Talk in the Intimate Relationships

Talk In The Intimate Relationshipsby Deborah Tannen

PREPARED AND CRITISIZED BY: EMİL KAYA

Outline Introduction Brief summary of the article Answering the question related to the text Conclusion

QUESTION “Deborah Tannen asserts that different worlds in which

people grow up affect their communication styles and expectations from their partners thus cause misunderstanding between them. Do you think Tannenbelieves there could be a solution for this miscommunication. If she does, what is the solution?”

Have you ever watched “He's Just Not That Into You?” (Erkekler Ne Söyler Kadınlar Ne Anlar?)

Have you ever encountered a situation in which men and women’sunderstandings are different on the same conversation.

In the article “Talk in the Intimate Relationship,” Deborah Tannen explains the importance of communication in relationships and the role of culture in communication between genders. According to her, “Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication.” Men and women are raised in different worlds that’s why genders have different expectations about the importance of talk in relationships.Sometimes, this situation can cause problems between partnersand even breaking up. DeborahTannen believes that men andwomen can find a solution for their problems by acceptingtheir differences and changing the ways of their talking sytles.

In the article, Deborah Tannen states that communication is related culture. She defines culture as a combination of customs and patterns from past experiences. From beginning of the childhood, men and women raise up in different world. When they become adults, these differences cause different expectations from talk. Tannen gives example that in long-term relationships, women expect from their partners to understand their opinions without explaining anything to their partners. On the other hand, men think that partners can say whatever they want to each other after a long-term relationship.

Moreover, she claims that men and women have different needs from relationships. Whereas men need independence, women want to have involvement because women consider being understood without saying anything as a payoff in involvement. Due to women’s this desire, women are more likely to adjust “metamessages” in the talk than are men.

Tannen defines metamessages as a way of to be indirect meaning in talk. While men focus on the real message, women think of the metamessages. The reason why women focus on the metamessages is that women attain more value on the involvement in relationship. For example, a cake in wedding anniversary means just a ordinary food for men, yet for women it symbolizes meaning of the day.

Because of the different focus of men and women, as Tannen points out, they have different points and view on any talk. For example, even a simple question such as “How was your day” can be a metamessage of interest. Another example about focusing on different levels of talking, as Tannen explains, is about argument between Louise and Jake. In the example, although Jake doesn’t imply Louise is a bad mother, a small conflict turns into divorce. Why does this happen? According to Tannen, responding to different levels of communication and different perceptive on metamessages create this situation.

In addition, according to an article in a popular newspaper, twenty percent of complaints about husband is “He doesn’t listen to me anymore.” and “He doesn’t talk to me anymore” because there is a stereotype that American men are silent types. Tannen claims that these stereotypes are created by cultures that surround us. From beginning of the childhood, generally, girl and boy socialize differently. While girls’ social lives revolve around best friends and are based on cooperation, boys’ friendships are based on competition and boys tend to play in larger groups. That’s why, when they become adults, women want their partners to be new version of best friend, while men expect to do things together. Tannen explains another problem related to memory. Because of the different focuses on topics, their memories are different and listening and remembering skills varies.

Tannen concludes her article by saying that communication problems should not be ignored and she believes that these problems can be solved. As examples indicate, if men and women do not know their partners’ different conversation styles, people have negative impressions on their partners. For example, when men say “I think I ‘ll go for a walk”, women focus on “I” and think that she is not involved in their partners’ plans. However men think that their partners can come if they want. This example shows that there is a clearly different style of talking and understanding between genders.

According to Tannen, if partners realize and accept these distinctions, couples can guess what their partners actually mean. Moreover, Tannen suggests that if there is a problem in relationships, by changing the communication style couples can solve the problem. For example, when a man says directly to woman what to do, a woman can feel herself as humiliated. However if man doesn’t talk in imperative way, woman will not understand wrongly and become upset and angry. In a word, intentions can be seen bad because of the misunderstandings, although they are good. This problem can be solved by changing the talking styles.

Works Cited

Tannen, Deborah. “Talk in the Intimate Relationship: His and Hers.” 31 March 2006.