The Autobiography of Phra Ajaan Lee - Ṭhānissaro Bhikkhu · The Theravadan version of this tradition dates at least to medieval Sri Lanka and ... 15. masters of the forest ascetic

THE

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

OF

PHRAAJAAN

LEE

PHRASUDDHIDHAMMARANSIGAMBHIRAMEDHACARIYA

(DHAMMADHARO,LEE)

TranslatedfromtheThaiby

ThanissaroBhikkhu(GeoffreyDeGraff)

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c o p y r i g h tCopyright©(FirstEdition)1991,(ThirdEdition,Revised)2012ThanissaroBhikkhu

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PHRAAJAANLEEDHAMMADHARO(1906-1961)

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KORAT,C.1932

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SARNATH,1950

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PHRAAJAANMUNBHURIDATTO

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PHRAPAÑÑABHISARATHERA(NUU)AjaanLee’sPreceptor

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PHRAAJAANSINGHKHANTIYAGAMO

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SOMDETPHRAMAHAWIRAWONG(TISSO,UAN)

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PREPARATIONSFORTHECONSECRATIONCEREMONY,THEFESTIVALCELEBRATING

25CENTURIESOFBUDDHISM,WATASOKARAM,1957

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THEORIGINALTHIRTEEN-SPIREDCHEDI,WATASOKARAM

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Translator ’ s Foreword

PHRAAJAANLEEDHAMMADHAROwasoneoftheforemostteachersintheThaiforestascetictraditionofmeditationfoundedattheturnofthetwentiethcenturybyPhraAjaanSaoKantasiloandPhraAjaanMunBhuridatto.Hislifewasshortbuteventful.Knownforhisskillasateacherandhismasteryofsupranaturalpowers,hewasthefirsttobringtheascetictraditionoutoftheforestsoftheMekhongbasinandintothemainstreamofThaisocietyincentralThailand.

Theyearbeforehisdeath,hewashospitalizedfortwomonthswithaheartailmentandsotooktheopportunitytodictatehisautobiography.Hechosetoaimthestoryathisfollowers—peoplewhowerealreadyacquaintedwithhimbutdidn’tknowhimwellenough—andheselectedhismaterialwithadoublepurpose,choosingincidentsthatmadebothforgoodstoriesandforgoodlessons.Someofthelessonsareaimedatmonks,otheratmeditatorsingeneral,butbyandlargetheydealwithissueshehadnotbeenabletoincludeinhiswrittenguidestomeditationandBuddhistpracticeingeneral.

Asaresult,thebookcontainsverylittleonthesubstantiveeventsinhisownmeditation.IfyouhavecometothisbookinhopesofgaugingthelevelofAjaanLee’smeditativeattainments,youhavecometothewrongplace,foronthistopichislipsaresealed.Mostofwhathewantedtosayonthesubjecthehadalreadyincludedinhisotherbooks.Asforhisownpersonalattainments,henevermentionedthemeventohiscloseststudents.

Whathetalksaboutherearetheeventsthatsurroundedhislifeasameditator,andhowhedealtwiththem:thechallenges,thestrangecharacters,andtheunusualincidentsheencounteredbothintheforestandinthecentersofhumansociety.Hepresentsthelifeofmeditationasoneofadventure—wheretruthisaqualityofheart,ratherthanofideas,andthedevelopmentofthemindisamatteroflifeanddeath—anditisinthisthatalargepartofthebook’seducationalandentertainmentvaluelies.

AjaanLee’smethodofdrawinglessonsfromhisexperiencesistypicalofThaimeditationsteachers—i.e.,herarelydrawsthemexplicitly.Onenotableexceptionisthefinepassagetowardtheendwherehediscussesthebenefitsoflivingawanderer’slifeintheforest,butotherwiseheleavesituptohisreaderstodrawtheirownlessonsfromtheincidentsherelates.Ratherthanhandingyoulessonsonaplatter,hewantsyoutobeearnestenoughinyourdesiretolearnto

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searchforandfindusefullessonsnomatterwhereyoulook.Whenyougetusedtobeingtaughtinthisway,thepay-offisthatyoucanlearnfromeverything.AsAjaanLeesayshimself,therearelessonstobelearnedfromanimals,trees,andevenvines.

SomereaderswillbetakenabackbytheamountofspaceAjaanLeegivestosigns,portents,andothersupranaturalevents.ThingsofthissorttendtobedownplayedinthelaunderedversionsofTheravadaBuddhismusuallypresentedintheWest—inwhichtheBuddhaoftencomesoffasaBertrandRussellorFritzPerlsinrobes—andadmittedlytheyarenottheessenceofwhattheBuddhahadtoteach.Still,theyareanareathatmanypeopleencounterwhentheyexplorethemindandwheretheyoftengoastrayforlackofreliableguidance.AjaanLeehadagreatdealofexperienceinthisareaandmanyusefullessonstoteach.Heshowsbyexamplewhichsortsofexperiencestotreatsimplyascuriosities,whichtotakeseriously,andhowtotesttheexperiencesthatseemtohaveimportantmessages.

Inmymanyconversationswithhisstudents,IhavelearnedthatAjaanLeelimitedhisnarrativetoonlythemildereventsofthissort.Heoftendealssomuchinunderstatementthatitispossibletoreadthroughsomeoftheincidentsandnotrealizethatanythingoutoftheordinaryishappening.Whenthebookwasfirstprintedafterhisdeath,manyofhisfollowersweredisappointedinitforjustthisreason,andanumberofthemgottogethertowriteanexpandedversionofAjaanLee’slifethatincludedmanyofthemoreamazingeventstheyhadexperiencedinhispresence.Fortunately—fromAjaanLee’sperspectiveatleast—thismanuscriptsoondisappeared.

Tobefrank,whatfirstdrewmetoAjaanLee,asidefromtheclarityandsubtletyofhisteachings,werethetalesIhadheardofhispowersandpersonality.Myteacher,AjaanFuangJotiko,wasaclosediscipleofhis,andmuchofmyearlyeducationasamonkconsistedoflisteningtohisstoriesofhisadventureswithAjaanLee.Forme,iftheautobiographyhadlackedthedramaoftheeventinWatSupatorthepanacheofhisencounterwithMaeFyyn(havingherlighthimacigaretteasoneofherfirstactsafterhehadcuredherparalysis),itwouldn’thavebeenAjaanLee.

However,Ishouldsaysomethinghereaboutthemiraclessurroundingrelicsthatplayalargeroleinthelatterpartofthebook.ThereisanoldtraditioninBuddhismthatmanyofthebodilyrelicsoftheBuddhaandhisarahantdisciplestransformedintosmallpellet-likeobjectsthatcomeandgooftheirownaccord.TheTheravadanversionofthistraditiondatesatleasttomedievalSriLankaandmaygofurtherbackthanthat.Thereareoldbooksthatclassifythevarioustypesofrelicsbyshapeandcolor,identifyingwhichonescomefromwhichpartsoftheBuddha’sbodyandwhichonesfromwhichdisciple.ThetraditionisstillverymuchaliveinThailand,especiallynowthatthebonesofmanyofthedead

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mastersoftheforestascetictraditionhaveturnedintorelics.AsforrelicsoftheBuddha,Ihavetalkedtomanypeoplewhohaveseenthemcomeandgo,andIhavehadsuchexperiencesmyself,althoughnothingasdramaticasAjaanLee’s.

Imentionallthis,nottomakeacasefortheexistenceandprovenanceoftherelics,butsimplytopointoutthatAjaanLeewasnotaloneinhavingsuchexperiences,andthattherationalapproachofTheravadaBuddhismhasitsuncannysideaswell.

Atanyrate,myfeelingisthatAjaanLeementionedtheissueoftherelicsfortworeasons:1)Hewascompelledtobecauseitwaspartofthecontroversythatsurroundedhisnameduringhislifetime,andhisstudentswouldhavefeltthatsomethingwasseriouslyamissifhedidn’tprovidesomeexplanationofthetopic.TheincidentatWatSupatwasnottheonlytimethatrelicsappearedwhilehewasteachingmeditationtogroupsofpeople,andinfactheoncementionedtoAjaanFuangthatthefrequencywithwhichthishappenedoftenirkedhim:Justashisstudentswouldbesettlingtheirmindsinconcentration,thesethingswouldappearandthatwouldbetheendofthemeditationsession.

2)AsAjaanLeementionsintheautobiography,hefeltthathehadakarmicdebtrequiringhimtobuildacheditoenshrinerelicsoftheBuddhaandheneededtoconvincehissupportersoftheimportanceoftheproject.

SokeepthesepointsinmindasyoureadtherelevantpassagesandbeopentothepossibilitythatthroughoutthebookthereareissuesbetweenAjaanLeeandhisaudiencethatflowunderthesurfaceofthenarrativeandthatyoucanonlyguessat.

Alsobearinmindthatthebookwasleftunfinished.AjaanLeehadplannedtotackonaseriesofaddendadealingwitheventsscatteredintimeandplacethroughoutthebodyofthenarrative,showingtheirconnectionsandprovidingmoredetails,butheleftonlyasketchofthefirstaddendum,apieceexplainingwhyhechosetonamehismonasteryWatAsokaram.Thesketchissodisjointedandpurposefullycryptic,though,thatIhavechosentoleaveitoutofthisedition.

Youwillfind,asyoureadthroughthebook,occasionaldetailsofThaicultureandtherulesoftheBuddhistmonkhoodthatmightbeunfamiliartoyou.Ihavetriedtoanticipatethesepoints,markingthemwithasterisksinthetextandexplainingthemintheendnotesatthebackofthebook.ForgivemeifIhavemissedanythingyoufindpuzzling.TheendnotesarefollowedbyaglossaryofPaliandThaitermsIhadtocarryoverintothetranslation.YoumightfinditusefultoreadthroughPartIoftheglossary—togetsomesenseofwhatisconveyedbyaperson’snameinThaisociety—beforejumpingintothebookitself.

AjaanLeeasaspeakerwasalwaysveryconsciousofhisaudience,andIsuspect

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thathisautobiographywouldhavebeenaverydifferentbookifhehadwrittenitwithanon-Thaiaudienceinmind.Mytranslatingthebookasitstandshasbeenanactoftrust:trustthatthevalueofAjaanLee’smessageisuniversal,andtrustthattherearereaderswillingtotaketheempatheticjourneyintoanothercultureandmindset—toseewhatthepossibilitiesofthehumanconditionlooklikewhenviewedfromadistantpointinspaceandtime,andtobringsomeofthatnewperspectivebackwiththemontheirreturn.

ThanissaroBhikkhu(GeoffreyDeGraff)

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I WASBORNatnineintheeveningonThursday,the31stofJanuary,1907—theseconddayofthewaningmoon,thesecondlunarmonth,theyearoftheHorse—inBaanNawngSawngHawng(DoubleMarshVillage),YaangYoPhaabtownship,MuangSaamSibdistrict,UbonRatchathaniprovince.Thiswasavillageofabout80houses,dividedintothreeclusters:theLittleVillage,theInnerVillage,andtheOuterVillage.IntheOuterVillagewasatemple;thatwasthevillageinwhichIwasborn.Betweenthevillageswerethreeponds,andsurroundingthevillagesonallsideswerescoresofgiantrubbertrees.TothenorthweretheruinsofanancienttownwithtwoabandonedBuddhistsanctuaries.Thespiritsthereweresaidtobesofiercethattheysometimespossessedpeople,causingthemtogoliveinthespiritshrines.Fromthelooksoftheruins,I’dsaytheywerebuiltbytheKhmers.

MyoriginalnamewasChaalee.MyparentswerePaoandPhuayNariwong;mygrandparentsonmyfather’ssidewerenamedJanthaariandSida;andonmymother’sside,NantasenandDee.Ihadfivebrothersandfoursisters.AboutninedaysafterIwasborn,Ibecamesuchanuisance—cryingallthetime—thatmyfatherlefthomeforagoodwhile.Threedaysaftermymotherleftthefire,*Idevelopedaswellingonmyhead,andcouldn’teatorsleepforseveraldaysrunning.Iwasanextremelydifficultchildtoraise.Nothingmymotherorfathercoulddoeverseemedtosatisfyme.

MymotherdiedwhenIwaseleven,leavingmyfather,myself,andalittlesisterwhomIhadtocarefor.Myotherbrothersandsistersbythattimehadallgrownupandgoneofftofindwork,sotherewerejustthethreeofusathome.BothmysisterandIhadtohelpmyfatherinthericefields.

WhenIwastwelveIstartedschool.Ilearnedenoughtoreadandwrite,butfailedtheelementaryexams,whichdidn’tbothermeintheleast,butIkeptonstudyinganyway.At17,Ileftschool,mymainaiminlifebeingtoearnmoney.

DuringthisperiodmyfatherandIseemedalwaystobeatoddswitheachother.Hewantedmetostarttradinginthingsthatseemedwrongtome,likepigsandcattle.Sometimes,whenitcametimetomakemeritatthetemple,he’dstandinmywayandsendmeouttoworkinthefieldsinstead.ThereweredaysI’dgetsoupsetthatI’dendupsittingoutaloneinthemiddleofthefields,crying.Therewasonethoughtinmymind:IsworetomyselfthatIwasn’tgoingtostayoninthisvillage—soIwouldonlyhavetoputupwiththingsjustalittlebitlonger.

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Afterawhilemyfatherremarried,toawomannamedMaeThip.Lifeathomebecamealittlemorebearableafterthat.

WHENIWAS18,Isetouttofindmyelderbrother,whohadfoundworkinNongSaeng,Saraburiprovince.NewshadreachedhomethathehadasalariedjobwiththeIrrigationDepartment,whichwasintheprocessofbuildingawatergate.SoinOctoberofthatyearImovedinwithmybrother.Beforelong,though,wehadafallingout,becauseIhappenedtomentiononedaythatheoughttomakeavisitbackhome.Hewasdeadsetagainstgoing,soIleftonmyown,headingsouth,lookingforwork.Atthetime,Ifeltthatmoneyrankedinimportancenexttolifeitself.AlthoughphysicallyIhadnowcomeofage,Istillthoughtofmyselfasachild.Whenfriendswouldaskmetojointhemingoingouttolookforwomen,Iwouldn’tbetheleastbitinterested,becauseIfeltthatmarriagewasforgrown-ups,notforkidslikeus.

FromwhatIhadseenoflife,IhadmadetworesolutionsthatIkepttomyself:

1)Iwon’tmarryuntilI’matleast30.2)Iwon’tmarryunlessIhaveatleast500bahttomyname.

IwasdeterminedthatI’dhaveboththemoneyandtheabilitytosupportatleastthreeotherpeoplebeforeI’dbewillingtogetinvolvedwithawoman.

Buttherewasyetanotherreasonformyaversiontotheideaofmarriage.Duringmychildhood,attheagewhenIwasjustbeginningtoknowwhatwaswhat,ifIsawawomanpregnanttothepointwhereshewasclosetogivingbirth,itwouldfillmewithfeelingsoffearanddisgust.Thiswasbecausethecustominthosepartswhenawomanwasgoingtogivebirthwastotakearopeandtieoneendtoarafter.Thewoman,kneelingdown,wouldhangontotheotherendoftheropeandgivebirth.Somewomenwouldscreamandmoan,theirfacesandbodiesalltwistedinpain.WheneverIhappenedtoseethis,I’dhavetorunawaywithmyhandsovermyearsandeyes,andIwouldn’tbeabletosleep,outofbothfearanddisgust.Thismadeadeepimpressiononmethatlastedforalongtime.

WhenIwasaround19or20,Ibegantohavesomenotionofgoodandevil,butitwasn’tinmetodoevil.UptothatpointIhadneverkilledalargeanimal,exceptone—adog.AndIcanrememberhowithappened.OnedaywhenIwaseating,Itookaneggandputitintheashesofthefire.Thedogcamealong,foundtheeggandateit—soIjumpedup,grabbedaclub,andbeatittodeathonthespot.Immediately,IwassorryforwhatIhaddone.‘HowonearthcanImakeupforthissin?’Ithought.SoIfoundanoldbookwithachantforsharingmeritthatImemorized.IthenwentandworshipedtheBuddha,dedicatingthemerittothedeaddog.Thismademefeelbetter,butmywholetrainofthoughtatthat

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timewasthatIwantedtobeordained.In1925,whenIwas20,mystepmotherdied.Atthetime,Iwaslivingwith

relativesinBangLendistrict,NakhornPathomprovince,sotowardtheendofFebruaryIreturnedhometomyfatherandaskedhimtosponsormyordination.Iarrivedwithabout160bahtinmypockets.Soonaftermyarrivalmyelderbrothers,sisters,brothers-in-law,etc.,flockedaroundtoseeme—andtoborrowmoney:tobuywaterbuffaloes,tobuyland,touseintrading.Igavethemalltheyaskedfor,becauseIwasplanningtobeordained.Sointheend,outofmyoriginal160baht,Iwasleftwith40.

Whenordinationseasonarrived,myfathermadeallthenecessaryarrangements.Iwasordainedonthefullmoondayofthesixthlunarmonth—VisakhaPuja.Altogether,therewerenineofusordainedthatday.Ofthisnumber,somehavesincedied,somehavedisrobed,leavingonlytwoofusstillinthemonkhood—myselfandafriend.

AftermyordinationImemorizedchantsandstudiedtheDhammaandmonasticdiscipline.ComparingwhatIwasstudyingwiththelifeIandthemonksaroundmewereleadingmademefeelillatease,becauseinsteadofobservingthedutiesofthecontemplativelife,wewereouttohaveagoodtime:playingchess,wrestling,playingmatchgameswithgirlswhenevertherewasawake,raisingbirds,holdingcockfights,sometimeseveneatingfoodintheevenings.*Speakingoffoodintheevenings,evenI,livinginthissortofsociety,joinedin—asfarasIcanremember—threetimes:

1)OnedayIfelthungry,sointhemiddleofthenightIgotholdofthericeplacedasanofferingonthealtarandateit.

2)AnothertimeIwasinvitedtohelpdelivertheMahachaadsermon*atWatNoanDaenginPhaiYai(BigBamboo)township.Itsohappenedthatmyturntoreadthesermoncameat11a.m.BythetimeIhadfinished,itwasafternoon,soitwastoolatetoeat.OnthewayhomeIwasaccompaniedbyatempleboycarryingsomericeandgrilledfishinhisshoulderbag.Alittleafter1p.m.,feelingreallytiredandhungry,Itoldtheboytoshowmewhatwasinhisbag.Seeingthefood,Icouldn’tresistsittingrightdownandfinishingitoffundertheshadeofatree.Ithenreturnedhometothetemple.

3)OnedayIwentintotheforesttohelpdragwoodbacktothetempleforbuildingameetinghall.ThatnightIfelthungry,soIhadameal.

Iwasn’ttheonlypersondoingthissortofthing.Myfriendsweredoingitallthetime,butwerealwayscarefultocoveritup.

DuringthisperiodthethingIhatedmostwastobeinvitedtochantatafuneral.WhenIwasyoungerIwouldnevereatinahousewhereapersonhadjustdied.Evenifsomeonelivinginthesamehousewithmewenttohelpwitha

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funeral,I’dkeepaneyeout,afterhereturned,toseefromwhichbaskethe’deatriceandfromwhichdipperhe’ddrinkwater.Iwouldn’tsayanything,butI’dbecarefulnottoeatfromthatbasketordrinkfromthatdipper.EvenafterIwasordained,thishabitstayedwithme.Iwas19beforeIeversetfootinacemetery.Evenwhenrelativesdied—evenwhenmyownmotherdied—I’drefusetogotothecremation.

Oneday,afterhavingbeenordainedafairwhile,Iheardpeoplecryingandmoaninginthevillage:Someonehaddied.BeforelongIcaughtsightofamancarryingabowlofflowers,incense,andcandles,comingtothetempletoinvitemonkstochantatthedeadperson’splace.Assoonasheenteredtheabbot’squarters,Iranoffintheoppositedirection,followedbysomeofthenewlyordainedmonks.Whenwereachedthemangogrove,wesplitupandclimbedthetrees—andtherewesat,perchedonetoatree,absolutelystill.Itwasn’tlongbeforetheabbotwentlookingforus,buthecouldn’tfindus.Icouldhearhimlosinghistemperinhisquarters.TherewasonethingIwasafraidof,though:theslingshothekepttochasebatsfromthetrees.Intheend,hehadanovicecomelookforus,andwhenthenovicefoundus,weallhadtocomedown.

THISISTHEWAYthingswentfortwoyears.WheneverIlookedintothebooksonmonasticdiscipline,I’dstartfeelingreallyuneasy.Itoldmyself,‘Ifyoudon’twanttoleavethemonkhood,you’regoingtohavetoleavethistemple.’Atthebeginningofmysecondrainsretreat,Imadeavow:‘AtpresentIstillsincerelywanttopracticetheBuddha’steachings.Withinthenextthreemonths,mayImeetateacherwhopracticesthemtrulyandrightly.’

InthebeginningofNovemberIwenttohelppreachtheMahachaadsermonatWatBaanNoanRangYaiinYaangYoPhaabtownship.WhenIarrived,ameditationmonkhappenedtobeonthesermonseat.Iwasreallytakenbythewayhespoke,soIaskedsomelaypeoplewhohewasandwherehecamefrom.Theytoldme,‘That’sAjaanBot,astudentofAjaanMun.’Hewasstayingaboutakilometerfromthevillage,inaforestofgiantrubbertrees,soattheendoftheMahachaadfairIwenttoseehim.WhatIsaw—hiswayoflife,themannerinwhichheconductedhimself—reallypleasedme.Iaskedhimwhohisteacherswere,andheanswered,‘PhraAjaanMunandPhraAjaanSao.Atthemoment,AjaanMunhascomedownfromSakonNakhornandisstayingatWatBuraphainthecityofUbon.’

Learningthis,Ihurriedhometomytemple,thinkingalltheway,‘ThismustbewhatI’vebeenwaitingfor.’AfewdayslaterIwenttotakeleaveofmyfatherandpreceptor.Atfirsttheydidalltheycouldtodissuademefromgoing,butasItoldmyfather,Ihadalreadymadeupmymind.‘Ihavetoleavethisvillage,’Itoldhim.‘WhetherIleaveasamonkoralayman,I’vestillgottoleave.Myfather

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andpreceptorhavenorightsoverme.TheminutetheystartinfringingonmyrightsistheminuteIgetupandgo.’

Andintheendtheyletmego.Soatoneintheafternoon,onadayinearlyDecember,Isetout,carryingmy

necessarybelongings,alone.Myfatheraccompaniedmeasfarasthemiddleofafield.There,whenwehadsaidourgoodbyes,wepartedways.

ThatdayIwalked,passingthetownofMuangSaamSib,allthewaytoUbon.Onmyarrival,IwastoldthatAjaanMunwasstayingatthevillageofKutLaad,alittleovertenkilometersoutsidethecity.Again,Isetoutonfoottofindhim.ItsohappenedthatPhraBarikhut,aformerDistrictOfficialinMuangSaamSibwhohadbeendismissedfromgovernmentserviceandwasmovinghisfamily,drovepastmeinhistruck.Seeingmewalkingaloneonthesideoftheroad,hestoppedandofferedmearideallthewaytotheUbonairport,theturn-offtoKutLaad.EventodayIthinkofhowkindhewastome,atotalstranger.

AtaboutfiveintheeveningIreachedtheforestmonasteryatKutLaad,whereIlearnedthatAjaanMunhadjustreturnedtoWatBurapha.Sothenextmorning,afterbreakfast,IwalkedbacktoUbon.ThereIpaidmyrespectstoAjaanMunandtoldhimmypurposeinseekinghimout.TheadviceandassistancehegavemewerejustwhatIwaslookingfor.Hetaughtmeasingleword—buddho—tomeditateon.Itsohappenedthathewasillatthetime,sohesentmetoBaanThaaWangHin(StonePalaceLanding),averyquietandsecludedareawherePhraAjaanSinghandPhraMahaPinwerestayingalongwithabout40othermonksandnovices.Whilethere,Iwenttolistentotheirsermonseverynight,whichgaverisetotwofeelingswithinme:WhenIthoughtofmypast,I’dfeelillatease;whenIthoughtofthenewthingsIwaslearningandexperiencing,I’dfeelatpeace.Thesetwofeelingswerealwayswithme.

IbecamefriendswithtwoothermonkswithwhomIstayed,ate,meditated,anddiscussedmyexperiences:AjaanKongmaandAjaanSaam.Ikeptatmymeditationallhoursofthedayandnight.AfterawhileItalkedAjaanKongmaintogoingoffandwanderingtogether.Wewentfromvillagetovillage,stayingintheancestralshrines,untilwereachedmyhomevillage.Iwantedtoletmyfatherknowthegoodnews:thatIhadmetAjaanMun,thatthiswasthelifeIwaslookingfor,andthatIhadnointentionofeverreturningtoliveoutmylifethereathome.Ihadoncetoldmyself,‘You’vebeenbornaperson:You’llhavetoworkyourwayuptobebetterthanotherpeople.You’vebeenordainedamonk:You’llhavetotrytobebetterthanthemonksyou’veknown.’Nowitseemedthatmyhopeswerebeingfulfilled.ThisiswhyIwenthometotellmyfather:‘I’vecometosaygoodbye.I’mgoingforgood.AllmybelongingsI’mhandingovertoyou.AndI’mnevergoingtolayclaimsonanythingofyours.’AlthoughIhadn’tmadeafirmdecisionnevertodisrobe,Ihaddecidednevertoletmyselfbepoor.

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Assoonasmyauntheardthenews,shecametoarguewithme:‘Don’tyouthinkyou’regoingalittletoofar?’SoIansweredher,‘Look,ifIeverdisrobeandcomebacktobegfoodfromyou,youhavemypermissiontocallmeadog.’

NowthatIhadmadeafirmdecision,Itoldmyfather,‘Don’tworryaboutme.WhetherIstayamonkordisrobe,I’llalwaysbesatisfiedwiththetreasuresyou’vealreadygivenme:twoeyes,twoears,anose,amouth,allthe32partsofthebody.It’sanimportantinheritance.Nothingelseyoucouldgivemecouldeverleavemesatisfied.’

Afterthat,IsaidgoodbyeandsetoutforthecityofUbon.ReachingWangTham(CavePalace)Village,though,IfoundAjaanMunstayingintheforestthere,soIjoinedhim,stayingunderhisguidanceforquiteafewdays.

ThiswaswhenIdecidedtore-ordain,thistimeintheDhammayutikasect(thesecttowhichAjaanMunbelonged),inordertomakeacleanbreakwithmypastwrongdoings.WhenIconsultedAjaanMun,heagreedtotheidea,andsohadmepracticemypartintheordinationceremony.WhenIhaditdownpat,hesetout—withmefollowing—wanderingfromdistricttodistrict.

IbecameextremelydevotedtoAjaanMun,becausethereweremanythingsabouthimthathadmeamazed.Forinstance,thereweretimeswhenIwouldhavebeenthinkingaboutsomething,withoutevermentioningittohim,andyethe’dbringupthetopicandseemtoknowexactlywhatmythoughtshadbeen.Eachtimethishappened,myrespectanddevotiontowardhimdeepened.Ipracticedmeditationconstantly,freefrommanyoftheworriesthathadplaguedmeinthepast.

AfterIhadstayedunderAjaanMun’sguidanceforfourmonths,hesetthedateformyreordinationatWatBuraphainthecityofUbon,withPhraPaññabhisaraThera(Nuu)ofWatSraPathum(LotusPondTemple),Bangkok,asmypreceptor;PhraAjaanPhengofWatTai,Ubon,astheAnnouncingTeacher;andAjaanMunhimselfastheInstructingTeacher,whogavemethepreliminaryordinationasanovice.IwasreordainedonMay27,1927,andthefollowingdaybegantoobservestrictlytheasceticpracticeofeatingonlyonemealaday.AfterspendingonenightatWatBurapha,IreturnedtotheforestatStonePalaceLanding.

WhenAjaanMunandPhraPaññabhisaraTherareturnedtoBangkoktospendtheRainsRetreatatWatSraPathum,theyleftmeundertheguidanceofAjaanSinghandAjaanMahaPin.DuringthisperiodIfollowedAjaanSinghandAjaanMahaPinontheirwanderingsthroughthecountryside.TheyhadbeenaskedbyPhrayaTrang,thePrinceofUbon,toteachmoralityandmeditationtothepeopleoftheruralareas.WhenthetimecametoentertheRainsRetreat,westoppedatOxHeadVillageMonasteryinYasothondistrict.Itsohappenedthat

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SomdetPhraMahawirawong,theecclesiasticalheadoftheNortheast,calledAjaanMahaPinbacktothecityofUbon,sointheendonlysixofusspenttherainyseasontogetherinthattownship.

Iwasveryardentinmyeffortstopracticemeditationthatrainyseason,butthereweretimesIcouldn’thelpfeelingalittlediscouragedbecauseallmyteachershadleftme.OccasionallyI’dthinkofdisrobing,butwheneverIfeltthiswaythere’dalwaysbesomethingtobringmebacktomysenses.

Oneday,forinstance,ataboutfiveintheevening,Iwasdoingwalkingmeditation,butmythoughtshadstrayedtowardworldlymatters.Awomanhappenedtowalkpastthemonastery,improvisingasong—’I’veseentheheartofthetydtyybird:It’smouthissinging,tydtyy,tydtyy,butitsheartisoutlookingforcrabs’—soImemorizedhersongandrepeateditoverandover,tellingmyself,‘It’syoushe’ssingingabout.Hereyouare,amonk,tryingtodevelopsomevirtueinsideyourself,andyetyouletyourheartgolookingforworldlymatters.’Ifeltashamedofmyself.IdecidedthatI’dhavetobringmyheartinlinewiththefactthatIwasamonkifIdidn’twantthewoman’ssongtoapplytome.ThewholeincidentthusturnedintoDhamma.

Anumberofothereventsalsohelpedtokeepmealert.Onenightwhenthemoonwasbright,Imadeanagreementwithoneoftheothermonksthatwe’dgowithoutsleepanddosittingandwalkingmeditation.(Thatrainyseasonthereweresixofusaltogether,fivemonksandonenovice.IhadmadearesolutionthatI’dhavetodobetterthanalltherestofthem.Forinstance,ifanyofthemwereabletogetbyononlytenmouthfulsoffoodaday,I’dhavetogetbyoneight.Ifanyofthemcouldsitinmeditationforthreehoursstraight,I’dhavetositforfive.Ifanyofthemcoulddowalkingmeditationforanhour,I’dhavetowalkfortwo.Ifeltthiswayabouteverythingwedid,andyetitseemedthatIwasabletoliveuptomyresolution.ThiswasasecretIkepttomyself.)

Atanyrate,thatnightItoldmyfriend,‘Let’sseewho’sbetteratdoingsittingandwalkingmeditation.’Soweagreed,‘WhenIdowalkingmeditation,youdosittingmeditation;andwhenIdosittingmeditation,youdowalkingmeditation.Let’sseewhocanlastlonger.’Whenitcamemyturntodowalkingmeditation,myfriendwenttositinahutnexttothepathwhereIwaswalking.Nottoolongafterwards,Iheardaloudthudcomingfrominsidethehut,soIstoppedtoopenthewindowandpeekin.Sureenough,therehewas,lyingonhisbackwithhisfoldedlegsstickingupintheair.Hehadbeensittinginfulllotusposition,gottensleepy,andhadsimplyfallenbackwardsandgonetosleep.Iwaspracticallydroppingofftosleepmyself,buthadkeptgoingoutofthesimpledesiretowin.Ifeltembarrassedformyfriend’ssake—’I’dhatetobeinhisplace,’Ithought—butatthesametimewaspleasedIhadwon.

Allofthesethingsservedtoteachmealesson:‘Thisiswhathappenstopeople

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whoaren’ttrueinwhattheydo.’Attheendoftherains,thegroupsplitup,eachofusgoingofftowander

alone,stayingincemeteries.Duringthisperioditseemedthatmymeditationwasgoingverywell.Mymindcouldsettledowntoaveryrefinedlevel,andoneverystrangethingthathadneverhappenedbeforewasbeginningtohappen:Whenmymindwasreallygoodandquiet,knowledgewouldsuddenlycometome.Forexample,eventhoughIhadneverstudiedPali,IcouldnowtranslatemostofthechantsIhadmemorized:mostoftheBuddha-guna,forinstance,theCulaParitta,andtheAbhidhammaSankhepa.ItseemedthatIwasbecomingfairlyexpertintheDhamma.IftherewasanythingIwantedtoknow,allIhadtodowasmakemymindverystill,andtheknowledgewouldcometomewithoutmyhavingtothinkoverthematter.Whenthishappened,IwenttoconsultAjaanKongma.Heexplainedtome,‘TheBuddhaneverstudiedhowtowritebooksorgivesermonsfromanyoneelse.Hefirstpracticedmeditationandtheknowledgearosewithinhisheart.OnlythendidheteachtheDhammathathasbeencopieddowninthescriptures.Sothewayyou’vecometoknowwithinyourselflikethisisn’twrong.’Hearingthis,Ifeltextremelypleased.

Attheendoftherains,Ithoughtofgoingtoseemyfatheragain,becauseIfeltthattherewasstillalotofunfinishedbusinessathome.Settingoutonfoot,IreachedBaanNoanDaeng(RedHillVillage),whereIstayedattheancestralspiritshrine.Whenthevillagepeoplefoundmealoneintheforestthere,theysentwordtomyfather.Earlythenextmorninghecametoseeme,havingsetoutfromhomeinthemiddleofthenight.Hehadpreparedfoodforme,asbestheknewhow,butIcouldn’teatit,noteventopleasehim.IwassorryIcouldn’t,butIwasnowfollowingthemonasticdisciplinestrictly—andit’samatterthatshouldbefollowedstrictly:theruleagainsteatingfleshfromananimalkilledspecificallyforthesakeoffeedingamonk.Afterwards,wheneverIthoughtaboutit,I’dstartfeelingsosorryformyfatherthattearswouldcometomyeyes.Whenhesawthathissonthemonkwouldn’teatthefoodhehadprepared,hetookitoffandateithimself.

Whenhehadfinished,Ifollowedhimbacktomyhomevillage,wherethistimeIstayedfirstinthecemetery,andthenlaterinanotherspotintheforestwherethespiritsweresaidtobeveryfierce.Istayedthereforweeks,deliveringsermonstopeoplewhocamefrommanyofthesurroundingvillages,andIdidawaywithalotoftheirmistakenbeliefsandpractices:beliefinsorcery,theworshipofdemonsandspirits,andtheuseofvariousspellsthatBuddhismcalls‘bestialknowledge.’IhelpedwipeoutagoodnumberofthefearsmyfriendsandrelativesinthevillagehadconcerningthespiritsintheruinsnearthevillageandthespiritsinthespotwhereIwasstaying.WeexorcisedthembyrecitingBuddhistchantsandspreadingthoughtsofgoodwillthroughoutthearea.

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Duringtheday,we’dburntheritualobjectsusedforworshipingspirits.Somedaysthere’dbenothingbutsmokethewholedaylong.ItaughtthepeopleinthevillagetotakerefugeintheBuddha,Dhamma,andSangha,toreciteBuddhistchantsandtomeditate,insteadofgettinginvolvedwithspiritsanddemons.

TherewasanotherpracticeIhadseenalotofinthepastthatstruckmeaspointless,andsowefiguredoutawaytowipeitout:thebeliefthattheancestralspiritsinthevillagehadtoeatanimalflesheveryyear.Onceayear,whentheseasoncamearound,eachhouseholdwouldhavetosacrificeachicken,aduck,orapig.Altogetherthismeantthatinoneyearhundredsoflivingcreatureshadtodieforthesakeofthespirits,becausetherewouldalsobetimeswhenpeoplewouldmakesacrificestocureanillnessinthefamily.Allofthisstruckmeasasenselesswaste.Ifthespiritsreallydidexist,that’snotthesortoffoodtheywouldeat.Itwouldbefarbettertomakemeritanddedicateittothespirits.Iftheydidn’tacceptthat,thendrivethemawaywiththeauthorityoftheDhamma.

SoIorderedthepeopletoburnalltheancestralshrines.Whensomeofthevillagersbegantolosenerveforfearthattherewouldbenothingtoprotecttheminthefuture,Iwrotedownthechantforspreadinggoodwill,andgaveacopytoeveryoneinthevillage,guaranteeingthatnothingwouldhappen.I’vesincelearnedthatalloftheareaaroundtheancestralshrinesisnowplantedwithcrops,andthatthespotintheforestwherethespiritsweresaidtobefierceisnowanewvillage.

AsIstayedthereforquiteawhile,teachingthepeopleinthevillage,wordbegantospread.Somepeoplebecamejealousandtriedinvariouswaystodrivemeaway.Onedaythreeoftheleadingmonksintheareawereinvitedtogiveasermondebate.Iwasinvitedasthefourth.Thethreemonkswere:PhraKhruVacisunthorn,theecclesiasticalheadofMuangSaamSibdistrict;PreceptorLui,theecclesiasticalheadofAmnaadJaroendistrict;AjaanWaw,whohadknowledgeofPali.Andthentherewasme.Thenightbeforethedebate,Itoldmyself,‘It’sgoingtobeaknockdown,drag-outbattletomorrow.Whoevertakesyouon,andhowevertheydoit,don’tletyourselfbefazedintheleast.’Alotofpeoplewenttohearthedebate,butintheenditallpassedpeacefullywithoutanyincident.

Still,therewereanumberofmonksandlaypeopleintheareawho,thinkingIwasnothingbutabraggart,kepttryingtocreatetroubleandmisunderstandingsbetweenothermonksandme.OnedayNaiChai,claimingtorepresentthehouseholdersinYaangYoPhaabtownship,wenttotheofficesoftheDistrictOfficialanddenouncedmeasavagrant.Thissimplyincreasedmydeterminationtostay.‘Ihaven’tdoneanythingevilorwrongsincecominghere.Nomatterhowtheycomeatme,I’mgoingtostickitouttotheveryend.’TheoutcomeofitallwasthattheDistrictEducationOfficerhadnoauthoritytodrivemeoutofthe

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village.Itoldthepeoplethatiftherewasanymoreofthissortofbusiness,Iwouldn’tleaveuntilmynamehadbeencleared.

OnedaytheDistrictOfficialhimselfcameouttocheckuponsomegovernmentbusiness,andspentthenightinthevillage.Thevillageheadman,arelativeofmine,toldhimaboutallthathadbeenhappening.TheDistrictOfficial’sresponsewasthis:‘It’sararemonkwhowillteachthelaypeoplelikethis.Lethimstayaslongashelikes.’Fromthatpointon,therewerenomoreincidents.

AFTERAWHILE,ItookleaveofmyrelativesandsetoutforYasothon.ThereImetAjaanSinghwithafollowingof80monksandnovicesstayingintheYasothoncemetery,thespotwherethejailisnowstanding.SoonafterwardsalettercamefromPhraPhisanasarakhun,theecclesiasticalheadofKhonKaenprovinceatWatSrijan(SplendorousMoonTemple),invitingAjaanSinghtoKhonKaen.SothecitizensofYasothon—headedbyAjaanRin,AjaanDaeng,andAjaanOntaa—rentedtwobuses,andweallsetoutforKhonKaen.AjaanBot,thefirstmeditationmonkIhadmet,wentalongaswell.ThefirstnightwespentinRoiEt;andthesecondatAncestorHillinMahaSarakham,aspotwherethelocalpeoplesaidthespiritswerefierce.CrowdsofpeoplecametolistentoAjaanSingh’ssermons.

IbegantorealizethatIwasn’tgoingtofindanypeaceandquietinthesecircumstances,soItookmyleaveofAjaanSinghand,accompaniedbyanovice,wenttovisitmyrelatives—KhunMahaWichai,anuncleonmymother’ssideofthefamily—inNamPhongdistrict.WhenIarrivedthereIfoundanumberoffamiliesinthearearelatedtome.Theywereallgladtoseemeandgatheredaroundtoasknewsofthefolksbackhome.TheyfixedupaplaceinaforestofgianttreesonthebankoftheNamPhongRiver,andthereIstayedforquiteafewdays.ThenovicewhohadcomewithmetookhisleavetovisithisrelativesbackhomeinSakonNakhorn,soIstayedonaloneintheforest,whichwasfullofnothingbutmonkeys.

AfterawhileIbegantodevelopapersistentheadacheandearache.ItoldmyAuntNgoenaboutthis,andshesentmetoseeanephewofhers,apolicemaninPhondistrict.HeinturnhadadrivertakemetoNakhornRatchasima,wereIstayedatWatSakae.Ispentthreedayslookingformyrelativesthere,butcouldn’tfindthem.ThereasonIwantedtofindmyrelativeswasthatIhadmyheartsetongoingtoBangkoktotakecareofmyillnessandtofindAjaanMun.Finallyarickshawdrivertookmetothegovernmenthousingsettlementforrailwayofficials,whereImetmycousin,MaeWandee,thewifeofKhunKai.EveryoneseemedgladtoseemeandaskedmetostayontospendtheRainsRetreatthereinNakhornRatchasima.Ididn’taccepttheirinvitation,though,

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becauseasItoldthem,IwassetongoingtoBangkok.SomycousinboughtmeatraintickettoHuaLamphongStationinBangkok.

AsthetrainpassedthroughthePhayaYenJungleandburstoutintotheopenfieldsofSaraburi,IthoughtofmyelderbrotherwhohadafamilyattheNawngTaaLowatergate,theoneIhadvisitedbackwhenIwasstillalayman.SowhenwestoppedatBaanPhachijunction,Igotoffandwalkedallthewaytomybrother’shouse.Onarriving,though,IlearnedthathehadtakenhisfamilyandmovedtoNakhornSawanprovince.TheonlypeopleleftthatIknewinthevillageweresomefriendsandolderpeople.IstayedthereuntiltheendofMay,whenItoldmyfriendsofmyplanstogotoBangkok.Theyboughtmeaticketandaccompaniedmetothestation.ItookthetrainallthewaytoBangkokandgotoffwhenitarrivedatHuaLampongStation.

NeverbeforeinmylifehadIeverbeentoBangkok.IhadnoideaofhowtofindmywaytoWatSraPathum,soIcalledarickshawdriverandaskedhim,‘HowmuchwillyouchargetotakemetoWatSraPathum?’

‘Fiftysatang.’‘Fiftysatang?Whysomuch?WatSraPathumispracticallyjustaroundthe

corner!’Sointheendhetookmeforfifteensatang.WhenIreachedWatSraPathum,Ipaidmyrespectstomypreceptor,who

toldmethatChaoKhunUpalihadinvitedAjaanMuntospendtherainsinChiengMai.Soasitturnedout,IspenttherainsthatyearatWatSraPathum.

Myquarterswerequiteawaysawayfrommypreceptor’s.ImadearesolutionthatRainsRetreattopracticemediationasIalwayshad,andatthesametimenottoneglectanyofmydutiesinthetempleor,unlessitwasreallyunavoidable,anyoftheservicesanewmonkissupposedtoperformforhispreceptor.

Iwasverystrictinpracticingmeditationthatyear,keepingtomyselfmostofthetime,myonethoughtbeingtomaintainstillnessofmind.Itookpartinthemorningandeveningchantingservices,andattendedtomypreceptoreverymorningandlateafternoon.Ihadnoticedthatthewayhewaslivingleftalargeopeningformetoattendtohiminawaythatappealedtome—noonewaslookingafterhisbedding,cleaninghisspittoons,arranginghisbetelnut,keepinghismatsandsittingclothsinorder:Thiswasmyopening.

SofromthatpointonIobservedmydutiestowardmypreceptorasbestIcould.AfterawhileIfeltthatIwasservinghimtohissatisfactionandhadfoundaplaceinhisaffections.Attheendoftherainsheaskedmetotakeontheresponsibilityoflivinginandwatchingoverthetemplestorehouse,theGreenHall,wherehetookhismeals.AlthoughIhadsetmymindontreatinghimasafather,Ihadneverdreamedthatbeingloyalandgoodcouldhavedangerslike

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this.Soatthebeginningofthehotseason,Itookleaveofmypreceptortogoout

andfindsomeseclusionintheforest.IleftBangkok,passingthroughAyutthaya,Saraburi,Lopburi,Takhli,Phukhao,Phukhaa,allthewaytoNakhornSawanwhere,passingthroughThaaTakodistrictandaroundBoraphetLake,Ireachedmybrother’splace.ThereImetnotonlymybrother,butalsomanyoldfriendsfromthedaysbackwhenIwasstillalayman.

DuringmystayinNakhornSawan,Ilivedinaforestabouthalfakilometerfromthevillage.OnedayIheardthecallsoftwoelephantsfighting,oneawildelephantandtheotheradomesticatedelephantinrut.Theybattledforthreedaysrunninguntilthewildelephantcouldnolongerputupafightanddied.Withthat,theelephantinrutwentinsane,runningwildthroughtheforestwhereIwasstaying,chasingpeopleandgoringthemwithhistusks.Theowneroftheelephant—KhunJop—andotherpeopleintheareacametoinvitemetotakeshelterinthevillage,butIwouldn’tgo.EventhoughIwassomewhatafraid,Idecidedtodependonmypowersofenduranceandmybeliefinthepowerofgoodwill.

Thenoneday,ataboutfourintheafternoon,theelephantcamerunningtotheclearingwhereIwasstayingandcametoastopabout40metersfrommyhut.Atthetime,Iwassittinginthehut,meditating.Hearinghiscalls,Istuckmyheadoutandsawhimstandingthereinafrighteningstancewithhisearsbackandhistusksgleamingwhite.Thethoughtoccurredtome:‘Ifhecomesrunningthisway,he’llbeonmeinlessthanthreeminutes.’Andwiththat,Ilostmynerve.Ijumpedoutofthehutandranforalargetreeaboutsixmetersaway.ButjustasIreacheditandhadtakenmyfirststepupthetrunk,asoundlikeapersonwhisperingcametomyears:‘You’renotforreal.You’reafraidtodie.Whoever’safraidtodiewillhavetodieagain.’Hearingthis,Iletgoofthetreeandhurriedbacktothehut.Igotintoahalf-lotuspositionand,withmyeyesopen,satfacingtheelephantandmeditating,spreadingthoughtsofgoodwill.

Whileallthiswashappening,Icouldhearthevillagerscryingandyellingtooneanother:‘Thatmonk(meaningme)isreallyinafix.Isn’tanybodygoingtohelphim?’Butthatwasalltheydid,cryandyell.Noone—notevenasingleperson—hadthecouragetocomeanywherenearme.

Isatthereforabouttenminutes,radiatingthoughtsofgoodwill.Finallytheelephantflappeditsearsupanddownafewtimes,turnedaround,andwalkedbackintotheforest.AfewmomentslaterIgotupfromwhereIwassittingandwalkedoutoftheforestintotheopenricefields.KhunJopandtheotherscamethrongingaroundme,amazedthatIhadcomethroughwithoutmishap.

Thenextday,crowdsofpeoplefromallovertheareacametoseemeandto

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askfor‘goodthings’:amulets.Thewordwasthatbecausetheelephanthadbeenafraidtocomenearme,Iwassuretohavesomegoodstrongamulets.Seeingallthecommotion,Idecidedtocutshortmystay,soafewdayslaterIsaidgoodbyetomyrelativesandheadedbacktoBangkok.

IreachedWatSraPathuminthemonthofMay.Duringthis,mysecondRainsRetreatthere,mypreceptorhadmetakeoverthetempleaccountsfromPhraBaitikaBunrawd.Atthesametime,mycompanionstalkedmeintostudyingfortheThirdLevelDhammaexams.ThismeantthatIhadalotofaddedburdens.Notonlywastheremypreceptortoattendto,butalsothetempleaccountsandinventoriestokeep.Ontopofthat,IhadtostudyDhammatextbooksandkeepupmymeditation.Withalltheseaddedresponsibilities,mystateofmindbegantogrowabitslack.Thiscanbegaugedbythefactthatthefirstyear,whenanyoftheotheryoungmonkscametotalktomeaboutworldlymatters—womenandwealth—Ireallyhatedit,butthesecondyearIbegantolikeit.MythirdyearatWatSraPathumIbegantostudyPaligrammar,afterhavingpassedtheThirdLevelDhammaexamsin1929.Myresponsibilitieshadbecomeheavier—andIwasgettingprettyactiveatdiscussingworldlymatters.Butwhenmywayoflifebegantoreachthispoint,therewereanumberofevents,bothinsideandoutsidethetemple,thathelpedbringmetomysenses.

Oneday,towardtheendofthesecondRainsRetreat,Idiscoveredthatmorethan900bahthaddisappearedfromthetempleaccounts.FordaysIcheckedoverthebooksbutcouldn’tfindwhereithadgone.NormallyImadeapracticeofreportingtomypreceptoronthefirstofeachmonth,butwhenthefirstofthemonthcamearoundthistime,Ididn’tgotoseehim.Iquestionedeveryonewhoworkedwithme,buttheyalldeniedhavinganyknowledgeofthemissingfunds.Finallyanotherpossibilityoccurredtome:NaiBun,astudentwhoattendedtomypreceptor.SomemorningshewouldaskforthekeytotheGreenHalltokeepwhileIwentoutonmyalmsround.SoIaskedPhraBaitikaBunrawdtoquestionNaiBun,whofinallyadmittedtohavingstolenthemoneywhileIwasout.

Thewholeaffairwasmypreceptor’sfault.Onemorninghehadbeeninvitedtoacceptsomedonationsonthedayfollowingacremationatthehouseofanobleman,buthisceremonialfanandshoulderbagwerekeptinmyroom,andbecauseIhadgoneoutforalmsandtakenthekeywithme,hecouldn’tgettothem.SofromthenonhetoldmetoleavethekeywithNaiBuneverymorningbeforegoingoutforalms,andthiswashowthemoneyhaddisappeared.IwasluckythatNaiBunhadadmittedhisguilt.Iwentbacktocheckthebookscarefullyanddiscoveredthat,ofthemissingfunds,morethan700bahthadcomefromthetemplefunds,andtheremainderfrommypreceptor’spersonalfunds.

SoonOctober5th,nowthateverythingwasinorder,Iwenttotellmyclosestfriends,PhraBaitikaBunrawdandPhraChyam,‘I’mgoingtomakeareportto

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theabbotatfiveo’clocktoday.’‘Don’t,’PhraChyamsaid.‘I’llmakeupforthemissingmoneymyself.’Iappreciatedhisofferbutdidn’tthinkitwasagoodidea.Itwouldbebetterto

beopenandaboveboardaboutthewholeaffair.Otherwisetheboywouldstartdevelopingbadhabits.

Mypreceptorhadgottencrosswithbothofmyfriendsoverthetemplebooksmanytimesbefore,sowhenthetimecameformetomakemyreport,theywenttohideintheirquarters,shuttingtheirdoorstight,leavingmetofacemypreceptoralone.BeforeImademyreport,IwenttotheGreenHall,sweptandscrubbedthefloor,preparedthebetelnut,spreadoutasittingmatformypreceptor,andthensattherewaitingforhim.Alittleafterfouro’clock,heleftthelargenewsetofquartersbuiltforhimbyLadyTalap,wifeofChaoPhrayaYomaraj,andcametositintheGreenHall.Whenhehadfinishedhisteaandbetelnut,Iapproachedhimtomakemyreportaboutthemissingfunds.BeforeIhadevenfinishedmyfirstsentence,hegotcross.‘Whyhaveyouwaitedtillthefifththismonthtomakeyourreport?Usuallyyoumakeitonthefirst.’

‘ThereasonIdidn’tcomeonthefirst,’Ianswered,‘wasbecauseIhadsomedoubtsabouttheaccountsandthepeopleinvolved.ButnowI’msurethatthemoneyisreallymissing—andI’vefoundtheguiltyparty.’

‘Who?’heasked.‘NaiBun,’Ianswered.‘He’salreadyconfessed.’‘Bringhimhere,’heordered,andthenadded,‘Thisisembarrassing.Don’tlet

wordofthisgetout.’SoPhraBaitikaBunrawdfetchedNaiBun,whoadmittedhisguilttomy

preceptor.ThefinaloutcomewasthatNaiBunhadtomakeupforthemissingfunds.

Nowthatthiswasalltakencareof,IaskedtoresignmypositionsothatIcouldgoofftotheforesttomeditate.Beforetheaffairhadbeensettled,therehadbeenonenightwhenIcouldn’tgetanysleepallnightlong.AllIcouldthinkofwasthatIwouldhavetodisrobeandgetajobtomakeupforthemissingfunds.Atthesametime,Ididn’twanttodisrobe.Thesetwothoughtsfoughtbackandforthinmyminduntildawn.ButwhenIbroachedtheideaofresigningwithmypreceptor,hewouldn’tletmego.

‘I’manoldmannow,’hesaid,‘andasidefromyouthere’snooneIcantrusttolookafterthingsforme.You’llhavetostayhereforthetimebeing.’

SoIhadtostickitoutforanotheryear.

THETHIRDRAINSRETREAT,mypreceptorhadmecomestayinhis

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newquarterstohelpfixuptheplaceandassisthimwithhishobby:repairingclocks.MyolddutiesIwasabletopassontoPhraChyam,whichwassomethingofaloadoffmymind.Butlookingatthestateofmymeditation,Icouldseethatmypracticehadgrownslack.Iwasbecomingmoreandmoreinterestedinworldlymatters.SoIdecidedtoputupafight.Onedayitoccurredtome,‘IfIstayonhereinthecity,I’llhavetodisrobe.IfIstayamonk,I’llhavetoleavethecityandgointotheforest.’Thesetwothoughtsbecamethethemeofmymeditationdayandnight.

OnedayIwentuptoahollowspaceatthetopofthechediandsatinmeditation.Thethemeofmymeditationwas,‘ShouldIstayorshouldIdisrobe?’Somethinginsidemesaid,‘I’dratherdisrobe.’SoIquestionedmyself,‘Thisplacewhereyou’relivingnow,prosperousineveryway,withitsbeautifulhomesandstreets,withitscrowdsofpeople:Whatdotheycallit?’AndIanswered,‘PhraNakhorn—theGreatMetropolis,i.e.,HeavenonEarth.’

‘Andwherewereyouborn?’‘IwasborninDoubleMarshVillage,MuangSaamSib,UbonRatchathani.

AndnowthatI’vecometotheGreatMetropolisIwanttodisrobe.’‘AndinDoubleMarshVillagewhatdidyoueat?Howdidyoulive?Howdid

peoplemaketheirliving?Andwhatdidyouwear?Andwhatweretheroadsandhouseslike?’

NothingatallliketheGreatMetropolis.‘Sothisprosperityhere:Whatbusinessisitofyours?’ThiswaswhenIanswered,‘ThepeopleintheGreatMetropolisaren’tdeva-

sonsordeva-daughtersoranything.They’repeopleandI’maperson,sowhycan’tImakemyselfbelikethem?’

IquestionedmyselfbackandforthlikethisforseveraldaysrunninguntilIfinallydecidedtocallahalt.IfIwasgoingtodisrobe,I’dhavetomakepreparations.Otherpeople,beforedisrobing,gotpreparedbyhavingclothesmadeandsoforth,butIwasgoingtodoitdifferently.Iwasgoingtoleavethemonkhoodinmymindfirsttoseewhatitwouldbelike.

Solateinthequietofamoonlitnight,Iclimbeduptositinsidethechediandaskedmyself,‘IfIdisrobe,whatwillIdo?’Icameupwiththefollowingstory.

IfIdisrobe,I’llhavetoapplyforajobasaclerkinthePhenPhaagSnuffandStomachMedicineCompany.Ihadafriendwhohaddisrobedandgottenajobthere,earning20bahtamonth,soitmadesenseformetoapplyforajobtheretoo.I’dsetmymindonbeinghonestandhard-workingsothatmyemployerwouldbesatisfiedwithmywork.IwasdeterminedthatwhereverIlived,I’dhavetoactinsuchawaythatthe

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peopleIlivedwithwouldthinkhighlyofme.Asitturnedout,thedrugcompanyfinallyhiredmeat20bahtamonth,

thesamesalaryasmyfriend.Imadeupmymindtobudgetmysalarysoastohavemoneyleftoverattheendofeachmonth,soIrentedaroomintheflatsownedbyPhrayaPhakdiinthePratuuNam(Watergate)sectionoftown.Therentwasfourbahtamonth.Water,electricity,clothing,andfoodwouldadduptoanotherelevenbaht,leavingmewithanextrafivebahtattheendofeachmonth.

Mysecondyearonthejobmybosscametolikeandtrustmesomuchthatheraisedmysalaryto30bahtamonth.Takingoutmyexpenses,Iwasleftwith15bahtamonth.Finallyhewassocontentwithmyworkthathemademesupervisorofalltheworkers,witha40bahtsalary,plusacutoftheprofits,addingupaltogetherto50bahtamonth.AtthispointIwasfeelingveryproudofmyself,becauseIwasmakingasmuchastheDistrictOfficialbackhome.Andasformyfriendsbackhome,Iwasinapositionwayabovethemall.SoIdecideditwastimetogetmarriedsothatIcouldtakeabeautifulyoungBangkokbridebackhomeforavisit,whichwouldpleasemyrelativesnoend.Thiswaswhenmyplansseemedtotakeonalittleclass.

SonowthatIwasgoingtogetmarried,whatsortofpersonwouldshebe?ImadeupmymindthatthewomanImarriedwouldhavetohavethethreeattributesofagoodwife:

1.She’dhavetocomefromagoodfamily.2.She’dhavetobeinlineforaninheritance.3.She’dhavetobegood-lookingandhaveapleasingmanner.

OnlyifawomanhadthesethreeattributeswouldIbewillingtomarryher.SoIaskedmyself,‘Whereareyougoingtofindawomanlikethis,andhowwillyougettoknowher?’Thisiswherethingsbegantogetcomplicated.Itriedthinkingupallsortsofschemes,butevenifIactuallydidmeetsuchawoman,shewouldn’tbeinterestedinme.Thewomenwhowouldbeinterestedinmeweren’tthesortI’dwanttomarry.Thinkingaboutthis,I’dsometimesheaveaheavysigh,butIwasn’twillingtogivein.

Finallyitoccurredtome,‘Wealthypeoplesendtheirdaughterstothehigh-classschools,liketheBackPalaceSchoolorMrs.Cole’s.Whydon’tIgohavealookaroundtheseschoolsinthemorningbeforeclassesandintheeveningwhenschoolletsout?’

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Sothat’swhatIdid,untilInoticedanattractivegirl,thedaughterofaPhraya.Thewayshewalkedandthewayshedressedreallyappealedtome.Iarrangedsothatourpathscrossedeveryday.InmyhandIcarriedalittlenotethatIthrewdowninfrontofher.Thefirsttime,shedidn’tpaymeanyattention.Dayafterdayourpathscrossed.Sometimesoureyeswouldmeet,sometimesI’dstandinherway,sometimesshe’dsmileatme.Whenthishappened,Imadeitapointtohavehergetmynote.

Finallywegottoknoweachother.ImadeadateforhertoskipschoolthenextdaysothatIcouldshowheraroundtown.Astimepassedwecametoknoweachother,tolikeeachother,toloveeachother.Wetoldeachotherourlifestories—thethingsthathadmadeushappyandthethingsthathadmadeussad—fromtheverybeginninguptothepresent.Ihadasalariedjobatnolessthan50bahtamonth.ShehadfinishedthesixthyearofsecondaryschoolandwasthedaughterofaverywealthyPhraya.Herlooks,hermanner,andherconductwereeverythingIhadbeenhopingfor.

Finallyweagreedtobecomemarriedsecretly.Becausewelovedeachother,Igottosleepwithherbeforehand.Shewasagoodperson,sobeforeweweretobeofficiallymarried,shetoldherparents.Furious,theythrewheroutofthehouse.

Soshecametolivewithmeasmywife.Iwasn’ttooupsetbywhatherparentshaddone,forIwasdeterminedtoworkmywayintotheiraffections.

Wewenttorentaflatinabetterdistrict,theSraPathumWatergatearea.Therentherewassixbahtamonth.MywifegotajobatthesamecompanywhereIwasworking,startingoutat20bahtamonth,butshesoongotaraiseto30amonth.Together,then,weweremaking80amonth,whichpleasedme.

Astimepassed,mypositionadvanced.Myemployertrustedmecompletelyandattimeswouldhavemetakeoverhisdutiesinhisabsence.BothmywifeandIweredeterminedtobehonestanduprightinourdealingswiththecompany,andultimatelyourearnings—oursalariesplusmypercentageoftheprofits—reached100amonth.AtthispointIfeltIcouldbreatheeasy,butmydreamsstillhadn’tbeenfulfilled.

SoIbegantobuypresents—goodthingstoeatandothernicethings—totaketomyparents-in-lawtoshowmygoodintentionstowardthem.Afterawhiletheybegantoshowsomeinterestinmeandeventuallyhadusmoveintotheirhouse.AtthispointIwasreallypleased:Iwassuretobeinlineforpartoftheinheritance.Butlivingtogetherforawhilerevealedcertainthingsaboutmybehaviorthatrubbedmyparents-in-lawthewrong

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way,sointheendtheydroveusoutofthehouse.Wewentbacktoliveinaflat,asbefore.

Thiswaswhenmywifebecamepregnant.Notwantinghertodoanyhardwork,Ihiredaservantwomantolookafterthehouseandhelpwiththehousework.Hiredhelpinthosedayswasverycheap—onlyfourbahtamonth.

Asmywifecameclosertogivingbirth,shebegantomissworkmoreandmoreoften.Ihadtokeepatmyjob.OnenightIsatdowntolookoverourbudget.The100bahtwehadonceearnedwasprobablyasmuchaswe’deverearn.Ihadnofurtherhopesforaraise.Ourexpensesweremountingeveryday:onebahtamonthforelectricity;1.50bahtforwater;charcoalandriceeachatleastsixbahtamonth;thehelp,fourbahtamonth;andontopofitall,thecostofourclothing.

Aftermywifegavebirth,ourexpensesmountedstillhigher.Shewasn’tabletowork,sowelostherpercentageoftheprofits.Afterawhileshebecameillandmissedworkforanextendedperiod.Myemployercuthersalarybackto15bahtamonth.Ourmedicalbillsrose.Mywife’ssalarywasn’tenoughforherneeds,soshehadtocutintomine.Myoldsalaryof50bahtwasnowcompletelygonebytheendofeachmonth.

Intheend,mywife’sillnessprovedfatal.Ihadtoborrow50bahtfrommyemployer—which,alongwithmyownsavingsof50,wenttowardherfuneralexpenses,whichtotaled80baht.Iwasthenleftwith20bahtandasmallchildtoraise.

WhatwasItodonow?Before,Ihadbreathedeasily.Nowitseemedasiflifewasclosinginonme.Iwenttoseemyparents-in-law,buttheygavemethecoldshoulder.SoIhiredawetnurseforthechild.Thewetnursewasalow-classwoman,butshetookawfullygoodcareofthechild.Thisledmetofeelloveandaffectiontowardher,andultimatelyshebecamemysecondwife.

Mynewwifehadabsolutelynoeducation—shecouldn’tevenreadorwrite.Myincomeatthispointwasnowonly50baht—enoughjusttogetby.Afterawhilemynewwifebecamepregnant.Ididmybesttomakesureshedidn’thavetodoanyheavywork,andIdideverythingIcouldtobegoodtoher,butIcouldn’thelpfeelingalittledisappointedthatlifehadturnedoutsodifferentlyfrommyoriginalplans.Aftermynewwifegavebirth,webothhelpedtoraisethechildrenuntilbothmyfirstwife’schildandmynewwife’schildwereoldenoughtofeedandtakecareofthemselves.

Thiswaswhenmynewwifestartedactingfunny—playingfavorites,

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givingallherloveandattentiontoherownchild,andnonetomyfirst.Myfirstchildstartedcomingtocomplaintomeallthetimethatmynewwifehadbeenunfairinthiswayorthat.Sometimesthetwochildrenwouldstartfighting.AttimesI’dcomehomefromworkandmyfirstchildwouldruntomewithoneversionofwhathadhappened,mysecondchildwouldhaveanotherversion,andmywifestillanother.Ididn’tknowwhomtosidewith.ItwasasifIwasstandinginthemiddle,andmywifeandchildrenwerepullingmeoffinthreedifferentdirections.Mynewchildwantedmetobuythisorthat—eventuallymywifeandchildrenstartedcompetingwithoneanothertoseewhowouldgettoeatthebestfood,wearthebestclothes,andsquanderthemostmoney.ItgotsothatIcouldn’tsitdownandtalkwithanyofthematall.Mysalarywasbeingeatenupeverymonth;myfamilylifewaslikefallingintoathornpatch.

FinallyIdecidedtocallahalt.Mywifewasn’twhatIhadhopedfor,myearningsweren’twhatIhadhopedfor,mychildrenweren’twhatIhadhopedfor,soIleftmywife,wasreordainedandreturnedtothecontemplativelife.WhenIcametotheendofthestory,myinterestinworldlyaffairsvanished.

Thesensethatlifewasclosinginonmedisappeared.IfeltasfreeasifIwereupfloatinginthesky.Somethinginsidemesighed,‘Ah!’withrelief.Itoldmyselfthatifthiswasthewaythingswouldbe,I’ddobetternottodisrobe.Myolddesiretodisrobewasreducedabout50to60percent.

Throughoutthisperiodanumberofothereventsoccurredthathelpedturnmythoughtsintherightdirection.SomenightsI’ddreamthatmyoldmeditationteachershadcometoseeme:Sometimesthey’dbefiercewithme,sometimesthey’dscoldme.Buttherewerefourevents—you’dhavetocallthemstrange,andtheycertainlywereimportantinchangingmythinking.Ihavetobegthereader’spardonformentioningthem,though,becausethere’snothingatallpleasantaboutthem.Butbecausetheyweregoodlessons,Ifeeltheyshouldgoonrecord.

Thefirstevent:DuringtheperiodwhenIwasspendingmynightsthinkingaboutworldlymatters,therewasonedayIstartedfeelingconstipated,sothatafternoonItookalaxative,figuringthatifthemedicineactedasithadbefore,I’dhavetogotothebathroomatabout9p.m.Forsomereason,itdidn’twork.ThenextmorningIwentformyalmsrounddownthelanetoSraPathumPalace.JustasIwascomingtoahousewheretheyhadpreparedfoodtogivetothemonks,allofasuddenIhadtogotothebathroomsobadlyIcouldhardlystandit.Icouldn’tevenwalktothehousetoaccepttheirfood.AllIcoulddowasholdmyselfinandwalkinlittlepigeonstepsuntilIcametoanacaciagrovebythe

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sideoftheroad.Iplunkeddownmybowlandhurriedthroughthefenceintothegrove.Iwantedtosinkmyheaddownintothegroundanddierightthere.WhenIhadfinished,Ileftthegrove,pickedupmyalmsbowl,andfinishedmyround.ThatdayIdidn’tgetenoughtoeat.Returningtothetemple,Iwarnedmyself,‘Thisiswhatit’sgoingtobelikeifyoudisrobe.Nobody’sgoingtofixfoodtoputinyourbowl.’Thewholeeventwasreallyagoodlesson.

Thesecondevent:OnedayIwentoutearlyonmyalmsround.IcrossedElephantHeadBridge,passedSaamYaek,andturneddownPhetburiRoad.Therewasnoonetoplaceevenaspoonfulofriceinmybowl.ItsohappenedthatasIwaspassingarowofflats,IsawanoldChinesemanandwomanyellingandscreamingateachotherinfrontoftheirflat.Thewomanwasabout50andworeherhairinabun.Theoldmanworehishairinapigtail.AsIcametotheirflat,Istoppedtowatch.Withinabouttwoseconds,theoldwomangrabbedabroomandhitthemanovertheheadwiththehandle.Theoldmangrabbedthewomanbythehairandkickedherintheback.Iaskedmyself,‘Ifthatwereyou,whatwouldyoudo?’andthenIsmiled:‘You’dprobablyendthemarriageforgood.’IfeltmorepleasedseeingthisincidentthanifIhadreceivedawholebowlfuloffood.ThatnightImeditatedonwhatIhadseen.Itseemedthatmymindwasregainingitsstrengthand,bitbybit,becomingmoreandmoredisenchantedwithworldlyaffairs.

Thethirdevent:Itwasaholiday.Ihadstartedoutonmyalmsroundbeforedawn,goingdowntotheSraPathumWatergatemarket,andthenupthelanebehindthetemple.Thiswasadirtlanewherehorseswerestabled.Rainwasfallingandtheroadsurfacewasslippery.IwaswalkinginaverycomposedmannerpastthehouseofalaypersonIknewwhofrequentedthetemple.MybowlwasfulloffoodandIwasthinkingveryabsent-mindedlyofworldlymatters—soabsent-mindedlythatIslippedandfellsidewaysintoamudholebythesideoftheroad.Bothofmykneesweresunkaboutafootintothemuck,myfoodwasspilledallovertheplace,mybodywascoveredwithmud.IhadtohurrybacktothetempleandwhenIarrivedIwarnedmyself:‘Seewhathappenswhenyouevenjustthinkofsuchthings?’Myheartwasslowlybecomingmoreandmoredisenchantedwithworldlymatters.MyoldopinionshadreversedtothepointwhereInowsawmarriageassomethingforkids,notforgrown-ups.

Thefourthevent:Thenextmorning,IwentoutforalmstakingmyusualroutedownPhetburiRoad.IcametothepalaceofHisHighnessPrinceDhaninivat.Thisprincemadeahabitofdonatingfoodtomonksatlargeeveryday.Itsohappenedthatsomeonehadsetupabowlofriceacrossthestreetfromthepalacethatday,soIdecidedtoacceptricefromthenewdonorsfirst.Afteracceptingtheirrice,Iturnedaroundtocrossthestreet,whenoneofNaiLert’swhitebusescamewhizzingpast,lessthanafootfrommyhead.Thepassengersonthebus

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startedyellingandscreaming,andImyselfwasstunned:Ihadjustmissedbeingkilledbyabus.WhenIfinallywenttoacceptricefromtheprince,Ihadtoexertagreatdealofself-controlbecauseIwasshakingallover.Ithenreturnedtothetemple.

AlloftheseeventsItooktobewarnings,becauseduringthatperiodmythoughtsaboutworldlymatterswouldstartflaringupanywhereandatanytime.

NOWWECOMEtotheendoftheRainsRetreat,1930.DuringthatthirdrainyseasonIhadtoldmyself,‘You’regoingtohavetoleaveBangkok.There’snotwowaysaboutit.Ifyourpreceptorstandsinyourway,there’llhavetobeafallingout.’SoImadeawish:‘MaytheTripleGemandallthesacredthingsinthecosmoshelpmefindanotherwayout.’

Anothernight,towardtheendoftherains,Ihadbeenlyingonmyback,readingabookandmeditatingatthesametime,whenIfellasleep.IdreamedthatAjaanMuncametoscoldme.‘WhatareyoudoinginBangkok?’heasked.‘Gooutintotheforest!’

‘Ican’t,’Ianswered.‘Mypreceptorwon’tletme.’AjaanMunansweredwithasingleword:‘Go!’SoIdedicatedaresolutiontohim:‘Attheendoftherains,mayAjaanMun

comeandtakemewithhimoutofthispredicament.’ItwasjustafewdayslaterthatChaoKhunUpali*brokehisleg,andAjaan

Muncamedowntopayhisrespectstohim.Ashortwhileafterthat,LadyNoi,themotherofChaoPhrayaMukhamontri,passedaway,andthefuneralservicesweretobeheldatWatDebsirin.BecauseLadyNoihadbeenoneofAjaanMun’ssupporterswhenhewasstayinginUdonThani,hemadeapointofattendingherfuneral.MypreceptorandIwerealsoinvited,andImetAjaanMunuponthecrematorium.Iwasoverjoyedbuthadnochancetohaveevenawordwithhim.SoIaskedChaoKhunPhraAmarabhirakkhitwhereAjaanMunwasstaying,andheanswered,‘AtWatBoromnivasa.’OnthewayhomefromthefuneralIgotpermissionfrommypreceptortostopatWatBoromnivasatopaymyrespectstoAjaanMun.

Inthefouryearssincemyreordination,thiswasmyfirstencounterwithAjaanMun.AfterIhadpaidmyrespects,hedeliveredashortsermontomeonthetext,‘Khinajati,vusitambrahmacariyanti,’whichhetranslatedinshortas,‘Thenobleones,havingfreedthemselvesfromthementaleffluents,findhappiness.Thisisthesupremeholylife.’That’sallIcanrememberofit,butIfeltthatsittingandlisteningtohimspeakforafewmomentsgavemyheartmorepeacethanithadfeltalltheyearsIhadbeenpracticingonmyown.

Intheendhetoldme,‘You’llhavetocomewithmethistime.Asforyour

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preceptor,I’llinformhimmyself.’Thatwasourentireconversation.IboweddowntohimandreturnedtoWatSraPathum.

WhenItoldmypreceptoraboutmymeetingwithAjaanMun,hesimplysatverystill.Thenextday,AjaanMuncametoWatSraPathumandspokewithmypreceptor,sayingthathewantedtohavemegowithhimupnorth.Mypreceptorgavehisassent.

Ibegantogetmynecessarybelongingstogetherandtosaygoodbyetomyfriendsandthetempleboys.IaskedoneoftheboyshowmuchmoneyIhadleftformytravelexpenses,andhetoldme,‘Thirtysatang.’Thatwasn’tevenenoughtopayfortheridetoHuaLamphongStation,whichbythattimehadrisento50satang.SoIwenttoinformAjaanMun,andheassuredmethathewouldtakecareofeverything.

ThedaybeforeLadyNoi’scremation*,AjaanMunwasinvitedtodeliverasermonatthehomeofChaoPhrayaMukhamontriandafterwardsreceivedthefollowingdonations:asetofrobes,acontainerofkerosene,and80baht.Later,AjaanMuntoldmethatthesetofrobeshegavetoamonkatWatBoromnivasa,thekerosenehegavetoPhraMahaSombuun,andthemoneyhegavetopeoplewhoneededit,leavingjustenoughfortwopeople’stravelingexpenses:hisandmine.

Afterawhile,whenChaoKhunUpalifinallyletAjaanMunreturnnorth,wetookthetraintoUttaradit,wherewestayedatWatSalyaphong,atemplefoundedbyChaoKhunUpalihimself.BeforegettingontheexpresstrainatHuaLamphongStation,weranintoMaeNgawNedjamnong,whohadcomedowntoBangkok—whetheritwastoattendLadyNoi’sfuneralorwhat,Idon’tknow.MaeNgawwasoneofAjaanMun’soldstudentsandsheagreedtohelplookafterourneedsduringtheentiretrip.

ThiswastheperiodwhenAjaanTanwasabbotofWatSalyaphong.Westayedthereanumberofdaysandthenwenttostayinthegrovesbehindthetemple,quiteawaysfromthemonks’quarters.Thiswasaquiet,secludedplace,bothbydayandbynight.

OnedayIgotintoadisagreementwithAjaanMunandhedrovemeaway.AlthoughIfeltriled,Idecidednottoletmyfeelingsshow,soIstayedonwithhim,attendingtohisneedsasIalwayshad.

Thenextmorning—thiswasinearlyJanuary,towardtheendofthesecondlunarmonth—twomonkscamelookingforAjaanMunwiththenewsthatoneofhisfollowerswasseriouslyillinChiengMai.ThetwomonksthencontinuedondowntoBangkok,afterwhichAjaanMunandIleftUttaraditforChiengMai.WhenwearrivedwewenttostayatWatChediLuang(GreatChediTemple).

Theillfollowerturnedouttobealayman—NaiBiewofSanKampheng

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district—whohadbecomementallyderanged.Hisolderbrotherandsister-in-lawbroughthimtoWatChediLuang,andAjaanMuncuredhimwithmeditation.

ThatyearIspenttheRainsRetreatatWatChediLuang.Whenwehadfirstarrived,therewerequiteanumberofourfellowmeditationmonksstayingatthetemple,butastherainsapproachedtheyleftonebyonetostayinthehills.Atfirst,AjaanMunwasgoingtohavemeleaveforthehillstoo,butIrefusedtogo.ItoldhimIhadmyheartsetonstayingwithhimandattendingtohisneedsthroughouttherainyseason.Intheendhegavehisconsent.

Thatwas1931,theyearChaoKhunUpalidied.IspenttherainsveryclosetoAjaanMun,attendingbothtohisneedsandtomyownmeditation.Heinturngavemeathoroughbreaking-inineveryway.EacheveninghehadmeclimbupandsitinmeditationonthenorthsideoftheGreatChedi.TherewasalargeBuddhaimagethere—it’sstilltheretoday—andAjaanMuntoldmethatitwasaveryauspiciousspot,thatrelicsoftheBuddhahadbeenknowntocomethereoften.IdidasIwastoldineveryway.SomenightsI’dsitallnight,withoutanysleep.

Westayedinasmallhutinabananagrove.LadyThipandLuangYong,theChiefofPolice,hadhadthehutbuiltandpresentedtoAjaanMun.NaiThip,clerkintheProvincialTreasury,andhiswife,NangTaa,madesurethatAjaanMunhadplentytoeateveryday.

ImadearegularpracticeofgoingwithAjaanMunwhenwewentoutforalms.Aswewouldwalkalong,he’dconstantlybegivingmelessonsinmeditationallalongtheway.Ifwehappenedtopassaprettygirl,he’dsay,‘Lookoverthere.Doyouthinkshe’spretty?Lookclosely.Lookdownintoherinsides.’Nomatterwhatwepassed—housesorroads—he’dalwaysmakeitanobjectlesson.

AtthetimeIwasonly26.ItwasmyfifthRainsRetreatandIwasstillfeelingyoung,sohewasalwaysgivingmelessonsandwarnings.Heseemedveryconcernedformyprogress.Buttherewasonethingthathadmepuzzled,havingtodowithrobesandotherrequisitesthatpeoplewoulddonate.Heseemedreluctanttoletmehaveanythingnicetouse.Sometimeshe’daskforwhatevernicethingsIdidhaveandthengogivethemtosomeoneelse.Ihadnoideawhathemeantbyallthis.WheneverI’dgetanythingnewornice,he’dordermetowashanddyeittospoiltheoriginalcolor.SayI’dgetanicenewwhitehandkerchiefortowel:He’dordermetodyeitbrownwithdyefromtheheartwoodofajackfruittree.Sometimeshe’dhavetoordermeseveraltimes,andwhenIstillwouldn’tobeyhe’dgoaheadanddyethethingshimself.Helikedtofindold,worn-outrobes,patchthemhimself,andthengivethemtometowear.

OnemorningIwenttogetherwithhimonouralmsround,downpastthe

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PoliceStation.Wehappenedtopassawomancarryinggoodstothemarket,butmymindwasingoodshape:Itdidn’tstrayawayfromthepathwewerefollowing.Iwaskeepingcompletecontrolovermyself.AnothertimewhenIwaswalkingalittledistancebehindhim—hewalkedfast,butIwalkedslowly—Isawhimcometoanold,worn-outpairofpoliceman’strousersthrownawaybythesideoftheroad.Hebegantokickthetrousersalong,backandforth—IwasthinkingallalongthatIhadtokeepmythoughtsonthepathIwasfollowing.Finally,whenhereachedthefencearoundthePoliceStation,hestoopeddown,pickedupthetrousers,andfastenedthemunderhisrobes.Iwaspuzzled.Whatdidhewantwitholdtrashlikethat?

Whenwegotbacktothehut,heplacedthetrousersovertheclothesrailing.Isweptupandthensetoutthesittingmats.Afterwehadfinishedourmeal,Iwentintohisroomtoarrangehisbedding.Somedayshe’dbecrosswithme,sayingIwasmessy,thatIneverputanythingintherightplace—buthe’dnevertellmewhattherightplaceswere.EventhoughItriedmybesttopleasehimatalltimes,hewasstillseverewithmetheentirerainyseason.

Severaldayslatertheoldpairoftrousershadbecomeashoulderbagandabelt:Isawthemhangingtogetheronthewall.Andafewdaysafterwards,hegavethemtometouse.Itookthemandlookedatthem.Theywerenothingbutstitchesandpatches.Withallthegoodthingsavailable,whydidhegivemethissortofstufftouse?

AttendingtoAjaanMunwasverygoodforme,butalsoveryhard.Ihadtobewillingtolearneverythinganew.Tobeabletostaywithhimforanylengthoftime,youhadtobeveryobservantandverycircumspect.Youcouldn’tmakeasoundwhenyouwalkedonthefloor,youcouldn’tleavefootprintsonthefloor,youcouldn’tmakenoisewhenyouswallowedwateroropenedthewindowsordoors.Therehadtobeasciencetoeverythingyoudid—hangingoutrobes,takingthemin,foldingthemup,settingoutsittingmats,arrangingbedding,everything.Otherwisehe’ddriveyouout,eveninthemiddleoftheRainsRetreat.Eventhen,you’djusthavetotakeitandtrytouseyourpowersofobservation.

Everyday,afterourmeal,I’dgotostraightenuphisroom,puttingawayhisbowlandrobes,settingouthisbedding,hissittingcloth,hisspittoon,histeakettle,pillow,etc.Ihadtohaveeverythinginorderbeforeheenteredtheroom.WhenIhadfinished,I’dtakenoteofwhereIhadplacedthings,hurryoutoftheroom,andgotomyownroom,whichwasseparatedfromhisbyawallofbananaleaves.IhadmadeasmallholeinthewallsothatIcouldpeekthroughandseebothAjaanMunandhisbelongings.Whenhecameintotheroom,he’dlookupanddown,inspectinghisthings.Someofthemhe’dpickupandmove;othershe’dleavewheretheywere.Ihadtowatchcarefullyandtakenoteofwhere

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thingswereput.ThenextmorningI’ddoitalloveragain,tryingtoplacethingswhereIhad

seenhimputthemhimself.Finallyonemorning,whenIhadfinishedputtingthingsinorderandreturnedtomyownroomtopeekthroughthehole,heenteredhisroom,satstillforaminute,lookedrightandleft,upanddown,allaround—anddidn’ttouchathing.Hedidn’teventurnoverhissleepingcloth.Hesimplysaidhischantsandthentookanap.Seeingthis,IfeltreallypleasedthatIhadattendedtomyteachertohissatisfaction.

Inothermatters—suchassittingandwalkingmeditation—AjaanMuntrainedmeineveryway,tomycompletesatisfaction.ButIwasabletokeepupwithhimatbestonlyabout60percentofthetime.

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ATTHEENDoftheRainsRetreat,WatBoromnivasaarrangedChaoKhunUpali’sfuneral,andnearlyalltheseniormonksinWatChediLuangwentdowntoBangkoktohelp.TheabbothadAjaanMunwatchoverthetempleinhisabsence.Afterthefuneralwasover,alettercametoAjaanMun,givinghimpermissiontobecomeapreceptor.WhenAjaanMunopenedtheletter,hefoundtherewasmore:Theletteraskedhim,inadditiontobecomingpreceptor,toacceptthepositionofabbotatWatChediLuang.ChaoKaewNawarat(PrinceNineJewels),thePrinceofChiengMai,wastomakeallthenecessaryarrangements.WouldAjaanMunpleasetakeoverthedutiesofthepreviousabbot?That,inshort,wasthegistoftheletter.WhenAjaanMunfinishedreadingit,hesentforme.‘IhavetoleaveWatChediLuang,’hesaid.

TwodaysaftertheendoftheRainsRetreathehadsentmeoutonmyowntoamountaininLamphunprovince,aspotwherehehimselfhadoncestayed.Icampedalittlemorethantendaysatthefootofthemountain,untilonedayataboutthreeintheafternoon,whileIwassittinginmeditation,therewasanincident.Itwasasifsomeonehadcomewithamessage.Iheardavoicesay,‘Tomorrowyouhavetogostayupontopofthemountain.’

Thenextday,beforeclimbingtothetop,Iwenttostayinanoldabandonedtemple,saidtobeverysacred.Peoplehadtoldmethatwheneverthelunarsabbathcamearound,abrightlightwouldoftenappearthere.Itwasdeepintheforest,though—andtheforestwasfullofelephantsandtigers.Iwalkedinalone,feelingbothbraveandscared,butconfidentinthepoweroftheDhammaandofmyteacher.

Istayedfortwonights.Thefirstnight,nothinghappened.Thesecondnight,ataboutoneortwointhemorning,atigercame—whichmeantthatIdidn’tgetanysleepthewholenight.Isatinmeditation,scaredstiff,whilethetigerwalkedaroundandaroundmyumbrellatent.Mybodyfeltallfrozenandnumb.Istartedchanting,andthewordscameoutlikerunningwater.AlltheoldchantsIhadforgottennowcamebacktome,thanksbothtomyfearandtomyabilitytokeepmymindundercontrol.Isatlikethisfromtwountilfivea.m.,whenthetigerfinallyleft.

Thenextmorning,Iwentforalmsinasmallvillageofonlytwohouseholds.Oneoftheownerswasoutworkinginhisgarden,andwhenhesawmehetoldmethatatigerhadcomeandeatenoneofhisoxenthenightbefore.Thismademeevenmorescared,sofinally,aftermymeal,Iclimbedtothetopofthemountain.

Fromthetop,lookingout,youcouldseethechediofWatPhraDhatuHaribhunjaiinthetownofLamphun.ThemountainwasnamedDoiKhawMaw

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—ThumbMountain.Atitssummitwasadeepspring—sodeepthatnoonehaseverbeenabletofathomit.ThewaterwascrystalclearandsurroundedbyheadsofoldBuddhaimages.Climbingdownabouttwometersfromgroundlevel,youreachedthesurfaceofthewater.Theysaythatapersonwhofallsintothespringwon’tsink,andthatyoucan’tgodivingdownunderthewater.Womenareabsolutelyforbiddentogointothespring,forifawomandoeshappentoenterthewatershe’llgointoconvulsions.Peopleintheareaconsiderthewholemountaintobesacred.

AjaanMunhadtoldmethattherewasanimportantspiritdwellinginthemountain,butthatitwouldn’tharmordisturbmebecauseitwasacquaintedwiththeDhammaandSangha.ThefirstdayafterreachingthetopIdidn’thaveanythingtoeat.ThatnightIfeltfaint—thewholemountainseemedtobeswayinglikeaboatinthemiddleofachoppysea—butmymindwasingoodshapeandnottheleastbitafraid.

ThenextdayIdidsittingandwalkingmeditationintheareaaroundanoldabandonedsanctuary.FromwhereIwasstaying,thenearestvillageIcouldhavegonetoforalmswasmorethanthreekilometersaway,soImadeavow:‘Iwon’teatunlesssomeonebringsfoodhere.’ThatnightIhadastomachacheandfeltdizzy,butnotasbadasthenightbefore.

Ataboutfivethenextmorning,justbeforedawn,Iheardhuffingandpantingsoundsoutsidethesanctuary.AtfirstIthoughtitwasatiger,butasIlistenedcarefully,itsoundedmorelikeahumanbeing.Thatsideofthemountain,though,wasverysteep—nottoosteeptoclimbup,butIcanguaranteethatitwastoosteeptogodown.Sowhowouldbecominguphere?Iwascuriousbutdidn’tdareleavethesanctuaryormyumbrellatentuntilitwaslightoutside.

Whendawnfinallycame,Iwentoutsideandthere,bythesideofthesanctuary,wasanoldwoman—about70—sittingwithherhandsraisedinrespect.Shehadsomericewrappedinabananaleafthatshewantedtoputinmybowl.Shealsogavemetwokindsofmedicine:somerootsandpiecesofbark.‘Takethismedicine,’shesaid,‘grinditdown,andeatit,whilemakingawishforyourhealth,andyourstomachachewillgoaway.’AtthetimeIwasobservingthemonks’disciplineverystrictlyandso,becauseshewasawoman,didn’tdaresaymorethanafewwordstoher.AfterIhadfinishedeating—onelumpofredglutinousriceandtherootsandbark—Ichantedsomeblessingsforherandsheleft,disappearingdownthewestsideofthemountain.

Ataboutfiveintheafternoon,apersoncametothetopofthemountainwithaletterformefromAjaanMun.Thelettersaid,‘Comebackrightaway.IhavetoleaveWatChediLuangtomorrowmorningbecausetomorroweveningtheexpresstrainfromBangkokwillarrive.’Ihurrieddownfromthemountain,butnightfellasIreachedPaaHeo(GlenForest)Village,soIspentthenightinthe

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cemeterythere.WhenIarrivedatWatChediLuangthenextday,AjaanMunhadalreadyleft.

Iaskedaround,butnooneseemedtoknowwherehehadgone—leavingmewithnoideaofwhereorhowtofindhim.IhadaninklingthathehadheadednorthforKengTung,whichmeantIwouldhavetoleaveforKengTungrightaway,butIcouldn’tyet,becausethereweretwothingsAjaanMunhadsaidtomeduringtherainyseason:

1.‘Iwantyoutohelpmeinthestepsofthepractice,becauseIcan’tseeanyoneelsewhocan.’AtthetimeIhadnoideaofwhathemeant,anddidn’tpayitmuchattention.

2.‘TheChiengMaiareahasbeenhometoagreatnumberofsageseversincethedistantpast.Sobeforeyouleavethearea,IwantyoutogostayontopofDoiKhawMaw,inBuabThawngCave,andinChiengDaoCave.’

AfterstayingafewdaysatWatChediLuang,IleftforDoiSaketdistrict,whereIstayedinThamMyyd(DarkCave)nearMyangAwmvillage.Thiswasastrangeandremarkablecave.OntopofthemountainwasaBuddhaimage—fromwhatperiod,Icouldn’tsay.Inthemiddleofthemountainthegroundopeneddownintoadeepchasm.Goingdownintothechasm,Icametoapieceofteakwoodplacedasabridgeacrossacrevice.Edgingmywayacrosstotheotherside,Ifoundmyselfonawiderockshelf.AsIwalkedonaways,itbecamepitchdark,soIlitalanternandcontinuedon.Icametoanotherbridge—thistimeawholelogofteak—reachingtoanotherrock.Thisiswheretheairbegantofeelchilly.

Crossingthissecondbridge,Ireachedanenormouscavern.I’dsayitcouldhaveheldatleast3,000people.Thefloorofthecavernwasflatwithlittlewaves,likeripplesonwater.Shootingstraightupfromthemiddleofthefloorwasaspectacularstalagmite,aswhiteasacumuluscloud,eightmeterstallandsowideitwouldhavetakentwopeopletoputtheirarmsaroundit.Aroundthestalagmitewasacircleofsmallroundbumps—likethebumpsinthemiddleofgongs—eachabouthalfametertall.Insidethecirclewasadeepflatbasin.Thewholeareawasdazzlingwhiteandverybeautiful.Theair,though,wasclose,anddaylightdidn’tpenetrate.AjaanMunhadtoldmethatnagascameheretoworship:Thestalagmitewastheirchedi.Ihadwantedtospendthenight,buttheairwassocloseIcouldhardlybreathe,soIdidn’tdarestay.Iwalkedbackoutofthecave.

Thismountainwasaboutthreekilometersfromthenearestvillage.ThepeopleintheareasaidthatatthebeginningoftheRainsRetreatthemountainwouldgiveoutaroar.Anyyeartheroarwasespeciallyloudtherewouldbegoodrainandabundantharvests.

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ThatdayIwentbacktostayinavillageontheborderofDoiSaketdistrict.Afterrestingthereafewdays,IwalkedontoBaanPong,whereImetamonknamedKhienwhohadoncestayedwithAjaanMun.IaskedifheknewwhereAjaanMunhadgone,buthisanswerwasno.SoItalkedhimintoreturningwithmetoexploreDoiSaketdistrict.

Wewenttospendanightinacaveinthemiddleofthejungle,farawayfromanyhabitation.ThecavewascalledBuabThawng—GoldenGourd—Cave.Thiswasbecausedowninthecavewasaplacewherefool’sgoldhadseepedthroughacrackintothebottomofapoolofwater.Toreachthecaveyouhadtogothroughtenkilometersofvirginforest.Thepeopleoftheareaclaimedthattherewasafiercespiritlivinginthecave.Whoevertriedtospendthenightthere,theysaid,wouldbekeptawakeallnightbythefeelingthatsomeonewassteppingonhislegs,hisstomach,hisback,etc.—whichhadeveryoneafraidoftheplace.WhenIheardthis,Iwantedtotestthetruthoftherumormyself.AjaanMunhimselfhadtoldmethatBhikkhuChaioncecametothiscavetospendthenightbutcouldn’tgetanysleepbecausehekepthearingthesoundofsomeonewalkinginandoutofthecaveallnightlong.

Itwasaverydeepcavebut,still,AjaanMunhadtoldmetocomehereandspendthenight.Theoutcomeofmystaywasthattherewasnothingoutoftheordinary.Wedidn’tencounteranythingunusualatall.

Afterleavingthecave,wewentdowntostayataspotwherewemetanothermonknamedChoei.Aftertalkingawhile,weseemedtohititoffwell,soIinvitedhimtocomewithmeandwandersomemorearoundtheDoiSaketarea.AsforPhraKhien,heleftusandreturnedtoBaanPong.

Oneday,asIwaswanderingwithPhraChoei,somevillagersbuiltalittleplaceforustostayinthemiddleofalargecemetery.Thecemeterywasfullofgravesanddottedwiththeremainsofoldcremationfires.White,weatheredboneswereallovertheplace.PhraChoeiandIstayedthereforquitealongtime.

AfterawhilesomevillagerscameandinvitedPhraChoeitogostayinanotherspot,whichmeantthatIhadtostayoninthecemeteryalone.ThereweretheremainsofanoldcremationfireaboutsixmetersfromwhereIwasstaying.

Afewdayslater,wellbeforedawn,avillagercamewithalittleconeofflowersandincense,sayingthathewasgoingtobringsomeonetostaywithmeasmydisciple.Ithoughttomyself,‘AtleastnowI’llbealittlelesslonely.’Ihadbeenfeelingscaredforquiteafewdaysrunning,tothepointthateverytimeIsatinmeditationI’dstartfeelingnumballover.

Laterthatmorning,aftermymeal,alargegroupofvillagerscame,bringingacorpsewiththem.Thecorpsehadn’tbeenplacedinacoffin,butwassimplywrappedinacloth.AssoonasIsawit,Itoldmyself,‘You’reinforitnow.’IfI

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weretoleave,I’dlosefacewiththevillagers,buttheideaofstayingondidn’tappealtomeeither.Thentherealizationhitme:Thecorpsewasprobablymy‘disciple.’

Thevillagersstartedthecremationthatafternoonataboutfour,nottoofarfromwhereIwasstaying,givingmeaverygoodviewofthecorpse.Whenitcaughtfire,itsarmsandlegsstartedstickingupintotheair,asyellowasiftheyhadbeensmearedwithturmeric.Byeveningthebodyhadfallenapartatthewaist—itwasstillblackintheflames.Justbeforenightfall,thevillagersreturnedhome,leavingmeallbymyself.Ihurriedbacktomybanana-leafhutandsatinmeditation,orderingmymindnottoleavethehut—tothepointwheremyearswentblank.Ididn’thearanysoundatall.Mymindstillhadacertainamountofself-awareness,butnoperceptionofwhereIwas,ofcourage,offear,orofanythingatall.Istayedthiswayuntildaybreak,whenPhraChoeihappenedback.NowthatIhadacompanionIfeltalittlebitmoresecure.

PhraChoeihadahabitofsittinginthehutwithmeandhavingDhammatalks—he’ddothetalking,I’ddothelistening—butIcouldtellfromthetoneofhisvoicethathewasn’tallhemadehimselfouttobe.Onceavillagercameandaskedhim,‘Areyouafraidofthedead?’PhraChoeididn’tsayyesorno.Allhesaidwas,‘What’stheretobeafraidof?Whenapersondies,thereisn’tanythingleftatall.Why,youyourselfcaneatdeadchickens,deadducks,deadcows,anddeadwaterbuffaloeswithoutasecondthought.’Thatwasthesortofthinghe’dalwaysbesaying.Ithoughttomyself,‘Whatashow-off!Hedoesn’twantotherpeopletoknowhe’safraid.Well,tomorrowwe’llhavetoseejusthowbravehereallyis.’

Itsohappenedthatavillagerhadcometoinviteoneofustoacceptdonationsathishome.PhraChoeiandIagreedthatIwouldaccepttheinvitationwhilehestayedtowatchoverthehut.IleftwiththevillagerbutwhenIreturnedthenextday,PhraChoeiwasgone.Ilearnedthatlatethenightbefore,afterIhadleft,oneofthevillagershadbroughtthebodyofadeadgirltoburyinthecemetery.PhraChoei,seeingthis,immediatelygatheredhisumbrellatent,hisbowlandrobes,andranawayinthemiddleofthenight.Fromthatmomenton,IpartedwayswithPhraChoei.

IheadedbacktoBaanPong,whereIspentafewnightswithPhraKhien,andthenwentontoatownshipcalledHueiAwmKaew—theEncirclingCrystalStream.There,Iwastold,weretheruinsofanoldtemple,withlotsofoldBuddhaimages.Hearingthis,Iwantedtogohavealook.

BythispointIhadgottenreallyfedupwithlaypeopleandmonks.Inolongerwantedtolivewiththehumanrace.Theonethoughtinmymindwastogooffandlivealoneonamountaintop.SowhenIreachedHueiAwmKaew,IstoppedeatingfoodandbeganeatingonlyleavessothatIwouldn’tneedtobebothered

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withhumanbeingsanymore.Thisturnedouttobeafinespot,secludedandquiet,withashallowstream

meanderingallaround.OnenightwhileIwassittinginmeditationwithmyeyesclosedinalittledarkhut,itseemedtomethatabrilliantballoflight,aboutameterandahalfindiameter,cameshootingoutofthemountaintopandsettleddownnexttothehutwhereIwasstaying—soIsattheremeditatinguntildawn.Ifeltasifmybreathhadstopped.Iwasabsolutelystill,feelingfreeandatease,andnottheleastbitsleepy.

AfewdayslaterImoveddowntoanislandformedbythecourseofthestream.Avillagernearby,onhisowninitiative,hadbuiltmealittlehutthere.Thefloorwasjustofftheground,andthewallsweremadeofbananaleaves.WhenImovedintothehutIresolvedtomakeanall-outeffortinmymeditation.Iwentwithoutsleepandateverylittle—onlyfourhandfulsofleavesaday.

ThefirstdayIfeltfineandtherewerenoincidents.Thesecondday,atabout9p.m.,afterIhadsaidmychantsandfinishedmywalkingmeditation,Ilaybackforalittlerest,lettingmythoughtswander—andfellasleep.Idreamedthatawomancametome.Shewasplump,fairandgood-looking,andwaswearingablouseandanold-fashionedskirt.HernamewasSida,shesaid.Shewasstillsingleandshewantedtocomelivewithme.Ihadthefeelingthatshewantedahusband,soIaskedher,‘Wheredoyoulive?’

‘Ontopofatallmountain,’sheanswered.‘It’salargeplace,withlotsofhouses.Lifeiseasythere.Pleasebemyhusband.’

Irefused.Shestartedpleadingwithmeinallsortsofways,butIstoodmyground.Soshesuggestedthatwesimplybecomelovers.Still,Iwouldn’tyield.Intheend,whenshecouldseethatshewasn’tgoingtogetherwaywithme,weagreedtorespecteachotherasgoodfriends.Andwhenwehadreachedanunderstanding,shesaidgoodbyeandvanished.

Thenextday,atabouttwointheafternoon,Ibathedinthestreamataspotwherealoghadfallenacrossthewater.Oneofthevillagershadtoldmethatthiswasaveryimportantstream,thattherewasasmallchediatitssource.Thestrangethingaboutthechediwasthatsometimesitwasvisible,sometimesitwasn’t.Listeningtothestory,though,Ihadn’tpaidanyattentiontoit.Beforetakingmybath,ItooksomerocksanddammedupthestreamsothatitwouldflowoverthelogandIwouldhaveaneasiertimebathing.Aftermybath,Iwentandlefttherockswheretheywere.

Thatevening,afterIhadfinishedmychantsandmywalkingmeditation—alittleafter9p.m.—Ilaydownforashortrest,meditatingallthewhile,andanotherincidentoccurred.Ifeltasifsomeonewererubbingmylegswithhishands,makingmefeelnumbfirstuptomywaist,andthenallthewaytomy

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head.IhadalmostnosenseoffeelingatallandthoughtIwasgoingtoloseconsciousness.SoIsatrightupandenteredconcentration—mymindabsolutelystill,clear,andbright.Idecidedthatifthiswasdeath,I’dbewillingtogo.TheoneotherthoughtthatoccurredtomewasthatIwasgoingtopassoutbecauseIhadbeenlivingonnothingbutleaves.

Assoonasmyawarenesswasinplace,itstartedexpandingitselfoutthroughmybody,andthefeelingofnumbnessgraduallybegantodissipate—likecloudswhentheyfloatpastthelightofthesun—untiltherewasnotraceofnumbnessleftatall.Mymindreturnedtonormal,andthenalightwentshootingoutfromit,focusingonthelogwhereIhadbathedinthestream,tellingmetogettherocksoutofthewaybecausethestreamwasapaththespiritstook.SowhenIawokenextmorningIwenttothestreamandremovedtherocks,lettingthewaterflowasbefore.

Thatnightitseemedasifthereweregoingtobeanotherincident.Somethingstruckthewallofmyhutandshookit,butthenthatwasall.IlaydowntomeditatebecauseIwasfeelingweakandasIbegantodozeoffIhadadream:Herdsofstrange-lookinganimals,aboutthesizeofpigs,werecomingdownfromthewaterfallatthesourceofthestream.Eachhadthebushytailofasquirrelandtheheadofagoat.Hugeswarmsofthemwerecomingdownthestream,passingthespotwhereIwassleeping.AfterafewmomentsIsawawoman,about30,wearinganindigoblouseandindigoskirtreachingjustalittlebelowherknees.Shewascarryingsomething—Idon’tknowwhatyou’dcallit—inherhand,andshesaidthatshewasthespiritresidinginthewaterfall,andthatshehadtogodowntothesealikethisconstantly.HernamewasNangJan.

ForthenextfewnightsIwasveryearnestinmymeditation,buttherewerenomoreincidents.

AfterawhileIreturnedtoBaanPongtoaspotwhereAjaanMunhadoncestayed,andthereranintoPhraKhienagain.WedecidedthatwewouldhavetogotogetherandsearchforAjaanMununtilwefoundhim.So,aftersayinggoodbyetothevillagersthere,wesetoutforChiengDao(StarCity)Cave.BeforereachingChiengDaomountain,weclimbeduptostayinasmallcavewhereAjaanMunhadoncestayed,andthenwenton,reachingChiengDaoCavethetwelfthdayofthewaxingmoon,thethirdlunarmonth(February6).Wemadeanall-outefforttomeditatebothdayandnight.

Onthenightofthefullmoon—MaghaPuja—IdecidedtositinmeditationasanofferingtotheBuddha.Alittleafter9p.m.,mymindbecameabsolutelystill.Itseemedasifbreathandlightwereradiatingfrommybodyinalldirections.Atthemoment,Iwasfocusingonmybreath,whichwassosubtlethatIscarcelyseemedtobebreathingatall.Myheartwasquiet;mymindstill.Thebreathinmybodydidn’tseemtobemovingatall.Itwassimplyquietandstill.Mymind

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hadcompletelystoppedformulatingthoughts—howallmythoughtshadstopped,Ihadnoidea.ButIwasaware—feelingbright,expansive,andatease—withasenseoffreedomthatwipedoutallfeelingofpain.

Afteraboutanhourofthis,teachingsbegantoappearinmyheart.This,inshort,iswhattheysaid:‘Focusdownandexaminebecoming,birth,death,andignorancetoseehowtheycomeabout.’Avisioncametomeasplainasifitwererightbeforemyeyes:‘Birthislikealightningflash.Deathislikealightningflash.’SoIfocusedonthecausesleadingtobirthanddeath,untilIcametothewordavijja—ignorance.Ignoranceofwhat?Whatkindofknowingistheknowingofignorance?Whatkindofknowingistheknowingofknowledge?Iconsideredthingsinthismanner,backandforth,overandoveruntildawn.Whenitallfinallybecameclear,Ileftconcentration.Myheartandbodybothseemedlight,open,andfree;myheart,extremelysatisfiedandfull.

WELEFTCHIENGDAOCAVEthreedayslaterandthensplitupforanight,oneofusstayinginPaakPhiengCave,theotherinJanCave.Thesewereveryrelaxingplacestostay.Noincidents.AfterthatwesetoutforFang,tostayatTabTaoCave,whichatthattimehadnovillagesnearby.Therewemetanoldmonk,GrandfatherPhaa.Reachingthebaseofthehill,wefoundbananaandpapayaorchardsandaclear-flowingstream.Thereweretwolargeopencavesandonelongnarrowone.InoneoftheopencaveswererowsandrowsofancientBuddhaimages,andanotherenormousBuddhaimagethatGrandfatherPhaawasbuildinghimself.

Whenwefirstwenttohisquarters,wedidn’tfindhim,sowethenwenteast,followingthestreamupthemountain.Wecameacrossanoldmanwearingmaroonshortsandamaroonshort-sleevedshirt.Hehadalargeknifeinhishand,withwhichhewascuttingbacktheforest.Hismovementswerevigorousandstrong,likethoseofayoungman.Wewalkedtowardhimandcalledout,‘DoyouknowwhereGrandfatherPhaais?’Whenhecaughtsightofus,hecamequicklytowardus—withtheknifestillinhishand.Butwhenhesatdownwithus,hismannerchangedintothatofamonk.‘I’mGrandfatherPhaa,’hesaid.Sowepaidhimourrespects.

Heledusbacktohisquarters,wherehechangedfromhisshortsandshirtintoadarksetofrobeswithasashtiedaroundhischestandastringofrosarybeadsinhishand.Hetoldusthestoriesbehindeachofthecaves.‘IfyouwanttospendtheRainsRetreatherewithme,youcan,seeingasyou’restudentsofAjaanMun.Butyoucan’ttakemeasyourajaan,becauseatthemomentI’mgrowingbananasandpapayastosellinordertoraiseenoughmoneytofinishmyBuddhaimage.*’Still,heateonlyonemealaday.

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Thateveningheshowedusaroundthebananaandpapayagroves,whichhehadplantedhimself.‘Ifyoufeelhungry,’hesaid,pointingtothetrees,‘youhavemypermissiontotakeandeatasmuchasyoulike.Ordinarily,Idon’tallowothermonkstotouchthem.’Ithadn’toccurredtomethatI’dwantanyofhisfruitbutIappreciatedhiskindness.Everymorningbeforedawn,he’dsendoneofhisdisciplestowherewewerestayingwithbananasandpapayasforustoeat.

Inoticedalotofstrangethingsaboutthearea.Thepeacocksintheforestweren’tatallafraidofGrandfatherPhaa.Everymorningdoveswouldcometowherehe’dbeeating,andhe’dscatterriceforthemtoeat.Sometimesthey’dallowhimtotouchthem.Everyeveningmonkeyswoulddescendinhordestoeatthepapayashehadspreadoutforthem.IfanyvillagershappenedbyontheirwaytoworshiptheBuddhaimages,though,theanimalswouldallrunaway.

Toenterthelongnarrowcave,wehadtolightalanternandclimbupanddownanarrow,crookedpassageway.Afterabout30minutes,wecametoasmallchedi,deepinthecave.Whobuiltit,orwhen,nooneknows.

Afterwehaddonewhatwefeltwasenoughcave-exploring,wesetoutacrossthejungleandstoppedatKokRiverVillage.Thiswasagood-sizedvillagewithatallhilltotheeast.Atnightitwasverycold.Allyoucouldhearweretheroarsoftigerspassingbackandforthalongthesideofthehill.Thevillagehadnotemple,butitdidhaveasacredBuddhaimage,alittlelessthanameteracrossatthebase,andverybeautiful.Someonehadbroughtitfromthemiddleofthejungle.

AftertwonightsinKokRiverVillage,wesaidgoodbyetothevillagersandsetoutacrossalargetractofvirginforest.Wewalkedforthreedaysbeforecomingacrossanothervillage.AssoonasthepeopleinKokRiverVillagehadlearnedthatwewereplanningtogo,theytriedtodissuadeusbecausetherewerenoplacesintheforestwherewecouldgoforalms.SoIsaid,‘That’sallright.It’sonlytwodays.Icantakeit.AllIaskforisenoughwatertodrink.’Themorningofthedayweweretoleave,justaswewerereturningfromouralmsroundinthevillage,wemetamanwhoinformedusthathewasgoingtoleaveforChiengSaenthatday,andsowouldbeabletoaccompanyusthroughtheforest.

Beforeweleftthevillage,anoldmancametowarnus:‘Onyourwaythroughtheforest,’hesaid,‘you’llcometoaspotwheretherearealotofspiritshrines.Ifitisn’tyetdarkwhenyoureachthere,don’tstop.Goonandspendthenightsomewhereelse,fortheforestspiritstherearereallyfierce.Noonewhospendsthenightinthatareacangetanysleep.Sometimesit’sabird,sometimesatiger,sometimesadeer—alwayssomethingtokeepyouawakeallnight.’

Sothethreeofus—PhraKhien,thelayman,andmyself—setoutacrosstheforest.Andsureenough,alongthewaywecameacrossthespottheoldmanhadmentioned.PhraKhien,whohadheardtheoldman’swarning,saidtome,‘Than

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Ajaan,let’snotstophere.’ButItoldhim,‘We’vegotto.Whatever’shere,we’llfindouttonight.’Sowestoppedandpitchedcampbythespiritshrines.Ihadthelaymanteardownalltheshrinesandsetthemonfire.‘I’mnotafraid,’Isaid.‘I’veneverseenaspiritwhowasanymatchforamonk’—butglancingoveratPhraKhien,Icouldseehisfaceturnpale.

Nightfell.Webuiltafireandchantedtheeveningservice.ThenIsaid,‘WeallhavetobelievefirmlyinthevirtuesoftheBuddha,Dhamma,andSangha.’Imadeavowtolookfornomoreshelterthatnightthantheshadeofatree,andfoundapieceofwoodtouseformypillow.Iwasgoingtobetoughwithmyselfandnotshrinkfromanyhardship.Iorderedthatwesleepfairlyfarapart,butcloseenoughtohearifoneoftheotherscalledout.‘Don’tbetoointentongettinganysleeptonight,’Isaid.

Afterthat,eachofusenteredhisumbrellatent,feelingreallyexhaustedfromthelongday’sjourney.Isatforawhile,doingsomemorechanting.Thelaymanslept.PhraKhienlaysnoringandmumblinginhissleepforawhileandthenfellquiet.Ibeganfeelingreallytiredandsolaydowntoo.Afteramoment,though,asoundlikesomeonewhisperingcametomeandsaid,‘Getup.Something’sgoingtohappen.’

Igotupwithastartand,sureenough,heardarustlingnoiseabouttenmetersfromwherePhraKhienwassleeping.Lightingacandle,Icalledouttotheotherstogetup.Ithenlitafireandwesatthere—thethreeofus,inthemiddleofthevast,silentforest—sayingourchants.Amomentafterwestartedchantingtherewasaverypeculiar-soundingbirdcall.Theoldmaninthevillagehadsaid,‘Ifyouhearthissortofbirdcall,don’tliedown.Otherwiseaspiritwillcomeandsuckyourblooddry.’Soweallwentwithoutsleep,sittingupuntildaybreak.

Intheearlymorningdarkness,thelaymanfixedriceporridgeforus,andafterwefinishedeatingwewentoutforalookaround.Wefoundtigertracks,marksofitsdigging,andafreshpileofitsdung.Nothingelsehappenedthatnight.

Wewaiteduntilitwasbrightenoughtoseethelinesonourpalmsandthensetoutthroughtheforest.Wewalkedalldayuntilatnightfallwereachedasmallhillwithacrystal-clearwaterfall.Thesoundoffallingwaterechoedthroughoutthearea.Westoppedhereandrestedforthenightwithoutanyincidents.

Thenextmorning,afterwehadfinishedourriceporridge,wesetoutagain.Atabout1p.m.westoppedforrestundertheshadeofatree.Thisiswherethelaymansaidgoodbyeandhurriedonaheadofus.Weneversawhimagain.PhraKhienandIwalkedonuntilitwasalmostdark,whenwecametoavillage.Weaskedthepeoplethereiftheyhadseenanyonewalkpasttheirvillageearlierthatafternoon,butitseemedthatnoonehad.

ThenextdayweleftforChiengSaen,wherewespentafewdaysstayinginan

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orchardbeforeheadingontoChiengRai.InChiengRaiwestayedatasmallcemeteryoutsideoftownandtheremetanoldmonk,GrandfatherMyynHaan,whohadbeenafollowerofminebeforehisordination.HeintroducedustothechiefoftheChiengRaiprovincialpolicesothatthechiefofpolicecouldhelpusonourwaybacktoLampang.Thechiefofpoliceseemedhappytohelp.HegotusonabusthatwetookasfarasPhayao,wherewegotoffandtraveledonfootpastPhaaThaicave—thetrailwasreallyovergrown—andthenonintoLampang.WespentonenightatasmalltemplejusttothesouthwestoftheLampangrailroadstationandthenextmorningsetoutonfootalongtherailroadtracks.

Wecametoacaveatonepoint—aplacenamedThamKaengLuang(GrandRapidsCave)—wherewespentthreenights.Itwasacomfortableplacetostay,verypeacefulandquiet.Wewentforalmsinanearbyvillage,butnoonepaidmuchattentiontous.Fortwodayswehadnothingtoeatbutrice—notevenagrainofsalt.

Thethirdday,beforegoingoutforalms,Imadeavow:‘TodayifIdon’tgetanythingtoeatwithmyrice,I’mnotgoingtoeatatall.’Sureenough,Igotnothingbutaballofglutinousrice.Whenwegotbacktothecave,IsatthinkingaboutthetripaheadofusandthensaidtoPhraKhien,‘TodayI’mgoingtodonatemyricetothefish.Evenifsomebodycomestodonateheapsoffood,I’mstillnotgoingtoeat.Howaboutyou?Areyouwithme?’

‘I’mafraidIcan’tgoalongwithyou,’heanswered.‘I’vehadnothingbutricefortwodaysnowandI’mstartingtofeelweak.’

‘Inthatcase,’Isaid,‘I’mgoingonahead.Ifyouwanttoeat,youcanstayhere.Maybesomeonewillcomewithfoodforyou.’SoIgatheredmythingsandleft.Itoldmyself,‘TodayI’mnotgoingtoaskanyoneforfood,eitherbygoingforalmsorbyout-and-outasking.OnlyifsomeoneinvitesmetohavefoodwillIbewillingtoeat.’

AfterwalkingforanhourIpassedasmallvillageofthreehouseholds.Awomancamerunningoutofoneofthehouses,raisedherhandsinrespect,andinvitedmeintoherhometohavesomefood.‘MyhusbandshotabarkingdeeryesterdayandI’mafraidofthesin.SoI’dliketomakemeritwithamonk.You’vejustgottocometomyhouseandhavesomethingtoeat.’

Iwasfeelingalittlehungryfromhavinghadnothingbutricetoeatfortwodays,plusnothavinghadanythingatallthatmorning,soIsaidtomyself,‘Okay.Goaheadandhavealittlebarkingdeer.’Iacceptedthewoman’sinvitation,lefttherailroadtracks,andsatdowninagrovegrowingnearherhome.Sheinvitedmeintothehouse,butIsaid,‘ThisiswhereI’msitting,sothisiswhereI’lleat.’Shebroughtouttwotraysoffoodplusabasketofglutinousrice,andIatemyfill.WhenIfinishedIchantedblessingsforherandthenwasonmyway.

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Aftertwodaysofwalkingalongtherailroadtracks,IreachedthetownofUttaradit.AlthoughIhadquiteafewfollowersintown,Ididn’twanttotellanyoneIhadcome,soIwentonpastthetownandstayedinacemeterynearWatThaaPho.IthenspenttwonightsatWatThaaSao,waitingforPhraKhientocatchupwithme.Whenhedidn’tshowup,Idecidedthatwehadpartedwaysandthatneitherofushadtoworryabouttheotheranymore.

FromthereIwenttostayinanoldtemplenearBaanDara(StarVillage)junction,southofUttaradit.Oneafternoonat2p.m.,afterjustafewdaysthere,Ihappenedtobesittinginthesala,passingthetimeofday,whentwopeoplecameinoutofthesuntojoinme—amonkandalayman.Westartedtalkingaboutwhatweweredoingandwhereweweregoing.Thetwoofthem,itturnedout,hadaburiedtreasuremapandwereontheirwaytodigforthetreasure,whichaccordingtothemapwasinPhitsanuloke.ThelaymansaidthathisnamewasLieutenantColonelSutjaiandthathewasaretiredarmyofficer.Aseveningcameon,theyleft—wheretheywenttostay,Ihavenoidea.

Earlythenextmorning,beforedawn,Iheardsomeonecallingmefromoutsidemyroom.‘Nowwhocouldthatbe?’Ithought.SoIgotupandlookedout.TherewasColonelSutjai.‘Whatareyoudoinghere?’Iaskedhim.

‘Ihaven’tbeenabletosleepallnight,’hesaid.‘EverytimeIclosemyeyes,IseeyourfaceandIkeepwonderinghowyou’regoingtogetallthewaytoKorattravelingalone.Ican’thelpfeelingsorryforyou.SoI’dliketogiveyoutenbahttowardyourtrainticket.’

ItoldhimI’dbepleasedtoaccepthismoneyandhadoneofthetempleboyscomeandtakeittoputinsafekeeping.LaterthefollowingnightthethoughtoccurredtomethatColonelSutjaimightbeplayingatrickonme.‘Ibetthatbilliscounterfeit,’Ithought,soIaskedthetempleboytofetchthebillandtakeagoodlookatittoseewhetherornotitwasfake.Heassuredmeitwasn’t.

Thenextmorning,beforedawn,ColonelSutjaicamecallingformeagain.‘I’mworriedaboutthemoneyIgaveyou,’hesaid.‘I’mafraiditwon’tbeenough.’Thenheadded,‘WhenareyouleavingforKorat?’

‘Tomorrow,’Ianswered.Sohepromised,‘I’lltakeyoutothestationandbuyyourticketforyou.’Then

heleft.Thenextdayhewentandboughttheticket—itcostelevenbaht—andputmeonthetrain.

ThetrainpulledintotheNakhornSawanstationinthemiddleofthenight.Ididn’tknowwhereIwouldstayuntilIspottedanemptysala.Iwentthereandhungupmyumbrellatent,putdownmybowl,andsatdowntorestforawhile.Amiddle-agedmancamealongandaskedifhecouldjoinme.‘Ifhe’sathief,’Ithought,‘I’llbestrippedofmybowlandbelongingstonightbecauseI’mdead

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tired.I’llprobablysleeplikealog.Butwhattheheck.Lethimstay.’Asitturnedout,nothinghappenedthatnight.Infact,earlythenextmorning

themanboughtsomefoodtodonatetome.Atsevenweboardedthetraintogether,headingsouth.HewasanativeofKabinburi,inPrajinburiprovince,andhadbeenuptoseehisdaughterinPhichit.

WhenwereachedBaanPhachijunctionIchangedtrainsforNakhornRatchasima(Korat),arrivingthereatsixintheevening.IwenttostaywithAjaanSingh,whohadfoundedamonasteryandbeenlivingthereforthreeyears.IaskedfornewsofAjaanMun,butAjaanSinghhadnoideaofhiswhereabouts.

I DECIDEDtospendtheRainsRetreatthatyearinNakhornRatchasimaprovince.Justbeforetherainsstarted,alaypersonfromKrathoag(nowChokchai)districtcameandaskedAjaanSinghforamonktocomeandstayinhistown.ThelaypersonwasKhunAmnaadAmnueykit,theDistrictOfficialthereinKrathoag.AjaanSinghaskedmetogo,andIdecidedtoaccepttheinvitation.Asitturnedout,Istayedon,teachingthemonks,novices,andlaypeopleinKrathoagfortwoyears.

AttheendofmyfirstRainsRetreatthere,Igotnewsfromhomethatmyfatherwasveryill,soImadeplanstoreturnhometovisithim.BeforeIleft,KhunAmnaadAmnueykitinvitedmetogiveasermonathishome.Thiswastheeighthdayaftertheendoftherains(October12).Ataboutfiveintheevening,beforeIleftforKhunAmnaad’shouse,therewasapeculiarincident.Aswarmofmorethan100squirrelscamerunningintothemonasteryandgatheredontheporchofthehutbelongingtooneofthemonks,PhraYen.NothinglikethishadeverhappenedsincemyarrivalinKrathoag,sobeforeleavingthemonasteryIcalledallthemonksandnovicestomyquartersforameeting.‘There’sgoingtobeanincidenttonight,soIwantyoualltobeonyourtoes.Afteryou’vefinishedtheeveningchanting,

(a)youaretoreturntoyourquarters,sitquietly,andmeditate.Don’tsitaroundtalking.Eachpersonshouldkeeptohimself.

(b)Ifyouhaveanypersonalbusinesstotakecareof,likesewingrobes,saveitforanothernight.’

IthenleftfortheDistrictOfficial’shouse.Atseventhatevening,afterIhadbeenonthesermonseatforhalfanhour—preachingtotheDistrictOfficial,civilservants,andothertownspeopleaboutthevirtuesoftheBuddha,Dhamma,Sangha,andone’sbenefactors—twolaymenfromnearthemonasterycamelookingforme,butbecauseIwassittingtherepreachingwithmyeyesclosed,theydidn’tdareinterrupt.Afterthesermonwasover,theyinformedtheDistrictOfficialthatsomeonehadtriedtostabPhraYen,buthehadreceivedonlya

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surfacewound.Onhearingthis,theDistrictOfficialcalledhisassistantandanumberof

policemen,andtheywenttoseewhatwasupatBongChiiCemeteryMonastery.Iwentalongwiththem.Theofficialswereabletotracethesuspect—amannamedNaiIn—toavillagewheretheyfoundhimhidingoutinafriend’shouse.TheDistrictOfficialhadthepolicetakebothNaiInandhisfriendintocustody.

Thepolicecontinuedtoinvestigatethematterforseveraldays,whileweatthemonasteryranourowninvestigation.WelearnedthatsincemycomingtospendtherainsthereatBongChiiCemeteryMonastery,thewayIandtheothermonksinthemonasteryhadconductedourselveshadreceivedagreatdealofpraisefromtheDistrictOfficial,civilservants,townspeople,andmostofthepeopleinthenearbyvillages.Othertemplesintheareahadbecomejealousasaresultand,notwantingustostayonthere,hadlaidplanstofrightenusawaybydoingusbodilyharm.

Asforthepolice,theytriedtointerrogateNaiInbutdidn’tgetanywherebecausehewouldn’tconfess.Sofinallythechiefofpolicecameandtoldme,‘Whetherornotheconfesses,I’llstillhavetokeephimbehindbarsforawhile,becausehe’sinmycustody.TomorrowI’lltakehimtotheprovincialprison.’

Hearingthis,IfeltsorryforNaiIn.Totellthetruth,hewasascoundrelfromwayback,butIhadhadhimrunanumberoferrandsforthemonastery,suchashelpingusfindfirewood,soinawayhewasafollowerofmine.IthusaskedthechiefofpolicetobringNaiInandhisfriendtoseemelaterintheday.

Ataboutthreeintheafternoonthechiefofpolicebroughtthetwoofthemtothemonastery.IsaidtoNaiIn,‘Ifit’struethatyou’reinvolvedinthis,Idon’teverwantyoutodoitagain.Nomatterwhetherit’sacaseofamonkoralayperson,Iwantyoutostop.Ifit’snottruethatyou’reguilty,thenitmeansyou’reagoodperson.SotodayI’mgoingtoaskthechiefofpolicetogivemeNaiIn.FromtodayonwardsI’llaskNaiInnottocausethemonasteryanytrouble.MaythechiefofpolicepleaseletNaiIngo,sothatthere’llbenomoreanimositybetweenus.’

Thatwastheendofthematter.Fromthatdayon,NaiInbecameveryclosetothemonastery.Ifweeverhadanyerrandstoberunorworktobedone,wecouldalwayscallonhim.AsforthepeopleinChokchaiwhohadonceresentedourpresence,theynowbegantoholdusinawe.Thewordgotaround:‘OneofAjaanLee’sstudents,PhraYen,wasstabbedfullforcewithascythe,andyetthebladedidn’tevenentertheskin—justgavehimafoot-longscratch.Ifhisstudentisthatinvulnerable,justthinkwhathe’slike!’

Actually,thetruthofthematterwasnothinglikethatatall,andhadnothingtodowithPhraYen’sbeingcharmedorinvulnerableoranything.What

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happenedwassimplythatPhraYenhadtakenachairandasewingmachinethateveningandplacedthemontheporchofhishut,whichwasaboutameterofftheground.Ashewassittinginthechair,sewinghisrobes,theattackerstandingonthegroundtriedtostabhimintheleftshoulderwithalong-handledscythe.Thehandlestruckthechair,though,sothescytheleftonlyasurfacewound.

AfterwardsIcalledthemonksandnovicestogetheranddrewanumberoflessonsfromtheincident.Ifinishedbysaying,‘Don’tloseyournerveifthereareanymoreincidents.Iwantyoualltostayhereinpeace.I’mgoingtogovisitmyfatherinUbon.’

IthensetoutforUbon.Reachinghome,Ifoundmyfatherseriouslyill,wastingawayfromoldage—hewasnow69.Istayedclosetohim,nursingandcaringforhimforseveralmonthsuntiltherainsgrewnear,whenIreturnedtospendasecondRainsRetreatbackatBongChiiCemeteryMonastery.Ilaterreceivednewsthathepassedawayinthemiddleoftherains,onSeptember8.

TOWARDTHEENDoftheRainsRetreat,IbeganthinkingmoreandmoreoftenofAjaanMun.Idecided,withouttellinganyone,thatIwouldhavetoleavethemonasterythatdryseason.IwenttoWatSalawaninNakhornRatchasimatotakemyleaveofAjaanSingh,andhegavehispermissionformetogo,whichpleasedmeimmensely.IreturnedtoChokchaitosayfarewelltothemonks,novices,andlaypeoplethere.Oneofmyverygoodfriends,apersonwhohadgivenalotofsolidsupportinhelpingtobuildandlookafterthemonastery,toldme,‘Ifyoudon’tcomebackhereforthenextRainsRetreat,I’mgoingtoputacurseonyou,youknow.’ThatwasDoctorWaad,thetowndoctorinChokchai.SoItoldhim,‘Whatdoyouwant,afterallI’vetaughtyouaboutinconstancy?’

Sothen,withahandfuloffollowers,IwentdeepintotheIjaanwilderness,passingthebranchdistrictofNangRongandreachingPhnomRungmountainjustinsidethebordersofBuriramprovince.Weclimbedthemountainandstayedforseveraldayshighonthesummit.

Thereonthesummitwereanumberofancientstonetemplesandlargestonepoolsfilledwithwater.Themountainwasfarfromanyhabitation.OnedayIwentwithoutfood,butmymeditationwentwell.Afewdayslaterweclimbeddownandspentanightbyapoolatthefootofthemountain.ThenextmorningwewentforalmsandthenwalkedonforanumberofdaysuntilwereachedTalungdistrictinBuriram.ItsohappenedthatKhunAmnaadAmnueykithadjustbeentransferredheretobetheDistrictOfficial.Wewerebothveryhappytoseeeachother.Afterstayingforafewdays,ItookmyleaveofKhunAmnaadsothatIcouldgointoCambodia.

Onthistriptherewerefiveofusaltogether—twoboys,twoothermonks,and

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myself.KhunAmnaadarrangedtemporarypassportsforus.WewentdownintoCambodia,travelingfirsttoAmpil,thenpassingthroughalargejungletoSvayChek,andfromthereonfoottoSisophon.AfterourarrivalatSisophon,anumberoflaypeoplecametodiscusstheDhammawithme.Theybecameveryimpressedandbegantofollowmeinthrongs.Whenthetimecametoleave,someofthem—bothmenandwomen—begantocry.

WhileIwasatSvayChektherehadbeenonepersonwhoheldmeingreatesteemandwhobroughthisdaughtertotalkwithmeeveryday.*Hisdaughtertoldmethatshewasunmarried.Thetoneoftheirvoicestoldmethattheywantedmetosettledownthere.They’dbewillingtohelpmeineveryway,theysaid.Justpleasestay.Asthedayspassed,weseemedtotakemoreandmoreofalikingtoeachother.WhenIcouldseethatthingswerebeginningtogetoutofhand,IrealizedthatI’dhavetobegoing,soIsaidgoodbyeandheadedsouthforSisophon.

FromSisophonwewentonfoottoBattambang,wherewestayedinthecemeteryatWatTa-aek,aboutakilometerfromtown.InBattambangImetalaymanwhoknewKhunAmnaadAmnueykit.Hegavemeaheartywelcomeandintroducedmetoalotofpeopleintown.Afterstayingthereagoodwhile,wesaidgoodbyeandheadedfortheprovinceofSiemReap.Wecampedforawhileatacemeteryintheforest,whereanumberofpeoplecametodonatefood.FromthereweleftforAngkorWat,wherewestayedandwanderedabout,lookingatalltheancientruins.

Wespenttwonightsthere.Thefirstdaywehadameal,theseconddaywedecidednotto,becausetherewashardlyanyonetoplacefoodinourbowlswhenwewentoutforalms.

LeavingAngkorWatweheadedforPhnomPenh.Alongthewayweclimbedahuge,tallmountain:anice,quietsecludedplacewithplentyofdrinkingwater.ThemountainwascalledPhnomKulen—WildLycheeMountain.Atthesummitwerescoresofwildlycheetrees,bearingbrightredfruits.About20smallvillagessurroundedthebaseofthemountain.WestayedthereafewdaysinaVietnamesetemplethathadaBuddhaimagecarvedintotherockofalargeoverhangingcliff.Whilethere,Itookadvantageoftheopportunitytoexplorethenearbycaves.

Nearthetemplewasavillageofabouttenhouseholdsthatwewereabletodependonforalms.Stayinginthetempleweretwopeople—aCambodianmonk,about50yearsoldandwithonlyonegoodeye,andalayfollower.WheneverIhadnothingelsetodo,I’dsitanddiscussDhammawiththemonk.Asforthecaves,thereweretwoofthem:onewhereIstayedwithmyfollowing,andtheother,abouttenmetersfromtheBuddhaimage,wherealargetigerlived.Atthetime,though,becauseitwasApril,thetigerhadgonedowntoliveinthelowlandforests.Whentherainsbegan,itwouldcomebacktostayinthecave.

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OneafternoonIleftthecaveandreturnedtostayattheVietnamesetemple.Altogetherwestayedthereforaboutaweek.Wethenleft,goingdownthewestsideofthemountain.Ittooktenhoursofclimbingtogetthroughthemountainsbeforereachingtheflatlands.

Wethentraveledaroundtothesouthofthemountainrangeandstoppedinaforestnearavillage.Therealaypersoncametotellmeanumberofstrangestoriesthatreallytookmyfancy.Thisisthegistofwhathehadtosay:Aboutthreekilometersfromthevillagewerethreemountainscoveredwithstreamsandopenforests.Thestrangethingaboutthemountainswasthatifanyonewenttocutanyofthetrees,hewouldeitherdieaviolentdeath,becomeseriouslyill,orsuffermisfortuneofonesortoranother.Sometimesonthelunarsabbath,inthemiddleofthenight,abrightlightwouldcomeshootingoutofthesummitofthethirdmountain.ItseemedthatanumberoftimesmonkshadgonetospendtheRainsRetreatontopofthethirdmountain,buthadhadtoleaveinthemiddleoftheretreat,becauseofeitherstrongwinds,rains,orlightningstrikes.

Thisbeingthecase,hewantedmetoclimbtothetopofthemountaintoseewhatwasthere.Sothenextmorningwesetoutforthethirdmountain.Afterclimbingtothetop,Ilookedovertheareaandfoundittobeapleasantandinvitingplacetostay.Thepeopleinmyfollowing,though,wereafraidandbegancryingthattheydidn’twanttostay,sointheendwehadtoclimbbackdown.Onthewaybackwepassedthroughavillageandthenwentontospendthenightinaquietforestnearby.

Thenextmorning,whenwewentforalmsinthevillage,anoldwomancarryingabowlofricecamerunningafterus,callingandwavingherarms.Westoppedandwaitedasshecaughtupwithus,kneeleddown,andplacedfoodinourbowls.Afterreceivingheralms,weheadedbacktowherewewerestaying,andshefollowedbehindus.Whenshereachedourcampsite,shetoldus,‘Lastnight,justbeforedawn,Idreamedthatsomeonecameandtoldmetogetupandfixsomefood.Adhutangamonkwasgoingtocomebyonhisalmsround.’Soshehadgottenupandfixedfoodjustasshehaddreamed,andsureenough,metusasweweregoingforalms,whichiswhyshehadbeensoexcited.

Thateveningthevillagershadspreadwordamongthemselvestocomelistentoasermon,andasdarknessfellalotofthemcame.BythistimeIhadbeenwanderingaroundCambodiaformorethanamonth,tothepointwhereIwasabletopreachtheDhammainCambodianwellenoughthatwecouldunderstandoneanotherfairlywell.

AfewdayslaterIlearnedfromoneofthelaypeopletherethataCambodianmonkwhohadstudiedtheTripitakaandwasexpertintranslatingPaliwantedtocomeandquizmeontheDhamma.‘That’sokay,’Itoldhim.‘Lethimcome.’Andsothenextafternoonheactuallycame.Wediscussedanddebatedthe

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Dhammauntilwewereabletoreachagoodunderstandingofeachother’spracticesandwaysofconduct.Thewholeaffairwentbysmoothlyandpeacefully,withoutincident.

Ispentquiteafewdaysinthearea,tothepointwhereIbegantofeelquiteclosetomanyofthelaypeoplethere.IthensaidfarewellandstartedbacktoSisophon.Quiteanumberoflaypeople,bothmenandwomen,followedafterus,forminganescortthatfellawaybystages.

ReachingSisophonwestayedfortwonightsandthenwenttovisitacaveinanearbymountain—afine,secludedplace.AChinesemonkwaslivingtherealone,sowesatanddiscussedtheDhamma.WehititoffsowellthatheinvitedmetostayandspendtheRainsRetreatthere.Noneofmyfollowing,though,wantedtostayon.

FromtherewewalkedtotheborderatAranyaprathet,wherewecrossedbackintoThailand.AfterstayingafairwhileinAranyaprathet,weheadeddeepintotheforest,skirtingthemountainranges,intendingtocrossintoNakhornRatchasimaprovinceviatheBuphraampass.

BythispointitwasnearingtimetostopfortheRainsRetreat.Therewasrainallalongtheway,leecheswereeverywhere,andtravelingwasbynomeanseasy.WedecidedtocomeoutaroundPha-ngawbMountainandonalongthroughWangHawk—LancePalace—PassuntilwereachedBaanTakhro,Prachantakhamdistrict,thereinPrajinburiprovince.ThetrailalongWangHawkPass,ifwehadkeptongoing,wouldhaveledusthroughanotherjungleandthenacrosstheborderintoNakhornRatchasimaprovinceatthebranchdistrictofSakaeLang.Butwedecidednottotravelonbecausetherainsweregettingveryheavy,andsospenttheRainsRetreatthereinBaanTakhro.Thiswastheyear1934.

BAANTAKHROissetnearthefootofamountainbyalarge,deepstreamthatflowsdownintothedistrictseatatPrachantakham.Wespenttherainsatthefootofthemountain.Onememberofmyfollowing—BhikkhuSon—wasn’twillingtostaythereandsoheadedthroughPrajinburiandspenttherainsatKawkMountaininNakhornNayokprovince.Thisleftjusttwoofustospendtherainstogether—alongwiththetwoyoungboys—inanoldsalaattheedgeofthestream.Inthecourseoftherainsthereweresevenflashfloods,sometimeswiththewatersohighthatwehadtoclimbupandsleepintherafters.Weseemedtosufferalotofhardshipsthatyear.

Thevillagewasthickwithpoison,andcrawlingwithbanditsandthieves:Thepeopletheremadeasteadypracticeofstealingwaterbuffaloesandcowstokillformeat.Itriedtoteachthemtoabandontheirevilwaysandtodonothingbutgood,andeventuallysomeofthemactuallygaveupmakingpoisonandstopped

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killinglargeanimalssuchaswaterbuffaloesandcows.WordofthisspreaduntilitreachedtheearsoftheecclesiasticalheadofPrajinburiprovinceatWatMakawk.

AttheendoftherainshecameuplookingformeandhadmereturnwithhimtothetownofPrajinburi.Hewasinneedofmeditationmonks,hesaid,soIwentalong.Heintroducedmetothechiefofpolice,aswellastotheProvincialGovernor,LuangSinsongkhram.Ioverheardthegovernorsaytotheecclesiasticalhead,‘Askhimtostayhereintheprovincetohelpteachthepeopleandstampoutbanditryintheout-lyingdistricts.’Hearingthis,Isaidtomyself,‘You’dbettergetoutofthisprovincebeforetheyputyouonaleash.’

SoItookmyleaveoftheecclesiasticalheadofPrajinburiprovinceandtookmygrouptostayinGrandfatherKhenCaveinItoMountain.FromthereweheadedtothebranchdistrictofSraKaeo(CrystalPool)inKabinburidistrict,wherewewentdeepintotheforest.WewenttolookoveracaveinBigLionMountain,butIdidn’tcareforwhatIsawbecausetheairinthecavewasdarkandstale.Soweretracedourstepsbackdownthemountain.Thatdaywetookashortcutthroughtheforest,headingforacertainvillage,butgotlostbecauseweweretravelinginthemiddleofthenight.Wekeptwalkinguntilabout4a.m.,cuttingthroughvirginforestsoastoreachthevillage,butendedupbackpracticallywherewehadstarted,nearSraKaeo.

Thenextmorning,afterourmeal,wewentintotheforest,headingforChakan(YoungSavage)Mountain,whichwasabout15kilometersfromSraKaeo.Reachingthevillageatthefootofthemountain,wewenttostayinChakanCave.Thecavewasaquiet,secludedspot,freefromhumandisturbances,becausethemountainaboundedonallsideswithfierceanimals:tigers,elephants,andbears.Deepinthequietofthenight,sittinginmeditation,youcouldhearthecallsoftheelephantsastheywentabout,breakingofftreebrancheswiththeirtrunks.Therewasavillageaboutakilometerfromthemountain.Westayedthereinthecaveagoodmanydays.

Fromtherewecutthroughagiantforest—astretchof70kilometerswithnohumanhabitation.Ittooktwodaystogetthrough,andwehadtospendtwonightssleepingoutinthemiddleofthewildsbecausethereweren’tanyvillages.WekeptongoinguntilwecrossedtheborderintoChanthaburiprovince,passingthroughBaanTaaRyang,BaanTaaMuun,andonintoMakham(Tamarind)district.FromthereweskirtedaroundtheforestbehindSraBaab(SinPond)MountainandreachedKhlungdistrict.InKhlungIlearnedthatKhunAmnaadAmnueykithadleftgovernmentserviceandwasnowlivinginretirementinChanthaburi.ThisIwasgladtohear.

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I PASSEDTHROUGHthecityofChanthaburiandwenttostayinanopenfieldtothesouthoftown,bythecanaltoBaanPraduu,beforegoingtovisitKhunAmnaadathishome.Hefoundmeaquietplacetostay:aburialgroundabout800metersfromtown.Thiswasanareaofbambooandtaewtrees,thicklyovergrownwithgrass,withonlyoneclearinglargeenoughtostayin:theclearingwheretheyheldcremations.TheplacewascalledKhlawngKung(ShrimpCanal)Cemetery.ThiswashowIcametostaythere.Bythispointtherewasonlyoneothermonkstayingwithme—anoldmonkwhohadfollowedmefromPrajinburi—andoneboy.Theothershadlefttoreturnhome.

Astherainsneared,anumberofChanthaburipeopleaskedmetostayandspendtheRetreatthere,soIwenttoinformtheecclesiasticalheadoftheprovince,buthewouldn’tallowit.SoIhadKhunAmnaadgoinpersontoinformtheecclesiasticalheadoftheSoutheastRegion,PhraRajakaviatWatDebsirininBangkok.PhraRajakavisentalettertotheprovincialhead,havinghimgivemepermissiontospendtherainsthereinthecemetery.

IfirstcametostayhereinKhlawngKungCemeteryonMarch5,1935.ThatfirstrainyseasonthepracticeoftheDhammabegantocatchonamonganumberofdifferentpeopleinthecityofChanthaburi.Amonkandanovicecametospendtherainswithme.Attheendoftherainswewentoff,wanderingfromplacetoplaceintheprovince,andevenmorepeoplebecameinterestedinpracticingtheDhamma.Atthesametime,though,anumberofpeople—bothmonksandlaypeople—becamejealousandresentful,andstartedafull-scalecampaignagainstme.Postersbeganappearingonthesignboardsinthemiddleoftown,makingchargesagainstmethatbecamemoreandmoreseriousastimewenton.

Onedayanoldwoman,claimingtobeafollowerofmine,wentthroughtowntakingupacollection,askingformoneyandrice,claimingthatshehadaccompaniedmeonmywanderings.ShecanvassedthetownuntilshecametothehouseofPrinceAnuwatWoraphong.ThePrincecalledherintohishousetoquestionherandafterwardsstartedspreadinginvidiousremarksaboutme,eventhoughIwascompletelyignorantofwhatwasgoingon.Hetalkedtopeopleonthestreet,instoresandintheirhomes,sayingthatIwasano-goodvagrantmonk,lettingmyfollowerswanderaboutpesteringpeople,takingupcollections.Thissuddenlybecameabigissueallovertown.Ihadnoideawhathadstartedtheissue.

ItsohappenedthatKhunNaiKimlang,thewifeofKhunAmnaad,andNangFyang,bothofwhomknewwellwhatsortofpersonIwas,learnedoftherumorsandwentstraighttothehomeofPrinceAnuwat,wheretheyalsofoundtheprovincialgovernor.TheybegantotakeissuewiththePrince,saying,‘You’vebeengoingaroundmakingvicious,unfoundedchargesagainstourajaan,and

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fromnowonwewantyoutostop!’Thisstartedabigscenerightthereinfrontoftheprovincialgovernor.Finally,aftermakinganinvestigation,theydiscoveredthattheoldwomanwasconnectedwiththemonksatWatMaiandwasnofollowerofmine;andthatIhadneverhadanywomenaccompanymeonmywanderings.Thatwastheendofthematter.

DuringmysecondrainsinChanthaburitherewasanotheraffair.ThistimeanumberoflaypeoplewenttotheSupremePatriarchatWatBovornivesinBangkokandchargedmewithbeingafraud.TheSupremePatriarchsentalettertotheprovincialhead,PhraKhruGurunathaofWatChanthanaram,tellinghimtolookintothematter.SoIimmediatelycopieddowntheinformationinmymonasticidentificationpapersandsentittotheSupremePatriarch,whothentoldustowaitwherewewere,thathewouldcomeandseeforhimselfaftertheendoftheRainsRetreat.

Andwhentherainswereover,hecametoChanthaburi.WhenIlearnedthattheboathewastravelingonhaddockedatThaaChalaeb,Ihadacontingentoflaypeoplegotogreethim.HespentthenightatWatChanthanaramandthenextmorning,afterbreakfast,cametoseemeatwhatwasnowKhlawngKungForestMonastery.Iinvitedhimtodeliverasermontothelaypeoplepresent,buthedeclinedtheinvitation,saying,‘I’mafraidI’veneverpracticedmeditation.HowcouldIdeliverameditationsermon?’Hethenwentontosay,‘I’velearnedthatagreatnumberofpeoplehereholdyouinveryhighesteem.Monkslikeyouarehardtofind.’Withthat,hereturnedtoWatChanthanaramandthentoBangkok.

Duringmythirdrainyseasonthere,thepeopleinChanthaburicameoutinevengreaternumberstohearmysermons,tothepointwhereNaiSawngKui,theownerofthebuslines,feltmovedtoannouncethathewouldgiveadiscounttoanyonewhotookhisbustohearthesermonsofthisajaan(meaningme).Asformyselfandtheothermonksandnovicesinthemonastery,wecouldtakehisbusesanywhereintownfreeofcharge.Daybyday,moreandmorepeople—includingtheprovincialgovernoranddistrictofficialsineverydistrict—cametoknowme.

Whentherainswereover,IwentouttowanderthroughthevarioustownshipsineverydistrictofChanthaburiprovince,teachinganddeliveringsermonstothepeople.WhenIreturnedtotheprovincialcapital,IwouldgoalmosteverySundaytodeliversermonsintheprovincialprison.AtthattimePhraNikornbodiwasprovincialgovernor;andKhunBhumiprasat,thedistrictofficialinThaaMai(NewPort).Bothofthemseemedespeciallyeagertohelpmegetabout.Sometimestheywouldaskmetogivesermonstoprisoners,eitherinthemonasteryorinthedistrictoffices.Onotheroccasions,theywouldaskmetogivesermonstothepeopleinthedifferenttownshipsinThaaMaidistrict,

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especiallyinNaaYaiAam(GrandmotherAam’sField),adenselyforestedareacrawlingwithbanditsandthieves.Imadeaconstantefforttokeeponteachingthepeopleinthisway.

Theprovincialcapitalcontinuedtobethickwithincidentsandrumorsconcoctedbypeoplehot-eyedwithjealousy,butnoneofthiseverfazedmeintheleast.SometimesKhunNaiKimlang,asupporterIrespectedasifsheweremymother,wouldcometomeandsay,‘They’regoingtomakethingshardforyouinallkindsofways.They’lleitherbesendingwomenhere,orelsegangsters,lookingforanopeningtosmearyourname.*Areyouuptothefight?Ifnot,you’dbettergolivesomeplaceelse.’

SoI’danswer,‘BringontwomoreChanthaburi’s.I’mnotgoingtorunaway.ButIcantellyouthatassoonastherearenomoreincidents,Iprobablywillwanttorunaway.’

Ikeptupmyeffortstodogood.Somevillagesintheprovincewantedmeditationmonkstocomeliveonasteadybasis,andinparticular,KhunBhumiprasatwantedmonkstogoliveatNaaYaiAam.Ididn’thaveanymonkstospare,butIpromisedtofindsomeforhim.IsentalettertoAjaanSingh,askingformonks,andhesentdownagroupoffivewhothenwenttosetupamonasteryinNaaYaiAam.

Thiswasareallypoorvillage.Theywerehardpressedtofindevenashoveltodigpostholesforthemonks’quarters.AfterIhadsentthemonkstolivethere,Igottogetheracontingentoflaypeople—headedbyKhunNaiHong,wifeofLuangAnuthai,andKhunNaiKimlang—togovisitthem.Whenwereachedthemonks’residenceinNaaYaiAamandsawthedestituteconditionsunderwhichthevillagersandmonkswereliving,KhunNaiKimlanglosthertemper:‘Herewe’vebroughtmonksoutheretosufferandstarve!Don’tstayhere,’shetoldthemonks.‘ComebackwithustoChanthaburi.’

WhenAjaanKongma,theleaderofthemonks,heardthis,helostnerveandactuallydecidedtoreturntoChanthaburi.Asaresult,themonasteryfellvacant,withnomonksstayingonfortherains.Afterthat,AjaanKongmawenttostartamonasteryinBaanNawngBua—LotusMarshVillage—andtrainedthelaypeoplethere,andinthiswayhelpedtospreadtheDhammainChanthaburiprovince.

DURINGTHEYEARSImadeChanthaburimyhomebase,Iwanderedaboutthroughanumberofotherprovincesaswell.OnceIwenttoTrat.IstayednexttothecemeteryatWatLamduanalongwithafollowingoftenorsopeoplefromChanthaburi.Thatnightaround200laypeoplecameouttohearasermon.JustasdarknesswasfallingandIwasgettingreadytopreach,therewasanincident:Someonethrewthreehugebricksintothemiddleoftheassembly.I

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myselfhadnoideawhatthiswassupposedtomean.Soundsofindignationspreadthroughthegroup.ThatwastheyearthewarwiththeFrenchstarted.Ihadbeenconstantlyhearingthesoundofgunsoutoffthecoast,andassoonastheincidentoccurred,Ithoughtofbullets.Somepeoplegotupandweregettingreadytochaseafterthebandits,soIstoppedthem.‘Don’tgetinvolved,’Isaid.‘Don’tgoafterthem.Ifthey’regoodpeople,youshouldfollowthem,butifthey’rebadpeople,don’t.Followmeinstead.I’mnotafraidofanything—includingbullets,nottomentionbricks.

Ifyou’reshotinthemouth,it’llcomeoutyourrear,Sothere’snooneintheworldyoushouldfear.’

Assoonastheyheardthis,thewholegroupfellsilent.Ithendeliveredasermononthetheme,‘Non-violenceishappinessintheworld.’

Afterwehadstayedthereafairwhile,wewentontoLaemNgobdistricttovisitthewifeofthedistrictofficial,whowasrelatedtooneofthelaypeopleinthegroup.Twodayslater,IgotthegrouptotakeaboatacrossthestraittoKoChang(ElephantIsland),wherewestayeddeepinthequietforest.Afterteachingthemforawhile,ItookthembacktoLaemNgob.

Wewenttostayinanareatothenorthofthedistrictoffices,underagiantbanyantree.Altogethertherewerealmost20laypeoplewithme.Eachofusarrangedhisownplacetostay.Whenwewereallsettled,ataboutthreeintheafternoon,Istartedfeelingtired,soIenteredmyumbrellatenttorestforawhile.Iwasn’tabletogetanyrest,though,becauseofallthenoisethepeopleweremaking—cuttingfirewood,talking,startingfires.SoIgotupfrommymeditation,stuckmyheadoutofthetentandcalledout,‘What’sthematterwithyouall?’

BeforeIcouldsayanythingmore,Isawahugecloudofseamosquitoesoffthecoast,headingfortheshadeofthebanyantree.Itoccurredtome,‘I’mapersonofgoodwill.Ihaven’tkilledalivingbeingsinceIwasordained.’SoIopenedmymosquitonetting,foldeditup,andsaidtoallthemonksandlaypeoplethere,‘Everyoneputoutyourfires,rightnow.Lightincense,foldupyourmosquitonetting,andsittogetherinmeditation.I’mgoingtomeditateandspreadgoodwilltofightoffthemosquitoes—withoutpullinganypunches.’Everyoneobeyed.Igaveafive-minutesermonongoodwill,andthecloudofmosquitoesdissolvedawayandvirtuallydisappeared.Notasingleoneofthembitanyoneinourgroup.

Wespentthenightthere.Intheeveningalargenumberoflaypeople,includingtheDistrictOfficial,civilservantsandothersintown,cametohearasermon,soIpreachedtheDhammatothem.

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Afterstayingonforafairwhile,wesetoutonfootthroughKhlawngYai(BigCanal)townshipandacrossItoMountain.ReachingLaemYang,wemetoneofmyfollowerswhohadbroughtaboatfromChanthaburitotransportplowshares.HeinvitedustoreturntoChanthaburionhisboat,TheGoldenPrince.HishomewasinLaemSingh(Lion’sPoint),notfarfromthetownofChanthaburi.SowereturnedtoKhlawngKungForestMonasteryandthereIspenttheRainsRetreatasusual.

DURINGTHERAINSthatyearIfellill.Icamedownwithfiercestomachpains,andnomatterwhatItookforthem,theywouldn’tgoaway.OnenightIsatupinmeditationalmosttilldawn.Atabout4a.m.Ifellhalf-asleepanddreamed,‘Mydiseaseisakarmadisease.There’snoneedtotakeanymedicine.’Thatis,whileIwassittinginmeditation,Ifeltabsolutelystill,almostasifIhadfallenasleep,andavisionappeared:abirdcagecontainingathin,famisheddove.Themeaningwasthis:Ihadoncekeptapetdoveandhadforgottentofeeditforseveraldaysrunning.Thiskarmawasnowbearingfruit,causingmetohavegastritis.Therefore,therewasonlyonewaytocureit—todogoodbywayofthemind.Idecideditwastimetogooffalone.

AftertheendoftheRainsRetreatIwentoffwandering,teachingandpreachingtothelaypeopleasIwent,bywayofThaaMaiallthewaytoPaakNamPrasae,KlaengdistrictinRayongprovince.ThereIstayedofftoonesideofthetown.Alotoftownspeople,mostlyChinese,cametomakemeritanddonatefood.TherewasoneChinesewomanabout40yearsoldwhocameandsaidshewantedtoshaveherheadandbecomeanun.‘Iwanttogooffwanderingwithyou,’shetoldme.Shewasalreadydressedinwhiteandreadytobeordained.Butanincidentoccurred:twoofhersonscameandpleadedwithhertogobackhome.Itseemedthatshehadanotherchild,onlytwomonthsold,butstillshewasn’twillingtogoback.Thiscreatedabigdisturbance.

Allthatwhileitseemedthatthelaypeoplewouldn’tleavemeinpeace.Duringtheday,Ihadnotimeformyself.AtnightIhadtopreach.

OnedayIcrossedovertothewestoftown,hopingtoevadetheChinesewoman,whohadgonebackhometogatherherthings.AsIwasgoingthroughtownIpassedoneofhersonsheadingintheoppositedirection.AfterIhadfinishedmymealthatdayIdecidedtogetawayfrompeoplebygoingdeepintoathorn-infestedcemetery.UndertheshadeofalowtreeIspreadoutareedmatandlaydowntorest.Beforeclosingmyeyes,Imadeavow:‘Ifit’snotyet2p.m.,Iwon’tleavethisspot.’

Afteramomentorsotherewasarustlingsoundupinthetopofthetree.Ilookedupandsawthatanestoflargeredantshadbrokenopen.Thiswas

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becausetherewasavinewrappedaroundthenest.Ihadsatdownonthebaseofthevine,andsonowredantswerespillingoutontomymat,swarmingalloverme,bitinginearnest.

Isatrightup.Theywereallovermylegs.Imadeupmymindtospreadthoughtsofgoodwill,dedicatingthemerittoalllivingbeingsandmakingavow:‘Sincebecomingordained,I’venevereventhoughtofkillingorharmingalivingbeing.IfinapreviouslifetimeI’veevereatenorharmedanyofyouall,thengoaheadandbitemeuntilyou’vehadyourfill.ButifI’veneverharmedyou,thenlet’scallanendtothis.Don’tbitemeatall.’

Havingmademyvow,Isatinmeditation.Mymindwasstill—absolutelysilent.Therustlingsoundoftheantsdisappeared.Notaoneofthembitme.IreallyfeltamazedattheDhamma.Openingmyeyes,Ifoundthemswarminginhugenumbersinalinearoundtheedgeofthemat.

Atabout11o’clockIheardthevoicesoftwopeoplecominginmydirection.Astheycamenearer,theysuddenlystartedcryingoutinChinese,‘AiYa!AiYa!’Iheardthembeatthemselveswithbranches.Laughingtomyself,Icalledouttothem,‘What’sthematter?’

‘Redants,’theyanswered.‘They’rebitingus.’Asaresult,neitherofthemwasabletogetanywherenearme.When2p.m.finallyarrived,IleftmyrestingplaceandcameouttowhereIhadoriginallypitchedcamp.ThereIlearnedthatthetwoChinesewhohadcometoseemeweresonsofthewomanwhowantedtogowithme,soIsatandtalkedwiththem.Theypleadedwithmetohelpthem,nottolettheirmothergowithme,becausethebabywasstillsmallandtheirfatherwasanoldman.

Wheneveningcame,theChinesewomanshowedup,dressedinwhite,anumbrellainherhandandabagoverhershoulder.‘I’mcomingwithyou,’shesaid.Itriedtodiscourageherwithfrighteningstories,butsheansweredbravely,‘I’mnotafraidofanythingatall.AllIaskisthatyouletmegowithyou.’

SoIsaid,‘IfIdon’teat,whatwillyoudo?’‘Iwon’teateither,’sheanswered.‘AndwhatifIdon’tevendrinkwater?’‘Iwon’teither,’sheanswered.‘I’mwillingtodieifIhaveto.’Shecontinued,

‘I’vebeenmiserablebecauseofmyfamilyformanyyearsnow.ButassoonasImetyouIfeltatpeace.Brave.Happyandfree.NowIcaneventeachtheDhammainyourplace.’

Totellthetruth,herThaiwasn’tveryclearatall.SoIturnedandstartedquizzingher.HerreasoningsandexplanationswerepureDhamma.Itwasamazing.Whenshefinished,allthelaypeoplepresent—whohadheardplentyofDhammaintheirtime—raisedtheirhandstotheirforeheadsinrespect.ButIfelt

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heavyatheartforhersake.FinallyIhadtotellherthatwomencouldn’tgowithmonks,andforthenext

fewdaysIcontinuedtoinstructandconsoleher.EversincesettingoutfromChanthaburi—31daysaltogether—Ihadbeensufferingpainsinmystomacheveryday,butassoonasthisincidentoccurredtheyvanished.

Icontinuedteachingheruntilshewaswillingtofollowmyinstructions.Finallysheagreedtoreturnhome.SoItoldher,‘Don’tworry.WheneverIcanfindthetime,I’llbebacktoseeyou.I’mstayingrightnearby,inKhlawngKungForestMonastery.’UptothatpointshehadhadnoideawhereIwasfrom,butassoonasItoldherthis,sheseemedbothpleasedandcontent.Sowhenwehadreachedanunderstanding,IreturnedasusualtoChanthaburi.Thepainsinmystomachweregone.

WHENTHERAINSCAMEAGAIN,IstayedandtaughtthepeopleinChanthaburiasbefore.DuringmyyearsinChanthaburiIwouldgooffattheendoftherainseachyearandwanderthroughthenearbyprovinces,suchasRayong,Chonburi,Prajinburi,Chachoengsao,andthenwouldreturntospendtherainsinChanthaburi.In1939,though,IdecidedtotravelthroughIndiaandBurma,andsomadeallthenecessaryarrangementstogetapassport.ThatNovemberIleftChanthaburiforBangkok,whereIstayedatWatSraPathum.IcontactedpeopleinthevariousgovernmentofficesandtheBritishEmbassy,andtheywereallhelpfulineveryway.LuangPrakawbNitisaanactedasmysponsor,contactingtheembassy,guaranteeingmyfinancialstandingandmypurityvisàvistherulesoftheSanghaandthelawsoftheland.WheneverythingwasinlinewithallthenecessarylegalproceduresandIhadallmynecessarypapers,IleftforPhitsanuloke.FromthereIheadedforSukhothaiandthenontoTaak.InTaakIstayedinatemplewhilethelaypersonwithmewenttobuyplaneticketstoMaeSod.Hedidn’tsucceedingettingthetickets,though,becausealltheflightswerebookedfull.(OnthistripIwasaccompaniedbyafollowernamedNaiChinwho,thoughalittleretarded,wasgoodatmakinghimselfuseful.)

Thenextmorning,afterourmeal,wesetoutonfootfromTaakandcrossedoverPhaaWawmountain.BythetimewereachedMaeSodwehadspenttwonightssleepingonthetrail.InMaeSodwestayedinaBurmesetemplenamedJawngTuaYa—i.e.,ForestTemple.Therewerenomonksthere,though,onlyaShanhilltribesmanwhoknewBurmese.WestayedwithhimalittleoveraweekuntilIhadlearnedafairamountofBurmese,andthenwenton.

AssoonaswehadcrossedtheMoeiRiverandreachedthetownontheotherside,amanofabout30camerunningtowelcomeus.Heinvitedusintohistruck,sayinghewouldtakeustowherewewantedtogo.HewasThai,anative

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ofKamphaengPhet,andhadlefthomeandcometoliveinBurmaforalmost20yearsnow.Thetwoofus—NaiChinandI—acceptedhisinvitationandgotintothetruck.

Werodeintoaforestandstartedupatallmountain,theroadcurvingbackandforth.Itwas2p.m.beforeweleftthemountainrangeandreachedlevelground.WekeptgoinguntilwereachedKawkareik(JikSwamp),andjustasdarknessfellwereachedhishome.Therewespentthenight.Atabout4a.m.aBurmesewomanbroughtsomericeporridgetodonatetomeandtoldmetoeatitrightthenandthere.Irefusedbecauseitwasn’tyetdawn,sosheleftandwaitedoutsideuntilitwaslight.

Afterdaybreak,whenIhadfinishedmymeal,thewifeofthemaninwhosehousewewerestayinggotusontothebustoKyondo(Steamboat)Landing.FromtherewetooktheboattoMoulmein.Theridelastedaboutfourhours.Whilewewereontheboat,IndiansandBurmesecametotalkwithme,butIcouldn’tunderstandmuchofwhattheyweresaying.AtaboutfourintheafternoontheboatreachedMoulmein.FromherewehadtotakeanotherboatacrosstherivertoMartaban,aridethattookafairwhile.Reachingtheshorewecouldseetherailroadstationfarinthedistance.

Thetrainwasn’tgoingtoleaveuntil7p.m.,welearnedatthestation,sowewenttowaitundertheshadeofatree.Ayoungman,about30yearsoldandverywell-mannered,cameandapproachedus,saying,‘Youhavespecialpermissiontositandwaitinthetrainbeforeitleaves,becauseyou’reThaiandhavecomealongway.’Hecalledme‘YodhayaGongYi.’

SoIsaidinEnglish,‘Thankyouverymuch.’Hesmiled,raisedhishandsinrespect,andaskedinEnglish,‘Wheredoyou

comefrom?’‘IcomefromSiam.’Thenwewenttorestinthetraincar.Someoftherailwayofficialscameto

chatwithme,andwewereabletounderstandoneanotherfairlywell,speakinginBurmesemixedwithEnglish.Whenthetimecame,thetrainleft.Wetraveledbynight,andtheairwasverycold.Isleptallwrappedupinablanket.NaiChinsatupandwatchedoverourthings.WhenthetrainreachedthestationatPegu,awomanabout30orsogotonandsatdownrightnearwhereIwassleepingandstartedaskingmequestionsinBurmese,someofwhichIcouldunderstandandsomeofwhichIcouldn’t.Isatuptotalkwithher,inordertobepolite.IsaidinBurmese,‘I’mgoingtoRangoon.’

‘Wherewillyoustay?’‘SchweDagon.’Wetalkedusingsignlanguage.Sheseemedquitetakenwithme.Thetrain

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traveledonuntilabout5a.m.,whenshegotoff.NaiChinandIstayedonuntilthetrainreachedRangoonatdawn,justasthemonksweregoingoutforalms.

Alaypersoncamerunningintothetraincarandhelpeduswithourthings,asifheknewuswell.Heinvitedusintohiscar.Wegotinandsatdownwithoutsayingaword.HetookustoSchweDagonPagoda,wherewefoundaplacetostay.Theman—hisnamewasMawngKhwaen—turnedouttobeaveryfaithfulsupporterallduringourstayinRangoon,lookingafterourneedsandhelpingusineveryway.

WestayedtwelvedaysatthePagodaandgottoknowagoodnumberofBurmeselaypeople.Wewereabletoconverseandunderstandoneanotherfairlywell.

NaiChinandIthenleftRangoon,takingtheboatatthecitydocksandheadingontoIndia.TheboattooktwonightsandthreedaystocrosstheBayofBengal,reachingthedocksatCalcuttajustatdark.OntheboatImetaBengalimonkfromKusinara.WediscussedtheDhamma,sometimesinPali,sometimesinBengali,sometimesinEnglish.Sometimesinonesentencewe’dhavetouseuptothreelanguagesbeforewecouldunderstandeachother,startingoutinBengali,goingoninPali,andfinishingoffinEnglish.Itneveroccurredtometofeelembarrassedaboutnotbeingabletospeakcorrectly,though,becauseIreallycouldn’tspeakcorrectly.EvenwhatIcouldsay,Icouldn’tpronounceproperly.Weseemedtobecomeclosefriendsduringourtimeoutontheocean.

WhenwelandedattheCalcuttadockswetookarickshawtotheMahaBodhiSocietyCenter,wherewestayedintheNalandaSquareBuddhistTemple.ThereImadefriendswithaThaimonk,astudentofLokanathanamedPhraBaitikaSodSinghseni,whohelpedgetmeorientedtoIndia.

TheSocietygavemespecialprivilegesthereduringmystay.Livingandeatingconditionswereveryconvenient.Altogethertherewereeightmonksstayingatthetemple.Wehadtoeatvegetarianfood.Whenmealtimecamewewouldsitaroundinacircle,eachofuswithaseparateplatterontowhichwewoulddishourriceandcurries.AfterIhadstayedforafairwhile,IlefttotourtheancientBuddhistholyplaces.

ItmademeheartsicktoseethestateofBuddhisminIndia.Ithaddeterioratedtothepointwheretherewasnothingleftintheareaofpractice.Somemonkswouldbesleepinginthesameroomwithwomen,sittinginrickshawswithwomen,eatingfoodafternoon.Theydidn’tseemveryparticularaboutobservingthemonasticdisciplineatall.Thinkingaboutthis,Ididn’twanttostayon.

AtthattimeIndiawasn’tyetespeciallyinterestedinBuddhism.AccordingtofiguresgatheredbytheMahaBodhiSociety,therewerejustover300,000Buddhistsinthecountry,andonlyabout80monks—includingmonksfrom

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England,China,Mongolia,Tibet,Germany,etc.—livingunderverydifficultconditions.Hardlyanyoneseemedinterestedindonatingfoodtothem.

WesetoutforBodhgaya,takingthetrainfromHowrahStationat7p.m.andarrivinginBenaresateleventhenextmorning.FromtherewetookahorsecarriagetotheDeerParkinSarnath—thespotwheretheBuddhadeliveredhisfirstsermon,theWheelofDhamma,tothefivebrethren—abouteightmilesfromBenares.WhenwegotthereIfeltelated.Itwasabroad,openareawitholdchedisandplentyofBuddhaimageskeptinthemuseum.

WestayedthereseveraldaysandthenwentontopayourrespectstothespotoftheBuddha’sparinibbanainKusinara,whichisnowcalledKasia.Whatwasonceacityhadnowbecomeopenfields.Ridinginthebuspastthebroadfields,brightgreenwithwheat,myeyesandheartfeltrefreshed.AtKasiawefoundtheremainsofoldtemplesandthespotoftheBuddha’sparinibbana,whichhadbeenexcavatedandrestored.Therewasatall-standingchedi,notquiteaslargeasthechediatSarnath,containingrelicsoftheBuddha.

ThenextmorningwewentontopayourrespectstothesiteoftheBuddha’scremation,aboutamilefromthespotofhisparinibbana.Thiswasnownothingbutfields.Therewasanoldruinedchedi—nothingbutamoundofbricks—withalargebanyantreeclingingtotheruins.AChinesemonkhadfixedhimselfaplacetostayupinthetreeandwassittinginmeditationthere.ThateveningwereturnedtoKasia.

Thenextmorning,afterourmeal,wetookabustothetrainstationandgotonthetrainbacktoBenares.WhilestayinginSarnath,IhadachancetoseetheHinduswashawaytheirsins,astheybelieve,onthebankoftheGanges,whichflowsrightpastthecenterofBenares.Theoldbuildingsofthecitylookedreallybizarre.Ionceaskedaprofessorofhistoryandgeography,andhetoldmethatfor5,000yearsthecityhasneverbeenabandoned.IthassimplybeenmovedtofollowthechangingcourseoftheGanges.

ThisriverisheldtobesacredbecauseitflowsfromtheheightsoftheHimalayas.Tobatheinitswatersduringtheirreligiousfestival,theybelieve,istowashone’ssinsaway.Intheolddays,wheneversomeonewassickandabouttodie,theywouldcarryhimtotheedgeoftheriver.Assoonashebreathedhislast,theywouldgivethecorpseashoveandsenditrollingintothewater.Whoeverwasabletodiethisway,theyfelt,earnedalotofmeritandwouldbeassuredagainstfallingintohell.Ifapersonwasn’tabletodierightthere,hisrelativeswouldbringthecremationashestoscatteronthewater.Atpresent,thiscustomhasdiedout.Allthatremainsisthecustomofgoingtobatheandwashawayone’ssinsduringthefestivalonthefullmoondayofthesecondlunarmonth,whichtheyholdtobeanauspiciousday.

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Ifyougotowatch,you’llseehugenumbersofpeopledressedintheirbestclothes,theirheadswrappedincloth,cominginthrongsdowntotheriver.You’llhardlybeabletogetoutoftheirway.Whentheyreachtheriver,theypaytheirrespectstotheirgodsattheHindutemplesontheriverbank.

Beforebathing,thepeoplehavetoworshipSiva.Rightinthemiddleofthetemplesaresymbolsofthemaleandfemalegenitals,aboutthesizeofarice-winnowingbasket.Thepeoplecomeandsprinklethesewithwater,flowers,sweetmeats,silver,andgold,andthengostandinlinesatthewater’sedge.Thereyoucanseehairyyogiswithlongscragglybeardssittinginmeditationontheriverbank—someofthemnotwearinganyclothesatall.Themenandwomengoingtowashawaytheirsinswillgetintoaboatuntilit’sabsolutelyfull.Theboatisthenrowedoutintothemiddleoftheriverandoverturned.Everyonebobsupanddowninthewaterandthis,theybelieve,washesawaytheirsins.Somepeoplestandwiththeirhandsstretchedtothesky,somestandononeleg,someturnuptheirfacestostareatthesun.IfIweretogiveafulldescriptionofalltheirdifferentbeliefsandpractices,there’dbelotsmoretotell.

ThatdayIwanderedarounduntildarkandthenreturnedtowhereIwasstayinginSarnath.

Sarnathisalarge,wideopenarea,atleast800hectaresinsize,withclumpsoftreesscatteredaboutandlotsofruinsofoldsanctuariesbuiltentirelyoutofstone.PeoplestillgotoworshiptheBuddhaimagesintheruins.SeveralyearsagoaHawaiianwoman,half-Caucasian,becamesoimpressedwithAnagarikaDhammapalathatshegavehimmoneytorestoretheareaandbuildacenterfortheMahaBodhiSociety.Intheareatherearefourtemples:

1.ASinghalesetemple.ThisisabranchoftheMahaBodhiSociety.Theexecutivesecretaryofthesocietyisamonk,andthesociety’saimistospreadBuddhismthroughouttheworld.

2.ABurmesetemple.3.AChinesetemplesupportedbyOwBunHaw,owneroftheTiger

BalmDrugCompany.ThemonksinthetemplearefromPeking.4.AJaintemplesetrightnexttothechedibuiltbyKingAsoka.The

spireofthechediisnowbrokenoff,andwhatremainsisonlyabout16meterstall.ApparentlyitonceheldrelicsoftheBuddha,butthesearenowplacedinthemuseumatCalcutta.Iwanderedaround,makingadetailedsurveyofthewholearea,andbecame

100percentconvincedthattheBuddhaactuallydeliveredtheWheelofDhammahere.Thespotwherehesatwhiledeliveringthesermonisstillmarked.Inanotherspotisavacant,fallen-downsanctuarywiththeinscription,‘BuiltbyKing.…’Andinthemuseumisafragmentofastonecolumn,aboutthreeorfour

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meterstallandaslargearoundasamortarforpoundingrice.ThereisalsoaverybeautifulBuddhaimagecarvedoutofstone,ayardacrossatthebase,withtheinscription,‘BuiltbyAsokaMaharaja.’

AfterIhadacquaintedmyselffairlywellwiththearea,wewentbytraindowntoBodhgaya.Gettingoffthetrain,wetookahorsecarriagethroughthestreetsofthetowntotheresthouserunbytheMahaBodhiSociety.Thetownisbroadopenandverypleasant,withhillsandariver—theNerañjara—flowingnearthemarket.Althoughtheriverisshallow,ithaswaterflowingallyeararound,eveninthedryseason.Aridgeofhillsliesacrosstheriver,andinthemiddleoftheridgeisaspotwheretheBuddhaoncestayed,namedNigrodharama.TheremainsofLadySujata’shousearenearby.FurtheralongistheAnomaRiver,whichisverybroadandfilledwithsand.Inthedryseason,whenthewaterislow,itlookslikeadesertwithonlyatrickleofwaterflowingthrough.

Weturnedback,crossedtotheothersideoftheNerañjara,andwentonawaystoachedisurroundedbyaclumpofflametrees.Thisspot—calledMucalinda—iswheretheBuddhasatundertheshelterofaserpent’shood.IntheareaaroundtheBodhitreewheretheBuddhagainedawakeningarescoresofBuddhaimagesandtinyoldchediscarvedoutofstone,whichpeopleofvarioussectsstillgotoworship.

AfterstayingafairwhileinBodhgaya,wereturnedtoCalcuttaforashortstayattheNalandaSquareBuddhistTemple.IthentookmyleaveofallmygoodfriendsthereandgotontheboatattheCalcuttadocks.ThiswasMarch,1940.ThefumesofthecomingWorldWarweregrowingthickandnearingthecombustionpointinGermany.IsawalotofbattleshipsintheIndianOceanasourboatpassedby.

Afterspendingthreedaysandtwonightsoutontheocean,wereachedthedocksinRangoon.WewenttostayattheSchweDagonPagoda,visitedouroldbenefactors,andafterafairwhiletookthetrain,headingbacktoThailand.Atthattimetherewerenocommercialflights,sowehadtoreturnbytheroutewehadcome.WhenwereachedMaeSod,Iwasfeelingwearyfromhavingcrossedthemountains,soweboughtticketsfortheThaicommercialflightfromMaeSodtoPhitsanuloke.TherewecaughtthetraindowntoUttaradit,wherewestayedatWatSalyaphong.Aftervisitingthelaypeopleandmyoldfollowersthere,IwentdowntostayforawhileattheBigRockatSilaAad(StoneDais),andthentookthetraintoBangkok.ThereIstayedatWatSraPathumbeforereturningtospendtherains,asusual,inChanthaburi.

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ALTOGETHERIspent14rainyseasonsinChanthaburi,tothepointwhereIalmostcametoregarditasmyhome.AtpresentthereareelevenmonasteriesthatIfoundedintheprovince:

1)WatPaaKhlawngKung(ShrimpCanalForestMonastery),Chanthaburidistrict;

2)WatSaiNgam(BeautifulBanyanMonastery),BaanNawngBua,Chanthaburidistrict;

3)WatKhaoKaew(ChineseBoxwoodMountainMonastery),Chanthaburidistrict;

4)WatKhaoNoi(LittleMountainMonastery),ThaaChalaeb;5)WatYangRahong(StatelyRubberTreeMonastery),ThaaMai

district;6)WatKhaoNoi(LittleMountainMonastery),ThaaMaidistrict;7)WatKhaoJamHan,LaemSinghdistrict;8)WatLaemYang(RubberTreePointMonastery),LaemSinghdistrict;9)WatMaiDamrongTham,Khlungdistrict;10)WatBaanImang,Khlungdistrict;and11)SamnakSongSaamYaekattheAgricultureExperimentalStation

nearthewaterfallonSraBaabMountain.Alloftheseplaceshavemonkslivingonaregularbasis.Someofthemarefull-

fledgedmonasteries,whiletheothersareofficiallystilljustmonks’residences.In1941thewarwiththeFrenchandtheSecondWorldWarbrokeout.

Duringthewarandafter,Iwanderedaboutinvariousprovincesuntil1949.Withthewarfinallyover,IthoughtofgoingbacktoIndiaagain.SoinNovemberofthatyearIgotreadytoapplyforanewpassport.

GoingtoIndiathistimeturnedouttobecomplicatedbythefactthatthewarwasnewlyover.WhenIgotreadytoapplyformypassport,Iaskedthepersonwholookedaftermyfunds,KhunAmnaad,howmuchmoneytherewas.Hisanswer:‘70baht.’Butjusttheapplicationfeeforanewpassportwas120baht.Thisbeingthecase,thelaypeoplewhoknewofmyplanscametodissuademefromgoing,butItoldthem,‘Ihavetogo.’

‘But70bahtisn’tenoughforthetrip!’‘Themoneyisn’ttakingthetrip,’Itoldthem.‘Iam.’Withthis,myfollowersunderstoodthatIreallydidhavetogo,andoneby

onetheybegantogatherfundsformytravelexpenses.OnedayPhrayaLatphliThamprakhan,alongwithNaiChamnaanLyyprasoed,cametostayatthe

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monastery.WhentheylearnedIwasgoingtoIndia,wehadthefollowingexchange:PhrayaLatphliputtwoquestionstome:‘1)Whygo?EachofusalreadyhastheDhammainside.2)Doyouknowtheirlanguage?’

Ianswered,‘BurmeseandIndiansarepeople,justlikeme.Arethereanypeopleintheworldwhodon’tknowthelanguageofpeople?’

PhrayaLatphli:‘Howareyougoingtogo?Doyouhaveenoughmoney?’‘Alwaysenough.’PhrayaLatphli:‘Whatwillyoudoifyourmoneygivesout?’‘It’llprobablygiveoutthewayclothgivesout:alittlebitatatime.Don’tyou

thinkI’llknowinadvancebeforeit’sallgone?’PhrayaLatphli:‘DoyouknowanyEnglish?’‘I’m40yearsold.IfIstudiedEnglishorHindi,IbetIcoulddobetterthan

EnglishorHindichildren.’Wedidn’thavethechancetotalkfurther,soPhrayaLatphliadded,‘Iwasjust

testingyou.’‘Nooffensetaken,’Itoldhim,‘butIjusthadtospeakthatway.’Notlongafterthat,whenthelaypeople,monks,andnoviceshadcanvassed

amongthemselvesandcomeupwithalittlemorethan10,000bahttohelpwithmytravelexpenses,IleftChanthaburiforBangkok,whereIstayedatWatBoromnivasa.Withtheassistanceofanumberofmyfollowerswhowerepolicemen—headedbyPoliceColonelSudsa-nguanTansathit—Istartedtoapplyformypassportandvisas.

Gettingmymoneyexchangedtookalotofrunningaroundandalmostdidn’tsucceedbecauseatthattimethepriceoftheBritishpoundontheblackmarkethadrisento50baht,whiletheofficialexchangeratewas35.Weweresentfromoneplacetoanother,andasthingsgotmoreandmorecomplicatedwebegantogiveuphope.SoImadeavow:‘I’mgoingtovisitfriendsandthespotswheretheBuddhaoncedwelled.Onmylasttripthingsstillweren’tclear,soIwanttogooncemore.IfI’mreallygoingtogettogothistime,maysomeonecomeandhelpgetmymoneyexchanged.’

FourdaysafterIhadmademyvow,NaiBunchuaySuphasi(nowalieutenantwiththeMountedPolice)showedupandaskedme,‘ThanPhaw,haveyoubeenabletoexchangeyourmoneyyet?’

‘No,notyet.’‘ThenI’lltakecareofitforyou.’ForaweekafterthathewentaroundmakingcontactswiththeTreasury

Ministry,theEducationMinistry,andtheInteriorMinistry.HereceivedlettersofrecommendationfromhisfriendsandaletterofguaranteefromtheAssistant

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MinisteroftheInterior,LiengChayakaan,nowamemberoftheLowerHouse,representingUbonRatchathaniprovince.HethenwenttotheNationalBank,whereatfirsthewastoldthatmycase‘didn’tqualifyforpermissiontoexchangeattheofficialrate.’SohewenttoconsultNaiJaratTaengnoiandNaiSompongJanthrakun,whoworkedintheNationalBank.FinallyIwasgivenpermissiontoexchangeattheofficialrateontherecommendationofNaiJarat,whosupportedmyrequestonthegroundsthatmytripwasforthepurposeofspreadingBuddhismabroad,whichwasintheinterestbothofthenationandofthereligion.Ithusexchangedmymoneyfor,altogether,980poundssterling.

Then,withmymoneyexchanged,Iappliedformypassportandvisas.IntheForeignAffairsMinistry,NaiPrachaaOsathanon,headofthePassportOffice,tookcareofeverythingforme,includingcontactinghisfriendsintheThaiembassiesinBurmaandIndia.IthenappliedformyvisasattheBritishEmbassy.Everythingwasnowreadyformetogo.

SoinFebruary,1950,IleftThailandbyplane.NangPraphaa,afollowerofminewhoworkedwithThaiAirways,helpedmegetaticketatareducedrate,almost50percentoffthefullfare.TheplaneleftDonMuangAirportat8a.m.IwasaccompaniedonthistripbyamonknamedPhraSamutandalayman,NaiThammanun.Atabout11a.m.theplanereachedtheRangoonAirport,whereIwasmetbyofficialsfromtheThaiembassy:M.L.PiikthipMalakun,NaiSupanSawedmaanandNaiSanan.TheytookmetostayinasanctuaryattachedtotheSchweDagonPagoda.IstayedinBurmaabout15days,goingaroundtoseethesightsinRangoon—althoughtherewaslittletoseebutbombed-outruins.TheKarenwarwasflaringupnearMandalay.

OnedaywewenttoPegutopayourrespectstoalargerecliningBuddhaimageinatownshipnearthere.WemetBurmesetroopskeepingawatchoverthearea.Theywereveryhelpful:Whereverwewent,acontingentoftwelvesoldierswentalong.Whenwestoppedforthenight,theystayedasourbodyguard.WespentthenightonMutaoChedi,whosespirehadbrokenoff.Allnightlongweheardnothingbuttheboomofthebigguns,soIaskedoneofthesoldierswithus,‘Whataretheyshooting?’

‘They’reshootingtofrightenofftheCommunists,’heanswered.EarlythenextmorningtwoBurmesewomencametotalkwithus,andthen

invitedustoeatattheirhome.AfterIhadfinishedseeingthesightsinRangoon,Igotreadytogoonto

India.WhileIwasinRangoonImetaThai,namedSaiyut,whohadbeenordained

asamonkinBurma.HetookmetoanoldpalacetomeetaBurmeseprincess,77yearsold,thedaughterofKingThibawofMandalay.Wesattalkingforawhile.I

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describedThaicustomstotheprincess,andshedescribedBurmesecustomstome.Inthecourseofourconversation,shementionedtome,‘I’mThai,youknow,’andthenaskedmeinThai,‘Doyoulikekhanomtom?’butdidn’twanttosaymuchmorethanthat.Fromwhatshesaid,IgatheredthatherancestorshadbeencarriedofffromThailandwhentheBurmesesackedAyutthaya.HernamewasSudantaChandadevi.

Shethenaskedafavorofme.‘AtthemomentIhavenomoreincome,’shesaid.Thiswasbecauseanewgovernmenthadjustcomeintopowerandcutthestipendsoftheoldnobility.‘Pleasetakepityonme.YouandIarebothThai.ItwouldbegoodifyoucouldputinawordformeattheThaiembassy.’

‘Don’tworry,’Itoldher.‘I’llhelp.’SoItooktheprincess’casetoM.L.PiikthipMalakun.Bothheandhiswife

weregood-heartedpeople.M.L.PiikthiptookmetoseePhraMahiddha,theAmbassadortoBurmaatthetime.Meetinghimwaslikemeetinganoldrelative.Theentireembassystaffwasveryhelpful.BeforeIleftforIndiaIrecommendedthattheyhelptheprincessbothonanofficialandonapersonalbasis.

InMarch,1950,IleftRangoonbyplane,reachingCalcuttaAirportataboutfourintheafternoon.Thecaptainoftheflightturnedouttobeanoldfriend—hehassincediedinanairplanecrashinHongKong.WhenwetookoffheboastedthathecouldflytheplaneanywayIliked—high,low,reckless.Hesaidthathe’dtakemeupto10,000feet.WeranintoalotofturbulenceneartheHimalayanmountains,andtheairgotsocoldIhadtoleavethecockpit,returntomyseat,andwrapmyselfupinablanket.

Whenwelandedwepartedwaysbecauseairlinepersonnelhadspecialrights,unlikeordinarypassengers.Asforme,Ihadtohavemythingsinspected,myhealthcertificatesinspected—butwhenitcametothe‘darkroom,’theymadeaspecialexceptioninmycase.Insidethedarkroomthelightwasblinding.Everyonewhowentinsidehadtostripnakedsothattheofficialscouldinspecthim.ButluckilytherewasaSikhwho,whenhesawmestickmyheadintotheroom,smiledatmeasasignthathewouldhelpmeout.Asaresult,Ididn’thavetobeinspected.

Wewaitedthereattheairportuntilsunset,whenaWesternercameandpolitelytoldusthatacompanycarwasabouttocomeandpickusup.Amomentorsolaterwepiledourthingsintothecar.WetraveledagoodmanymilesintoCalcuttaandwenttostayattheMahaBodhiSociety.Whenwearrivedwefoundthattheexecutivesecretary,anoldfriendofmine,wasn’tthere.HehadtakensomeoftheBuddha’srelicstoacelebrationinNewDelhiandthengoneontoKashmir.ThemonkswhowerestayingattheSociety,though,wereveryhelpfulineverywaybecauseIhadbeenamemberoftheSocietyformanyyears.They

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fixedusaplacetostayonthethirdfloorofthebuilding.Whiletherewespentmanydayscontactingtheimmigrationauthorities

beforeourvisapaperscouldbestraightenedout.IstayedattheMahaBodhiSocietyuntilitnearedtimefortherains,whenImadeplanstogoontoCeylon.ItookmydrafttothebankbuttherelearnedthatthebankthathadsoldmethedrafthadnobranchesinIndia.Thebankthereforewouldn’tacceptthedraft.TheywentontotellmethattoexchangethedraftIwouldhavetogoallthewaytoLondon.Thisiswhenthingsstartedlookingbad.Icheckedourfunds—NaiThammanunhadabout100rupeesleft.Itwasgoingtobehardtogetaround.Yet,atthesametime,wehadmorethan800poundssterlingwithusthattheIndianbankswouldn’tacceptbecausetherewasalotofanti-Britishfeelingatthetime.Theydidn’twanttousetheBritishpound,anddidn’twanttospeakEnglishunlesstheyreallyhadto.Soasaresult,wewerecaughtoutintherainalongwiththeBritish.

FinallyImadeupmymindtochant,meditate,andmakeavow:MayIreceivesomehelpinmymonetaryproblems.Andthenoneday,ataboutfiveintheevening,NaiThanatNawanukhraw,acommercialattachéwiththeThaiconsulate,cametovisitmeandasked,‘ThanAjaan,doyouhavemoneytouse?’

‘Yes,’Iansweredhim,‘butnotenough.’Sohepulledouthiswalletandmadeadonationof2,000rupees.Laterthat

eveningmyfriendwhowastheexecutivesecretaryoftheMahaBodhiSocietyreturnedandinvitedmeuptohisroomforachat.HegavemeawarmwelcomeandthenwetalkedinPali.‘Doyouhaveenoughmoney?’heasked.‘Don’tbebashful.Youcanaskforwhateveryouneedatanytime.’

‘Thankyouverymuch,’IansweredinEnglish,andhesmiledinresponse.FromthatdayonIwasputatmyeaseineveryway.

Justastherainswereabouttobegin,amonkwhowasaverygoodfriendofmine—anofficialatSarnathnamedSangharatana—invitedustogospendtherainsthere,andsoIacceptedhisinvitation.Thefollowingmorninghewentonahead,andthentwodaysbeforethebeginningoftheRainsRetreatwefollowedalong.Ataboutnoonthenextdaywereachedhistemple.Myfriendstherehadfixedplacesforustostay,onetoaroom,inalarge40-roomdormitory.ThusIspenttheRainsRetreatthereinSarnath.

Thingsweremadeveryconvenientforusduringtherains.ThefriendsIhadmadeduringmyfirsttripwerestillthere.Eatingarrangementswerealsoconvenient.Everyday,earlyinthemorning,they’dbringOvaltineandthreeorfourchappattiestoyourroom,andjustthatwasenoughtofillyouup.Butthenalittlelaterinthemorningthey’dservearegularmealwithbeanandsesamecurriesandrice—butnomeat.Weatevegetarian-style,althoughsomedaysthere

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wouldbefish.TherewaschantingeveryeveningduringtheRainsRetreat.Theychantedjust

likewedoinThailand,onlyveryfast.WhenthechantingwasoverI’dgotopaymyrespectstothegreatruinedcheditothenorthofthesanctuary.SomedaysI’dgointoBenarestolookatthetemplesoftheHindus,Tibetans,Burmese,Singhalese,etc.Onenight,towardtheendoftherains,whenthemoonwasbright,Iwenttositaloneinfrontofthesanctuaryafterwehadfinishedourchants.Isatthereinmeditationinthemiddleofthebright,moonlitnight,focusingonthetopofthechedi,thinkingofKingAsoka,whohaddonesomuchforthereligion.AfterIhadfocusedonthechedialongwhile,abrilliantlightbegantoflickerandflasharoundthetreesandthechedi.Ithoughttomyself:‘RelicsoftheLordBuddhaprobablyreallydoexist.’

Oneday,whentherainswerealmostover,theofficialsoftheMahaBodhiSocietyinvitedustogototheairporttomeetaplanecarryingrelicsofPhraMoggallanaandPhraSariputtathatwereontheirwaybackfromacelebrationorganizedbytheIndiangovernmentinNewDelhi.Soweallwentalongtotheairport.Whentheplanelanded,alittleafter11a.m.,theyhadusgetontheplanetoreceivethesmallbronzechedicontainingtherelics.WethentookthecheditotheSarnathMahaBodhiSociety.Ididn’taskforachancetolookattherelicsbecauseIwasn’treallyinterested.AfterwardstheysenttherelicsforsafekeepingtotheCalcuttaoffice,andsoInevergottoseethem.

AftertherainswereoverIbeganreceivingletters—somebyspecialdelivery,othersbyordinarymail—fromThailandandBurma.ThegistofthemallwasthattheywantedmetoreturnrightawaytoRangoonbecausePrincessSudantaChandadeviwasnowreceivingastipendandwasoverjoyed.HerchildrenhadgottentheirfriendstogetherandwereplanningtobuildatempleinRangoon,sowouldIpleasecomerightawayandhelpwiththearrangements.

Learningthis,IhurriedbacktoCalcutta,gotmytravelpapersinorder,andflewtoRangoon.ThereIwasmetattheairportbymembersofthetemplecommittee.Theytookmestraighttotheprincess’palace,whereacommitteeof30orsopeoplewereinthemidstofholdingameeting.Thecommittee—composedofoldnobility,governmentofficials,merchants,andhouseholders—wasdiscussingplanstobuylandforthetemple:sevenacresonatallhill.Theownerwaswillingtosellthelandforaround30,000rupees.WhenIhadlearnedthegeneraloutlinesoftheirproposal,Ireturnedtostay,asbefore,atSchweDagon.

IthentookthemattertotheThaiembassytoseektheiradvice.BythattimePhraMahiddhahadbeentransferredtoanothercountry,leavingM.L.PiikthipMalakunactinginhisplace.Hetoldmethatitwouldbegoodtohandlethematterthroughofficialchannelssothattheembassywouldbeinapositionto

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giveitsfullcooperation.Asforthetemplecommittee,theywerelookingforhelpfromThailandbecausetheirobjectivewastobuildatempleThaiineveryway.Thechairmanofthecommitteewasanoldmanofabout70,aformerpoliticianwhointheolddayshadcommandedgreatrespect.HewasthementorofUNu,theprimeministerofBurma.Itseemedtomethatthematterwassuretocomethrough.IwasputincontactwithscoresofThaipeopleinRangoon,andeveryoneseemedenthusiasticabouttheproject.

Notlongafterwards,though,IstartedreceivingfrequentlettersfromBangkokcontainingnewsthatdidn’tsoundverygood,someofithavingtodowithNaiBunchuaySuphasi,soIdecidedtoreturntoThailandinordertocontacttheThaigovernmentandSanghaandinformthemoftheproposalonmyown.

InDecember,1950,ItookaplanefromRangoontoBangkok—themonkwhohadgonewithmetoIndiahadalreadyreturnedagoodmanydaysbefore.InBangkokIstayedwithSomdetPhraMahawirawong(Uan)atWatBoromnivasa.IinformedtheSomdetoftheplanstobuildatempleinRangoon.Hethoughtthematteroverseveraldays,andjustashewasabouttogivemepermissiontoflybacktoBurma,Iranintointerference.Anumberofmonks,havingheardthenewsthatatemplewasgoingtobebuiltinRangoon,startedgettingintotheact,sayingthatAjaanLeewouldn’tbeabletosucceedwithoutthem.TheyhadreceivedletterstothateffectfromRangoon,theysaid.Howtheywereabletoknowthat,Ihavenoidea.Thesemonkswerealltitled,high-rankingecclesiasticalofficialsrighthereinBangkok.

WhenIlearnedthis,Idroppedthewholematterandwasnolongerinvolved.IsentalettertotheThaiembassyinBurma,askingtowithdrawfromtheproposal.Thatfinisheditoff.TothisdayIhaveyettoseeanyonebuildthetemple.

Thisbeingthewaythingswere,IleftWatBoromnivasaandreturnedtovisitmysupportersinChanthaburi.Duringthisperiodtherewereallsortsofpeople,jealousandangrywithme,whotriedtosmearmynameineveryconceivableway,butI’drathernotnametheirnamesbecauseIbelievetheyhelpedmebymakingmemoreandmoredetermined.

WITHTHEAPPROACHoftherainyseasonIleftChanthaburitoreturntoWatBoromnivasa,andthenwenttoteachmeditationtothelaypeopleatWatSanehaa,NakhornPathomprovince.FromthereIwenttostayatWatPrachumnari,Ratchaburiprovince,attherequestofChaoJawmSapwattana,headofthetemplecommittee.Istayedatthistempleseveraldays,andduringthattimetherewerealotofverystrangeevents.

Onemorningawomanofabout20cameandsatinfrontofthesermonseat.

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Amomentlatershewentintoconvulsions.SoImadesomelustralwaterandsprinkledherwithit.Istartedquestioningherandlearnedthattherewasaspiritofamanwhohaddiedaviolentdeathdwellinginthearea,andthatitwouldpossesspeople,causingthemtobecoveredwithhives,eachswellingaboutthesizeofyourthumb.WhenIlearnedthisIhadnomedicinetogiveher,butIwaschewingbetelnut,soItookthechewed-upremains,threwthemdownnexttoher,andhadhereatthem.Theswellingsdisappeared.Thishappenedaltogetherthreedifferenttimes,andtherewereagoodnumberofwitnesseseachtime.

Severaldayslater,justasIwasgettingreadytoleave,awomannamedNangSamawn,anieceofNangNgekinBangkok,cametoseeme.Shehadoncebeenordainedasanun,buthadlaterreturnedtolaylifeandmarriedaformerjusticeofthepeaceinRatchaburi.Shewasabout40,andhadasonaged15.Sheheldmeingreatesteem:WheneverIcametotheBangkokarea,shewouldalwayscometoseekmeout.Thatday,ataboutfiveintheevening,shecamewithanofferingofflowers,candles,andincense,soIaskedher,‘WhatcanIdoforyou,MotherSamawn?’

Sheanswered,‘I’vecometoaskyouforachild.’AssoonasIheardthis,Istartedfeelinguneasybecausetherewereonlyafew

peoplepresent,andontopofthatshewasspeakinginawhisper.SoIsaidoutloud,‘Waituntilmorepeoplecome.’Iwasthinkingofthefuture—ifshereallydidgivebirthtoanotherchild,I’dbeinaspot.SoIwantedthewholeaffairtobeoutintheopentomakesurethateveryoneknewthefactsofthecase.

Thatevening,alittleafter7p.m.,about100peoplecameandcongregatedinthemainmeetinghall.NangSamawnsatrightnearby,toonesideofthesermonseat.AfterIhadgiventhepreceptsanddeliveredasermontothepeople,teachingthemtomeditatesothattheycoulddevelopmeritandperfecttheircharacter,MotherSamawnspokeupinaloudvoice,‘Idon’twantanyofthat.Iwantachild.Pleasegivemeachild,LuangPhaw.’

‘Allright,’Itoldher,‘I’llgiveyouachild.’IansweredherthiswaybecauseIrememberedanumberofeventsinthescriptures.Ithensaid,asifinjest,‘Setyourmindonmeditatingwelltonight.I’mgoingtoaskthedeva-sonsanddeva-daughterstobringyouachild.’

Aftershehadfinishedmeditating,shecameandtoldme,‘Ifeelreallycontentandrelaxed.I’vemeditatedmanytimesbefore,butit’sneverbeenlikethis.’

‘Thereyouare,’Itoldher.‘You’llhaveyourwish.’Thenextmorning,IleftRatchaburi,takingthetrainasfarasPrajuab

Khirikhan.KhunThatsanawiphaagwentalongasmyfollower.WespentthenightinacemeterynearthestationinPranburi.Thenextmorning,KhunThatwenttobuyourtickets,with120bahtinhispockets.Thiswasrightafterthewar,

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whentheywereusingbanknotesprintedinAmerica.The100bahtbillandthe20bahtbilllookedjustalike.KhunThatcamebackwiththetickets,butwithoutthe100bahtbill.Hehadmistakenitforthe20bahtbillandsohadgivenittotheticketagent.Hewasallreadytoreturntothestationtoaskforthemoneyback,butIstoppedhim.‘I’dbetooembarrassedtohaveyougo,’Isaid.Hethengotsoupsetthathewasgoingtogobackhome,soIhadtoconsolehim.

Thecemeterywherewewerestayingwasonatall,forestedslope.Theyhadtoldusthatnoonecouldsleeptherebecausethespiritswerefierce,butwespentthenightwithoutincident.

FromtherewetookthetraintoSuratThaniandwenttostayontheslopeofatallhillnearthetrainstation.Asnightfell,peoplecametotalkwithus.IgottomeettwocharactersnamedNaiPhuangandNaiPhaad.Theycametogether,andNaiPhuangletmeinontheirsecret.‘MyhomeisinNakhornPathomprovince,’hesaid.‘Iusedtobeabig-timegangster,andkilledalotofpeopleinmytime.Thelastpersonwasanoldgrandmotherwhodiedonthespot.Someonehadtoldmethatshekept4,000bahtincashunderherpillow,soIsnuckuptoherroomandstabbedherintheneck.ButwhenIlookedunderherpillow,therewasonly40baht.Fromthatdayon,IfeltsoawfulthatIdecidedtogiveupcrime.Butevenso,IstillfeeljumpyeverytimeIhearagunshot.LuangPhaw,couldyouhelpfindmesomethingtoprotectmefrombullets?’

Itoldhim,‘Ifyoureallyhaveswornoffcrime,I’llgiveyousomethingthat’llmakesureyoudon’tdiefromabullet.’

Heswore,‘I’vegivenitupforgood,’soIwrotedownagathaforhimtorepeatoverandovertohimself.

Thenextday,hecamebackandtoldmethathisyoungerbrother,alongwithagroupofnineothers,wereintheprocessoffightingoffthepoliceinoneoftheoutlyingdistricts.Someofthegroupthepolicehadalreadycaptured,buthisbrotherwasstillontheloose.Hewasafraidthathisnamemightgetdraggedintotheaffair,sowhatshouldhedo?Itoldhimtogostraighttothepoliceandleadthemtohisbrother.HedideverythingasItoldhimto,andafewdayslatertheentiregroupofbanditsturnedthemselvesin.NaiPhuangwasabletogethisbrotheroutonbail.Eventully,whenthecasereachedthecourts,theentiregrouppleadedguilty.Thecourtsentencedthemtoprisonbut,becausetheyhadadmittedtheirguilt,cuttheirsentencesinhalf.

Ididn’tfeelverycomfortablestayingthereinSuratbecausetherewerealwaysshadycharacterscomingtoseeme.Iwasdoingnothingbutgood,butIwasafraidthatotherpeoplemightstartthinkingIwasaidingandabettingcriminals,soIleft,headingforThungSongandthenontopaymyrespectstotheBuddha’srelicsinNakhornSriThammarat.AtthispointKhunThattookhisleaveto

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returnhometoBangkok.Heboughtmyticket,gotmeonthetrain,andIthentraveledonalone.

ThateveningIreachedthegreatchediatNakhornSriThammaratandstayedatthemonasteryconnectedwithit.Anumberofpeoplethere—includingamonkwhowasafriendofminelivingatthemonastery—wereinterestedinmeditation,soIstayedon,teachingmeditationforawhile.Ithenleft,headingforSongkhlaprovince.ReachingHaadYai,IwenttostayinPakKimcemetery,whichwasallovergrownandveryquiet.Afewdayslatermyfriend,PhraMahaKaew,camelookingformeandfoundmethereinthecemetery.Westayedonforawhileandthenwentoutwanderingbyourselvesfromtownshiptotownship.

THATYEARIspenttherainsatWatKhuanMiid—KnifeMountainMonastery.Igavesermonsandtaughtmeditationtothemonks,novices,andlaypeoplepracticallyeverynight.Aftertherainswereoverandwehadreceivedthekathina,IheadedbackandstayedatKhuanJongmountain,byasmallvillagenearRienCanal.

OnedayIstartedseeingpeoplepouringpastinhugenumbers.Thiswentonforseveraldaysrunning,soIfinallyaskedwhatwasup.TheytoldmethattheyweregoingtoseethegiantsnakethathadtrappedawomaninitscoilsonKhuanJongmountain.Thewordhadgottenaroundthatagiantsnakewitharedhoodhadtrappedawomaninitscoilsattheverytopofthemountain,andthatuntiltheallottedtimecameitwouldn’tlethergo.Onhearingthisbizarrestory,peoplehadbecomeallexcitedandstartedcomingoutinhugenumberstosee,swarmingallovertheareanearwherewewerestaying.ButinKhuanJongvillageitself,nooneappearedtohaveheardthestoryatall.Thewholethingwasridiculous.

Afterwehadstayedthereforawhile,wewentontostayatBaanThungPha,TalaatKhlawngNgae,andSadaodistrict.AtthattimethepolicechiefinSadaohadbeenshotandkilledinaskirmishwiththeChinesecommunistterrorists.Whilewewerethere,alotofpeoplecametoseeusduringtheday,butaseveningfelltheyhurriedbackhome,sayingtheywereafraidthecommunistswouldattack.SoItoldthem,‘Iwantyoualltocomeforasermontonight.Ipromisethere’llbenoattack.’Justafternightfall—atabout8p.m.—peoplecameandfilledtheordinationhallofthetemplewherewewerestaying,soIgaveasermonandtaughtthemmeditation.

AfewdaysafterwardswereturnedtoPakKimcemeteryinHaadYai.ThistimealotofHaadYaipeoplecameouteverynighttoreceivetheprecepts,listentosermons,andpracticemeditation.

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FromtherewereturnedtoNakhornSriThammarat,stoppingoffatameditationmonasteryinRawnPhibundistrict,andthengoingontostayinThungSong.NaiSangwed,aclerkintheEducationOffice,followedalongasmystudent.WestayedatThamThalu(TheCaveThatGoesAlltheWayThrough)forawhile,andthenwentontoChumphorn.FromChumphornwecaughtthetraintoPhetburi.ThiswaswhenIlearnedthatSomdetMahawirawonghadbeensendinglettersafterme,askingmetoreturntoBangkok,soIwentontoRatchaburiandstayedatWatPrachumnari.LuangAtt,thegovernorofRatchaburiprovince,andthedistrictofficialofRatchaburiCitycamelookingforme,askingmetoreturntoBangkokbecausetheSomdetatWatBoromwantedtoseeme.

WhileIwasstayingatWatPrachumnari,amonkatKhaoKaenJan(SandalwoodMountain)wascapturedbytheauthorities.IlearnedthatfourorfivenunsfromBaanPongwhowerehisfollowerswantedtocomeseeme,butdidn’tdarebecauseoftheuproaroverthemonk.Althoughthestorydoesn’tinvolveme,it’sworthtelling:Itseemsthatthemonkhadtoldthenunsthathislegshurtfromsittinginmeditationanddeliveringsermonssomuch,sowouldtheypleasemassagehislegs—andtheyactuallystartedgivinghimmassages.That’swhentheuproarstarted.Theauthoritieslookedintothematteranddiscoveredthatthemonkhadnoidentificationpapers,sotheyforcedhimtodisrobe.

DuringmystayatRatchaburi,MaeSamawncameouttoseeme.‘I’movertwomonthspregnant,’shesaid,andthenwenton,‘I’dliketodedicatethechildtoyourightnow,becauseit’syourchild,andnotmyhusband’s.’Sheseemeddeadseriousaboutwhatshewassaying.Ididn’trespondinanyway,butIdidfeelsurprised.Shehadn’thadachildin15years,sohowhaditcomeabout?

FromthereIreturnedtoBangkokandstayedatWatBoromnivasa.IhappenedtoarrivejustastheSomdetfellill,soIhelpedlookafterhim.

WHILEI WASATWATBOROMNIVASA,thistime,alargenumberofpeoplefromBangkok,Thonburi,andLopburicametopracticemeditation.Onedaytherewasastrangeevent.AwomannamedMaeKhawm,anativeofLopburi,cameandpresentedmewiththreerelicsoftheBuddha.

‘Wheredidyougetthem?’Iaskedher.‘IaskedforthemfromtheBuddhaimagerightoveryourpillow,’shetoldme.

ThisBuddhaimagebelongedtoNaiUdom,whohadbroughtitdownfromKengTungduringWorldWarII.Fromwhathehadtoldme,thereseemtohavebeenalotofstrangeeventsconnectedwiththisimage.

HereI’dliketobackuptotellthehistoryoftheimage.OriginallyNaiUdom

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wasapersonwhoneverfeltmuchrespectformonks.HewasagovernmentofficialworkingwiththeRadioDivisionoftheMassCommunicationsDepartment.DuringWorldWarIIhewentalongwiththeThaiArmy,headedbyGeneralPraphan,toKengTung.Onedayhewenttosetupquartersinanoldtemplewithagroupofenlistedmen.Thatevening,afterlyingdownbutbeforegoingtosleep,hesawabrightlightshootingoutfromtheshelfoverhispillow,sohespranguptoseewhatwasthere.Atthetimehewasthesortofpersonwho,eventhoughhewasstayingrightnexttosacredobjects,nevershowedthemanyrespect.Butthatdayhebecamecurious.Hecranedhisneckuptoseewhatwasontheshelf,andtherehefoundagold-alloyBuddhaimage,abouteightinchestallandthreeinchesacrossatthebase,blackandglisteningasifithadbeenpolishedeveryday.Seeingit,hegrabbeditandputitinhissuitcase.Fromthatdayon,hisfortunesimprovedgreatly.Peoplestartedhelpinghim,andhebegantohavemorethanenoughmoneytospend.Hegotthemoneyfrompeoplenativetothatarea.

WhenthewarwasoverheheadedbacktoThailand.Onthewayback,hespentanightonthebankoftheMaeJanriver.ThatnighttheBuddhaimageenteredhisdreamsandsaid,‘Dom,youbastard,you’regoingtotakemeacrosstheriver,butI’mnotgoingtostandforit.’

NaiUdomdidn’tpayanyattentiontothedream.‘WhatpowercouldametalBuddhahave?’hethought.Intheend,hebroughttheimagebacktoChanthaburi,retiredfromgovernmentservice,andsethimselfupinbusinessasamerchant.Duringthisperiod,hestartedlookingwanandunhealthy.Lifewasbecomingmoreandmoreofahardship.

Afterawhilehiswifeandchildrenstartedfallingill,oneafteranother.Nothingseemedtocurethem.‘LuangPhaw’enteredhisdreamsagain.‘I’mstayingherewithyouagainstmywill,’hesaid.‘You’regoingtohavetotakemebacktomyhome!’

ThatyearitsohappenedthatIhadgoneoutwanderinginPrajinburiprovince,stayingatYoungSavageMountain.AroundAprilIcrossedthewildernessandreturnedtoChanthaburi.WhenNaiUdomlearnedthatIhadreturned,hecamerunningtosee.‘I’mreallyinamess,ThanPhaw.Mychildrenaresick,mywifeissick,Idon’thaveanymoney,andnowthisBuddhaimageentersmydreamsandtellsmetotakehimbacktoKengTungwhereIfoundhim.WhatshouldIdo?’

‘“LuangPhaw”isaforestBuddha,’Iansweredhim.‘Helikesstayingwhereit’speacefulandquiet.Ifyouwant,havehimcomestayherewithme.’

SoNaiUdombroughttheimageandleftitwithme—whetherheactuallygaveittomeorsimplyleftitwithmeforsafekeeping,Icouldn’ttellforsure.I

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keptitandshoweditrespectasamatterofcourse.Fromthatdayon,alltheillnessesinhisfamilydisappeared,andin1952hemovedtoBangkok.ThereareagoodmanymorestrangethingsconnectedwiththisBuddhaimage,butthisisallIwanttosayaboutitfornow.

AftertheeventwithMaeKhawmIbecamecuriousabouttheBuddha’srelicsandhowtheycameabout.NeverduringmylifeasamonkhadIeverbeeninterestedinthematall,butIdidaccepttherelicsfromMaeKhawmandtreatedthemwithrespect.LaterIlearnedthatshehadreceivedmorerelics,butbythenIhadputtheBuddhaimageawayintheRaamKhaequartersatWatBoromnivasa.Andasformyself,IhadtakenmyleaveoftheSomdetandgonetoLopburiprovince.

ThatyearIcelebratedVisakhaPujaatWatManichalakhaninLopburi.OnthatdayIsaidtomyself,‘IfIdon’tseetheBuddha’srelicsappearwithmyowneyes,Iwon’tbelieveinthembecauseIhavenoideawhetherornotthey’reforreal.’Imadeavowtositinmeditationuntildawn.Isetoutfourreceptaclesandmadethefollowinginvitations:‘1)MaysacredrelicsoftheBuddha—fromhisears,eyes,nose,andmouth,whichwerethesourcesofhissplendor—iftheyreallyexist,cometothisaltartonight.2)MayrelicsofPhraSariputta,oneoftheBuddha’simportantdisciples,alsocome.3)MayrelicsofPhraMoggallana,whosepowerswereequaltothoseoftheBuddha,alsocome.4)MayrelicsofPhraSivali,amonkofgoodwillwhowassafeatalltimeswhereverhewent,alsocome.Iftheserelicsreallyexist,maytheycomeandappear.IfIdon’tseeanythingappeartonight,I’llgiveawayalltherelicsthatpeoplehavepresentedtome.’

ThatnightIwentwithoutsleepandsatinmeditationuntildawn.Atabout4a.m.IhadafeelingthattherewasabrightredlightflashingrightwhereIhadplacedthereceptacles.AtdaybreakIdiscoveredrelicsineachofthereceptacles.Theroomwheretheywereplacedhadbeenlockeduptightfromsunsettodawn—noonewouldhavebeenabletoenter,andImyselfhadn’tgonein.Ifeltreallytakenaback:Thiswasthefirsttimeanythinglikethishadhappenedinmylife.QuicklyIwrappedtherelicsincottonwool,placedtheminapouch,andkeptthemwithme.AltogetherIreceivedthreerelicsofPhraSariputta,threeofPhraSivali,twoofPhraMoggallana,andsevenoftheBuddha.Somewerethecolorofmilkyquartz,somewereblack,someadarkyellowishgrey.TheonesMaeKhawmhadgivenme,though,werethecolorofpearls.ItookthemwithmeasIheadednorth.Astimepassed,anumberofotherthingsoccurredthatI’dratherkeeptomyselfforthetimebeing.

ASTHERAINSAPPROACHEDIwenttostayinMaeRimdistrict,ChiengMaiprovince.Ihadmadeupmymindtogodeepintotheforest,andso,

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leavingMaeRim,IwenttoBaanPaaTyng,whichtookadayofwalking.FromthereIwentdeepintothewilderness,upthemountainsanddown,reachingmydestinationatwhatmusthavebeennolaterthanfourintheafternoon.ThiswasaspotwhereastudentofminehadoncespentaRainsRetreat,andthatyearIspenttherainsthere.

ItwasavillageofKarenandYanghilltribesmen,withaboutsixorsevenhouseholds.Therewasnolevelgroundatall—nothingbutmountainsandhills.TheplacewhereIstayedwasatthefootofahill,alittlelessthanakilometerfromthevillage,nearaflowingstream.Theweatherwasbittercoldbothdayandnight.IarrivedtherethedaybeforeAsalhaPuja,andonthedaywetookourvowstospendtherains,Istartedcomingdownwithafever.

Thiswasareallyprimitiveplace.Thepeoplewereallhilltribesmen,andmybasicdietthatrainyseasonconsistedofsalt,peppers,andrice—thatwasall.Nofishormeat.DuringthelatterhalfofJuly,Ibecameseriouslyill.SomedaysIalmostlostconsciousness.

Onemorning,atdawn,Itriedtogetuptogooutforalmsbutcouldn’t.Ifeltdizzyandfaint,andwasshiveringsoviolentlythatmyhutstartedshaking.Iwasallbymyself—themonkswithmehadallgoneoutforalms.SoIwenttowarmmyselfbyafireandbegantofeelabitbetter.

Isufferedlikethisallthroughtherains.Icouldhardlyeatatall.Duringtheentirethreemonths,Iwasabletoeatnomorethantenmouthfulsoffoodaday.SomedaysIcouldn’teatanythingatall.Butmybodyandmindfeltlight,andmyheartwasatease—nottheleastperturbedbymyillness.

MysymptomsgotmoreseriousonJuly29.Istartedrunningahighfeverandfeltreallyfaint—numballovermybody.Thismademebegintohavedoubtsaboutmysurvival.SoIgotupandtookoutmypouchofrelics,wrappeditinanoldworn-outshouldercloth,andplacedituphighonashelf.ThenImadearesolution:‘Ifyoureallyaresacred,givemeasign.IfI’mgoingtodiehere,Iwantyoualltodisappear.’Ithenenteredmyumbrellatentandstilledmymind.

AtdawnthenextdayIfoundthepouchandshoulderclothinoppositesidesoftheroom,butnoneoftherelicsweremissing.Theywerestillthere,scatteredallovertheshelfwhereIhadplacedthem.ItlookedasifIprobablywouldn’tdiethatyearbutwouldstillbesickforawhilelonger.

OnedayIwasthinkingovereventsinthepastandstartedfeelingdisgusted.SoImadearesolution:‘I’dlikesomegoodresourcestohaveatmydisposalinthefuture.IfIdon’tacquirethem,Idon’twanttoleavetheforest.1)Iwanttoattainsupranaturalpowers.IfIcan’t,mayIgoallthewayinsevendays.Evenifmylifeistoendduringthosesevendays,I’mwillingtogiveitupasanoffering.2)Whereverthereareanygood,quiet,restfulspots,maytheforestspiritsleadme

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there.’AftermakingmyresolutionIsatinmeditation.Avisionappeared:abrightlightandacavereachingclearthroughamountain.Itoccurredtome,‘IfIenterthiscave,I’llprobablygoallthewaythrough.’ButjustasIdecidedtogorightthenandthere,Istartedfeelingsofaintthatmybodyswayed.Ihadtograbholdofoneofthepostsinthehut—sothatwasasfarasIgot.

Afterthat,myillnessslowlybegantorecede.OnedayItookoneofmyfollowersoutlookingforwoodtomakeintocharcoalsothatIcouldhaveafiretokeepmyselfwarmatnight.Thenextdayaboyfromthevillagetoldme,‘It’snotgoodforasickpersontogolookingforfirewood.There’sanoldsayingthatasickpersonlookingforfirewoodislookingforwoodforhisfuneralpyre.’Theboy’snamewasTengandhewasalittlederanged.Hewentontosay,‘Ireallyhaveithard.Everynightspiritscomeandpullmylegsandwon’tletmegetanysleep.’Ididn’tpayhimanyattention.

Lateonenight,whenitwasquietandIwasfeelingreallyill,Isetsomecharcoalstovesallaroundmyself.AfterIhaddozedoffforamoment,awomandressedinwhite,followedbytwogirlsandcarryingawhiteflagcoveredwithalongstringofChinesecharacters,cametowardmeandsaid,‘I’mqueenofthedevas.Ifyoulivehere,youhavetobowdowntome.’Iwasn’twillingtobowdown,seeingasIwasamonk.Still,sheinsisted.Wehadalongargument,butIstoodfirm.Finallysheleftthehut,climbedthehill,anddisappeared.Imeditatedincomfortfortherestofthenight.

Anotherdayawhilelater—September16—Ihadadizzyspellearlyinthemorning.AfterwardsIdidn’thavethestrengtheventocomedownfromthehutandcouldn’teatanyfood.AtaboutoneintheafternoonIgotupandsatbythewindow.Thehutwasatthefootofthehill,andthestreamflowedrightpastthewindow.Allaroundthehutthegroundwasclearedandclean—itwasswepteveryday.

Alotofthingshappenedthatday:1)TherewasafoulstenchunlikeanythingIhadeversmelledbefore.2)Abiggreenfoul-smellingflycameandlandedrightonmyface.ItlookedtomeasifIweregoingtodie.Isatinmeditationuntiltheflyflewawayandthestenchvanished.Ibegantohavedoubtsaboutmysurvival,soImadeavow:‘IfI’mgoingtodie,Iwantaclearsign.IfIhavethepotentialtoliveonandbeofuse,Ialsowantasign.’

AfterIhadmademyvow,Isatfacingwest,lookingoutthroughthewindowwithmymindundercontrol.Afteramoment,twodovescameflyingtothewindow.Firstamaledovecamefromthesouth,madeasharpcry,andlandedonthesill.Amomentlaterafemaledovecamefromthenorth.Theyflutteredtheirwingsandcooedtoeachother.Theyseemedcheerfulandconfident.Andthen,afteranothermoment,thecloudsthathadbeencoveringtheskypartedandbrightsunlightcamepouringthrough.Notsincethebeginningoftherainy

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seasonhadtherebeenevenasmuchas30minutesofsunlightinasingleday.Theentirethreemonthstheskyhadbeendull,alwayscoveredbycloudsandfog.Butnowthesunshonedownallbrightanddazzling.Thecallsofthebirdsechoedclearlythroughtheforest.Myheartfeltrefreshed.Icametotheconclusion:‘I’mnotgoingtodie.’

Onenightafterwards,towardtheendoftherains,Iwentdowntodowalkingmeditationtothesouthofmyhutandavisionappearedtome.Isawmyselfandanelephanttumblingaroundinthewater.SometimesI’dbeontopoftheelephant;sometimeshe’dbeontopofme.Amomentlater,inthesamevision,asermonseatcamefloatingthroughtheair,aboutsixmetersofftheground.ItwaspaintedadullredandcoveredwithclothfromIndiainterwovenwithgold.Thevisionseemedtosay,‘Pleaseclimbontothesermonseat.Allyouraspirationswillbefulfilled.’Buttherewasnooneinthevision.‘Thisisnotimeforlies,’Ithought,andthevisiondisappeared.

RightattheveryendoftherainsIpracticedwalkingaroundthefootofthehillbutI’dgettiredandfaint.MyearswouldstartringingandI’dalmostpassout.Ifthiswasthewaythingswere,Iwouldn’tbeabletoleavethemountainsaftertherainswereover.SoImadearesolution:IfI’mgoingtoliveonandbeinvolvedwithhumanity,mayIbeabletogetoutofthemountains.Butifmyinvolvementisover,I’llwritealetterbiddingfarewell.

BythedayaftertheendoftheRainsRetreat,myillnessseemedtobeover.Mysymptomsweren’teventwentypercentofwhattheyhadbeenbefore.Thenextday,thehilltribesmenaccompaniedusoutoftheforest,carryingourthingsandatthesametimecryinginawaythatwasreallyheartrending.

Thathadbeenadamp,chillyplacetostay.Evensalt,ifyoudidn’tkeepitshuttightinacontainer,woulddissolveaway.Weatehilltribefoodallthroughouttherains.They’dtakebambooshoots,callediumleaves,andtubers,stewthemuntiltheyweremushy,thenaddsalt,rice,andpoundedchilipeppers—leaves,stems,andall—andboilitalldowntogetherinapot.Thiswasthesortoffarewehadtoeat.Inalltheyearssincemyordination,thisrainyseasonwastheultimateinprimitivenessasfarasfoodwasconcerned.Eventheirpepperswerestrange:Whenyouswallowedone,itwouldbehotallthewaydowntoyourintestines.Andyetthehilltribespeoplethemselveswerealllargeandstocky.Ihadthoughtthattheywouldbedarkandsickly,buttheyturnedouttobefairandplump.Theyhadanadmirableculture.Therewasnoquarreling,andnoneofthepeopleinthevillageeverraisedtheirvoices.Theyrefusedtousethingsboughtinthemarket.Mostlytheyusedthingstheyhadmadethemselves.Theircropswerevegetablesandwildricebecausetherewasnolevellandforgrowingwhiterice.

Aftertherains,IreturnedtoMaeRimandthenwentdowntothecityof

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ChiengMai.Theonlysymptomremainingfrommyillnesswasanirregularheartbeat.ThelaypeoplewhohadbeenmostconcernedaboutmyconditionandhadfromtimetotimesentsuppliesfromChiengMaitowhereIwasstayingintheforest—KhunNaiChusriandMaeKaewRun—broughtmespicemedicineformydizzyspells.AfterstayinginChiengMaiatWatSantidhamforawhile,IwentdowntostayatPhraSabaiCaveinLampang,whereastudentofminehadspenttherains.

WhilethereIbegantohavethefeelingthatIwouldhavetoreturntoBangkok.TheSomdetwasseriouslyillandI’dhavetostaywithhim.Butsomethinginsidemedidn’twanttogo.OnenightIvowedtohaveananswertothequestionofwhetherornotIshouldgotoBangkok.Isatinmeditationuntildawn.Atabout4a.m.Ifeltasifmyheadhadbeencutoff,butmyheartwasbrightandnotafraid.Afterthatmyillnesswasvirtuallyallgone.IreturnedtoBangkokandstayedatWatBoromnivasa.Atthetime,theSomdetwasveryillandgavemeanorder:‘You’llhavetostaywithmeuntilIdie.AslongasI’mstillalive,Idon’twantyoutoleave.Idon’tcarewhetherornotyoucometolookafterme.Ijustwanttoknowthatyou’rearound.’SoIpromisedtostay.SometimesI’dwonderaboutwhatkarmaIhaddonethathadmecoopeduplikethis,butthenI’drememberthecageddoveIhaddreamedaboutinChanthaburi.Thatbeingthecase,I’dhavetostay.

ONCEI HADMADEUPMYMINDtostay,theSomdetaskedmetocomeandteachhimmeditationeveryday.Ihadhimpracticeanapanasati—keepingthebreathinmind.Wetalkedaboutanumberofthingswhilehesatinmeditation.

Onedayhesaid,‘Ineverdreamedthatsittinginsamadhiwouldbesobeneficial,butthere’sonethingthathasmebothered.Tomakethemindstillandbringitdowntoitsbasicrestinglevel(bhavanga):Isn’tthistheessenceofbecomingandbirth?’

‘That’swhatsamadhiis,’Itoldhim,‘becomingandbirth.’‘ButtheDhammawe’retaughttopracticeisforthesakeofdoingawaywith

becomingandbirth.Sowhatarewedoinggivingrisetomorebecomingandbirth?’

‘Ifyoudon’tmakethemindtakeonbecoming,itwon’tgiverisetoknowledge,becauseknowledgehastocomefrombecomingifit’sgoingtodoawaywithbecoming.Thisisbecomingonasmallscale—uppatikabhava—whichlastsforasinglementalmoment.Thesameholdstruewithbirth.Tomakethemindstillsothatsamadhiarisesforalongmentalmomentisbirth.Saywesitinconcentrationforalongtimeuntilthemindgivesrisetothefivefactorsofjhana:

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That’sbirth.Ifyoudon’tdothiswithyourmind,itwon’tgiverisetoanyknowledgeofitsown.Andwhenknowledgecan’tarise,howwillyoubeabletoletgoofignorance?It’dbeveryhard.

‘AsIseeit,’Iwenton,‘moststudentsoftheDhammareallymisconstruethings.Whatevercomesspringingup,theytrytocutitdownandwipeitout.Tome,thisseemswrong.It’slikepeoplewhoeateggs.Somepeopledon’tknowwhatachickenislike:Thisisignorance.Assoonastheygetholdofanegg,theycrackitopenandeatit.Butsaytheyknowhowtoincubateeggs.Theygetteneggs,eatfiveofthem,andincubatetherest.Whiletheeggsareincubating,that’s“becoming.”Whenthebabychickscomeoutoftheirshells,that’s“birth.”Ifallfivechickssurvive,thenastheyearspassitseemstomethatthepersonwhooncehadtobuyeggswillstartbenefitingfromhischickens.He’llhaveeggstoeatwithouthavingtopayforthem.Andifhehasmorethanhecaneat,hecansethimselfupinbusiness,sellingthem.Intheendhe’llbeabletoreleasehimselffrompoverty.

‘Soitiswithpracticingsamadhi:Ifyou’regoingtoreleaseyourselffrombecoming,youfirsthavetogoliveinbecoming.Ifyou’regoingtoreleaseyourselffrombirth,you’llhavetoknowallaboutyourownbirth.’

AssoonasIsaidthis,heunderstoodandbegantobeam.Heseemedbothpleasedandimpressed.‘Thewayyousaythings,’hesaid,‘isreallydifferentfromthewayothermeditationmonkstalk.EventhoughIstillcan’tputwhatyousayintopractice,Icanunderstandyouclearlyandhavenodoubtsthatwhatyou’resayingistrue.IusedtolivenearAjaanMunandAjaanSao,butIneverbenefitedfromthemthewayI’vebenefitedfromhavingyoustaywithme.ThereseemtobealotofsurprisingthingsthatoccurwhenIsitinmeditation.’

Afterthatheseemedtobeinterestedinmeditatingforlongperiodsoftime—sometimestwohoursatastretch.Whilehewasmeditating,he’dhavemespeakDhammatogoalongwithhismeditation.Assoonashismindwouldbequietandsteady,I’dstartspeaking—andhismindseemedtobehaverightinlinewithwhatI’dbesaying.Onedayhesaid,‘I’vebeenordainedforalongtime,butI’veneverfeltanythinglikethis.’

FromthenonIneverhadtogivehimanymorelongtalks.AssoonasI’dsaytwoorthreewords,he’dunderstandwhatIwasreferringto.Asforme,Iwaspleased.Onedayhesaid,‘PeoplewhostudyandpracticetheDhammagetcaughtuponnothingmorethantheirownopinions,whichiswhytheynevergetanywhere.Ifeveryoneunderstoodthingscorrectly,therewouldn’tbeanythingimpossibleaboutpracticingtheDhamma.’

AsIspenttherainstherewiththeSomdet,mymindwasateaseasfarashavingtoexplainthingstohimwasconcerned.Hetoldme,‘InthepastInever

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thoughtthatpracticingsamadhiwasinanywaynecessary.’Thenheadded,‘Themonksandnovices—andthelaypeopleaswell—haven’tbenefitedenoughfromhavingyouhere.Ifyoucan,I’dlikeyoutofindthetimetoteachthemtoo.’

Hetheninformedtheseniormonksinthetempleofhisintention,andthiswashowthemeditation-trainingsessionsatUruphongHallcameabout.Thefirstyear,1953,anumberoflaypeople,monks,andnovicesfromothertemplescameandjoinedinthesessions.ThaoSatyanurakcametostayatNekkhammaHouse,thehomefornunsatthetemple,andpracticedmeditationwithgoodresults.HermindgaverisetosuchunusualrealizationsthatshedecidedtostayonatWatBoromnivasauntilherdeath.

AttheendoftherainyseasonItookleaveoftheSomdettogooutwanderingintheprovinces.Hisillnessbythattimehadabatedsomewhat.ThatyearIreturnedtoWatBoromnivasaintimeforVisakhaPuja.

ThatnightIwenttositinmeditationintheordinationhall,andtherewasanotherevent:IsawrelicsoftheBuddhacomeandappear.Earlierintheeveningthethoughthadoccurredtome,‘Myeyesaresmall.I’dliketohavegreatbigeyes,abletoseeformilesandmiles.Myearsaresmall.I’dliketohavegreatbigears,abletohearallaroundtheworld.Mymouthissmall.I’dliketohaveitwide,abletogiveasermonthatwouldechoforfivedaysandnights.’Withthisinmind,Idecidedtoadoptthreepractices:1)Forawidemouth,don’teatalotorspeakalotonimportantdays.2)Forbigears,don’tlistentomattersthataren’tworthyourwhile.‘Cutoffyourmouth,’i.e.,gowithoutfood.‘Cutoffyourears,’i.e.,don’tpayattentiontoanythingatall.3)Forbigeyes,gowithoutsleep.

Sowiththisinmind,IdecidedtogowithoutsleeponVisakhaPuja.Alittleafter5a.m.alotoftheBuddha’srelicscametomethereintheordinationhall.

IspenttherainswiththeSomdetagain.Thatyearlaypeoplecameoutforthemeditationsessionsinevenlargernumbersthantheyearbefore.Anumberofbadevents,though,begantointerferebecausesomeofthemonkshadbecomeenviousandstartedlookingforwaystospoilthings.I’drathernotnamenames,though.WhoeverwantstolearnthedetailscangoaskThaoSatyanurakortheSomdet.*

Oneeveningataboutseven,amonknamedPhraKhruPalatThiencametomyquartersandsaidinalowvoice,‘Ihopeyouaren’tupset,Ajaan.I’monyoursidealltheway.’

‘Well,I’mgladtohearit,butIdon’tknowofanythingthatwouldmakemeupset.Tellmewhat’sup.’

Sohegavemethedetailsandthenadded,‘TherumorhasalreadyreachedtheSomdet.Ifhehasanydoubtsaboutyou,he’llprobablycallyoutohisquartersfor

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questioning.Ifandwhenhecallsyou,letmeknow.I’llstandupforyou.’Asitturnedout,though,theSomdetneversaidawordaboutthematter,andneveraskedmeevenasinglequestion.WesimplykeptondiscussingtheDhammaasalways.

Ananonymousletterappearedandmadetherounds:

WritingtextsisPhraKhruDhammasaan’sdailyhabit.AjaanLee’sisinstructinghisyoungladyfriend.Oldgray-hairedMahaPremwouldliketobeabbot,WhileLuangTaPaanbabblesonwithoutend.

PhraKhruDhammasaanwasgivenathoroughgrillingasaresultoftheletter—peoplebelievedhehadwrittenitasanattackonme.Ihadnoideaofwhatwasgoingon.Thereseemedtobealotofthingsunworthyofmonksgoingon,butIdidn’tpaythemanyattention.

Thedayaftertherainyseasonwasover,MahaNarongcametoseetheSomdetandthencamedownandaskedpermissiontocopydowntheinformationinmyidentificationpapers.Whenhehadfinished,hereturnedtotheSomdetandtoldhimthattheDirector’sOfficeatMahamakutBuddhistUniversityhadsentfortheinformationsothattheycouldarrangeformetobegiventhetitleofPhraKhru.TheSomdetsentforme.‘Thisiswhattheyhavetosay,’hetoldme.‘Whatdoyouhavetosay?’

‘I’mthesortofmonkwho,ifit’snotnecessary,hasneverwantedtohaveanythingtodowiththissortofthing.WhatevergoodI’vedonehasbeenforthesakeofthegroupasawhole.’

Sohetoldme,‘I’llanswerthemmyself.’Andthenheadded,‘I’lltellthem,“PhraAjaanLeecametostayherebecauseIaskedhimto,andhehasstayedonoutofrespectforme.Foryoutoarrangeatitleforhimwill,asIseeit,drivehimawayfromme.”’That,hesaid,washowhewouldanswerthem.

‘Good,’wasmyreply.Asaresult,thewholeideawasabandonedforthetimebeing.

ASTIMEPASSED,theSomdet’shealthimproved,soItookmyleaveofhimtogooffandfindsomeseclusionaswasmycustom.

Thatyearwasthe100thanniversaryofthefoundingofWatSupatwanaram,thefirstDhammayutmonasteryintheNortheast.TheSomdettoldme,‘Iwantyoutogohelpinthecelebration.I’mgoingtogivethemtherelicsyou’vepresentedtomeasasouvenirfromWatBoromnivasa.’Sayingthis,hewenttolookattherelicshehadplacedonthealtaroverhispillow,anddiscoveredthat

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morethan40hadcomeontheirownintotheglassbell.IsaidIwouldpresentthemalltohim.‘Thisisreallystrange,’hesaid.‘Neverinmylifeasamonkhasanythinglikethiseverhappenedbefore.’HesaidhewouldsendthemalltoWatSupat,andhadmechoosewhichonestosendinhisname,andwhichonesinmine.Whenhesaidthis,Idecidedtogohelpinthecelebrationasatokenofmyappreciationforhiskindness.

ThecelebrationatWatSupatturnedouttobeamajorevent.ThegovernmentdonatedalargesumofmoneytohelpandannouncedthatallthoseinBangkokwhoweregoinginanofficialcapacitywouldleavethecitytogetheronMarch18.ThenoticeannouncingthiswassignedbyFieldMarshalPhinChunhawan,MinisterofAgriculture,andGeneralLuangSawat,MinisterofCulture.

Oneday,whenIwasinLopburi,IlearnedthattherehadbeenachangeinplanssoIhurrieddowntoBangkok.WhenIarrived,theSomdetcalledforme.‘They’vechangedtheschedule,’hetoldme.‘Iwantyoutogowiththem.I’llgiveyoutherelics.They’llbeyourresponsibility.’

Ididn’tsayanythingonewayortheother,butafterIhadreturnedtomyquartersandthoughtthingsover,IrealizedthatIcouldn’tfollowtheSomdet’sorders.Iwenttoseehim.

‘Ican’tgo,’Itoldhim.‘Thenoticepublishedwiththegovernmentsealsaysthatonthe17ththerelicswillbesetoutforpublicviewinghereatWatBoromnivasa.Nowtheplanshavefallenthrough.I’vealreadydistributedthenotice,andonthe17thlargenumbersofpeoplewillbecoming.IfIleavebeforehand,I’llbeinforalotofcriticism.That’swhyIcan’tgo.’

Noneoftheseniormonks,itturnedout,weregoing.TheproblemwascausedbyNaiChao.ItseemsthatFieldMarshalPhinhadmentionedthathe’dliketoleaveadayearlyandstopoffforthenightinNakhornRatchasima,givingthesoldiers,policemen,governmentofficials,andpeopleingeneraltherethechancetopaytheirrespectstotherelics.NaiChaohadn’tinformedtheecclesiasticalauthorities,andthisiswhytherehadbeenamistakeintheprintedschedule.

AsaresultIdidn’tgowiththefirsttrain,becausetheSomdethadtoldme,‘Stayhere.Ifanyonecomes,taketherelicsanddisplaytheminthemainhall.’Iagreedtodoashesaid.ThatnightIplacedthreerelics,largerthanlettuceseedsandthecolorofpearls,onaglasstrayandtookthemtodisplayinUruphongHall.Thispersonandthatpersonwantedtolookbecausetheyhadneverseenanyrelicsbefore.WhenIopenedthecottonwoolandtheysawthethreerelics,thispersonpokedatthem,thatpersonpickedthemup—andsotwoofthemdisappeared,leavingonlyone.

ThenextdayItooktheexpresstraintoUbonalongwithagroupofothers,14inall.ReachingUbon,wewenttohelpintheanniversarycelebration,which

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includedthelayingofthecornerstonefortheMahatherabuildingtobeconstructedthereinWatSupat.

Onenighttherewasanincidentatalittleafter10p.m.Agroupofabout50ofusweresittinginmeditationintheordinationhallwhenalightappeared,flashingonandofflikeafluorescentbulb.Weallopenedoureyesandtwoorthreepeoplefoundrelicsinfrontofthem.Asitgotlater,moreandmorerelicsappeared.Peoplebothinsideandoutsidetheordinationhallwerepuzzledandonebyonebegantosuspectafraud.Whenitgotfairlylatewestoppedforthenight.

Thenextdayrumorsspreadthroughtown.Amanwhohadneverbeforesetfootinamonasterycametotellmethatthenightbefore,hehaddreamedthatloadsandloadsoffallingstarshaddroppedintoWatSupat.Ithoughttomyself,‘IftherereallyaresacredobjectsconnectedwithBuddhism,Iwantthemtoshowthemselves.’

ThateveningNaiPhit,oftheProvincialFisheriesBureau,broughtafriend,aladyteacher,tocomeandseeme.Theteacherstartedaskingmealotofbizarrequestionsandintheendannouncedthatshewasgoingtoleaveherhusbandandcomefollowme,becausetheDhammaItaughtwassoamazing.Herhusband,NaiPrasong,workedintheUbonbranchoftheGovernmentSavingsBankandwasaChristian.Thinkingthathiswifehadbecomementallyunbalanced,hehadmadeahabitoffollowingalongwherevershewent.Peoplewouldaskhim,‘Ifyou’reChristian,whatareyoudoinginaBuddhistordinationhall?’

Theteacherbecameevenmorerecklessandbold,andcametositjustameterawayfromme.Iwassittingonachair,andherhusbandwassittingaboutthreemetersofftooneside.Altogethertherewereabout50peopleinthehall.SoImadeavow:‘Todaymaythepowerofsacredobjectscomeandhelpmebecausethere’sarumorgoingaround,concerningtherelicsoftheBuddha,thatI’mtrickinganddeceivingthepeople.Withnewslikethis,there’snooneIcanturntounlessthedevaandsacredobjectscanhelpme.OtherwiseBuddhismisinforderisionandcontempt.’Atthetime,ChaoKhunAriyagunadharawassittinginfrontofthemajorBuddhaimage.Alltheothermonkshadleft,becauseitwassolate.

Ithenhadeveryonesitinmeditationandadded,‘Whoeverdoesn’tbelieve,justsitstillandwatch.’Afteramomentorso,Ihadthefeelingthatsacredobjectshadcomeandwerecirclingallaround,soIorderedeveryonetoopentheireyes,andtoldNaiPrasong.‘Openyoureyesandlookatme.I’mgoingtostandup.’Ithenstoodupandshookoutmyrobesandsittingclothforhimtosee,atthesametimethinking,‘Maythedevashelpmesothathewon’tbeabletoholdourreligionincontempt.’ThenIsaidinaloudvoice,‘RelicsoftheBuddhahavecome.Peoplesittingrightinfrontofmewillreceivethem.Butwhenyouopen

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youreyes,don’tmoveamuscle.Imyselfwon’tmove.’AssoonasIhadfinishedspeakingtherewasthepingofsomethingsmall

fallingonthefloorofthehall.Awomangotuptopounceonit,butitsprangfromhergraspandcameneartowhereIwassitting.Anotherpersoncamerunningafterit,butIorderedhimtostop.Finallytheobjectcametorestinfrontoftheteacher,soItoldher,‘It’syours.NaiPrasong,watchcarefully.’Theteacherpickeditup:Itwasasettingfromaring,veryfinelydone—anobjectthathadoncebeenofferedinworshiptotheBuddha’srelics.

Astimepassed,theteacherwouldsitthere,sometimeswithhereyesclosed,sometimeswiththemopen,butshe’dsay,‘LuangPhaw,you’vetakenmeuptositontopofamountain.’‘AllIcanseeismyownskeleton,buthowcanthatbeifI’mstillalive?’‘EventhoughIhaveasalaryof500bahtamonth,I’veneverknownthehappinessIfeelsittinghererightnow.’Thethingsshe’dsaygotwilderandwilderallthetime.

Intheend,nofewerthantenpeoplereceivedrelicsoftheBuddhathatnight.Allthepeopletherehadtheireyeswideopenandtheplacewaswelllit.Justbeforedaybreak,NaiPhaecametome,clutchinginhisfistasetofrelicsthathethengavetome,sayinghehadreceivedthemthenightbefore.IturnedthemallovertoWatSupat.

Thecelebrationlastedfivedaysandfivenights.Onedaytheyarrangedarafflefordonatingsetsofrobestomonkswhohadcometojoininthecelebration.TherewerealotofpeopleinUbonwhostillmistrustedme,butnoneofthemwereopenaboutit.OnepersonwhowasopenaboutitwasMaeThawngmuanSiasakun.Shemadeavow:‘Ifthisajaanisreallyhonestandsincere,mayhedrawmysetofrobesintheraffle.’Whenwedrewtheraffletickets,itturnedoutthatIactuallydiddrawhersetofrobes.

WITHTHECELEBRATIONOVER,IreturnedtoBangkokandthenwenttowanderaroundfromplacetoplace.Whenthetimecametostopfortherains,IreturnedasalwaystobewiththeSomdet.Thatrainyseasonhisillnesswasmuchworse.Hedidn’tsitinmeditationmuchatall.Mostofthetimehe’dmeditatelyingdown.Aftertherainshepassedaway.

Duringtherainshewasverysick.Hisasthmaflaredupandhecouldn’tgetanysleep.Onenightatabout2a.m.,amonkcamerunningforme.AllthemonksandnoviceswereinanuproarbecausetheSomdethadtoldthemtogoforthedoctor,buthereitwaslateinthemiddleofthenight—howcouldtheygoforthedoctor?ChaoKhunSumedhihadhadthemonkgoformeinsteadsothatIcouldreasonwiththeSomdet,fortheSomdetwouldn’tlistentoanyoneelse.

SoIwentuptotheSomdetandaskedhim,‘Whatmedicinedidyoutake

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today?Howmanytablets?Howmanytimes?’‘Ican’tbreathe,’washisanswer.Ifelthisbody.Hewasfieryhot.Ilearnedthathehadtakenonetablettoo

many.Thedoctorhadtoldhimtotakeonetablettwicedaily,buthehadn’tfeltlikegoingtoallthattrouble,andsohadtakentwotabletsatonce.Nowhehadabadcaseofheartburnandcouldhardlybreathe.Itoldhim,‘I’veseenthissortofthingbefore.It’snotserious.Inabout15minutesit’llpass.’

Amomentlaterheclosedhiseyesandenteredsamadhi.Monksandnovicesweresittingaroundonallsides.Afterawhilehesaid,‘I’mfinenow.Youdon’thavetogoforthedoctor.’

Duringthecoldseasonhisasthmaflaredupagain.Onemorninghesentanovicetofetchme.AtthetimeIhadvisitors,sothenovicesimplyspoketomeandleft.TheSomdetthenaskedhim,‘IsAjaanLeehereinthetemple?’

‘Yes.’‘Inthatcasehedoesn’thavetocome.Mymindisatrest.Ifheleavesthe

temple,though,goafterhimandhavehimcomeback.’Ataboutfiveintheeveninghesentthenovicetolookinonme.Thenovice

didn’tsayanythingtomebecauseIwassittinginmeditation.HereturnedtotheSomdetandsaid,‘AjaanLeeisin.’Alittlelater,ataboutsix,hecameformeagain.ThistimeIhurrieduptoseetheSomdet.Hemadeanumberofdirectivesconcerningthetempleandthenlaystill.Iwentdownstairsforamoment.

Suddenlytherewasacommotionupstairs,soIhurriedupagain.AlongwiththeSomdetintheroomwerethemonkwhowasnursinghimandChaoKhunDhammapitok.LookingattheSomdet’scondition,Iknewhewouldn’tlast.Monksandnoviceswererunningaroundinconfusion,andthedoctorswereallupset.OneofthemhadstuckhisfingerdowntheSomdet’swindpipetoremovesomephlegm,buttonoavail.WhenIcouldseethattherewasnohope,Iorderedthedoctortostop:‘Don’ttouchhim.’Andamomentlater,theSomdetbreathedhislast.

Whenwehadfinishedwashingthebody,wemetforconsultation,andthefollowingdayarrangedfortheceremonialbathingofthecorpse.

Thetemplecommitteethenbeganthemerit-makingceremonies.Theyaskedmetobeinchargeofthekitchen,whichIagreedtodo.KhunNaiTunKosalyawitwasmyassistant.Thefirstsevendayswedidn’thavetodrawonthetemplefundsatallbecausesomanypeoplecameandmadevoluntarycontributions.Altogetherthemerit-makinglasted50days.Duringthisperiodwedrewontemplefundsfromtimetotime.Afterthe50dayswereover,IdecidedI’dhavetogooffforarest.

Onthe10thofAprilIleftforLampangtohelpwiththeceremonialmarking

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oftheboundariesoftheordinationhallatWatSamraanNivasa,whichlastedforseveraldays.Whentheceremonieswereover,IwenttostayinPhraSabaiCave.Myoldstomachproblemsbegantoflareup:Ihadabadcaseofdiarrheaandfiercepainsinmystomach.WordreachedthecityofLampangthatIwasinbadshape.

OnedayIwenttorestintheinnercave.Isawarockstuckinthemouthofthecave,20metersofftheground.ThethoughtoccurredtomethatI’dliketobuildachedithereinthecave.Icalledtothelaypeoplestayingwithmetohelppushtherockoutofthecave,whichtheywereabletodo.Wethendugaholeandcutawayattherockflooruntilabout1p.m.,whenacararrived.Thepeopleinthecarsaidthattheyhadcometotakemetothehospital,butIhadalreadyrecoveredfrommyillnesswithoutrealizingit.Itoldthemthatweweregoingtobuildachedi.Beforeleavingthecave,Istoodatitsmouthandlookedouttothesouthwest,toarangeofdeepgreen,forestedmountains.Seeingthefreshgreenofthetrees,IthoughtoftheBodhitreeandthatitwouldbegoodtoplantthreeBodhitreesthereatthemouthofthecave.Imentionedthistothemonksandnovices,andthenreturnedtoLampang.

FromthereIwentontoUttaraditbecausealaypersonhadcomeuplookingforme,askingmetoreturntoUttaraditbecauseanoldwoman—astudentofmine—hadstartedbabblingincoherentlyforseveraldays.IwenttostayinUttaraditafairwhile,helpingthewoman,andthenwentontoPhitsanuloke,whereIstayedatWatRaadburana,nearthehomeofawomanwhowasan‘adoptedchild’ofmine.Thestoryofthisadoptedchildisworthtelling,althoughitdatesbacktotheyearIspenttherainswiththehilltribespeopleatBaanPhaaDaenSaenKandaan(TheCliffVillageintheLandofReallyPrimitiveHardship)inChiengMai.

Thewoman’snamewasFyyn;herhusband’s,MahaNawm.OnedayIhadgonetoteachmeditationatWatAranyik,locatedinaforestsixkilometersoutsideofPhitsanuloke.Alotofgovernmentofficials,shopkeepers,andpeopleingeneralhadcometopracticesamadhi,includingthechiefofpolice,LuangSamrit;LuangChyyn,KhunKasem,CaptainPhaew—allofthempeoplereallyearnestaboutpracticingmeditation.Weweresitting,discussingtheDhamma,whensomeonecameandsaidtome,‘Pleasecomeandvisitasickpersoninmyhome.’Iagreedtogo.Thechiefofpolicethendroveusthereinhiscar.

Whenwearrived,theytoldmethatadhutangamonkhadcomedownfromthenorth,madesomelustralwaterforthem,andthentoldthem,‘I’mafraidIcan’tcureyou,butamonkwhocanwillbecomingsoon.’Hehadthenleftandcontinuedonhiswanderings.AssoonasMahaNawmhadheardthatIwasinthearea,hehadcomelookingforme.Talkingwithhim,Ilearnedthathiswife,MaeFyyn,hadbeenillforthreeyearsnow,eversinceshehadlainbythefireafter

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childbirth.Theyhadspentmorethan8,000bahtoninjections,butnothinghadcuredher.Allshecoulddoforthelastthreeyearswassimplyliethere.Shecouldn’tgetupatall.Forthepastyearshehadn’tbeenabletospeak.Shecouldn’tevenmove.Hearingthis,ItoldMahaNawmthatI’dgohavealook

AssoonasIsetfootinthedoor,Isawthewomanraiseherhandsfeeblyinawai.Ididn’tgiveathoughttohercondition,butsimplysatinsamadhi.MaeFyynsaidtwoorthreewords,movedherselfalittle,raisedherhandsinanotherwai,satup,andthenkneeleddownbyherpillow.‘Getwell,’Itoldher.‘Bedonewithyouroldkarma.’

ThatdayIorderedhertopickupamatchandlightmeacigarette,andshewasabletodoit.Itoldthepeopleinthehousenottofeedherthefollowingday,simplytoplacesomericeandcurrydownnexttoher.She’dbeabletofeedherself.

Thenextday,herhusbandcametothetempletopresentfoodtome.Whenhereturnedhome,hefoundthatshehadfinishedherbreakfast,washedthedishes,andwasabletogetupandcrawlaround.Iwenttoseeherthatafternoon,butfoundthattheneighborshadallbroughtjugsandpotstogetsomeof‘thatfantasticlustralwater.’Seeingthis,Ifeltillatease,andsohurriedbacktoBangkok.

Wekeptintouchbyletter,though.Amonthafterwards,MaeFyynwasabletogetupandwalk.Thesecondyearshewasabletogotothenearbytempleanddonatefoodtothemonks.ThethirdyearshecamedowntostayatWatBoromnivasa—walkingallthewayfromHuaLampongtrainstationtoWatBorom,andwalkingeverydayfromwhereshewasstayingtohearsermonsatthemeditationhall,perfectlynormalineveryway.Altogether,itwasanamazingaffair.

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FROMPHITSANULOKEIwentontoPhetchabuntovisitastudentwhohadsetupamonasteryatLomKaodistrictwiththehelpofDistrictOfficialPin.Afterstayinginseclusionforafairwhile,Iwentwithsomeothersintotheforest.

Wecrossedmountainsandstreamsforseveraldaysandthenstoppedtorestontheslopesofahill.Fromtherewefollowedthelowerslopesofthehillsuntilwereachedatallmountaincoveredwithabrightopenforest.OffinthedistanceIcouldseeatoweringpeakcalledHawMountain.Mycompanionshadgoneonahead;Iwasfollowingbehind.ThinkingofHawMountain,mymindwasatpeace.Ithoughtofatreasurethatwasbeyondmypowers:‘I’dliketobeabletolevitatetothepeakofHawMountain.’Istoodstillthereforamoment,mybowlhangingonastrapfrommyshoulder,anddreamedthatacloudcamedownoutoftheskywhileafaintvoicesaidtome,‘Don’tthinkaboutit.Whenthetimecomes,itwillhappenonitsown.’Thevisionthendisappeared.

DuringthistripIwasreallythirsty.Onallsidesofthetrailwerenothingbutpacksoffoxes,duetothefactthatweweresofarfromhumanhabitation.WekeptongoingandstoppedoffatBaanWangNaamSai(ClearWaterVillage).Wethencutacrosstheforestsandstreams,andwhenwecameoutoftheforest,wearrivedatthePhaaBingRange,aplacewhereAjaanMunhadoncestayed.Thiswasanareaofcavesandsmallhills.Wespentquiteafewdaysthere.

Lateonenight,whenitwasquietandstill,IwassittinginmeditationuntilIfeltlikeIwasgoingtodozeoff,andsuddenlytherewasanincident.IsawamountainpeakcoveredwithtreestothewestofPhuuKradyng.Agiganticman,wearingadarkyellowclothtiedaroundhiswaist,wasstandingonthemountainandholdinguptheskywithhishands.Iwasstandingunderhisarm.Hesaid,‘Inthefuture,lifewillbehardforhumanity.Theywilldiefrompoisonouswater.Thiswaterwillbeoftwokinds:

1.Foganddewthatwillhurtthecropswhereveritforms.Peoplewhoeatthecropsmaybecomesick.

2.Rain.Ifyoucomeacrossstrangerainwater,i.e.,a.reddishrainwaterorb.yellowishrainwaterwithapeculiartaste,

don’tdrinkit.Ifyoudo,you’llcomedownwithdiarrheaandarash.Ifyoudrinkagreatdeal,youmaydie.’

Thiswasthefirstpointhehadtosay.Thesecondpoint:Hegesturedofftothenortheast.Isawagiantspringofwatershootingoutoftheground.Whereveritswatersflowed,peoplebecameill.Iftheyusedthiswatertoirrigatefruittrees,thetreeswouldbecomediseased.Thelifespanofpeoplewouldbecomeshorterandshorter.

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Thethirdpoint:Somethingstrangebegantohappenonthemountaintop.Inwhateverdirectionhespreadouthishand,thetreeswouldbeleveledinrows.‘Whatdoesthismean?’Iasked.

‘Adultswithnosenseofmoralitywillsufferinthefuture.’‘Cananyofthisbeprevented?’‘Thediseasescausedbywater,ifcaughtintime,aren’tserious.Otherwise

they’llcausedeathwithinthree,five,orninedays.’‘WillIbeaffected?’‘No,becauseyouappreciatethevirtuesofyourelders.I’llgiveyoutheformula

forthecure.Ifyouhearthatanyofthesediseaseshaveappeared,goquicklytohelp.’

Iaskedhim,‘Can’tyoutellthemthecureyourself?’‘Icould,’hesaid,‘butitwouldn’tdoanygood.Youhavetomakethe

medicineyourself.Taketamarindfruits,removetheshells,andsoaktheminasaltsolution.Thenpouroffthewaterandgiveittothediseasedpeople—orhavethemdrinkthebrinefrompickledgarlic.Thediseasewillgoaway—butyouhavetomakethemedicineyourself.’HewentontosaythathisnamewasSañciccoDevaputta.

Thishappenedin1956.AfterweleftPhaaBingRangeandhadgonetostayinanearbytownship,the

peopletherecamewithastrangestorytotell.Thenightbefore,acloudofmisthadpassedthroughatobaccofield,andtheleavesofthetobaccoplantshadallfallenoff.Anothertime,IheardthatinThoendistrict,Lampangprovince,villagershaddrunkrainwaterthecoloroftea,andmorethantenofthemhaddied.Bothofthesestoriesseemeduncannybecausetheywereinlinewithmydream.

AfterthatwewentontoWangSaphungdistrictandthenclimbedthegreatPhuuKradyngPlateau,afterspendinganightatthefootoftheplateau.

Altogethertherewerefiveofus:twoboysandthreemonks.Weclimbedtheplateau,reachingtheedgeofthetopatabout7p.m.Fromtherethewalktoourcampsitewasalittlemorethanthreemiles.Theairontheplateauwaschilly,andthewholeareawascoveredwithpines.Assoonaswereachedthetop,itrained,sowealllookedforplacestostay.IspottedapinelogthathadfallenintoapatchoftallgrassandsoIclimbeduptolieonthelog.Theothershadrunofftofindshelterelsewhere.Thatnighttherewasbothwindandrain,whichmeantthatIdidn’tgetanysleepallnightlong.

Atdawnwecameoutlookingforoneanother,andthensearchedforaplacetostay.Wefoundasmallcavewithafinerockledgeandatinywellfilledwith

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rainwaterfromthenightbefore.Therewestayedinsolitude.Theplateauwasagreatbroadplain,sevenkilometerssquare.Onceyouwere

upthere,youfeltasifyouwereonlevelground.Thewholeplateauwascoveredwithpinesandtallgrasses—butwithnootherkindsoftrees,althoughthereweremanykindsoftreesonthelowerslopes.This,Iwouldgather,wasbecausethetopoftheplateauwassolidrock.Youcouldtellfromthefallenpines:Theirrootshadcreptalongthecrevicesintherock.

Thiswasareallyrestful,quietplacetostay.Everydayat5p.m.whenitdidn’train,we’dgettogethertositinmeditationontherockledge.I’dthinktomyself,‘Idon’twanttoreturntotheworldofhumanbeings.I’dliketoliveoninthewoodsandthewildslikethis.Ifpossible,I’dliketoattainsupranaturalpowersor,ifIdon’tattainthem,mayIdiewithinsevendays,enteringnibbanaontheseventh.Otherwise,maythedevastakemeofftoliveinsolitude,farfromthecongregatingspotsofhumanityforatleastthreeyears.’EverytimeI’dstartthinkinglikethis,though,therainwouldstarttofall,andwe’dhavetogobackintothecave.

Oneoftheothermonkswithus,namedPhraPalatSri,hadnevergoneoutintothewildsbefore.Allalongthewayhehadtalkedlikeasalesman,whichhadmeannoyed.Inotherwords,helikedtotalkaboutworldlymatters.Wheneverwereachedavillagethatlookedpoor,he’dbringouthis‘Lopburihasloadsoffish’storyforthevillagerstohear.He’dtellthemthatpickledfishfromLopburiwassoldasfarawayasChaiyaphumprovince.Thisannoyedme.Wehadcomeoutforsolitude,nottosellpickledfish.I’dhavetokeepafterhimaboutthis,buthehadmoreyearsinthemonkhoodthanI.Whenwe’dgotostayonamountaintop,he’dliketobuildafiretowarmhimself—whenIwasasleep.Hewouldn’tdaredoitwhenIwasawake.*Whilewarminghimself,he’dgetthetwoboys,ManandManu,tojoinhimandtalk.

Afterwehadstayedforafewdays,thegroupstartedgettinglessandlessquiet.Thefirstdayhadbeenfine:Noonedaredtalkbecausetheywereafraidofthetigersandelephantsthatwereplentifulontheplateau.Afterthefifthdayourriceranout,sowegotreadytogodowntheplateau.

Whenwereachedlevelground,westoppedtorestforawhile.ApersonwhoworkedforsomeWesternerssawusandcametospreadoutamatformetositon.Ididn’taccepttheoffer,soheinvitedPhraPalatSritositonthemat,whichhedid.Amomentlaterweheardthunder,eventhoughtheskywassunny,andinthatveryinstantabranchfromanearbytreecamecrashingdownlessthanafootfromPhraPalatSri’shead.PhraPalatSri,hisfacepale,jumpedupfromwherehehadbeensitting.‘That,’Itoldhim,‘iswhathappenstopeoplewhodon’thaveanyself-restraint.’Fromthatpointon,PhraPalatSribecameaveryquietperson.

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AfterthatwewentonandstoppedtospendthenightataschoolnearPhaaNokKhao(OwlCliff).Myfollowerswerealltiredout.Latethatnight,whenitwasquiet,Icouldhearthesoundsofpeoplesneakingoutintotheforest,sothenextmorningIaskedoneofthemonkswhattheyhadbeenuptothenightbefore,andwastold,‘Wetookyourpalmsugar.We’vebeencarryingitfordaysnowbuthaven’thadany,solastnightweboileditinwateranddrankitallup.’

Whenwehadfinishedourmealthatmorning,welefttocrossthroughalargeforest.Beforesettingout,Imadeupmymind:‘I’mgoingtoridemyowncarallthewaytoChumphaedistrict,’whichwas80kilometersaway.‘Iwon’tacceptanyofferstorideinacarortruck.I’mgoingtolookforsolitudeintheforest.’Afewminuteslater,afterwehadgoneaboutakilometeralongtheroad,acarwentwhizzingpastandthenstoppedabout200metersaheadofus.Awomancamerunninginourdirectionandsaid,‘Pleaseacceptarideinourcar.We’vejustboughtit.’

Ilookedatthefacesoftheothers:Theyallwantedtoaccepttheride,butIdidn’tagreetoit.Thewomanpleadedwithusforalongtime,butIstilldidn’taccepttheoffer.

Wewalkedalong—ourumbrellatentsandbowlsslungoverourshoulders—throughtheheatandthesun.AfteraboutfourkilometersIspottedahillwithaspiritshrineaheadandsostoppedtorestandexplorethecavesthere.Awomancamealongwithachildinherarmsandthreedeadlizardsslungoverhershoulder,whichsheplacednearthespotwhereIwasresting.Ithoughtofaskingherforoneofthelizards,butdidn’tdaresayanything.

AfterIhadrestedforamoment,aparcelposttruckfromLoeicamepast,withNaiManandPhraPalatSrisittinginit.Thedriverstopped,jumpeddownfromthetruck,andcamerunningtowardme.‘I’veseenyouwalkingalongtheroadforseveraldaysnow,’hesaid.‘Pleaseacceptaridefromme.’Hepleadedwithmeforseveralminutes,saying‘Iwon’taskforanyfare,notevenfromtheboys.’Oneofmyfollowershadgoneonahead;onewastrailingbehind.‘Thankyou,’Itoldhim‘butwecan’tacceptyouroffer.’Somyfollowerswhowereinthetruckhadtogetout.

WewalkedintotheLaanWilds,anareaofvirginforest.Ataboutfiveintheafternoon,PhraPalatSrihadanattackofdysentery,soIgavehimpermissiontorideonaheadandwaitforusatChumphae.NaiMancouldn’twalkanyfurther—hewasbarelyabletodraghimselfalong—soIgavehimpermissiontotaketheridetoChumphaeandwaitforustheretoo.Sothatleftthreeofus:myself,PhraJuum,andNaiManu,aboyfromUttaradit.

Wereachedourrestingplace—avillagecalledBaanKrathum—afterdark,atabout8p.m.Wehadtroublefindingaplacetostayandendedupcampinginthe

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woodsnearastretchofwater.Upthenextmorning,wewentforalmsinthevillageandthen,afterourmeal,traveledon.

Afterwehadwalkedforaboutakilometer,thesunbecamesofiercethatwestoppedforawhiletorestintheshade.Ataroundfiveintheeveningtheskybecamedarkandominous.Itlookedlikerain.NaiManuwasn’twillingtospendthenightintheforestandsoaskedpermissiontorideonaheadtoKhonKaen,butwhenhewenttowavedownaride,noonewouldstopforhim.Afterashortwhileastormblewup,withheavywindsandrain.Theboywentforsheltertoahousenearby.Laterthatnighttheroofofthehouseblewoffinthewind.

Meanwhile,PhraJuumandIhadwalkedon,lookingforshelteralongtheroadside.Ispottedashack,ameterbytwoandahalfmeterswide,andthatchedwithgrass.Therainwaspouringdownandthewindwasblowingbranchesoffthetrees,soIcalledtoPhraJuumandwewenttostayintheshack.PhraJuumopenedhisumbrellatentandrestedunderonehalfoftheroof.Istoodrestingundertheotherhalf.Agustofwindcame,toreoffthehalfoftheroofunderwhichPhraJuumwasresting,andcarrieditawayintothemiddleofthefields.Amomentlateratreecamecrashingdown.PhraJuumcamerunningtomyhalfoftheshack.Seeingthatwecouldn’tstaythereanylonger,wewentrunningforaclumpofbushesthatgaveusenoughspacetocrouch,shiveringandcold,foraboutanhouruntiltherainstoppedandthewinddieddown.Ourrobesandthingsweresoakingwet.Wewentandfoundanothershack,litafire,andspentthenightthere.Duringthenight,itrainedagain.

Thenextdaytheboywasn’tabletowalkonanyfurther,sowehadhimrideonaheadtowaitforusatChumphae,leavingjustthetwoofus,PhraJuumandmyself,towalkonbyourselves.AtaboutfivethateveningwereachedChumphae.PhraPalatSri’sdysenterystillhadn’tclearedup—hisfacewaspaleandsickly—sowestayedonatChumphaeuntilhehadrecoveredsomewhat.

IreceivednewsthatthedatefortheSomdet’scremationhadbeensetandthatitwastotakeplacefairlysoon,soItooktheexpresstrainfromKhonKaentoBangkok.ThiswasinJune,1956.

REACHINGWATBOROMNIVASA,IlearnedthattheecclesiasticalauthoritieshadmetforconsultationconcerningtheSomdet’scremation.Thatverydaytherehadbeenameetingofelevenseniormonkstoappointacommitteetorunthecremation,afterwhichtheyhadgonetomeetwiththeIsaanSocietyintheGreenHall.About100membersofthesocietywerepresentatthemeeting,whichwaschairedbyNaiLyanBuasuwan.WhenIreachedtheGreenHall,IcouldseeChaoKhunDhammapitokandChaoKhunDhammatiloksittinginonthemeeting,buttheyweren’tsayinganythingatall.

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AllIcouldhearwasthevoiceofDoctorFonSaengsingkaew.Istoodandlistenedoutside,butdidn’tlikewhatIheard.TheyweremakingplanstocollectmoneyinthenameoftheSomdettobuildamentalhospitalforDoctorFoninUbon.

SoIenteredthemeeting,satdown,excusedmyself,andthensaid,‘Thematteryou’rediscussingmakesmereallysad.IhelpedtakecareoftheSomdetforthreeyears,andnowhe’sbeendeadformorethan100days,andyetwithalltheajaansandmembersofthesocietysittinghere,Ihaven’theardanyonemakeanymentionofplansforthecremation.Iunderstandyou’vebudgeted700,000bahtforthehospital,butIhaven’theardanyonesetabudgetfortheSomdet.Thismakesmereallysad,whichiswhyI’veaskedyourpermissiontospeak.’

AssoonasIhadfinished,DoctorFonsaid,‘IwenttoseeFieldMarshalPhintotellhimthatwedidn’thaveenoughmoneytobuildthehospital,andthatI’dliketocollectmoneyinconnectionwiththecremationinordertoaugmentourfunds.Heagreedthatitwouldbeagoodideaandcontributed10,000bahtofhisown,whichiswhyIbroughtupthematter.’

SoIresponded,‘Phin,schmin,Idon’tknowanythingaboutthat.AllIknowisthatwehaven’tmetheretodiscussahospital.We’vemettodiscussacorpse.’

Hearingthis,DoctorFongotupandwalkedoutofthemeeting.NaiLyansatstillforamoment,andthensaid,‘Inthatcase,whatdotheajaans

havetosay?’ChaoKhunDhammatilok,ChaoKhunNyanarakkhit,andtheothersallsatabsolutelystill.NaiLyanaskedagain,‘Whatwouldtheajaanshaveusdo?’

SoIanswered,‘It’snotthatI’magainstthehospital,butIfeelthatitshouldbebroughtupafterwards,becausetheSomdet’sbodyisstilllyingaroundsmellinguptheplaceandsoshouldbetakencareoffirst.’

WhenIfinishedspeaking,KhunNaiTunraisedherhandinagreementfromthebackoftheroom.

Intheendwehadthesecretaryrecordthefollowingthreepointsastheconsensusofthemeeting:

1.Howeverthemoneyistobecollected,haveitgotowardthecremationuntilthecommitteeinchargefeelsthatithasenough.

2.Ifthereisanymoneyleftover,appointacommitteetoconsiderhandingtheexcessovertothehospital.

3.Ifthecommitteedoesn’tseefit,themoneyneedn’tgotothehospital.Whenthesethreepointshadbeenrecorded,someoneasked,‘Who’sgoingto

runthecremation?’Noneofthemonksresponded,soIansweredforthem,‘ThemonksofWat

Borom.’

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MahaWichien,whoworkedwiththeCultureMinistry,spokeup.‘You’remonks.Ifyourunthecremation,howwillyouhandlethemoney?’

Ianswered,‘Ihavelotsofhands.I’mjustafraidtherewon’tbeanymoneyforthemtocollect.Idon’tknowhowtohandlemoneymyself,butIhavefollowerswhodo.’

ThatsilencedMahaWichien.Intheendwedecidedtodoawaywiththeoldcommitteeandsetupanew

oneheadedbyChaoKhunDhammapitok.Themeetingwasthenadjourned.ThenextmorningIpassedbythequartersofChaoKhunDhammapitokand

hecalledmeintohisroom.‘TherearesomethingsI’dliketotellyouconcerningtheSomdet,’hesaid.‘I’vekeptthemsecretandhaven’ttoldanyoneelseatall.’Hethenwentontosay,‘RightbeforehediedtheSomdet:

1)toldmetobeinchargeofhisfuneralafterhedied;2)turnedoverallofhisbelongingstome;and3)toldmetohelptakechargeofthemonksandnovicesinWatBorom.’

‘That’sgoodtohear,’Itoldhim.AfterwardsweheldameetingofthemonksinWatBorom,atwhichtheSomdet’sordersweremadepublic.ChaoKhunDhammapitokwasthengivenresponsibilityforrunningboththefuneralandthetempleasawhole.

Beforeleavingthemeeting,Ispokeup.‘I’dliketobegyourpardon,butIwassodisgustedyesterdayIcouldn’tstandit.WhentheSomdetwasalivenooneeverspokeofhishospital;afterhediednoonespokeofhiscremation—butstartedspeakingaboutthehospitalinstead.IfwhatIsaidwasimproperorwrongorcausedanyhardfeelings,thenI’lltakemyleaveofthetempleandasknottobeinvolvedinthefuneral.’

ChaoKhunDhammapitokthenpleadedwithmenottoleaveandtoldme,‘Therewasnothingwrongwithwhatyousaid.’SoIjoinedinandhelpedwiththefuneraluntilitwasover.

Notlongafterwards,thecremationwasheldatWatPhraSriMahadhatuintheBangKhendistrictofBangkok.TheSomdethadbeenthefirstabbotofthistemplewhenitwasbuiltbythegovernment.Afterthecremation,IwenttospendtherainsatNaaMaeKhao(WhiteMother’sField)atwhatisnowcalledWatAsokaram.

WHEREWATASOKARAM,standstodaywasoriginallycalledWhiteMother’sField.Theowners,SumetandKimhongKraikaan,donatedabout22acresoveraperiodoftwoyears—1954and55—forthepurposeofbuildingamonastery.Wethensetupquartersandhadoneofmyfollowers,PhraKhru

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BaitikaThat,gotolookaftertheplaceinmyabsencealongwithfiveothermonks.Sowhenthemonasterywasfirstfoundedwehadsixmonksstayingthere.

In1956,aftertheSomdet’scremation,Iwenttheretospendtherains.DuringthisperiodIbeganmakingplansforthefestivalcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismin1957(2500B.E.).Actually,Ihadalreadybeenthinkingaboutthematterforalongtime,eversincetheyearIlefttheforestatBaanPhaaDaenSaenKandaaninChiengMai.

DuringtheyearsthatIwascontemplatingholdingafestivaltocelebrate25centuriesofBuddhism,Ihadgoneoffwanderingtoanumberofplaces.Onenight,whilestayingatPhraSabaiCaveinMaeThadistrict,Lampang,IwentintoadeepcavebehindPhraSabaiCaveandlitaseriesofkerosenelanternsthatIplacedinarowinfrontoftheBuddhaimagethere.Directlyinfrontoftheimagewasafloorofwoodenplanks.Asformyself,Iwenttositonalargerockandfacedthewallofthecave.Ikeptthelanternslitbrightallnightlong.Imadeavow:‘Thiswillhavetobeabigfestival,butIdon’thaveanyresources.ShouldIgoaheadwithitornot?MaytheDhammainspiretheanswertoappearinmyheart.Ormaythedevaswhowatchoverthenation,thereligion,andtheKing,andthedevawhoguardstheEmeraldBuddha—whichliesattheheartofthenation’sspirit—helpshowmetheway.’

Thatnightatabout2a.m.,whilemymindwasrestedandatease,therewasanincident:asuddenclatterfrominfrontoftheBuddhaimage.Itwasthesound,notoffallingrock,butofshatteringglass.Iwaitedforamomentandthengotuptohavealook.IwalkedaroundaboutthreetofourmetersfromwhereIhadbeensitting.Theentirecavewaslit—asmallcircularcave,nomorethaneighttoninemeterswide,tentofifteenmeterstall,andwithanopeningleadingtotheopenairoverhead.Afterwalkingaroundinspectingtheareaandnotseeinganything,Ireturnedtomyoriginalspotandcontinuedsittinginmeditation.

Whilesitting,Idozedoffanddreamed.Adevacametomeandsaid,‘Youdon’thavetoworryaboutthefestival,butyouwillhavetoholdit.Wheneveryoudoit,itwillbeasuccess.’AfterthatIdidn’tgivemuchthoughttothematter.Istayedonthereinseclusionforafairwhile.Then,beforeIleft,ImentionedtothemonkstherethatI’dliketofindthreeBodhitreestoplantinfrontofthecave.

Afterwards,IreturnedtoLopburiandstayedatWatKhaoPhraNgaam(BeautifulBuddhaMountainMonastery).IhadarrivedthereintimeforMaghaPuja,andsoledagroupoflaypeoplefromBangkokandLopburiinathree-dayceremony.ItaughttheDhammatoacontingentofabout300soldiers,ledacandleprocessionaroundthegreatBuddhaimage,andthenweallsatinmeditation.Imadeavow:‘Concerningthefestivalcelebrating25centuriesof

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Buddhism:Idon’tknowwhy,butmymindseemstokeepdwellingonthematter.’Ithenvowedtodonatemylifeonthedayofthefullmoon—i.e.,togowithoutfood;andtodonatemyeyes—i.e.,togowithoutsleep.Butinspiteofmyefforts,nothinghappeneduntilitwasabouttogrowlight.

Atabout5a.m.Idozedoffforamomentanddreamed:Theearthopenedwidebeneathme,revealingascatteredheapofbrokenredbricksdeepunderground.Somethinginsidemesaid,‘ThisisaspotwhererelicsoftheBuddhawereonceenshrined,buttheshrineisnownothingbutarubbleofbricksunderground.Therefore,youwillhavetohelpbuildacheditoenshrinerelicsoftheBuddhaafterthefestivalcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhism.Otherwiseyouroldkarmawon’tbedonewith.’

Thiswasfollowedbyanotherdream:Once,inthedistantpast,theSanghawasplanninganimportantmeetinginIndia,butafterwehadallagreedtothedate,Ihadn’tjoinedinthemeeting.ThemeetingconcernedplansforacelebrationoftheBuddha’srelics.Itwastobeaveryimportantcelebration,butIdidn’tjoinin.Somyfriendsplacedapenaltyonme:‘InthefutureyouwillhavetogatherrelicsoftheBuddhaandenshrinetheminachediatoneplaceoranother,forthesakeofBuddhistsyettocome.’Withthisdreaminmind,mythoughtsaboutgoingaheadwiththefestivalcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismgrewmoreandmoreearnest.

Thenextday,inthedimlightbeforedawn,Imadeavow:‘Ifmyholdingthefestivalcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismwillbeasuccess,maythenumberofBuddha’srelicsIhavewithmereachatotalof80,equaltotheyearsoftheLordBuddha’slife.’(WhenImadethevowIhadjustover60relics.)WhenIfinishedmyvow,itwasdawn.AftermymealItookoutmypouchandcounted:exactly80.

ThefollowingnightIclimbedtositinmeditationatthebaseofthegreatBuddhaimageontheslopeofthemountain.Istayedupallnight,sittinginsamadhianddoingwalkingmeditationaroundtheimage.Isetoutatray,alongwithflowers,candles,andincense,andmadeavow:‘Ifthefestivalcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismistobeasuccess,maymoreoftheBuddha’srelicscome—fromanywhereatall.’Atdawn,abouttentinyrelicshadcome,mixedtogetherwithredgemstones.QuicklyIputthemintoacontainer.Ididn’ttellanyone,butthoughttomyselfthatthefestivalwouldprobablybeasuccess.

Thatyear—1956—IreturnedtospendtherainyseasonatWatAsokaram.AftertherainswereoverIreceivednewsthatthreeBodhitreeshadsproutedinfrontofPhraSabaiCaveinLampang.Atpresentthetreesarefourmeterstallandverystriking—growingoutofthejuttingrock.

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PLANSFORTHEFESTIVALcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismbecamemoreandmorefirmduringtherainyseasonatWatAsokaramin1956.UptothatpointIhadn’tdecidedwheretoholdthefestival,becauseitwasgoingtobealargeaffair,butafterlookingaroundIdecided,‘We’llhavetoholditrighthereatWatAsokaram.’

Thereweregoingtobetwocelebrations:theoneIwoulddoinconjunctionwithotherBuddhistsandtheoneIwoulddoonmyown.ThecelebrationheldinconjunctionwithotherBuddhistswouldsucceedononeofthreelevels,i.e.,low,moderate,orhigh.ThiswasathoughtIdidn’tmentiontoanyoneelse,simplyanobservationIkepttomyself.Whenthefestivalwasover,itturnedouttohavebeenonlyamoderatesuccess.Haditbeenahigh-levelsuccessIwouldhavebuiltaceremonialumbrellafortheBuddhaimageatKhaoPhraNgaam.

ThecelebrationIwoulddoallonmyown.Celebratingonmyownwouldbeverygood,butwouldn’tbeofanybenefittopeopleatlarge.Thissortofcelebrationcouldbedoneinoneofthreeways:

a)Thelowestlevel:Escapefromhumanityandhideawayintheforestsandwildsforthreeyearsbeforereturningtobeinvolvedwithpeopleagain.

b)Themoderatelevel:Godeepintotheforestaloneandmeditateinearnestforthreemonthswithnoworriesorresponsibilities.

c)Thehighestlevel:Tiearedclotharoundmyneckforsevendays.Inotherwords,withinsevendaysIwouldtrytodogoodinoneoftwoways:(1)attainalloftheeightcognitiveskills(vijja)touseastoolsinmyworkofspreadingtheBuddha’steachings.(2)IfIcan’tsucceedat(1),mayIgoallthewayontheseventhday,atthesametimerelinquishingmylifewithnohopeofreturn.OnlyinthiswaywouldIhavedonewiththekarmaIdreamedabouthavingmadewithmyfriendsinthepast.

Bytheendof1956thetimeforthefestivalwasdrawingnear,butIhadalreadymadesomeadvancepreparations,suchasproducingthe‘Bodhileaf’BuddhaamuletscopiedfromanimageIhadseeninBenareswhenIwastravelingthroughIndia.Ihadmaterialsgatheredfromscoresofplaces:earthfromtheBuddhistholyplacesinIndia;fragmentsofvotivetabletsoncecachedawayinoldchedis,donatedbyfriendsandfollowersfromvariousprovinces—Lopburi,Phitsanuloke,Phijit,Sukhothai,Suphanburi,Ayutthaya,Phetchabun,Songkhla,UbonRatchathani,ThaadPhanomdistrict,andBangkok.IhadfragmentsofancientBuddhaimagesfromPrajinburiandancientlustralwatermadebywisemeninthepast.TheseImixedintoapastealongwithpowdereddriedflowersandashesofburntpaperonwhichDhammapassageshadbeenwritten.

Usingthispastewecasttwotypesofimagesby(1)pressingthepasteintoa

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mouldandthenallowingittodry;(2)mixingthepastewithclay,pressingitintoamould,andbakingitinakiln.Ithoughttomyself,‘We’regoingtohavetoproduceatleastonemillionimages.’Whenwewerefinishedattheendoftherainsin1956,wecountedtoseehowmanywehad.Altogetherthereweremorethan1,100,000.

Lateonenightwhenitwasquiet,astrangevisionappearedtome.IwassittingpressingBuddhaimagesfromamouldwhenarelicoftheBuddhacameanddisplayedasignovermybed.ItwassimilartotheBodhileafimageIwasmaking,buttheimageIwasmakingrepresentedtheBuddhadeliveringtheDhammacakkasermon—i.e.,withbothhandsraised.Butinthevision,theBuddhahadbothhandsinhislap.Ihadanewmouldmadepatternedafterthevisionandnameditthe‘Bodhicakka.’Istillhavethisrelicwithmeandhaven’tyetenshrinedit.Later,anotherrelictheshapeofaBuddhaimagesittinginmeditationcameaswell.ThisIalsostillhavewithme.

Anothertime,whenIhadbeensittinginmeditationatLopburiinthequietjustbeforedawn,anotherBuddharelichadappeared;andataround5a.m.astatuetteofKingAsokamadeofdark,pinkishgreycutglasscamefallingdowninfrontofme,soIsketchedacopyofit.This,too,Istillhavewithme.

Afteranumberofstrangeeventslikethishadoccurred,Icalledtogetherthemonkswhoweremyclosestdisciplesandannounced,‘We’regoingtohavetoholdthefestivalcelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismrighthereinWatAsokaram.’Icametothisfinaldecisionrightthen,duringthemiddleoftherains,1956.

OnceIhadmademydecision,Icheckedtoseehowmuchmoneywasinmyaccount.Thereturnedouttobealittlemorethan200baht.Nevertheless,Imadeorderstobeginconstruction:puttinguptemporaryshelters,makingceremonialumbrellas,etc.Assoonaswesettowork,contributionsstartedcomingin.Whenwehadfinishedtwoshelters,ourmoneyranout.Atthetime,IhadgonetoChanthaburi.WhenIreturnedtoWatAsokaram,PoliceColonelLuangWiradedKamhaengcametoinformme,‘We’realmostalloutofmoney,ThanPhaw.Wherearewegoingtogetmore?’

Ilaidoutthefollowingplansforthefestival:‘I.PurposesoftheFestival:A.1.Tomake912,500Buddhaimages(equaltothenumberofdaysin

2,500years)andthenraisethenumberto1,000,000,eachoneinchtallandmadeofeitherstuccoorbakedclay,tobedistributedfreeofchargetoallpeoplewhocomeandjoininthefestival.Whateverimagesareleftoverwillbeburiedinthefoundationsofthecheditobebuilt.

2.TomakefivelargeimagesrepresentingtheBuddhaatthemomentof

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hisawakening,deliveringthefirstsermon(theDhammacakka),deliveringthefinalsermonbeforetotallyenteringnibbana,totallyenteringnibbana,andsittinginmeditation.(Thislastistobethemajorimageintheordinationhall.)

3.Tomakesmallimages,500eachofsilver,gold,andgoldbronze,eachweighingaboutfourgrams,tobeplacedinthechediasagifttoourdescendants.

B.TofinanceacompletesetoftheBuddhistCanon—Suttas,Vinaya,andAbhidhamma—translatedintoThai.

C.Toordain80monks,80novices,80upasakas(laymenwearingwhiteandobservingtheeightprecepts),and80nuns(laywomenwearingwhiteandobservingtheeightprecepts).Iflargernumbersofpeopleareordained,somuchthebetter.Eachpersonistobeordainedforatleastsevendays.OrdinationceremonieswillbeheldfromMay12toMay20,1957.Whoeverdesirestobeordainedshouldgivethefollowinginformationtotheordinationcommittee:name,address,age,dateofbirth,andwhetherornotyouwillbeabletosupplyyourownrequisites.Thecommitteewillarrangetofindrequisitesforallthoseunabletosupplytheirown.Whoeverwouldliketosponsoranordinationofanykindiswelcometoinformthecommittee.Thecostofrequisitesisasfollows:forupasakasandnuns,100baht;fornovices,150baht;formonks,300baht.ThosewishingtobeordainedmayapplyattheWatfromnowuntilApril15,1957.

D.Whenthefestivalisover,therewillbeonefurtheraim:tobuildachediasamementoofourhavingparticipatedinthisimportantanniversary,andtoenshrinerelicsoftheBuddha,Buddhaimages,copiesofthescriptures,andotherobjectsrelatedtoBuddhism.Thischediwillbeaclusterofthirteenspiresbuiltonthreelevels,fourspirestoeachlevel,withacentralspireontheuppermostlevel.Thecentralspirewillbethelargest—6meterssquareand26meterstall.Thesurroundingspireswillbesmaller.Thelayingofthefoundationsforthechediwillbeginbeforethefestival.ThelocationwillbeatWatAsokaram,SamutPrakaan,whichisplannedtobeacenterforinstructioninthepracticeofmeditationformonks,novices,laymen,andlaywomenintheyearstocome.

II.Merit-makingceremoniestobeheldduringtheFestival:A.Monkswillchantimageconsecrationchants,eightmonksaday,for

sevendays.Monkswillsitinsamadhi,presidingovertheconsecrationofsacredobjects,eightmonksadayforsevendays.

C.FivesermonsrelatingthehistoryoftheBuddhistCouncilswillbedelivered,onesermonperday.Thepassagesinresponsetoeachsermon

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willbechantedby40monks.Thiswillbetodedicatemerittorelativesandancestorswhohavepassedaway.

D.Foodwillbedonatedtothe500monksandnovicesinvitedtoparticipateinthefirstsevendaysofthefestival.Afterwards,foodwillcontinuetobedonatedtomonksandnovicesuntilthetwoweeksofthefestivalareover.Thesecondweekapproximately300monksandnoviceswillbefedeachday.

E.Duringthefirstsevendaystherewillbeacandlelightprocessionincelebrationeachnight.

F.OnVisakhaPuja—May13,1957—aceremonywillbeheldtoenshrineobjectsinthefoundationsofthechedi.

G.Mahayanaserviceswillalsobeheld,i.e.,threedaysofkongtek(merit-makingservicesforthedead)andsermonsinlinewithMahayanistbeliefs.

Therewillalsobeothermerit-makingceremoniesinadditiontothoselistedhere.

Inaddition,temporarysheltersformonksandnovices,aswellassheltersforlaymenandlaywomen,willbebuilt,alongwithakitchentobeusedforthedurationofthefestival.’AfterIhadwrittendowntheaboveprogram,wesettoworkimplementing

theplansstep-by-step.Ishowedtheplanstoanumberofmyfollowers.Theywouldallshaketheirheadsandsay,‘ThanPhaw,whereareyougoingtogetthemoneyforabigaffairlikethis?’ButIwouldthinktomyself,‘We’regoingtodogood.Good-heartedpeoplearesuretocomeandhelp.Wewon’thavetogocanvassingforfunds.’

WhenIhadreturnedfromChanthaburiandthedateforthefestivalwasapproaching,astreamofpeoplestartedcomingtohelpcontributemoney.Altogetherwereceivedalmost100,000baht.Oneperson,Dr.YutSaeng-uthai,wasafraidthatwewouldn’tbeabletocarryoutourplans,andsowentonhisowntoaskforhelpfromthegovernment.HegottotalkwiththeMinisterofCulturalAffairs,GeneralLuangSawat,whoatthetimewasn’tacquaintedwithme,butwhowaskindenoughtosay,‘Ifyouneedmoney,I’llmakethearrangements.’KhunYingWaadLekhawanit-Dhammawithakcametotellmeaboutthis.Myresponse:‘Wedon’tneedthemoney.’

Constructionworkcontinuedandcontributionskeptcominginwithoutoureverissuinganyrequestsforfunds.Allwedidwasprintupflyerstoletmyfollowersknowoftheplansandscheduleforthefestival.

Preparationswithinthemonasterywerevirtuallycomplete.SuniChangkhamanon,SawnAchakun,ThawngsukandMaeKimhongKraikaantook

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responsibilityforbuildingthesalainwhichthefestivalwastoheheld.Seeingthatitwouldn’tbelargeenough,weaddedthatchedroofsonallfoursides,whichColonelLuangWiradedtogetherwiththemonksandnoviceshelpedbuild.Inadditionwebuiltatemporarykitchenandalargenumberoftemporaryshelters.Thekitchenwasalittleover30meterslong,6meterswide,androofedwiththatch.Therewerefivesheltersformonksandnovices,fiveeachforlaymenandlaywomen,eachshelter80meterslongand10meterswidewiththatchedroofsandwalls.Constructionoftheshelterscostmorethan100,000baht;thefestivalsala,165,000baht;repairoftheroadsaroundthemonastery—financedbyKhunYingWaad—60,000baht.Totalconstructioncoststhuscametomorethan300,000baht,andtherewereagreatmanyotherthingswehadtopurchaseforthefestivalaswell.Ourmoneykeptrunningout,butatthesametimecontributionskeptcomingin.*

BYAPRIL,preparationswereinfullswing.Alargenumberofmonks,novices,andlaypeoplebegangatheringfromtheoutlyingprovinces.Thenumbersofpeopleapplyingforordination—bothmenandwomen—keptswellinguntiltheywerewelloverthegoalswehadoriginallyset.

OnMay11,1957,webegantheordinationceremonies.Toordainthemonks,weinvitedanumberofpreceptors:SomdetMahawirawong(Juan),WatMakutKasatriyaram;PhraPhrommuni,WatBovornives;PhraSasanasophon,WatRajadhivasa;PhraDhammatilok,WatBoromnivasa;PhraDhammapitok,WatPhraSriMahadhatu;andPhraNyanarakkhit,WatBoromnivasa.Inaddition,wehadpreceptorswhowereoldfriendsordisciplesofmine.Theordinationceremoniesturnedouttobealarge-scaleaffair,soIturnedthewholeprogramovertoAjaanDaeng,whotrainedthenewmonks-to-bethroughoutthefestivalandwhoalsoactedaspreceptor.Inaddition,PhraKhruWiriyangfromChanthaburiandAjaanSilaofSakonNakhornhelpedactaspreceptors,preparingthemonks-to-beandarrangingtheirrequisitesuntiltheendofthefestival.

Allinall,somanypeoplecametohelpfinanciallywiththeordinationceremoniesthatwedidn’thavetospendanyofthemonasteryfundssetasideforthepurpose—tothepointwhereweranoutofmonks-to-beforthemtosponsor.Wehadtoannounceovertheloudspeakerthatwecouldnolongeracceptcontributionsfromthosevolunteeringtosponsorordinations.

Sponsorsfortheordinationceremoniescontributedaltogether138,000baht.Theordinationslastedfromthe11thtothe29thofMay,andthenumberofpeopleordainedineachcategorywasasfollows:637monks,144novices,1,240nuns,340‘Brahmanis’(womenwearingwhite,observingtheeightprecepts,butnotshavingtheirheads),34upasakas(menwearingwhite,shavingtheirheads

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andobservingtheeightprecepts),and12‘Brahmans’(menwearingwhite,observingtheeightprecepts,butnotshavingtheirheads).Altogether,2,407wereordained.

Thedailyschedulethroughoutthefestivalranasfollows:‘Morning:Afterthemeal,1)chantinginhomagetotherelicsoftheBuddha;2)chantingofblessings;3)sittinginmeditation.Afternoon:1)chantinginhomagetotheBuddha’srelics;2)chantingincelebration;3)sittinginmeditationorasermon.4:00Rest.5:00Gatheringatthesala;chantinginhomagetotheBuddha’srelics;candlelightprocession;consecrationchants;chantingincelebration;sittinginmeditationuntilmidnight.Thisscheduleistobefolloweduntiltheendofthefestival.’

DURINGTHECOURSEofthefestivalthethoughtoccurredtomethatweshoulddonateaphaapaatotheTempleoftheEmeraldBuddha,tocompensateforoneofmyplansthathadfallenthrough.InthebeginningIhadthoughtofsettingupacentralfundfortheThaiSangha,andsohadpreparedaproposalthatIsubmittedtoSomdetPhraMahawirawong(Juan)ofWatMakut.ThegistoftheproposalwasthatwewouldrequesteverytitledmonkinThailandtovoluntarilyrelinquishhismonthlystipendforonemonthtoformacentralfundfortheThaiSanghaasamementoofourhavingcelebrated25centuriesofBuddhism.Imyselfwouldgatheradditionalcontributionstoaddtothefund.IaskedtheSomdettotakethismattertotheexecutivecounciloftheSanghatoseewhetherornottheywouldapproveit.

IwasreallypleasedbytheSomdet’simmediateresponse:‘I’llgladlydonatemyentiremonthlystipend.Ifthere’sanythingelseyouneedforthefestival,I’llbegladtohelp.’

‘That’sthespirit!’Ithoughttomyself.TheSomdetultimatelygavehisapprovaltotheproposalandsopresenteditto

theexecutivecouncil.Later,though,Ilearnedthatthisandthatmemberofthecouncilhadraisedobjections,andsoitfellthrough.

Inthatcase,Idecided,we’ddobettertodonateaphaapaatotheEmeraldBuddha.IcontactedH.H.PrincessPradisathasari,askinghertoactassponsorfor16phaapaas,oneofwhichwouldgototheEmeraldBuddha.Shesaidshewouldbegladtohelp.Shegaveuseveryformofassistance,havingnotonlymembersofherhouseholdbutalsoothernobility—includingmembersofthePrivyCouncil—helpgiveafull-scalewelcometothephaapaas.

Sowegatheredtogethermorethan30,000bahtinfunds,fromwhichwegavealittleover300bahttoeachofthe15phaapaas.Theremainder—24,122.30baht—wedonatedtotheEmeraldBuddhatosetupanendowmentfundentitled,The2500AnniversaryFund,donatedbyfollowersofAjaanLee,WatAsokaram.The

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interestfromthefundwastohelpwiththeupkeepoftheTempleoftheEmeraldBuddha.Afterwardswegatheredadditionalcontributionsthatweaddedtothefund,bringingthetotalendowmenttomorethan50,000baht.

OnMay20thwebeganthefestiveprocession,carryingBuddhaimages,relicsoftheBuddha,andthe16phaapaasfromWatAsokaramtotheTempleoftheEmeraldBuddha.H.H.PrincessPradisathasarihadgivenordersforofficialsfromtheRoyalHouseholdtowelcomeus.Aftertheprocessioncircumambulatedtheordinationhallthreetimes,thePrincessandmembersofthePrivyCouncilarrivedtoacceptthephaapaas.Shehadgivenordersfortheroyalkitchenstopreparefoodtobepresentedtothe15seniormonksinvitedtoreceivethephaapaas.MostofthemonkswerefromtemplesthathadinthepastbeenunderthesponsorshipofRamaIV.Afterpresentingthemonkswiththeirmid-daymeal,thePrincesspresentedthemwiththe15phaapaas.

Withtheceremoniesover,weledtheprocessionfromtheTempleoftheEmeraldBuddhatoWatPhraSriMahadhatuinBangKhendistrictinordertoreceivesaplingsfromtheGreatBodhitreeinIndia,whichwehadrequestedandbeengrantedbythegovernment.ArrivingatWatPhraSriMahadhatu,weconductedtheceremoniesforreceivingthetwosaplingsandcarriedtheminaprocessionthreetimesaroundtheordinationhall.ThenweledtheprocessiontotheBuddharaksaGardensinBangBuaThawng(GoldLotusTown),Nonthaburi,whereweheldaone-nightcelebrationinhonoroftherelicsoftheBuddhaandtheBodhitrees.

Thefollowingmorning,May21st,afterourmeal,wetooktheBuddhaimages,relicsoftheBuddha,andBodhitreesinaboatprocessionfromGoldLotusTowndownalongtheChaoPhrayaRivertothelandingattheProvincialOfficesinSamutPrakaan.ThereweweregivenarousingwelcomebyacontingentfromWatAsokaram,alongwiththeprovincialgovernor,civilservants,andotherBuddhists.

OurprocessionthenwentfromtheProvincialOfficesbacktoWatAsokaram,arrivingintheafternoontoawelcomingcontingentheadedbyChaoKhunAmornmuni,ecclesiasticalheadofChanthaburiprovince.Wecircumambulatedthesalathreetimesandthenenteredtheareawheretheimageconsecrationserviceswerebeingheld.AfterpayinghomagetotheBuddhaimages,relicsoftheBuddha,Bodhitrees,andchedis,westoppedforashortrest.At6p.m.werangthebellandmetinthesalaforchantsincelebration,consecrationchants,andacandlelightprocession.Hugenumbersofpeoplecametojoininthecelebration.

Thefollowingmorning,May22,weheldceremoniesforplantingfourBodhitreesatWatAsokaram—thetwowehadreceivedfromWatPhraSriMahadhatuplustwofromIndia.Sincethen,myfollowershavereturnedfromIndiawithtwomoreBodhitreesthattheydonatedtotheWat.Atthemomentthereare

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altogethersixdescendantsoftheGreatBodhitreegrowinginWatAsokaram.

THEFESTIVALCONTINUED.Oneday,fundsstartedrunningout,andsothefestivalcommitteemetforconsultation.NangKimrienKingthienandKhunNaiTunKosalyawitpreparedaletteraskingforhelpfromthegovernment.Theybroughttheletterandreaditaloudtome.ThegistofitwasthattheyweregoingtoaskthePrimeMinister,FieldMarshalPawPhibunsongkhram,tohelpdonate50,000baht.Beforetheyhadevenfinishedreadingtheletter,Itoldthemtothrowitintothefirerightthenandthere.‘Ifthereisn’tenoughtoeatinthisfestival,’Itoldthem,‘I’mwillingtostarve.’Asitturnedout,themoneykeptcominginandourfundsneverranout.

Peoplecametoprovidefoodforthemonksatthefestival—sometimesthreedaysatatime,sometimesseven.SomebroughtThaifood;others,Chinesefood.Theimageconsecrationceremonieslastedfor15days,withMajorGeneralPhongPunnakan,ChiefoftheArmyTransportationBureau,actingassponsorthroughoutthefestival.KhunYingWaadLekhawanit-DhammawithakarrangedtransportationandgiftsforthetenChinesemonkswhocametochantthreedays,andprovidedfoodfor355monkssevendaysrunning.ThereweretwoMahayanasermons,andkongtekservicesforthreenights.Therewasalsoaloikrathongceremonyandaraffle.KhunNaiThawngsukChumpairoadprovidedfoodfor300monksforsevendays.Inaddition,anumberofChinesepeoplecameandhelpedprovidevegetarianfoodforseveraldays.Peoplecametosponsor,altogether,elevenre-enactmentsoftheBuddhistCouncilsandmadedonationstotalling5,000bahtateachre-enactment.

Ontopofallthis,peoplecametodonatecups,platesandsaucers,rice,firewood,charcoal—everything—tothefestivalkitchen.Forthemostpart,thekitchendidn’thavetobuymuch.Mostthingswereprovidedbydonors.Asaresult,thekitchenspentnomorethan5,000bahtforfoodeachday.Myfollowersallhelpedtothefullextentoftheirabilities.

IntheareaofmedicalcarewereceivedhelpfromGeneralThanawmUpathamphanon,ChiefArmyMedicalOfficer,andhiswife,KhunYingSutjai,whosentdoctorsandorderliesthroughoutthefestivaltoprovidemedicaltreatmentforthosewhoneededit.Andasforsecurity,PoliceColonelSudsa-nguanTansathit,headofthePolicePublicSafetyDepartment,senttrafficpoliceandafiretrucktohelpthroughoutthefestival.

Timepassedandeverythingwentwell.Moneybecamelessandlessofaproblem,thedailyscheduleproceededaccordingtoplan,theordinationceremoniescontinuedeveryday,andtheweathercooperatedthroughout.Therewerenountowardincidents,asidefromafewminoroccurrencesnotworth

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mentioning.OnMay13,VisakhaPuja,anumberofsponsorshadfourBuddhaimagescast,

eachimage80cm.acrossatthebase.KhunYingWaadsponsoredtwoimages;PhrayaLekhawanit-Dhammawithak,one;andColonelLuangWiradedKamhaengandhiswife,KhunNaiNoi,one—atacostof6,790bahtperimage.NaiKuanghangSaeHia,alongwithhiswifeandchildren,donatedafifthimagethattheyhadhadcastonMaghaPujaatacostof34,000baht,includingthecelebrationcosts.TheWatdidn’thavetospendanymoneyforthecastingoftheseimages.Thesponsorscoveredallcosts,whichforthefiveimagestotalled61,160baht.

Asfortheentertainmentofferedduringthefestival,hardlyanyonepaidanyattentiontoitbecausemostofthepeoplehadcometoparticipateinthereligiousactivities.AgroupofmyChinesefollowersbroughtaChineseoperacompanytoperformthreenights.WariChayakunfromHaadYaibroughtaManoradance-dramacompanyandashadowpuppetcompanytoperformthroughoutthefestival,twomoviescreensweresetup,andamawlamsinginggroupfromtheNortheastcametoperformonenightandthenhadtoclosedownfromlackofinterest.Noneoftheseactivitiescostusanythingbecausegroupsofmyfollowershadsponsoredthemontheirowninitiative.

Wecontinuedtocelebrateinthisway,withchanting,candlelightprocessions,meditationsessions,andsermons.Weinvitedanumberofhigh-rankingecclesiasticalofficials,suchasSomdetMahawirawongofWatMakutandPhraSasanasophon,todeliveronesermonapiece.Inaddition,wehadsermonsofourown,someofwhichIdelivered,andsomebyAjaanTyy.TheseactivitiescontinueduntilMay29,1957.

Attheendofthefestivalouraccountsreadasfollows:

Totalincome: 840,340.49bahtTotalexpenditures: 533,326.75bahtAssetsremaining: 307,013.74baht

Allofthiswasmoneythatpeoplehaddonatedontheirowninitiative.Inadditionwealsoreceivednon-liquidassets—suchasordinationsponsorswhoarrangedrequisitesontheirown—whichwerehandledbythefinancecommittee.There-enactmentsoftheBuddhistcouncils,fooddonatedtothemonks,giftsforthemonkswhochanted,thecastingoftheBuddhaimages,theconstructionofthesala,therepairoftheroadleadingtotheWat,theMahayanaservices:Allofthesecameintheformofnon-liquidassetsthat,altogether,weestimatedroughlyatmorethan300,000baht.

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Allinall,themonksandlaypeoplewhojoinedinthefestivalcamefrom45provinces.

ThustheFestivalCelebrating25CenturiesofBuddhismintheyearB.E.2500cametoaclose.

Afterwards,rightbeforetherains,anothersponsor—NaiThanabuunKimanon,alongwithhiswifeandchildren—hadanotherBuddhaimagecastanddonatedtotheWattocelebratetheyearB.E.2500,atacostof75,000baht.Theimagewasmorethantwometersacrossatthebase.Theyalsobuiltadaisforitandconductedcelebrationceremoniesthat,addedtothecostoftheimage,totalledmorethan150,000baht.

Anumberofthemonks,novices,andnunsordainedduringthefestivalstayedonfortherains,continuingtopracticetheDhammatogether.Attheendoftherainsmanyofthemreturnedhome,althoughanumberofthemarestillcurrentlyordained.Asformyself,whentherainswereover,Iwenttovisitmanyoftheplaceswheretherewerefriendsandfollowerswhohadcometoparticipateinthefestival.

LaterIwenttoLampang,inhopesofbuildingachediatPhraSabaiCave.(ThiswaswhenIfirstsawthethreeBodhitreesthathadsprungupthere,anditmademeveryglad.Theyaretalltreesnow.)ChaoMaeSukoftheLampangRoyalHouse,alongwithKhunNaiKimrienKingthien,MaeLiengtaoJanwiroad,andacontingentoflaymenandlaywomenjoinedtogetherwithagroupofmyfollowers—bothlaypeopleandmonks—tocompletethechedi.WethenenshrinedrelicsoftheBuddhathereinthecaveandbroughtanIndianBodhitreetoplantatthecave’sentrance.

FromthereIwentontoChiengMai,Uttaradit,Phitsanuloke,NakhornSawan,andLopburi.

I MAKEITAPRACTICEtowanderaboutduringthedryseasoneveryyear.IdothisbecauseIfeelthatamonkwhostaysputinonemonasteryislikeatrainsittingstillatHuaLampongstation—andeveryoneknowstheworthofatrainsittingstill.Sothere’snowayIcouldstayinoneplace.I’llhavetokeeponthemoveallofmylife,aslongasI’mstillordained.

Someofmycompanionshavecriticizedmeforbeingthisway,andothershavepraisedme,butImyselffeelthatitbringsnothingbutgood.I’velearnedabouttheland,events,customs,andreligiouspracticesindifferentareas.InsomeplacesitmaybethatI’mmoreignorantthanthepeoplethere;inotherplacesandwithothergroups,itmightbethatIknowmorethanthey,sothere’snowayIcanlosebytravelingabout.EvenifIjustsitstillintheforest,Igainbyit.WhereverIfindthepeopleknowlessthanIdo,Icanbetheirteacher.In

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whatevergroupsIfindthatIknowlessthantheydo,I’mwillingtobetheirstudent.EitherwayIprofit.

Atthesametime,livingintheforestasIliketodohasgivenmealottothinkabout.1)ItwasacustomoftheBuddha.Hewasbornintheforest,attainedawakeningintheforest,andtotallyenterednibbanaintheforest—andyethowwasheatthesametimeabletobringhisvirtuesrightintothemiddleofgreatcities,aswhenhespreadhisreligiousworktoincludeKingBimbisaraofRajagaha?

2)AsIseeit,it’sbettertoevadethantofight.AslongasI’mnotsuperhuman,aslongasmyskincan’twardoffknives,bullets,andspears,I’dbetternotliveinthecentersofhumansociety.ThisiswhyIfeelit’sbettertoevadethantofight.

Peoplewhoknowhowtoevadehaveasaying:‘Toevadeiswings;toavoidisatail.’Thismeans:Atinychick,freshoutoftheegg,ifitknowshowtoevade,won’tdie.Itwillhaveachancetogrowfeathersandwings,andbeabletosurviveonitsowninthefuture.‘Toavoidisatail:’Thisrefersthetail(rudder)ofaboat.Ifthepersonholdingtherudderknowshowtosteer,he’llbeabletoavoidstumpsandsandbars.Fortheboattoavoidrunningagrounddependsontherudder.BecausethisisthewayIseethings,Ipreferlivingintheforest.

3)I’vecometoconsidertheprinciplesofnature:It’saquietplace,whereyoucanobservetheinfluencesoftheenvironment.Wildanimals,forexample,sleepdifferentlyfromdomesticatedanimals.Thiscanbeagoodlesson.Ortakethewildrooster:Itseyesarequick,itstailfeatherssparse,itswingsstrong,anditscallshort.Itcanrunfastandflyfar.Whatdothesecharacteristicscomefrom?I’vemadethisalessonformyself.Domesticatedroostersandwildroosterscomefromthesamespecies,butthedomesticatedrooster’swingsareweak,itscalllong,itstailfeatherslushandungainly,itsbehaviordifferentfromthatofthewildrooster.Thewildroosteristhewayitisbecauseitcan’taffordtoletdownitsguard.Italwayshastobeonthealertbecausedangerisever-presentintheforest.Ifthewildroosterwentaroundactinglikeadomesticrooster,thecobrasandmongooseswouldmakeamealofitinnotime.Sowheniteats,sleeps,opensandclosesitseyes,thewildroosterhastobestrongandresilientinordertostayalive.

Soitiswithus.Ifwespendallourtimewallowingaroundincompanionship,we’relikeaknifeorahoestuckdownintothedirt:It’llrusteasily.Butifit’sconstantlysharpenedonastoneorafile,rustwon’thaveachancetotakehold.Thusweshouldlearntobealwaysonthealert.ThisiswhyIliketostayintheforest.Ibenefitfromitandlearnmanylessons.

4)I’velearnedtoreflectontheteachingsthattheBuddhataughtfirsttoeachnewly-ordainedmonk.They’reverythought-provoking.HetaughttheDhamma

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first,andthentheVinaya.He’dbeginwiththevirtuesoftheBuddha,Dhamma,andSangha,followedbythefivebasicobjectsofmeditation:hairofthehead,hairofthebody,nails,teeth,andskin.Thenhe’dgiveasermonwithfourmajorpoints:

a)Makeapracticeofgoingoutforalms.Beanasker,butnotabeggar.Becontentwithwhateveryouaregiven.

b)Liveinaquietplace,suchasanabandonedhouse,underaprojectingcliffface,inacave.PeoplehaveaskediftheBuddhahadanyreasonsforthisteaching,butI’vealwaysbeenconvincedthatiftherewerenobenefitstobegainedfromtheseplaces,hewouldn’thaverecommendedthem.Still,Iwonderedwhatthebenefitswere,whichiswhyI’vetakenaninterestinthismatter.

c)TheBuddhataughtmonkstomakerobesfromcloththathadbeenthrownaway—eventothepointofwearingrobesmadefromtheclothusedtowrapacorpse.Thisteachingmademereflectondeath.Whatbenefitscouldcomefromwearingtheclothusedtowrapacorpse?Forasimpleanswer,thinkforamomentaboutacorpse’sthings:Theydon’tappealtoanyone.Noonewantsthem—andsotheyholdnodangers.Inthispointit’seasyenoughtoseethattheBuddhataughtusnottotakeprideinourpossessions.

d)TheBuddhataughtthatweshouldusemedicinesnearathand,suchasmedicinalplantspickledinurine.

TheseteachingsoftheBuddha,whenIfirstheardthem,sparkedmycuriosity.WhetherornotIwouldbenefitfromfollowingthem,therewasonethingIwassureof:thattheBuddhawasnotthesortofpersonwhowouldholdblindlytoanything,andthathewouldneverteachanythingwithoutgoodreason.SoevenifIwasn’ttotallyconvincedofhisteachings,Ishouldatleastrespectthem.OrifIdidn’tyethaveconfidenceinmyteacher’sability,IowedittohimandtothetraditionsoftheSanghatogivehisteachingsatry.

IwasremindedofthewordsofMahaKassapa,whoaskedtobeallowedtofollowsuchasceticpracticesaslivingintheforest,eatingonemealaday(goingoutforalms),andwearingrobesmadefromthrown-awayragsallofhislife.TheBuddhaquestionedhim:‘You’vealreadyeradicatedyourdefilements.Whatisthereleftforyoutostrivefor?’

MahaKassapaanswered,‘Iwanttoobservethesepractices,notformyownsake,butforthesakeofthoseyettocome.IfIdon’tfollowthesepractices,whowilltheybeabletotakeasanexample?Ifapersonteachesbyexample,thestudentswilllearneasily,justaswhenapersonteachesstudentshowtoread:Ifhehaspicturestogoalongwiththetext,thestudentswilllearnmuchmorequickly.Myobservingthesepracticesisthesamesortofthing.’

WhenIthoughtofthesewords,IfeltsympathyforMahaKassapa,subjecting

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himselftoallsortsofhardships.Ifyouweretoputitinworldlyterms,youcouldsaythathewasalreadyamultimillionaire,deservingasoftbedandfinefood,butinsteadhesleptandateontheground,andhadonlycoarsefoodtoeat.Thinkingofhisexample,I’dbeashamedtolookfornothingmorethancreaturecomforts.AsforMahaKassapa,hecouldhaveeatenfinefoodandlivedinabeautifulhomewithnodangerofhisheart’sbeingdefiled.But—andit’snotsurprising—hewasmoreconcernedwithbenefitingthosewhocameafter.

AllofthesethingshavegivenmefoodforthoughteversinceIwasfirstordained.

Speakingoflivingintheforest,I’velearnedalotofunusuallessonsthere.SometimesI’veseendeathcloseathandandhavelearnedalotoflessons—sometimesfromseeingthebehaviorofanimals,sometimesfromtalkingtopeoplewholivethere.

Oncetherewasanoldmanwhotoldmeofthetimehehadgonewithhiswifetotaptreesapdeepinalargeforest.Theyhappenedtorunintoabear,andafightensued.Thewifewasabletogetupatreeintimeandthencalleddowntoherhusband,‘Ifyoucan’tfightitoff,liedownandplaydead.Don’tmakeamove.’

Whenherhusbandheardthis,hecametohissensesandsofellbackontheground,lyingabsolutelystill.Seeingthis,thebearclimbedupastridehimbutthenletgoofhimandsimplystoodlookingathim.Theoldmanlaythereonhisback,meditatingontheword,‘buddho,buddho,’andthinking,‘I’mnotgoingtodie.I’mnotgoingtodie.’Thebearpulledathislegsandthenathishead,andthenuseditsnuzzletopushhimleftandright.Theoldmankepthisjointslooseanddidn’treactinanyway.Afterthebearhaddecidedthatthemanwasdead,itleft.Amomentorsolaterthemangotupandwalkedhomewithhiswife.Hisheadwasallbatteredandbloody,buthehadn’tdied.

Whenhehadfinishedtellingmethestory,headded,‘That’sthewayforestanimalshavetobe.Ifyoucan’tfight,youhavetoplaydead.’

Hearingthis,thethoughtoccurredtome,‘Nooneisinterestedinadeadperson.BecauseIliveintheforest,Ishouldplaydead.Whoeverpraisesmeorattacksme,I’llhavetobestill—quietinthought,word,anddeed—ifIwanttosurvive.’ThiscanalsobeagoodreminderinthewayoftheDhamma:Tofreeyourselffromdeath,youhavetoplaydead.Thisisagoodlessoninmaranassati,keepingdeathinmind.

Anothertime,earlyonemorningwhenIwasstayinginthemiddleofalargeforest,Itookmyfollowersoutforalms.Asweweregoingthroughtheforest,Iheardamotherchickencry,‘Kataak!Kataak!’Becauseshedidn’tflyaway,IfiguredsheprobablyhadsomebabychickssoIsenttheboystorunandlook.

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Thisfrightenedthechickenandsheflewawayoverthetrees.Theboyssawalotofbabychicksrunningaround,butbeforetheycouldcatchthem,thechicksscurriedintoalargepileoffallenleaves.Theretheyhidthemselvesandlayabsolutelystill.Theboystookastickandstirredaroundintheleaves,butthechicksdidn’tmove.Theydidn’tevenmakeapeep.Althoughtheboyskeptlookingforawhile,theycouldn’tfindevenasinglechick.Iknewthatthechickshadn’tgoneanywhere.Theyhadjustpretendedtobefallenleaves.Soasitturnedout,ofallthoselittletinychicks,wecouldn’tcatchaone.

Thinkingaboutthis,Iwasstruckbytheirinstinctsforself-preservation,andhowclevertheywere:Theysimplykeptthemselvesquietinapileoffallenleaves.AndsoImadeacomparisonformyself:‘Whenyou’reinthewilds,thenifyoucankeepyourmindstilllikethebabychicks,you’resuretobesafeandtofreeyourselffromdying.’Thiswasanothergoodlesson.

Inadditiontotheanimals,thereareotheraspectsofnature—suchastreesandvines—thatcansetyouthinking.Takevines,forinstance.Therearesomethatdon’tturninanydirectionbutright.Observingthis,I’vemadeitalessonformyself.‘Ifyou’regoingtotakeyourmindtothehighestgood,you’llhavetoactlikethevines:i.e.,alwaystotheright,fortheBuddhataught,“Kaya-kammam,vaca-kammam,mano-kammampadakkhinam”—goingtotherightinthought,word,anddeed.You’llalwayshavetogoright—bykeepingyourselfabovethedefilementsthatflareupandconsumetheheart.Otherwiseyou’llbenomatchevenforavine.’

Somekindsoftreesmakethemselvesquietinwayswecansee:Wesaythatthey‘sleep.’Atnight,theyfolduptheirleaves.Ifyougolieunderthem,you’llhaveaclearviewofthestarsinthenighttimesky.Butwhendaycomes,they’llspreadouttheirleavesandgiveadenseshade.Thisisagoodlessonforthemind:Whenyousitinmeditation,closeonlyyoureyes.Keepyourmindbrightandalert,likeatreethatclosesitsleavesandthusdoesn’tobstructourviewofthestars.

Whenyoucanthinkinthisway,youseethevalueoflivingintheforest.Themindbecomesconfident.Dhammathatyouhavestudied—oreventhatyouhaven’t—willmakeitselfclearbecausenatureistheteacher.It’slikethesciencesoftheworld,whicheverycountryhasusedtodevelopamazingpowers.Noneoftheirinventionsordiscoveriescameoutofatextbook.Theycamebecausescientistsstudiedtheprinciplesofnature,allofwhichappearrighthereintheworld.AsfortheDhamma,it’sjustlikescience:Itexistsinnature.WhenIrealizedthis,InolongerworriedaboutstudyingthescripturesandIwasremindedoftheBuddhaandhisdisciples:Theystudiedandlearnedfromtheprinciplesofnature.Noneofthemfollowedatextbook.

ForthesereasonsI’mwillingtobeignorantwhenitcomestotextsand

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scriptures.Somekindsoftreessleepatnightandareawakeduringtheday.Otherssleepbydayandareawakebynight.Thesameistrueofforestanimals.

Livingintheforest,youalsolearnfromthevaporsthateachplantexudes.Someplantsaregoodforyourhealth;somearebad.Sometimes,forexample,whenI’vebeenfeverish,I’vegonetositundercertainkindsoftreesandmyfeverhasdisappeared.SometimeswhenI’vebeenfeelingwellI’vegonetositundercertainkindsoftreesandtheelementsinmybodyhavebecomedisturbed.SometimesI’vebeenhungryandthirsty,butassoonasIgositundercertainkindsoftrees,myhungerandthirstdisappear.Learningfromtreesinthiswayhascausedmetothinkaboutthetraditionaldoctorswhokeepastatueofahermitontheiraltars.Thosehermitsneverstudiedmedicaltextbooksbutwereabletoteachaboutmedicinesthatcancurediseasebecausetheyhadstudiednaturebytrainingtheirmindsthesamewaywedo.

Similarlessonscanbelearnedfromwater,earth,andair.Realizingthis,I’venevergottenveryexcitedaboutmedicinesthatcurediseasebecauseIfeelthatgoodmedicinesareeverywhere.Theimportantpointiswhetherornotwerecognizethem,andthisdependsonus.

Inaddition,thereisanotherqualityweneedinordertotakecareofourselves:thepowerofthemind.Ifweareabletokeepthemindquiet,itsabilitytocurediseasewillbetensoftimesgreaterthanthatofanymedicine.Thisiscalleddhamma-osatha:themedicineoftheDhamma.

Allinall,IcanreallyseethatI’vegainedfromlivinginforestsandotherquietplacesinordertotrainthemind.OnebyoneI’vebeenabletocutawaymydoubtsabouttheBuddha’steachings.Andso,forthisreason,I’mwillingtodevotemyselftothedutiesofmeditationuntilthereisnomorelifeleftformetolive.

Thegainsthatcomefromtrainingthemind,ifIweretodescribethemindetail,wouldgoonandon,butI’llasktofinishthisshortdescriptionhere.

COMINGNOWtothepresent,I’vebegunworkonmakingWatAsokaramapermanentbaseforpeopleyettocome.OnDecember5,1956,whilestayingatWatAsokaram,Iwasgivenarankandatitle—PhraKhruofthefirstorder,withthetitle,‘PhraKhruSuddhidhammacariya’—withoutmyhavingknownoreventhoughtaboutitbeforehand.InDecember,1957,Ilearnedthat,againwithoutwarning,IhadbeengiventherankofChaoKhun,withthetitle,‘PhraSuddhidhammaransiGambhiramedhacariya,’soIhavedecidedtospendtherainsatWatAsokarameversince.

In1959Istartedfeelingillinthemiddleoftherains.Thinkingofmyillness,Ibegantogrowdiscouragedaboutlivingon.Thereweredayswhenmythoughts

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wouldturnawayfrommyfollowersandbeconcernedonlywithmyselfalone:IwouldseeplaceswhereIcouldfindquietandsolitudeasthehighestformofhappiness.Sometimesmyillnesswouldrecede;sometimesI’dbesickallnightlong,butIwasabletobearwithit.Ihadsharppainsinmystomach,andtherewasonedaywhenIranaveryhighfeverformanyhours.SowhentherainswereoverIcametorestatSomdetPhraPinKlaoHospital.

Myfirststaywasforthreedays—November2-5,1959—butafterreturningtotheWatIhadarelapseandsoIre-enteredthehospitalonTuesday,November10.Sincethenmyillnesshasslowlysubsided.

Oneday,lyinginbed,Ithoughttomyself:‘IwantthefactthatI’vebeenborntobeusefulbothtomyselfandtoothers.EvenifIweretobebornintoaworldwherethereisnosickness,I’dwanttobeofusebothtotheworldandtotheBuddha’steachingsallofmylife.ButhereI’msick,soI’dlikemysicknesstobeofusebothtomyselfandtoothers.’Withthisinmind,Iwrotethefollowingletter:

SpecialRoomSomdetPhraPinKlaoHospital(TheNavalHospitalatPuggalo)

Concerningmyfood,Idon’twantanyonetoworry.ThehospitalhaseverythingIcouldwant.Soifanyonefeelsinspiredtobringfood,Iaskthatheorshetakethecostofthefoodandtheamountofmoneyitwouldcosttobringithere,andusethemoneytomakemeritinsomeotherway,e.g.,tocompensateforallofthehospital’smedicineI’veusedor,ifthereismoneyleftover,tohelppayforthepooranddestitutewhoneedhospitalcare.Wouldn’tthatbeabetterwaytothink?

ThebuildingwhereI’mstayingisaspecialbuilding.Ithasn’tyetbeenopenedtootherpatients.Thedoctorshavegivenmethebestpossiblecareandattention,withoutaskingforevenasinglecent.Therefore,whoeverhasgoodintentionsshouldthinkthisover.

Inconclusion,Iwouldliketodonatesomebedstothehospitalasamemento.WhoeverwouldliketohelpcancontacteithermeortheDirectorandAssistantDirectorofSomdetPhraPinKlaoHospital.

PhraAjaanLee

(OnNovember11,1959,theNavalHospitalatPuggaloreceivedpermissionfromtheDefenseMinistrytochangeitsnametoSomdetPhraPinKlaoHospital,onedayafterIwasre-admitted.)WhenIhadfinishedtheletter,Ithoughttomyself:‘Attheveryleast,we

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shouldget30,000bahttohelpthehospital.’SoIhadmyintentionsannouncedtomyfollowers,andbeginningthatverydaypeoplestarteddonatingmoney.

OnNovember16,agroupofpeoplefromSamutPrakaancametoseemeatthehospitaltotellmethat(a)therehadbeenanothercarcrashat‘DeathCurve’onSukhumvitRoadinBangPing;and(b)anumberofpeoplehadseenallsortsoffrighteningspiritsappearingatthecurve.Idecideditwouldbeagoodideatomakemeritanddedicateittopeoplewhohaddiedinaccidentsalongtheroad.

IwenttoconsultthedeputygovernorofSamutPrakaanandagroupofmyfollowers,andweagreedthatwewouldhavetomakemerit.TheproceedingsbegantheeveningofDecember18.AgroupofmonkschantedinatemporarypavilionsetupbythesideofSukhumvitRoadneartheofficeoftheSamutPrakaanRoadsBureau.Fiftyphaapaaswerepresentedandthenamesofthecurvesontheroadwerechangedasfollows:

BodhiTreeCurvewasrenamedBodhisattvaCurve.DeathCurvewasrenamedSafeCurve.MidoCurvewasrenamedVictoryCurve.

Thisfinished,Ireturnedheretothehospitalthatafternoonandhavecontinuedstayingonfornearlyamonthsince.Thedoctorsandnurseshavebeenveryattentiveandhelpful.Forexample,AdmiralSanitPosakritsana,thedirectorofthehospital,hasbeenveryattentive,bringingfoodtodonateearlyeachmorningandlookingaftermeasifhewereoneofmyfollowers.

DuringthisperiodIwroteabook,AHandbookfortheReliefofSuffering,tobedistributedfreeofcharge.Ihadnodifficultiesinhavingitprinted.Twoofmyfollowershelpedprint2,000copies:KhunNaiLamaiAmnueysongkram,1,000copies;andNavyLieutenantAyutBunyaritraksa,theother1,000.Itseemsthatmyaimshavebeenrealizedfairlywell.Forinstance,Iwantedtocollectmoneytohelpthehospital,andtoday—January10,1960—asIleavethehospitalafterstayinghere45days,we’vecollected31,535baht,whichshowsthatevenwhenill,Icanbeofuse.

EvenwhenIdie,I’dlikemyremainstobeofusetothosestillliving.I’veseenoneexample:KhruBaaSriWichai,whoisreveredbypeopleupnorth.HehadmadeplanstobuildabridgeacrosstheMaePingRiverbutdiedbeforethebridgecouldbefinished.Sosomeofhisfollowerstookhisbodyandplaceditinacoffinneartheunfinishedbridge,withanoticethatwhoeverwantedtohelpwiththefuneral,pleasehelpfinishthebridgefirst.Intheend,evenashelaythererotting,KhruBaaSriWichaiwasabletobeofusetothepeople.

AndsoinmylifeI’veaimedatbeingofuseallalong,eversinceIfirstwentouttopracticemeditationin1926uptothepresent.I’vetaughtstudentsina

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numberofprovinces,andhavehelpedsetupmonasteriesfortheconvenienceofBuddhistsatlarge.Insettingupmonasterieslikethis,I’vehelpedintwoways:

1)Whenmyfollowershadsetupmonasteriesontheirownbutwerestilllackinginsomeway,I’veofferedassistanceandencouragement.

2)Whenmyfriendswerethinkingofbuildingmonasteriesbuthadn’tyetcompletedthem,iftheyneededmonksI’dsendsomeofmyfollowerstoliveonapermanentbasis.Asformonasteriesthatmyteachershadbuiltwhilepassingthroughfromplacetoplace,I’vecontinuedvisitingandhelpingtrainthepeoplelivingthere.

InChanthaburithereareelevenmonasteriesIhelpedtosetup.InNakhornRatchasimatherearetwoorthree.There’soneinSrisaket,andmoreinSurin—allarefriendsinmeditation.InUbonRatchathanitherearemanyplaces.InNakhornPhanom,KhonKaen,Loei,Chaiyaphum,Phetchabun,Prajinburi,Rayong,Trat,Lopburi,Chainat,Tak,NakhornSawan,andPhitsanulokearemonasterieswhereI’vetaughtonatemporarybasis,withoutsettingupanymonasteriesofmyown.InSaraburiI’vehelpedsetuponemonastery.UttaraditisaplacewhereI’vetrainedpeoplewhilepassingthrough.Lampang,ChiengRai,ChiengMai,NakhornNayok,NakhornPathom,andRatchaburiI’vepassedthroughandtaughtpeople,butwithoutsettingupmonasteries.InPrajuabsomefriendshavebegunsettingupamonasteryinHuaHindistrict.InChumporntherearetwoorthreemonasteriesI’vehelpedsetup.SuratThaniI’vepassedthroughbuthaven’tstartedamonastery.InNakhornSriThammaratIstayedforawhileandhelpedstartamonasterythathassincefallenvacant.Phattalungsomeofmyfollowershavepassedthrough,butasofyetthere’snomonastery.InSongkhlatherearealotofforestmonasteries.InYalasomeofmyfollowershavestartedestablishingabase,andImyselfhavebeentheretwice.

DuringthedryseasonsI’vemadeitapointalwaystogovisitoldstudentsofmyteachers.SometimesI’vegoneofftomeditateonmyown.AfterIwasreordainedintheDhammayutSectin1927,IspentmyfirstRainsRetreatinUbonRatchathaniprovince.IthenspenttherainsinBangkokatWatSraPathumforthreeyears,thenonerainyseasoninChiengMai,twoinNakhornRatchasima,andoneinPrajinburi.AfterthatIbuiltamonasteryinChanthaburiandspentfourteenRainsRetreatsthere.FromthereIwenttoIndia,whereIspentonerainyseason.ReturningfromIndia,IpassedthroughBurmaandthenspenttherainsatWatKhuanMiidinSongkhlaprovince.AfterthatIreturnedtoChiengMaiforonerainyseason,andthenspentthreerainyseasonsatWatBoromnivasa.SinceSomdetMahawirawong(Uan)’sdeath,I’vegoneouttospendfourRainsRetreatsatWatAsokaram,thefourthRetreatbeingin1959.

AsIdictatethis,I’mlyinginbedatSomdetPhraPinKlaoHospital,Thonburi.

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Epilogue

Thethirteen-spiredchediAjaanLeementionedinhisplanfortheFestivalCelebrating25centuriesofBuddhismwasneverbuiltduringhislifetime.Shortlyafterthefestival,hisfollowers—fearingthathewouldleavetheBangkokareaandreturntotheforestoncethechediwasfinished—insistedthatWatAsokaramneededanordinationhallbeforeitneededachedi,andsoarrangedtohavethatbuiltfirst.AftertheordinationhallwascompletedinMay1960,AjaanLeeheldameetingwithsomeofhismajorsupporterstodiscussplansforthechedi,butagaintheyfoundreasonsfornotgoingaheadwiththeproject.

Meanwhile,AjaanLee’shealthworsened.AftertheendoftherainyseasonhereturnedtoSomdetPhraPinKlaoHospital,butrealizingthatthedoctorswouldnotbeabletocurehisillness,arrangedforhisreleasefromthehospitalinearlyApril,1961.Soonafterwards,onthenightofApril25-26,hepassedawayinhishutatWatAsokaram.Thedoctors’verdict:aheartattack.

Whentheinitialfuneralserviceswereover,hisfollowersdecidedtodelaythecremationuntilaftertheyhadfinishedthechediastheirfinalgifttohismemory—muchlikethestoryofKhruBaSriWichaithatAjaanLeementionedtowardtheendofhisautobiography.However,afterthechediwasfinishedin1965,apollofAjaanLee’sfollowersrevealedthatthevastmajoritydidnotwanttoseehimcrematedatall,soeversincethenhisbodyhasbeenkeptatWatAsokaram,whereitisnowenshrinedinalargeandlavishlydesignedsanctuaryfinishedin1987.Morerecently,thechediwasfoundtohaveseriousstructuraldefects,soitwastorndownandreplacedbyanewchediofsimilardesigncompletedin2009.

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Endnotes

Note1:AtraditionalcustominThailandwasforawomantoliebyafireaftergivingbirth,foranynumberofdaysuptoamonth.Insimplerhouseholdsthismeantlittlemorethanthat:lyingnexttoafirethatwaskeptburningdayandnight.Inmoreelaboratehouseholds,itinvolvedherbalsteambathsandmassagesasawayofrestoringthewomantohealth.

Note2:Monksarenotallowedtoeatfoodduringtheperiodfromnoonuntildawnofthefollowingday.Thereareseveralreasonsforthisrule,oneofthembeingthatithelpskeepthemonksfrombeingburdensometotheirsupporters.

Note3:AmajoreventinruralThaivillagesattheendoftherainswastohavemonksdelivertheMahachaad,or‘GreatBirth’sermon,anarrationoftheBuddha’snext-to-lastlifeasPrinceVessantara,tellingofthehardshipsheenduredinlivingbytheprincipleofgenerosityandoftherewardsheultimatelywonbybeingtruetothisprinciple.Therecitationofthissermonlastedanentiredayandwasgiveninthirteeninstallments.Thereareafewplaceswherethistraditionisstillobserved,butitisfastdyingout.

Note4:ChaoKhunUpaliGunupamacariya(JanSiricando),achildhoodfriendofAjaanMun’s,wasoneofthehighestrankingmonksinThailandintheearlyyearsofthiscentury,althoughhewasoncetemporarilystrippedofhistitleandplacedunder‘monasteryarrest’forreportedlycriticizingKingRamaVI’srequestthatmonksencouragetheirfollowerstodonatemoneyforabattleshipfortheRoyalThaiNavy.HewasalsothepreceptorandteacheroftheSomdetMahawiarwong(TissoUan)mentionedlaterinthisbook.

Note5:FuneralservicesinThailandmaylastformanydays—evenmonthsoryears—beforetheactualcremationtakesplace.

Note6:ManyofGrandfatherPhaa’sactivities—wearinglayman’sclothes,plantingandgatheringcrops,buyingandsellinggoods—areforbiddenbythemonasticdiscipline.

Note7:TherearenotafewpeopleinSoutheastAsiawho,likethefatheranddaughterinthisincident,regardwell-behavedmonksasidealeligiblebachelors.Itisthusuptoeachmonktodecidewhetherhewantstodevotehimselffull-timetohismeditation,andthusremaincelibate,ortoobligesuchpeoplebybecominganeligiblebachelorafterall.

Note8:Therehavebeencaseswherepeoplewithagrudgeagainstamonk

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havearrangedforawomantovisithimfrequently,getonfamiliartermswithhim,andthenaccusehimofhavingmolestedhersexually.BecauseBuddhistsareveryconcernedthatrelationshipsbetweenmonksandwomenbepure,andbecausesuchaccusationsarealmostimpossibletoproveonewayoranother,theyareoftenjudgedbyaformofmobmentalitythatisswayedmorebyprejudicesthanthefactsofthecase:Womenwhohavebeenmolestedhavesometimesbeenostracizedbythecommunity,andperfectlyinnocentmonkshavesometimesbeendrivenoutoftown.ThiswasthebasisforKhunNaiKimlang’sfears.

Note9:BothThaoSatyanurakandSomdetMahawirwong(Uan)hadpassedawaywhenAjaanLeemadethisstatement.

Note10:Lightingafiretowarmoneself—exceptforreasonsofhealth—isforbiddenbythemonasticdiscipline,becausefiresofthissortareoftenaninvitationtositaroundtalkingratherthanmeditating.

Note11:PeoplehaveaskedwhyAjaanLeedevotessomuchspacetodescribingtheFestivalCelebrating25CenturiesofBuddhism,andinparticulartotheamountofmoneydonatedandspent.Threepointsseemrelevant:1)ManyofthepeopleinvolvedinthecelebrationwerestillalivewhenAjaanLeewrotethisbook,thecelebrationstillfreshintheirmemories.Theywouldhaveenjoyedseeingthattheireffortswerenotforgotten,andatthesametimeAjaanLeemayhavewantedtoremindthemofoneofthepurposesofthecelebrationthathadnotyetbeenfulfilled:tobuildachediatWatAsokaram.2)Thewholequestionoffund-raising—orlackofit—forthefestivalmakesforagoodread.Manyofhisfollowersfeltthatonlybyappealingforfundsfromthepublicandthegovernmentwouldtheybeabletocarryouttheambitiousprogram.AjaanLeestoodfastbyhisinsistence—andintheendwasprovenright—thattheycoulddependonthepurityoftheirintentionstoseethemthrough.3)Severalothergroups,includingtheThaigovernment,heldcelebrationsoftheyear2500B.E.atthesametimeasAjaanLee’s,andinsomecases—thegovernment’sinparticular—therewereunresolvedquestionsastowhereallthedonationswent.AjaanLeemayhavewantedtoshowthatinhiscase,atleast,allfundswerewellaccountedfor.

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Glossar y

PartI:PersonalTitles

PeopleinThailandarerarelyreferredtosimplybyname.Usuallythenameisprefacedbyatermthatcanindicateeithertheperson’sformalrank,his/herrelationshiptothespeaker,orthespeaker’sfeelingsabouthim/heratthatparticularmoment.Anumberoftheseterms,asusedinthisbook,areexplainedbelow.

Inthedaysoftheabsolutemonarchy,high-rankingcivilservantsweregivenranksandtitlesofconferrednobility,andnewnamestogowiththeranks.Theranksgiventocommoners,inascendingorder,wereKhun,Luang,Phra,Phraya,andChaoPhraya.ThewifeofaKhun,aLuang,oraPhrawascalledKhunNai;thewifeofaPhrayaoraChaoPhraya,KhunYing.Anothersystemofranksandtitleswasusedformembersoftheroyalfamilyingovernmentservice,butnoneofthesearementionedinthisbook.

Asimilarsystemofconferredranksandtitleswas,andstillis,bestowedonmonks.Thetwobasicranks,inascendingorder,arePhraKhruandChaoKhun,althougheachrankhasseveralgrades.ThehighestgradeofChaoKhunisSomdet.Therecipientofanyoftheseranksisalsogivenanewnameinkeepingwithhiselevatedstatusandposition.Thiswasespeciallyimportantbackinthedayswhenpeoplemightbenamed‘Dog,’‘Grub,’or‘Pig’atbirth.Theconferrednamesarerecyclable.Forinstance,theSomdetatWatBoromnivasamentionedinthisbookwasnamedUan(Fatty)atbirth.WhenhewasgiventherankofSomdet,hisofficialnamewasMahawirawong(inPali,Mahaviravamsa—’IntheLineageoftheGreatHero’).Afterhisdeath,therankandtitleSomdetMahawirawongwenttotheabbotofWatMakutKasatriyaram,whoseoriginalnamewasJuan(Almost).Officially,thetwoaredifferentiatedasSomdetPhraMahawirawong(Uan)andSomdetPhraMahawirawong(Juan).

Othertitlesusedinthisbook:

ChaoJawm:Aking’sconcubine.Khun:Apolitetermplacedbeforethenameofamanorwomanwithno

particularrank.This‘khun’andthe‘khun’thatisthelowestrankofconferred

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nobility(usuallygiventodistrictofficialsandlower-rankingmilitaryofficers)arespelleddifferentlyinThaiandpronouncedwithdifferenttones.Unfortunately,thereisnowaytoindicatethisinEnglishwithoutspecialtonalmarkers,butthereadershouldhavenotroubletellingwhichiswhichfromthecontext.

LuangPhaw:Venerablefather.1)Aprefixtothenameofaseniormonk,indicatingrespectandaffection.2)AprefixtothenameofaBuddhaimage.

LuangTa:VenerableMaternalGrandfather.Aprefixtothenameofanagedmonk,indicatingsomewhatlessrespectandmoreaffectionthanLuangPhaw.Usually,butnotexclusively,giventomonksordainedlateinlife.

Mae:Mother.Alsoaprefixtothenameofawomanoragirl,indicatingfriendshipandrespect.

Maha:AprefixtothenameofamonkwhohaspassedthethirdlevelofPaliexams.Theprefixsticksevenifthemonkdisrobes,butifheremainsamonkandisgivenanecclesiasticaltitle,theprefixisdropped.

Nai:Mister.Usedbeforethenameofaboyoramanofnoparticularrank.Nang:Mrs.Phra:Venerable.Usedasaprefixtothenameofamonk,aChaoKhun,ora

nobleman(seethenoteonconferrednobility,above).Again,thereshouldbenotroubletellingwhichiswhichbythecontext.

Thao:AtitleofrankforladyattendantsintheRoyalHousehold.Than:Reverend,venerable.ThanPhaw:ReverendFather.TheChanthaburiequivalentofLuangPhaw

(seeabove).

PartII:Terms

Abhidhamma:PartoftheBuddhistCanon,seventreatisesdealingwiththeanalysisofcategories,terms,andtheirrelationships.

Ajaan:Teacher;mentor.Arahant:Afullyawakenedperson,eitheraBuddhaoroneofhisdisciples.AsalhaPuja:ABuddhistholydayonthefullmooninJuly,commemorating

theBuddha’sfirstsermonandtheeventssurroundingit.Bhikkhu:ABuddhistmonk.Chedi:AspiredmonumentcontainingrelicsoftheBuddha,objectsrelatedto

theBuddha,orcopiesofBuddhistscriptures.Deva:Literally,a“shiningone.”Aninhabitantofhigherterrestrialorcelestial

realms.

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Dhamma:TheteachingsoftheBuddha;thepracticeofthoseteachings;thetruthofthingsastheyare.

Dhutanga:1)Asceticpractice,suchasgoingforalms,eatingonlyonemealaday,etc.2)Wanderingmonk,whomayormaynotbefollowingtheasceticdhutangapractices.

Gatha:AverseorshortpassageinthePalilanguage.Jhana:Meditativeabsorptioninasinglesensationormentalnotion.Karma(kamma):Intentionalactinthought,word,ordeed,holding

consequencesforthedoeroftheact.Kathina:AgiftofclothtoagroupofmonkswhohaveobservedtheRains

Retreattogetherinoneplace.Khanomtom:AThaiboiledsweetmadeofaflourpasteformedintoballs

aroundasweetenedcoconutstuffingandrolledingratedcoconut.MaghaPuja:ABuddhistholydayonthefullmooninFebruaryorearly

March,commemoratingtheBuddha’ssermoncalledtheOvadaPatimokkha,asummaryofthebasictenetsofhisteaching,givenontheafternoonofthatdaytoanassemblyof1,250arahant(fullyawakened)disciples.

Naga:Adeityintheformofalargeserpent,giftedwithmagicalpowersandgreatstrength.

Nibbana:Liberation;unbinding.Theextinguishingofpassion,aversion,anddelusioninthemind,resultingincompletefreedomfromsuffering.

Parinibbana:Totalliberation;thepassingawayoftheBuddhaorofhisarahantdisciples.

Phaapaa:Agiftofclothandotherrequisitesplacedonsmalltreeandpresentedtoamonk.Thisisaremnantofanoldtradition—fromthedayswhenmonkswerenotallowedtoacceptgiftsofclothandcouldmaketheirrobesonlyfromthrown-awaycloth—inwhichdonorswhowantedtogivenewclothtomonkswould‘throwitaway’byplacingitonthebranchofatreenearapathwherethemonkwassuretopass.

Sala:1)Apublicmeetinghall.2)Anopenpavilionwheretravelersmayrest.Samadhi:Concentration.Centeringthemindinasinglepreoccupation.Tripitaka:TheBuddhistCanon,consistingofthree‘baskets’:Vinaya

(disciplinaryrules),Suttas(discourses),andAbhidhamma(abstractanalysesofcategoriesandterms).

Vinaya:ThedisciplinaryrulesforBuddhistmonks.VisakhaPuja:ABuddhistholydayonthefullmooninMayorearlyJune,

commemoratingtheBuddha’sbirth,awakening,andparinibbana(seeabove).

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Wai:Agestureofrespectinwhichthehandsareputpalm-to-palmoverone’sheart,infrontofone’sfaceor,inextremecases,overone’shead.

Wat:Temple;monastery.

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TableofContents

Titlepage 2Copyright 3Photographs 4Translator’sForeword 14Map 18TheAutobiography 19Epilogue 128Endnotes 129Glossary 131PartI:PersonalTitles 131

Othertitlesusedinthisbook: 131PartII:Terms 132

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