Family Life Ministry May/June 2011

Family Life MinistryMay/June 2011

Q2/3 Theme: Building Effective Family Relationships

Topic: Improving Parent/Child Understanding &

Communication

Text – Ephesians 6:1-4

• 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”[a]

4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Text’s Key Words Definition

Obey• 1. to comply with or follow a command,

restriction, wish, instruction, etc.• 3. (of things) to respond conformably in action

to: The car obeyed the slightest touch of the steering wheel

• 4. to carry out instructions or orders; comply with demands

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/car


Honor• 1. to hold in honor or high respect;

revere• 2. to hold in respect or esteem • 3. to show courteous behavior towards

Focus: Parents’ Perspective…Ephesians 6:1-4


Provoke• 1. to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex• 2. to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or

activity)• 3. to incite or stimulate a person to action• 4. to infuriate • 5. to cause to act or behave in a certain manner; incite or

stimulate • 6. to promote certain feelings, especially anger,

indignation in a person


Wrath:• 1. strong, stern, or fierce anger; deeply

resentful indignation • 2. vengeance or punishment as the

consequence of anger.• The word indignation caught my attention• We see it also as one of the potential outcome

of being provoked (last definition)

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/the


• So I checked out the definition…• Indignation: anger or scorn aroused by something felt to

be unfair, unworthy, or wrong• Synonyms: resentment, exasperation, wrath• Antonyms: calm

• Note that from the definition, the “something” does not have to be “unfair”

• It is “felt” (perceived, seen, considered) to be unfair• Please keep this point in mind this evening…

Fairness?

• i.e. the parent’s action can be perfectly fair from his/her point of view

• Yet the child perceives and interprets the action as unfair

• As a result the child reacts with Wrath: 1. strong, stern, or fierce anger; deeply resentful indignation; 2. vengeance or punishment as the consequence of anger.– 4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to

wrath… (Eph 6:4)


Question

• How can you potentially provoke your children to wrath (anger, indignation)–Please give examples–Eph 6:4 - …and you, fathers, do not provoke

your children to wrath…

Questions/Comments from our Youths

• Why do our parents always compare us with other kids?

• 2 Corinthians 10:12 (KJV)For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+10:12&version=KJV


• Why don’t our parent trust us more?–we could learn from our mistakes…

• Parents need to give a little space/freedom for their children (teens) to prove their sense of responsibility and gain trust….


• Why don’t we get “Thank you” or “I really appreciate what you’re doing more often?

• I think parents should show more appreciation for the things they ask or expect us to do…

• …we are not going to keep doing things that you expect us to do…e.g. if you expect your teen to wash the dishes in the sink without you asking them, and they do, parent should show that they care about the help…


• How can I tell my parents about something wrong I did?…I already know how they will react because it’s not easy to talk to them

• Have you ever scolded your child for something you had a part in, but acted like it was all your child’s fault without acknowledging that you did something wrong?


• Why don’t you let me explain what happened before believing what someone else says?

• Why can’t you stop placing a curse on me when you are angry at me? Example: “Your children would do the same to you”


• Why do our parents argue all the time? • Why is it that if you talk to your

parents they take you as a joke?• Why is it so difficult for parents to

trust their daughters but they trust their sons? Trust is a big issue…

1. I am not a child anymore• Almost more than anything, teens want respect

for their status as maturing young adults• Continuing to be treated as a child feels

demeaning• Recognize, that teens come in varying stages of

maturity, and it is important to tailor your reactions to your teen’s level

What Teens Wish Their Parents Knew About Them

2. I act like I’m ready to be an adult, but I am scared to death of becoming one

• Whether or not your teen is ready to be treated like an adult, he or she is typically overwhelmed with that impending responsibility

• Parents who are able to blend a little respect with a little sensitivity for their situation can be a great resource for their teens


3. Friends are becoming more important to me• Part of the transition process through which

teens progress is moving from dependence on parents to independence

• Part of that process involves a gradual separation from parents to others, including friends

• This is natural, expected and appropriate• It is a process that we should support and be

excited about as parents


4. I question lots of things that I didn’t used to question• A big part of the maturation process is learning to think

and feel for one’s self • Teens may start questioning why they do things you tell

them to do• They may question basic beliefs and values that your

family has embraced• This questioning process is healthy and normal• Stay available to help them through the questioning

process



5. My hormones are doing weird things to me, and I can’t tell why

• Recognize that hormones may be at the root of some uncomfortable teenage behaviors

• However, don’t let them use it as an excuse

6. Sometimes, I just need to be alone• Teens have a tendency to withdraw a little while

they are figuring out their world - They may be pretty chatty with their friends, but may retreat into their own space when at home

• This tendency is also natural and for the most part should not be alarming

• If it becomes extreme, then you should be concerned


7. Sometimes, I just want you to listen• Parents often tend to want to be problem-solvers and jump

right into a conversation with advice• Resist that temptation and try from time to time to just

listen• Many times conversations between parents and teenagers is

a chance for a teen to “work it out on their own” with you listening in

• Give them that chance to learn to deal with life’s issues rationally and reasonably without you jumping in to solve the issues


8. I need you to be consistent• Teens expect and feel most comfortable when

parents stick by rule and behave consistently• Don’t constantly change curfews - have a rule

and stick with it• The consistency will help give your teen

something to rely on - an anchor in the storm of life


9. Walk your talk• Teens get frustrated when parents say one thing

and do another• Keep your commitments - teens would rather

have no promise than a broken one• Set a good example and keep your commitments http://fatherhood.about.com/od/dadsandteens/a/dadsknowteens.htm


http://fatherhood.about.com/od/dadsandteens/a/dadsknowteens.htm

Fairness?

• The parent’s action can be perfectly fair from his/her point of view


• As a result the child reacts with Wrath: 1. strong, stern, or fierce anger; deeply resentful indignation; 2. vengeance or punishment as the consequence of anger.– 4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to

wrath… (Eph 6:4)


Focus: Children’s Perspective… Ephesians 6:1-4




Recap of Parents’ Perspective

• The parent’s action can be perfectly fair from his/her point of view


• As a result the child reacts with wrath…– 1. strong, stern, or fierce anger; deeply resentful

indignation; – 2. vengeance or punishment as the consequence of anger.

• 4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath… (Eph 6:4)


Recap of Parents’ Perspective

Question: How could we potentially provoke our children to wrath?

1. Not Listening - ineffective/poor communication• Proverbs 18:13 - He who answers a matter

before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.• Its important to listen (hear) and understand

your child’s view on a subject/issue• Make an effort to listen actively (don’t interrupt)

Recap of Parents’ Perspective…ineffective/poor communication

– Tone of voice…keep your calm!

2. Perception of being treated unfairly• Be balanced across siblings…

3. Feeling unappreciated• Show appreciation for effort/results in ways that work for

your family…but ensure the recipient can make the connection between your words of appreciation and what was done to earn it





Obey• 1. to comply with or follow a command,

restriction, wish, instruction, etc.• 3. (of things) to respond conformably in action

to: The car obeyed the slightest touch of the steering wheel

• 4. to carry out instructions or orders; comply with demands

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/car

Text 2: Colossians 3:20

• 20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.

• Note…in all things!


Honor• 1. to hold in high respect • 2. to revere; esteem • 3. to show courteous behavior

towards

Children/Youth Expectation

• Never! despise (hold in low esteem) your parents or their instructions

• Proverbs 15:5 – A fool despiseth his father’s instruction; but he that regardeth reproof is prudent.

• Proverbs 15:20 – A wise son maketh a glad father; but a foolish man despiseth his mother.


• Regardless of how you read your parents’ intention…they have your best interest at heart

• There is a reason why a child cannot head a government…maturity & experience is required in leadership!


• Parents over the years have learned through different circumstances, giving them a wealth of experience & wisdom, which children will only learn with age

• “Even if you have as many cloths as the

elderly, you cannot have as many old/worn cloths as one” – Yoruba Proverb


• Even when you feel you “know” better or your parents don’t understand on a topic/issue, there cannot be two captains in the same ship!–The outcome will be tragic (capsizing)…and

nobody wins • If there is a difference of opinion…default to

the authority and trust the wisdom of your parents by obeying their instructions

Word of Caution

• Proverbs 20:20 – Whoso curseth his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness.

• Never curse (abuse) your parents if you want God to light your path in life (walk unhindered; shine; not be obscured)

God’s Standard

• Parenting styles will be different, but God’s expectation/standard does not differ!

• God expects that you hold your parents in honor (respect) and high esteem and be obedient to their instructions in all things

Rewards for obedience & honoring your parents

• Ephesians 6:1-3; Proverbs 3:1-2– It will be well with you– Long life

• Proverbs 1:8-9– Beauty & color is added to your life

• Proverbs 4:1– You develop your understanding

• Proverbs 5:1-2– Your gain discretion (knowing what and what not to say

or do)




Q&A

• Q&A on both sides…– What questions do you have about the parental &

children expectation as noted in Ephesians 6:1-4

Closing• Questions?– What questions do you have about today’s

teaching?• Prayer Point:– Children: Lord grant me the grace to be totally

obedient to and honor my parents that it may be well with me…

– Parents: Lord grant me the wisdom to be effective in my effort to bring up my children in your admonition without provoking them to wrath…

Reference

• Q3 Theme: Building Effective Family Relationships

• Regular Family Meetings: http://video.about.com/fatherhood/How-to-Have-a-Family-Meeting.htm

http://video.about.com/fatherhood/How-to-Have-a-Family-Meeting.htm

http://video.about.com/fatherhood/How-to-Have-a-Family-Meeting.htm

Family Life Ministry May/June 2011

Documents

wrath anger

fierce anger

consequence of anger

parents action

children teens

parents perspectiveephesians

mistakes parents

resentful indignation