The spirit of Marriage

THE SPIRIT OF MARRIAGE

kindness- gentleness

Patience (note from last week)

Makrothumia. This is the choice to refrain from avenging oneself, at least immediately; it can include either a delay or erasure of wrath. We might call this "the patience motivated by love.“

this is the patience Paul speaks of…

Heart (Character)

Reasons Mr. Rogers Was the Best Neighbor Ever

Even Koko Liked Him

Thieves Thot Twice Genuinely Curious Most Tolerant Made People Sing The Sweaters Wrote Music Hated TV

What does it say that we often describe someone as a “really nice guy”?

Kindness - Gentleness

Kindness - Gentleness

Kindness Test

HEART (CHARACTER)… IS DEFINED BY BEHAVIORS…

POINT 1

What About You?

What is the “Heart”? Seat of the inner self (life, soul, mind,

spirit)  Similar in meaning to soul, but with a focus

on thinking & understanding (Mk 2:8; Lk 1:51; 24:38)

Seat of feeling, impulse, affection, desire (Mt. 6:21; 22:37; Phil. 1:7)

Seat of intellect (Mt. 13:15; Rom. 1:21)  The inner and mental frame (Mt. 5:8; Lk.

16:15; 1 Pet. 3:4)  The conscience (1 Jn. 3:20, 21) The inner part, middle, center (Mt. 12:40)

II. A Matter of the Heart

If we as Christians cannot live out our faith in our marriages, then our faith is a show at best. And yet, how can one tell if they have made their faith in God a vital part of their marriage? It will be evident, without question, because a transformed heart is unmistakable.

“What is my heart towards my spouse?”

What is the State of Your Heart?II. A Matter of the Heart

A heart is one that has been utterly changed by the love, grace, mercy, and the Spirit of God (Ephesians 2:1-10). It is one that has wholly acknowledged Christ as Lord It is one that recognizes that the old-destructive ways of the

past are cast aside (2 Corinthians 5:15-17) A heart that is set on treating and loving one’s

spouse with the same love, kindness, and mercy that as God It is faithful, unselfish, willing to sacrifice and put aside oneself

in order to listen, understand, empathize, love, and cherish one’s spouse (Ephesians 5:2)

A heart is set on living by the Fruit of the Spirit- fundamental to change and revitalization in your marriage

A Transformed Heart is…II. A Matter of the Heart

POINT 2

A Transformed Heart Mends Marriages

What is kindness really? Kindness defined as “A compassionate act; an act that shows consideration and caring.” This is an inadequate picture of NT description though…

III. Kindness - Gentleness

What Do You Think Of?

Gentleness in Galatians Means…

Gentleness (praiotes) is similar to meekness… though more attitude than action

III. KINDNESS - GENTLENESS

Gentleness in Galatians Means…

Meekness is not weakness

III. KINDNESS - GENTLENESS

Power Under Control Gentleness in Galatians

“Meekness” can only exist where great strength is under strict control! 

III. Kindness - Gentleness

Power Under Control … applies even force in the correct way

Gentleness in Galatians

III. Kindness - Gentleness

Kindness in Galatians Means…

• Kindness (chrestotes)- sometimes translated “Gentleness”• 10x in the NT• 9 of 10 related to word for

“loving kindness” – includes the idea of mercy, grace, devotion, good, gentle

• Best translated as “Goodness expressed in deeds” – but descriptive of ones disposition

Kindness in Galatians Means…

Kindness - What does it look like?

III. KINDNESS - GENTLENESS

IV. Kindness & Gentleness:Following Jesus’s Example Submissiveness to the Will of God  Philippians 2:5-8

(NLT)You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 6 Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. 7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, 8 he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.

A Teachable Spirit  James 1:21 (NLT)So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.

POINT 3

The fruit of the Spirit is reflected in my

behaviors… which stem from a heart

characterized as Gentle & Kind

V. SHOWING …KINDNESS IN MARRIAGE

Kindness

• By Speaking Kindly to Our Spouse (This is kindness in

words)Soft Tone: First Sign: The Harsh Startup Kindly Non-Verbals: Second Sign: "The Four Horsemen“

Criticism 2. Contempt 3. Defensiveness 4. Stonewalling

Play (Speak) by the rulesDon’t expect mind reading

Kindness

• By Developing a Kind Attitude Toward Spouse

(This is kindness in heart)• Choose a different attitude

"The Four Horsemen” #2 = Contempt • Expect realistically- Don’t expect

husband to be girlfriend/Wife to be frat buddy

• Think relationally- Stop thinking that your way is the “right” way- “right” is really control

V. SHOWING …KINDNESS IN MARRIAGE

Kindness

• By Doing Kind Things for Spouse(This is kindness in

action)• Love expressed in 1,000 little

choices daily• Maybe the secret to marital

happiness is as simple as making your spouse tea in the morning- Turning down his side of the bed- Giving her a back rub

V. SHOWING …KINDNESS IN MARRIAGE

• Say "good morning."• Ask how he or she slept.• Make something for him or her to eat.• Help find something your spouse

misplaced.• Check with your spouse to make sure

they have everything they need for the day (money, food, information, etc.).

• Call during the day to say hello.• Run an errand at the store.• Listen and comfort your spouse if he or

she is upset.• Help your spouse with his or her tasks

at home.• Do favors.• Spend time together before going to

sleep.

Kind/Gentle Actions

Gentleness

• By having a teachable spirit• By thinking before responding-

not react• By responding in a calm manner• By responding with empathy • By responding with kindness

V. SHOWING …KINDNESS IN MARRIAGE

"Compassionate love" includes small, random acts that add up to bigger happiness in marriage. It's a skill set that increases marriage longevity and satisfaction, studies say. And it applies to both genders, because men and women are a lot alike.

V. Showing …Kindness in marriage

POINT 4

Kindness/Gentleness Works…

Even in a Marriage

What I Learned in Kindergarten …Share everything. Play fair.Don't hit people. Put things back Where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life -Learn some and think some- And draw and paint and sing and dance- And play and work everyday some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, Watch out for traffic,Hold hands and stick together.Kindness works in a marriage.

Gottman:Couples who accept, respect and honor each other's feelings are less likely to divorce (Love is expressed in a 1,000 little choices every day)

Kind/Gentle Actions

POINT 5

It’s the “Little” Things that Make a Difference

10 Marriage Sweeteners

• Put your partner's goals first. Giving your husband the last cupcake is easy. Spending your vacation—again—with his family is hard.

• Try to understand your partner's thoughts and feelings. Not sure what's going on? Ask.

• Accept, don't judge. Don't like your spouse's relatives, or his taste in clothes or TV shows? Zip it.

• Be open to your partner's requests. Everyone is busy. If your spouse asks for something, assume it's important.

• Modify your plans for your spouse's sake. Does she need a night off from parenting, or a few hours to finish a work project? Accommodate and earn relationship goodwill..

10 Marriage Sweeteners

• Do something special for your partner. Flowers are nice, but so is making the bed or giving a massage.

• Express tenderness and caring. Not everyone likes public displays of affection. But you can make a nice cup of tea.

• Go out of your way to 'be there.' Pay attention when your partner seems particularly stressed and try to help.

• Show respect and admiration. Celebrate successes, even little ones. Did your spouse handle a touchy situation well, or make you laugh? Point it out.

• Show you value your partner. Two words: Thank you.

SHOWING … KINDNESS &GENTLENESS IN MARRIAGE

Gentleness & Kindness

• How well am I doing???1. Do your spouse "feel loved by you" 2. Does your spouse "see Jesus in you"

Do something

• Ask Jesus to help you give yourself wholeheartedly to your marriage this week.

• Ask Jesus to help change your heart and attitudes towards your spouse this week.

• What are the little choices you can begin making to show your spouse you love them? Try to name five, just as a way of getting yourself thinking about these things.