[email protected]FREE February 2015 The Most Unusual Digest in America Two convenient locations: Great Falls Federal Credit Union Restrictions & qualification apply The Extra Money You’ve Been Looking For... • Low Rates • Low Payments • Extended Terms • One Hour Loans IS HERE! We have the financing for you! 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500 www.GreatFallsfcu.com Debbie Bodwell, NMLS#280336 VP, Mortgage Banker 181 Center Street | Auburn, ME 04210 P 207-777-1551 | F 207-777-1933 [email protected]www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwell NMLS ID# 1760, ME Supervised Lender License No. SLM2537; Equal Housing Opportunity Contact Debbie TODAY for all your mortgage needs! See page 5 for our upcoming schedule! Looking to BUY or SELL a HOME? Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class! Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s Best Mortgage Company for 2014! UNCLE ANDY’ S DIGEST 2015 Androscoggin Chamber President’s Award Recipient
Uncle Andy's Digest - February 2015 Digital Edition
Welcome message from author
This document is posted to help you gain knowledge. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think about it! Share it to your friends and learn new things together.
Looking to BUY or SELL a HOME?Attend a FREE Home Buyer/Seller Education Class!
Voted Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s
Best Mortgage Company for 2014!
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST2015
Androscoggin ChamberPresident’s Award
Recipient
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 20152
“There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.” — Zig Ziglar
I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTRecipient of the 2015 PRESIDENT’S AWARD
UAD staff who attended the AwardsBanquet (l to r):
Tim Rucker (Sales), Pam Ashby (Graphic Designer),
Thomas Hill (Internet Specialist) & Jimbo Marston (Owner)
Proud tobe part
of whatmakes
Lewiston/Auburn
GREAT!“A local treasure! Uncle Andy’s Digest engages its readers and lubricates
the wheels of commerce.” – Chip Morrison, Chamber President
S-sir, I'm afraid you'vegone mad with power."
"Of course I have. Youever tried going madwithout power? It's bor-ing, and no one listensto you!
HomeworkPolicy
Submitted by Jimbo
Here is an explanationof the school home-work policy:
Students should notspend more than 90minutes per night. Thistime should be bud-geted in the followingmanner:
15 minutes looking forassignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
15 minutes explainingwhy the teacher ismean and just does notlike children.
5 minutes in the bath-room.
10 minutes getting asnack.
18 minutes checkingtheir Facebook status.
6 minutes telling par-ents that the teachernever explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting atthe kitchen table wait-ing for Mom or Dad todo the assignment.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 3
If you're a Repo Man, what you seize is what you get.
WENT TO THE DENTIST AND NOW I'M USING ALL CAPS.
*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.
Ron Ouellette*207-786-3612
Lewiston
Kim Pelkey*207-786-2573
Lewiston/Norway
Paul Colasante*207-782-8823
Lewiston
Michael Courtemanche*207-783-8921
Lewiston
Dick Courtemanche207-786-3622
Lewiston
Forest Cluff*207-725-4606
Brunswick
Deb Wagemann*207-783-8804
Auburn
Art Chamberlain207-514-7003
Lewiston
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA
February 2015Thursday, Feb 5thDubois Café 7am – 10am(Chapter 14437)906 Sabattus St, Lewiston$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest
Saturday, Feb 7thRed Claws vs WestchesterKnicks 7pm(Chapter 14346)Portland Expo$4
Sunday, Feb 22ndFlagship Cinema(Chapter12749)Lewiston/Auburn$4 Member;$5.50 Guest
Tuesday. Feb 24thAri’s Pizza 11:30 – 1pm(Chapter 10929)457 Main St, Norway$5 Member
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. Ifadditional info is needed, please call our office,please do not call restaurants. All activities canonly be attended at the times listed.
*************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up theweek prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.
Happy
Valentine’s!
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 20154
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross theroad.
Maybe I should just start feeding the puppy wood furniture.
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTis published by the first
Friday of every month by MaineMountain Ocean Group, Inc.with offices at 9 Grove Street,
Auburn, ME.
It is distributed free throughoutCentral Maine and mailed tosubscribers all over the world.
Subscriptions are $30/year. Send a $30 check made out to
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inac-curacies, product pricing errors, or omissions.
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
Mike & JoeAdkins,licensed
denturists
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
514-0660
We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances AcceptedWe also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider
or call 207-777-1551Light refreshments will be served.
For information purposes only and is not a commitment to lend. Programs, rates, terms and conditions are subject to change at any time. Availability dependent upon approvedcredit and documentation, acceptable appraisal, and market conditions. Not all programs available in all areas. Residential Mortgage Services, Inc. is a Maine Corporation head-quartered at 24 Christopher Toppi Drive, South Portland, ME 04106. MMLS ID #1760; ME Supervised Lender License #SLM2537; CT Mortgage Correspondent Lender License#14352; Licensed by the Delaware State Bank Commissioner to engage in business in Delaware, License #017813; FL Mortgage Lender License #MLD232; MA Mortgage LenderLicense #MC1760; MD Mortgage Broker License #21114; Licensed by the New Hampshire Banking Department, NH Mortgage Banker License #8816-MB; Licensed NJ first mortgage lender; Ohio MB Exemption MBMB.850210.000; Licensed Mortgage Lender #44857; RI Licensed Lender #20092626LL; RI Licensed Loan Broker #20122931LB.
SWEETHEARTS!
Scott Wagner & Karen Bergeron
Cassandra Doak& Matthew Baker
Christine & Mike Cote
We had a FANTASTIC response to our request
for sweetheart pics. We hope you enjoy
all the love!Keep reading to find out who
our winners are!!
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 20156
I’m not stalking. I'm researching.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you start this thing?"
777-1520Flower Shoppe
Sweet Pea Designs
FREE Delivery in L/A
SweetPeaFloralDesignsme.com
Caring family dentist & specialists • Now Offering Implants $2,999
New Patient Special$88 Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays
Gift Certificates AvailableTues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm
232 Center Street, Auburn753-9368
(next to Play It Again Sports)
Owner/StylistStylist Stylist
That’s NutsSubmitted by Thomas Hill
John is out with hisfriends and stops byhis grandmother’shouse for a visit.
There’s a bowl ofpeanuts on the coffeetable, and John and hisfriends start snackingon them.
When they’re ready toleave, his friends say,"Nice to meet you,ma’am, and thank youfor the peanuts."
Grandma says, "You’rewelcome. Ever since Ilost my dentures, all Ican do is suck thechocolate off of them."
Round SheGoes
Submitted by Jimbo
After I bought mymother a compact-discplayer and some CDs,she was excited to dis-cover she no longerneeded to rewind orfast-forward tapes ormove the needle onher record player.
Knowing she was notthat technically astute,I called her a few dayslater to see how shewas managing. "Fine. Ilistened to ShaniaTwain this morning,"she said.
"The whole CD?" Iasked.
"No," she replied, "justone side."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 7
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I texted her and said, "Did you get my drift?"
Thomas to Jimbo: I wasn't sleeping. My desk was bleeding, so I was applying pressure,with my head.
5 Pigeon Hill Rd (Rte 26 and 11), Mechanic Falls • 998-5577Mon - Fri: 7am - 2pm; Sat - Sun: 6am - 2pm
Serving breakfast & lunch daily.Breakfast available all day!
GREAT COMFORT FOODWe think you’ll find it’s Egg-ceptional!
“Home of theDouble Yolker”
Egg-ceptional Restaurant
$1.00 OFF
one coupon per visitNot to be combined w/ any
other Specials
✃Expires 02.28.15
when you spend $10 or more
10% off larger orders!
UAD
733 Sabattus St. Lewiston777-7200 • 866-264-7685 • ThriftyCarMart.com
Bring Your Tax Return & Select the Vehicle of Your Choice!
Tax TimeSavings!
We Finance!
SWEETHEARTS!
Jeff Tveraas &Debbie Schmidt
Now in Austin, Texas. Jeff used to do graphicdesign for Uncle Andy’sDigest back in the day!
Denise & JeromeLizotte
Karen & Jim Albert
NEXT Level Business Coaching . biz207-754-2003
Because Business Should Lead To Abundance
Business is no laughing matter(unless you’re Jimbo)
MATCH THE NAME WITH THE BUSINESS
Let’s make a Dill New Mexican restaurant Flantastic An old-fashioned deli A Slice Is Right Mexican desert bar Hunan Resources A pizza joint Silent but Dehli A sports bar Jockular An up-scale Mexican restaurant Spruce SpringClean A new Lewiston fast food joint Lord of the Fries A large Chinese restaurant Tequila MockinBird An up-scale cleaning firm
Business Quiz
That fun quiz was just to get you in the mood – to look at your business. If you reallylook at YOU and YOUR BUSINESS, what do you see? Are there changes/improvementsyou need to make? If you have had these challenges for a while; working too hard,managing time, cash, people or the work itself, Please give us a call. You know yourbusiness better than anybody! WE ARE BUSINESS COACHES – LET US HELP YOUMAKE IT GREAT!!
Kurk Lalemand, Business Coach; Erna Koch, CPBC; Rose Creps, Financial Analyst
Because Business Should Lead To Abundance
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201512
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Weight StudySubmitted by Jimbo
One time when I washome visiting my folks,my mom asked me toset the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigera-tor and taped to the in-side of the door was arisque picture of alovely, slender, per-fectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" Iasked.
"Oh, I put that up thereto remind me not toover-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she ex-plained. "I've lost 15pounds, but your dadhas gained 20!"
The BachelorCookbook
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Two confirmed bache-lors sat talking, theirconversation driftedfrom politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbookonce," said one, "but Icould never do any-thing with it."
"Too much fancy workin it, eh?" asked theother.
"You said it - Every oneof the recipes beganthe same way - 'Take aclean dish.'"
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 13
Rembrandt painted 700 pictures in his life time and art collectors have all 7,000 of them.
Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here."
Checking the time twice because you forgot it the first time.
Realistic Solutions for Your Legal Needs!Honesty. Tenacity. Courage.
We specialize in: Litigation, Divorce, Family Matters, Evictions for Landlords, Estate Planning & Court-Appointed matters.
One Hour Massage For CouplesRose Scented Pedicures
Complimentary Chocolate covered StrawberriesChampagne with every side by side service!
SWEETHEARTS!
Maria Carbone &Jessie Burlock
Monica & MichaelMarin
DIYSubmitted by Thomas Hill
Every year on my birth-day, I looked forward tomy aunt’s gift—a scarf,hat, or sweater knittedby hand.
One year, she musthave had better thingsto do because I re-ceived a ball of yarn,knitting needles, and ahow-to-knit book.
Her card read "Scarf,some assembly required."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201516You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Get A Healthy
Dose of VEGGIES
brought to you in part by:
Saturday March 7th8pm - Midnight
American Legion Post 150, Mechanic FallsTickets: $15/per person
Proceeds Benefit All the Programs of the Mechanic Falls Recreation Department
Door Prizes • 50/50 Dancing & Lots of Fun!
Tickets can be purchased in advance at Bryant Energy in Mechanic Falls orCall Jeff Martin at 577-9243 or email [email protected]
SWEETHEARTS!
“Razor Ray” Beaudoin & Sue Tracy
Razor Ray was a long-time contributor to UAD.
Ron & NicholeMajor
Ron & Peggy Polley
Q: What happenedwhen wheel was
invented?
A: A revolution occurred
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 17
A pun spun with a good yarn gets fabricated!
CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
I heard Einstein got along well with his parents ... relatively speaking.
Pick a Proven WinnerChoosing a Real Estate Agent can be difficult.
Choose one with a proven track record!
Rollie Heckethorn:• Licensed in Real Estate since 1988• 2014 AVBOR Realtor of the Year• Assisting buyers & sellers of residential,
commercial & investment properties allover the state of Maine
Rollie Heckethorn207-344-0007
www.DunhamRealty.com • Office: 207-729-7297
Well versed in home buyer programs.Call Today!
Three HymnsSubmitted by Thomas Hill
One Sunday a pastortold the congregationthat the church neededsome extra money andasked the people toprayerfully considergiving a little extra inthe offering plate. Hesaid that whoever gavethe most would be ableto pick out three hymns.
After the offering plateswere passed, the pas-tor glanced down andnoticed that someonehad placed a $1,000bill in offering.
He was so excited thathe immediately sharedhis joy with his congre-gation and said he'dlike to personally thankthe person who placedthe money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly,saintly lady all the wayin the back shyly raisedher hand.
The pastor asked herto come to the front.
Slowly she made herway to the pastor.
He told her how won-derful it was that shegave so much and inthanksgiving asked herto pick out threehymns.
Her eyes brightened asshe looked over thecongregation, pointedto the three hand-somest men in thebuilding and said, "I'll take him, and him,and him."
Out ’n About at theChamber Awards
Banquet
Chip MorrisonAndroscoggin Chamber Presi-dent will retire later this year.
If I have seen further it is by
standing on the shoulders of
giants.
I just don’t have time for the nervous breakdown that I deserve.
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201518
Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
It was so cold... When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!
An IMPOSSIBLE Brain Teaser
Answers are on page 47. But at least give it a shot first!
Used by permission www.spelling-words-well.com
SWEETHEARTS!
Sherri & ChadSylvester
Steve & PamHecker
Shawn Leone & Alicia Baril
Q: Which U.S. Statehas the smallest soft
drinks?
A: Mini-soda
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 19
It was so cold... Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Insanity you say? We like to call it “Personal Happiness”.
Wire electrical jobs so fun?
Visit our award winning website www.brendafontaine.com
161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston
784-7042LabadiesBakery.com
Mon. 6am-noon • Tues-Fri 6am-3pm
Every FridayBuy 1 dozen donuts atregular price ($7.50)
and get the 2nd dozenat half price!
$11.25 for both
Whoopie SpecialBuy 1 dozen get
the 2nd dozen forOnly $1.00with couponIn-Store Only
Expires 2.28.15 (UAD)
✃
Get Your
Sweetheart a
Heart-shaped
Donut!
Over InsuredSubmitted by Jimbo
The insurance agency Iwork for draws busi-ness from a retirementcommunity. Once,when applying for autoinsurance for a client, Iasked him how manymiles he drives in ayear. He said he didn’tknow.
"Well, do you drive10,000 miles a year?" Iasked, "or 5,000?"
He said the numberssounded high. "Whatmonth is this?" heasked. I told him it wasJuly.
"Maybe this will help,"he said. "I filled the carwith gas in February."
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201520
I'm not in denial; I'm just selective about the realities I accept.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
www.rainbowfcu.com
SWEETHEARTS!
Venise & Tony PrattStill madly in love
Trisha Marston &John Acker
Tisha & ShawnBlais
Another Day at theDigest office...
Thomas to Jimbo:
“My memory is sobad!”
“How bad is it?”
“How bad is what?”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 21
It was so cold... I chipped a tooth on my soup!
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
It was so cold... We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!
PROTECTINGWhat You Love.
What You Do.
What You Cherish..
commercial home auto recreational umbrella life health
232 Center St., Auburn
786-0417
Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm
VarneyAgency.com
Kerrie RobbinsCommercial Insurance
Specialist
“Try us once,
you’ll be a regular!”
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET
For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!
2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502
Sweetheart Headquarters!
Brad, Kaitlyn, Drew, Lauren & Angela
ANY LARGE PIZZA!
$3 OFFLimit one per customer per visit
(UAD) Expires 2.28.15
PleaseKeepItLocal
SWEETHEARTS!
Tim & VickieRucker
21st Valentine's Day
Tim & ShaniSmith
29th Valentine's Day
Steve & Sasha Vurnakes
Q: What do you getwhen you cross an elephant and a skin
doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist.
Chip &Jane Morrison,
sweethearts sharing a moment during the festivities at
the Ramada in Lewiston. Chip, Androscoggin Chamber President, will re-
tire from his long-time position later this year.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201522
When the investor came home from work he was spent.
A whopping 542,629 acres of Maine is a part of national and state parks.
The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.
LuiggisPizzeria.com
Since 1953
MONDAYThe Fergy
TUESDAYMeatball Subs
WEDNESDAYSpaghetti Dinners
1 meatball, salad, garlic bread, drink
THURSDAYMini Pizza
FRIDAY$1.00 OFF
Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY2 Ham or Salami
Italians
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50
SUNDAYBaked Ziti
$6.00 sm $2.50 lg $5.00
sm $3.35 w/ch $3.99lg $6.50 w/ch $7.50 $5.25
1 topping $2.992 toppings $3.99
$7.99
Mon-Sun: 9am - 10pm
SWEETHEARTS!
Ernie & PattiGagne
Josh Pelletier &Steph Gagne
Yohanan Svitavsky& Stephanie Gravel
Lori Gagne &Bill Gagne
Photo credit: Bell Photography,Gray, ME
Out ’nAbout
at the ChamberAwards Banquet
It’s been one heck of aride, honey...
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 23
The Acadia National Park is the second most-visited national park in America.
He made a slow start in the sport of weightlifting but he picked it up eventually.
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Ray Hurillaof Ray Hurilla Plumbingand Heating is a sole pro-prietorship. His home-based business islocated in Lewiston. Ray is a Master OilBurner Technician andalso a Master Plumber.He is licensed and in-sured in the state ofMaine with over 15 yearsexperience. Providing advice andassistance to residentialcustomers on new instal-lations (new constructionand existing homes) andservice of their oil heatingsystems. His many years of ex-perience in trouble shoot-ing with older systemsreally benefit many ofRay’s customers. Relyingheavily on referrals fromsatisfied customers, hemakes sure the job isdone right the first time. Contact Ray HurillaPlumbing and Heating at485-7357, visit his website: rayhurillaplumbingand-heating.com, find him onFacebook and most im-portantly, see his ad onpage 30.
Q: What is that no manever saw which never
was but always willbe?
A: Tomorrow
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201524
The state of Maine is estimated to contain 6,000 lakes and ponds.
If you wanna see the rainbow you must first endure the rain.
136 Sabattus Road, Sabattus(Across from Cumberland Farms)
375-4188
We close out the weekend every Sunday with the original Retro Party!!
Winter Punderland
Submitted by Thomas Hill
As we waited for a busin the frosty weather,the woman next to mementioned that shemakes a lot of mis-takes when texting inthe cold.
I nodded knowingly.“It’s the early signs oftypothermia.”
So a dog walks into abar and asks the bar-tender, “Do you haveany jobs?”
The bartender says, “Why don’t you try thecircus?”
The dog replies, “Whywould the circus needa bartender?”
Rare Company
Submitted by Jimbo
A factory owner said toa store owner, "Thankyou, Mr. Smith, for yourpatronage. I wish I hadtwenty customers likeyou."
"Wow, it's nice to hearthat, but I'm kind ofsurprised," admittedSmith. "You know that Iargue every bill and al-ways pay late."
The factory owner said,"I'd still like twenty cus-tomers like you. Theproblem is, I have twohundred."
I do five sit-ups every morning... It may not sound like many but there are only so manytimes you can hit the snooze button.
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 25
“The greatest science in the world; in heaven and on earth; is love.” – Mother Teresa
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
181 Sabattus Rd., Sabattus
BURLESQUE
Evening classes offer the privacythat is essential to experience theproper atmosphere of Burlesque!
With the lights dimmed downlow the room warmed with body
heat, pointed toes for instant sexiness and slippery chairs
for easier glide.BURLESQUE Chair
SHOULD be in EVERY Woman’s life!
Don’t let the class atmospheremislead you ~
Burlesque Chair is a TOTALBody aerobic workout withthe sexy kick that we forget
we ALL can have!
Check out our Complete Class Schedule
Visit our website:
www.SPRQstudio.com
Burlesque Chair WorkoutsCome find out what the buzz is all about!
SPRQ Burlesque Performance Workshops
Beginning week of March 23rd (day of week & time TBA)
Ranging from $75 - $150 per person
Includes Full Burlesque Costume (3 choices)
5 weeks of performance training with leg/core/ab fitness segments
A friends/family LIVE PREVIEW Performance at the end!
SWEETHEARTS!
Tj Niles & JasmineKronstrand
Amy Knight &Mark Brookes
John & CorrinaTancrede
Married 21 years
Ann & Dan Dumais
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201526
In 1623, America's first sawmill was established in York, Maine.
My skiing skills are really going downhill.
Local Radio... The Way It Should Be!
The only FM Station just for the L/A Area!!
4 WAYS TO LISTEN: Around L/A at 105.5-FM & 1240-AM,
Online at www.z1055.com & Tune-In App.
• The Hits of TodayShake It Off/Taylor Swift, Stay With Me/Sam Smith, Am I Wrong?/Nico & Vinz, Maps/Maroon 5, Rude/Magic, Try/Col-bie Caillat, All About That Bass/Megan Trainor... and much more.
• And Classic HitsSongs from the 80’s thru Today!
• Breakfast Club with Matty BLive interviews with local guests Monday – Friday 6-10am. Local News & Sports
• Great Music All Day10am-2pm: “Rush Hours” with Jeremy Rush. “Retro Lunch” 12-1pm2-6pm: The “Dean” of Radio, Dave Dean LIVE weekdays.4-5pm: Dave’s “Friday Free For All”, featuring local artists.6pm-12am: The “Night Shift” with L/A’s own Gene Cassidy.Sat 8-11am: Z105.5 Top 30 Countdown.
SWEETHEARTS!
Cassandra & KyleMann
Danny & JenBanker
Brittanie & AdamFirst Dance
Darlene Hersom & Brian Benoit
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 27
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.” — Woodrow Wilson
I would rather tell you one truth you don’t like than to tell you a hundred lies you do like.
Valentine’s DanceFebruary 14th • 8pm - 12midnight
Heart Necklace Door PrizeAll Ladies will receive a Rose
Friends of Bonnie &
Larry PelletierPlease Join Us for a Benefit Spaghetti Dinner
Saturday Feb. 28th 5-6:30pm$5/per person • Lots of Raffle Items and 50/50 drawing!
NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 782-9039
SWEETHEARTS!
Greg & TracyDubois
Jim & Jeanne Sullivanmarried 50 years
Deanna & ShaneLaccase
Jocelyn French &Steven Sidelinger
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
87 Mill St.New Auburn753-0171
(for take-out)
• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!Rolly’s Diner
Rolly’s Diner was proud to receive the Small BusinessLeadership Award from the Androscoggin Chamber on
Thursday, January 22.
*Photo credit: Bell Photography Gray, ME
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201528
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Assisted Home Care II“Our Family
Assisting Your Family”
11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org
Assisting Families since 1997.
• Registered Home Health Care Service Agency• Private Duty Care & Staff Relief• 24 hour Personal Care and Response• Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers• Assist with Independent Living at Home
Now expanding our services to the Midcoast Region!
Wrinkle CreamSubmitted by Thomas Hill
A nine-year-old girlwalked in while hermom was getting readyfor work. "What areyou doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinklecream," her mom an-swered.
"Oh," she said, walkingaway. "I thought theywere natural."
Blind DateSubmitted by Thomas Hill
"How was your blinddate?"
"Terrible! She showedup in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."
"What’s so terribleabout that?"
“She was the originalowner."
Guerrilla Marketing!
Submitted by Jimbo
A new hair salonopened up for businessright across the streetfrom the old estab-lished hair cutters'place.
They put up a big boldsign which read:"WE GIVE $7 HAIRCUTS!"
Not to be outdone, theold Master Barber putup his own sign:"WE FIX $7 HAIRCUTS".
Linda Arel, Jessica Campbell & Kelly Ryder
Kim Beth, Tyler Barnies & Mykayla McCann
Out ’n About at Day’s Jewelers in Auburn
Shopping for jewelry?
Well yeah!
Tyler is so tall you can put myvoice bubble right
above my head.
How convenient!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 29
If you let go of the past, it no longer has a hold on you.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
OPEN TO THE PUBLIC • 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items
• Firearm Laws Will Be Observed
• CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUEGUNS OF ALL KINDS
• KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS
Admission: Adults: $8Children under 12: Free with adult
Dealers from
throughout
New England
Auburn Exchange Club’s39th Annual Twin Cities
GUN SHOWSAT. MARCH 28th 9-4SUN. MARCH 29th 9-3
at the
LewistonArmoryCentral Ave.,
Lewiston
SWEETHEARTS!
Tammy Clavet-Bureau& Marc Bureau
in Las Vegas 17 years ago
Maria Carbone & Jesse Burlock
Lou & Connie ClavetOld Orchard 45 years ago
Richard Patrie & Melissa Ann
I could hide for days in the laundry hamper because no one in my house knows how to open the lid.
All take-out orders will receive a Red Envelope with$ in it! The 50th take-out order will have a $50.00
Gift Certificate in their envelope!
730 Center Street, Auburn • Auburn Plaza • 376-4855 • jasminecafemaine.com
5% of all Take-Out Orderswill be donated to theAuburn Knights of Columbus
Live Entertainment Valentines Evening!Book ReservationsToday!
BackfiredSubmitted by Jimbo
One day a little girl wassitting and watchingher mother do thedishes at the kitchensink.
She suddenly noticedthat her mother hadseveral strands ofwhite hair sticking outin contrast to herbrunette head.
She looked at hermother and inquisi-tively asked, "Why aresome of your hairswhite, Mommy?"
Her mother replied,"Well, every time thatyou do somethingwrong and make mecry or unhappy, one ofmy hairs turns white."
The little girl thoughtabout this revelation fora while and then said,"Mommy, how comeALL of grandma's hairsare white?"
Family TiesSubmitted by Thomas Hill
On New Year's Eve,Marilyn stood up in thelocal pub and said thatit was time to getready. At the stroke ofmidnight, she wantedevery husband to bestanding next to theone person who madehis life worth living.
As the clock struck, thebartender was almostcrushed to death.
Patti Gagneof the Patti GagneAgency accepts theRay Geiger Award (flanked by Chip Morri-son, Matt Jancovic &Clif Greim)
Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
Out ’n About at theChamber Awards
Banquet
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 33
What do butterflies feel when they're in love?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
What do birdies see when they faint?
JT Reid’s Gun Show & Auction
Gun Show - $5/per person
(Under 16 & Active Military FREE)
Concealed Firearms Prohibited even with permit
Auction - Sat. at 6pm
Maine Law Enforcement Confiscated Firearms and Estate Firearms*
*Now Accepting Personal & Estate Firearms for Auction.
Call JT Reids Gun Shop 777-3579 • 86 Court St. Auburn • jtreidsgunshop.com
Saturday April 11th 9am - 4pmSunday April 12th 9am - 2pm
Elks Lodge, 108 Odlion Road in Bangor
Out ’n About at theChamber Awards
Banquet
Brian Craig &Pam Ashby
Uncle Andy’s Digest
Thomas HillUncle Andy’s Digest
Tim & VickieRucker
Uncle Andy’s Digest
I wonder what I’m thinking...
Tim loves being married to
the total package.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201534
A closed mind is a good thing to lose.
I saw a sign that said "seeing eye dogs only" who is supposed to read this, the dog?
Justin & CourtneyVincentDr. Chen & Lily Chen
Auburn Plaza Dentistry
Jonathon &
Sheena Burgin
Lisa & NathanBolduc
Shannon & GregWebster
Shane Smith &
Sarah Dailey
Kelli Gilzow & Chad Stowell
SWEETHEARTS!
Daryl & Bonnie
Caron
Heather Maxim-Bar-
nett & Mark Barnett
sweethearts since 1999
Tiffany & Casey
Victoria Rogers &Kevin McBean
Out ’n About at theChamber Awards
Banquet
Art ChamberlainModern Woodmen of America
Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
Laurie OuelletteSweet Pea Designs
Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
Kohen SteeleDon’s Automotive
Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
Quite honestly, I believe the Patriotsdeserve an apology.
Ryan’s Cream750ml $9.99
Save $3
RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE
5 Locations for Your Convenience
694 Main St.
Lewiston • 782-1482
794 Sabattus St.
Lewiston • 783-6353
1420 Lisbon St.
Lewiston • 333-3095
545 Minot Ave.
Auburn • 783-2047
303-311 Main St.
Auburn • 783-9098
Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn
We carry risers, covers,baffle replacements, septic additives.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNINGCO., INC.
111 Woodman Hill RDMinot, ME 04258
207.782.4508800.924.4500
Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke'.
I hate audio correct!
Now’s the time to quit smoking...
Try
136 Sabattus Rd, Sabattus • 577-0468
10% OFF with this adLimit one per person per visit
Exp. 2.28.15
Jen Pike, Erica Madore & Ashley SommaJen & Ashley are with Twin City Times,
Erica represents Austin Associates
Gettin’ with the Times
Goin’ Dental
Chelsea Letourneau & friendsof Center Street Dental
Ron & Marge PartridgeOwners of Dons Automotive accepted the
Lisbon Business of the Year Award from Joyce Gibson
Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet
Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201540
“Thought is free.” — William Shakespeare
With age comes wisdom. Apparently, wisdom weighs about 30 pounds.
I hav
e no
issu
e w
ith p
eopl
e w
ho h
ave
let t
hem
selv
es g
o, it
’s th
e pe
ople
who
hav
e le
t the
mse
lves
sta
y th
at b
othe
r m
e.
WHENYOU’RE
TIRED OFTHIS...
GIVE US A CALL!
Servicing the Mechanic Falls,Minot & Poland areas.
JMARPLOWING
Reasonable Rates
576-4844
Fully InsuredFree Quotes
SWEET
HEART WINNERS!Here are our
We had an incredible response to our social media callout for sweethearts to send us their photos. As you can
see the Digest is full of them. These 3 couples were ran-domly chosen as winners of our prize packages. All 3 will
get the same package:
A goodie bag from:
Romance Boutique
A Wind & Fire bracelet from:
Gift certificate from:
1/2 Dozen Chocolate covered Strawberries from:
Maine Gourmet Chocolates
$5 Gift card from:
Top It Frozen Yogurt Bar
Mikayla Welch & Tim Myers
We’re sure she said yes!
Mandy Cote & Justin Audette
Getting married in June
Whitney & Michael Lovely with their children, Bailey & Brody
Congratulat ions!
These three lucky coupleswill be contacted to pickup their prize packages.
Thank you to everyonewho participated. We hada great time with it! Andthank you to the sponsor-ing businesses who do-nated prizes!!
The team at Uncle Andy’s Digest
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 41Sometimes I feel like a #1 pencil at a standardized test location.
The cleanest dog will roll on the dirtiest thing- it's science.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Calling All LoversJoin us for dinner Valentine’s Weekend
Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com
Make Your reservations NOW! Q: If it took eight men
ten hours to build a wall,how long would it takefour men to build it?
A: No time at all, it is already built.
You’re OldSubmitted by Thomas Hill
Her college assign-ment was to interviewan "old person" abouthis life, so my nieceasked me, "What wasthe biggest historicalevent that happenedduring your child-hood?"
"I’d have to say the firstmoonwalk," I replied.
She looked disap-pointed. "That dancewas so important toyou?"
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201542
I’m exhausted. I spent all day saying “no” to my children and “yes” to my wife.
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
782-2135Mon. - Sat. 10:30am - 9pm
Sun. 11am - 5pm
A place where family & friends
gather for good food & cheer
at great prices!
Every Sunday: 12” Cheese Pizza - only $5.99$5 well Bloody Mary’s!
Stop in and try one of our Daily Specials!!
Welcomes...
Dustin Torres, Goldsmith
Dustin has 10 yrs experience in the Jewelry Industry!
Specializing in Handmade Jewelry
600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com
134 Main Street, Auburn • 376-3376 • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com
Main St. Music Lessons& Instrument Repair
Picks • StringsTuners
Metronomes
We carry quality new & used instruments • Call us for service on any instrument that needs repair.
CALL NOW TO BOOK YOUR LESSONS
Time TravelerSubmitted by Thomas Hill
If someone from the1950s suddenly ap-peared, what would bethe most difficult thingto explain about lifetoday?
One answer: “I possess a device inmy pocket that is capa-ble of accessing theentirety of informationknown to man. I use itto look at pictures ofcats and get into argu-ments with strangers.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 47
“You might be a redneck if… you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntingdog.” – Jeff Foxworthy
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
Your Sweetheart deserves the gift ofRELAXATION
185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200
Get her a Gift Certificate forthe Best Spa Pedicure in L/A!
“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” – Tom Peters
“Common sense is not so common.” — Voltaire
Gary & Elaine HemenwayOwners of Payroll Management accept the Business Leadership Award,
presented by Robin Robbins & Hillary Dow.Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
If there's so much laborsaving machinery, why don't we have more free time?
Out ’n About at the Chamber Awards Banquet
Out ’n About at theChamber Awards
Banquet
Shawn & TanyaCornish
Jimbo Marston & Kurk Lalemand
of Next Level Business Coaching
Betsy Libby & Jean Blais
Photo credit: Bell Photography, Gray, ME
Shawn’s Lawns can’t come soon
enough!
By the time the wed-ding planner finallybothered to order theflowers there werenone left.
The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 49
“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.” — Warren Buffett
"I must remember this" I say to myself, as I instantly forget what it is.
Enjoy Valentine’s Dayat
Dine with us on Valentine’s Night andyou will be entered to win our RomanticPackage for Two:
• Dinner for Two at Sea40• Overnight Stay w/Breakfast at the Hilton Garden Riverwatch• One-hour massage for two at Cassiel’s Day Spa• Bouquet of Roses from Sweet Pea Designs
All reservations made before Feb. 12th will be entered to win thisdrawing. Winner will be announced on Sea40’s Facebook page on themorning of Feb. 14th.
Prize will be given upon reservation check in(Sea40 has the right to cancel or amend special promotions at their
discretion without notice or compensation and reserves the final right to make such decisions.)
Call today for your dining engagement
795-6888
40 East Avenue, Lewistonwww.Sea40.com
Follow us on Twitter & Facebook
for Promotions &Give-a-ways!
Out ’n About atPedro O’Hara’s
in Lewistonwith live music by
The Whiskey Militia
It’s easy to get lost in
a sea of people...
Scott Welsh &Bill Welsh
Father & son dynamicduo at Pedro’s
At the store today,when the cashier said,"Strip down facing me"apparently she was re-ferring to my creditcard!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201550
My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food.
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy;
You’re welcome.
743-3891
70 Main Street, South Paris • harrisbrosrubbishremoval.com
Now serving Lewiston & Auburn!Call us for a FREE quote.
Serving: Norway • West ParisMinot • Mechanic Falls • Oxford
& NOW Lewiston/Auburn!
No Separating Required!
Roland Berube, Kim Ray & Jim Laliberty
Out ’n About at Pedro O’Hara’s in Lewiston
Cutting Room floor tidbits
Barry Morrill & Matt Drewaltried to sneak this photo into our “Sweetheart” Con-test. They do make a cute couple, but the editors at
UAD would have none of it.
For every mile of road there's two miles of ditch.
I pick things up and put them
down.
Pure FaithSubmitted by Thomas Hill
Two nuns were driving
down a country road
when they ran out of
gas.
They walked to a farm-
house and a farmer
gave them some gaso-
line, but the only con-
tainer he had was an
old bedpan.
The nuns were happy
to take whatever they
were offered and re-
turned to their car.
As they were pouring
the gasoline from the
bedpan into the tank of
their car, a minister
drove by.
He stopped, rolled
down his window and
said, "Excuse me, sis-
ters. I'm not of your re-
ligion, but I couldn't
help admiring your
faith!"
Happy Valentine’s
Day
That guy from the transmission shop looks kinda shifty.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 51
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.
All
of t
he a
bove
wit
h on
e ph
one
call!
Unc
le A
ndy’
s D
iges
t • 7
83-7
039
• Unc
leA
ndys
.com
• ed
itor
@U
ncle
And
ys.c
om
Out ’n About at
Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate
Competitionat the Green Ladle
Lewiston HS Campus
Rolly Blais &Mary Bolduc
Rolly’s Diner
Austin PerraultCentral Maine
Community College
Megan Labbe &Tamara Morgan
Green Ladle students
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 201552
We had social networking back in the day. It was called
“go outside and play”.
Of course women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
Out ’n About at
Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate
Competitionat the Green Ladle (LRTC),
Lewiston HS Campus
Michele Bisbee &Daisy Taylor
Bates College
Annette RoyChocolat Lover
Her 6th year attending (and working)!
The Digest is awesome! I look
forward to it everymonth!!
Sadie Blais, Chris Page& Jordan Blais
Rolly’s Diner
Cathy, Darren, Zayda & Xen MorseRolly’s Diner
LadiesTees
Submitted by Jimbo
A husband and wifewho are avid golfershave been happilymarried for 30 years,and on the day of their30th anniversary theyenjoy a wonderful daytogether. They have adelicious breakfast inbed, then proceed toone of their favoritegolf courses. They playthrough to the 9th hole,both having an amaz-ing game. The hus-band watches hisbeautiful wife tee offand feels a rush ofemotion and guilt.
"Honey, I have to tellyou something. At thevery beginning of ourmarriage, I was withanother woman. It onlyhappened once andI've been faithful eversince. It was a mistakeand I hope you can for-give me."
The wife looks fondlyat him. "I forgive you.We've had a veryhappy life together. Ilove you."
The husband is so re-lieved, feeling light asa feather. They play afew more holes in blisswhen suddenly thewife turns to her husband.
"Honey, I too havesomething to confess."
(continued on next page)
Chocolate is goooooooooood!
Out ’n About at Chocolat6th Annual Chocolate Competition
Rolly’s Diner 2015:
1st Place - Display
1st Place - People’s Choice
3rd Place - Judges Choice
A dog goes into a barand orders a martini.The bartender says,“You don’t see a dog inhere drinking a martinivery often.”
The dog says, “Atthese prices, I’m not
surprised.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
February 2015 UncleAndys.com 53I never use my turn signal. It’s nobody’s business where I’m freakin’ going.
POOL BUILDERS OF MAINEQuality Workmanship, Outstanding Service