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My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Ron Ouellette*207-786-3612
Lewiston
Kim Pelkey*207-786-2573
Lewiston/Norway
Paul Colasante*207-782-8823
Lewiston
Michael Courtemanche*207-783-8921
Lewiston
Dick Courtemanche207-786-3622
Lewiston
Forest Cluff*207-725-4606
Brunswick
Deb Wagemann* ChFC207-783-8804
Auburn
*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.
Art Chamberlain207-514-7003
Lewiston
MODERN WOODMEN OF AMERICA
August 2014Thursday, August 7th Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm(Chapter 14437) 1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston$8 Member $8.50 Guest
Saturday, August 9th Bailey Island Cruise Be there by 11:30am(Chapter 8609) Cooks Landing,Bailey Island $13.50 age 10-64;$11 age 65+; $5 age 5-9
Tuesday, August 12thTaber’s 4pm – 7pm(Chapter 12749) Lakeshore Drive, Auburn $4.50 Member $5.50 Guest
Wednesday, August 20th Dairy Joy 3pm – 7pm(Chapter 10589) Campus Ave,Lewiston or Spring St. Auburn $1per person
Tuesday, August 26th Luiggi's 4pm - 7pm(Chapter 12907) Sabattus St, Lewiston$4.50 Member $5.50 Guest
Wednesday, August 27thVillage Pizzeria 11:30am - 1pm(Chapter 10929) 16 Pleasant St, McFalls$5 Member $5.50 Guest
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWEDPrices, Dates and Menu are subject tochange. If additional info is needed,please call our office, please do not callrestaurants. All activities can only beattended at the times listed.*************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Modern Woodmen District Office, 184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all activities and can only be picked up theweek prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs 9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon (excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 20144
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
You can't stay young forever; but, you can be immature for your entire life.
Uncle Andy’s Digestis published by the first
Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean
Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.
It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed
to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to ensure the accuracy of the information in ourclient’s advertisements and our publication ingeneral, we are not responsible for vendor availability, typographical errors, technical inac-curacies, product pricing errors, or omissions.
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!
Mike & JoeAdkins,licensed
denturists
801 Webster Street, Lewiston
514-0660
We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances AcceptedWe also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!
Also see us for:• Full Dentures
• Immediate Dentures
• Partial Dentures
• Rebases
• Relines
• Repairs
• All work done in house,
including metal frameworks
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 5
At this age I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started.
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Wicked SmaahtSubmitted by Jimbo
A doctor, a lawyer, a lit-tle boy and a priestwere out for a Sundayafternoon flight on asmall private plane.Suddenly, the planedeveloped engine trou-ble. In spite of the bestefforts of the pilot, theplane started to godown. Finally, the pilotgrabbed a parachute,yelled to the passen-gers that they had bet-ter jump, and then hebailed out.
Unfortunately, therewere only three para-chutes remaining. Thedoctor grabbed oneand said "I'm a doctor, Isave lives, so I mustlive," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said,"I'm a lawyer andlawyers are thesmartest people in theworld. I deserve tolive." He also grabbeda parachute andjumped.
The priest looked atthe little boy and said,"My son, I've lived along and full life. Youare young and haveyour whole life aheadof you. Take the lastparachute and live inpeace."
The little boy handedthe parachute back tothe priest and said,"Not to worry, Father.The 'smartest man inthe world' just took offwith my back pack!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 20146
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2013Ford Escape SEL
4WD, Auto, 18k
our price
$24,995
2011 ChevroletTraverse
1LT, White, 3.6L, V6,AWD, 53k
our price
$21,995
2011 Ford Fusion SEL
Automatic, 2.5L, 4cyl.,Gray, 63k
our price
$15,688
2011 ToyotaAvalon Limited
Black, 37k, Automatic
our price
$23,9952012 Toyota
Camry Hybrid XLE
Gray Mica, 11k
our price
$26,995
2013 Chrysler200 Limited
3.6L, V6, 4dr., FWD,White, 5k
our price
$20,995
2012 ToyotaCorolla S
Silver, Manual,40k
our price
$15,588
2012 Ford Focus SE
Red, 51k, auto, FWD,36mpg
our price
$14,995
SumOut ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Michael Gahagan & Betsy Coy
It’s what makes the world go ‘round...
Ray Ouellette, Lisa Olm-stead & Jesse St. Laurent
The Back Forty Used
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 7
I don't want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
2012 ToyotaCamry LE
Gray, Automatic,36k
our price
$16,998
2006 ToyotaCamry LE
Gray, Automatic,59k
our price
$10,9952011 Hyundai
Sonata Limited
Shimmering White, 2.4L4cyl., 55k
our price
$15,995
2013 Toyota4Runner SR5
Gray, 31k, auto, 4WD,V6
our price
$30,995
2012 ToyotaHighlander SE
V6, White, Automatic,24k
our price
$28,995
2013 ToyotaCamry SE
White, Automatic,24k
our price
$20,995
2013 Kia SoulBase
FWD, Auto 17k
our price
$15,9952013 Toyota
Corolla S
Gray, Manual,9k
our price
$18,995
mmer Deals!Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Franki TamThe man, the myth,
the legend at Sea 40
We hope everyone had a great
time. Thanks for comingto our BASH!
The best date a guy could have.
A brain walks into a barand orders a pint ofbeer.
The barman says, "I'mnot serving you, you'reout of your skull!"
Car & Truck Center
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 20148
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
HARRIS BROTHERS
HARRISBROS.
Call us!No Separating Required!
743-3891PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268
SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARISMINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD
KEEP COOL! GET YOUR A/C RECHARGED NOW!
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
BJ Grondin, CSCS
• Group Classes • One-on-One Training • Nutrition Services • Team Training
Christine Wilson, Shawn Wright, Jen Gen Carlton & AnnMarie Gendron
It was AnnMarie’s birthday,
so we hit the Bash likewe owned it.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!Mouths of Babes
Submitted by Jimbo
A woman was tryinghard to get the ketchupout of the jar. Duringher struggle the phonerang so she asked her4-year-old daughter toanswer it.
The little girlanswered the phoneobediently saying: “Mommy can't come tothe phone to talk to youright now. She's hittingthe bottle.”
VisitationSubmitted by Thomas Hill
An elderly woman de-cided to prepare herwill and told herpreacher she had twofinal requests. First,she wanted to be cre-mated, and second,she wanted her ashesscattered over Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart?" thepreacher exclaimed."Why Wal-Mart?"
Then I'll be sure mydaughters visit metwice a week."
Call Diana orLarry formore info
and pricing!
Dad’s PlaceCatering Division
Fall Dates are filling fast - Book NOW!
345-9009 DadsPlace.info
Weddings • ReunionsLobster Feeds • BBQ’s and More!
Indoors • Outdoors • We do it all!
There’s NO PLACE like...
Dad’s Place23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info
We can accommodate any size party small, large or enormous!!
Professional service at an affordable price
Expires 8.31.14 ONLY
$5
FREE COFFEE FRIDAY!
Free 20 oz. coffee with purchaseof Breakfast Sandwich
every Friday.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201410
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.
Mike Morin’s Auto Center
Mike Morin
autorepairsauburnmaine.com • Hours: Open Monday-Thursday 7-5pm • Friday 7-Noon
1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433
Front end alignments for ONLY$79.95!
WHAT A DEAL!
OIL CHANGE
Up to 5 qts. Most Vehicles(Not including Diesels or Heavy Trucks)
$24.95
Our
19th Year!
Fresh ProduceBlackie’s Farm
Open Year Round
996 Sabattus St. • Lewiston • 786-4356
908 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005
Hours: 6am - 8pm
The survival of the fittest is going to make someone awful lonesome some day.
Lobster Stew ∞ Fish Chowder ∞ Sandwiches ∞ Lobster Subs ∞ Kids Menu
Call for more info.
Want us to cater
your next event? Food & Beverage - We do it!
Buffet style or plated dinners or lunches?
We got it!
Platters for 15 or 30 people?
We do it!
Elevator Romance
Submitted by Jimbo
I was alone in an ele-vator when a girlstepped in with aphone pressed to herear. “I have to go,” shetold the person on theother end. “There’s a cute guy standinghere.”
Before I could react,she turned to me andsaid, “Sorry for lying. Ijust wanted to end thatconversation.”
The Pencil Principle
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A mother complainedto my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealingher daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money youunderstand, it’s the principle,” she insisted.
“My husband tookthose pencils fromwork.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 11
In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Out ’n About atLuiggi’s in Lewiston
on Spaghetti Day
Tyler Palmer
We hope you enjoy this sneak peakinto the behind thescenes at Luiggi’s.
Morgan Hubbard
Spaghetti day always makes me think of thatmovie Lady and
the Tramp.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201412
I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.
Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of bull fighters everywhere!
I may be getting older, but I've still got it! Lately however, nobody wants to see it.
Out ’n About at theBlue Goose
with the Chamber forBusiness After Hours
Bert CoteOwner of Thatcher’s in the Auburn Mall
It takes the new guy to finally
get my picture in Uncle Andy’s Digest,
nice!
Gary & JenniferRoss
Wasting TimeSubmitted by Thomas Hill
A little girl had just finished her first weekof school.
“I'm just wasting mytime,” she said to hermother. “I can't read, Ican't write, and theywon't let me talk!”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 13
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL".
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Flower ShoppeSweet Pea Designs
Weddings • Receptions & PartiesProms • I Love You’s • Birthdays
Little Uncle Andyopened the big familyBible hoping to viewsome pictures. He wasfascinated as he fingered through theold pages.
Suddenly, somethingfell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it suspiciously. What hesaw was an old leafthat had been pressedin between the pages.
“Mom, look what Ifound,” Little UncleAndy called out.
“What have you gotthere, Andy?”
With astonishment inLittle Uncle Andy’svoice, he answered, “Ithink it's Adam's underwear!”
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201416
I'm really into Grandfather clocks... Big time.
The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
Age
is ju
st a
num
ber
and
min
e is
unl
iste
d.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Darth Vader had a corrupt brother, Taxi Vader.
550 Lisbon Street, LewistonCubiclesinMaine.com • 207-783-4820 or 1-866-464-CUBE
We Furnish Solutions!
AFFORDABLE OFFICESOLUTIONS
Maine’s OFUSA Dealer
Need a Desk? An Office Chair? Or maybe a new Filing Cabinet?
All that and a whole lot more.Come see us at our NEW
location in the Pepperell Mill.
7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039New Auburn Social Club
August 15th & 16th Balloon FestivalBANDS BOTH NIGHTS! Food & $1.00 Can BeerFri. Audio Vibe 6-10pm • Sat. 4Play 6-10pm
9:00am–3:00pm Bring your bottles to Rolly’s Diner Parking Lot or return your bottles to Wheelers in New Auburn – mention the Marshall Popcorn Truck Fund.
All monies from the returns go to the repair of Marshall Popcorn Truck. Yard Sale 9:00am–3:00pm and Pig Roast 3–5:00pm • Call LeRoy FMI @ 577-2694
BOTTLE DRIVE Sat. Aug. 23rdDart & Pool
Leaguesstarting
soon!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 17
"I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig". It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Bought a suit made from a cactus, looked pretty sharp in it, too.
My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
333-0364Front Row L to R: Mallory & DanMiddle Row: Penny, Marek, John, Eli & GavinBack Row: Sarah, Brad, Ryan & Steve
Come join thefamily!
Bob Smith won a gift certifi-cate to Dad’s Placein Mechanic Falls.You better LIKE Uncle Andy’s Digeston Facebook for chances to win fabulous prizes!
Dinner is on metonight, honey!
I bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
On the LookoutSubmitted by Jimbo
Police are hunting the'Knitting Needle Bandit', who stabbedsix people in the backside recently.
They believe the attacker could be following some kind ofpattern.
Occasionally I question my sanity - sometimes, worryingly, it replies.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 19
A book just fell on my head... I've only got myshelf to blame.
There's a spider living in my keyboard, but it's alright, I've got him under control.
FREE Kids Haircut
71 East Avenue • Lewiston
783-3321www.cassiels.com
Mom, book a cut andcolor and get a
Kid’s CutAbsolutely Free!
(Up to 10 years old)
Call for an appointment!
Out ’n About atLuiggi’s in Lewiston
on Spaghetti Day
Lynnette Clark
We average 35 pounds of
spaghetti served on Wednesdays!
Dalton Burns
Not to mention 6 pots of sauce and
50 pounds of meatballs!!
Sandy Larochelle
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
Auburn Suburban Little League 9/10 year-old All-Stars, District 5 ChampionsThese ball players went on to compete in the state tournament and finished 3rd in the state!
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201420
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
I was brought up to believe I could be anybody I wanted to be... Turns out the police call that identity theft!
Man walks into seafood shop and says “Can I have a lobster tail please?” The owner says “Sure, Once upon a time...”
withSPRQ-tacular
Savings!August 25th through
September 6th
FITNESS
375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com
20 Main St., Sabattus(2nd Floor)
Special
1 Day Pric
ing
& Teacher
Specials
Back to School Live Sale & Open HouseSaturday, Sept. 6th Noon-7pm
Class Demos, Giveaways galore, Extra Special 1 day pricing
w/school
ID badge
SABATTUS MAIN STREET MARKET
For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!
2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502
“Try us once,
you’ll be a regular!”
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm
1-TOPPING PIZZAS2 LARGE
$16.99ONLYExpires 8.31.14
Where You’re Like One of the Family!
Drew, Kaitlyn & Alicia at Bubble Rock in Acadia National Park
Main Street Market
should start delivering...
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Tina Jennings & Scott Cote
Greg Keneborus
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 21
I hate it when people leave the fridge open. It’s not cool.
Last night I fell asleep on a bed of rice. I was out as soon as my head hit the pilaf.
Two convenient locations: 34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192 or 760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500
GreatFallsfcu.com
Great FallsFederal Credit Union
Restrictions & qualification apply
We have the loan for you!Auto • Recreational • Personal
Our auto loans
will have youfloating on
air!
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We have the money to
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At Great Falls FCUwe’re not full of
hot air!
Call Michele, Dane or Ken today!
Vehicle supplied by Emerson Chevrolet
for photo shoot.
Ten DollarsSubmitted by Thomas Hill
George and his wifeBessie went to thecounty fair every year.This was their "big"event of the year. Infact, it was the closestthing they ever had toa vacation.
Each year Georgewould say to Bessie, "Isure would like to ridein that there cropdustin', acrobatic air-plane." And each yearBessie would say, "Iknow George, but thatairplane ride costs tendollars. And ten dollarsis ten dollars."
One year George andBessie went to the fairand George said,"Bessie, I'm 81 yearsold. If I don't ride thatairplane this year, Imay never get anotherchance."
Bessie replied,"George, that there air-plane ride costs tendollars. And ten dollarsis ten dollars."
The pilot overheardthem and said, "Folks,I've seen you here yearafter year. I knowyou've been wanting toride in my airplane allthat time. I also knowthat money is pretty im-portant to you, and youdon't part with it lightly."
"Tell you what, I'll makeyou a deal. I'll take youboth up for a ride. Ifyou can both keep
(continued on page 23)
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201422
I learned everything I know about the trapeze online, I couldn't have done it without the net.
My friend went to a Star Trek fan convention dressed as Chewbacca... It was a wookie mistake.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now!
www.LuiggisPizzeria.comSince 1953
MONDAYThe Fergy
TUESDAYMeatball Subs
WEDNESDAYSpaghetti Dinners
1 meatball, salad,
garlic bread, drink
THURSDAYMini Pizza
FRIDAY$1.00 OFF
Any Large Pizza
SATURDAY2 Ham or Salami
Italians
EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $5.50
SUNDAYBaked Ziti
Tammy Truman
Out ’n About atLuiggi’s in Lewiston
on Spaghetti Day
Theresa Roy
32 years later and I’m still
smiling!
Uncle Andy, I can’t be bothered
right now. Get out of my kitchen!
Previous owner (2nd from left), Bev Derosier with some ofher family, Bryant, Jacob, Janelle Caron & Alexandra.
We love to stop in when we’re in the
area. It’s great to seeLuiggi’s doing well!
This reminiscing is great and all, Nana...
can we eat NOW?!
Out ’n About atLuiggi’s in Lewiston
Q: How many mystery
writers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.
One to screw it almost
all the way in and the
other to give it a sur-
prising twist at the end.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 23
Breaking News: Cheese factory explodes. Nothing left but de Brie.
Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.
• Wheel alignment & balancing
• Complete brake work• Engine tune-up• Lube-oil-filter• State Inspections
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983
60 Minot Ave • Auburn782-6666 or 783-2026
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE, INC.
A PROUD MEMBER OF THENAPA AUTO CARE TEAM
OUR TIRES
Scooter
$10 off for ANY
Service withthis Coupon!
I got a trumpet for my birthday, but it's still in it's box... I'm not one to toot my own horn.
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm Sunday 7 am – noon
87 Mill St. New Auburn753-0171
• Unusual Omelettes• Crepes• Breakfast All Day• Extensive Menu
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!Rolly’s Diner
Breakfast & Lunch Specials Daily
L to R: Kelcie, Kim, Marc and Pauline
I just can’t get enough of Rolly’s
blueberry pancakes!
quiet for the entire ride,and not say one word, Iwon't charge you athing. But if you sayeven one word, it'll costyou ten dollars."
George and Bessieagreed. They got in theplane and took off. Thepilot did all kinds oftwists, turns, rolls, anddives, but he didn'thear a peep fromGeorge or Bessie. Hetries his fastest upsideroll and it was still quietfrom the back.
When they landed, thepilot looked at George:"Well, I don't believe itGeorge, I did every-thing I could think of toget you to yell, but youdidn't."
George replied, "Well, Iwas going to saysomething whenBessie fell out of theairplane...."
"But, ten dollars is tendollars."
(continued from page 21)
PerspectiveSubmitted by Thomas Hill
A little boy got lost atthe gym and foundhimself in the women'slocker room. When hewas spotted, the roomburst into shrieks, withladies grabbing towelsand running for cover.
The little boy watchedin amazement andthen asked, “What'sthe matter, haven't youever seen a little kidbefore?”
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201424
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.
Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There may be a tax on it by then!
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
The BeautyMiss Maine was one of the
bartenders!
The Brawnsecurity was not an issue
at the Sea Bash!
Take that!!!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 25
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Jeff & Suzi Akerley
Beau & Apryl Blais
JoAn & Dan Larrivee
Would you take a look at that...
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201426
Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind himevery six months.
So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
Right AnswerSubmitted by Jimbo
Farmer Joe decidedhis injuries from the ac-cident were seriousenough to take thetrucking company (re-sponsible for the acci-dent) to court. In courtthe trucking companiesfancy lawyer was ques-tioning farmer Joe."Didn't you say, at thescene of the accident,'I'm fine'?" said thelawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,"Well, I'll tell you whathappened. I had justloaded my favoritemule Bessie intothe......."
"I didn't ask for any de-tails," the lawyer inter-rupted, "just answerthe question. Did younot say, at the scene ofthe accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well,I had just got Bessieinto the trailer and Iwas driving down theroad..."
The lawyer interruptedagain and said, “Judge,I am trying to establishthe fact that, at thescene of the accident,this man told the High-way Patrolman on thescene that he was justfine. Now severalweeks after the acci-dent he is trying to suemy client. I believe heis a fraud. Please tell
(continued on next page)
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 27
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday
villageinnmaine.com
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned for 3 Generations
Large Groups Welcomed Private Function RoomsLounge and Dining RoomFull Bar• Plenty of FREE Parking
Stop by during the Balloon Festivalfor L/A’s Best Seafood!
“Best Seafood Restaurant”Ten years in a row.
- Call Ahead
him to simply answerthe question.”
By this time the Judgewas fairly interested inFarmer Joe's answerand said to the lawyer,"I'd like to hear what hehas to say about his fa-vorite mule, Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judgeand proceeded, "Well,as I was saying, I hadjust loaded Bessie, myfavorite mule, into thetrailer and was drivingher down the highwaywhen this huge semi-truck and trailer ran thestop sign and smackedmy truck right in theside. I was thrown intoone ditch and Bessiewas thrown into theother. I was hurting realbad and didn't want tomove. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moan-ing and groaning. Iknew she was in terri-ble shape just by hergroans.
Shortly after the acci-dent a Highway Patrol-man came on thescene. He could hearBessie moaning andgroaning so he wentover to her. After helooked at her he tookout his gun and shother between the eyes.Then the Patrolmancame across the roadwith his gun in his handand looked at me. Hesaid, "Your mule was insuch bad shape I hadto shoot her - how areyou feeling?"
(continued from previous page)
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783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201430
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.
Ron Chicoine, MDfor County Commissioner
I ask for your vote November 4th
“On Call for Lewiston.”
Paid for and authorized by the candidate.
The SSAANN IIPLUS is the answer for most toilet and bathroom situations.It can be installed up to 15 feet below the sewer level and/or 150 feet away from asoil stack. The SSAANN IIPLUS is simple to install, pumps away waste water from a
toilet, hand basin, bathtub and shower, and is connectedto a low consumption toilet.
ADD A NEW BATHROOM FOR YOUR CELLARNo Need for Chiseling or Building Up a Floor Base
SSAANNIIPLUS
Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.
Back Row: Coach Peter Doucette, Scorekeeper Peter Merrill, Manager Darryl Gibson & Coach Peter Keefe.Middle Row: Hunter Gibson, Jay Hawkes, Darick “DJ” Whitney, Ethan Cutler, Wyatt Knightly & Jack Keefe.
Front row: Andrew Merrill, Noah Pratt, Dean Sinkler, Isaiah Oufiero & Matt Doucette
Andy Valley Cal Ripken 10 Year Old State Champions
This group of all-stars went undefeated through districts and the state tournament. They represented Maine in the Regionals in New Hampshire and went 2-2. Great run, boys!
Makes SenseSubmitted by Jimbo
“Give me a sentenceabout a public servant,”the teacher instructedher second-grade student.
“The fireman camedown the ladder preg-nant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you knowwhat pregnantmeans?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “Itmeans carrying achild.”
DecisionsSubmitted by Thomas Hill
My husband and Icouldn’t decide whichjacket to buy ourgranddaughter, so weasked the young sales-man.
“If you were buying ajacket for your girl-friend,” I said, “whatwould you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” hesaid. “I’m married.”
Cool
Sequence
Photography
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 31
The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.
My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
We buy, sell & trade86 Court St., Auburn
777-3579Jamie Pelletier, Manager
jtreidsgunshop.com 9-5 Mon-Fri • 9-1 Sat John Reid, Owner
Full Line Gunsmith ServiceJ.T. REID’S GUNSJ.T. REID’S GUNS
HUGEINVENTORY SALE!
We are overstocked on guns and ammoCALL FOR NEXT HAND GUN CLASS
Cool SequencePhotography
Rules are RulesSubmitted by Jimbo
Recently, a manstopped at my desk atthe library and askedme to help him with asituation...
A woman had breast-fed her infant and for-gotten to tuck herselfback in.
I walked over to herand said, “Ma’am, I’mvery sorry, but we don’tallow open drink con-tainers in the library.”
ThriftySubmitted by Thomas Hill
A man walks into a barbershop and asks,“How much for a hair-cut?”
“Twelve dollars,” saysthe barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says theman, settling into thebarber chair. “Shavemy head.”
This magazine is the greatest thingsince sliced bread.
Paid for and authorized by Patti Gagne for Senate,Pam Remieres-Morin, Treasurer
Texting101
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201434
The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
Jim’s Rent It
1097 Center St., Auburn
• Car Rentals• Pickup Truck Rentals• Convertibles
Lowest priced car rental in the area!
• Passenger Vans with 7,8,12,15 Seating Capacity
Car accidents, no problem!We offer insurance-paid car rentals
Call 784-5438 for details
ONE PAYS! TWO PLAY!Pay just one green fee and a friend plays free. Or, pay for two green fees and two play free.
www.springmeadowsgolf.com
Monday Night Scrambles5:00PM Shotgun Start - Every Monday
Singles or full teams are accepted
Route 100 in Gray • Just minutes from Turnpike Exit 63For tee times contact Ben Morey at 657-2586
GOLF CLUB ATCOLE FARMS
2 for 1Must present this coupon to receive
ONE FREE GREEN FEEfor each paid green fee. Cart fee mandatoryfor each player. May not be combined withother offers. Good for 18 holes, Monday thruThursday all day, Friday thru Sunday after 1p.m. excluding holidays, tournaments and twilight play.
✃Expires 8.31.14
WEEKEND 9 HOLE SPECIALPlay 9 holes with cart
for $25before 7am & after 2pm
Saturdays & Sundays in August.
Tough LoveSubmitted by Thomas Hill
One summer eveningduring a violent thun-derstorm a mother wastucking her small boyinto bed. She wasabout to turn off thelight when he askedwith a tremor in hisvoice, "Mommy, willyou sleep with metonight?" The mothersmiled and gave him areassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said."I have to sleep inDaddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by ashaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
Pound forPound
Submitted by Jimbo
When I stepped on thescale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed144 pounds.
“Why don’t you justtake off that last four?”I joked to the nurse asshe made a notationon my chart.
A few moments later,my doctor came in andflipped through thechart.
“I see you’ve lostweight,” he said.“You’re down to 14pounds.”
Retail • Wholesale • Redemption • Liquor Store5 Locations for Your Convenience!
694 Main St.
Lewiston • 782-1482
794 Sabattus St.
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545 Minot Ave.
Auburn • 783-2047
303-311 Main St.
Auburn • 783-9098
Roopersbeverage.com
TEXT to WIN this Vending Cooler!Text Roopers at 41411
to enter! AUGUST SPECIAL
Bud/Bud Light
24pk 16 oz.
$17.99
Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
Family Friendly Dentist~ Right in Your Backyard ~
Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997
Accepting New Patients!
James F. Weigand, DDSGeneral Dentistry364 Maine StreetPoland Spring • 998-4587(Located at the Poland Community Health Center at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122 Most Insurances Accepted
Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?
withSPRQ-tacular
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Back to School Live Sale & Open HouseSaturday, Sept. 6th Noon-7pm
Class Demos, Giveaways galore, Extra Special 1 day pricing
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Dog DictionarySubmitted by Thomas Hill
LEASH: A strap whichattaches to your collar,enabling you to leadyour person where youwant him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft,clean surface, such asthe white bedspread inthe guest room or thenewly upholsteredcouch in the livingroom.
DROOL: Is what youdo when your personshave food and youdon't. To do this prop-erly you must sit asclose as you can andlook sad and let thedrool fall to the floor, orbetter yet, on theirlaps.
SNIFF: A social customto use when you greetother dogs. Place yournose as close as youcan to the other dogand inhale deeply, re-peat several times, oruntil your personmakes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: Acontainer which yourneighbors put out oncea week to test your in-genuity. You muststand on your hind legsand try to push the lidoff with your nose. Ifyou do it right you arerewarded with mar-garine wrappers toshred, beef bones toconsume and moldycrusts of bread.
BICYCLES: (continued on next page)
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 37
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which was a lot cheaper.
jasminecafemaine.com
730 Center Street, AuburnAuburn Plaza • 376-4855
Japanese • Korean • Thai • Sushi
Happy HourMonday-Thursday
2-5pm1/2 price Appetizers2 for 1 Singha Beer
Try Our All Day Specials!Monday: Pad ThaiTuesday: CurryWednesday: Chicken Ka-Pow
Only $7.95
Two-wheeled exercisemachines, invented fordogs to control bodyfat. To get maximumaerobic benefit, youmust hide behind abush and dash out,bark loudly and runalongside for a fewyards; the person thenswerves and falls intothe bushes, and youprance away.
DEAFNESS: This is amalady which affectsdogs when their personwant them in and theywant to stay out.Symptoms includestaring blankly at theperson, then running inthe opposite direction,or lying down.
THUNDER: This is asignal that the world iscoming to an end. Hu-mans remain amaz-ingly calm duringthunderstorms, so it isnecessary to warnthem of the danger bytrembling uncontrol-lably, panting, rollingyour eyes wildly, andfollowing at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: Thisis a dog toy filled withpaper, envelopes, andold candy wrappers.When you get bored,turn over the basketand strew the papersall over the house untilyour person comeshome.
SOFAS: Are to dogslike napkins are to peo-ple. After eating it ispolite to run up anddown the front of the
(continued from previous page)
(continued on next page)
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201438
You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.
A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.
Sarah Jeanne’sSuit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental
Cut ‘n’ ColorOnly $50
Call for an appointment
Book Now - Filling Fast!August Only
HALFPRICE
HAIRCUTSAges 12 & under
August Only
Sun + Mon 12-6 • Tues + Wed 9-6Thurs + Fri 9-8 • Sat 8-3
77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston SarahJeannes.com
795-6778
Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning
Micayla, Sarah,Jane & Tiffanie
sofa and wipe yourwhiskers clean.
BATH: This is aprocess by which thehumans drench thefloor, walls and them-selves. You can helpby shaking vigorouslyand frequently.
LEAN: Every gooddog's response to thecommand "sit!", espe-cially if your person isdressed for an eveningout. Incredibly effectivebefore black-tie events.
BUMP: The best wayto get your human's at-tention when they aredrinking a fresh cup ofcoffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as alast resort when theRegular Bump doesn'tget the attention yourequire... especially effective when com-bined with The Sniff.
(continued from previous page)
Sorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.
Miss Mainegives posing lessons to the next potential
Miss Maine, Beau Blais
I think I’m a better poser...
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd Annual Sea Bash!
Dear PetsSubmitted by Thomas Hill
Dear Beloved Pets:The dishes with thepaw print are yoursand contain your food.The other dishes aremine and contain myfood.
Please note: Placing a paw print inthe middle of my plateof food does not stakea claim for it becomingyour food and dish, nordo I find that aestheti-cally pleasing.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 39
Uncle Andy broke wind on an elevator today. It was wrong on so many levels.
Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.
15 Pierce Street, AuburnAcross from Maine Oxy. Two driveways down from Doggz Inn.
Dear Ms. Ezell:Thank you for your let-ter of July 17. Aftercareful consideration Iregret to inform youthat I am unable to ac-cept your refusal tooffer me employmentwith your firm. Thisyear I have been par-ticularly fortunate in re-ceiving an unusuallylarge number of rejec-tion letters. With such avaried and promisingfield of corporate can-didates it is impossiblefor me to accept all re-fusals for employment.
Despite your com-pany's outstandingqualifications and pre-vious experience in re-jecting applicants, I findthat your rejection doesnot meet with myneeds at this time.Therefore, I will initiateemployment with yourfirm immediately fol-lowing graduation.
I look forward to seeingyou then.
Best of luck in rejectingfuture candidates.
Sincerely, Marc Taylor
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201440
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.
“Doing business without advertising islike winking in the dark... You know what
you’re doing but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson
Guerrilla Marketing
“Doing business without advertising islike winking in the dark... You know what
you’re doing but nobody else does!”– Jay Conrad Levinson
Guerrilla Marketing
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST207.783.7039 • UncleAndys.com
Central Maine’s
most popular
publication!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business
and next thing you know they’ll bedemanding a curtain call.
Let Uncle Andy’s Digest shed some light on your business
and next thing you know they’ll bedemanding a curtain call.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Caught red-handed doinga selfie
Jesse &Stephanie (Roop)
St. Laurent
Kali Simpson &Shelby Rucker
We were undercover and backed
up security all night.Don’t tell mom.
The neighbor asked ifhe could use our lawn-mower, "of course", Isaid, "as long as youdon't take it out of ouryard".
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 41
Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.
If some people listened to themselves more often, they would talk a lot less.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Security!!!Stalker alert!
"I can't believe it, " saidthe tourist. "I've beenhere an entire weekand it's done nothingbut rain. When do youhave summer here?"
"Well, that's hard tosay, " replied the local."Last year, it was on aWednesday."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201442Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.
I’m abandoning my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
Willow Tree Primitives
850 Main St. Lewiston • 754-8784 • Open 6 Days 10am - 5pm; Sundays 10am-4pm
willowtreeprimitiveshop.com
Lewiston’s Finest Primitive Shop
OPEN HOUSEFriday, Saturday & Sunday, September 5th - 7th
20% OFF in-stock items(excludes furniture)
Lunch for $3.99!Monday - Friday 11am - 3pm
551 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 777-1155 • Schemengees.com
Baked Haddock, Fried Haddock or Home-Made Chicken Tenders
Served with one side:Fresh Cut Fries, Homemade Grilled Potatoes lightly
seasoned with garlic & butter, Homemade Baked Beans,Slaw, Pickled Beets or Veggie of the Day.
Bar & Grille
Lunch, Dinner, Drink & Pool
ExerciseSubmitted by Thomas Hill
I feel like my body hasgotten totally out ofshape, so I got my doc-tor's permission to joina fitness club and startexercising.
I decided to take anaerobics class for sen-iors. I bent, twisted, gy-rated, jumped up anddown, and perspiredfor an hour. But, by thetime I got my leotardson, the class was over.
Job Interview
Submitted by Jimbo
The interviewer exam-ined the job applicationthen turned to theprospective employee.
"I see you have putASAP down for thedate you are availableto start, meaning assoon as possible, ofcourse. However, I seeyou've put AMAP downfor required salary. Idon't believe I've everseen that before, whatdoes it mean?"
The applicant replied,"As Much as Possible!"
Hall of fame pitcherJim Palmer won 268games in a 19 year ca-reer with the BaltimoreOrioles. He never gaveup a grand slam homerun.
Submitted by Richard Collins
How about you stop staring
and give me a push?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 43
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Don Chabot
Let’s show ‘em how it’s
done...
Just doing what theT-shirt tells me...
Some of the hard working crew behind the scenes at the Sea Bash.
9 Places We Never
Remember to put
Sunscreen:
1. Ears
2. Scalp
3. Eyelids
4. Armpit Skin
5. Under straps
6. Tops of feet
7. Back of hands
8. Back of knees
9. Lips
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201444
When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
All About U Salon41 Broad Street, Auburn
784-5407Enter to WIN our
Back to School Giveaway!
Save up to 38% onLiter Duos!
Many optionsavailable.
Linda & Ashalie
Back To School Savings!
$10 Kids Cuts orFree Cut & Style with
Any Color ServiceRedeem Today with Linda or Ashalie
Expires 8/31/14✃
Forget health food. I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get.
Lisa & Tony Olmstead and Kristena & Jessie Moody
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Tim Rucker &Laurie OuelletteTim views the world in a
whole new light.
Brooke Mathieu
Is that a point and click camera,
Uncle Andy?
The ice luge was my favorite
event at the Sea Bash.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 45
I work for a living, I don't live for working.
Some days I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
DOES YOUR BUSINESS HAVE TOP OF MIND AWARENESS?
Advertising choices are many. Marketing dollars are few.
Choose wisely!
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST:• Covers Lewiston & Auburn and 17 surrounding towns in Central Maine.
• Is distributed to nearly 1,000 locations: offices, malls, shopping centers, financial institutions, doctor & dentists offices, restaurants, convenience stores and more!
• Is also online. You can read our entire magazine in high definition and readers canhyperlink to your website right from our publication!
• Has a huge social media following. 21,000+ fans on its Facebook page. An addedbenefit to promote your business online.
• Will work with you one on one to create effective marketing campaigns.
• Has a 30 day shelf life. People pick up and hang onto our magazine all month.
• Has been part of this community since 1996. Bottom line, our formula works.
Contact us today!207-783-7039 • [email protected] • UncleAndysDigest.com
PlayingHouse
Submitted by Jimbo
A little girl and a littleboy were at daycareone day.
The girl approachedthe boy and said, "HeyBilly, want to playhouse?"
He said, "Sure! Whatdo you want me todo?"
Sally replied, "I wantyou to communicateyour feelings."
"Communicate my feel-ings?" said a bewil-dered Billy... "I have noidea what that means."
The little girl noddedand said, "Perfect. Youcan be the husband."
For the first 8 years ofhis life, Babe Ruthlived above his father'ssaloon in Baltimore.The location of thislong ago saloon hasrecently been found. Itwas located underwhat is now short cen-ter field at CamdenYards, home of theBaltimore Orioles.
Submitted by Richard Collins
Hosted by Community Credit Union
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201446Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Located in the building behind Dad’s PlaceHours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm (closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
DAD’S PLACE REDEMPTION
✃
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551
6¢on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.
(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)
UAD expires 8.31.14
Bottle Drives
Welcome!
Get more for yourreturns at Dad’s!
HOT?It sure is!
Dad’s Redemption
Texting101
John Volkernick, from the Androscoggin Bassmasters getting some assistance from future anglers, Abbie Pelletier, Xavier Duncan,Chase Hogan and Trent Sibley.
Out ’n About at the Battle of the Boats
Fishin’ is livin’!
The Breakfast Club Crew
Front row L to R: Natalie Green, Abbie Pelletier, Xavier, Bria & Brian Dun-
can. Middle row L to R: Andrew & Brianna Lunn, Laurie Pelletier,
Christina Carter & Janice Lare. Photo bomber: Betsy Sibley
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 47Love may not make the world go round, but it sure can make you dizzy.
I invented a substance that can eat through anything, but I can't find a place to store it.
Three men were allvery bad. The all diedand went to hell for thesins they had commit-ted. The devil toldthem, "if you can trickme, I'll set you free tohave another chance inthe world."
The first man hid be-hind a huge puff ofsmoke. He said, "Devil,find me!" The devilquickly found him andsent the man to hell.
The second man laidunder a wall of fire andsaid, "Devil find me!"The devil found himand did the same.
The third man askedfor a bucket. He pokeda bunch of holes in itand sat down. Then,he farted. He said,"Devil, which hole did itcome out of?"
The devil pointed toone of the holes on thebucket.
The third guy stood upand pointed to his butt,and said, "No, thisone."
Study Results
A new study has foundthat women who carrya little extra weight livelonger than the menwho mention it.
Dave Turcotte & Frank Walshenjoying the ring ceremony at Fenway Parkfor the Red Sox opening day game in April.Each player was presented their World Seriesring as 2013 World Champions.
I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.
2013 was an amazing run. Attending game 6 of the World Series to see the Red Sox clinch the series
was nothing but A W E S O M E !
The BoSoxhave a rich history and I love historic
factoids.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.
Japanese Cuisine40 East Ave., Lewiston
795-6888www.sea40me.com
20% OFF Your entréewhen you present your student or faculty ID
Sea40 Japanese Cuisine
Thursday, Sept. 18th5pm-close
JOIN US!
COLLEGE NIGHTWelcome Back Party!!
Valid on College Night Only9/18/14 5pm-close
Live Music 7:00 - 10:00pmLive Music 7:00 - 10:00pm
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!The boys of SKÖSH
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 49
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone! – Uncle Andy
I've just joined a reggae band, playing the triangle, I stand at the back and ting.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
PROTECTING YOU:Is What We Do.
commercial home auto recreational umbrella life health
232 Center St., Auburn
786-0417Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm VarneyAgency.com
Kerrie RobbinsCommercial Insurance Specialist
It’s my BIRTHDAY!!!
Out ’n About at Sea 40’s 2nd
Annual Sea Bash!
Thomas Hill
I wish it was my birthday!
Someone once toldDizzy Dean that hebragged a lot. It ain't bragging if it'strue, Dizzy replied.
Submitted by Richard Collins
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201450
Hipsters never burn their tongue, because they won't touch anything that aint cool.
I'm not a fan of currant jelly, I prefer the Old School kind.
Bruce BickfordState Representative
& Carolyn TredwellYMCA
Donna Giroux,Marcel Chasse
& Brenda Pelletier
No autographsplease!
Out ’n About at theBlue Goose
with the Chamber forBusiness After Hours
Earl & Angie St.Hilaire
Owners of Blue Goose & Luiggi’s
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 51
If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
There's a vicious new computer virus being spread through Twitter,apparently it's untweetable!
Make something idiot proof and soon enough along will come a better idiot.
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Two men, both seri-ously ill, occupied thesame hospital room.One man was allowedto sit up in his bed foran hour a day to drainthe fluids from hislungs. His bed wasnext to the room's onlywindow. The other manhad to spend all histime flat on his back.
The men talked forhours on end. Theyspoke of their wivesand families, theirhomes, their jobs, theirinvolvement in the mili-tary service, wherethey had been on va-cation. And every after-noon when the man inthe bed next to the win-dow could sit up, hewould pass the time bydescribing to his room-mate all the things hecould see outside thewindow.
The man in the otherbed would live forthose one-hour periodswhere his world wouldbe broadened and en-livened by all the activ-ity and color of theoutside world. The win-dow overlooked a parkwith a lovely lake, theman had said. Ducksand swans played onthe water while chil-dren sailed their modelboats. Lovers walkedarm in arm amid flow-ers of every color ofthe rainbow. Grand oldtrees graced the land-scape, and a fine view
(continued on next page)
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201452
I took a blood test at the hospital today, this kleptomania's getting out of hand.
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner. He's a boxer.
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(continued from previous page)
(continued on page 54)
of the city skyline couldbe seen in the dis-tance. As the man bythe window describedall this in exquisite de-tail, the man on theother side of the roomwould close his eyesand imagine the pictur-esque scene.
One warm afternoonthe man by the windowdescribed a paradepassing by. Althoughthe other man couldnot hear the band, hecould see it in hismind's eye as the gen-tleman by the windowportrayed it with beauti-fully descriptive words.
One morning, the daynurse arrived to bringwater for their bathsonly to find the lifelessbody of the man by thewindow, who had diedpeacefully in his sleep.She was saddenedand called the hospitalattendant to take thebody away.
As soon as it seemedappropriate, the manasked if he could bemoved next to the win-dow. The nurse washappy to make theswitch and after mak-ing sure he was com-fortable, she left himalone.
Slowly, painfully, hepropped himself up onone elbow to take hisfirst look at the realworld outside.
He strained to slowly
Out ’n About at theBlue Goose
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 201454
If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?
While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault, but he appeared out of nowhere!
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Is a sleeping bull a bulldozer?
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turn to look out the win-dow beside the bed. Itfaced a blank wall. Theman asked the nursewhat could have com-pelled his deceasedroommate who had de-scribed such wonderfulthings outside this win-dow.
The nurse respondedthat the man was blindand could not even seethe wall. She said, "Per-haps he just wanted toencourage you."
There is tremendoushappiness in makingothers happy, despiteour own situations.
(continued from page 52)
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Recyclingat itsbest!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
August 2014 UncleAndys.com 55
LEGO Drum Kits. If you can't beat them, join them.
I had a steak at this restaurant last night that mooed at me... I thought, that's rare.
It's nuts this craze of cow tipping. What would they do with the cash anyway?
Redlon & Johnson is a wholesale company and does not sell retail
See Bill or Pat for expert service & advice on the latest designs & models.BrantfordTM High-ArcHands-Free Single-Handle Pulldown Faucet with MotionSense / 7185EOptional deckplate included
Stay coolmy friends.
Fast ThinkerSubmitted by Thomas Hill
An elderly farmer inFlorida had a largepond down by his fruitorchard. One eveninghe decided to go downto the pond and took afive gallon bucket topick some fruit.
As he neared the pond,he heard female voicesshouting and laughingwith glee. As he camecloser he saw a bunchof young womenskinny-dipping in thepond. He made thewomen aware of hispresence and they allwent to the deep end.One of the womenshouted to him, “We'renot coming out untilyou leave!”
The old man thoughtfor a second and said,“I didn't come downhere to watch youladies swim or to makeyou get out of the pondnaked.”
Holding the bucket uphe said, “I'm here tofeed the alligator!”
My friends girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" He immediately popped the question.
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