Issue 58

TOWN V GOWNTHE

TRUTH!

“O.M.G.”THE RETURN

OFTHE NOSY BEDDER! O

nly

in Travis

ty!

TRAVISTY’S P A G E 3

ROBIN M-Y

TRAVISTYIssue 58 - November 2014

College news - College gossip - College news - College gossip - College news - College

THE TABLOID ISSUE!

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: Read all about it, read all about it! Celeb news, star style, this issue’s got it all. You thought the

Kardashians were crazy? Have a look at this week’s nosy bedder for the sex, scandal and gossip even they couldn’t keep up with.

More exclusives offered with our very own page 3 models and their thoughts on this week’s news – but don’t worry, we’re totally behind check’em Tuesday. In fact, here at Travisty, we

recommend checking ‘em every day. Why not?Also inside: quizzes, questions and queries all dealt with by our expertly qualified and

totally credible advice columnists. Their advice, is your ticket to a better and more fulfilling life – so listen up!

But we’re not just about coming up with random and deviously sourced information about your fave Trinity celebs – look no further for completely exclusive, 100% researched REAL LIFE stories where we tell you about

your Cambridge. Yes, you got it right, it’s the Tabloid issue! And to brighten up your

week 5 we’ve taken The Sun, The Mirror and Heat and put them on steroids.

Enjoy, Trinity.

Taliaxxx

TRAVISTY 58 NOVEMBER 2014

Contributors: Robin Mackworth-Young, Mary Harvey, Rose Lander, Jack Harding, Lauren Brown, Catriona Chaplain, Elissa Foord

Editor: Talia Zybutz Features Editor: James Taylor Creative Director: Thomas Hughes-Mclure

The weekly rant

Travisty takes on city jobs P.8

College marriageIs it too soon?! P.9

First datesTravisty’s destination advice

P.10

Pranking your neighboursA real life story! P.4

Town Vs. GownSensationalist but true. P.5

Nosy BedderShe’s nosy, and she’s bedder P.6

On our cover this issue:

Trinity members created a video for “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift in a bid to get the starlet to our May Ball. Check out the full video

on youtube and the campaign with #TaylorAtTrinity

P A G E 3

ROBIN MACKWORTH-YOUNG

“ROBIN, 20, IS WORRIED ABOUT

REPUBLICAN GAINS IN THE US MIDTERMS. HE

SAID: “WITH REPUBLICANS

VERGING ON THEIR LARGEST MAJORITY IN THE HOUSE SINCE THE

1940S, 52 SEATS IN THE SENATE WILL NO

DOUBT ONLY FURTHER TIE THE EXECUTIVE’S

HANDS.”

Page �4 TRAVISTY

TRAVISTY REAL LIFEPRANKING YOUR

NEIGHBOURS THE REAL LIFE STORY OF A GIRL WHOSE NEIGHBOURS JUST WOULDN’T LEAVE

HER BE – MARY HARVEY TELLS TRAVISTY ALL

Standing naked in the corridor, bar my dripping wet towel, the door to my bedroom, living room, and gyp bolted shut, I realised I was being bullied. As I begged my neighbours to give me my key back, pleading through their peephole, I found myself at rock bottom. I had heard rumours about the girls here being basic bullies, but in my naivety, perhaps due to my cozy upbringing in the Peak District with only cows for neighbours, I opened my arms trustingly to my new staircase friends. I washed their dirty dishes, lent them my clothes, and even offered to cut their toenails for them, but it soon dawned on me that maybe I didn’t leave the cows back in the fields of Derbyshire.

It all started from day three, when my two neighbours (lets just call them, Sara and Becky), let slip their plot to viciously turn our bedder against me. They threatened to tear down my posters to reveal the hidden sellotape and blue-tac, reveal my secret candles, and start a fire using my incense. I debated calling the police, but instead sent an e-mail to the assistant housekeeper regarding Sara’s use of sellotape for her fairy lights, and Becky’s candle which she burns in the evening. Well, well, not so threatening now are you, I thought to myself.

It turns out I could not have been more wrong. As I innocently skipped back to my room one Sunday afternoon, I saw, to my absolute horror, my undergarments hanging from my window! As I realised that everyone in college on a passing trip to Sainsbury’s, including quite possibly our Porters, had seen the

contents of my “for-my-eyes-only” drawer, I began to weep uncontrollably. This was getting out of hand. Not only had they locked me outside in my towel, stolen one of each pair of my shoes, locked me in a cupboard, and farted on my pillow, they had now stripped me of my dignity and reputation.

It was time for revenge. After breaking into their rooms and swapping round their stuff, I laughed all day to myself, cackling in the library at my clever plan. However, once my moment of glory had passed, I realised that revenge is indeed bittersweet, and it left me feeling empty and disappointed in myself for sinking so low. We’ve now called a truce among ourselves, but tension is high. It’s safe to say I’ll be keeping my doors and windows locked from now on.

AS THE PRANKS HIT INSTAGRAM, MARY KNEW

THINGS WERE

GETTING SERIOUS

V

During the final years of schooling every student gets that adventurous feeling, both terrified and chomping at the bit they can’t wait to fly the nest, including me, but I only flew 4 miles. This presented me with an unexpected and yet unresolved identity crisis: Town vs. Gown. Who am I? Where do I belong? Van of Life or Trailer of Life? CB2 or CB1? In my experience there have been three main reactions to the news that I stayed in Cambridge. The first from friends of my parents who were less concerned with the prestige of Trinity College and its past alumni in whose footsteps I would follow and more interested in whether I take my washing home every week. No. No, I do not. I am 20. I do it myself. The second, my school friends who couldn’t believe that I willingly signed myself up for another 3 years of buzzing C-Town night life. I had only been to Ballare once before and it was an experience I wasn’t looking forward to repeating. But Cindies was different. My inner VK-fuelled dancing queen was finally released after being held prisoner for two years by incessant house music at Fez. In my townie days I had already enjoyed going to The Regal on a Saturday night, always wielding a knife in case I came across any geeks asking for trouble. However, I quickly adjusted to my new role in the Dangerspoons dynamic and have replaced my weapon with pepper-spray to fend off the town-dwelling hoodlums.

The third, fellow students who assumed I must know the city like the back of my hand. Disappointingly I still get lost occasionally and have not come up with a definitive ranking system for all the best restaurants and pubs. The bubble is so tiny – we move in tight circles between lectures, hall and Sainsbury’s, so it’s hard to imagine a life in Cambridge that doesn’t centre round supervisions and Sunday brunch. But this be-gowned version of Cambridge was new to me too. In my first 19 years of living here I never once noticed the Sidney Street door into Whewell’s. Sort of like how muggles can’t see Hogwarts, I assume. Now I have this magic card that opens that mysterious door and behind it is a secret world of princess turrets and creepy dungeons. Surprisingly Cambridge doesn’t stop existing once you walk past Spoons. Keep going and you’ll get to my Cambridge; a leafy suburban neighbourhood where every single person I know comes to my mum’s yoga classes held in our sitting room. It’s mostly pretty in a quiet, cute sort of way but also hosts hideous new builds such as The Marque, shortlisted for the Carbuncle Cup, a prize for the ugliest building in the UK. Despite this upsetting monstrosity, Cambridge remains a wonderful place to grow up, study, live and work. One day I’ll live in another city, another country, but I’ll be sad to say goodbye. Although I will, of course, be back every now again to get my money’s worth out of my Union life membership.

MORE REAL LIFE STORIESTOWNIE & GOWNIE

“I DON’T KNOW WHERE I BELONG” – THE DRAMATIC TRUE STORY OF ROSE

LANDER, LIVING ON BOTH SIDES OF THE TOWN/GOWN DIVIDE

FOR GOOD MEASURE, TRAVISTY FOUND ANOTHER

TOWNITARIAN, KARIM – JUST TO PROVE THEY EXIST

Me: Karim, Townitarian is a word I just made up to describe someone who is both a townie and a Trinitarian, what do you think of it? K: It's great, well done.Me: Cheese or chocolate?K: ChocolateMe: Denim or leather?

K: LeatherMe: Fingers or toes?K: No thanksMe: Love or money?K: Love, we all love loveMe: Shaken or stirred?K: StirredMe: Town or Gown?K: I get irrationally happy at Dangerspoons - that probably gives it away

Page �5TRAVISTYV

Page �6 TRAVISTYV

Going

UP

Snow Balls The tickets have all

been bought as everyone looks forward to May Week’s favourite

cousin

Tabloids An understated medium

if there ever was one (as we have clearly

proven)

#TaylorAtTrinity As this campaign to get Taylor Swift to the Trinity May Ball hits The Tab, things

are heating up

Dear GS, None of my friends want to go clubbing anymore. Where else can I meet potential partners? Dear concupiscent clubber,By now, you’ve realised that it’s basically impossible to meet someone in the daylight here. It’s a sad fact of Kuda that The Lion King soundtracks a worrying proportion of our Cambridge love lives. However, I’d say as a general rule of thumb that the probability of meeting someone you actually like is inversely proportional to your blood alcohol content. It’s lucky for you, then, that I’ve come up with five (sober) pick-up hotspots:

1) Sainsbury’s freezer section – if you’ve been here for any significant amount of time, you won’t be surprised to see Cambridge’s most notorious frozen aisle on this list. Somewhat ironically, it’s where Cam romance is at its steamiest. Stand there for a couple of hours on a Thursday morning, fanning yourself suggestively with a packet of fish fingers, and wait for the sparks to fly. Given that nobody has a freezer here, there’s only one reason why people would come to the coolest spot in town. Think about it.

2) Outside King’s – you know who love students? Tourists. They’re not just here to look at the architecture. In their eyes, there’s something mysterious and alluring about our lifestyle. Stand outside King’s carrying a medieval history anthology for long enough, and you’ll see what I mean.

3) College Chapel – the best way to find a mate is to go for someone God approves of. People have known this since around the year 0. So go along and put the stud into biblical studies.

4) Orgasm bridge – remember that Rom-Com scene where the protagonists meet by bumping into one another? You know, the really organic encounters, where their eyes meet as they scrabble for their possessions. Well, remain stationary at the top of Orgasm bridge and you’ll have hundreds of such collisions within minutes. Cyclists will be literally falling for you. With any luck, there’ll be no permanent injuries, and an apology coffee will be on the horizon. Shin pads recommended.

5) In the Cam – a good way to test somebody’s character is to simulate drowning in front of them. Stand on the river bank, and jump in whenever a punt with an attractive load glides past. If they don’t make some effort to save you, they’re probably not worth your time.

Dear GS, I’ve been invited to loads of swaps but I always end up licking whipped cream off boys’ nipples, and my boyfriend’s getting jealous!Dear sordid swapper,Obviously you can’t stop swapping or your social life would implode. You also can’t control your behaviour on swaps, nor would peer pressure want you to. So the key is to normalise your boyfriend to your consumption of whipped cream. Carry around a canister of the squirty stuff as part of your daily routine. Spray it on every available surface and consume accordingly. Your boyfriend will come to realise that there’s nothing privileged about these men whom you’re licking; they are merely unwitting enablers of your whipped cream addiction. He may try to get you to seek professional help, but his jealousy will be a thing of the past.

DAME GEORGINA SUMMER

A new Vice President

Yep. It’s another TCSU Hustings. And as only committee members are running, we can

look forward to another!

Week 5 But never fear - with our handy back page quiz this shouldn’t get you

down

The Tab Its new website is really

not great

Fireworks Sadly, November 5th is over and there will be no more lights in the

sky till New Year.

Nosy bedder and marmite - you either love it or you hate it. Whatever your view, we (Travisty) love YOU and want our readers to be the happiest in the world. If you’d like to opt-out of nosy bedder (i.e. not be included in next issue’s column) just email your name to [email protected].

The air has gotten a lot brisker and suddenly Cambridge is in winter, but I’m glad to see that you’re keeping warm with someone else in your bed…A riotous food fight swap spiralled out of control with two organisers having to sit in front of the dean the next day. Luckily for them he didn’t seem to know the difference between a beer pong and a lamp… we’ll be eagerly waiting the release of those photos at some point. All’s fair in love and (jelly) war so we don't blame you for taking it a bit far. As your bedder I’m always happy to help clean up, but in this case I think I’ll leave it to you.A rowdy swapper decided that the trek to the loos was too far, and why shouldn't he relieve himself in the outdoors under a starlit sky? Next time you might want to check for some Pizza Express workers though, I hear those guys get really pissy on their cigarette breaks. One scandalous fresher has taken a bit of time out of the social scene – learning the hard way that too many boys and you’ll be left bedridden. One of her suitors may be causing a bit more trouble than he’s worth. Just don’t end up in a cat fight with this goldie golden boy’s mum, mother’s are protective of their sons, especially when there’s a bit of Trincest involved. Hallowe’en was as always the perfect time for girls to dress down and boys to wear make up. Arc Soc was certainly the edgy event of the night, the photos alone allow even the most geeky of mathmos to pretend to be an arts student. The talented photographer for this event was most graciously thanked, while another used his camera to document the momentous event. Lucky boy… To those harbouring secret dreams of being initiated i n t o the drinking societies start working on your rapping skills. This years bout of initiations saw a successful ratio of three out of the four hopefuls being sick before midnight with the fourth quietly slipping off to take a… ‘power nap’. The scene for the initiations has yet to be cleaned out properly, tuna is surprisingly strong at blocking up drains. The inhabitants of the building have sent out a works request for a new carpet – even this Bedder refuses to clean up that mess.

THE NOSY BEDDERIT MAY BE WEEK 5, BUT IT SEEMS TRINITARIANS HAVEN’T

BEEN LETTING THE BLUES SPOIL TOO MUCH FUN…

The integrity of Travisty journalism

No More Page 3? We agree. This is all a political statement

(obvs)

Going

DOWN

Page �7TRAVISTYV

Yes, it has happened. I know, I can’t quite believe it myself. But it’s true. After weeks of nagging, I have been granted the Travisty Rant page. I s imply cannot express how overwhelmed with joy I am at the chance of passing all my anger, angst, sorrow and disappointment at the world on to you.There’s only one issue. I wrote a rant and, without blowing my own trumpet, it was wonderful. Exquisitely crafted, eloquently written, the points clear and concise but with enough anecdotes and allegories to keep it sizzling and spinning with excitement like a piece of potassium on water. I even wrote part of it in Iambic Pentameter. Indeed, I am apparently so skilled at writing that I can draw on references that both NatScis and English students will rofl over in two adjacent sentences. However, it amounted to 2,400 words. And evidently Trinity just doesn’t have the ink. So I have been instructed to re-write it and keep it down to 500. Bollocks, I’ve already wasted 185. So here goes.What I want to write about is not really a rant; it’s more of a request, and it goes out to all you budding City boys and girls. I have the pleasure of knowing several people wanting to go into the City well, and the joy of knowing more of that ilk slightly less well. I would just

like to point out a few problems (had I been allowed 2,400 words, I would explain myself much better). The first is this; does city life make you happy or is it the money? As one who has spent time in an investment bank (shocking, I know), I can tell you that the day-to-day work is not the yelling and shouting you see in Wall Street movies. I was there in 2011 on a day when the market slumped. It slumped so badly that the man next to me lost £1.5 million in a day. Did anyone seem to care? No. They just continued to watch the numbers turn from green to red to green again. Then to red. And back to …. You get the idea. If that excites you, go for it. If it’s the luxury apartment that you’ll be able to spend hardly any time in because of your what-should-be illegal hours, then we have a bit of a difference of opinion. Just think about it; is it worth spending the best years of your life doing a job you find boring?Next we get to what the companies do. All this really is, when it comes down to it, is make the rich richer. When the world is in the situation it is now, with crisis after crisis crippling the global population, should the top of the top 1% cleverest, as we are in Cambridge, be flooding to jobs which just keep them and their group of friends exceptionally wealthy? Again, just think about it. If you really want to work for a global company, banking is not the way forward as, as far as I can see, they don’t really help the globe. They merely encourage inequality and expand the divide between rich and poor.I myself can poke so very many holes in this argument, I admit, but my longer piece was waterproof, trust me. Come and find me if you take issue with that. We’ll thrash it out.I have very few words left and I want to end with this – we are surrounded by beauty and genius. From the buildings to past students, or even present students, this is the place to get inspired to go out and do something different, to change the world, if even in the smallest possible way. To make your mark. Why then, do so many people feel the need and want to do what hundreds and thousands have done before them? This doesn’t just apply to the City, I know, but it is this area of professions which seems to have the highest number of students transfixed with the lowest amount of worldly good amounting from it. It boggles my mind.

Page �8 TRAVISTYV

THE WEEKLY RANT

GET OUT THE CITY ROBIN MACKWORTH-YOUNG THINKS

YOU SHOULD DITCH THAT CITY INTERNSHIP

As us wee baby freshers are settling in, and are observing our tenuously based freshers-friendships either blossom into BFFLs or shatter awkwardly like the drunkenly smashed wine glasses at swaps, the annoyingly quarter-hourly chapel bell seems to scream one thing only: “wedding bells”. Watching the fabulous romantic partnerships of our college parents, we can but only gaze and hope that we find such a spouse with whom we can pile our children with martinis and wine (so as to hopefully get them to the state where they’re being carried out of Freshers’ formal, arms draped around the neck of a slightly begrudged -but secretly loving it- porter. You know who you are.) Despite initially being totally weirded out by Cambridge emailing you to say that you have parents, and then having to subsequently watch your friends get totally weirded out when you try and explain this (“What, so your mum and dad have to stay with you through the whole of freshers?”), now we know how secretly amazing it is, we’re in. After being so cruelly and heartlessly abandoned by our real parents in the middle of what is basically a random castle at the start of term, the concept of in-college engagements not only no longer seems strange but also absolutely necessary. Yet are these nascent, burgeoning romances still too fledgling to endure until next year, culminating in a string of messy divorces before we turn 20? Do drunken Cindies proposals ever count? Can a maths/English marriage ever truly work? Come on guys, no fresher wants to be initiated into a broken home. Let the Made in Chelsea-esque cat fights

dramat ic s laps and awkward s i lences commence…

The same-sex marriage – S o f o r a n e s t a b l i s h m e n t s t e e p e d i n traditionalism, with men in bowler hats wandering around the cornered off grass lest your toe should accidentally scrape a blade, Trinity is extremely liberal when it comes to same sex engagement. It obviously has nothing to do with the fact that the College has more important things to do than worry about 18-19 year olds getting fake wed… So boys and girls, when preparing your undeniably cheesy and over the top proposals, don’t feel bogged down by archaic traditions – if a guy or gal has caught your eye, or if you would just make an amazing combination, go with the flow. Trin is totally cool.

The genuine “I fancy you” marriage – Okay people, if there is someone you really

do like, the best way (and this is just a stab in the dark) to make them avoid you forever and ever (amen) would be to spring a weirdly genuine-but-not-really fake marriage proposal on them during

which you romantically declare that you actually quite like them. And, if

this strangely keen approach w o r k s a n d y o u d o g e t together, and it should fail to

work out, there’s nothing to exacerbate a heart-breaking break

up like having to awkwardly file through fake, non-existent divorce papers… So, paradoxically, save your marriage proposals for people you are not romantically involved with. Take him/her out for dinner, or get with them in a sweaty club, whatever floats your boat, but get married to a mate instead. I’m sure your other half won’t mind you being married to someone else, in any case (ahem…)

Should we be getting married this soon or focusing on more, um, important things, like… working…? If you have found the chico or chica for you, then stem the incoming tidal wave of divorce-related warnings and just get hitched. Compared to the workload, a divorce, would no doubt be a refreshing break anyway. You’ve pretty much met everyone by now and have probably identified those who would be the most worst spouses on the planet, and those with whom you will happily don a surfboard and ride that tidal wave towards domestic bliss. So, if you’re married, cool. If you’re not, cool. Just feel the looooooove

COLLEGE MARRIAGE:

TOO SOON? (COLLEGE) MARRIAGE AND SEX TIPS FROM

TRAVISTY’S VERY OWN LAUREN BROWN

Page �9TRAVISTYV

Page �10

THE BEST (FIRST) DATE SPOTS

IN CAMBRIDGE CATRIONA CHAPLIN GOES TO ALL THESE DATE SPOTS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO!

It’s the big moment. The person you’ve been getting with at Cindies for weeks has finally asked to meet you in a real life, non-alcoholic fuelled, situation. But where to go for your first one-on-one sober experience? Of course, you may have met this person in a completely sober situation. If so, I congratulate you. But everyone knows the best relationships start in Cindies. The number one rule is to avoid student hotspots at all costs. The May Pole is absolutely off limits. No one wants to be confronted with exes, one night stands, lab partners, supervisors or any of the other awkward social acquaintances you make in Cambridge. Meeting people forces you into uncomfortable conversation. How do you

introduce each other? ‘Jack, this is Alex the person I slept with last term, and Alex, this is Jack, the person I’ve been sleeping with for the last few weeks’. It’s just not a pleasant situation to be in. Even worse than this, is the ‘how do you know each other’ scenario. From personal experience I can tell you answering this question is particularly painful if the truth is that ‘we met on Tinder’. So, we’ve established the number one rule, and now we need to consider what type of date this going to be. Coffee, drinks or dinner. For first dates it’s probably going to be a coffee/drinks situation, but who knows maybe they’ll jump right in with a romantic candle lit dinner – you know you’ve got a keeper there.

THE COFFEE MEET1

INDIGO If you can get a seat, this café offers an intimate setting – the tables are so small you’re pretty much forced into a game of footsie. The food is great too though, I recommend staring into each others eyes over a cup of hot chocolate and slice of their extremely moist carrot cake. Top tip: do a quick spot check before meeting your date – if there is anyone you know in there, there’ll be no escape from speaking to them.

AFTERNOON TEASE

Slightly off the beaten track (well, it’s further than Sainsbury’s) this all day café has a friendly atmosphere, with a large variety of lunchtime sandwiches and tea time cakes that will certainly wet your appetite, (if your date doesn’t). The carrot cake here is also excellent, I’d highly recommend it for breakfast and can vouch that their bacon sandwiches are far superior to those of Bill’s.

TRAVISTYV

Page �11TRAVISTYV

DRINKS2

THE PINT SHOP Although slightly pricey, the Pint shop provides what are arguably the best G&Ts in town. With 56 different varieties of the stuff to try, the conversational juices will soon be flowing. It is not recommended for weekends, as the noise levels tend to reach the point of uninhibited shouting (save that for the bedroom) (or actually please don’t). However, if you manage to find it, there is a delightful quiet garden out the back which

i s u s u a l l y r e l a t i v e l y e m p t y – p e r f e c t f o r creating that romantic vibe.

THE SNUG As cosy as it sounds, this cocktail bar come restaurant is located near the Grafton Centre, which probably explains why you’ve never heard of it. It offers a wide range of drinks, including a variety of ice cream cocktails if you’re feeling adventurous – their Banoffee Blend is perfect for those with a sweet tooth. With 2-for-1 on all cocktails from 3pm-9pm what more could you want? You can even book cocktail classes if you w a n t y o u r date to be a b i t m o r e active.

DINNER3

LA MIMOSA Located on Park Parade next to Jesus Green, this rather posh, but reasonably priced, Italian restaurant will be sure to impress your date in no time. With all your Italian favourites but without the chain feel of Pizza Express, this place will be a hit with anyone. The journey back to the city centre across Jesus Green provides the perfect opportunity for a romantic walk by the river and that kiss you’ve been hoping for ever since you tucked into the panacotta. Just remember to steer clear of the garlic bread.

THE VAULTS Better known for its cocktails, the vaults is a dark horse when it comes to cuisine. If you make a quick right on entering down the sta i rs you wi l l avoid any possible encounters with acquaintances and enter into their usually quiet restaurant area. The food is excellent, and their Friday Supper club is a bargain, nothing like a cheap date. You can then carry on the date straight into the bar, which has enough crooks and crannies to find a nice secluded spot – just in case a goodnight kiss is on the menu.

WAYS TO SURVIVE WEEK5 5YOU KNOW IT’S A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT, WE KNOW IT’S A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. BUT

CONSTRUCTED IT HAS BEEN, AND TRAVISTY IS HERE TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS MOST BLEAK OF WEEKS.

What is your aim for the week?

First rule of week five: thriving is survivingIs this your first week 5?

Survive Thrive

Yes

Do you read the Tab?

Do you study an arts subject?No

No

Hold out against the tide of

hysteria around you. As Kipling wrote “if you

can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs… you’ll survive week five, my

son”

Yes

Are you panic stricken by the inevitable deluge of

scaremongering week 5 related features (#metatextual) in the

student media?

Of course you are

Do you enjoy house music, Moroccan decor and dabbling in

class A drugs?Go to fez the

night it all kicks off. By the time

you are fully alert again it will be almost over.

Yes

Sainsbury’s, Netflix and Buzzfeed are your friends. Your essay is not. If all other means of procrastination fail you, consider writing a frivolous quiz for a college magazine.

No

Is your average hours-spent-in-library more than fifteen hours

per week?

Yes

No

No

Mathmo?

Yes

No

Become an artistically tortured

soul. Instagram pictures of yourself

weeping in the lower library.

Snapchat pictures of books. Let it out.

Yes

5 is a number like any other. Therefore this is a week like

any other. Therefore you can handle it

Q.E.D.

You still have to work twice as hard

as most arts students, right?

Yes