•Well developed emotion regulation•Task persistent
•Academic achievement•Intrinsically motivated•Take responsibility for•actions/choices (don’t blame others)•Good problem solvers and at resolving conflicts•Respect for others•Respect for choices•Often cheerful•Self-reliant
Authoritative 3 7 9 10
Authoritarian 2 8 12 14
Indulgent/Permissive 1 11 13 15
Neglectful 4 5 6 11
Most parents find they have characteristics of more than one style. It’s important to assess your parenting style and
make adjustments, if and where you feel necessary, to achieve the best outcomes for your child.
What’s your style?Parenting Style Quiz
HOW TO ADOPT A “BACKBONE” APPROACH
“Children need boundaries. They won't thrive or survive without limits;
neither will their parents.”- Dr. Sears
YOU DON’T NEED TO HURT ME, TO TEACH ME”- UNKNOWN
Punishment V.S. Discipline
Punishment Intended to hurt, humiliate or negatively “pay back” Used to bully or coerce children into
behaving Behaviours include:
Spanking, shaking, yanking an armHair-pulling, biting, pinching( to illustrate how it feels to
others!)Withdraw affection, ignore, not speakingHumiliating the child, ridiculing
Positive Child Guidance 2012 p207
“Taking away a skateboard, going to bed without supper, grounding, give toys away to charity – does not teach children anything!”-Barbara Coloroso
Punishment…implications
• Promotes fear, aggression and resentment• Makes children dependent on adults while increasing adult
control and authority• Develops mindless obedience rather than a desire to act
constructively– Promotes compliance and conformity– External “I don’t want to get in trouble”
• Has a negative effect on self-esteem– makes children “other-directed” rather than inner-directed or self-directed
• Addresses adult’s short-term needs, rather than child’s long-term needs– Child doesn’t understand the relationship between behavior and punishment– focuses on “badness” rather than the problem or action
Discipline• Separates the behavior from the child • Helps the child understand and change behavior
– Adult and child identify appropriate behavior– Child understands consequences of behavior
• Adult encourages problem solving• Adult helps child assume responsibility for behavior• Explain limits and consequences of misbehavior• Considers ability level of child (age appropriate)• Models acceptable behavior• Accepts child’s need to assert self• Sets reasonable limits
Discipline…implications• Builds self esteem and keeps it intact• Respects the child, and models respect• Empowers children to understand their behaviour• Gives confidence• Encourages problem solving • Emotionally supports• Fosters healthy relationships• Builds an internal locus of control – “I Know that’s wrong/ I
want to do the right thing.”• Creates social competence
DISCIPLINE; POSITIVE CHILD GUIDANCE
Strategies
Positive Guidance
Used to nurture and shape behaviour Purpose is to teach children (in an assertive and respectful
manner) to behave appropriately Behaviours include:
focusing child’s attention on logical and natural consequences
Acknowledging feelings but allowing consequences to follow Interrupting behaviour that is dangerous Accept negative feelings but stop negative action (e.g. “I
understand you are upset but its not ok to hit”)
“Word your directions to the children in a positive manner. Tell them what you would like them to do,
rather than what not to do. This helps them learn appropriate ways of behaving.”
Read, Gardner, Mahlu; 1987
Positive Child Guidance
Avoids simply saying “No” or “Don’t do that”
Redirects inappropriate behaviour by telling the child what to do
Focus’ on positive alternativesSuggests socially acceptable behavioursHelps to develop self confidence and self
control
E.g. Instead of “Don’t write on the walls!!” try “You can draw on paper, but not on walls.”
LET’S TRY!
Change these statements into positive guidance statements.
Don’t run…
Don’t yell…
Don’t stand on the table…
Don’t talk while I am talking…
Don’t paint on Mary’s paper…
Don’t climb up the slide…
Don’t take your shoes off…
Don’t go that way…
Please, walk.
Please use a quiet voice.
Your feet need to be on the floor.
Please wait until I’m finished talking(and then you can have your turn).
You can paint on your own paper
You climb up the stairs and go down the slide.
Please keep your shoes on.
Come this way.
Language That Sets Limits
• Describe the action
• State limits
• Give reasons
• Offer choices
Examples
“Cory, it’s not okay to run inside (action and limit) because you may get hurt (reason). Your choices are to go into the backyard to run or to walk inside.” (choices).
“Peter, throwing the ball at the window (action) is not okay (limit), it is dangerous, the glass could break (reason). You need to stop or I will need to take the ball away. You can throw the ball at the wall or net or choose another activity. Which will you do? (choices)”
Natural And LogicalCONSEQUENCES
• Punitive = restricts or controls behaviour without addressing the conflict or issue
• Natural = a spontaneous outcome of a problem or conflict, a natural occurrence as a result of child's own action.
• Logical = consequence imposed by an adult but linked to the child’s actions
Natural Consequence• Automatically results from the child’s
behaviour • No intervention from an adult. • Children learn from natural
consequences because the consequence is immediate and directly related to the action.
Example: If a child puts their shoes on the wrong feet, then their feet hurt (natural)
If a situation is neither life threatening,morally threatening, nor unhealthy, letThe natural consequence give life tothe child’s learning. Parents are oftenuncomfortable with naturalConsequences.
Logical Consequence• The results of the child’s actions
that are imposed by the adult.• Closely connected to the conflict
or issue being processed• Purpose is to resolve the
problem in a way which teaches the child to take responsibility for their behaviour/action rather than to punish the child
Example: A boy accidentally broke something on display while on a school field trip. Instead of being punished, he was asked to write an apology letter and replace the broken item
LET’S TRY!
Identify which statements refer to natural consequences (N) and which are logical consequences (L).
Suzy doesn’t put the tops on her paints, they will harden and not be available to use.
“When your room is this messy, toys get broken because they get stepped on.”
If you continue to bend the antenna, I will have to ask you to find something else to play with.
Cody continues to bend the antenna and it breaks off the truck.
James goes outside without mitts, his hands get cold.
It is so cold today that if you wish to play outside, you must wear mitts.
Peter finds a mud puddle on the playground and walks through it several times and says “My feet are really cold.”
Jonah spills his milk at lunch. His mother asks him to go get a paper towel to wipe it up.
Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to sit in time out and think about what they did. Two children are looking at a book together. They try to turn a page at the same time and it tears. They are asked to get the tape and repair the book.
N
N
N
N
N
L
L
L
P
THANK YOU & QUESTIONS
Recommended Resource:Barbara Coloroso
• Parent, teacher, and author• International speaker recognized around the
world• Areas of specialty are parenting, teaching,
school discipline, and non-violent conflict resolution
• Has written three best sellers, including :– “Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the Gift of
Inner Discipline,” – “Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids in Times of
Loss, Grief, and Change,” – “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From
Preschool to High School – How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence”