Family Life Ministry

Family Life MinistryFirst Quarter of 2014:

Achieving Effective Family Communication

January - Laws of Communication (Part 1)COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY THROUGH/DESPITE

GENDER DIFFERENCES

March - Parents-Youth Forum (Online Survey Results Take-Away!)

UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMICS OF EFFECTIVE PARENT/CHILD COMMUNICATION

April - Laws of Communication (Part 2)THE POWER & INFLUENCE OF CHOICES IN EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Responses…Thanks!Parent-Youth Forum Survey

Parents 40 95 42%Youths 20 59 34%Total 60 154 39%

Communication!• This quarter we are examining the subject of

communication effectiveness in the family setting

• We are exploring questions such as:– What principles guide good communication? – On the other hand, what are elements to watch for to

avoid poor/bad communication?– What are the consequences of poor/bad communication? – What amounts to positive or negative communication

patterns?

The Power of the Tongue!• Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in

the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. – If there is a fruit, then there was a seed – We are sowing seeds everyday with our words– When those seeds germinate, they will produce

fruits (positive or negative)– We must watch the seeds you are sowing!

Bible Text• Proverbs 15:2 2The tongue of the wise

useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

• Proverbs 18:6-7 A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes. A fool's mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.

What is Communication?• Transmission of Meaning! • We defined communication as the

art or act of conveying intent to a recipient either by words or impulse.

The Communication Cycle!

SURVEY RESULTS

Parents and Youths Feedback…Side-by-Side Comparison

RATING OF THE OVERALL QUALITY OF FAMILY COMMUNICATION

Let’s remind ourselves what the question is and the two extremes…

• Overall, how do you rate your level of comfort and openness in communication with your child or parent?– Extremely comfortable and very open (I can speak with him

openly on any subject without reservation)– Quite comfortable but not very open (Its ok, but I don’t feel

comfortable discussing a few subjects with him)– Moderately comfortable (I don't feel comfortable discussing on

some subjects/issues/concerns with him)– Slightly comfortable (I don't feel comfortable discussing on many

subjects/issues/concerns with him)– Not at all comfortable (I don't feel comfortable discussing on

any subjects/issues/concerns with him)

OBSERVATIONS OVERALL QUALITY OF FAMILY COMMUNICATION

• Parents overwhelmingly (95%) agree that their quality of communication with their children, measured in terms of openness & comfort is excellent; only 1 of 40 (2.5%) said it is slightly to not uncomfortable

• Youths on the other hand do not see same quality of communication with their parents, their evaluation of the level of comfort & openness is rated positive by 30% and negative by 40% (8 of 20)…almost half vs. practically none from parents’ point of view!

• The result is slightly better between children & moms @ 35% vs. 40% for dads…for all practical purpose it is same!

QUESTIONS!• The first question that comes to mind is why do almost all parents

(38/40) feel so positive, confident or comfortable about the openness in communication with their children, but our children only 50% agree with such evaluation of their ability or willingness to discuss any subject with us as parents without reservation?

• Why such difference in the evaluation of confidence by parents vs. children?

• Are parents making assumptions that need to be re-evaluated or are youths assuming their parent are not approachable?

RATING OF THE COMMUNICATION ENVIRONMENT / ATMOSPHERE IN THE HOME

Let’s remind ourselves what the question is and the two extremes…

• How will you rate the atmosphere in your home for effective communication?– Hostile (you can hardly say anything without being

misunderstood)– Fair (I sometimes sense reluctance to effective communication in

our home)– Acceptable (its ok, but there are times its feels difficult to

communicate and I want to hold back)– Good (we have a very good atmosphere for open

communication)– Excellent (we have a very open and receptive atmosphere that

promotes open communication)

OBSERVATIONSTHE HOME’s COMMUNICATION ENVIRONMENT

• Again parents lean towards positive evaluation of their home’s communication environment …

• ¾ of parents (72.5%) are positive about their home’s communication environment, while ¼ (25%) of youths experience such positivity!

• With our youths almost half of the respondents are negative (45%) i.e. they rate their home’s communication environment as hostile…where you can hardly say anything without being misunderstood!

• Youths are 5x more likely to rate their home’s communication environment as negative…45% vs. 10%

RATING OF THE DEGREE OF CONNECTION IN FAMILY COMMUNICATION

OBSERVATIONSESTABLISHING CONNECTION IN COMMUNICATION

• Question: My father/mom/child appears disconnected and thinking of something else when I am trying to express my concern on a subject.

• On this question I was actually quite delighted that it was not heavily weighed in the negative, i.e. “always disconnected”

• Though there are some concerns, it is ~ 3 of 60 (5%) negative response, it mostly weighed towards occasional (sometimes) disconnection

• What can we do to improve on this on both sides (parents and youths)?

RATING OF DEGREE OF WILLINGNESS TO STEP INTO THE PARENT OR CHILD’S WORLD TO SEE THE OTHER’S P.O.V

OBSERVATIONSSEEING EACH OTHER’S POINT OF VIEW…

• Question: My parents make an effort to understand my point of view on any subject being discussed.

• Again this is not as concerning…it is mostly positive at least sometimes…

• But we have a 10% of our youths that said their parents “never” make the effort to understand their point of view…though a small percentage it is a source of concern!

• What can we do to improve on this on both sides (parents and youths)?

RATING OF DEGREE OF QUALITY TIME VS. ELECTRONIC TIME!

OBSERVATIONSQUALITY TIME VS. ELECTRONIC TIME

• Agreement (55% consensus) by both parents and youths on 5-30 minutes time in meaningful conversation daily

• The cause is seen in the second question, which reveals the effect of today’s electronics culture in the home…

• 90% spend more time on electronics than we do in meaningful family conversation!

• We all need to re-evaluate the consequence of “me” (ipad, ilife, ifamily, ihome) time on our communication quality!

• What can we do to improve on this on both sides (parents and youths)?

RATING OF OUR LEGACY ON COMMUNICATION

OBSERVATIONS LEGACY OF COMMUNICATION?

• For the most part parents and youths are in agreement on this very important item @ 90% and 80% respectively

• Let’s always be conscious of the fact that as parents our children will likely repeat what they learn from us through character modeling…

RATING OF WILLINGNESS TO COMMUNICATE WITH PARENTS

OBSERVATIONSWILLINGNESS TO COMMUNICATE WITH PARENTS

• I am concerned about the “yes” responses to this question…though it is 15% (6 of 40), our children / youths should not be more apt/willing to take their concerns to someone outside the home!

• Do those youths feel they can’t talk to their parents?

• What could the parents concerned have done that perpetuated such feelings among their children?

• How can this be corrected?

RECOMMENDATIONS (THINGS TO REMEMBER)

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember • As the survey reveals, a key point is that similar to

gender differences, parents and youths do perceive things differently (perception is reality!)

• Both parents and youths should be willing to understand each other’s perspective

• Honest communication between parents and children is important (there should be no subject that is a “no-go” area, even when we disagree because of perspective)

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember • Disagreeing about view points is beneficial to both

parent and child…it allows the child to hear what the parents think and it allows the parents to hear what the child thinks

• As parents, take responsibility to be your child’s primary educator; otherwise they will get information on important subjects from popular culture around them

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember

• As parents, be clear around expectations, attitudes, beliefs and values, and share them with your child…

• But, know that your child challenging and examining values can be a powerful influence in their development…

• Don’t let it be a put-off…turn it into an opportunity for conversation and clarifications of expectations

• As Children, you have a responsibility to understand that every decision carries with it choices and consequences

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember

• Share your feelings with your child; encourage your child to share his/her feelings

• Practice listening actively without judgment or criticism, in order to foster an environment where your child feels comfortable in approaching you

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember

• Affirm and validate your child…this will promote healthy self-esteem, courage and decision-making ability…and will help them to open up to you

• Be connected with their world. Be curious about their interests (music, TV, sports, etc.) and know their friends

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember • Admit if you don’t know the answer to a

question and make sure to get back to your teen with the answer (or investigate the answer together from scripture and other resources)

• Stay connected by discussing information on different subjects in an ongoing open dialogue…parents & children should search the scripture and share biblical perspective on subjects being discussed

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember

• Ask questions that open the door for discussion…– Invite your teen to share her/his own observations,

opinions and ideas, this can be a good way to ease into the discussion on key/difficult subjects

– Validate their questions and really listen without judging when they answer

• Be an “ask-able” parent, by rewarding questions with, “I’m glad you came to me.” It will teach your children to come to you when they have other questions and that you are open to talking without judging

Themes for Parents & Youths to Remember

• Consider the “question behind the question”– The unspoken question!–Don’t wait until they ask a question to start

the conversations – many children never ask questions!

• Make the most of daily opportunities to hold a conversation…talk while in the car, having a snack, at bedtime, family prayer time, etc.

Conversation Starters & SlammersGood Conversation Starters :• What do you think? • That’s a good question. I want to

understand how you feel…• Tell me what that means to

you…• I’m glad you told me about

that…• I think you are saying that

you...is that what you mean?• Tell me more…

Conversation Door Slammers:• You’re too young! • Where did you hear that? • Why do you want to know

about?• If you say that word again, I’ll…. • That’s none of your business! • I don’t care what your friends

are doing or saying…• We’ll talk about that when you

need to know!

IN CLOSING…

• Proverbs 15:2 2The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.

• Please meditates on these information (knowledge) and pray that will help you to use it aright and God will expand your wisdom in this important aspect of the family life!

Q&A + Prayer• What questions do you have?• Let us all pray for our families:• Pray that God will help us as parents and

youths to understand each other’s perspective and improve quality of communication in our homes

• Pray that God will be at the center of the communication cycle in your home