The Future of Pepperdine Law In SOL Celebrates Lord Day … · 2003-11-18 · NEWS BRIEFS:NEWS BRIEFS: • SOL Celebrates Lord Day • Low Review web page likened your favourite Sunday

NEWS BRIEFS:NEWS BRIEFS:NEWS BRIEFS:NEWS BRIEFS: • SOL Celebrates Lord Day

• Low Review web page likened your favourite Sunday morning sports show where there are 6 hunters and they all shoot the same bird so there is nothing left to eat.

The Future of Pepperdine Law In Jeopardy: Gina Gardner Contem-plates Transfer.

• Law school patron dies during Ginsberg speech— victim falls asleep and drowns in soup.

• Elena Dubinsky & Danny Bat-salkin not seen together; Elena in tears, Danny suicidal.

with each class Lord McGoldrick strives to teach and to entertain - striking a near perfect balance be-tween the law and the stage. Sub-jects rather than students, those who enroll in the Lord’s class can expect to learn all they need, while enjoying the witty wordplay of this accom-plished graduate of the University of Chicago. When we asked students what they thought of the legendary Lord, we received volumes of posi-tive comments. “The time I spent with him was so pleasing. That wavy hair, that double-breasted coast…he’s a paradigm of sophistication, style and modishness,” said 3L Alli-son Miller. “He’s so charming, I was really stricken when he walked up to me, stuck out his hand and said with a smile, Jim McGoldrick,” commented 3L Joanna Sterling. “He’s like the father I always wanted,” Julie McGoldrick. “Oh

In an amazing turn of events, 2L Gina Gardner, once touted as the shin-ing symbol of Pepperdine Law, has sub-mersed the future of the university into an abyss of despair. Last summer, the administration at-tempted to capitalized on Gina’s assets making her the first pin up picture in the 2002-2003 application booklet (see ad-missions office for book). However, just last week, a reliable source within the administration disclosed to The LOWREVIEW that Gina Gardner is considering a possible transfer to Yale Law. When The LOWREVIEW asked Gina about her transfer she had this to say: “It’s not that I don’t like Pepper-dine, I love pepperdine, I just need to get away from Malibu and the crazy lifestyle out here. I also think that I will be more

appreciated at Yale.” That could not be further form the truth, follow-ing the admissions booklet pin-up, the university immediately experi-enced a flood of applications. While applications for new female students dropped slightly, the loss was well overshadowed by the 250% increase in male-student applications. Pep-perdine was well on its way to the second tier. Regardless, in an heroic effort to capitalize on the school-wide rumors that she is in the Top 10%, Gina intends to make the cross-country jump. Dean Lynn, in our always exclu-sive interview, begged for Miss Gardner to stay saying, “[Pepperdine] has done so much to reduce tuition for its students, we

need to keep our numbers strong in order to meet the costs of running the school. This could have a devastating affect on us all.” The administration fears Gina’s trans-fer could signal a decline in the institu-tion’s ability to compete with other ABA-accredited law schools. “Our student body is our resource. If we cannot pre-sent a respectable student body—our chances to move up in ranks fall.” So says Carol Allemeir, leader of that office where bottom-halfers are not allowed. The Records office has already acknowl-edged that nearly all of the male would-be students have withdrawn their applica-tions and have sought admission to other east coast area Law school institutions. “I can’t believe that the male student body applicants have fallen! The boys are my best proctors!” Admission office worker Jeudi Curtis stated. A celebratory rally sponsored all female students will be scheduled for next Fri-day to sing songs of rejoice.

McGoldrick, that debonair silver fox…he’s irresistibly charming, I loved every minute of his instruction,” claimed 3L Beth Nixon. “I just can’t get enough of big Jim, he’s the best I’ve had at Pepper-dine,” 2L Carolyn Schenk. In an exclu-sive interview with the Low Review, we asked the Lord about his time here at Pepperdine, and what he would like to see change. “Well, as a tenured profes-sor, I don’t much care , but since you asked I want Nelson’s office, I want a full bar in the faculty lounge, and I want a pitch and put on the back patio.” We also asked the Lord whether he liked the Low Review, and what he would like to see us do differently. “Well, to be frank I’d rather watch local news than read that tawdry rag. As for changes, I can’t really recommend anything short of stuffing it in the trash like that dreadful nuisance the Agoura Acorn.” Lastly, we asked the Lord what his Valentine’s Day plans were. “Ha! Well, I can’t really say, I

Like a shining beacon of grace, class, and mid 18th century aristocratic ele-gance, James McGoldrick stands as a model for Pepperdine’s burgeoning legal youth. If you don’t know Lord McGoldrick, you’re missing out on some of the best that Pepperdine has to offer. More than a mere professor, Lord McGoldrick is an institution – an integral component in the rich and varied tapestry of personalities that comprise the law school faculty. A true man of style and leisure, Lord McGoldrick descends upon the cam-pus between relaxing rounds of golf or unhurried trips to northern California. In his sporty coupe he can be seen cruising the coast between Santa Monica and Malibu and is often spot-ted at chic L.A. restaurants. His classes are the stuff of jurisprudential legend. Unlike many of his col-leagues, who simply strive to impart legal knowledge on their students,

• Profits from T-Shirts sales used to fund Puzder’s Malt Liquor binge. Puzder exclaims: “Woo HOO!

• Like a crocodile, some Con Law concepts have not changed that much since prehistoric times.

Cover Page: All the news that’s not fit to print

might get into trouble with some of the stiffs on the faculty, and I don’t think the attorney/client privilege extends to our relationship...although if you ask me on Friday, we may fall under the priest/penitent exception.” When we pressed him on the issue, he simply smiled and said, “Well, let’s just say I’m aiming for a little faux reconciliation, and I’m going to finally try and get rid of all that damn Chanukah wrapping paper.” As the utterly unofficial voice of the unoffi-cial bottom half, Lord McGoldrick, we thank you for your contributions to the sanity of young legal minds. Lord McGoldrick, we salute you!

Volume 2, Issue 3

02/13/2002 ™

Contact info: [email protected] www.lowreview.com We welcome criticism, as long as its funny, See: www.lowreview.com/Editorials/1L.html

HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

for me to divulge in this column. I think it would be best if we met, per-haps over a candlelight dinner and a movie, to discuss your predicament and to work on some possible “solutions.” - Ron For all you dating needs, email ,me: [email protected]

on student housing: • “It’s very smart architecturally… let’s design it so there isn’t enough room on the floor for two beds, so we have adults living in bunk beds…the only thing you forgot was your Star Wars sheets.” • “You know what I do? Do you do this? When I’m filling up my car, I guess what number it’s going to stop at…I never get it right, I never get it right. It’s re-tarded isn’t it?” • “As a rule questions at the ends of cases irritate me. Just be-cause I think it’s the author show-ing off.”

• “Of course I think HBO and Showtime are for people that don’t like movies. They only show things you don’t want to see, movies with peo-ple like Eric Estrada. . .”

• “By the way if you’re mad at a person that

you’ve just broken up with, I suggest signing them up to hear about timeshares…you’ve gotten your revenge and you’re not the scum of the Earth…and keying the car is so last year…”

• “In college I took a bus home from Los Ange-

les to Mantica, California…its about a 5 ½ hour drive…and a 12 day bus trip.”

At a recent tea party, many in attendance were honored by the presence and eloquence of The Lord McGoldrick. Al-though noble by birth, The Lord prefers the title “The Franchise.” What follows are some of the insights over-heard at the celebration. • “Ah, time for afternoon

tea…and a croissant.” • “What does due process

mean? I don’t know, you don’t know, were never going to know.”

• “Any good snack items…

granola bars - oats and honey? Nutter Butters?”

• “I like people that identify there car on their

vanity plate…‘Billy’s Ford’…Oh, ya, that’s clever.”

On American cars: • “Gee I think I’d like a Plymouth…do you

have anything in a brown?” • “If you find on your exam, that you have a

pencil crammed through it…I may have been irritated.”

McGoldrick on the Gash family: • “I didn’t know that. All those J’s – how em-

barrassing.”

at least a 2L. You, as a 1L, may only date a 1L. I say, turn to part-ner and seek companionship there! - Ron • Dear Rolling Ron, I am finally single again, but I am having problems getting anything started law school guys. It just seems that they are all so reserved. If they ever go out, I cant tell if they are making a move or even interested. Valentine’s Day is close and I want some action. Please help me! Sad Sexy Single • Dear Sexy, Chances are that Cupid is-n’t going to shoot them in the ass any time soon. And, unfortunately, the ins and outs of the male law student dating strategy are far too complicated and sensitive

She also doesn’t appreciate when I make kissy faces and invite my TA out for dinner. I want to pre-serve my working relationship with my partner, but I also want to get with my TA. What should I do? - Time & Attention • Dear T&A, I’m so sorry to tell you that you have pie-in-the-sky hopes. Don’t you know the rules of law school dating yet? You may think that your TA is helping you, but she is probably looking and thinking about another TA. If you want to date in law school, you are rele-gated to dating those like you. To date a TA, you should be a TA, or

Many students have sought help with their dating problems from the editers of The Low Re-view. Unfortunately the editers are married, and thus unable to give sound dating advice. So we turned to Ron Roach, a 2L with an immaculate record with the ladies. Below are some questions we have received, and Ron has addressed. If you have a dating question for Ron, email him at: [email protected] • Dear Rolling Ron, My TA is really hot. Every time I go to a meeting with her I cannot stop looking at her. However, my writing partner is also a girl and she doesn’t like it when I ignore her during our appointments.

Rollin’ Wit Ron Roach; Dating Tips from a 2L.

Have our years at Pepperdine taught us anything? If so, let me know, I am still searching for something . . . Because we learned next to nothing, we should go with what was memorable: Lord McGoldrick’s insatiable appetite for speaking in front of a crowd. I tried to register for his Con Law classes, however the departure of that other “scholar” for an east coast school screwed that up (I am still writing a scathing letter to that fellow to let him know how much he screwed up my third year). In any event, there are definitely some great professors at this school; Perrin, Pop-ovich, Kerr, maybe Gash (hey he’s grown a lot in the past 3 years), Caldwell, Miller . . . But McGoldrick’s ability to amuse and pro-fess is surpassed by none other. So The Low Review has decided to make a push to support The Lord as our Gradua-tion breakfast speaker. We will, no doubt, have an eloquent, insightful and exciting speaker at graduation—someone like Justice Ginsberg (See Carte Blanche). But what we want, what we should fight for is the raw honest energy and insight of Lord McGoldrick. As 3L’s we have had to settle for a con-fused graduation date, no cancelled classes because of fire or flood, and Justice Gins-berg at a dinner we had to pay $75 bucks for! Let’s not settle for anything less than Lord McGoldrick for our Graduation break-fast speaker! Contact the Dean NOW!!

Hey 3L’s vote for The Lord McGoldrick for Grad break-

fast speaker!

Page 2 ThE LOW REVIeW

Quote The Franchise

This week we asked stu-dents and professors what they think of The LOWREVIEW Tee shirts • “Tee shirts? C’mon

that’s so trailer park, tee hee, like McGoldrick, tee hee.”

-Section A chronicler • “I’m not gonna buy that

crap! It’s probably funded by the SBA—what do they get a free shirt?”

- 2L Julie Hunt

• “Am I going to escape with any dignity.”

-Tim Perrin • “They’re cute, but I only

wear sweaters, and finely pressed shirts.”

-Shadrick “fashion” King • “WOW! You got tee shirts!

Dude that’s cool! Can I buy one? Pretty please?”

- Jim Gash • “When do you graduate?

May? Good.” - Dean Lynn

• “Oh my! Is that Tim Perrin? . . . Give me 2.”

-Lord McGoldrick • “You are always taking my

quotes out of context and making me look like an insensitive dictator—truth be told I like those little runts and will buy a shirt.”

-3L God Dan Droog • “How much? Bro—I’d

rather by a pack of Parlia-ments, or some cheese and wine. Phat”

-3L The Count

Page 3 Volume 2, Issue 3

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An emotional Law School Dinner was punc-tuated Saturday night by Justice Ginsberg’s appearance and speech. With the secret still under wraps, Ginsberg took the stage and de-livered one of the most memorable oratory performances in Pepperdine history. She wove an intricate and emotional web of words that successfully intertwined meaning with school pride, all while unveiling her en-dorsement of Dean Lynn as the next US Su-preme Court Justice. The sound of sparkling wine glasses clinking together was soon drowned out by the roaring applause after the announcement was made that the school is preparing its Dean for a na-tional election. Dean Lynn is the front runner as the school’s premiere candidate for the up-coming elections to take place later this year. Dean Lynn told the Low Review in a telephone interview Sunday morning, “Many of the jus-tices on the court are getting up there in age. We anticipate that at least two seats will be open by the end of 2002. Some will retire, some will die and we will be ready.” Justice Ginsberg provided some private insight into the prestigious position and the current status of the court’s elderly justices. The administration is making preparations right now for a tough campaign. Following a second serving of desert, the school explained to the students and alumni in attendance that a portion of the increase in tuition over the past year has been used to fund a mass mailing and leaflet distribution. To this date the school has printed over 40 million flyers and have hired 300 tele-callers to begin dialing once the seat is open. While most were ecstatic about the dinner some had concerns about the night’s events. Current 3L Bill Roberts after several martini’s explained, “I felt overweight before coming and they served two deserts.” Constitu-tional Law expert Jernard Bames is also hesi-

Dean Lynn receives Supreme Court Nomination tant about jumping onboard the election wagon “I don’t think they really understand how a person gets on the Supreme Court. It is very unlikely that our Dean could become a Supreme Court Justice even with justice Ginsberg’s endorsement. No one from Pep-perdine has ever been elected to a federal judicial position.” Carol Allemeier, from the Career Services office, reports: “Believe me, this will boost our national rankings, increase the prestige of the university and further justify additional increases in tuition if we prevail in the pri-maries and the national election.” Pepper-dine has been trying to raise the bar and ulti-mately become more selective in the type of students admitted to the School of Law. “Our admission criteria will change dramatically. It will hopefully rise to a level where no cur-rent student would meet the criteria for ad-mission.” Fol-lowing his ac-ceptance speech, Dean Lynn left the Law School Dinner for a two month pre-campaign travel-ing meet and greet, press the flesh tour. When asked about his trip through all fifty states, the US Virgin Islands and Fiji, Lynn responded before getting into his lim-ousine, “Well it’s a little tricky right now. Since the campaign hasn’t formally begun, we have to categorize this mission as a uni-versity activity, which is fine because that means none of the money we have raised from the tuition increase specifically for the

campaign will be touched. It is wonderful be-cause this trip is entirely funded by tuition dol-lars allocated to the general fund.” It really is a minimal and inconsequential expense when considering the other expenditures the students have funded over the years. Dean Lynn re-ports also that the funding is “a little tricky, so we just let the Dean’s Suite people worry about all that. How did you like the desert?” The career services center is excited about the pos-sibility of a Lynn victory because it will finally open up Supreme Court clerkships to Pepper-dine grads. The Low Review staff caught up with Carol Allemeier at The James McGoldrick after party. “When Lynn is elected to the High Court, he gets to select a dozen clerks and at least two of those will come exclusively from Pepperdine, after all the

Harvard first years are taken care of.” Lynn said that be-cause this election is unlike any other, “We hope to con-tinue to get key en-dorsements from the rest of the nine jus-tices. Justice Gins-berg’s endorsement at the Law School dinner was just phase one of our plan to bring every sitting Justice to our

campus within the next year.” Justice Scalia has been slated to chair the Malibu Beach Clean up and whale watching extravaganza in March. Rehnquist will referee the school’s prestigious ultimate Frisbee games from April to May. And O’Connor has committed to judg-ing the kite flying contest at Malibu’s Michael Landon Park in June.

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My Heart’s On Fire, Malvina!

Big news in Low Review land. First we have secured a contract with The Peruvian Refillable Oil Network. P.R.O.N will now supply us with refillable ink, thus cutting the cost of printing! In other financially related news, Low Review Tee shirts are now available. These collectors items are affordable and fashionable at only $10 a shirt! Email [email protected] to pre-order your spring time fashion!

Purchase a LOWRE-VIEW.COM Tee Shirt

sors a bad name. Like a mono-logue given by Charlie Brown’s teacher, Justice Ginsberg droned on about Malvina for what seemed like eternity, while the crowd became increasingly rest-less. It wasn’t long before those listening recognized the effects

of this judicial buzz-killer and sought refuge in just about anything alcoholic. Straining to find a kernel of humor or insight in her speech, the crowd erupted in laughter at the hint of amusement, if only to keep the drool from staining their finest. Like a sadistic book on tape, Ginsberg murmured on until I be-came conscious of the faint sounds of my ticking watch and the rush of air from the overhead vents. When it was finally over, the audience members leapt to their feet, if only to feel alive again, and most headed for the nearest exit before Dean Lynn could even bid us farewell. But not all was lost, the real party of course took place

down the hall from the lofty ballroom, at the crowded tiki-den, Trade Vic’s, where our own legal hero Lord McGoldrick was holding court, and those low interest law school loans were hard at work purchasing rounds of dreadfully overpriced study aids. Though the evening had its ups and downs, at least we pulled off another public rela-tions coup by snagging a justice, and at very least we came a great deal closer to understanding why Supreme Court opinions read the way they do.

Saturday heralded the arrival of Pepperdine’s annual law school dinner. This year’s dinner held at the Beverly Hilton was by all accounts one to remember. For the record, the food wasn’t half bad, with a pleasant selection of beef, chicken and shrimp, and just about everyone enjoyed the rich butternut squash soup. However, the evening’s richness didn’t stop there. For many students, particu-larly first years, it was a nice opportunity to see their professors in a social set-ting without the fear of being called on. For the rest of us jaded second and third years it was nice to dress up, go to Beverly Hills and play adult again. The setting for the dinner, also the venue for the Golden Globe Awards, was indeed a sight with its swanky drapery illuminated with blue lights, which seemed to be calling out for white tigers and Vegas showgirls. Naturally, there were several interesting speakers, including the always-humorous Dean Lynn, who surprised and rewarded us with not one, but two bowtie jokes, and of course there was John Quinn, the mysterious recipi-ent of the legal hero award. Though no one thought to men-tion what deeds afforded him the status of “legal hero,” he sounded like a pleasant fellow and it’s always nice to see someone get an award. However, the highlight of the evening was unquestionably the remarkable speech given by Justice Ginsberg. If you haven’t heard Justice Ginsberg speak, you’re truly missing out. Not since Gray Davis took office have

VtÜàx UÄtÇv{xVtÜàx UÄtÇv{xVtÜàx UÄtÇv{xVtÜàx UÄtÇv{x we heard an orator of such pas-sion, humor and captivating elo-quence. Amidst a standing ova-tion, Justice Ginsberg launched into her dutifully prepared re-marks. But the good Justice spoke not of Pepperdine, and not of the judicial system. She chose to

avoid the mundane issues of Bush v. Gore, or old favorites like judi-cial integrity and public service. Rather, Justice Ginsberg took her audience down a far less traveled path. Her chosen topic, a retro-spective look at the yet to be pub-lished memoirs of the late Malvina Harlan, wife of the late Justice John Harlan was indeed a surprising choice. Perhaps more obscure topics exist, though I am personally at a loss to find one, and perhaps we should not expect politician-quality speeches from the opposite side of 1st street, but to say the least, Justice Ginsberg’s style gives civil procedure profes-

Be like Britney and buy a Low Review Tee!

Malvina Harlan, Judicial Kleptomaniac

Decision 2002 As an esteemed independent publication dedicated to the improvement of the Pep-perdine community, the Low Review wishes to announce it’s choices for this year’s SBA elections in order to ensure that the last vestiges of our social lives do not disappear into the legal abyss.

Brian Cahill

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Tara Ferguson Jesse Soto Nair Flores