Strengthening Strengthening Relationships Relationships A Life Skills Workshop Presented by Student Counseling Services
Feb 07, 2016
Strengthening RelationshipsStrengthening Relationships
A Life Skills Workshop
Presented by
Student Counseling Services
“To have a friend, be a friend.”
““Friendship is not won by the Friendship is not won by the giving of things, but by the giving of things, but by the
giving of the heart.”giving of the heart.”
--- Roy Lessin--- Roy Lessin
RelationshipRelationship: the state of being related.
RelatedRelated: 1. connected by some understood relationship. 2. connected through membership in the same family.
The key is CONNECTION.CONNECTION.
Relationship AssumptionsRelationship Assumptions
1. Successful relationships are basic to successful living.
2. Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high priority.
3. Your marriage or significant other is your most important relationship.
4. You can learn to understand how to make your relationship work.
Types of RelationshipsTypes of Relationships
• Family relationships • Occasional (“anonymous”) relationships –
clerks, waiters• Casual relationships (acquaintances) – some
people at work, professors, classmates• Friendships – people with whom you seek
interactions, whose company you enjoy• Romantic relationships – passionate,
emotional connection, usually reciprocal
Aspects of FriendshipAspects of Friendship
• Keeps confidence• Loyalty• Warmth/affection• Supportiveness• Frankness• Sense of humor
• Willingness to make time for me
• Independence• Good conversationalist• Intelligence• Social conscience
Six Rules for FriendsSix Rules for Friends
• Share news of success with a friend.
• Show emotional support.
• Volunteer help in time of need.
• Strive to make a friend happy when in each other’s company.
• Trust and confide in each other.
• Stand up for a friend in his/her absence.
Development of a Close Development of a Close RelationshipRelationship
• Zero contact
• Stage 1: unilateral contact
• Stage 2: bilateral contact
• Stage 3: mutuality
Intimacy in CommunicationIntimacy in Communication
ClichéClichéConversationConversation
Person 1Person 1
Person 2Person 2
Intimacy in Communication
Cliché Facts,Cliché Facts,Conversation Other’sConversation Other’s IdeasIdeas
PersonPerson 1
Person 2
Intimacy in CommunicationIntimacy in Communication
Cliché Facts, Your Conversation Other’s Ideas Ideas & Opinions
Person 1Person 1
Person 2Person 2
Intimacy in CommunicationIntimacy in Communication
Cliché Facts, Your Personal Cliché Facts, Your Personal Conversation Other’s Ideas Information Conversation Other’s Ideas Information Ideas & OpinionsIdeas & Opinions
Person 1Person 1
Person 2Person 2
IntimacyIntimacy in Communication
Cliché Facts, Your Personal FeelingsCliché Facts, Your Personal FeelingsConversation Other’s Ideas Information About EachConversation Other’s Ideas Information About Each Ideas & Opinions Other NowIdeas & Opinions Other Now
Person 1Person 1
Person 2Person 2
Close RelationshipsClose Relationships
• Relatively long-lasting
• Frequent interaction
• Mutual activities
• Impact of interactions is strong
“Marriage is not just a ‘happily ever after’ ending,
but a lifetime of ‘I choose to love you’
beginnings.”
--- Matt Anderson
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
Dr. John Gottman
“A lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the
conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.”
Styles of Marriages
• Validating
• Volatile
• Avoidant
Validating
• Listen and understand each partner’s point of view
• Value other while disagreeing– more like problem-solving discussions– negotiate compromises
• Value “we-ness” of relationship
• Risk: passionless arrangement
Volatile
• Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale
• Highly engaged with each other
• See selves as equal parties in relationship
• Easily express feelings, opinions, & thoughts
• Risk: slide into too much fighting
Avoidant
• Conflict minimizers
• Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug
• Low level of companionship
• High degree of autonomy
• Risk: Encountering problem too big to avoid
Emotional Ecology
• Need to strike a balance of positive/negative– magic ratio: 5 to 1
• Healthy marriages represent three ways of adapting to achieve the balance
• Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt can be recognized by warning signs: – “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”
Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
Criticism
• Attacking someone’s personality rather than behavior
• Blaming & accusing– “You…” statements
• Different from Complaining– “I…” statements
• Present to a degree in all relationships
Contempt
• Criticism with intention– deeper, more personal attack
• Includes– insults & name-calling– hostile humor & mockery– body language
• Results in decay of admiration or positive feelings for partner
Defensiveness
• Elicited by criticism & contempt• Includes:
– denying responsibility --making excuses– disagreeing with mind reading --yes-butting– cross complaining --Rubber man/woman– repeating self --whining
• Result: obstructs communication--conflict escalates
Stonewalling
• Communication shutdown
• Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness
• Found in men more than women
Cycle of Negativity
• Four horsemen are hard to tame
• If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs
• Flooding occurs--system overload
• Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation cascade
Strategy for Improvement
• Calm down
• Speak nondefensively
• Validating Partner
• Overlearning--try & try again