How to Have Your Second Child First

Experiencedp a r e n t sspill theirs ec r e t s !

by Kerry Colburn & Rob Sorensen

Colburn &

Sorensen

100 Things That Are Good to Know. . . the First Time Around

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$18.95 U.S.

In this must-have resource for new and expecting parents, Kerry Colburn and Rob Sorensen draw from frank conversations with scores of second-time parents.

One hundred nuggets of practical advice reveal how you can act like an experi-enced parent even when you’re not one, with tell-it-like-it-is wisdom, such as:

Nursing is not always as easy as it looks.

It’s okay to think your baby is funny-looking.

You can turn off the baby monitor.

You and your partner may feel like you’re on separate planets.

You really can take a shower.

You don’t have to listen to kids’ music.

Embrace the power of saying “no.”

No matter how hard it seems, you will find your parental comfort zone.

Brimming with advice that doctors never tell you, How to Have Your Second Child First is an invaluable and comforting resource for any new parent.

www.chroniclebooks.com

Kerry Colburn & Rob Sorensenare second-time parents who have learned a lot from their two energetic young daughters, Piper and Molly. A former publishing executive, Kerry is a freelance writer, editor, and con- sultant. Rob is an author and software developer. They are the authors of Mommy Lotto; Daddy Lotto; So, You Want to Be Canadian; and The U.S. of Eh? (all from Chronicle Books). They currently work, parent, and drink plenty of coffee in Seattle.

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For the new parent, How to Have Your Second Child First offers empathetic wisdom, smart advice, and clever tips and timesavers from parents who have learned the ropes through trial and error.

Parents of two or more kids all say the same thing: they can’t believe they felt so overwhelmed and exhausted with only one baby. But they did—as all new parents do. The truth is parents with two or more kids learn to become more efficient, more confident, and more relaxed. Case in point:

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : Gotta race home and sterilize this dropped pacifier.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Whoops, the baby’s eating dirt again.

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s crying, we have to go . . . s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Crying? What crying?

Better than all the other advice books put together, here is every-thing experienced parents wish they had known . . . the first time around.

HowToHaveSecondChildFirst_CVR.indd 1 11/18/09 10:56:58 PM

Having a baby changes everything. It opens the door to new emotions, priorities, challenges, successes—and utter mysteries. You enter a whole new life, after all, and it will likely feel completely foreign the first few months. After years of having a pretty good handle on how things work in the world, you might suddenly feel a bit lost, over-whelmed, or unsure of yourself as a brand-new parent. You will probably question every aspect of life with your new little person—What should I buy for my baby? Who should come visit and when is a good time? When can I take a plane trip with my daughter? How long should I let my son cry? How will I know the right thing to do?—and then second-guess each decision once you make it. And, unfor-tunately, you’ll continually hear a wide range of contra- dictory advice, including from people whom you didn’t even ask. When your stack of books, your mom, and even strangers on the elevator all have varying opinions on any given subject, who’s got the right answer?

Relax. Any experienced parent will tell you that the first year is filled with discoveries, and included in those is fig-uring out what works for you and your baby. It’s a constantly evolving, sometimes perplexing, and ultimately rewarding process. Along the way, try not to be so confounded by all the information (Do this! Don’t do that! Don’t ever do that!) that you can’t see straight. Whether you believe it right now or not, you will come to trust yourself and your instincts. You will get to know your baby and yourself as a parent. Daily navigation of all the big and small parenting choices gets you up to speed in a hurry, and, eventually, all new parents must decide for themselves what feels right for their own family. But for now, what can really help is reassuring, empathetic, helpful advice from people who have been there. Twice.

Second-time parents—as savvy and unflappable as they seem when you see them at the park or the grocery store—

[ i n t r o d u c t i o n ]

6

7

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Having a baby changes everything. It opens the door to new emotions, priorities, challenges, successes—and utter mysteries. You enter a whole new life, after all, and it will likely feel completely foreign the first few months. After years of having a pretty good handle on how things work in the world, you might suddenly feel a bit lost, over-whelmed, or unsure of yourself as a brand-new parent. You will probably question every aspect of life with your new little person—What should I buy for my baby? Who should come visit and when is a good time? When can I take a plane trip with my daughter? How long should I let my son cry? How will I know the right thing to do?—and then second-guess each decision once you make it. And, unfor-tunately, you’ll continually hear a wide range of contra- dictory advice, including from people whom you didn’t even ask. When your stack of books, your mom, and even strangers on the elevator all have varying opinions on any given subject, who’s got the right answer?

Relax. Any experienced parent will tell you that the first year is filled with discoveries, and included in those is fig-uring out what works for you and your baby. It’s a constantly evolving, sometimes perplexing, and ultimately rewarding process. Along the way, try not to be so confounded by all the information (Do this! Don’t do that! Don’t ever do that!) that you can’t see straight. Whether you believe it right now or not, you will come to trust yourself and your instincts. You will get to know your baby and yourself as a parent. Daily navigation of all the big and small parenting choices gets you up to speed in a hurry, and, eventually, all new parents must decide for themselves what feels right for their own family. But for now, what can really help is reassuring, empathetic, helpful advice from people who have been there. Twice.

Second-time parents—as savvy and unflappable as they seem when you see them at the park or the grocery store—

[ i n t r o d u c t i o n ]

6

7

HowToHaveSecondChildFirst_INT.indd 6-7 11/3/09 3:25:24 PM

have all been sitting exactly where you are, not that long ago. They were hovering over their first babies and sweating about everything, and they clearly remember what it was like the (nerve-wracking) first time around. Now, these second-timers do things a little differently. And, by following their lead, so can you.

Case in Point:f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : Gotta get home to sterilize this dropped pacifier.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Whoops, the baby’s eating dirt again.

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s sleeping, everybody be quiet.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s sleeping, let’s have our friends over!

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : Oh, let’s see, I’d say it takes both of us about an hour to get our baby off to bed.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Look, I can give my baby a sponge bath and read my toddler a bedtime story simultaneously!

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s crying . . . we’d better leave.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Crying? What crying?

You see, once a second child comes along, not only are parents more confident from all that invaluable experience, they simply have less time, energy, and patience to spend doting, fussing, and perhaps even obsessing over every little thing. They know babies are resilient, that everything is a stage, and that things generally turn out okay. Add in the fact that they’ve given up on any illusions they might’ve had about how parenthood is “supposed” to be, and you get parents who approach every single task differently. You might say they lighten up. They defi-nitely cut some corners. And, out of necessity, they become very, very efficient. They’ve learned that it’s okay to do all sorts of things that they never would’ve considered the first time around.

Second-timers have no choice but to set aside some of the worry, find tricks to make things easier and faster, and factor in the needs of the whole family (yes, including themselves!) rather than just those of the baby. They’ve stopped sweating the small stuff, from funny noises in the night to traveling with baby to leaving their newborn with a sitter. No more compulsively looking things up in books, neurotically compar-ing notes with all the other parents, or feeling guilty over little mistakes made—no, second-time parents have learned to relax and enjoy more, stress less, and not hover.

Meanwhile, those wonderful second babies, with much less attention showered upon them, turn out just fine—and are often described as more adaptable, relaxed, and independent than their older siblings. Parents often wonder aloud at how “good” their second babies seem in compari-son to how they remember their first—more patient, calmer, less work—but is it really the second child’s disposition, or their own attitude, that has changed? Does number two really sleep better, or is it just that instead of being endlessly rocked and checked on, he’s learned to soothe himself because Mom was busy giving the first child a bath?

Let’s be honest. It isn’t possible to totally embrace the more laid-back, everything’s-okay attitude of a second-time parent the first time around. It’s one thing to intellectually understand that the world doesn’t end with a skipped nap, that a little crying never killed anyone, and that it really is okay to take a shower. But it’s another thing to really feel it, believe it, and parent that way. Still, it helps to hear it straight from second-time parents that you will get through the seemingly endless ups and downs, that everything really will be fine.

And, as with any job, sometimes acting like you’re more experienced than you actually are might make you start to feel more confident. We hope this book helps inspire that confidence. Rather than telling you all the things to worry about with your new baby and all the things not to do, this book is here to remind you of what second-time parents have learned you can do, what you should do. And really, you can do it.

8

9

HowToHaveSecondChildFirst_INT.indd 8-9 11/3/09 3:25:25 PM

have all been sitting exactly where you are, not that long ago. They were hovering over their first babies and sweating about everything, and they clearly remember what it was like the (nerve-wracking) first time around. Now, these second-timers do things a little differently. And, by following their lead, so can you.

Case in Point:f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : Gotta get home to sterilize this dropped pacifier.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Whoops, the baby’s eating dirt again.

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s sleeping, everybody be quiet.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s sleeping, let’s have our friends over!

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : Oh, let’s see, I’d say it takes both of us about an hour to get our baby off to bed.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Look, I can give my baby a sponge bath and read my toddler a bedtime story simultaneously!

f i r s t - t i m e p a r e n t : The baby’s crying . . . we’d better leave.s e c o n d - t i m e p a r e n t : Crying? What crying?

You see, once a second child comes along, not only are parents more confident from all that invaluable experience, they simply have less time, energy, and patience to spend doting, fussing, and perhaps even obsessing over every little thing. They know babies are resilient, that everything is a stage, and that things generally turn out okay. Add in the fact that they’ve given up on any illusions they might’ve had about how parenthood is “supposed” to be, and you get parents who approach every single task differently. You might say they lighten up. They defi-nitely cut some corners. And, out of necessity, they become very, very efficient. They’ve learned that it’s okay to do all sorts of things that they never would’ve considered the first time around.

Second-timers have no choice but to set aside some of the worry, find tricks to make things easier and faster, and factor in the needs of the whole family (yes, including themselves!) rather than just those of the baby. They’ve stopped sweating the small stuff, from funny noises in the night to traveling with baby to leaving their newborn with a sitter. No more compulsively looking things up in books, neurotically compar-ing notes with all the other parents, or feeling guilty over little mistakes made—no, second-time parents have learned to relax and enjoy more, stress less, and not hover.

Meanwhile, those wonderful second babies, with much less attention showered upon them, turn out just fine—and are often described as more adaptable, relaxed, and independent than their older siblings. Parents often wonder aloud at how “good” their second babies seem in compari-son to how they remember their first—more patient, calmer, less work—but is it really the second child’s disposition, or their own attitude, that has changed? Does number two really sleep better, or is it just that instead of being endlessly rocked and checked on, he’s learned to soothe himself because Mom was busy giving the first child a bath?

Let’s be honest. It isn’t possible to totally embrace the more laid-back, everything’s-okay attitude of a second-time parent the first time around. It’s one thing to intellectually understand that the world doesn’t end with a skipped nap, that a little crying never killed anyone, and that it really is okay to take a shower. But it’s another thing to really feel it, believe it, and parent that way. Still, it helps to hear it straight from second-time parents that you will get through the seemingly endless ups and downs, that everything really will be fine.

And, as with any job, sometimes acting like you’re more experienced than you actually are might make you start to feel more confident. We hope this book helps inspire that confidence. Rather than telling you all the things to worry about with your new baby and all the things not to do, this book is here to remind you of what second-time parents have learned you can do, what you should do. And really, you can do it.

8

9

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We don’t claim to be parenting experts, doctors, or psychologists. We are simply regular parents—well, the kind who had their first at an age north of thirty-five and who perhaps over-thought, over-researched, and over-fussed just a bit with that one. Today, with two kids ages four and two, we spend a lot of time talking to other second-time parents about all the things we do now that we never would’ve thought to do then, from changing a diaper in a restaurant booth to getting away overnight to letting our new baby sleep in a porta-crib in a corner of the home office without a mobile or “theme” wallpaper in sight. Rather than auto-matically thinking of all the things that could go wrong or all the things the other books advise against, we now look at life with children with the attitude “Well, what’s the worst that can happen?”

This mental shift can give you all sorts of freedom. You see, sometimes, half the battle is just giving yourself permission to try something with your baby that may or may not work out, whether that’s going out to din-ner or trying to get a pedicure with her in tow. Second-time parents are much less worried about making a scene or causing their baby any incon-venience. They have relaxed their expectations on every front. They understand that life must go on, and baby is coming along for the ride.

We hope that by the time you finish our book, you’ll approach every new baby challenge by asking yourself, What would a second-time parent do?

Here are one hundred things we wish we had known the first time around. We hope they help you—and help relax you—on your journey as a new parent.

{authors’ note:

We are fortunate to have had complication- free deliveries and two healthy children, which means we

are parenting and writing from this perspective. Special-needs babies have, well, special needs, and therefore some of

the suggestions may not be practical or advisable for your family. Your individual baby’s health is of paramount importance.

Always consult your doctor with any questions.

}

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