TRANSCRIPT - Amazon S3 · thing that she had felt wonderful about just hours before. I had another friend who had a beautiful family with two young boys who were healthy, active,

WITH CYNTHIA PASQUELLA

TRANSCRIPT CELIA WARD WALLACE

SELF-WORTH: HOW TO STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

INTRODUCTION

A dear friend of mine recently redecorated her house. She put love and care into each window dressing, each rug, and each new item she arranged lovingly on her shelves. She cleaned everything top to bottom. Once she was finished, she looked around her house and felt really great about herself because she felt like her environment reflected who she was. She felt like her

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house was finally as beautiful as she wanted it to be and that now she could finally call it a “home”.

Later that evening she went over to her new neighbor’s house for a welcome party. Her neighbor showed her around and talked about all the new furniture they had bought for the new place, how they had replaced all the flooring, and how happy she was with how everything came together in the end. Suddenly my friend didn’t feel so great about the love and care she had put into redecorating her own house. She started picking apart what she had accomplished because she compared her house to her neighbor’s newly renovated house. She felt like what she had done paled in comparison to what her neighbor had created and she now felt horrible about the same thing that she had felt wonderful about just hours before.

I had another friend who had a beautiful family with two young boys who were healthy, active, and rambunctious. She was really happy with her career, she was a graphic designer, and loved that her work allowed her to be at home, close to her boys. She also felt really good in her relationship with her husband. He was supportive and would take her out on a “date night” once a month to show her how special she was to him. But whenever she got around her family, her sister specifically, all of these things fell apart.

Her sister was a high-powered attorney, she had one young daughter who was always perfectly dressed and mannered, and her husband would fly the whole family to far off destinations for lavish vacations every few months. Whenever her sister would talk about her life she would begin to feel bad about her own life. She started to feel terrible about what she normally felt really great about. She compared her life to her sister’s life and just felt terrible about herself.

Does this sound familiar?

We all do this. We compare ourselves to other people and what they’ve done or what they have. We compare our children, our jobs, our relationships, our wardrobes, our bodies, and our parenting. We constantly judge ourselves by how we feel we measure up to what other people are doing. But is that the right way to go about things?

Social Media is one of the biggest perpetrators of comparisons. We look at other people’s pictures, other people’s relationships through the lens of what they show us online and we feel terrible about ourselves. We essentially develop a sense of “I’m not good enough” because of what we see happening in other people’s lives.

Ironically, what we are comparing ourselves to is a well-crafted version of that life. People don’t post pictures of their fight with their spouse, their time spent in a rage in traffic, or when they

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struggled just to button up their jeans. No way! They post pictures of all of the highlights of their lives. You know, the good parts. Comparing yourself to someone on social media is like an athlete comparing his entire career to someone else’s highlight reel. It’s just not a fair comparison! But comparisons in general aren’t doing us any favors. Our self-worth is not determined by how we measure up to what other people are doing or what they have. When we stop judging ourselves based on what other people are doing, having, and being, we free ourselves to feel better about what we’re doing, having, or being. The only measure of your worth as a person is whether you’re living the life you’re meant to live. Following your purpose, your passion, and your dreams. When we make ourselves feel that we “should” do this or that or that we have to keep up with Sally and Betsy down the street we’re essentially saying that we don’t matter unless we’re better than other people. Doris Mortman said, “Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.” So, what if there was a better way? They say that true confidence and self-worth is when you don’t walk into a room and think you’re better than everyone else. It’s when you walk into a room and don’t feel the need to compare yourself to everyone else. This is how we know we have a solid sense of self-worth. When the idea of comparing ourselves to others doesn’t even occur to us because we allow space for everyone to be successful and special in their own way. And you know what the worst part of comparison is? It makes all of us the same. When in fact, you are unique. You are special. There’s no one else quite like you. So stop trying to be like everyone else and stop measuring yourself using the standards of others. Today’s guest, Celia Ward Wallace, is all about empowering women to stop competing with one another and start supporting each other in the journey to becoming the very best that we can be. And the best we can be is a standard WE set, not something that someone else sets up in front of us.





INTERVIEW

Cynthia:

Celia, why is self-worth so important?

Celia:

To me, it's really the basis of everything. We all search for things outside of ourselves to make us happy, and to give us some relevance in the world, and to give us something to reflect ourselves off of, to measure where we are in the world. Most of us realize you can have a beautiful set like this, a beautiful dress and still go to bed at night and feel uncomfortable or sad or doubtful.

When you get back to the fact that you have all of it within yourself, that you can build the tools to heal the wounds and go back and program yourself with all the good stuff, then you can get yourself where you're showing up the way that you're created to show up: whole, fully yourself, dynamic, full of light, living on purpose. Then everything else is just secondary. It's more of the result of creating that alignment.

Most of us struggle to realize how much we don't worthy ourselves or I mean, how much we don't feel worthy and we look for all these external things, instead of realizing that it's an inside job which is the hardest part, that's why we avoid it.

Cynthia:

It is the hardest part. You said something really interesting. You said, “Go back.” Go back and relearn this because we came in, I feel having this knowledge.

Celia:

Totally.

Cynthia:

We're these little babies, if we want something, we'll just cry until someone gives it to us which is, I don't know we don't still do that, by the way.





Celia:

I know, right?

Cynthia:

Seems like such a logical thing. At what point, and how do we lose that?

Celia:

For most of us who come in, we come in whole, we come in happy, we come in full of possibility, we come with imagination and creativity. That's why they say, "Oh, I want to be president," or "I want to be a pilot," or whatever, and we really truly believe that. It's not until we start getting the programming and the limiting beliefs.

We're not trained or really taught to allow that version of ourselves to continue to grow. It makes people feel uncomfortable. It's not always convenient for you to just be a free spirit. People want to contain you and soften your edges. Through that, a lot of times we get channeled into, "Oh, I'm the middle child and middle children have this story," or "I'm the child of an abusive parent, so I've grown up having to take care of my parent, and so that's my story and now I own it, and now my whole life is going to be through the lens of that story."

Instead of realizing, "You know what? That's all crap that's been put on us." We can choose to take it all off and say, I'm not subscribing to that. I don't quite know who I am or why I'm worthy yet but I believe I am and I'm going to figure it out and then get back to that version of myself." I think that's what I did, and I know that it's possible.

Cynthia:

When we don't know who we truly are at our soul level, then we can't find our worth. We are just so blind and oblivious to all of that. Do you think that's where so much of the struggle comes from?

Celia:

In our souls, we're like, "Wait a minute. I'm a part of this. I'm made up of all of the same materials. I was born into this world. I'm supposed to have some big purpose and cool thing I'm supposed to





do with my life, but here I am, 35, 40, 50 years old waking up and going, 'Wait a minute. This isn't what I signed up for.

Then we turn it around on ourselves of, "It must be because I'm not good enough. It must be because I'm not talented enough. It must be because I don't have enough education or I'm not pretty enough or I don't fit the right size," or all of these stories that we've now bought into that have been told to us over the years that we use as crutches.

That's where the choice comes in of like, "Are you going to be just a passenger in this life or are you going to realize that you were created with greatness. You were created with the worthiness and the power. You just need to realign yourself with that vision or even claim that vision because a lot of people don't understand that that's even a vision. Then say, "Okay, let's do this. What do I got to do? How can I co-collaborate in this journey so I can get my life on that purposeful track?

It is coming from making a shift and making a conscious choice and, "I want my life to be different, and I realize that I am the number one self-saboteur of my life." If you take responsibility for your life, and you don't like the way that it is, if you don't like the partner that you have or lack of partner, you don't like your job or lack of job, and you don't like where you live or whatever, there is an opportunity to make changes and you have to take responsibility for how you’ve shown up in that space.

For me, in terms of behavioral modification or people just making that shift, you have to almost hit rock bottom... We've all heard it a million times, you almost have to hit rock bottom for you to have some sort of epiphany to go like, "Okay. Enough already. I'm tired of my life like this. I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm ready to do some of the work," which the work sounds like, "Oh, the work…"

Cynthia:

"I'm not worthy. I don't deserve. I'm not very good at this. This doesn't look good on me. I'm overweight," whatever the case might be. That's easy. It just comes so natural to us as opposed to saying, "I am worthy. I am this amazing being. I am smart, I am ..." whatever the case might be. It's looking at how can we take the same energy and the same ease, if you will, that we have with these negative things that we tell ourselves all the time and shift those into this very positive self-belief? Is that just going back and looking at the things that happened that caused these traumas? Is it examining those, letting go, moving forward? What is that process like to shift the negative over?

Celia:





The concept of, we think that we're rolling with our conscious mind which is a side of that says, "You know, I just want a happy life. I just want a great partner and I'm going to just do X, Y and Z and it's going to happen." We don't understand that 95% of what's going on underneath the surface is our subconscious mind at work that has all those programs, has all of that limiting belief, whether it was from our parents or our neighbors or whoever it was reinforcing to us, "Oh, you think you want to go this way? Well, remember, you live over here and you have 25 years of living over here. So what makes you think we're going to go in that direction right now?"

If you begin with the negativity, it's going to follow all the way along until your result is a negative outcome, which is just reinforcing what you don't want to happen versus saying, "Okay. I have a negative starting point. I better get all the way back to the beginning where nobody even knows I'm having these crazy thoughts, and check myself and replace them," and then guess what? As a result, I mean, shifting to a positive, then, we have a positive connection.

Cynthia:

Speaking of being aware and awake and seeing and knowing these things, we do a lot of comparing and competing. I mean, when it comes to self-worth, and it's funny, it's like the example you just gave. We're good and we feel worthy until we see someone ...

Celia:

Someone else.

Cynthia:

... who is prettier or more successful or has better shoes or is skinnier or ...

Celia:

Anything.

Cynthia:

... whatever, right? They're kids are better behave than yours are.

Celia:





Totally.

Cynthia:

All of a sudden, you are the worst mother ever, even though 10 minutes ago, you felt like you were doing all right. That thing, can we just talk about that and how to stop that? Do you have secret weapon or something you can give us?

Celia:

Yeah, actually, I do. Actually, I do. As a female entrepreneur as you know, you're constantly building your business and you're wanting to learn more and you're going to keep up with trends, and you're going to keep up with other people in your industry. It's inevitable that you're going to run into people that are going to, as I call it, trigger you, where you're feeling really great, you stumble upon somebody's website and you're like, "Oh, my God! Who do I think I am to even be hanging my hat, doing what I'm doing when this person is clearly already slam dunked it, monopolizing the whole lane," or whatever, or like you said, a mom that you just go for a play date and she has all the snacks, and she has all the right language with the kids, and everything, and you're like, "I thought I was pretty good but I need to up my mom game."

Again, I go back to the thought, and I remind myself, "You don't believe that." That's a thought about scarcity and limitation and competition, which is not what I believe in. I believe in abundance, I believe in we are all great, that everybody is equal. I, first of all, correct the thought which is, "No, you are not less than because she's great. She can be great. It doesn't mean ... You don't have to put yourself up against that as a measurement." That's the first thing.

Second of all is there's something in her or him that I admire. That's a trigger for me and something that I want more of. Whether it's a business that I want like that, like I was telling you, I like some of your service in line with mine, let's talk more about it. That's synergy. That's passion. That's inspiration and creativity. That's great.

The big thing is reminding yourself that you don't subscribe to that belief because that's the propaganda that we've all been taught of our whole lives is about competition, the survival of the fittest, cream rises to the top, there's not enough for everybody, only the best is limited to the top few, all this kind of stuff where we start going like, "I got to be the best, I got to be the best, I got to be the best. There's only room for one person to be the best and be happy," instead of what would happen if we all showed up fully ourselves, fully our best selves? I really believe that was





the plan. We're supposed to all be like, "Hey, I'm amazing. You're amazing." Look at what would happen to our world if we were able to do that?

Cynthia:

It just negates the whole reason for having to compare or compete, right? I think to your point about what you were saying about being positive and just catching yourself when you're having those thoughts, and reevaluating. I think if we could do that and make that a habit, stop it. I mean ...

Celia: It's huge. It's huge because we're always wanting to take risks and grow. As we start to get on this journey, we're like, "Okay. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to push myself up." The second you do, you start having that old reaction of like, "This is uncomfortable. This is not safe." All of that comes up for us and if we can't work on really learning to love ourselves and accept ourselves the way that we were created to be, uniquely, then that's going to continue to be a trigger point, left and right because the more that you throw yourself out in the world, the more you see.

Cynthia:

I think that's important. The other thing I think is important going back to what you said earlier is having a partner along for the ride because sometimes it is difficult for us to stop in the moment and understand or just be aware of our feelings and say, "This is not what I want to do. This is not how I want to feel. I'm unique. I'm special and so are you, and we can have that and we can be buddies."

Celia:

The important point that you're making is just, in general, finding your circle of community, whether that's one person or broader, is so important when you're going through this process because if you're trying to shift your language, if you're trying to shift your perspective on the world and you're surrounding yourself with either your old influencers that weren't aligned or just other people that are negative or like I call toxic friends, toxic relationships.

Some of them you can't really totally release because they're your family or your friends from childhood or whatever, but you can minimize your interaction and you can start to buffer yourself by surrounding yourself with other people who have similar goals, have aligned vision, and you can share with them, "This is what I'm focusing on."





I train a lot of people to become life coaches and when I do, a lot of what we work on is this exact stuff. We talk about language. I'll tell them during the course, I'll say, "Look, I'm coming from a place of love but I'm going to start correcting your words that are coming out of your mouth because as you keep saying, I'm going to try to do this or it would be nice if this would happen or I always get anxious or whatever it is." It's like all of these sentences, we don't realize how powerful our words are.

If we have a friend or a partner who understands our goals, understands the same perspective that can hold us accountable, and be that reflection back to us, that's so key, and I just have to give a plug for my husband, who I have a beautiful partner. My husband and I have been together for 18 years. He is like, of course, as all married couples or romantic couples, we have our stuff but we're crazy about each other. He thinks I hung the moon but he also checks me, as I like to call it.

He'll be like, he won't let my ego get all crazy. He also won't let me totally start spiraling, and he'll bring me back to center of like, "Remember who you are in the world. Remember your purpose. Remember your greatness. It's not about this achievement; it's also not about this failure; it's not about what one person said that you liked or didn't like; it's the bigger picture." I think that's huge.

Cynthia:

Yeah, So Celia, the name of the show is, What You're Really Hungry For, so I’m curious, what are you really hungry for?

Celia:

Everything that we're talking about to me is a core of it all. I'm hungry for really elevating myself as a self, as a soul, as a person, so that I can continue to expand and evolve and reach what ultimately I feel would be the purpose for this lifetime which I don't know. I'm just taking the next best step forward at trying to be my best self, and trying to empower and bring people along on the journey with me, and just continue to elevate and show up and see what the lessons and stories are that I'm supposed to receiving in that moment, and just really coming fully myself and being as alive as possible so that I can enjoy this ... I mean, the fact that I've gotten this far is just unbelievable. I'm just so excited to see what continues to come.

Cynthia:





So am I because you're an amazing leader in this field, and you're just such an amazing, beautiful voice to have on the show. Thank you so much for being here.

Celia:

It's been such an honor. Thank you. THIS WEEK’S MENYOU This week is all about embracing your uniqueness and discovering your self-worth. We discussed how you can stop comparing yourself to others and start embracing your one-of-a-kind self. So I invite you to choose one of Celia’s tips that she discussed during our show and start implementing it in your life TODAY. What ONE step can you take today to stop comparing yourself to others? To see exactly just how special and worthy you are? To step into the spotlight of your life? As always, the conversation continues at cynthiapasquella.com. Head on over and leave a comment below this video telling me the one thing YOU will do to stop comparing yourself to others, today. And, while you’re there, make sure you download today’s free MenYOU to track your progress! You will find inspirational quotes from today’s show and a daily checklist to keep on track. It’s located right below this video at cynthiapasquella.com. Did you like this video? If you did, please subscribe and I would be so grateful if you would share this video with your friends. And if you want to hear more from me – including stuff I only talk about in email, then come on over to cynthiapasquella.com and sign up for my email newsletter so YOU can be a part of this beautiful community of women who are discovering what they’re really hungry for.



TRANSCRIPT - Amazon S3 · thing that she had felt wonderful about just hours before. I had another friend who had a beautiful family with two young boys who were healthy, active,

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