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不想让妈妈担心,我每次都一个人去那间又旧有‘冷漠的 Institute of Health 复诊,都是很无聊的;量体重,身高,有时抽血,其实心里非常难受。。。而且,每一次去都需要等好久啊。。。一个人坐在那里等的滋味,我毕生难忘。。。都是一个人静静流泪。。。
也许,独立的性格就是这样培养出来的吧?
为什么我不能像朋友那样健康?
这样连续了 5 年。。。 Institute of Health 也搬了。。。我的 Case, 被调到 National University Hospital…. 当中,我还去过 KKhospital (Ultrasound Scan- I am not pregnant….) 。。。然后在高中时,又被 Eczema 缠住了,药也一直吃,医生也一直看。。。就这样,延续了整个大学生涯。。。
唯一让我活下去的是:我要让世界更美丽,让快乐给不快乐的人。。。音乐,触动了我的心,让我看到了微小曙光;虽然还是黑暗,但,我感觉到,我可以有梦想,也可以实现它《 Beauty & The Beast, 感谢 Walt Disney 〉
1998 年 -19 岁的日记精粹 (excerpts from my diary for 1998)
•My dreams: to visit the doctor less frequently•I’m scared to face another day, a new day seems frightening to me•I just feel so empty now, I only know I went to see the doctor 4 times during the last 2 months of 1997•I suddenly realise I’ve been feeding on medicines which I don’t’ really know for the past 4 years…Chinese New Year:I did not go visiting as usual & worse still, nobody came to our house…. It’s 年初一today. I feel a bit different this year because father has a job! Previously we would always spend new year in a moody note. This year, things are different somehow and I received $50 from him and was obviously delighted. But I would rather he used the money to get some new clothes for himself. He is a great man. I hope it’s not too late to make amendments. I would want others to be happy before I am happy. Actually I stopped pinning for a reunion dinner. I long forgotten the last time I had one…..•All I yearn for is the kind of family life I’ve seen so much on TV but unable to experience. Having a reunion dinner is one of the first things I yearn for…
•人人对我也只是抱着敷衍的态度,根本没有人真正了解我,关心我,他们不明白我,我却试着去体会他们的心情,到后来,我还是一无所有...(天啊,原来19岁是多么寂寞...现在也还是一样...不过还好,现在有主)No! I mustn’t die right now. I have yet to fulfill my dream to do charity ( 原来,这一份梦想是我唯一活下来的原因...那我为什么现在把它舍弃了?)
Song playing: Reflection - MULAN
1998 年 -19 岁的日记精粹 (excerpts from my diary for 1998)•Joanne came just now….time really flies. I still remembered her stay here just 1 month ago. It seems she was here only last week! She must be totally bewitched by my brother! Anyway, I should congratulate him on his success in finding such a capable girlfriend…..
•Now I listen to songs which none of my friends appreciate…I long to go to Sammi’s concert but noone will accompany me….( 到现在 , 都还没有找到一位朋友陪我去郑秀文的演唱会… . 知音人 , 你在哪里 ?)•Well I know I am not a good friend, when I heard Pei read Martin Luther King, I immediately went to borrow it and I just want to keep our friendship flame burning bright forever. I only find joy in confiding in her. Somehow I did not realise she’s a true buddy until recently…( 原来,19岁时就和佩成为好友...)
•I’m very sad I wont be able to go to the walkathon tomorrow. Peipei seemed very tired so I have to cancel the trip. I thought I can finally find someone who can accompany me to do charity. I feel guilty when I’m unable to do my bit for charity. I don’t understand why…I need help myself yet I wish to extend my hands to others…
超好笑的记录… ..•I always hope to serve national service too then I would be able to know more friends this way….•This is SUPER funny: The Newpaper said that if a woman doesn’t behave femininely in her early 20s, she will have lots of troubles with finding a partner in her 30s. For me, all these don’t bother as I am determined not to get married….(haha, 所以从 19 岁 , 我就认定一辈子都不会爱上任何人…也真的没有被爱上过 ..)
•I better start getting a license so that I can fulfill my dream as a delivery person to go to war-torn areas as a form of indirect support…maybe I can run errands for the doctors and helpers. I’ll be just too glad if they allow me…am I too idealistic ( 好一个梦想 .. 我还没有去考驾照 , 因为无力…但是 , 我还是有做梦驾车…所以我在 2008会成功考取的 ! 我的 Theory test is on 28 May…)
•Whenever Bro comes home on the weekends, he will be hook on the computer for the whole day (to talk to Joanne who’s in Brunei). 难道爱情真得这么重要吗? It can definitely change a person. I don’t understand the minds of these NS ‘boys’. Maybe I can do a biography on them…(haha, 我对爱情 , 永远就是那么笨辍 , 还是不了解… )
•I must set for myself some new set of goals. I must find out the songs sang by Sammi and collect all her music. She’s the only singer who really captured my heart….( 我也真的收集了她的歌 , 也学会了她的每一首歌… )
但是,不知怎么因为工作上的种种压力,使自己又迷失了。。。还因为每一次爱上一份工作而离职后会很心痛。。。Song playing: No way out – BROTHER BEAR
18 岁的日记:•What I really want is a challenging life (yes, I am REALLY leading one now…sighed)
•I want freedom (yes, I have a lot….)
•I want much more than this ordinary life (yes, my life is not typical of ordinary…am broke, jobless, single at 29…
•I want to help the poor! (yes…I fulfilled this dream…..but fell down deeply…but climbing up again…MSF, I will pursue you my whole life!)
•I cannot always say that I am unfortunate (hey, aren’t I sensible at age 18 when I had quite a bit of problems to count blessings, … 不过很感谢神的恩典 , 让我一次又一次的从病魔手中战胜 )
•God is fair & just (hey hey lady, I did NOT know God then…yet I wrote to HIM in all my diary entries, believing HE is alive…and HE heard me, brought me to him through Shirleen in 1999!)
•I must learn to be happy and live on with life (hey…this is what I need to hear now and write it down in my blog entry…I WANA live on happily!)
14 岁的日记:•I hated the course of life, my sister & everything. But I had to continue living on, for sake of mom and myself. I guess nobody ever shed so much tears like I do (It was the 1st year of babysitting sis…I almost gone crazy…I had to bathe a less than 1 year old baby, feed her, cut her tiny nails, put her to bed, fold her nappy…everything I did, was for mom…BUT today, sis is my best friend, I learnt that LOVE is a decision)
•I appear so cheerful and lively in school but it’s the opposite at home (hmm, am still struggling with Home.Love)
•Today is an unlucky day. I knew that Mr Connor will definitely call my name. Hah…..! I had to pay $51 for my school fees….(no $ for GIRO deduction….) I wanted to buy a pair of shoes I like but now couldn’t afford it..
•I know I have sinned….i started to hate everything including myself, O levels had ended and I seem to have moved home officially. But I really wish I can go back to Auntie’s house. I enjoyed the times spent with 秀忆. (95, Dad finally sold our Tampines house, and we had no permanent house to stay…so I was ‘stranded’ at Aunt’s house that is just opposite TKGS, where I had O levels…I enjoyed my stay with cousin秀忆… she’s also my good friend now)
•And yes, why do I keep having sore throat? For the last 5 years, I’ve been living in fear. I fear I may just die like this. I don’t want. there are plenty of things awaiting for me to complete…(hey hey, why am I not as enthusiastic about life now?)
•It’s going to be 96 soon. I want a pair of blue shoes….( 从 95 年到 96 年 , 我还是没有钱买一双鞋… .我的鞋 ,只有一双 ; 就是上学用的…听起来很像‘跑吧 ,孩子’ )