This One’s ForYou, PLull!

St. Paul, MinnesotaFebruary 17, 2010 Volume 5, Issue 2

NONCORDThis One’s For You, PLull!

DEAN UPDATE: Dean Lull Replaced by Dean Grier

Obama may have him beat in sex appeal, but ol’ Mr. President’s algorithm is nothing compared to

Dean Dean’s. Yes You Did, Big DD!

Seminary Scandal: Dwight Zscheile doesn’t even NEED glasses! Full Story pg. 6.

Also Inside!Luther Seminary’s Chapel of the Incarnation becomes newest internship site for 2010-2011 - pg. 10Sign up for interviews with Paul Westermeyer in the Choir Room!

It has been a season of surprises for the Luther Seminary community, but perhaps nothing is more shocking than the recent announcement from President Rick Bliese that senior Master of Divinity student Dean Grier has been tapped to replace Patricia Lull as Dean of Students.

The decision came on the heels of the administration’s call for candidates for the position. In a move that is both controversial and a bit avant-garde, Bliese and the seminary board suspended the search-and-screen process when Grier applied and they realized that Luther Seminary could have as its new Dean of Students a student named Dean.

“The board and I love puns,” Bliese explained. “And what started as a joke just sort of snowballed into something more serious. When he came in for his interview, he impressed—big time.”

In addition to being recently approved for ordained ministry in the ELCA, Grier, a 40-year-old father of two originally from Hawley, Minn., has experience in commercial fishing, asbestos removal, teaching graduate chemistry, and helping to launch a nanotechnology center. The relevance of that experience quickly presented itself in Grier’s interview, Bliese said.

M.Div. senior Dean Grier astounds the Luther Seminary Board with an algorithm that will now define his enrollment strategy as incoming Dean of Students.

Continued pg. 2

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Tiny Japan Rejoice: Modern Dance InstructorAaaaa! Seurkyl: One Hit Wonder Major Unpleasant Eh?: Strolling MinstrelCarnal T. Juicy-Number: Bliese Memorial Circle-TalkerJauntily Clean Miracle: Assistant Director to the AssistantsWest Hamata: Wooden Desk StainerNice Junk List: Connoisseur of DelightDrab When Tender: Lion TamerMean Shank Rap John: DJ ExtraordinaireChunk A. Dishonorables: Octogenarian EnthusiastStripe Retch: Goat KillerGranny Adores: Personal Trainer

News IN BrIef(s)

•Faculty tricked into attending chapel with creation of falsified “all-faculty-all-the-time” preaching schedule.

•Paulson found molding Luther’s desk mask to his own face.

•Don Lewis declares “Mission Accomplished.” Community asks, “Who is Don Lewis?”

•Administration vows less circle talk at next round of community forums despite Trinitarian model of interpenetrating perichoretic love.

•Student council fails on its promise to get a pop machine in the cafeteria.

•Zscheile takes casual Fridays to the extreme – parts hair on right side.

•Vagina monologues to be presented by male faculty – Eve Ensler denies authorship.

•Announcement of new campus pastor eclipsed by revelation that John Mann was replaced by shape-shifting Smoke Monster in 2009.

SENIOR “UTTERLY SHOCKED” BY REGION 3 ASSIGNMENTMid-February is a time fraught with excitement and

trepidation for seniors who await the national church regional assignments for their first call. While the majority of these seniors end up in Midwestern regions, such as 3 and 5, that has not kept senior Bjørn Bjørnson from feeling discouraged by his assignment. Mr. Bjørnson, who hoped to end up on either of the coasts, explained the pain of ending up in Region 3 in the following way:

“I knew that, statistically speaking, this was a possibility, but I thought I would beat the odds, you know? I don’t know what I could have done differently. I thought my paperwork was pretty clear. I listed Peter Rollins as my favorite theologian, said that I only lead post-modern worship and casually mentioned my numerous tattoos and liberal political leanings. Maybe I overdid it. I did use the word ‘context’ roughly 143 times in the Rostered Leader Profile (RLP). I guess I thought I was being subtle.”

Mr. Bjørnson is not totally despairing, though. “I don’t know, maybe this can be like, ironic or something, like taking a prom date to Arby’s. Plus, old people can be kind of cool, especially when they swear.”

“He worked out this algorithm that offered a precise—and I would say elegant—solution to our enrollment woes. It was like watching Will Hunting and that professor guy work on math together,” said Bliese, noting that there are other benefits to Grier’s selection.

“We will be able to pay him a work-study wage until he graduates, so that obviously helps our financial situation,” Bliese said. “Finally, we felt like students would connect with him; his knowledge of heavy metal music is extensive. A Dean of Students who loves Tesla—does it get more missional than that?”

No, no it does not.

Bjørn Bjørnson’s life will never be the same.

Flaky

DeaN DeaN as New DeaNContinued from pg. 1

NONCORD • 3

Former M.Div. student Frank Forde’s remains were discovered during J-Term. The cause of death was starvation after falling through the cracks of Northwestern. Forde would have graduated in 1994 and will be given an honorary degree at the 2010 May commencement, as well as receive a post-mortem ordination. A Service of Remembrance for this former student will be held in the Northwestern Chapel. The family asks for memorials to be sent to Luther Seminary, which will commission a life-size painting of Frank Forde. The painting will be hung between Rogness and Tiede.

Frank Forde1967-1992

Bold move announced with newly revised strategic plan.

Earlier this week, President Bliese announced the specifics of a revised strategic plan formally adopted by the board of directors at their February 5th meeting. Effective fall 2010, Luther will be purging the campus of excess, specifically the student body. The elimination of students from the campus is expected to free up considerable faculty and staff for “mission-directed” activities.

“This was a purely mission-strategic decision,” claimed Chair of Finance & Administration Bob Torkelson, in his announcement. “Any additional cost-savings will be an unexpected yet welcome missional outcome.”

For several years, the board has conducted its meetings at times when no classes are in session and students are rarely found on campus. “We saw first-hand how well things run around here without the students present,” said Paul Dovre, board chair, “and as a former educator, I can easily see that this was a mission-logical move for the organization to make.” Dovre is the former president of Concordia College in Moorhead, Minn., a Lutheran college that still operates under an antiquated, student-based model.

Also under consideration at this time is a redesign of the recently unveiled seminary slogan. In light of the announced student downsizing, the board is considering the adoption of “Luther Seminary: Removed By The Promise” as more fitting catchphrase. At their meeting, the board of directors committed to a feasibility study to determine the mission-mindedness of the proposed slogan, the cost of which is not expected to exceed $130,000.

On a related note Team Captain, Mark Throntveit was seen congratulating other members of the faculty softball team on their sure (and long overdue) victory in the spring 2011 Faculty/Student Softball game.

MISSIONAL INITIATIVE ELIMINATES STUDENTS

Prosperity Theology

Dear Friends: A prosperous new year and decade to you!

Since I first advertised the new Prosperity Theology section in the book store, I have been overwhelmed by your response. I know this is Luther Seminary but I was unaware of the underground aspect of Prosperity Theology here on campus. Don’t worry – I won’t reveal your book suggestions or your identity to professors, the administration, or your candidacy committees. Thank you for helping this section of the book store grow in prosperity. It is slowing edging out the “faculty book” section and has completely edged out the worship resource section (all worship-material-related sales are now by reservation only). There has been a considerable increase in book sales since the creation of the prosperity theology section. In order to compete with other big players in the Twin Cities (TCF Bank Stadium, Mall of America Field and Target Field), we’ve decided corporate sponsorship is the way to appropriately represent the new direction of the book store. What will be the new name of this ever-growing section of the bookstore? Now there is just one more reason to attend the annual spring variety show and silent auction! Bid on the sponsorship of the prosperity section; rights will go to the highest bidder. Please, no submissions outside of the silent auction - we don’t want the mailroom or the IT folks to see who is bidding as they may “accidentally lose” your bid in cyberspace or in the deep recesses of the mailroom. Again, thanks for making this new section of the store grow and prosper as is my wish for you in 2010. Bid on the sponsorship for the prosperity section or any other section.

Gary AndersonProsperity Theology Section Manager

Expensive

Obituary

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Bloated

After tens of complaints and comment cards, Luther officials have finally revealed the reason behind the tropical atmosphere of the library.

“It’s the systematics department,” said the head of Luther’s grounds crew. “And, well, you know, their sense of self-worth.”

Finding non-destructive ways to cut the budget, Luther has installed new technology that transforms haughtiness to hotness. SolarMePanels, disks that harness a person’s excess self-love and convert it to usable energy, have been fitted into each faculty member’s office. Though systematic attitudes may cozify the study center, most are finding the relentless heat unbearable.

“It feels like when one professor has an off-day, the rest of them kick it into high gear,” Peter Watters remarked while stripping off his final layer as beads of sweat formed on his brow and upper lip.

“You know when there’s a department meeting or one of them is preaching in chapel,” Electronic Services Librarian Jennifer Bartholomew said. “It gets just stifling in here.”

When asked to comment, the department sent a letter, autographed by all faculty with good wishes, noting, “To reach such a state where one’s amazingness benefits all those whose amazingness has yet to reach its full potential is both our gift and our offering.”

LIBrary Heat fINaLLy expLaINeD

M.Div. middler Anthony Olson sweats over exams, papers, presentations, the table, and books from the archives.

How We’re Dealing With the Depressing Economy

NONCORD UN-UNPLUGGED!NOW ONLINE

http://www2.luthersem.edu/noncord/

NONCORD • 5

Submissional

MOVE OVER BUFFY; NEW VAMPIRE IN TOWNThis semester, the first vampire in the

history of Luther Seminary was admitted to the Master of Divinity program. Vladimir Ittu, an “out” vampire, said he is really “moved by the promise” of what the blood of Christ and the blood of the Lamb symbolize. Hymns such as “Deep Were His Wounds” (LBW #100) and “At the Lamb’s High Feast We Sing” (LBW #210) have spoken to his soul and helped awaken his call to ministry. “I love the image of our Jesus the Christ hanging from that cross, his thick red blood dripping from his body, all for me. That he would save us by letting his blood drain slowly from his flesh is beyond my imagining. I’m intrigued by this thing called transubstantiation. Jesus’ body and blood becoming the bread and the wine ... it’s just ... symbolically delicious!”

Ron Olson, Director of Admissions, commented, “I won’t lie. There was some concern when Vladimir began the process. However, upon meeting with him, we could tell he was extremely passionate about the saving sacrifice of our Lord’s blood. He will make an excellent pastor someday.”

Ittu had some concerns, as well. While looking forward to his studies at Luther, he felt anxious about what his peers would think of him. Though he is a “vegetarian,” he wondered whether he’d be accepted as a traditional student would. Ittu shared that some students have kept their distance, but for the most part, he has felt welcomed at seminary.

Fellow M.Div. junior Franchesca Vanderhus also spoke highly of Ittu. “When I first met Vladdy, I was a bit uncomfortable. He’s so dark and mysterious, you know? I mean, he IS a vampire, after all. But as I’ve gotten to know him through classes and community activities, I’ve learned what a sweetheart he is. I feel drawn to him, like we are called to be friends or something. I even let him bite me once at a party. Really, he is such a great guy!”

Although the burning sunshine on his skin has provided some challenges, Ittu has overcome the obstacles, enrolling mostly in night and online courses. He is excited to sink his teeth into this semester’s coursework, especially “Blood of the Lamb, Blood of Our Lives” with Professor Gracia Grindal.

Ittu has aspirations of paving the way for others like himself. “I want to become the first Lutheran Vampire pastor so that all may be bathed in the saving blood of Christ. I want to set other vampires free to experience the joy of life with Christ, whose viscous blood was shed that we might truly live.” Vladimir Ittu, the mission field is waiting.

Vladimir Ittu assisted in chapel last week with Karoline Lewis. Some remain skeptical about his vest.

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LutHer ‘CeNters’ BLossomINgClasses Move to old Muskego

Center for Biblical Preaching Director and noted Laura Ingalls Wilder enthusiast David Lose passionately and tearfully endorsed Luther Seminary’s decision to move all classes to the retro-cool, one-room schoolhouse model facilitated at Old Muskego Church. Erica Kennedy commented, “The move makes sense given Luther’s growing capacity to host not only a plethora of Centers but, more

importantly, conferences, colloquies, disputations, lectures, and consultations.” Added an M.Div student, “I’m not sure what a curriculum vitae is but I think this will engorge mine.”

19th-Century Education Expert Mary Hess and Vice President of Administration and Other Things Don Lewis appreciate the cost cutting nature of the move, noting that divergent temperature needs

will be met by the single coal stove located on the east side of the building. “Plus,” said Lewis, “good academic performance will be reinforced by the privilege of going on coal-acquisition errands.”

Endorsement is not universal, however. Members of Luther’s Center for the Use of Multimedia and Mediums in Ministry

(CMMM), among them

Andrew Root, Craig Koester and Lois Farag, oppose the move, stating publicly that it is “a blatant attempt to privilege other Centers over our Center.” “They are forgetting the center!” shouted an irate Koester, who then passionately whispered through watery eyes, “Surely God loves each Center equally.”

The move will go forward despite opposition, as numerous renovations have begun in earnest, clearing space for the Center for Missional Leadership; the Center for Writing and Research; the Center for Lifelong Learning; the Center for Children, Youth and Family; the Center for SinnerSaints; the Center for Centrally Centered Global Missional Positioning and Geocaching; the Center for Global Missions; the Center for Centering Prayer and Geodesic Domes; the Center for Reformation History and Codpieces.

Olson Campus Center-based Center for What the &^%$#!? issued a brief but forceful campus-wide text rebuttal, “XYZPDQ?”

We all expected there was drama brewing under the surface of Luther Seminary’s favorite musical group, Hi-5! (so sorry, Schola Cantorum). This was clear when Matty S. failed to show for the October photo signing and bishop parade. Though Matty S. was the band’s lead tenor, it’s obvious he’s not really the impetus for their cohesive sound appeal. Dirk Lange, a.k.a The Foxy Monk, is both the spiritual and team-centering leader of the group, according to a source close to the band. Matty S., on the other hand, is the group’s flashpoint. “Conflict, Power and Identity- All Mine!,” the title of his recently released book, may suggest the source of tension within the group. Matty S.’s preoccupation with speaking engagements, his countless noon forums (OCC Rm. 3!), his sabbatical in “advanced research” and his contributions to WorkingPreacher have kept him too busy to give this musical treat the energy it deserves.

The four other members convened secretly over the Christmas holiday while Skinner was off marketing his academic “career.” A source in the faculty secretary’s office told the Noncord that the group decided to do a limited search within the seminary for a new lead tenor. Just last week, The Hult Hultgren, The Wedge Scharen, Heavy B

One T Barreto, and The Foxy Monk held a press conference announcing the addition of Dwight Zscheile, Wiley Shylee, to replace the flaky, speaking-engagement-obsessed Matty S.

We at the Noncord are relieved to see Hi-5! move forward with that CML hottie! Bye bye bye Matty S. We’ll hang onto our old Hi-5! T-shirts, though – they’re vintage!

HI-5! the InsIde sCoop

The new Teaching Center of Luther Seminary.

Betrothed/Life-Partnered

Hi-5! has added tenor Dwight Zscheile to its all-star line-up.

NONCORD • 7

We Are Here NoW trILogy fINaLLy reLeaseD

For fans of missional literature far and near, the wait is finally over. Amidst flurries of rumors, delayed release dates and sabbaticals, Patrick Keifert’s ambitious We Are Here Now trilogy will be completed with the release of two new books. Keifert, whose literary stylings have inspired an army of loyal followers, has penned both a prequel entitled We Were There At Some Point and a concluding volume We Will Be There Then, to complete this ambitious project.

Junior Zachary Nelson could not be more excited. “Buzzwords, man. I am in it for the buzzwords. Whenever I drop some missional lingo, my friends have no idea what the flip I am talking about. I like that feeling, and I need more of it. That is why I have my man, Patrick. He makes me feel like I am part of his club.”

Though Guns N’ Roses fans will tell you that the 13 years they waited for Chinese Democracy was the most excruciating period of anticipation in modern pop culture memory, fans of Patrick Keifert’s We Are Here Now

have endured an equally trying time. Well, chin up, missional leaders. Your time of deliverance has come.

Stagnant

Where once hung hammers, circular saws and paint brushes now the accoutrement of the intellectual elite graces the walls and aisles of 2272 Como Ave., St. Paul. The storefront directly north of the local USPS branch had been closed for two years until local entrepreneur Jo Andreason saw an opportunity for success in the growing market of what she calls “namby pamby frocks, skirts and bonnets for the intellectually insecure American underground who are desperate to stand nonchalantly in long lines looking solemn.”

Located mere blocks from both Luther Seminary and the University of Minnesota’s St. Paul campus, Heavy Flow of Fabrics offers biannual finery for the academic who needs to spice up that post-baccalaureate brie and merlot affair with something splashier than “that same old freakin’ Oxford-pleated bull-poo.”

Dr. Matthew Skinner, Luther Seminary’s Donald Juel Memorial Beautifully Coiffed Hair professor of New Testament, could not be happier. “Sometimes I just wander the aisles, fingering the latest styles. Colors from Cologne, Tubingen and Dundee ... wow!” Considered by many to be a dated attempt at self-importance, the store and its clientele are ably defended by Dr. Paul Chung, “I

deftly maneuvered through ten years of post-graduate education with the likes of Jurgen Moltmann. I’ll be darned if I don’t look fine while I stand in line like a good little boy on that high feast day that is the giant Lutheran Mt. Sinai of Commencement.”

Heavy fLow moves INto NeIgHBorHooD

No Sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? No problem!

Visit www.luthersem.edu/desperate4luv/BiblicallyBasedCompatabilityTest/Find your someone special at the well - quick before it’s too late!!!!

Faculty rejoice decked in Heavy Flow of Fabrics.

8 • NONCORD

NoNcord asksWhat are you giving up for Lent?

“Being a student.”

- Dean GrierDean

“My plans to write Crazy Balk: A Not-So-Stuffy History of Baseball’s Silliest Rule.”

- Rolf JacobsonOT Professor

“Trips to Middle-earth. I’m obviously needed here.”

- Terence FretheimBack in Action OT professor

“God, evil and suffering.”

- Alan PadgettSystematics Professor

“A Successful Church.”

- Rev. Paul HarringtonThe New Mann

“Being.”-David Fredrickson

NT Professor

“Playing Farmville on Facebook.”

- Alvin LuedkeProfessor of Rural MInistry

“Hope.”

- Walter SundbergProfessor of History

“Trying to break my own Spoken Words per Minute record.”

- Lois MalcolmSystematics Professor

“The internship assignment process. I’ll just going back to throwing darts at pictures of middlers.”

- Rick FossCLI Dude

“2 faculty, 3 staff, 2 degree programs, the espresso machine in the Bible Division lounge, all the classes that start with the number 4, and tanning sessions for the admissions staff.”

-Richard BlieseOur President

“Smoking seductively and my sultry accent.”

-Guillermo HansenSystematics Professor