CHAPTER ONE: RIVERS I awoke to Kid Ink's new song blaring on my radio. Great, I thought, morning. I turned my alarm clock off and started fumbling in the dark for my light switch. The light blinded me as it flashed on. I grabbed my clothes from my overflowing closet and got dressed in the bathroom. I straightened my hair and I looked in the mirror and sighed. My Hawthorne Heights t-shirt, black holy jeans and the necklace from Catt. As good as I’m going to get I guess. I turned to leave my room and stopped, turned back, and grabbed Catt’s sweatshirt that he’d left. One of the few things he left for me. I pulled it on and zipped it up. It was purple and had black stripes scattered across it. It was warm and comforting and even though it was seventy-five degrees outside I pulled the sleeves down. I wasn’t cold but I was hiding something. I had cut my wrists the night before and I didn’t feel like being questioned about it. I just had Catt on my mind and how much I missed him. My best friend moved and I haven’t seen him in almost two years. Everything I do reminds me of him. My cuts tingled at the thought of his smile. I
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Transcript
CHAPTER ONE: RIVERS
I awoke to Kid Ink's new song blaring on my radio. Great, I thought,
morning. I turned my alarm clock off and started fumbling in the dark for my light
switch. The light blinded me as it flashed on. I grabbed my clothes from my
overflowing closet and got dressed in the bathroom. I straightened my hair and I
looked in the mirror and sighed. My Hawthorne Heights t-shirt, black holy jeans
and the necklace from Catt. As good as I’m going to get I guess. I turned to leave
my room and stopped, turned back, and grabbed Catt’s sweatshirt that he’d left.
One of the few things he left for me. I pulled it on and zipped it up. It was purple
and had black stripes scattered across it. It was warm and comforting and even
though it was seventy-five degrees outside I pulled the sleeves down. I wasn’t
cold but I was hiding something. I had cut my wrists the night before and I didn’t
feel like being questioned about it. I just had Catt on my mind and how much I
missed him. My best friend moved and I haven’t seen him in almost two years.
Everything I do reminds me of him. My cuts tingled at the thought of his smile. I
put my ear buds in and put on Kid Ink. I walked out my door and towards the
bus-stop, ready to start my day of endlessly drowning in a sea of nostalgia.
CHAPTER TWO: LIFE
I grew up earlier than most.
Growing up in what was called the ghetto, was one of the best and worst
things that ever happened to me. I learnt so much, from who not to cross, and
who not to let cross you. Looked down on constantly, made me create a different
perspective of life. I remember I couldn’t even hang out or socialize with the
white kids unless being judged, eventually it turned me cold hearted. Taught me
so much, but mainly to just keep to myself unless I wanted others crossing my
path.
Really growing up in the ghetto with constant negativity around me started
to affect me. Constant pressure; pressure on Ma and I of trying to have enough
money to pay the bills each month, being drug into dealing, pressure of trying to
make it to get my bro and sis out of this place. Struggle; with trying to stay out of
the drug game just to keep my family safe but I could never decide what was
more important. Money and the risk of losing the ones I love, if I slipped up or
not being able to provide what was needed for my family? It was hard growing
up, not knowing what to do, never really had a male role model growing up,
because my dad walked out like the dead beat he was, no guidance, but the
guidance I got from my ma when she wasn’t busy with the youngins.
Overall I held on, through the struggle, pain, and the all in all worse. I've
been from hell and back, when the heat was on, I fired back. I showed none the
less, the world, myself, the haters, speculators, that nothing was going to stop
me from succeeding.
CHAPTER 3: RIVERS
If I could just hide in a dark cave somewhere, cut off from all humanity
forever, I swear that I would, I thought as I flopped down face first onto my bed.
My entire day had been awful. The highlight of it was making a 79 on an algebra
quiz. I don’t know what I’m so surprised about though.
It’s been like this since Catt left. I get dirty looks, I’m shoved into walls and
called awful rotten names. It was like this when Catt was here, but I was able to
ignore them. He’d always stand up for me and when they’d make fun of him,
he’d simply ignore them and move on smiling brightly. He wasn’t afraid of the
words that slandered me so harshly. I was always told that sticks and stones
could break my bones but words would never hurt me. It’s all a lie. For me at
least.
I’ve been verbally tortured for years and people have no idea how badly
they’ve hurt me and if they do they just don’t care. I got up and put on KidInk.
Whenever I’m listening to him I always feel somewhat better. I feel like there is
finally someone I can relate to. He had to rise up from everything I am going
through and he is still young and overcoming it. It makes me feel as if I can
overcome this. Like there is still a little bit of hope. As if I can still make something
of myself and my life. I laid there thinking and listening to the beat and words of
the song and, even though it was only about four o’clock, I drifted off into a safe
blanket of dark sleep.
CHAPTER 4: LIFE CLIMBING UP HILL
Eventually, I started doing the one thing I love the most and that would be
songwriting and rapping. I started from the bottom, building myself up. Of
course, at the time that I started I was 15 yrs old, like every other nigga out there
trying to get in the rap game, I was looked down on, just because I was just
“another one of them”. I wasn’t trying to get big for the wrong reasons, I was
trying to get big for all the right ones; to provide for my ma, brother, and sister,
get them out of the place filled with negativity.
They had many rap battles out on the streets but I knew that those were
not going to do me any justice, I still went to them and jumped in sometimes, but
I started out on open mic night at bars, coffee shops, and small places. Getting
used to the people, knowing everyone was judging everything I said and did, but
I didn’t care anymore, I knew I was doing it all for a reason.
As I started getting noticed, a man reached out to me, to “recruit” me.
Offered me studio time, then from there on my life took off. Looking back
watching my best friend get shot, hearing of my cousin getting raped, watching
my mom cry herself to sleep every night, watched my uncle die from the “girl of
the night” giving him aids, living in the trap house just to protect my family, and
seeing more the blood than an ER doctor. I could go on and on about the many
things I’ve seen and had to go through, but I’m not one to drown myself in the
past. What I’ve seen and dealt with is more than imaginable.
Thankful to have the chances I do now, to have put my mom in a house,
brother and sister in a good school. I’m just trying to make it on my own now.
CHAPTER 5: RIVERS
I woke up the next morning with an awful stomach cramp and realized I’d
slept for 18 hours. Just like my family to not wake me up to eat or anything. I
sighed and went to the kitchen. I returned five minutes later with a bowl of coco
pebbles and switched on my TV and started watching some show about a talking
dog. Just as I took the last bite of cereal, a commercial came on and Kid Ink was
staring at me from my television. “Yo what up? It’s your favorite rapper Kid Ink
and to show my appreciation for all y’all have done for me I’m giving out two free
tickets and backstage passes to my next show. And to make it even better you
and your guest get to hang out with me in our own private after party! Just go to
kidinkhangout.com to enter! The winner will be chosen this Monday. Peace out
y’all and stay yourself.”
The show came back on and I nearly fell of my bed grabbing my laptop. I
typed quickly and filled out the information boxes and clicked submit. I refreshed
the page and repeated. And repeated, and repeated, and repeated. I now realized
how my entire weekend would be spent. The contest ended at midnight on
Sunday. I made it my mission to win. But I never get what I want. Ever.