@LHUEagleEye / LHUEagleEye Follow us! lhueagleeye.wordpress.com lhueagleeye.tumblr.com APRIL FOOLS What we’ve got this week: [email protected] Llama Mama The Lock Haven University Lifestyles (42) News (42) A&E (42) See Page 42 Op-Ed (42) KILLER KOALA
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@LHUEagleEye / LHUEagleEyeFollow us! lhueagleeye.wordpress.com lhueagleeye.tumblr.com
APRIL FOOLS
What we’ve got this week:
Llama Mama ������ �
�� ������
���� �� ���
The Lock Haven University
Lifestyles (42)
News (42)
A&E (42)
See Page 42
Op-Ed (42)KILLER KOALA
February 31, 2025News2
Staff List
Editor-in-Chief:Patches O’Houlihan
Managing Editor:Judge Judy
ƚŚĞƌƵůŝŶŐŝƐĮŶĂůΛĂŽů͘ĐŽŵ�
News Editor:Miranda Priestly
Arts & Entertainment Editors:�ƵƐƟŶ�WŽǁĞƌƐ
[email protected]^ĐĂƌůĞƩ�K͛,ĂƌĂ
Lifestyles Editor:Elizabeth Swan
Opinion Editors:Janis Joplin
[email protected] Granger
Sports Editors:The Dude
[email protected] Montana
Online Editors:Dr. Frankenfurter
[email protected] Poppins
Social Media Manager:James Bond
Ads Manager:�ƵīLJ�^ƵŵŵĞƌƐ
Senior Copy EditorKatniss Everdeen
Copy Editors:<Ăƚ�^ƚƌĂƞŽƌĚ
[email protected] Turnblad
ŐŽŽĚŵŽƌŶŝŶŐďĂůƟŵŽƌĞΛŬĐŶĞƚ͘ĐŽŵRegina George
Adviser:Dolores Umbridge
Susie ElgertonEmployed, Kinda [email protected]
Students at Lock Haven University have been cam-
paigning for years to get the university to restore funding
WR�KXPDQLWLHV�SURJUDPV�DQG�LW�VHHPV�WKH\·OO�ÀQDOO\�EH�JHW-ting their wish.
The administration announced plans
late Tuesday to begin phasing out sci-
ence and technology programs at the
VFKRRO��HOHFWLQJ�WR�EHFRPH�WKH�ÀUVW�RI�the PASSHE schools to focus exclu-
sively on programs in the human-
ities.
In a press release, the school
outlined a two-year plan to elim-
inate all non-humanities pro-
grams and majors, as well as
to help now displaced students
transfer out to other institutions
of higher learning.
It also means that as early as
the upcoming fall semester, students
will see massive rejuvenation efforts
ÀQDQFLDOO\�DQG�LQ�WHUPV�RI�PDQSRZHU�IRU�arts programs, including the theatre, dance
and philosophy programs.
The school has also announced intentions of institut-
ing more progressive models and methods of learning,
citing concerns that the liberal arts aspect of the college
experience at LHU has been bastardized in recent years
by budget cuts and the realignment – or misalignment – of
educational goals and expectations for students.
:KLOH�RIÀFLDOV�DUH�VWD\LQJ�RII� WKH�UHFRUG�RQ�WKH�PDW-ter, credible rumors have also been circulating that in an
effort to introduce a radically new learning environment,
the school intends to seek approval from the federal gov-
ernment to legally sanction the use of all psychoactive sub-
stances on campus.
Critics are appalled at the possibility that their tax
dollars might soon be funding what one has said will “dis-
solve into a bunch of degenerate, bleeding-hearts, tweaked
out on LSD, naked, running around the bell tower.”
In defense of such projections, similar rumors have
been heard saying the school would like to be-
come a clothing-optional learning environ-
ment.
Rumors also say that the school
would like to do away with the tradi-
tional grading system for assessment.
This will be the hardest change to
make, with the longest bureaucratic
process of all the rumored changes,
according to our research.
Without a formal standard of as-
sessment, the school could risk losing
its accreditation, a potentially prob-
lematic position for PASSHE’s new
and only humanities-centric school to
risk putting itself in.
Relatively few complaints have been
heard about the changes the school plans
to make from the affected non-humanities stu-
dents, who cite with resounding unanimity the col-
lege’s ineffectiveness in catering to science and technology
programs. Students and professors of the humanities are,
as one might expect, resoundingly thrilled.
More formalized plans are expected to be released to
the public sometime in early summer as faculty members
FRQYHQH�DQG�ÀQDOL]H�DQ\�XQPDGH�GHFLVLRQV��Students are encouraged to submit any ideas or
thoughts about the school’s new plans by way of the Eagle
Eye, which administrators feel is the best way for students
to get their ideas out into the LHU community.
LHU to eliminate Bachelor of Science
Wednesday, April 1Zayn Malik’s First Solo ConcertRussell Lawn 2:37 p.m.
!ursday, April 2Patrick Stewart Presents:Acting 101Sloan 321, 5 p.m.
Miley Cyrus’ Twerk it OutRec Center Dance Studio9 p.m.
Friday, April 3SharknadoPrice Auditorium 7 p.m.
Saturday, April 4Debate: Best Cheetos FlavorHosted by the Longboarding ClubBegins at 2:10 in Bentley
Sunday, April 5Airhorn Club Meeting8 a.m. Fairview Lawn
Monday, April 6I Don’t !ink I Want to Graduate Anymore:A free Seminar7th Floor Robinson 10 a.m.
Tuesday, April 750 Cent vs. LudacrisAlbum DropRussell LawnWhenever they get around to it
What should I do this week?
February 5, 2015 Snapshots 3
Students on their daily commute to enjoy the delicious
food at Bentley have reported multiple sightings of Spiderman
GRLQJ�EDFN�ÁLSV�RII�WKH�EXLOGLQJ�DQG�UXQQLQJ�DURXQG�KXPPLQJ�his own theme song. Reports say that he has no idea just how
loudly he is humming and that the windows have become cov-
ered in handprints, obscuring the view of Smith Hall.
Residents of the Fairview Suites have reported that
QRQH� RI� )DLUYLHZ·V� 5$V� KDYH� EHHQ� DEOH� WR� NHHS�*RG]LOOD�TXLHW�GXULQJ�SRVWHG�TXLHW�KRXUV��5HVLGHQW�$VVLVWDQW�&LQG\�VDLG�� ´,W·V�EHFRPH�KDUG��EHFDXVH�ZH� FDQ·W� NHHS� WUDFN� LI�he is on the North or South side.” Residents report that
*RG]LOOD�VLWV�RXWVLGH�SOD\LQJ�JXLWDU�XQWLO�ODWH�LQ�WKH�QLJKW��but he only knows how to play “Wonderwall.”
$�%HVW�:HVWHUQ�HPSOR\HHH�UHSRUWHG�WKDW�0DF�0LOOHU�VKRZHG�up weeks early for his performance and checked in under a false
name. The same employee also reported that she believes she
VDZ�0LOOHU�ZHDULQJ�/XSLWD�1\RQJ·R·V�RQFH�PLVVLQJ�2VFDUV�GUHVV��:KHQ�FRQIURQWHG��0LOOHU�VDLG�´<HDK��,�ZRQ� LW� LQ�D�SRNHU�JDPH��+DYH�\RX�VHHQ�PH�LQ�WKLV�GUHVV"�,�ORRN�EDQJLQ·�µ�+RZHYHU��0LOO-er shallowly decided to return the dress after discovering the
SHDUOV�LW·V�PDGH�RI�DUH�DFWXDOO\�IDNH�
Students walking along the West Branch Susquehanna River
noted something out of the ordinary when they reported sight-
LQJV�RI�WKH�/RFK�1HVV�PRQVWHU���$IWHU�FDOOLQJ�LQ�1HVVLH�([SHUW�-LP�2·+RXOLJDQ��KH�VDLG�́ :H�KDYH�WR�GR�WHVWLQJ�WR�VHH�LI�WKLV�LV�LQ�IDFW�WKH�UHDO�1HVVLH�RU�MXVW�DQ�LQÁDWDEOH�SRRO�WR\�µ�6R�IDU��WHVWV�
have come back inconclusive.
February 5, 2015News4
Mike [email protected]
With housing selection having !nished up earlier last month, most returning students are con!-dent in where they will be living on campus next semester. However, due to Woolridge being closed for renovations and High and Gross halls being closed inde!nitely, this leaves a shortage of space for the incoming fresh-men.
When asked how they were going to handle this, Associate Dean of Stu-dent and Residence Life, Dr. Amy Cotner responded “Russell Hall is still a !ne, beautiful building. We’ve decided to move the incoming freshmen there until Woolridge is done.”
Anyone who has walked past Russell Hall recently has seen the large dumpsters out front of the building, and the signs in the doors warning of Asbestos inside of the now plastic covered entrances and windows.
"ere have also been numerous reports of how the building is no longer
up to code.Medical and
Chemical expert, Dr. Sal Manela is quoted in saying “As-
bestos is an icky, dangerous thing that can cause cancer of the lungs, or even worse! I wouldn’t even
let my pet raccoon live where Asbestos has been found.”"is makes for many concerned parents and incoming freshmen for the
fall semester of 2015. Since the school has announced this decision, many incoming freshmen have had second thoughts about coming to Lock Haven University to further their education.
“"e Asbestos is almost fully gone. "ere is no need to worry about it. Besides, students have been living in Russell hall for many years without any problem,” Morter Brick, one of the construction crew members work-ing on clearing out Russell Hall, said.
However, other members of the crew have reported otherwise. “"is just isn’t a good place for some poor kids to live,” one of the con-
struction crew members who wished to stay anonymous has stated. Hopefully this highly controversial decision will not a#ect admissions
for future semesters.
Russell Hall: The Reopening
“This just isn’t a good place for some poor kids to live.”
42April Fools, 2015 Police ReportsDate Time Location Description
3/31/2309 8:28 PM Ivy Lane Professor was seen running while wearing grey bathrobe, wizard’s hat and fake beard while shouting “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.
��������� ������$0� 38%� � 'UDJRQ�VHW�¿UH�WR�EXLOGLQJ� and singing “Uptown Funk”. � � � � � � 'UDJRQ�ÀHG�DQG�&DPSXV�� � � � � � 6HFXULW\�2I¿FHU�SXUVXHG�
���������� �����$0� 5RELQVRQ� 0DOH�VHHQ�SOXPPHWLQJ�IURP� � � � � � �WK�ÀRRU�ZLQGRZ��\HOOLQJ� “Don’t throw off her groove!.”� � � � � � 2I¿FHU�IROORZHG��VLQJLQJ�³,¶P� freeeeee faaaallllllling”
��������� ������$0� /RFN�+DYHQ� $�IHPDOH���GUHVVHG�LQ�RGG� University attire consisting of ‘jeans’ and a ‘tank top’ appeared� � � � � � WR�ZDUQ�VWXGHQWV�RI�D�WLPH�� � � � � � ZKHUH�D�FDPHO�DQG�DQ�HDJOH� � � � � � ZRXOG�¿JKW�LQ�D�KRUUL¿F�DQG�� � � � � � EORRG\�EDWWOH�WR�EHFRPH�WKH�� � � � � � XQLYHUVLW\�PDVFRW��
Jurassic Era Rawr! Rawr Rawr!
4/1/2015 9:00 AM Science Student brought illegal � � � � &HQWHU�� NRDOD�RQWR�FDPSXV�DQG� snuck it into genetic lab. Witnesses report hearing � � � � � � PDQLDFDO�ODXJKWHU�DV�WKH� koala was fed glowing eucalyptus leaves. Student was caught and directed to Student Life.
��������� �����$0� 6FLHQFH�� 2I¿FHUV�DWWDFNHG�E\�UDSLGO\� � � � &HQWHU�� JURZLQJ�.RDOD��$QLPDO�� � � � � � HVFDSHG�FDPSXV�VHFXULW\� and was last seen running towards North Fairview.
4/1/2015 9:20 AM Sloan Man clad only in his tighty � � � � � � ZKLWLHV�VWXPEOHG�RQWR�VWDJH and began singing. Drug use� � � � � � LV�VXVSHFWHG��2I¿FHU�MRLQHG�LQ
Date Time Location Description
��������� �����$0� 6WHYHQVRQ�� ���IRRW�.RDOD�FOLPEHG�WKH� Library carillion and grabbed Talon� � � � � � WKH�%DOG�(DJOH��2I¿FHUV�� � � � � � FRD[HG�.RDOD�GRZQ�XVLQJ� ecalyptus leaves and � � � � � � FRQWDFWHG�$QLPDO�&RQWURO�
4/1/2015 12:00 PM Area 9 Spaceship crashed into Parking nearby vehicles. Pilot was issued a parking ticket.
4/1/2015 1:00 PM Glennon Male was sitting on the� � � � � � KRRG�RI�&DPSXV�3ROLFH�689� When questioned, he said he just wanted to say Hi.
��������� �����30� %HQWOH\� $�YLROHQW�IRRG�¿JKW�HUXSWHG�LQ� � � � � � 8SSHU�%HQWOH\�&DIHWHULD�RYHU the food. Students � � � � � � VHHQ�WKURZLQJ�PDVKHG� potatoes and shouting “Give� � � � � � PH�7DFRV�RU�JLYH�PH�GHDWK�´�� � � � � � 2I¿FHUV�UHVSRQGHG�EXW�ZHUH incapacitated after they were� � � � � � SXPPHOHG�ZLWK�GLQQHU�UROOV�
��������� �����30� ,Y\�/DQH� )HPDOH�ODLG�GRZQ�RQ�JURXQG literally couldn’t even.
��������� �����30� (DVW�� � 7UROOH\�ZDV�KL�MDFNHG�E\� � � � &DPSXV� DQ�LWDOLDQ�SOXPEHU�LQ�UHG��ZKR� proceeded to drive away with students still on board. � � � � � � 2I¿FHUV�SXUVXHG��EXW�ZHUH� sent off road by banana peels and turtle shells. Driver escaped, shouting “It’s� � � � � � $�0H��0DULR�´
��������� �����30� 5XVVHOO�� 6SLGHU�0DQ�ZDV�VHHQ� Hall crawling up the side of the � � � � � � EXLOGLQJ��2I¿FHUV�UHVSRQGHG�� � � � � � EXW�6SLGHU�0DQ�UHIXVHG�WR�� � � � � � FRPSO\�
��������� ������30� 38%� � )HPDOH�FDXJKW�EUHDNLQJ�LQWR� � � � � � QHZVURRP�DQG�FODLPHG�WR�EH�� � � � � � D�WLPH�WUDYHOHU�ZKR�QHHGHG�� � � � � � WR�¿[�D�W\SR�LQ�WKH�(DJOH�(\H�
6 April 1, 2015Arts & Entertainment
Jeremiah Lombard
A&E Co-editor
The zombies are coming.Steven Spielberg has just announced that he will be directing a zombie
DSRFDO\SVH�ÀOP�ZLWK�SURGXFWLRQ�VWDUWLQJ�LQ�/RFN�+DYHQ��3D��EHJLQQLQJ�RQ�0D\�11.
7KDW·V�ULJKW��/RFN�+DYHQ�3D��DQG�/RFN�+DYHQ�8QLYHUVLW\�ZLOO�EH�SOD\LQJ�KRVW�WR�+ROO\ZRRG�IRU�WKUHH�IXOO�PRQWKV�RI�ÀOPLQJ�
/RFN�+DYHQ�&LW\�&RXQFLO�KDV� MXVW�UHOHDVHG�WKLV� LQIRUPD-WLRQ�WR�WKH�SXEOLF�7XHVGD\�QLJKW�DIWHU�WKH�YRWH�IRU�DSSURYDO�IRU�WKH�XVH�RI�WKH�FLW\�IRU�ÀOPLQJ�ZRQ���WR���
7KH�ÀOP�HQWLWOHG�'HDG�0HQ�:DONLQJ��WDNHV�SODFH�LQ�D�VPDOO�FROOHJH�WRZQ���,W·V�VWDU��'DYH�)UDQFR��LV�D�VRSKR-more in college and has to escape the university while DWWHPSWLQJ�WR�VDYH�DV�PDQ\�RI�KLV�XQGHDG�SHHUV�DV�SRV-sible.
“This isn’t your classic zombie movie. There is more WR�WKLV�ÀOP�WKDQ�EORRG�DQG�JXWV��,W·V�PRUH�OLNH�D�PRGHUQ�
GD\� ¶%UHDNIDVW�&OXE·� EXW�ZLWK�PRUH�DFWLRQ�DQG�ZLWK� ]RP-ELHV�µ�VDLG�6SLHOEHUJ�LQ�DQ�LQWHUYLHZ�RQ�WKH�7RQLJKW�6KRZ�ZLWK�
-LPP\�)DOORQ�6WDUV�DPRQJ�'DYH�)UDQFR�LV�(OOHQ�3DJH��=DFK�*DOLÀQDQDNLV��0LUDQGD�&RV-
JURYH��7D\ORU�/DXWQHU�DQG�0LFKDHO�&HUD�3DJH�ZLOO�EH�SOD\LQJ�WKH�UROH�RI�D�SXQN�URFN�FKLFN�ZKLOH�WKH�RWKHU�IHPDOH�
VWDU�&RVJURYH�ZLOO�EH�SOD\LQJ�WKH�UROH�RI�WKH�+ROO\ZRRG�W\SL- c a l sorority sister.
/DXWQHU�ZLOO� VHUYH�DV� WKH� VWDU�DWKOHWH� RI� WKH� VKRZ�DQG�&HUD�ZLOO� EH� D�PHPEHU� RI� WKH� VFKRRO·V�PDUFKLQJ�band.
8QOLNH�KLV�SHUVRQDOLW\�LQ�RWKHU�ÀOPV��)UDQFR�ZLOO�be playing the loner type character that never really VHHPHG�WR�ÀW�LQ�DQ\ZKHUH�RU�ZLWK�DQ\RQH�
8QOLNH� WKH� LQWLPLGDWLQJ� 5LFKDUG� 9HUQRQ� LQ� 7KH�%UHDNIDVW�&OXE��*DOLÀQDQDNLV·� FKDUDFWHU�ZLOO� VHUYH�DV�WKH� JURXS·V�PHQWRU� �� D� SURIHVVRU�ZKR�GHVSLWH� WKH�DSRF-DO\SVH�� FDUHV� DERXW� WKHVH� ÀYH� FROOHJH� VWXGHQWV� DQG� ZKR� they FKRRVH�WR�EHFRPH�LQ�WKLV�XQIRUWXQDWH�WXUQ�RI�HYHQWV��
,W�KDV�DOVR�EHHQ�UHYHDOHG�WKDW�6SLHOEHUJ�KDV�GHFLGHG�WR�NHHS�WKH�QDPH��FRO-RUV�DQG�PDVFRW�RI�/RFN�+DYHQ�8QLYHUVLW\��+RSHIXOO\�WKLV�ZLOO�JHQHUDWH�VRPH�DGGLWLRQDO�VFKRRO�VSLULW�DQG�SULGH�KHUH�DW�/+8�
7KHUH�LV�D�QHHG�IRU�H[WUDV�LQ�WKLV�ÀOP��SDUWLFXODUO\�FROOHJH�VWXGHQWV��7KH�DPRXQW�RI�H[WUDV�QHHGHG� LV�DURXQG�����FROOHJH�VWXGHQWV�� �7KHVH�H[WUDV�ZLOO�XQGHUJR�D�GUDPDWLF�WUDQVIRUPDWLRQ�WR�EH�PDGH�LQWR�]RPELHV��
0RUH�LQIRUPDWLRQ�RQ�KRZ�WR�EHFRPH�DQ�H[WUD�ZLOO�EH�UHOHDVHG�RQ�GHDGPD-QZDONLQJ�FRP�LQ�$SULO�
Zombie apocalypse coming to Lock Haven
Photo courtesy of http://cos.h-cdn.co and http://static02.mediaite.com
Mechanical engineer from the year 2070
Guest Writer
Does not compute
%UHDNLQJ� QHZV� IRU� /+8·V� VSULQJ� FRQFHUW�� $IWHU� KHDULQJ� VHYHUDO� FRP-SODLQWV�DERXW�WKH�VSULQJ�FRQFHUW��/+8�GHFLGHG�WR�WU\�VRPHWKLQJ�QHZ�WKLV�time.
:LWK�KRORJUDSKLF�SURMHFWLRQV�RI�GHDG�FHOHEULWLHV�EHLQJ�DOO�WKH�UDJH�FXU-UHQWO\��/RFN�+DYHQ�KDV�GHFLGHG�WR�KDYH�OLIH�VL]H�SURMHFWLRQV�RI�D�QXPEHU�RI�PXVLFDO�JLDQWV��7ZR�RI�WKH�PRVW�QRWDEOH�EHLQJ�0LFKDHO�-DFNVRQ�DQG�-DPHV�Brown.
+$&�KDV�H[SODLQHG�WKDW�WKH�LGHD�LV�IRU�WKH�JLDQWV�WR�FRPSOHWHO\�XSVWDJH�0DF�0LOOHU�LQ�KRSHV�WKDW�LW·OO�EH�PRUH�HQMR\DEOH�IRU�
VWXGHQWV��,W·V�EHHQ�VDLG�WKDW�-DFNVRQ�DQG�%URZQ�ZLOO�EH�HQJDJLQJ�LQ�RQH�RI�WKH�PRVW�PRQXPHQ-WDO�GDQFH�EDWWOHV�RI�RXU�WLPH��
´:H·UH� YHU\� H[FLWHG� WR� KDYH� WKH� DELOLW\�to showcase such legendary talent at our VPDOO� 8QLYHUVLW\�µ� -DQH� 'RH�� D� %XVLQHVV�JUDGXDWH�VWXGHQW��VDLG�RQ�+$&·V�EHKDOI�
/+8� KDV� EHHQ� ZRUNLQJ� YHU\� FORVHO\�with the projection company throughout
the semester and it’s been said that because the company is so intrigued by the project’s FRQFHSW�� WKH� 8QLYHUVLW\� ZLOO� QRW� EH� FKDUJHG�
anything. In between sporting events at the Thomas
)LHOGKRXVH�� WKH�SURMHFWLRQ� FRPSDQ\�KDV�EHHQ�DGG-LQJ�DOO�WKH�UHTXLUHG�HTXLSPHQW�WR�PDNH�WKH�KR-lographic concert a giant success.
“This process sure hasn’t been an easy RQH� EXW� LW·OO� EH� ZRQGHUIXO� WR� VHH� VXFK� D�EHDXWLIXO� SURMHFW� FRPH� WRJHWKHU�µ� +DO�*UDPP�� RQH� RI� WKH� SURMHFWV� WHFKQLFLDQV��said.
(YHQ� WKRXJK�0LOOHU� LV� H[FLWHG� WR� EH�SHUIRUPLQJ�IRU�/+8��+$&�KDV�QRW�GHFLG-ed to mention anything to him about the plan.
7KH\·UH� KRSLQJ� 0LOOHU·V� JHQXLQH� FRQIX-VLRQ�ZLOO�DGG�WR�WKH�SHUIRUPDQFH��*UDPP�HYHQ�VDLG� WKH\·UH�ZRUNLQJ�WR�PDNH� LW�VHHP�DV�UHDOLV-tic as possible by having the holograms interact with 0LOOHU�RQ�VWDJH�
6WXGHQWV�DUH�UHVSRQGLQJ�YHU\�SRVLWLYHO\�WR�+$&·V�SODQ�DQG�DGPLVVLRQV�LV�KRSLQJ�WKLV�FRQFHUW�ZLOO�EORZ�XS�ELJ�DQG�KRSHIXOO\�EULQJ�VWXGHQW�HQUROO-PHQW�EDFN�XS�
´:H·UH� KRSLQJ� WKDW� WKH� QHZV� RI� WKLV� FRQFHUW�ZLOO� VSUHDG� OLNH�ZLOGÀUH�DQG�WKDW�WKH�ZHE�ZLOO�VKRZ�SHRSOH�WKDW�/RFN�+DYHQ�LV�D�IXQ�DQG�ZRQGHUIXO�LQVWLWXWLRQ�µ�5RELQ�5RFNH\��VHQLRU�DVVRFLDWH�GLUHFWRU�RI�DGPLVVLRQV��VDLG�
:LWK�DOO�WKH�FKDQJHV�DQG�QHZ�HTXLSPHQW�WKH�8QLYHUVLW\�LV�EHLQJ�JLYHQ��WKLV�PDUNV�WKH�EHJLQQLQJ�IRU�HQGOHVV�SRVVLELOLWLHV�ZKHUH�WKH�VSULQJ�FRQFHUW�is concerned.
HOLOGRAPHIC RESEARCH BABY
7April 1, 2016 Arts & Entertainment
COMING
SOON
DVD
Guess the
Movie Quote!
“I wonder
how many
people will
think this
is actually
from a
movie.”Last weeks quote: probably
not Superbad
Photo from upwarddownward.com
The
Album ArenaDid You Know?O]�Úf\�Ydd�gmj�af^gjeYlagf�
gf�_gg_d]&�Af^g�[gmjl]kq�g^�_gg_d]&[ge
Photo from ulife.vpul.upenn.edu
These things still exist?
‘aka’ NETFLIX
NEW ALBUMS
RELEASED THIS WEEK
Big BrotherA&E EditorSystem malfunction...
NEW EXCLUSIVE ALBUMS RELEASED THIS WEEK.
1. THE BEATLES - BLACK ALBUM2. 2PAC - ALL HATERS ON ME3. NWA - EAZY IZ AS EAZY DUZ4. KANYE WEST - I’M SORRY5. ONE DIRECTION - JK
<HV�WKDW·V�ULJKW�IRONV��<RX�KHDUG�LW�KHUH�ÀUVW��$OO�WKHVH�musicians are in fact ALIVE and WELL.
According to the Looney Tunes, in a statement made by Wiley Coyote himself:
“These people just started showing up in our world. We told them enough is enough, you have to go home. WE
DON’T WANT YOU IN LOONEYVILLE.” So, it’s been decided folks, The Beatles, 2Pac, NWA,
Kanye and One Direction are on their way back from LOO-NEYVILLE right now!
Be ready for their new albums dropping like bombs IURP�::���3UHSDUH� \RXU�$8;� FDEOH�� DQG�ÀUHSURRI� \RXU�speakers.
Spoiler AlertProfessional [email protected]
Everyone loves to know all the juicy details before they even happen, right? No? Just me? Oh well, I’m sharing them anyway. Here are, in my opinion, the most awesomely unexpected plots twists to watch out for.
3. Orange Is the New BlackPrepare yourselves. All your favor-
ite jail birds are about to break free from the cage.
That’s right. Piper, Red and Crazy Eyes are
bustin’ loose. They’ve got their hearts set on freedom, and you won’t believe where it takes them.
Mexico? Canada? Right back into another jail cell?
I suppose I can keep some secrets.2. Marvel’s Agent CarterYou’re all in for a big surprise here,
as is Miss Peggy. Did you know her
hunky hubby Steve Rogers, aka Cap-tain America, has a twin brother?
Neither did she, until he made quite the appearance — staunch naked, meandering through her home.
Of course, Peggy being a strong, in-dependent woman who don’t take noth-in’ from no one, had a thing or two to say to him.
And I can’t wait until you hear it for yourselves.
1. How I Met Your MotherYep, you read that correctly. How I Met Your Mother is making
a comeback. We all thought it was over — even the original cast!
Turns out Shmosby’s son needed a father more concerned with sex edu-cation than with educating his kids on all the women he went through before their mother came along.
Now good ol’ Ted’s about to be a granddad. I wonder how many seasons it’ll take them to tell this story.
Top 3 upcoming plot twists
8 April 1, 2015Arts & Entertainment
JAVA PLUGIN ERROR 51
WHERE ARE ALL THE ARTICLES?
9June 28, 1994 Lifestyles
Tara Baggs Staff Writer
There is a new fashion trend sweeping across America. It is the look of the garbage bag dress. A garbage bag you might think eeww gross, but it actually is very useful. It not only looks super fashionable it also can be great in the
rain. Just think of the versatility! Not only can you look super freaking cute but you will also be dry. Another
great feature of this fashion trend is it can come in many colors or can be clas-sic black. When you want to go out for a night with your friends you can have a brightly colored dress. On the other hand you can wear black and look as
classic as Audrey Hepburn.Recycling is also always a major plus for the environment, so saving your
old garbage bags is a great idea. PS: Great for skirts too!!
TRASHY
Photo courtesy of pinterest.com
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is Trendy
10 March 14, 1991Lifestyles
Congratulations
to Lock Haven on
ZLQQLQJ� WKLV� \HDU·V��award for Best
Tourist Destination
in the World!!!
Ifl¡mIf you jump on a goat and ride it ‘til morning, you
will receive the greatest of all gifts. NUTELLA!
Z_plpm
.HHS�ORRNLQJ�XS�DW�WKH�VXQ�DQG�\RX�GHÀQLWHO\�ZLOO�see blue dots in your eyes.
K¡+fifKeep a steady focus on the road ahead so that you
will always know when you are hitting something.
]_ir¡lKeep your head above water or you obviously will
drown.
R¡kAlways keep your mind open. But not your wallet.
Always keep your wallet shut.
nflakTaking little steps will help you to get far, but only
metaphorically. In reality you’ll just be one foot
away from where you were before.
Rf`l_Focus on being yourself all the time. Unless you
want to be someone else.
Yrkl/fkAlways stay positive. Unless the glass is half emp-
ty.
Y_afoo_lfpmLove is all you need. Except for food. And water.
And shelter and... Okay, so you need more.
]_/lfrkliThey say to focus on making your dreams a real-
ity, so even though you think you should get up, go
back to sleep. Right now.
Wfmr¡m�Live life to the fullest. Go ahead and have that sec-
ond plate.
Legit Horoscopes, yo�
The Eagle Eye does not need a bunch of staff
members, at all!!!
Do not contact us at
if you are interested!
I repeat: DO NOT CONTACT US!
We are not in need at all!
Photo Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com
11December 27, 1989 Lifestyles
Donna Fitz Staff Writer ÀWQHVV58/=#JPDLO�FRP
Everyone, especially college students, has poor diets and don’t exercise nearly as little as they should. Once students get to college, we tend to try and exercise more and eat better but we usually fail at this.
Going to the gym every day? It’s so bad for you. Students should cut back on their gym going and really focus on staying in bed for hours on end and staying in their rooms watching TV. If it requires you to put on pants, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Too much exercise can kill you.
Students also try to start eating better. Are you avoiding Bentley because they have bad food? Look again because Bentley just got better! They have more greasy and questionable food than ever before and I only see bright ho-rizons in our future for even better grub to eat. The food they serve can’t be better for an aspiring dieter.
And even if or when Bentley food doesn’t agree with your bowels, turn to junk food because that stuff packs on all the thigh and hip fat you don’t want to lose. Just stay in your room munching on an entire pack of Oreos or an entire bag of Doritos because that is the absolute best food you could ever eat.
If you focus on these new diet and exercise habits you’re sure to have a summer-ready body in no time! Yay for donuts!
Photo Courtesy of freedigitalphoto.com
6DQG\�3DZVStaff CatPHRZVRKDUG#DRO�FRP
&OXE�RI�WKH�:HHN� Cat Lover’s Club
&OXE�3UHVLGHQW� Kate Hibbard ([email protected])
&OXE�$GYLVHU� Conne Reece ([email protected])
&OXE�0HHWLQJV� Every Wednesday 6-10Eagle Eye Newsroom
$ERXW�WKH�&DW�/RYHU·V�&OXE�
Cats, Cats, Cats. Each week the club gets together to discuss their favorite types of cats, favorite cat food brands, favorite cat toys and how to get cat fur out of your favorite clothes.
Popular workshops have included:
How expensive would it be to own a real tiger?Munchkin cats and where I can buy one
A real life experiment in lint rollersHow many cats are too many cats?Is my cat plotting my murder or just napping?$�UHYLHZ�RI�FDWV�LQ�ÀOP*DUÀHOG��&RXOG�KH�UHDOO\�OLYH�RQ�ODVDJQD"�Grumpy Cat: an appreciationKnitting with cat hair
The club is currently in talks with the school to see if they can be exempt from no pets at school rule. Until then, no cats will be allowed but you can always bring pictures to share with the group.
8SFRPLQJ�ÀHOG�WULSV�LQFOXGH�DQ�2II�%URDGZD\�VKRZLQJ�RI�&DWV��7KH�0XVL-cal, a trip to the Humane Society, and the Zoo.
“My favorite workshop so far has been “How expensive would it be to own a real tiger” because I’ve been looking into it for years. That’s what Mike Ty-son had in ‘The Hangover” wasn’t it?” said Freshman Suzie Buttersworth.
Because of the nature of cat people, we ask that no one brings cameras, makes loud sounds or promotes dogs during the meetings.
Club of the week: Cat Lover’s Club
Background Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com
Fitness just got extra delicious
42 October 14, 19902SLQLRQ
Sarah [email protected]
I think men and women everywhere have been
taking my seemingly feminist mindset the wrong
way for a long time now. I know it seems like I
want to be treated with respect, as an intellectual
equal, even as a superior once in a while, but we all
know what they say about appearances. Frankly,
I’m tired of deceiving you guys. It’s not as if I ever
wanted to.
This is college. I have to pretend to think these
things or they wouldn’t let me write for the paper.
The liberal media is great at pulling the puppet
strings of journalists. They make our mouths move
and the next thing you know, we’re all forwarding
agendas that we don’t believe in. We don’t have a
FKRLFH��7KH�PHGLD�LV� OLNH�WKH�0DÀD³RQFH�\RX�JHW�in, you don’t get back out. In fact, you may nev-
er hear from me again after this piece. But some
things have to be said.
I digress.
For a long time, I’ve talked like I believe that
all people should have equal rights and equal ac-
FHVV�� EXW� WKDW·V� MXVW� VLOO\�� 6SHFLÀFDOO\�� ,·YH� KDG� WR�play along with one of the most disgusting social
trends of the last hundred years: feminism, or as it
is more rightfully known around those not coerced
into political correctness, femi-nazi-ism. I have to
DFW�OLNH�ZRPHQ�DUH³JXOS³RQ�SDU�ZLWK�PHQ�/HW·V� MXVW� VWDUW�ZLWK�PH�� ,·P�ÀYH� IHHW�QRWKLQJ�
with bad skin. So right there out of the gates, it’s
clear that I’m not alive to become a supermodel to
be gawked at by all. I’ve got narrow hips, too and
my chest, well, I must have one since I’m breath-
ing, but I lose the not-so-Great/tiny Tetons when
I’m not wearing a (very padded) bra. So I’m not bio-
logically designed to pump out babies either.
Really, I’m best suited to spend my days as a
scullery wench.
But no. Rather than take my rightful place as a
basement dwelling serf where I could do some good
ZRUN³UHDOO\�KHOS�RXW� WKH�SHRSOH�ZLWK�ELJ� FOXPV\�KDQGV³,�KDYH�WR�SUHWHQG�WKDW�,�ZDQW�DQ�HGXFDWLRQ�and the option to make my own decisions. I have to
masquerade around hiding my desperate desire to
ÀQG�D�ZKLWH�$QJOR�6D[RQ�3URWHVWDQW�PDOH�WR�VHUYH�for the rest of my life.
It’s crushing my soul. I don’t think I can live
this way anymore.
$OO�,�ZDQW�LV�IRU�PHQ�WR�XVH�PH�DV�WKH\�VHH�ÀW��,�ZDQW�DQ\�RI�WKHP�ZKR�FDQ�PDQDJH�WR�ÀQG�PH�SK\V-ically appealing to hound me and dazzle me with
time-tested, classic sexual advances. You know, tell
me that you’d let me S your D a little. Where’s the
romance gone?
Give me that “Fifty Shades of Grey” life, but
ZLWKRXW�DOO�WKH�FLQHPDWLF�ÁXII��,�GRQ·W�QHHG�P\�PDQ�to be rich. I just need him to control every aspect of
my life, so that I don’t have to worry about anything
EXW�ÀJXULQJ�RXW�KRZ�WR�SV\FKLFDOO\�LQWXLW�KLV�ZDQWV�and desires every second for the rest of forever.
I know it’s a lot for me to ask from a man. We’ve
already gone over a few of my glaring shortcom-
ings as a woman. I just want what every little girl
wants: to be rescued and have the rest of my life
written out for me.
Equality and adventure are dangerous pas-
times engaged in freely by the wild women of the
21st century. I have to play along. I have to pretend
to be mouthy and prefer death to surrender. They
PDNH�PH�GR�LW³WKH�OLEHUDO�PHGLD��JD\V��-HZV��YHJ-
etarians, people who drive imported cars… It’s a
dangerous world out there for a girl, especially a
girl journalist.
-XVW�UHPHPEHU��,�KDYH�QR�FRQWURO�RYHU�ZKDW�,�ZULWH�PRVW�RI�WKH�WLPH��$Q\�WLPH�,�FODLP�WKDW�WKH�sexes are actually equal, it’s a manufactured lie.
If I had things my way, I’d never be allowed to
have things my way.
Vicky [email protected]
%UHDNLQJ�QHZV�RXW�RI�WKH�%URQ[��'HUHN�-HWHU�EX\V�RXW�+DO�6WHLQEUHQQHU�and becomes new owner of the New York Yankees for 2.5 billion dollars!
$�GHDO�PDGH�EDFN�DW�WKH�EHJLQQLQJ�RI�0DUFK�ZLWK�6WHLQEUHQQHU��-HWHU�DQG�many other Yankees executives was just announced.
New York Yankees General Manager Brainn Ca$hmann expressed his
WKRXJKWV�RQ�-HWHU�DV�WKH�QHZ�IDFH�RI�WKH�IUDQFKLVH�VD\LQJ��´'HUHN�ZDV�ZLWK�WKH�<DQNHHV�KLV�HQWLUH�FDUHHU��+H�VHUYHG�DV�&DSWDLQ�IURP�����������DQG�ZRQ�ÀYH�World Series titles. We couldn’t of hand-picked a better person to be the future
face of this dynasty franchise. I wish him all the best.”
)DQV��SOD\HUV�DQG�IRUPHU�WHDPPDWHV�DUH�MXVW�DV�H[FLWHG�DV�,�DP³H[WUHPH-
O\�³WR�VHH�'HUHN�-HWHU� ULJKW�ZKHUH�KH�EHORQJV��7ZLWWHU�KDV�EHHQ�H[SORGLQJ�with excitement since the news broke about the deal.
Former teammate and close friend George Rosada expressed his thoughts
by Tweeting, “So excited for my good friend to be right where he belongs: the
boss of the Yankees. CoNgRaTs BrO!”
2WKHU�WHDPPDWHV�DQG�FROOHDJXHV�VXFK�DV�$QG\�3HWLWH��7UR\�3RRGORZVNL��-RVLH�%DULVWD�DQG�5DYLG�'ZLJKW�KDYH�DOO�VKRZQ�-HWHU�UHVSHFW�DQG�FRQJUDWXOD-
tions on social media.
7KH�GHWDLOV�DQG�VSHFLÀFV�KDYH�\HW�WR�EH�UHOHDVHG��WKRXJK�WKHUH�LV�VSHFXOD-
WLRQ�DERXW�ZKR�DGGLWLRQDOO\�KHOSHG�WR�IXQG�-HWHU·V�PDMRU�GHDO��:LWK�D�QHW�ZRUWK�of approximately 185 million dollars, the question that still lingers as to who
DLGHG�-HWHU�LQ�DFTXLULQJ�WKH�QHFHVVDU\�IXQGV�WR�EX\�RXW�WKH�6WHLQEUHQQHUV�LV�D�big one. Nevertheless, few people are upset with the Yankees decision to sell
RXW�WR�'HUHN�-HWHU��,�PHDQ��FRPH�RQ³LW·V�WKH�FDSWDLQ�It is indeed the end of an era as far as the Steinbrenner family is con-
FHUQHG��7KH�SDWULDUFK�6WHLQEUHQQHU�ERXJKW�WKH�<DQNHHV�LQ������IRU�����PLOOLRQ�GROODUV�DQG�RZQHG�WKHP�XQWLO�KH�ZDV�DEGXFWHG�E\�0DUWLDQV�LQ�������+LV�´VRQµ�(7�6WHLQEUHQQHU�WRRN�FRQWURO�RI�RZQHUVKLS�WKHQ��1RZ��'HUHN�-HWHU�LV�WKH�RZQ-
HU��\RXQJHVW�RZQHU�(9(5��,�PD\�DGG��DW�RQO\������RI�WKH�1HZ�<RUN�<DQNHHV��That truly has a winning ring to it.
From being Mr. November to winning his last home game at Yankee Sta-
dium, the man has only ever been capable of producing greatness. That’s what
he will do again in his new role as “the boss” of the New York Yankees.
“I am excited and incredibly humbled at this new journey in my life. I’ve
never wanted to be a part of any other organization and this has always been
my dream. Thank you to everyone who has made this possible. I promise to
PDNH�1HZ�<RUN�SURXG�µ�VDLG�'HUHN�-HWHU��VZHDWLQJ�DV�(7�6WHLQEUHQQHU�VWRRG�nearby in some bushes.
Yankees fans everywhere may rest comfortably in their beds tonight and
GUHDP�RI�:RUOG�6HULHV�WLWOH�QXPEHU�����5(6,67$1&(�,6�)87,/(���LI�DQ\RQH�FDQ�PDNH�LW�KDSSHQ��LW�LV�'HUHN�-HWHU��
all ur Yankees r belong 2 Jeter
Battle of the sexes:Two heads are better than one
42July 1, 1995 2�L�P�Q
Jade NelsonMasochistRIÀFHUIULHQGO\#����RUJ
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Cam.po.-palooza!
The In-Between Zone
14 April 1, 2015Sports
LHU lands four-star basketball recruitCoach Beefcake
Compulsive Gambler/LHU Booster/Former Inmate
It is 5 am. A young man heads out of the locker room and into the quiet, dark gym. He hits the lights and starts sprinting. He runs a few suicides and takes off his warm-ups. He picks up a ball and begins dribbling and shooting. +H� ÀQLVKHV� D� WZR�KRXU�ZRUNRXW� EHIRUH� KHDGLQJ� LQWR� WKH� ORFNHU� URRP� WR� JHW�ready for school in the morning. This is the everyday life of Jafreese Barkley.
Distant cousin of Charles Barkley, he is known locally as Dirty Jafreese. Dirty J got this nickname after everyone saw his sick handles, sweet dimes and silky smooth jump shots. His name is modeled after his game: dirty. His nickname also bodes well for him because his father, Larry Barkley (who was nicknamed Filthy B because of his mad skills on the court). Unfortunately, for Filthy B, his career ended after his senior year in high school when ruptured both achilles, tore his MCL, PCL, both ACL’s and his UCL exploded. All while trying to land from a monster dunk.
Jafreese Barkley has lived a lot of places in his 18-year life. He was born in Goose Pimple Junction, Va, but by the age of three he demanded that his fam-ily move to Lick Fork, Va. Barkley has played games for teams in Toad Suck, Ark., Hungry Horse, Mont. and Possum Trot, Ky. Dirty Jafreese averages 32 PPG, 18 APG and 10 RPG, 8 SPG, 3 BPG and manages just one turnover per-
JDPH��+H�ZRXOG�XQGRXEWHGO\�EH�D�ÀYH�VWDU�UHFUXLW��EXW�FROOHJH�WHDPV�DUH�DIUDLG�of his ferocious trash talking. Dirty J has been known to go too far and cross the line virtually every game.
In his career, Dirty J has made 32 players cry on the court and has sent eight different opposing coaches into a severe depression. Dirty Jafreese’s head coach at Fork Sporks high school, Brian Quicksilver, lives in fear every day. Coach Nestor has said that he is not afraid of the challenge.
Dirty J has stated his excitement for joining the LHU basketball squad. “My goal is to go in there and blow everybody up. I’ma do ‘em dirty. I plan on mentally destroying every opponent in my face. And physically, I plan on shat-tering anyone’s ankles who challenges me. I plan on averaging at least 30 PPG and leading Lock Haven to an undefeated season,” Barkley said.
Dirty J continued to say, “I model my game after my favorite player grow-ing up: Luis Scola. His ferocity and intensity goes unmatched. My freshman year will be spent tearing up this wimpy DII conference. After my freshman year, I’ma split and straight up bounce to the NBA, son. If the NBA don’t take me, I’ma sell cars with my dad Filthy B down at Filthy B’s Auto and Tow. Dem Subaru’s nice.”
7KH�EDVNHWEDOO�SURGLJ\�WKHQ�ÀQLVKHG�KLV�VWDWHPHQW�E\�VD\LQJ��´7KH�RQO\�other thing I want to say to all my Fork Spork’s brethren out there, thank y’all for supporting me. Lick Fork will always be my home, but I ain’t never gonna see y’all again. I’m out.”
Jersey Shore, Pa. native Gould to return to LHUStephen A. Smith
Columnist
VWHSKHQD#LORYHMXVWLQJLOÀOODQ�FRP
After the announcement by the Lock Haven University athletics department of the hiring of ex-Philadelphia Eagles’ head coach Chip Kelly, there is now some more exciting news heading in the foot-ball program’s direction.
The university, in conjunction with the Nation-al Football League, announced on Saturday that Jersey Shore, Pa. native Robbie Gould will be re-turning to the area to be a graduate student at Lock Haven as well as be the kicker on the football team.
Gould attended Central Mountain High School in Mill Hall, just minutes away from the Lock Ha-ven campus. Gould also attended Penn State Uni-versity, where he was a freshman walk-on.
“It’s really nice to be coming back home,” said Gould. “I don’t get to come back to the area often, so it will be really welcoming to be back in Central Pa.”
Gould was an undrafted free agent in 2005. He made his NFL debut with the Chicago Bears in 2005, and he has been their kicker ever since.
The soon-to-be grad student at Lock Haven has FRQQHFWHG�RQ����SHUFHQW�RI�KLV�ÀHOG�JRDOV�LQ�KLV�WHQ�NFL seasons, hitting 243-284. He has hit 94 total ÀHOG�JRDOV�IURP�������\DUGV��LQFOXGLQJ����IURP����59 yards.
+LV�ORQJHVW�FDUHHU�PDGH�ÀHOG�JRDO�LV����\DUGV�
In his second NFL season in 2006, Gould put up a total of 143 points by himself with the Bears.
“The NFL has been an excellent journey,” he said. “The Bears have set me up for this moment from day one. I always knew I’d be returning to Lock Haven.”
“After speaking with some of the students, most notably Christopher Sherry, I know that Bentley is a happening place, and that really excites me.”
Gould, 33, was Sherry’s babysitter when he was in elementary school. Sherry is a current sopho-more at Lock Haven, and was an all-state wrestler in his junior and senior years at Blue Mountain High School in the Skook.
“I’ll never be able to thank Robbie enough for all of those long drives to the Skook when I was little. We spent countless hours together, playing UNO and Monopoly, and teaching each other about foot-ball and wrestling,” said Sherry.
“When I was in second grade, I taught him some wrestling moves, and he taught me how to throw a football, which is still a skill I have not yet mastered.”
Gould noted that he most vividly remembers teaching Sherry how to tie his shoes when he was in third grade.
“It was the most amazing feeling, teaching a young kid a true life-skill,” said Gould. “I just couldn’t believe that a third grader didn’t know how to tie his shoes.”
Both said how excited they are to be reunited with each other in the fall. They both haven’t seen
each other since 2003.Gould will hit campus in June, just in time for
summer workouts. He is expected to be in tip-top shape when he arrives.
“I can’t wait to be back with Robbie,” said Sher-ry. “Guy is a true stud.”
Gould will wear No. 3 at Lock Haven, in hon-or of the amount of losses Sherry had in his high school wrestling career. Sherry compiled a 133-3 record while at Blue Mountain.
“This is the best feeling in the world,” said Gould.
“I’m ready to take Lock Haven to the promised land.”
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April 1, 2015 15SportsESPN’s Bayless to join LHU
communication staffDouglas MyersPacSun ModelGP\HUV#LORYHMXVWLQJLOÀOODQ�FRP
The once highest paid columnist in the United States and current ESPN analyst on the show First Take is join-ing the Lock Haven University commu-nication staff as a professor of journal-ism.
Lock Haven University made the KLUH�RIÀFLDO�RQ�0DUFK�����
“I am very eager to begin my hope-fully long-lasting stint in the Lock Ha-ven community,” said Bayless. “Lock Haven has always been a place where I have longed to live, and this seems like a great step in my career.”
Bayless, a graduate of Vanderbilt University, began his sports writing ca-UHHU�DW�7KH�0LDPL�+HUDOG��GLUHFWO\�RXW�of college. Other notable newspaper stops include the Los Angeles Times, 7KH�'DOODV�0RUQLQJ�1HZV��DQG�7KH�Dallas Times Herald.
While in Texas, Bayless won Texas Sportswriter of the Year three times in ������������DQG������
Also while in Dallas, Bayless wrote a trilogy of books about the Dallas Cow-boys after the Cowboys won three Super Bowls in four years.
6NLS�OHIW�'DOODV�DIWHU����\HDUV�WR�EH-come the lead sports columnist for The &KLFDJR�7ULEXQH�LQ��������+H�ZRQ�WKH�Lisagor Award for excellence in sports FROXPQ�ZULWLQJ�LQ�KLV�ÀUVW�\HDU�DW�WKH�Tribune.
In 2000, Bayless was voted Illinois Sportswriter of the Year by the Nation-al Sportscasters and Sportswriters As-sociation.
+LV�ÀQDO�VWRS�DV�D�QHZVSDSHU�FRO-umnist was in San Jose for The San -RVH�0HUFXU\�1HZV�
ESPN hired Bayless full-time in �������%D\OHVV�ÀUVW�DSSHDUHG�RQ�WKH�show Cold Pizza and was a columnist IRU�(631��WRR���,Q�������%D\OHVV�EHJDQ�to co-host the show First Take, and he still holds that position today, as well as writing columns for ESPN.com.
“The decision to leave ESPN to come to Lock Haven for a lot less money wasn’t easy,” he said. “I want to thank ESPN for everything they have done for me over the past ten plus years.”
We will all need to welcome Skip with open arms. Leaving ESPN to come be a professor at a state school in Pa., for much less money, is not an easy deci-sion to make.
Bayless will begin professing cours-HV�LQ�WKH�IDOO�RI�������
0DNH�VXUH�LI�\RX�VHH�%D\OHVV�DURXQG�campus, to remind him that he is in Pa. now, and that his Dallas Cowboys are vivid rivals among the Eagles-portion of the Lock Haven University student body.
“Excited is an understatement for me,” said Bayless.
“But what I am most excited about is getting to work alongside the pride of the University of Southern California, 'U��0DWW�*LUWRQ�µ
“Lock Haven has always been a
place where I have longed to live,
and this seems like a great step in
my career.”
“But what I am most excited about is
getting to work alongside the pride of
the University of Southern California,
Dr. Matt Girton.”
-Skip Bayless
MBB to host Kentucky next season
Joe MommaFab Five EnthusiastWKHPDQWKHP\WKWKHOHJHQG#\DKRR�FRP
The Lock Haven University athletic department announced that the LHU men’s basketball team will host the Kentucky Wildcats in an exhibition game at Thomas Fieldhouse in October.
Kentucky, who is competing for an undefeated season and nation-DO�FKDPSLRQVKLS�WKLV�\HDU��ZLOO�SOD\�/RFN�+DYHQ�IRU�WKH�ÀUVW�WLPH�LQ�school history.
Kentucky head coach, John Calipari said, “We’re honored to play such a prestigious basketball program next year.”
Las Vegas has released the spread for the game and Lock Haven is OLVWHG�DV�D������SRLQW�IDYRULWH�RYHU�WKH�YLVLWLQJ�:LOGFDWV�
7KH�UXPRU�KDVQ·W�EHHQ�FRQÀUPHG�\HW��EXW�ZRUG�LV�WKDW�VRPH�RI�Kentucky’s top recruits have decommitted because they are scared to get beat so badly on national television.
6NDO�/DELVVLHUH��UDQNHG�1R����LQ�WKH�(631�7RS������VDLG��´&RDFK�Calipari had me sold to be a part of this Kentucky program, but after ÀQGLQJ�RXW�WKDW�ZH�ZRXOG�KDYH�WR�WUDYHO�WR�/RFN�+DYHQ��,�QHHGHG�WLPH�to reconsider the beatdown that they would give us.”
Bootsie Walker, who is sometimes referred to as the second com-LQJ�RI�0LFKDHO�-RUGDQ��ZDV�XQLPSUHVVHG�ZLWK�WKH�DGGLWLRQ�WR�WKH�/+8�schedule.
Luckily for Kentucky, Wali Hepburn will have graduated and al-UHDG\�EHHQ�GUDIWHG�ÀUVW�RYHUDOO�E\�WKH�SDWKHWLF�1HZ�<RUN�.QLFNV�
Phil Jackson, who is in charge of the Knicks, has already expressed his love for Hepburn. “The kid makes LeBron look like a bum. In fact, Wali was more talented at the age of four than LeBron could ever dream to be,” Jackson said.
Photo courtesy of www.lhufoundation.org
16 April 1, 2015Sports
LHU announces hiring of Chip KellyJayson MoyerCutest Sports Editor EverMPR\HU#LORYHMXVWLQJLOOÀOODQ�FRP
What a past couple days it has been here in The Haven.
Following former head coach John Allen’s res-ignation in February, the Lock Haven University athletic department announced the hiring of ex-Phil-adelphia Eagle’s head coach Chip Kelly on Monday morning.
A press conference is set for Friday, April 3.Kelly noted that his decision to leave the Eagles,
where he has been head coach for the past two sea-sons, was not an easy one, but that college was al-ZD\V�WKH�ULJKW�ÀW�IRU�KLP�
´,�KDYH�DOZD\V�KDG�D�VSHFLÀF�SODFH�IRU�WKH�FROOHJH�game in my heart,” said Kelly.
“When the Lock Haven job opened up, I knew that this was the right place for me. I can’t wait to hit up Wal-Mart when I get on campus.”
Kelly’s head coaching career began at the Uni-versity of Oregon, where he was hired in 2009. Kelly went 46-7 overall as the head coach of the Ducks, in-cluding 3-2 in bowl games.
Chip was named head coach of the year in 2010 by six different news outlets.
Kelly compiled a 20-12 record as head coach of the Eagles. After a dismal season in 2012, Kelly led WKH�(DJOHV�EDFN�WR�WKH�SRVWVHDVRQ�LQ�KLV�ÀUVW�\HDU�DV�Eagles’ head coach in 2013.
,Q�������WKH�(DJOHV�ÀQLVKHG�ZLWK�DQ�LGHQWLFDO�UH-cord of 10-6, but failed to make the playoffs.
The knock on Kelly is that he hasn’t always been able to win the big games. He has fallen short in al-most every big NFL game, except for one, which was in 2014 on Thanksgiving at the Dallas Cowboys.
His coaching style was not a known commodity around the NFL world until Kelly took over as head coach of the Eagles. His up-tempo, no-huddle, and fast style of play was more or less picked up by more NFL teams in 2014.
Following the 2014 season, Eagles’ owner Jeffrey Lurie decided to give Kelly full roster control of the Eagles. The move demoted then-general manager Howie Roseman, promoting Chip to oversee all play-er personnel decisions.
Kelly led the Eagles in their most wild offseason in franchise history, as he traded away franchise rushing leader LeSean McCoy, while also trading away starting quarterback Nick Foles.
Chip is also vastly regarded for his knowledge of sports science and nutrition, which he brought to the Eagles. He even had his players wear sleep monitors while they sleep at night.
His up-tempo style of practices sometimes weren’t highly regarded in the NFL, but should be welcomed to the Lock Haven football program.
He was known as a great recruiter in college, and that is something that the Lock Haven community is hoping he can bring to the program.
Chip will bring along ex-Alabama head coach Nick Saban to be his defensive coordinator, as well as ex-Houston Texans head coach Bill O’Brien to be his offensive coordinator. They now have three of the best recruiters in the country.
Kelly will earn $3.2 million in each year of his ÀYH�\HDU�FRQWUDFW��WKDW�LQFOXGHV�LQFHQWLYH�ERQXVHV�IRU�an undefeated season and a PSAC championship.
“It’s a sizable paycut than in Philly,” said Kelly. “But there are perks, such as Starbucks and the mov-ies that you can rent out in the library.”
“Rudy is my favorite.”The Lock Haven University football program is
in need of a great salesman and a good recruiter, and Kelly should be able to sell the great food at Bentley better than anyone else in the country.
Its go time, Bald Eagle Nation, and ole’ Chipper is going to have this football program bouncing and ready to play come the fall.
“I’m ready to turn this football program into a contender,” said Chip. “It’s going to be a fun ride.”
This is the time to embrace a phenomenon that is rarely seen in Division-II college football. We have the opportunity for something special as a universi-ty, and we need to rally around Chocolate Chip Kelly and the football program.
Big things are ahead.“Let’s go, Haven Nation.”
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“When the Lock Haven job opened
up, I knew that this was the right
place for me. I can’t wait to hit up
Wal-Mart when I get on campus.”
-Chip Kelly, new Lock Haven head football coach
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