Louis's Memoirs EDITED (COMPLETE)

8/14/2019 Louis's Memoirs EDITED (COMPLETE)

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<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

1989, summer after a rough week in Cervia for the Italian Open. I was looking forwardto my holiday in Benidorm, Spain with my closest friends.

Before I could head out on my excursion, I would finally meet with Julie Fryer to have atryout, since I blew her off a month ago. A few days before my Spain vacation, Julie had

flown to Amsterdam to meet with Ruud, Peter, and Myself (and of course my parents).

The tryout went very smooth.

Everybody loved Julie’s personality from the get go and we started our new partnership.

I was still a bit star struck that I was dancing with one of the best girls in the industry of

ballroom dancing at the time. It seemed like an odd pairing because at the time I had arather reserved and quiet personality. Who would ever in a million years have thought

what kind of adventure we were about to undertake or how successful we had become.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

We hit the ground running as Julie and I got ready for a four week performance trip toIstrie, which was then still Yugoslavia. This trip would be a great way for Julie and I to

get used to each other physically as a dance partnership and to get to know each other

better. We hit it off right away and it felt like she was the sister I never had.

The shows went well, people loved us together. After a month of being with the same

couples for the shows, we created many new contacts. I felt I was growing as a dancer

each day. I loved doing the shows because of their entertainment value and it was achance to use a lot of my dance training. Julie was so far ahead of me at the time and had

a lot more experience than I did. Despite that she was very patient with me so that Icould process everything faster and in my own way. I have always appreciated that inher and it was one of the key elements as to why our partnership flourished. We rarely

fought and agreed on most points.

Upon our return to Holland, we started preparing for competition season which kind of

was nerve racking, since we had still only been dancing roughly two months.

We would now have to finish choreographing our five competitive routines and saygoodbye to all of the show routines we had performed with in Yugoslavia. Julie and I

both picked up the new material very quickly and everything Ruud wanted from us we

could pretty much do right away. The enthusiasm started to build and our little teamheaded for the first competition.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

The first competitions were domestic and we won basically most of them, but there was

really no high level competition except from one couple who lived in London, England.

They were the Dutch national champions to beat and they were in the top 24 of every



major championship in England and semi-finalists in the European and World

Championships. To beat them was not going to be an easy task.

After a few domestic competitions, we prepared ourselves for our first international

competition in London at Royal Albert Hall.

During the competition, Julie and I got to the same round as the other Dutch couple

which we were pleased with. Julie had already been in the semi-finals, but it was a

tremendous jump in ranking for me. I had skipped three rounds altogether from being inthe last 125 to the quarter final. It was overwhelming at first, but I also felt my

competitiveness grow. Due to Julie’s patience and nurturing, I felt my confidence and

exhilaration for the sport growing fast.

From October to about March we competed in so many national and international

competitions. The domestic ones we pretty much won and wound up in the quarter finals

of most international competitions we attended.

During our competitive run, Ruud had been working a few things out in assessing our

dancing. His analysis led him to believe that I was not really achieving my greatest potential. That being the case, Ruud set out to mold me into a top flight competitor.

Everything always came easy to me when it came to dance. I never really had to work

for results, and Ruud was committed to changing that practice. It was about a month

away from the Dutch National Championships and a month and a half from the biggestcompetition in the world. The Open British in Blackpool. (The Wimbledon of the

Ballroom Dance Industry).

Ruud had a plan of action to get us prepared for the competition, and we were soon about

to find out what he had in mind.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

7 AM was the wake up call every morning to prepare for a full days practice at the studiostarting at 9 AM. A typical day began with a full warm up followed by a full run through

of all five dances with a little extra time tacked onto each in an effort to build stamina.

Ruud would then go through various points that he felt we could improve on. One thingin particular that Ruud focused on was regarding entrance and exit possibilities.

Typically couples would walk onto the floor, stand in place and wait for the music to begin dancing and cease movement at the conclusion of the music. Ruud basically

suggested that Julie and I experiment with different options such as starting to dance just

before the music would start or finish off our choreography slightly later than all theother couples.



At the conclusion of our session, we would dance another full round of all five dances to

music and incorporate the options Ruud had discussed, such as the entrance and exit

discussions.

After we were done with the 2nd round, Ruud would tell us we took it too easy, we were

lazy and couldn’t do it on talent alone. I still remember he would always tell me that, “Ionly liked to watch TV and eat French fries instead of acting like a hungry top athlete”

We would leave the dance studio totally broken down, but for some odd reason, as muchas I wanted to give up, I pulled through.

I had such a hard time since I was a listener and rarely displayed my emotions, at least

not with the outside world. Inside though I was burning of frustration, confusion andexcitement.

The next day, Julie and I walked in the studio, got changed, warmed-up and did the first

round with much less stamina problems and a fresh outlook. We tried not to find anyexcuses and just work hard and no cutting corners. The work relationship became better

and better. We were building stamina, confidence, and a belief in our work.

After about two weeks, we had only a few days left before our first major competition,

the National Championships. The National Championships was important for us because

only the first two couples would qualify to go on to represent Holland at the Europeanand World Championships.

On the day of the Nationals, Julie and I were so prepared that we made quick work of allthe preliminary rounds. By the time we got to the final round, we both felt like it was our

first round and we were enjoying the fact we were in our own world. All the other

couples seemed tired by the final round while we looked refreshed. I guess we had our share of being tired and in physical pain a few weeks prior during training. By the end of

the final we were so excited and felt like the weeks of building up to this moment, the

pain and agony, had just disappeared.

In this particular competition, the MC would announce the National champions before

giving the results of all the different classes. This was the most nerve racking moment of

the competition; waiting for the result. It’s the only thing that is really out of your personal control and minutes feel like hours.

The results were finally announced and we basically blew past the London based couplesand won all five dances. The audience was so enthusiastic and we felt such a relief and

excitement that we were both in tears. Hearing your national anthem is quite a thing.

Nobody had ever trained us for a competition in the way that Ruud had prepared us for

Nationals. We were so focused on the work and getting involved with what we had to do,

that without consciously knowing it, we were totally relating with the audience. It truly

was a great moment for Julie and I.



<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

After coming home and a little celebration on our recent victory, it was time to focus onthe Open-British in Blackpool. Since Julie and I were officially still in the Youth Under

21 category we decided to focus our first Open-British on the youth and simply enjoy the

Amateurs.

My first Blackpool was two years prior and I didn’t make it out of the first round with my

Dutch partner, Natasja. Walking on the floor for the first round of the youth was kind of humbling since nobody knew me and we did not perform well. The following year at

Blackpool yielded much of the same. This time I was competing with my first English

dance partner Joanne and we didn’t make it out of the last 125 couples ranking.

In the weeks leading up this Blackpool, we did the same ritual that Ruud had us doing in

preparation for the National Championships. We got so used to it that I started to get

more invested and learned about the emotional aspects of the dance.

Julie and I really got involved in our creative work and the rounds went by quickly. Our

excitement began to show pretty much from the start. Because we were so involved withwhat we did, we were noticed and along the way and the audience was really swinging in

our favor. By the time we got towards the quarter final we had the audience totally eating

out of the palm of our hands. When they announced us for the semi final I was ecstatic

and apparently so was the audience who was screaming their lungs out. We had quickly become the fan favorite among the hundreds of couples competing and that made it

easier. We had reached the final and we already had a better result than ever before.

What made it more poignant was the fact that up to this point I was a virtual unknown inmy industry. When we were called for the final something unique happened, we got a

standing ovation from the audience which was so overwhelming that we danced the

whole final feeling like we were on some form of narcotic. Nothing could go wronganymore and after we came off the floor. Both of our families and Ruud (who had

become family) were crying and screaming. I didn’t care anymore what placement we

would end up getting. We made the final which I never thought would happen and on topof that we had the audience in frenzy. At times I remember being so happy that I forgot

where I was. It was such an exhilarating feeling that I never wanted to end. I don’t think

there is a more rewarding feeling in the world than the appreciation of the audience. We

finished that competition in 2nd place which drew some criticism from the audience whofelt we should have won the whole thing. I personally think that result was just fine.

Thanks to a strong performance and overwhelming support from the audience, we

became visible to the judges.

We competed in the Amateurs Division at Blackpool a few days later and this time we

were not unknown anymore. Even though all the top couples were competing in thisdivision, we got most of the audience on our side again. Normally, a placement of 2nd or

3rd place in the Youth Under 21 division would generally place you in the top 24 of the

Amateur division, but no further. It was thrilling to break through in an unprecedented

ascent immediately to the top 12 right away along with the first placed couple.



If the Nationals and Blackpool results were not enough, the European 10-Dance

Championships had another surprise for us in store.

Julie and I did not only compete in the Latin division (which we won), but we also

competed in the Standard division as well. Ruud was never in favor of us doingStandard, he thought it took away from Latin and he simply thought we weren’t

Championship material in the Standard division.

During the Nationals, we had secured 5th place in the Standard division which was good

considering we did this style a lot less than Latin and paid a lot less attention to it overall

before Nationals. What none of us knew was that to qualify for the European and World

10-Dance Championships, the powers that be at Nationals would combine the best resultsof the individual divisions. We didn’t even think about the possibility of ever going to a

10-Dance Championship, but after we received the official invitation we realized we had

the best overall result and we were the official Dutch 10-Dance and Latin Champions.

The actual European 10 Dance Championships held in Eastern Europe was another

interesting experience. Similar to Blackpool, we started as an unknown couple to theaudience. Just like Blackpool, we managed to sway the audience to our side, especially

with our Latin performance. This audience was louder than Blackpool so it was

definitely inspiring. This Championship competition confirmed our ability to connect

with the audience because it was held quite a long way from home. We had no supportersand nobody came along with us. We had only just finished Blackpool and were in a

semi-recuperative state. It all went so quick and the invitation came so last minute that

we hardly had time to prepare.

I didn’t expect anything results wise in the Standard division. When we were called out

for the semi-final, I thought it was a mistake. I didn’t expect to get into the semi-finals atall. Julie and I were in heaven by the end of the semi-final and the energy in the building

was crazy. We felt on top of the world…just the two of us. We were in for a big surprise

as well as the audience when we made the final. We ended up finishing 6th in the final of the Standard and that’s exactly what we expected, nothing more. This was the European

Championship 10 Dance and we made the final in the Standard division; it was perfect.

Starting the Latin Final, Julie and I felt a lot more confident and it showed in the marks.Seeing our dance marks was very shocking because we ended up winning all five dances

in the Latin division with the majority of the scores placing us into 1st place. It would be

interesting to see what the overall placement would end up being.

We had 6th place in the Standard and 1st in the Latin. As they announced the winners, we

were thrilled every time our name was not called. Ultimately we placed 3rd overall whichwas a total shocker to us, but not to the judges or the audience. Judges and spectators

alike came up to us and told us we would be the next world champions. They loved what

we did. It was fresh, new and exciting to watch.



It was very overwhelming and humbling. Being one of the youngest dancers there and

with no real experience, it was hard to take in everything that was going on. It felt great

to be doing so well and to be appreciated by the audience, but we didn’t really know howto react to all of it. All I knew is that I wanted more, it had become an addiction.

What a year it has been coming from absolute nowhere to being the new sensation. Julieand I became known as the young new couple to watch. With a new season ahead of us,

we had a lot to look forward to such as the season opener; The World Latin

Championship and our first Worlds.

The past two and a half years had been life-changing and although the initial weeks were

not pleasant, I came to show that if I really wanted something bad enough, and was

willing to go the distance, that results would come my way.

God, it was amazing how quickly we got results. I started to believe that I could reach

further and I loved connecting with the audience. On top of that, who better to do that

with than with the partner who I truly started loving as a person and as a sister. Julie andI were on a journey together, a reality created by us, guided by our mentor, father and

friend Ruud.

For the foreseeable future, everything looked right.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

Since summer was a little slower, we had time to focus more on developing our skills.

The name of the game was change and we did a lot of it. We changed and addedchoreography while experimenting more with different approaches and new possibilities.

Ruud was a veritable magician and he knew exactly how to tap into our potential. I never really knew what he had in store for us, but it didn’t matter because whatever it was, it

always worked. The Ballroom dance industry in the late eighties early nineties wasn’t all

that exciting. Nobody really stood out and tried to be progressive or push the envelope.That was far from the case with Julie and I. Ruud had every intention of positioning us to

be pioneers and create a whole new look and approach to competitive ballroom dancing.

Dancing for us became so much more about the depth of movement, understanding the

physical, mental and emotional behavior of the psyche and the world possibilities while performing. It was so much more than steps and pretty costumes alone.

Ruud lived half the time in London to start his studies of Laban. Rudolf von Laban was agentleman that had studied human behavior for decades in the early nineteen hundreds

and now had several universities around the world where people could earn degrees on

human movement dynamics. Ruud traveled back and forth between London andAmsterdam to apply what he learned into to ballroom dancing. At the time I’m sure he

didn’t realize in doing so he would become one of the most successful coached within the

industry. Even today, I think I am one of the closest followers of Laban’s work and

totally owe all my success and philosophy to Ruud.



<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

Before we would go to our first World Championships in Denmark, Julie and I would

first compete in the German Open held in Stuttgart, Germany. This competition was

more of an experimental one to try out new chorographical ideas and tactics in betweendances. Whatever worked here we would keep for the Worlds and whatever didn’t was

removed. We were so occupied with our experiments we didn’t really place much stock

in the magnitude of this competition.

It’s worth mentioning also that during that time England and Western Europe had a lot of

exposure to ballroom dancing while Eastern European audiences languished in the

absence of ballroom under Communist sentiment. Germany was closer to EasternEurope and so gave Eastern European audiences a chance to see a world class

competition. Hundreds of audience members from the eastern block countries were in

attendance.

The Eastern European audience was even more raucous than their western counterparts.

They seemed to be our biggest fans. It almost felt like our dancing gave an outlet for inspiration to a people who limited creative or personal freedoms. We were enjoying the

fact that we were noticed and getting a great reaction from this new audience. It was

inspirational to me and it worked well.

During the semifinals, we were dancing the Paso Doble and one of the chorographical

choices we had made was that after the last musical hit in the music, we would continue

on for a few seconds while other couples would stop. So while other couples stopped,Julie was still hanging and almost in slow motion, slid down the floor. The audience was

in shock and in suspense in anticipation of what would happen next while the other semi-

finalists simply strolled off the floor. When I finally let go of Julie and she intentionallydropped to the floor, the audience went absolutely crazy for what seemed like forever.

Julie and I were shocked at the reactions and almost didn’t know what to do, because by

that time all couples were already off the floor. We wondered whether we should soak inthe applause or exit the floor quickly. Well, we chose the former and the audience just

kept sustaining for a long time. I’m sure the other couples were probably thinking to

themselves, “Just who the hell are these people and what did they do to deserve such

applause?” By the end of Jive, there was no doubt in anybody’s mind, even the judges,that we were the audience favorite. Yet, we had to see if we would break through to the

Final.

It was only two and a half months after Blackpool and almost all the top couples were

competing at this Championship. Since we were in the top twelve at Blackpool we would

have to beat a lot of couples to make it into the top six. When our number was called outfor the top 6 we were ecstatic. We didn’t expect to make it to the finals that soon.

Looking at the judges marks, Julie and I had received 3rd and 4th place markings which

was tremendous.



The final round went by quickly and we had another tremendous performance. During

the Paso Doble, we repeated what we had done in the previous round to even greater success. We received mostly 3rd places, which we were so happy about, but one judge

decided to give us a first place. The audience went totally nuts and the judge held up the

mark as if to say, “It’s time for a change, and that time is now.”

You can imagine how excited and emotional we were. Audiences and judges came up to

us to congratulate us on our performance. Competition organizers gave us invitations toattend other world competitions. It was pretty clear now we were on the rise and it was

all due to the fact that we dared to be different. This all just solidified my belief that if

you committed yourself, even something unknown or scary, if you believe it, it will work

and you will be successful.

From that point we had less than a week to continue and sharpen our regimen for the

World Latin Championships in Denmark. We had a great performance and Julie and I

became the youngest couple to make it into the Final of a world class competition. Wewere so happy to break though and although it was immensely quick, we were starting to

secure a solid position for ourselves among the top couples that we competed against.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

Julie and I had now set our standards very high and wanted to be included in all finals inEngland as well. In the meantime after the Worlds we traveled the world to compete in

various competitions worldwide sometimes Latin, other times 10 Dance. From Asia to

Europe we spanned the globe. In between trips we had lessons and focused on growingas dancers with Ruud. If I could on days off, I would go clubbing in Amsterdam though

there was hardly any time because of all the traveling and training. I didn’t like the fact

that I had less and less time for anything other than dance, but I didn’t see any other wayaround it. That being the case, I never said anything even though the pressure was

starting to build.

After the New Year Rudd, Julie and I were going into a more intense regimen than ever

and focused our efforts in order to make a big statement at the UK Championships which

would be televised by BBC…a HUGE deal. We were more experienced with all the

facets of performing and Ruud had designed very interesting and daring choreography.

Each couple making it to the Final would have to do a solo and an interview. Right from

the start of the competition, we hit the ground running from the moment we stepped footon the floor from Round 1 until the semi-finals. We never took a single round easy. After

that, we had to wait for word on our “fate”. when the MC announced the six finalists and

our number was included in the coveted six, a feeling of exhilaration came over us.

This was a MAJOR breakthrough in England. England was the Mecca of ballroom

dancing and held the most prestigious championships in the world. Though we did not



end up winning it, making this final meant more to us than any other final we had ever

experienced.

Julie and I were so excited and inspired because we came in with our controversial but

innovative routines and still managed to defeat the majority of the other couples who

came in with their standard routines. The audience was with us because we gave themsomething different and unexpected.

A year and a half prior, Julie and I had first met. Now in a matter of 18 months we wereconsidered one of the top couples in the world. What a great start to the New Year.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

More invitations came in and as a result we attended more competitions. Because of our

heavy travel schedule, we had less quality time with Ruud to develop and continue

growing. We gained a lot of experience as performers, which was good but our

development curve as far as being dancers was leveling off. Another downside was that Ihardly had any social life which had been bothering me for some time, but it was getting

worse. I started losing enthusiasm for everything. Too much traveling, too manycompetitions and not enough practice time.

Although seeing the world and staying at 5 star hotels with great competition results to

boot was fun, the excitement was slowly fading. To show our face as much as possibleon the competitive circuit would make us politically stronger. But the constant need to

press on competing created a lot of pressure. This pressure was so great, that I started to

really dislike practices so at times we would cut our sessions short. Around this time, wealso were getting a lot of criticism, especially from the British judges that we were not

technical enough and too “different” at times. They made us doubt ourselves which was

the biggest mistake we could have made. With World Championships ahead of us, westarted concentrating on working our technical skills.

Things became routine and it started to feel like I was doing it more for everybody else

rather than myself. It was just too much of the same shit over and over again. My performance reflected my emotional state and I was without a doubt losing interest.

At that point, I would never dare say anything because I was quiet back then. I did not

share my thoughts with my family or Ruud, especially my dad, because he thought what Iwas doing was so important. Even though I said I didn’t want to compete so, my parents

constantly fought about it. We ended up going and I always had to hear how much

money and time was spent on me and how I was not showing any appreciation for it. Iwas getting criticism from all angles. Even Ruud said that I was lazy and wanted to do

nothing but sit around and watch TV and eat French fries. The optimist became the

pessimist and the glass started looking half empty versus half full.

My parents, Julie and Ruud might have perceived my lack of interest as laziness, but

really it was just that I felt I was not in control of my own life. I started feeling a bit

guilty because I felt bad for Ruud and Julie. They weren’t the main causes of all this, yet



it was affecting them. So I tried to put my feelings aside and we pressed on. I could cope

with inner anger and loneliness, but I had to come to terms with my secret hell sooner or

later.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

After an unending series of competitions, our second Blackpool was already on the

horizon. For our second Blackpool, we dropped out of the Youth Under 21 competition

and decided to focus on the Amateur division. We made the final, but all the issues thathad been affecting our performances leading up to Blackpool also surfaced. Everyone

took notice and as a result, we did lose a majority of the fan base in that competition. I

was spent. I couldn’t give anymore and our performance was too “matter of fact” and too

mechanical. I felt like I was losing my personal spirit and had no outlet to share myfrustrations. Even if I did I couldn’t even form the words to do it.

On one hand I really felt we needed to slow down and also take some time off, but on the

other hand, I’d end up feeling guilty because it would be perceived as laziness andmisdirected priorities. All I wanted was a balance between a career and time at home

with my friends. Even between Julie and I sometimes things would heat up and thefrequencies of misunderstandings increased. The summer following Blackpool had a

lighter competition schedule, so I had hoped things would smooth over. But things pretty

much remained status quo. I felt Ruud was growing irritated even if he couldn’t quite put

his finger on exactly what was going on. I just kept my mouth shut and pressed on onecompetition at a time.

The pressure at home was very restricting, fighting with my mom about anything and mydad fighting with my mom constantly about how to support my dancing. My dad always

seemed to be a bit more carefree and respectful of my wishes though many years later the

perception would prove false. If there was ever a good side to all this, I would say thatall this traveling at the time meant that I was hardly ever home, which almost made me

forget my domestic problems for the past few years. I had not confronted my personal

problems with my parents’ marriage and alcohol issues, so I could never really expressmyself. I didn’t want to be home so traveling helped but I was also away from close

friends and that wasn’t good. Even when I was with my friends, I couldn’t really open up

because none of them really knew what I had been going through all these years nor did I

think they could relate or offer me comfort.

Everyone assumed I had given everything, so how could I possibly complain? I had

everything I wanted (no expenses, no work, family support) and all I really needed to dowas dance.

But perception is far from reality and it was very difficult. No one knew of the mentaland physical abuse that I had witnessed between my mother and father or the heated

exchanges that kept me up at night. I had tried to muster the strength at times to try and

stop them but I faltered and lost my nerve. The sight and images of my mother crying

with makeup running all across her face, and my drunken father enraged and furious are



images I’ll never forget. The fact we had a professional bar in every house we’ve lived in

didn’t help since it felt like I was living in a pub and my father was the star patron.

My parents didn’t realize that I had witnessed them fight all those years. They thought I

didn’t know anything that went on in their marriage. They would both get so wasted that

they didn’t even remember anything that happened the next morning and life went on asif nothing happened at all. But I knew it was like walking on thin ice because though

things seemed normal during the day, the evening always brought along the complete

opposite. I had nightmares as a result of years of witnessing this exchange between my parents. My mom thought my episodes at night were the result of watching the Hulk on

TV, but she had no idea that it was in fact their fighting that was the true source.

Looking back on those years, it’s amazing that they did not pickup that I was aneyewitness to some of their most embarrassing moments. I became lonely and didn’t

know if I should speak to anyone. I felt if I did it would almost be betraying my parents

in a way.

Thank God for dancing because it kept me away from all of that.

By the time we got to the end of the year we were set to compete at the World

Championship 10 dance in Belgium. We had a lot of friends and family with us, which

certainly helped and made it a lot more fun. Coming into this match we were already

bronze medalists from the previous year. The match went well but nothing significantoccurred and it was a rather muted statement to end the rough year.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

After a fun holiday season, it was back to the same routine and prepping for the second

UK Championships in England. Julie and I had made all finals without any issues andwere just three or four placements away from becoming the next world champions.

Being a regular couple in the final didn’t help inspire us a whole lot. The excitement andthe uncertainty that we felt when we first started was now lost. With everything that was

going on inside my head, I found it extremely hard to find the energy to make the

important “IT” factor happen. Sometimes it was there, often times it wasn’t and I felt

like a light switch with a mind of its own that would periodically switch on and off depending on my mood.

After the UK, we had Nationals which by now was routine and quite fun, zero stress. Ienjoyed our Nationals more because the audience loved us, as we were the couple

destined to bring Holland to the top. I loved dancing on home ground after a few weeks

non-stop traveling. It was also good to be home with friends and enjoy some free time. Ifelt I had already skipped most of my teenage years through competitions and travel, and

I was determined not to waste the rest of my youth away.



This constant barrage of pressure took it’s toll on my partnership with Julie and I felt our

relationship begin to stagnate, perhaps even drift apart. There was a fundamental lack of

communication between us and she had no idea what was going on with me personally. Iwas at fault for this because I guess I just didn’t have the courage to share and be honest

with my feelings.

A few months prior, Julie and I had a competition together in Japan. I met up with

another dancer that I had gotten involved with in a long distance relationship at the time.

We casually joked about the possibility of about just leaving it all behind to enjoy life, butthat was fantasy, I had to get back to reality. Julie and I were on our way to becoming

world champions so how could I possibly leave now? I didn’t have a good answer.

After a series of championships, it was time again for Blackpool. The pressure was sointense that I sometimes wanted to break down and just give up, but I knew I needed to

press on. The European final was in two weeks and Blackpool was in three.

I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. All I could think about was my desire to quit. I couldn’thandle it. I was hurt with no time to heal. Everyone was constantly pulling at me for

something and my life became a picture of happiness when in reality everythingcontradicted what I was presenting on the outside.

I needed an outlet to express myself and I found it in my first dance teacher, Marcella.

Marcella was a best friend and like an older sister to me in a way because she could

easily discern what I was feeling. She had known what was going on all these years and

could see past the façade of a happy family portrait and the perfect dance career. WhenJulie and I arrived back in Amsterdam, I went to the dance studio to see Marcella. The

sight of her made me well up immediately, as if she was the beacon of relief from my

burdens that I had so desperately sought. Even Marcella was taken aback by my sudden burst of emotion and asked me what I was so distraught over. I told Marcella that I didn’t

feel I could cut it anymore. I couldn’t keep up appearances any longer even though I

tried so hard to do it. I had grown numb to everything and I felt like a puppet in someoneelse’s play and I need to cut the strings and find my own path.

All Marcella said was, “You have to make sure you do what’s right for you and nobody

else”.

It felt good to hear that and I held it close to me determined to summon some action from

that sage advice as soon as possible.

Julie and I began our preparation for the European championships and Blackpool.

Though we hardly spoke, we still managed to do our warm-ups and lessons with Ruud. Ididn’t say anything, hoping that I could just get through all of this with minimal drama.

While I was watching TV a few weeks prior, I saw an interview on the Oprah Winfrey

show with Michael Jackson. It was pretty clear that Michael had had an unhappy



childhood or lack thereof. His adolescence had been sacrificed for fame and fortune. I

thought that here was a guy who really had everything he could ever wish for in the

world yet he looked so sad and helpless. Even though Michael was a much bigger celebrity than I was, I kind of felt like I could relate to his experiences; even if it was

within the tiny microcosm of the ballroom dance world. All I thought to myself was that

I didn’t want to end up like him and I needed to do something about it. Michael didn’tstop and look where he ended up. I started believing that maybe I needed to on grounds

of sanity and quality of life. Maybe being world champion would make me happy after

all and all of this was just an illusion. Somehow, my intuition told me otherwise.

During a pivotal instructional session, I tried to be focused and was present both mentally

and physically. Rudd was trying to get me to evoke emotion and include Julie in the

process. That part did not go so well and Ruud immediately sensed something waswrong and pulled me aside to address the issue. His confrontation was too much for me

to handle and I just broke down.

Julie was on the other side of the studio watching on as her partner totally lost emotionalcontrol and looked concerned over what was developing. I think deep down Julie knew

something was always amiss, but didn’t know how to approach the situation. Julie triedto inch closer to the situation and piece together what was being said in the flurry of

dialogue that ensued.

Though she couldn’t hear what was going on in detail, she could certainly read in between the lines. It was over…

I felt bad for her and even a bit selfish, but I just couldn’t cut it anymore. Ruud took usto his home where he and his life partner Peter sat us down and tried to calm us down.

Ruud asked me why I hadn’t said something earlier. Though he tried to make us feel

better, Ruud also had the responsibility to let me know the repercussions of my actions.He tried as best he could to be calm, but he was upset and justifiably so. Ruud stressed

that my decision at this juncture would jeopardize not only my career, but also Julie’s. I

hated myself for doing this and Ruud’s statements only made me feel guiltier. We weresupposed to be a team and I hadn’t included Julie or him in any of my internal

discussions and feelings. In the end I just simply froze. I had no experience dealing

with such powerful emotion and I was ill equipped to share much of anything to anyone.

When my parents got the news, the shit hit the fan. Although I understood their

disappointment over the situation, I was numbed to feeling with their hateful remarks.

“We’re not paying for anything anymore”, “You’ll never make it again”, “How could youdo this to us”, “What you are doing to Julie ”,“How could you be so selfish”, and “Your

career is over” are just SOME of the many wonderful things I had to listen to from my

parents.

I told Marcella the news and it was refreshing to see how she didn’t make a judgment on

my action. She stuck with her advice from before and told me if this is what I needed to

do for myself to gain balance again, then I needed to do it and it was ok.



I woke up the next day exhausted and emotionally empty. Did I make the right decision?

When news broke publicly about our cancellation out of the European Championships, illsentiment came from every part of the globe. One moment you’re the hero, next moment

you’re the villain.

All I heard was the same old story of how I was so selfish and how I made the worst

choice of my life. My parents wouldn’t talk to me, and I truly felt for Julie. I hoped one

day that both Ruud and Julie understood why I did what I did. For days I wondered if Imade the right decision and I never felt more lost and alone than I did then.

Few weeks past and things calmed down a bit, my parents started supporting me a bit

more and I also had time to reflect on my quest to become world champion. What Ifound was that for me personally, it just wasn’t worth it. It all went by too quickly and I

missed out on a world of knowledge and experience because of all the traveling and

competing. It was a vicious circle that I needed to stop.

I needed to do things, but it needed to be on my terms. And if I ever would try to become

a world champion again, it would have to be on my terms. As Ruud had always told me,“The Best Way is Your Own Way”.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

My friend had told me of a college that had training for the arts five days a week 8 hours

a day. Because I had training in classical dance, I was interested. The only problem was

you needed a high school diploma and I had stopped schooling at age 15 to startcompeting. My principal at the time sorted the paperwork so that it reflected I was in

school until 16. My friend’s father convinced the Director of the college to audition me.

The Director told me to show up for ballet class the following Friday morning followed by a modern class. I had always hated ballet and had no experience in modern, but I

wanted to get in so badly that I mustered the courage to audition. During the audition,

my head was spinning. I was excited because I felt this might be a chance to show theworld that I could do things my way and still be successful.

When I came out of the audition, I had no idea what the teachers thought and had not yet

received word of my fate from the Director. All I was told was to wait a few days. Soduring this time, I spent some quality time with my mother at the beach. It had been a

rare moment in time where I was not fighting with my mother and she could tell I was

much happier than I had been in months past.

I had no expectations regarding my acceptance into the college. With no high school

diploma and an audition in Ballet and Modern, I had the cards stacked against me. Idecided I couldn’t wait and during my beach excursion with my mom, I excused myself

to place a call to the college to see whether a decision had been made. I made the call

from the beach restaurant’s phone and I was so nervous, almost as if I was prepping for a

big competition. When I had heard the response that I had been accepted, I had a calm



victorious feeling flow over my body. I dropped the phone with tear of excitement in my

eyes. It was the first time I had successfully achieved something on my own without

anyone else’s input. I felt like a winner again and it felt like the world’s doors weresuddenly opening again.

When I came back down to the beach, I sat quietly down next to my mother and saidthree words, “I am in”. My mother was so happy and she started to cry which made me

well up as well. She hugged me and I swear it felt like the first hug I had received in my

life. It felt so good because it was sincere.

From then on, things were much better with my mother and me. I really enjoyed that

summer making up for lost time. I rekindled ties with family, and really started enjoying

my social life. It was perfect timing before I started my new life at the college. AlthoughI did not know what to really expect down the road, I was really looking forward to

learning new dances and experiencing new things.

I moved into the city of Amsterdam with two friends for life at the college. I loved everyminute of it…even if it only lasted for a few months.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

For a long time after, I stopped competing with Julie and I was told I would never get to

the same point in my career again. Day after day I would think back and wonder if Imade the decision in leaving my world class career with Julie. That made me even more

unhappy, lonely and more insecure.

But I was so much happier now and things at the University were going well. The days

of wondering became less and less as I grew more engrossed in my college activities. I

loved all the classes and the diversity; I even started appreciating ballet. It felt like yearshad passed in my training but really you learn everything in the first few months and after

that it is all about repetition and application. I guess I’m grateful for my good memory

that I could absorb everything I learned efficiently. I felt more confident about my progression as a well rounded dancer having developed poise, control and flexibility. I

was glad that I wasn’t missing out on any steps in my dance education and life for that

matter. I knew this was what I wanted to do and I felt great about it.

After a few months into intensive training I had a very important meeting with the

Artistic Director. In the conversation, she told me that I had the talent to be in any dance

company and even get on Broadway if I wanted to. All I needed to do was finish my four years at the college, but she also said that if I wanted to make good money and not live

paycheck to paycheck, audition to audition, I should consider returning to the world of

ballroom dancing. At first I didn’t like what she was saying. I didn’t want to hear it because I was happy with where I was at this point in my life. I did allow myself for a

moment to consider the possibility of returning to ballroom, but as soon as I entertained

that possibility, a voice echoed in my mind that reminded me that I may not actually be

able to recapture my former glory.



I wondered what my parents, Ruud, and Julie were going to say. Even though I had

finally regained some support from my parents, I figured they would never support melike they had in the past. Certainly Ruud would never want to teach me again after what I

did to him. I just pulled the plug on everything right in the middle of it all and Ruud had

poured all his energy into me, even while he was exceedingly busy with his own studiesat his University in London. The possibility of him ever mentoring me again seemed

slim. I became scared and insecure at the thought of approaching him, but I knew if I

was ever to make a comeback, I would have to face him sooner or later.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

Every second weekend of November, the Dutch Open is held. It is highly regardedamong the world’s championship events and is known for its atmosphere, great music,

and the best audience anywhere hands down.

I attended this competition just to check it out not really knowing what to expect. I was a bit nervous because I knew I would inevitably run into Ruud, Julie, and pretty much

everyone in the business at that competition; there really was just no way around it. Juliehad decided to turn professional and was dancing with a new professional status partner.

This was to be Julie’s first competition since our split.

I was nervous entering the ballroom because I didn’t know what kind of reaction I wouldget. It had been at least half a year since I had been to a competition or pretty much

spoken to anyone from the industry. It felt like it had been years but I felt excited to be

there and to watch the competition.

When I went up to Ruud I expected a colder reaction during the encounter but he was

much more cordial than I anticipated and asked how I had been doing. During our conversation, Ruud admitted that he understood why I had decided to stop dancing and

actually thought that my decision was not necessarily a bad one. I think he realized that

you just simply cannot produce your best if you’re unhappy doing what you’re doing. A philosophy he has always preached has been that you have to mentally, physically, and

emotionally involved in what you are doing, or else it just won’t be the best you can do.

Ruud told me admired the fact that I had gone out on my own and gained experience inother forms of dance and made a point to educate myself in movement. It felt good to

receive praise from him regarding my decision because I held an enormous amount of

respect for the man. The conversation with Ruud made me rest assured that everythingwould be fine and that I had in fact made the right choice in leaving competitive ballroom

dance. While Ruud and I watched the Amateur Latin round, Ruud could sense that my

excitement and curiosity for ballroom had not diminished despite my departure from it.Seizing on the moment, Ruud casually offered an unsolicited opinion that perhaps I

should consider coming back to compete. Ruud made it so easy to feel like nothing had

happened and that made everything easier.



Ruud and I talked for a long time after and reflected on what had happened in the past

two years. He agreed it had gone quick, something we didn’t expect because we were

completely wrapped up in the whole mess.

Further capitalizing on the moment, Ruud pointed at two girls during the competition that

he felt might be a good fit for me. I liked both, but the one girl, from Germany, I thoughtwould be too tall for me. The other girl was perfect in terms of height and I loved the

way she moved, but there were two rather glaring problems: 1) She had a partner 2) Her

partner was Julie’s boyfriend.

I had already caused enough chaos in Julie’s world. To ask this girl of all girls, and

inconvenience her boyfriend’s dancing career, it just seemed inappropriate. God, and

what would Julie think about all this? I had so quickly left the limelight and all of suddenhere I was again. I just felt bad about the whole situation. Ruud, knowing the situation at

hand, suggested that he would talk to the girl on my behalf to see if she was even

interested. No one would question Ruud’s inquiry.

Turns out she was extremely interested in Ruud’s proposition and within two weeks I left

the University to start a new journey with a new partner in the ballroom world, with arenewed sense of vigor.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

I made a promise to myself that this time I was going to do it my way and not be pushed

around by anyone. I would express my feelings so everyone involved would know how I

was doing emotionally. This would allow me to have the balance I needed.

I had not spoken to Julie or her boyfriend, but I’m pretty sure they were pissed off at me

during that time and I can’t say I blamed them.

This new partnership was very interesting and I was intrigued by my partner’s beautiful

and mature movements. She was only 19, but danced like a woman well beyond her years. I liked how we had such a good internal connection. What I didn’t know at the

time was that it was also a very spiritual connection.

The choreography Ruud gave us was very different and experimental. At our first major competition, we didn’t make it to the finals but we didn’t exactly get bad results either.

But after a few months of this, it started getting old fast and I was actually starting to get

irritated by this. Maybe I was more competitive than I had let on even though I had saidinitially professed that it didn’t matter to me. I guess seeing other couples make the finals

and leave us in the dust, that a year ago couldn’t even touch Julie and I, stung a bit. Since

I was becoming increasingly bothered by it, I decided that I was going to talk to my partner about changing our approach in order for us to have a chance at winning it all.

Ruud witnessed this dynamic happening and devised his own solution to the issue…he

suggested perhaps I should reunite with Julie



<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

I guess for sometime Ruud had been operating stealthily in the background and had took

the liberty of speaking with Julie. Somehow he managed to persuade her to consider the

proposition which was shocking since I was all but positive Julie probably wantednothing to do with me ever again. Turns out that although Julie had turned professional

in order to dance with a former world champion, she hated the partnership which I guess

worked to my advantage.

So while Julie and I still had our “partnerships”, Ruud, Julie, and I met up in private to

discuss the possibility of reunification. It was strange seeing Julie after not seeing her for

so long and the initial meeting was rather tense. Ruud had us both talk about whathappened from each of our perspectives. Julie really let it all out and told me how much I

had hurt her and that her career was over in a flash. I also had the chance to share my

own thoughts regarding the unending pressure and the lack of control in my own life

because of the competitive dancing. Before she would agree to anything, Julie asked whythings would be different this time around because she did not want this to happen to her

again a second time. I told her that it had been a year since we had been together and thatwe’ve both grown as individuals and as dancers. We both learned a lot about ourselves in

that time and how we each do things. Julie seemed to accept that explanation.

As a gesture of goodwill, Ruud made me get on my knees and beg Julie to take me back as her partner which I did, which Julie enjoyed very much. Julie had grown a lot more

assertive in the past year and was much more forward with what she wanted. She made

me promise to always be open with her and to never act like I had acted in years pass. Igave her my word and she gave me hers.

Though it is hard to imagine, by the end of the conversation, all three in the room believed that perhaps our separation at the time was the best thing for us. By now the

atmosphere of the room had lightened up a bit and we were joking around with each other

towards the end of the conversation.

We had decided to reunite and our partnership was born again.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

This would be a difficult road and we would certainly have all odds against us.

I had stopped dancing for a year and Julie had turned pro. In some countries, there are

loose stipulations about professionals returning back to amateur status and often require a

12 month waiting period before allowing such transition. Julie and I dancing together inAmateurs would no doubt upset quite a few people in the industry.

Julie had split with her partner and I had to tell mine. I setup a meeting between Ruud,

her and I. I was not looking forward to this meeting but I needed to let her know what



was going on. Once I told her, I was very surprised by her reaction. She told me that she

understood what was happening and was happy that Julie and I were getting back

together. She told me that we needed to dance together. I was so amazed by her character and her maturity. It was very admirable and we gave each other a big hug at the

end of the conversation. Truth is, I did enjoy dancing with her but I was just way too

competitive for her.

Once we Julie and I started, the pace picked up quickly. This time though, I felt better

prepared to handle the pressure, because we were doing things our way and not lettingtoo many outside forces influence us.

As we enjoyed our reformed partnership, Julie and I came upon a lot of obstacles

especially with the whole amateur/professional status issue. There were many couplesand dance community individuals that tried to bar us from competing and many

demanded for us to wait a full year before competing.

Not wanting to just sit there and take this, Julie and I decided to fight the outcry.Searching for aid in this matter, we went to our dance association in Holland to seek

guidance. Unlike the UK or other European countries, we were happy to discover thatour dance association had no rule regarding professionals returning to amateur status. We

were able to bypass the stipulation because we represented the Netherlands and so Dutch

rules superceded English law even though Julie was British. In order to appease ever

growing complaints from international dance associations, the Dutch dance associationcreated a less stringent rule about status transition calling for only a three month

probationary period. No one could say anything because there wasn’t any other law

currently in existence in regards to that matter. During our three month “probationary period” we were allowed to compete in smaller competitions.

Interestingly enough, the association passed the motion just a little over three months before the Dutch national championships, therefore allowing us to compete in the major

competition just in the nick of time. It was a curious coincidence but one that worked in

our favor. I guess in the end the Dutch dance association was happy that we were able toget back together.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

During this entire time, we competed in a series of competitions that would slowly begin

changing people’s perceptions once again.

Some people were skeptical, some were happy. Most of the judges didn’t really look at

our dancing objectively because they looked down on Julie returning to amateur and my

hiatus from dancing. They tried to send a message through their judging marks that wecouldn’t just waltz in here (pun intended) and get everything back that we once had. To

add fuel to the fire, the judges also disliked the new look that I was sporting; a ponytail.

Back then, no competitor wore their hair in a ponytail and I certainly didn’t do it to be

rebellious. Nevertheless, it was frowned upon as was most everything else we did.



When we came out onto the floor of our first minor competition there was more

excitement from the audience than we expected. I guess the audience was more forgivingof what happened in the past than I had anticipated. The judges were less forgiving. In

rapid succession we received 51 second places and 4 firsts. That basically meant that all

judges except one put us in second. This also meant that we had now been beaten by aDutch couple that 2 years prior wouldn’t have been able to touch us. This Dutch couple

was now the current champions and had taken our spot at the top. Even though we were

disappointed, it actually made us stronger and more inspired to continue fighting for our way of dancing.

After the New Year, we prepared for the UK Championships. It was our first

International competition since we reunited and the flak over Julie’s amateur return andmy new “look” did not cease. I had since added an additional aspect to my new “look”;

rolled up sleeves. None of these choices mind you were meant to purposely defy the

“system”, but it was more for functionality. The judges unfortunately viewed my choice

more as defiance than anything else.

To make matters worse our choreography at the time was quite different from the typicalroutines of the day. I had included many flexible and dynamic elements within our

routine, but none of what we produced was completely appreciated. We did not make the

final and even received comments suggesting that maybe we should consider toning

down our choreography as a way towards improving our results.

We were disappointed, but again our resolve would not be swayed and only made us want

to go further with what we were doing. We in a sense became rebels within the ballroomcommunity. The criticism never stopped regarding Julie’s professional status, our

choreography or my choices in grooming/fashion. But together with Ruud and Julie, we

just didn’t care. Our mission was to deliberately force the judges to look at our dancingrather than anything else.

Slowly but surely the results came. Competition by competition we became stronger andstronger and eroded the wall of criticism that had greeted us at the start of our journey. A

month after the UK Championships, the Dutch National Championships was upon us.

The other Dutch couple who had beaten us prior in the smaller competition was inattendance and had made the final along with us. We were determined to overcome them

and it was almost as if it was like some western movie showdown. Half the audience

was for them, the other half was for us. Both families even handed out balloons to theaudience in the colors of our respective costumes to garner additional support. The

competition was fierce and though our Dutch competitors fell during their Rumba, they

ended up winning the competition, having won three dances to our two. It was alreadyvery promising because the gap was narrowing and we were happy about the result going

into the French, European and World Championships that were coming up.



Three weeks later we had the French Open in Paris with some major international couples

and our main Dutch rivals. It was still kind of weird being beaten by many of these

couples who we had easily bested in years past, but we did ultimately manage to securethird place behind our Dutch rivals in second place and a German couple who were slated

to become the next world champions in first. This result was even closer than our

previous competition. We had both ended up winning two dances and shared one. Our rivals won narrowly by securing more second places than we did but the result was very

encouraging.

Things were going well and Julie and I seemed to be making a lot of progress. Finally

we were on the path back to our glory days. When I returned from Paris, I was ready to

take on the remaining competitions and prove that we were in top form. But before I

could continue this journey, I received some devastating news that would affect megreatly.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

Right after the Dutch National Championships, I went on a skiing vacation with students

and friends from Marcella’s studio. It was a trip I insisted upon and it was part of mynew plan to keep my social life intact. I figured having occasional breaks would make

me hunger more for excellence when I returned. During the trip, my good friend

Marcella had fallen ill. She did not know what was wrong exactly, but she knew deep

down it wasn’t good. It turns out for a year and a half she had a cancerous growthinternally. She was told to give up dancing for her health, but she proved everyone

wrong but maintaining her dancing. For a time, the cancerous growth even seemed to be

in remission.

Her illness during the ski trip renewed her fear in the worst and she decided to undergo

tests upon her return which took several weeks to process. I felt uneasy the entire car ride back from the trip and couldn’t shake the feeling that something about the situation felt

more grave than it let on.

Unfortunately my worries proved well founded as it was discovered that Marcella had an

aggressive terminal liver cancer in a progressed stage. Marcella was told she had at most

three months to live.

I cried as I was devastated. This woman was an icon of healthy living. Marcella never

drank, never smoked, ate right and in general lived a healthy lifestyle. At the tender age

of 34, it was too early for her to go.

Since the age of 10 Marcella had been my great supporter and one of the most important

people in my life. Now we were at a point of no return and I needed to find a way to physically say goodbye within three months to the woman who had meant so much to

me.



Though she faced her own fate, Marcella remained upbeat and strong. She wanted as few

people to know as possible. For those that did know, Marcella wanted everyone to be

happy and not to be worried about her condition. She would rather enjoy her time leftand wanted to be as active as possible. She even judged the largest National Competition

that was organized by Ruud. She went shopping for a very expensive dress for the event

and looked absolutely stunning in her “last dress”. It was both happy and sad to seeMarcella judging that competition. On one hand I was happy she was so strong and

looking so stunning. On the other hand, I knew that it was a façade and that Marcella

was dying inside.

Each passing day things became more emotional. Marcella’s liver cancer had spread

throughout her body. My thoughts were always with her no matter what I was doing,

competing, or otherwise. It didn’t help that I was one of the few people who kept her tragic secret hidden from the world. At times I just wanted to scream out and let the

world know my anger and sadness. It just wasn’t fair that the good ones always seemed

like the first to go.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

All this emotion in an odd way gave Julie and I an edge. When we danced the German

Master Gala, we surprisingly came in second behind the world champion German couple,

ahead of our Dutch rivals.

Although we were happy with the result, my mind was really on Marcella’s condition

back home. It had been two months since her fatal diagnosis and it was clear that she

was deteriorating quickly. Blackpool was on the horizon and we were worried thatMarcella might pass on while we were competing in England. Marcella knew of our

concern and urged us to continue onto Blackpool even though she knew we were worried.

It was the way she always wanted things to be and so we did end up deciding to competein Blackpool.

I remember my last conversation with Marcella. It was three days prior to her passingand by now Marcella looked almost unrecognizable due to her condition. Her stomach

had protruded out to gross proportions due to the cancerous growth, looking as if she was

pregnant. I collapsed in her arms and told her how she could not leave and I guess my

flood of emotion caused Marcella to well up as well. We spent quite a time in each othersarms just appreciating each other’s company. It was a bittersweet moment, so painful but

happy that Marcella seemed ready to face her fate. Many close friends dropped by during

this time to spend what little quality time they had left with her. It was uncertain whenshe would pass but we knew it was coming soon.

It was on a Sunday night around 8 PM that I received the call from Marcella’s brother.He told me that Marcella had passed on.

I can’t remember ever crying so hard. I just could not fathom a world without my best

friend. The idea of not seeing her or to hear her voice gently offering kind words or sage



advice was unbearable. We all knew this moment would come but it’s just not something

anyone is ever prepared for. All the people that knew of Marcella’s condition showed up

immediately at Marcella’s house to pay their respects.

It was going to be hard to break the news to all of Marcella’s students and employees of

the dance studio she ran. After spending sometime discussing how the matter should best be handled, we decided that a group should go to the studio to collectively offer the sad

news.

The students and employees knew something was wrong, but didn’t know things were

this serious. There had been inklings on and off that something was going on such as

when Marcella’s husband Oos suddenly left mid-lesson to attend to Marcella during her

final minutes of life. Everyone at the studio was visibly concerned with the suddendeparture but no one really knew what was going on.

We brought everyone into the studio office and I was the one to break the news officially.

I found it hard to summon the strength to relay such a sad development but managed toget through it. Once I delivered the news, a torrent of emotion swept through the room.

On one hand I felt bad that the members of the studio had to hear about the news this wayand were denied the opportunity to personally say their goodbyes. On the other hand,

this was Marcella’s wish and so I had to respect that. Marcella died two weeks prior to

Blackpool and funeral services were held a week prior.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

I was an emotional wreck and was considering not dancing Blackpool. Julie and I had been closer than we ever were to regaining our former glory, but Marcella’s passing

weighed heavily on our decision. Julie knew what Marcella meant to me and even to her.

Marcella was the bedrock when our foundations were shaky and we spent so much timewith her sometimes even staying at her home when things were rough on the home front.

Marcella was a guide, a friend, and a colleague of the highest form. Even with all this

going on, in the end we knew that we had to do Blackpool. Marcella would have wantedit that way.

During our preparations for Blackpool, I was also involved in the funeral services. It was

very cathartic to grieve but also to heal at the same time. Marcella was to be buried in thefinal blue dress that she had bought for herself when she learned of her diagnosis. The

music selected, “Without You” by Mariah Carey, was very emotional because it was one

of Marcella’s favorite songs. We were asked to dance a Rumba at the funeral to the songwhich we willingly obliged. The funeral played host to hundreds of people that came to

pay their respects. So many people that attended that the room could not contain

everyone; a first for the funeral home. This was visual proof of the kind of effectMarcella had on people.

This was the last time that we would ever see Marcella. It was a beautiful ceremony and

Marcella’s father gave a moving speech. Julie and I were in the first row and were



moved to tears. When the song started playing in quiet salute, Julie and I stood up and

approached the coffin. Once we arrived at Marcella’s side, we let the music flow into our

bodies and began to dance our Rumba. It felt like an out of body experience because wewere really just listening and sensing, as if Marcella was taking us on a ride. There was

no choreography just pure inspiration and we danced like we’ve never danced before.

After we concluded our performance, we sat back down and the well of emotion returned.Julie and I had offered up our special way of saying goodbye to Marcella.

1500 people marched in procession as Marcella was carried to her final resting place.Everyone offered green and yellow flowers (her favorite colors) at her burial site. It was

a painful yet beautiful site.

After all services had concluded, we gathered along with some close friends at Marcella’shouse to socialize and remember the lady that had so touched our hearts. In a way it was

sort of a good therapy session for everyone in attendance. Everyone was sad but

comforted by the fact that they all had the privilege of knowing such a remarkable

woman.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

2 days later, Julie and I were off to Blackpool. During our performance, we kept

Marcella in our hearts. We decided to dedicate our performance to Marcella. Julie hadselected a dress that was yellow; Marcella’s favorite color. Sometimes the emotion

would almost get the better of the both of us and it was clear we were here on a different

plane versus every other couple there, a more spiritual one. What we were competing for was so much greater than any trophy. We never had any thoughts set on making the final

yet somehow, we ended up doing so.

We were elated at making the finals once more but somber from the very recent and very

real loss of someone so close. The audience couldn’t really tell what was going on with

us but they appreciated the performance. Though there were times I felt guilty aboutenjoying this moment, I know this is exactly what Marcella would have wanted. I knew

deep inside Marcella was watching from above and I looked up to acknowledge her gaze.

I wanted her to know that this performance was completely for her. In this one

performance for Marcella, we had secured our best result ever, 3 rd in all dances.

I guess that is one of the beauties of dance is that you can convey any emotion without

limitation.

Coming back home from Blackpool, Julie and I collectively agreed to take it easier for a

little while so that we could take time for ourselves and also to grieve. I spent lots of time with friend and Marcella’s husband Oos. We talked about Marcella and reminisced

which proved to be very therapeutic.



I’ve never been spiritual and generally have been skeptical to all things religious. I did

however, allow myself to consider the possibility of life beyond this one. My curiosity

grew especially after I received a book from a friend of mine entitled, “The Earth is just aLearning School”. My friend recommended that I read it to hopefully help me get

through this difficult time. She believed that the book explained a bit about the Afterlife

and it could help answer some of my burning questions. Though I entered very doubtfulof the whole situation, the book was fascinating and I devoured it in two days.

Even though I was still skeptical, the book did paint a pretty vision of what heaven could be like and it was great to picture Marcella there. I started looking into other books on

spirituality as a means of dealing with tough issues in life such as Marcella’s passing and

even the conflicts that I had with my parents. Another book James Redfield’s, “Celestine

Prophecy” had a profound impact on me. It made me feel good about my past decisionsand that perhaps everything had its place in life. The greatest thing I took away from this

literature was that I should always follow my instincts. You can be smart and intellectual

but it’s your intuition that advances you in life and helps you find your true self and

happiness. I shared my thoughts and impressions with my friends and it was a good wayfor me to deal with my problems. I used Marcella’s passing as inspiration to live life to

the fullest.

I felt like a different person. Though I was competitive in my dancing, I started to see a

shift in my priority more towards achieving quality of life. This would have a profound

impact of my dancing even if it was to come later on.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

You only regret things you didn’t do and not things you did. I never really appreciated

the depth of this idea until I started making goals for accomplishment in my life. I did

not want to be on my death bed wondering about things that I did not get a chance to doin life or was too scared to move on.

I had in times past, I had expressed my wish to move to New York City to study danceand theater in the greatest city in the world. I still wanted to go after all this time though

Julie was a bit hesitant and took some convincing. After a bit of discussion, Ruud

thought it would be an excellent idea as long as we maintained our practicing and took

authentic Latin dance classes in New York. Julie agreed to go for the summer (whichended up being only two months).

During the end of June beginning of July we flew to New York and stayed in a downtownloft which was an amazing experience. We took so many classes in Swing, Hustle, Salsa,

Jazz, Dance Theatre and the list went on and on. When we were not in class, we

practiced at my friend’s dance studio. We had a lot of fun that summer and I fell in lovewith New York City. During the summer we even had visitors including Marcella’s

husband and a girl friend of mine that came into New York City for vacation.



New York City was so much fun that we became a bit lax in our practicing despite Ruud’s

warnings. I seriously didn’t have practice on my mind and really was in vacation mode

more than anything. Time went by so fast that before you knew it was already the beginning of September.

Little did I know that we would be in for some bit of trouble when we got back toworking on our routines again. But that was later on and Julie and were enjoying

ourselves and on the same page.

At the beginning of September, we competed in a world competition in Miami but we

were totally unprepared. We figured no top couples would be there and that we would

easily blow past any competition that was there. We were wrong. I guess the lesson in

life would be to always be prepared.

There was a couple there that came in fourth behind us in Blackpool. It was quite a

shock and blow to our ego when we lost four out of five dances to them and ended up in

second place behind them. We had assumed that we would easily overcome them givenour skill and status from previous performances, but we were wrong.

It was a humbling experience to go through but we knew deep down that it was our own

fault and that we had no one to blame but ourselves.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

On the plane ride back to home, Julie and I didn’t speak a word because we were both

upset at the result of the Miami competition. We made a silent vow that we would never allow this to happen again. And so in the coming days leading up to the 2nd Master Gala

in Germany, we committed to working hard. No one needed to push us because we

wanted it and we were hungry.

New York had given us a summer to relax and enjoy, but we felt the edge of

competitiveness creeping up. At the Master Gala in Germany we were so determined to put on our best performance ever. The couple that had trounced us in Miami was there

along with the top German couple that earned 2nd place at the UK Championships. From

the moment we stepped out onto the floor we knew that we were going to give it our all.

So, as it turns out, not only did we beat the couple that defeated us in Miami, but we alsodefeated the German couple as well!

It was a tremendous result, but we knew not to rest on our laurels again. The EuropeanChampionships were just two weeks away and we had to focus in order to ensure a good

performance there. We found ourselves excited, even more so than when we prepared for

our first national competition ever. I saw this turn of events as a form of a one timespiritual gift (maybe from Marcella) designed to set our course straight after veering off

slightly.



Although we came in second behind the German couple at the European Championships,

we were very close to them taking two of the three dances from them. Julie and I were

very content with our results and performance. On top of that the audience was the mostreceptive it had ever been and that was very gratifying.

We had another British championship that followed shortly after but it was not verysignificant. Though we danced well, the placements were the same: Australian couple in

1st, German couple in 2nd and us in 3rd.

But we were fine with 3rd place. It had been a good year for us and we had fought our

way back into world champion contention and back into people’s hearts. Our industry

made no more comments about Julie’s return to Amateur status and I was allowed to do

whatever I wanted in terms of my grooming and fashion sense. Whether we would endup being world champions would be anyone’s guess.

With the World Championships in Germany looming on the horizon, we were ready to

make our presence felt.

<NEW CHAPTER BREAK>

At the championships in Stuttgart, Germany, the German couple that we had competed

against all year was the clear favorite to win due to home-field advantage. The top

Australian couple hardly ever competed on the European continent, but was present for this major championship. There was also a second German couple that was working their

way up the ranks that was worth watching.

Germany goes by a visual marking system in which marks are displayed after every

dance so in effect everyone can follow the marking developments as they are judged.

We had worked very hard for the two weeks leading up to this competition with Ruud.

We really focused our attention on the dancing itself. Ruud was very much keen on

getting us as far away from the pressure of competition as possible. He believed if wedid not have competition on our minds but rather just on giving our best to the dance, we

would be unstoppable.

You can probably imagine how lonely it felt to be competing against the German couplethat had home-field advantage. To add to that, we were coming into this competition as

the 2nd overall placed national couple from Holland. We were somewhat worried that this

fact would be a detriment on our overall perception. The rival Dutch couple that we hadcompeted against so fiercely had recently just gone professional so they were not there to

represent.

At the competition we did not really have any supporters with us, ten in all to be exact.

Mostly it was just our family members, but they were all part of our team. Each person

had a role in contributing to the situation.



We made the final.

With that, we were set to begin our run for the top in the finals competition.

The Cha-Cha was first up and we danced well though the German couple received the

majority of firsts, followed by the Australian couple and us rounding out the top three.

Samba was next and we secured 2nd place on this dance with the German couple coming

in 1st and the Australian couple coming in 3rd.

The Rumba was up next and that is where the tide began to turn in our favor. The

German couple received 3rd while the Australian couple received no first place markings.

We had taken the Rumba and the audience arose in thunderous applause which was

surprising considering that this was Germany.

I tried not to get excited but I couldn’t help but feel exuberant. We had never ever beatenthe German or Australian couples in anything…did we actually have a chance here at the

Worlds? Only two dances to go.

The Paso Doble was next and it was also my favorite dance. The audience was

progressively swinging more in our favor and I started gaining some confidence which

was good for the Paso. The performance went smoothly and once again the Germansonly got a handful of top ranking marks. This meant that the Germans had once again

had failed to take the dance. The Australians and the second German couple were poised

to possibly overtake them.

When the results were revealed for our marks, we discovered we had received the

majority of the top ranking marks. Whatever ended up happening, based off of the waythe marks came, we had secured a minimum of second place going into the final dance,

the Jive.

By this point Ruud was getting very animated and we could not figure out why. We had

figured that since we took 3rd in the Cha-Cha there would be no way we could bounce

back from it all. But we weren’t counting, Ruud was.

When all marks were revealed for the Paso Doble, Ruud ran over to us and literally

screamed at the top of his lungs, “How can you be so calm!? If you fucking win this Jive

you will be the new World Champions!”

Julie and I were both a bit bewildered by it all and didn’t know whether to believe Ruud

or not. To go back now and do the calculations ourselves, would take too much time andwe still had a Jive to do. Hearing Ruud’s final comment to us before we went onto the

floor, I was nervous, confused, excited and determined.



The Jive went by so fast. It really was a blur because I danced that Jive like my life

depended on it and I couldn’t even tell you what happened exactly. It was over before it

began would probably be the best way to put it.

Waiting for those final Jive scores was probably one of the most nerve-racking

experiences of my life. Minutes ago we were already elated to be second in thiscompetition. Now, the possibility of winning the entire thing was just too much to take in

all at once.

The German couple was the first to receive their marks and they received more second

place markings than first. This meant that if any couple would get the top mark from any

single judge, they would be the next world champions. The Australians were next and

they received no top marks, mainly thirds and even some fourths. The other Germancouple got some second place and third place marks but once again no top marks.

Our marks went up. The audience shook the floor with their screams.

We did not even know yet what actually just happened. But when the cards turned to

face us and Julie and me both saw four top marks we realized that we had won.

I thought it was a dream but it wasn’t.

We both made it to the center of the floor to take in the adulation from the audience. BothJulie and I broke out in tears. It was such an amazing moment for us. It was made even

sweeter because we had managed to win over the German audience. The German couple

came over to congratulate us and I felt a little guilty that we had just bested them in frontof their fans.

It was almost surreal and people were coming up to us to congratulate us from all parts of the dance floor. Julie and I barely registered what was actually happening because we

were still in a bit of a shocked state. I still thought that maybe the count was wrong and

at any moment they would make the announcement. The official scoreboard lit up places1-6 starting with 6th place.

As the scoreboard climbed to third place and revealed Australia in the placement, I got a

bit nervous. It wasn’t until Germany appeared in 2nd place that I finally let go of myworry and let all the positive energy come in. We had won and there was no doubt

remaining.

When the announcement was made that Julie and I were the new World Champions I

thought of all the times people had told me that I couldn’t do it and that my career as a

competitive dancer was over. What I learned was that it isn’t over until YOU decide it’sover. It was such a long tough fight but we did it and overcame all odds doing it our way;

ponytail and all.



I reflected back over the past 11 months and confirmed my beliefs that if you really

wanted something and committed your mind to it, you could achieve it. Life may take

you on a ride but you stay true to your goal and true to yourself, you will get it; probablywhen you least expect it. Before I had wanted to push so much and was controlled by

outside forces impressing their version of what they envisioned success to be. When I

didn’t force the situation, I really started getting somewhere.

We were ourselves and stuck to one game plan with one coach and mentor, Ruud. As the

national anthem played in the background, I felt as if the spirit of Marcella was watchingfrom above and I knew she had not missed this moment. This result was a gift from

heaven in a lot of ways and Julie and I looked at each other still with a mixture of

happiness and disbelief in our eyes as we stood on the podium.

Believe in what you do and see it through.

Stay true to yourself and your goals.

Persistence is what gives your career the stamina to go on.

At that moment I felt that the year had brought about a sense of balance; complete with

equal parts tragedy and achievement.

For our honor dance, we performed the Rumba and I swear I was in another world again.

I had just experienced a once in a lifetime moment that ended with the thunderousapplause of an endlessly appreciative audience.

Julie and I hugged each other as we exited the floor.

The last thing I remember prior to leaving the floor was looking up to the ceiling and

saying, “This was for you.”

Louis's Memoirs EDITED (COMPLETE)

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