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783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 20142
“There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... retire!” – Groucho Marx
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
Retired?Submitted by Thomas Hill
You Are Probably Retired If...
1. You and your teethdon't sleep together.
2. You try to straightenout the wrinkles inyour socks and dis-cover you aren'twearing any.
3. It takes two tries toget up from thecouch.
4. Your idea of a nightout is sitting on thepatio.
5. You step off a curband look down onemore time to makesure the street is stillthere.
6. Getting "lucky"means you remem-ber where you leftyour car in the park-ing lot.
7. Everything hurts,and what doesn'thurt; doesn't work.
8. You sink your teethinto a steak and theystay there.
9. You wonder how youcould be over the hillwhen you don't evenremember being ontop of it.
10. You have more hairin your ears andnose than on yourhead.
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
Ron Ouellette*207-786-3612
Lewiston
Kim Pelkey*207-786-2573
Lewiston/Norway
Paul Colasante*207-782-8823
Lewiston
Michael Courtemanche*207-783-8921
Lewiston
Dick Courtemanche207-786-3622
Lewiston
Forest Cluff*207-725-4606
Brunswick
Deb Wagemann* ChFC207-783-8804
Auburn
*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.
Art Chamberlain207-514-7003
Lewiston
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA
September 2014Tuesday, Sept 9thSam’s Noon – 7pm(Chapter 14437)Market Place Mall, Lewiston$4 Member; $5 Guest
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject tochange. If additional info is needed,please call our office, please do not callrestaurants. All activities can only beattended at the times listed.*************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up theweek prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 20144
Life is too short to remove the USB safely.
A clean tie always attracts the soup of the day.
Uncle Andy’s Digestis published by the first
Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean
Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.
It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed
to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inac-curacies, product pricing errors, or omissions.
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
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Mike & JoeAdkins,licensed
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514-0660
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Book vs.Movie
Submitted by Jimbo
A man in a movie the-ater notices what lookslike a cheetah sittingnext to him.
"Are you a cheetah?"asked the man, sur-prised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing atthe movies?"
The cheetah replied,"Well, I liked the book."
WaitingSubmitted by Thomas Hill
A little fellow is stand-ing at the bottom of adepartment store esca-lator. Intently looking atthe handrail, the smallboy would not take hiseyes away.
A salesperson asked,“Are you lost?”
“Nope,” came the reply.“I'm waiting for mychewing gum to comeback.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 11
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section.
I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.
GEORGIO’S740 Minot Avenue, Auburn
783-2981Open daily 5am-9pm
www.mygeorgios.com
Locally owned & operated
BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNERWe’ve got you covered!
Breakfast
Sandwiches
$175
Hash Browns Buy Anysize GreenMountaincoffee & geta donut for
50¢
BREAKFAST PIZZA • BREAKFAST SUBS & MORE!
Eat In or Take Out
PIZZA • ITALIAN SANDWICHES • OUR FAMOUS UFO or one of our many other menu choices!
Bring Home Dinner Tonight!
We Deliver! In Auburn $20 minimum
50¢
Get a Breakfast Sandwich YOUR WAY!Egg, cheese plus Ham, Sausage or Bacon on our own fresh made roll.Or get creative: Add Steak, sauteéd green peppers & onion or tomatoes & onions*
Or try it in a Wrap, Bagelor English Muffin!
*Additionalcost for add-ons
Out ’n About at theGreat Falls
Balloon Festival
Yeah, I feel like Johnny Depp in Pirates
of the Caribbean, except our mode of
transportation is slightly different...
Jim RodrigueLocal hot air balloon pilotinterviewed by News 13.
Christina NoonanGreat Falls Balloon Festival
event organizer
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201412
I saw a baby with a shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas"
Just think, in a few million years Barney will be motor oil.
Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.
1975 Lisbon St., Rte. 196, Lewiston • 783-0858 or 1-800-244-0858Mon - Fri 9-5 • Sat 9-4 • www.abcpool.com
PROTECT WHAT YOU LOVE!BEFORE
AFTER
You love your pool and the backyard mem-ories it creates. We help protect childrenand pets from unwanted situations andgive peace of mind while you’re away.
Schedule
your pool
closing now!
MyraSubmitted by Thomas Hill
Myra Rhodes, a littleold lady living in Lewis-ton, answered a knockon the door one day, tobe confronted by awell-dressed youngman carrying a vacuumcleaner.
“Good morning,” saidthe young man. “If Icould take a few min-utes of your time, Iwould like to demonstrate the verylatest in high-poweredvacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said Myraharshly. “I'm broke andhaven't got anymoney,” and she pro-ceeded to close thedoor.
Quick as a flash, theyoung man wedged hisfoot in the door andpushed it wide open.“Don't be too hasty,” hecommanded. “Not untilyou have at least seenmy demonstration.”And with that, he emp-tied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hall-way carpet.
“Now, if this vacuumcleaner does not re-move all traces of thishorse manure fromyour carpet, Madam, Iwill personally eat theremainder.”
Myra stepped back andsaid with a smile, “Welllet me get you a spoon,young man becausethey cut off my electric-ity this morning.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 13
She broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
The tarantula found his partner online. He spider on the web.
We speak a language YOU understand!Straight Talk. Practical Solutions.
We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters.
11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org
“Our Family Assisting Your Family”
Now expanding our services to the
Midcoast Region!
See page __ to learn more about
the services we offer.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
183 Lisbon Street • Lisbonqualitycareautorepair.com
353-9862We’re closer than you think!
Only a 5 minute drive from
the Ramada in Lewiston.
$5.00OFF
Along with a courtesy vehicle inspection
and printed report.*By appointment. Limit one per customer. Offer includes plugging into vehicle
computer for testing and diagnosis to determine if more extensive testing isneeded. Expires 9.30.14
OIL CHANGE
Tony GirouardOwner
Our mechanics are ASE Certified
which means top notchservice for your
vehicle.
Restaurant Closing for the Season September 21stMiniature Golf & Driving Range Open 10am till Darkuntil the end of September
www.tabersgolf.comTABERS
470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn
Thank you for another GREAT Season!
Tastes Like...Submitted by Jimbo
The note left on the office refrigerator wasaddressed to “The cul-prit who ate what youthought were twopeanut butter icecream bars.”
We’ll skip over the details and go straightto the signature:
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.”
The CatererSubmitted by Thomas Hill
The other day I was incharge of finding acaterer for this big ban-quet at my church.Through a lucky seriesof events, I was able tobook Bobby Flay’sbrother for the night! Ithought it would begreat, but the food wasterrible and peoplewere complainingabout food poisoning.
Moral of the story:Don’t judge a cook byhis brother.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 15
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
WOW! Don’t spend $18 at thebeauty salon, get your...
Mens & Boys CUTS forAll day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.
$12Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Boss of BossesSubmitted by Jimbo
A retiring farmer inpreparation for sellinghis land, needed to ridhis farm of animals. Sohe went to every housein his town.
To the houses wherethe man is the boss, hegave a horse. To thehouses where thewoman is the boss, achicken was given.
He got toward the endof the street and saw acouple outside garden-ing. "Who's the bossaround here?" heasked.
"I am," said the man.
"I have a black horseand a brown horse,"the farmer said, "whichone would you like?"
The man thought for aminute and said, "Theblack one."
"No, no, no, get thebrown one," the man'swife said.
"Here's your chicken,"said the farmer.
Some horticulturistssuspect that the ba-nana was the earth'sfirst fruit. Bananaplants have been incultivation since thetime of recorded his-tory. One of the firstrecords of bananasdates back to Alexan-der the Great's con-quest of India
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201416
Friction is a drag.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Whe
n P
eter
Pan
pun
ches
, the
y N
ever
land
.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Out ’n About with the United Way of Androscoggin CountyStuffing backpacks for children in need at local schools
Chris Paradis, Terri Kelsea, Donald Rossignol, Laurie Pelletier,
John Crouch & Don Beaulieu
The PromiseSubmitted by Thomas Hill
A man was drivingdown the street in asweat because he hada very important meet-ing and couldn't find aparking place.
Looking up to heaven,he said, "Lord, takepity on me. If you findme a parking place, Ipromise I will go tochurch every Sundayand quit drinking!"
Just then, a parkingplace appeared, theclosest one imagina-ble.
The man looked upagain and said, "Nevermind, I just found one."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 17
I elected to have plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
I think my smart phone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still at work.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Family Friendly Dentist~ Right in Your Backyard ~
Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997
Accepting New Patients!
James F. Weigand, DDSGeneral Dentistry364 Maine StreetPoland Spring • 998-4587(Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122Monday - Thursday 8am - 5pm Most Insurances Accepted
In 1923, in an attemptto save money anyway they could, majorleague baseball teamowners insisted on re-claiming foul balls hitinto the stands, insist-ing that it was a prop-erty right.
That year, at a game inPhiladelphia, an elevenyear old boy caught afoul ball and refused togive it back. It was alsodiscovered that hesnuck into the ballpark.The Phillies manage-ment had the boy ar-rested and chargedwith theft. He spent thenight in jail and washauled before a judgethe next morning.
The judge ruled that itwas entirely reason-able that a kid wouldwant to keep a foulball, particularly sincehe had made a reallygood catch. Soon after,ballparks everywheregave up trying to re-trieve foul balls.
– Bill Bryson
Nap Time GentlemenSubmitted by Jimbo
For much of her bar-tending shift, my wifehad to contend with a rowdy customer. Atthe end of the night, hedemanded, “Where’sthe bathroom!?”
“Go down the hallway,and you’ll see a doormarked gentlemen,”she said. “But don’t letthat deter you.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 19
The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.
For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
Mon. 6am-noonTues-Fri
6am-3pm
Donut Special Every Friday
Buy 1 dozen donuts at regularprice ($7.50) and get the 2nd dozen at half price!
$11.25 for both
784-7042161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston
CREATE YOUR OWN BACKYARD OASIS!
Save up to $3,000!
HUGE Selection!
Endless Family EnjoymentPriced Right!
SWIMMING POOLS
1057 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 786-4256 • ricksswimmingpools.com
Monday - Friday 9-5;Saturday 9-4
HOT TUB SALE!
WinnerSubmitted by Jimbo
Two boys were arguingwhen the teacher entered the room.The teacher says,"Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "Wefound a ten dollar billand decided to give itto whoever tells thebiggest lie."
"You should beashamed of your-selves," said theteacher, "When I wasyour age I didn't evenknow what a lie was."
The boys gave the tendollars to the teacher.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201420
Confucius Says: “Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.”
The birthstone for September is the sapphire.
On September 30th 1947, The World Series is televised for the first time.
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET
For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!
2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502
“Try us once,
you’ll be a regular!”
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
1-TOPPING PIZZAS2 LARGE
$16.99ONLYExpires 9.30.14
Do Something RADicalCome try our food. You won’t be disappointed!
Angie & BradColor Me Rad 5K after pic
Do what you do. Do it well and
they’ll keep comingback for more!
Out ’n About at theGreat Falls
Balloon Festival
You need help with your payroll? Let’s head over to
Payroll Managementright now. I’m sure Gary won’t mind us
landing in his parking lot.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 21
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” – Albert Einstein
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500
GreatFallsfcu.com
Great FallsFederal Credit Union
Restrictions & qualification apply
FALL INTO A GREAT LOANAuto • Recreational • Personal
Call Michele, Dane or Ken today!
Vehicle supplied by Emerson Chevrolet for photo shoot.
Fall into Savings atGreat Falls
FCU!
We have the money to
lend!
You won’t B-Leave how lowour rates are!
• CompetitiveLow Rates
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Out ’n About atthe Train Festat the Great Falls Model
Railroad Club in New Auburn
Deanna & AshleyElder
Eli & Renee Bucknell
Jacob Coulombe
Hats off to everyone who
joined us during theTrain Fest!
"Through humor, you cansoften some of the worstblows that life delivers. Andonce you find laughter, nomatter how painful your situation might be, you cansurvive it."
– Bill Cosby
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201422
My wife does bird imitations. She always watches me like a hawk.
“A line is a dot that went for a walk.” – Paul Klee
A sharp nose points to curiosity. A flattened nose indicates too much curiosity.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
I can't get enough minimalism.
When the Black Deathswept across Englandone theory was thatcats caused theplague. Thousandswere slaughtered. Iron-ically, those that kepttheir cats were less af-fected, because theykept their houses clearof the real culprits, rats.
Did You Know?
The Beatles wereGeorge Harrison, JohnLennon, Paul McCart-ney, and Ringo Starr.But there were alsotwo lesser known, previous members ofthe band: Pete Bestand Stu Sutcliffe.
Out ’n About at theGreat Falls
Balloon Festival
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 31
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
Did You Know? During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
PackageSubmitted by Thomas Hill
Reaching the end of ajob interview, the per-sonnel recruitment offi-cer asked a youngengineer fresh out ofCambridge, "And whatstarting salary wereyou looking for?"
The engineer said, "Inthe neighborhood of$140,000 a year, de-pending on the benefitspackage."
The interviewer said,"Well, what would yousay to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14paid holidays, full med-ical and dental, com-pany matchingretirement fund to 50%of salary, and a com-pany car leased every2 years .. say, a redsports Mercedes?"
The Engineer sat upstraight and said,"Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewerreplied, "Yeah, but youstarted it."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201432
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is $3.00 acan. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein
It's, "Jamaican hairstyle day" at work tomorrow, I'm dreading it.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Ann Dumais with her husband, Dan. The Dumais’ attended a butterfly release event re-cently at the Hospice House in Auburn. At this fundraiseranyone who wanted to take part could release a butterflyin honor of their lost family member. Ann chose to do arelease in honor of her dad, Walter Cloutier. In a touching moment her butterfly landed on her earand hung on long enough where she could hear her dadsay, “Let me go.” Can you say goosebumps? Here is a poem shared at the butterfly releasefundraiser:As you release this butterflyIn honor of me,Know that I’m with youand will always be.Hold a hand, say a prayer,close your eyes and see me there.Although you may feel a bit torn apart,Please know that I’ll beforever in your heart.Now fly away butterflyas high as you can go,I’m right there with youmore than you know.
Sweet Pea Designs“My parents alwayssaid that knowledgewas the best gift theycould give me, proba-bly because they weretoo cheap to buy meChristmas or Birthdaypresents.”
― Jarod Kintz
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 33
Our #1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything... but don't quote me.
Some do Jenny Craig, while others do Richard Simmons... I do Sara Lee.
I'm thinking of starting up a, 'Stiff Little Fingers' tribute band, we'll call ourselves, 'Arthritis'.
A fresh perspective for Lewiston!
What matters for Lewiston,What matters for Maine• Welfare Reform • Education• Tax Burden • Citizen Voices
I ask for your vote
on November 4th!
Learn more at: PattiGagneforSenate.comPaid for and authorized by Patti Gagne for Senate, Pam Remieres-Morin, Treasurer
Out ’n About at theGreat Falls
Balloon Festival
Are YOU looking at ME?
You don’t want none of this,
buddy!
Terry Ricker
Steve GrenierMain Street Music &
L-A Harley Band
This unique one mile road race is short, fast and lots of fun for the whole family! There will be many different race
divisions - from the kids fun run mile to the public safety mile...with everything in between, this event is for every runner
at every level. Challenge yourself to run your best mile ever. And when you do, you will change a child's life.
Proceeds benefit the Auburn Police Activities League (PAL).
Register today at: www.AuburnBlueMile.com
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201434
A golf course is a site to be holed.(We’re sure Spring Meadows would agree).
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get out! We don't want your type in here".
I just got a new job as an auctioneer, they told me I had a lot to offer.
ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.
www.springmeadowsgolf.com
Monday Night Scrambles4:30PM Shotgun Start - Every Monday
Singles or full teams are accepted
GOLF CLUB ATCOLE FARMS
✃Expires 8.31.12
BUY A 2015 MEMBERSHIP NOW!
Golf the remainder of2014 FREE!!
Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586
2 for 1Must present this coupon to receive
ONE FREE GREEN FEEfor each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatoryfor each player. May not be combined withother offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thruThursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play. ✃Expires 9.30.14
A variety of memberships are available. Call or visit our website for more info.
We are a full service salon14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite A
I've sure gotten old!I've had two bypasssurgeries, a hip re-placement, new knees,fought prostate cancerand diabetes.
I'm half blind, can'thear anything quieterthan a jet engine, take40 different medica-tions that make medizzy, winded, and sub-ject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, and poor circulation. I can hardlyfeel my hands and feetanymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or92, and I have lost allmy friends.
But, thank God, I stillhave my driver's license.
Retail • Wholesale • Redemption • Liquor Store5 Locations for Your Convenience!
694 Main St.
Lewiston • 782-1482
794 Sabattus St.
Lewiston • 783-6353
1420 Lisbon St.
Lewiston • 333-3095
545 Minot Ave.
Auburn • 783-2047
303-311 Main St.
Auburn • 783-9098
Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn
I got a brand new hedge-trimmer today, It's state of the art cutting hedge technology.
Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormalcurvature of the upper spine.
A Full Service Salon
1117 Center St., Auburn (behind Met Life) • 784-3522
Element All Star Cheer team pose for a team photo at the Great Falls Balloon Festival
Out ’n About atMac’s Grill
Celebrating their 20th Anniversary
Mission Possible!Taking care of the
customer is priority #1.
Dave Gagne
Katie Camire
Sean Little &Jeb Blackwell
I was a premature baby. My father wasn't expecting me.
Right on!Happy Birthday,
man!!
Dick Record & Dan Coxcelebrating Dan’s birthday with some apple juice
Out ’n About at Mac’s GrillGood thing this is only apple juice...
so Uncle Andy’s can publish it and all.
Mac’s Grill1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn
783-6885 macsgrill.com
Come watch your favoritesporting event
on our 11 TV’s in our NEW 1,300 sq. ft. bar area!
16 Beers on TapFull Menu ALL the Time!
Let MAC’S Cater
Your Next Event!
Book NOW for the Holidays!
LIVE MUSICSaturday
September 13th & September 27th
EVERY SUNDAY ALL DAY in September1/2 priced Appetizers (eat-in only) • Bud Draft sm.$2 lg.$4
EVERY TUESDAY ALL DAY in September50¢ Wings
GRILLING TIME!Get your steaks
here for your owngrill at home!
Check out our Live
Entertainmentthis month!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201438
I often say to myself, - "I can't believe that cloning works."
My daughter's horse will only come out when it gets dark, it's becoming a night mare.
25 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 795-7600
WE CARRY:• All Dab Accessories & rigs
• Glasspipes, Metalpipes,
Hookahs, Woodpipes
• Detox - Vaporizers
• E-Hookahs & E-Liquid
• Butane, Papers, Shisha
& Incense
• Seedless Clothing
• Posters
• Bags
• Pipe Cases
AfterHoursheadshop
a_h_smokeshop
AfterHoursSmokeShop
We’re a FULL Service
Vaporizer Shop.
We have vaporizers for all uses as well as e-cigs, e-hookahs (refillable & disposeable). And many flavors of premium American madee-juice from 0-24mg nicotine levels.
Open Mon - Sat10am - 8pm
Out ’n About atMac’s Grill
Celebrating their 20th Anniversary
Awww... shucks!
Rob Ducharme
Cam Hutchins
Dalia Lapirus?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 39
My new favorite band is Dog Whistle, you probably have never heard them.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.
64 Lewiston Road, Gray657-4714 • ColeFarms.com
A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!• Happy Hour 3-6pm daily• 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar• Daily Specials• Live Music on Friday Nights
845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn • 782-5500
Considering a NEW Used Vehicle?
Make Your
old car look &
run like
NEW!
Shop around, then go see the guys at Cyr’s. Keeping your current vehicle in tip top shape might make more financial sense.
Complete mechanical repair and body work done on premise!Call for a FREE Quote!
Test of TimeSubmitted by Jimbo
A father and son arehiking in the GrandCanyon. They goaround bends, overhills, and throughnooks. They round an-other bend to see an American Indian sittingon a rock.
The father points andsays, "son, NativeAmericans have thebest memory of anypeople in the world."
The young son thinkshe's quite the smartone and goes up to theIndian and says, "Whatdid you have for break-fast last Tuesday."
Without hesitation theIndian responds,"eggs." The son is im-pressed and goes onwith the hike with hisfather.
30 years later the sonis now a grown man,and is hiking the sametrail with his own son.He goes around thesame bends, over thesame hills, and low andbehold, rounds the cor-ner and there is thatsame Indian on thesame rock.
He's an older wiserman now, and will really test him. Hewalks up, raises hishand in greeting andsays "HOW?"
The Indian responds,"Scrambled."
Trevor Spaulding (Poland basketball shirt) re-cently ran in the L/A Bridge Run, a 5K and thethird leg of the Triple Crown. Trevor ran with hismom, Pam Ashby (UAD graphic designer).
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201440
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Visa is everywhere you want to be... Except out of debt.
The Edward Little High School Marching Band accepted the ALS ice bucket challenge.
Out ’n About atMac’s Grill
Celebrating their 20th Anniversary
Bet you didn’t know we were sisters!
Evelyn Till
Alicia & MakaylaDube
Jordan Kaulback
PROTECTING YOU:Is What We Do.
commercial home auto recreational umbrella life health
232 Center St., Auburn
786-0417Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm VarneyAgency.com
Kerrie RobbinsCommercial Insurance Specialist
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 41
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
BUY • SELL • TRADE
JT REID’SGun Show
Saturday, October 11th
9:00am - 5:00pm
Where: Ramada Inn
490 Pleasant St, Lewiston
Cost: $5/pp (Under 16 Free)
This is a guns and ammo show only featuring dealers from New England.
Concealed firearms prohibited in show even with permit.
FMI: JT Reid’s Guns
86 Court St., Auburn
777-3579www.jtreidsgunshop.com
Active Duty Military No Charge
Concessions & Raffles
Out ’n About atMac’s Grill
Celebrating their 20th Anniversary
Stop in and see us. Our food is always a
COLOSSAL hit!
Kale Churchill
Sherry Arsenault
Katie Camire
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201442If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
• Wheel alignment & balancing
• Complete brake work• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State Inspections
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983
60 Minot Ave • Auburn782-6666 or 783-2026
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE
A PROUD MEMBER OF THENAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
OUR TIRES
Scooter
$10 off forANY Servicewith Coupon!
We can do it:
I can't give him a book as a gift. He may already have one.
Church FeudSubmitted by Jimbo
Church feuds are notuncommon, especiallyamong cliques in thecongregation. Butwhen the pastor andchoir director get into it,stand aside.
One week ourpreacher preached oncommitment, and howwe should dedicateourselves to service.The director then ledthe choir in singing, 'IShall Not Be Moved.'
The next Sunday, thepreacher preached ongiving and how weshould gladly give tothe work of the Lord.The choir director thenled the song, 'JesusPaid It All.'
The next Sunday, thepreacher preached ongossiping and how weshould watch ourtongues. The hymnwas 'I Love To Tell TheStory.'
The preacher becamedisgusted over the situ-ation and the next Sun-day he told thecongregation he wasconsidering resigning.The choir then sang'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'
When the preacher re-signed the next weekhe told the church thatJesus had led himthere and Jesus wastaking him away. Thechoir then sang, 'WhatA Friend We Have inJesus.'
Drum roll please . . . . The L-A Harley Bandat the Great Falls Balloon Festival
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 43
Fifth graders are using worms to recycle garbage from school lunches. But even the worms won't eat the Salisbury steak.
School is where you always try to do your best... except when your friends are watching.
300 Cressey Road, MonmouthJust past Reggie’s Kawasaki, before Highmoor Farm
Call Before
Coming!
Out ’n About atMac’s Grill
Celebrating their 20th Anniversary
For the Record, we do date night
every week.
Gerry Gagne & Kate LandryCurrent ownership & Previous ownership
Dan & Amy Cox
Denise & DickRecord
Thank YOU everyone for making our
20th Anniversary celebration a huge
success!
I love what you’ve
done with the place!
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201444
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Assisted Home Care II“Our Family
Assisting Your Family”
11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org
Assisting Families since 1997.
• Registered Home Health Care Service Agency• Private Duty Care & Staff Relief• 24 hour Personal Care and Response• Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers• Assist with Independent Living at Home
Now expanding our services to the Midcoast Region!
I wish this UncleAndy’s photographerwould stop bugging
me...
Out ’n About at theGreat Falls
Balloon Festival
Hey thanks, you can take our picture
anytime!
Pick me!Pick ME!!
Christina Noonan, Troy Mills, Morgan Hamlyn, Geoff Ness & Nick Knowlton
(front) Roseanna Gillespie, Barb Bart &
Joan Weston. (back) Bert Levesque,
Brian Michaud, Justin Binette & Frank Bart (pilot)
Andy Carrier, Mariah Carrier, Tina Carrier, Christy Gardner & Moxie
Parents, the African Proverb is right . . . when elephants fight ants get hurt.
Out ’n About at the Great Falls Balloon Festival
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 45
Don't judge a book by its movie.
“Love conquers all things… except poverty and toothaches.” – Mae West
Out ’n About at theGreat Falls
Balloon Festival
Jeff Neal
Fay Duval
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201446I only thought of you once today, I just never stopped.
“In America they really do mythologize people when they die.” – Robin Williams
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
Located in the building behind Dad’s PlaceHours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION
✃
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551
6¢on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.
(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)
UAD expires 9.30.14
Bottle Drives
Welcome!
Get more for yourreturns at Dad’s!
MORE FORYOUR $$
Dad’s Redemption
Paul & friendsstrolling around at the
Balloon Festival
“By working faithfullyeight hours a day youmay eventually get tobe boss and worktwelve hours a day.”
– Robert Frost
My snakes love it in the grass.
I always get a glowing
recommendation...
Out ’n About at Tabers on Lake Auburnfor their Annual Sock Hop event
Did You Know? The State of Florida is bigger than England.
Did You Know? Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.
Lunch for $3.99!Monday - Friday 11am - 3pm
551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 777-1155 • Schemengees.com
Baked Haddock, Fried Haddock or Home-Made Chicken Tenders
Served with one side:Fresh Cut Fries, Homemade Grilled Potatoes lightly
seasoned with garlic & butter, Homemade Baked Beans,Slaw, Pickled Beets or Veggie of the Day.
Bar & Grille
Lunch, Dinner, Drink & Pool
Out ’n About at New Auburn
Social Club’s MemberAppreciation
Roger & MichelleRossignol
Pee-Wee
Craig Charpentier,Patrick Legee & Mike Gooldrup
The New Auburn Social Club Officers: Dennis, Joe W., Paul, Mike, Joe C., Leroy, Patrick, Heather & Judy
They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. At this point I should be able to bench-press a Buick.
Out ’n About at New Auburn Social Club’s Member Appreciation
You wait, Bampa! You’re going
DOWN!!
That was fun!I could do this
all day.
Glub, glub, glub.Aries sinks his Bampa, Joe Walker, in the dunk tank.
Saturday,September 20thNoon – 3:00PMLewiston High School
Come Meet Pathway Vineyard, LPD,Maine State Troopers, LFD with
Sparky the Dog, United Ambu-lance, Lewiston Mayor Macdon-
ald, Kora Funsters, Slugger, Monty the Moose,
Lewiston Rec Gymnastics,Phoenix Karate,
Tarmey Tumbling, Lewiston Library
Friends and ManyMore!
• FREE Facepainting & Balloons• FREE Spinal, Foot, Eye & Dental Screening• FREE Photo ID Cards & Fingerprinting• FREE Food, Prizes & Inflatable Games• FREE Animal Show & Music• FREE Cookie Decorating• FREE Massages• And Much, Much More!
A day dedicated to children’s health, safety and environmental awareness.Join us at Lewiston High School Saturday, September 20th
Noon – 3:00PM
On the big screen at
Fenway Park on Maine Day.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 49
Did You Know? The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records towerspells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.
Men don’t get lost; they discover alternative destinations.
You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
Out ’n About atTabers on
Lake Auburn
I knew she wouldmake me dance!
Where’s Toto?
for their Annual Sock Hop event
Don’t go getting all up in my grill.Larry (r) with his son, Chad who is holding grand-
daughter Graylyn & his grandson, Tucker
Out ’n About atFenway Park on
Maine Daywith Larry Gowell
Larry was invited to sing theNational Anthem on MaineDay (July 6th) at FenwayPark, home of the BostonRed Sox. Larry is an Auburn,Maine native and pitched forthe NY Yankees in 1972.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201450
Sign outside the dry cleaners: "Drop your clothes here for best results!"
“How should I have played that last shot?” the golfer asked his partner. “Under an assumed name.”
Making Buying Easy ~ Whatever it Takes!!
Out ’n About atTabers on
Lake Auburn
I hope hedoesn’t drop
me...
for their Annual Sock Hop event
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 2014 UncleAndys.com 51
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him,‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper
“I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.” – Bob Hope
Out ’n About atTabers on
Lake Auburn
Lily Grant & Kaylie Vallee
Dan & PenelopeHargreaves
Haley Hebert
for their Annual Sock Hop event
It was a great night for a sock hop!
Thank you everyone!!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201452
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
FIRESIDE STOVE SHOP1220 Center St., Auburn • 784-9249
www.firesidestoveshop.com
CASH FORCLUNKERS
Bring in any stove and get a voucher for up to $300 toward a new JØTUL gas or wood stove!
Limited time offer
Proudly partnering with
Jøtul for the
2014 Change Out Program
Out ’n About atTabers on
Lake Auburn
Aubrey Bennett
Emily Briggs
for their Annual Sock Hop event
See page 14 to find out when we
close for the season.
“When one doorcloses, another oneopens, but we oftenlook so long and regretfully at the closeddoor that we fail to seethe one that hasopened for us.”
– Alexander Graham Bell
Bryce Smithbounces one off the Pepsi sign
Don’t go anywhere...
I always hit the ballbetter with people
watching.
Darcy Jackson, Kaylie Vallee & Lily Grant
Out ’n About at Tabers on Lake Auburnfor their Annual Sock Hop event
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
September 201454
September is National Chicken Month.
September is National All-American Breakfast Month.
111 Woodman Hill Road, Minotwww.gadowning.com
PLANNING A BACKYARD WEDDING?Ask about our
signature models!
CALL FOR PRICING
G.A. DOWNINGG.A. DOWNING782.4508
or800.924.4500
ServiceRentalSales
QuickBooks Classes Offered
BookkeepingPlus
9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124
Bookkeeping Services
Nationally speaking, September has a lot going for it.
September is National Rice Month.
Steve Suttonwas the big winner of our social media contestwe ran on our Facebook page. He won two hotair balloon ride tickets! He and his wife went upon Friday morning, the kickoff launch for theGreat Falls Balloon Festival.
WINNER!
Thank you for the Hot Air Balloon Tickets! We had a great
time!!
September is National Potato Month.
PLEASE!Don’t rush it!!
(Photo taken on August 6th, submitted by Eleanor Bergen)
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
I'm not late boss, I just took my coffee break before coming in.
Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail
See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models. 72” Shower Wall KitsA complete kit with everything you need:side & back wall panels, corner moldingstrips, soap dishes and installation materials.
Call for more info.
Out ’n About at New Auburn
Social Club’s MemberAppreciation
Here’s my tip for you: Don’t take
any wooden nickels.
Tom Ogden
George Palmer
Michelle Noiles
No one seams to like my jokes about patch work! I've tried sew hard...
WWW.UNCLEANDYSDIGEST.COM
Visit us at our state of the art office at:730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
783-1351
Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pmFri. 8am-4pm
Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit
with results that you will be proud to show off.
auburnplazafamilydentistry.com
Same Day Emergency CareWe are a preferred Northeast Delta provider