Tough Conversations: What to Say and How to Say it Lory A. Fischler Leadership Development Services, LL Phoenix, AZ
Tough Conversations:What to Say and How to Say it
Lory A. FischlerLeadership Development Services, LL
Phoenix, AZ
What’s Your Biggest Challenge?
Giving constructive feedback?
Dealing with difficult people?
Speaking up when you are angry or hurt?
Or……?
An important issue that is getting in the way. A problem that has persisted. A conversation you have in your head, or
with others than with the right person. An issue that you communicate through
body language and tone, rather than through conversation.
An incident that keeps surfacing in your thoughts.
What is a ‘Tough Conversation?’
Think and Write.
What is the Tough Conversation you want to work on today?
Session Outcomes
Learn how to… Prepare for a tough conversation Address issues in a climate of
respect Avoid pushing “buttons” Manage conflict effectively Come to resolution
Meet Karen and Ken
Getting Started: Prepare Yourself Before your tough conversation, ask yourself:
“What do I really want to achieve?”
Is this about me being right?
Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong?
Am I looking for an apology?
Check in with Yourself
“Begin with the end in mind.” -Stephen Covey
Where do you want both of you to be at the end of your conversation?
Think and Write
Why do I want to hold this conversation? What do I really hope to achieve?
Check in: Is this about me being right? Am I trying to get them to say they were wrong? Am I looking for an apology?
Where do I want both of us to be at the end?
Understand Your Triggers What pushes your buttons?
The other person’s style? The substance/issue? The feelings it generated in you about
yourself?
75% of People Are Different Than You
Think differently Decide differently Use time differently Work at a different pace Communicate differently Handle emotions differently Manage stress differently Deal with conflicting opinions
differently
AnalyticalAnalyzing
DriverAchieving
Being rightValue good thinking
Focus on process, dataLogical
Being the best Value action and decisions
Focus on end resultPractical
AmiableContributing
ExpressiveInfluencing
Being kindValue feelings
Focus on appreciationSupportive
Being influentialValue being includedFocus on the future
Motivational
Style or Substance?
Think and Write• Which best represents your style?• Which best represents their style?• What got in the way?
AnalyticalAnalyzing/Being Right
DriverAchieving/Being the Best
AmiableContributing/Being
Appreciated
ExpressiveInfluencing/Being
Influential
What’s Behind Our Emotion?
Our Inner VoiceBeing competent
Being a good personBeing worthy
Being respected
Reflect
What feelings did this issue tap into for you?
Being competent Being a good person Being worthy Being respected
We All Have a Story We are always the hero of our story
We think they are the problem. They think we are the problem.
Ask yourself….
“In what way might I also have contributed to this problem?”
Look for Mutual Contribution
Could I be part of the problem?
Think and Write
In what way might you have contributed to the problem?
• Start With Common Ground1• State Your Purpose for the Conversation2 • Keep it Respectful3• State Observations; Share Conclusions4• Listen to Their Story5• Work Through the Differences6• Come to Agreement7
Seven Steps for Tough Conversations
Step One: Start with Common Ground Talk about…
What you share together What you both stand to gain
Focus on what brings you together, not what is keeping you apart.
Start with “We…” “We both care about….” “We both want….” “I am concerned about… and I know you are too…”
Write a “Common Ground” opening to initiate your own critical conversation.
Hint: Start with “We both…”
Think and Write
Step Two: State Your Purpose
What is the real reason for this conversation? Avoid “easing in.” Get to the point. Tell them what you want as an outcome.
Both parties must feel respected and free to express opinion without repercussions
Don’t push their buttons Don’t accuse Don’t attack Don’t blame Don’t defend
Don’t let them push your buttons.
Step Three: Keep It Respectful
Call attention to their tone, words, body language in a calm, assertive way
Restate your common ground purpose (“We both care …”)
Tell them how their behavior is keeping you both from getting what you want to achieve
When It Feels Disrespectful
AnalyticalAnalyzing/Being Right
DriverAchieving/Being the Best
Go slowerBe thoughtful
Use process, dataBe logical
Go faster Get to the point
Focus on the end resultBe practical
AmiableContributing/Being
Appreciated
ExpressiveInfluencing/Being Involved
Be kindDemonstrate feelings
Focus on their contributionBe supportive
Be upbeatAbout influence
Focus on the futureBe inclusive
Respond in Their Style
What behaviors best meet their needs? What can you do more of?
What can you do less of?
Reflect and Write
Observations: Facts Non-debatable
Conclusions: Our interpretation of an experience….. Which becomes our “truth”….. Which becomes our “story”
Step Four: State Observations; Share Conclusions
Observation or Conclusion?You come into
work late.You don’t respect your co-workers.
You made a commitment
that you didn’t keep.
You are unreliable.
When I was looking for
support, you didn’t speak up.
I can’t count on you.
We judge ourselves by our own good intention,
But…..
We judge others by their behavior.
What Gets in the Way
Not So Good:“You come in late on a regular basis. You clearly don’t care about your team.”
Better: “When you come in late on a regular basis, it makes me think you are not really committed to our team.”
Tell your “story” as a story, not as fact
Jot down your observations about your situation – the facts.
Next, jot down your conclusions – your assumptions .
Which have you been operating on?
Think and Write
Step Five: Listen to Their Story
Do You Really Listen? Or do you…
Fake attention? Multi-task during listening? Become easily distracted? Become emotional or argumentative? Judge speaker’s message or delivery? Tune out if dry or uninteresting? Listen just for facts? Interrupt to insert your point of view? Listen mainly to find your own opening? Run through a rebuttal in your head?
Check All That Apply to You
The Payoffs for Listening You learn what their real issues are You don’t waste time fixing the wrong
problem If you listen to them, they might listen to you Sometimes that’s all they really needed 90% of the time, it reduces their hostility You make them feel like you care It gives you time to think
On the table are both issues and feelings. Feelings trump logic Address the issues only after you
acknowledge emotions
Avoid behaviors that escalate emotions.
Step Six: Work Through the Differences
It’s Not Just What You Say
What We Do Level of InfluenceOur Words 7%
Tone of Voice 38%
Body Language 55%
Behaviors That Escalate Emotions
Not listening Defending Attacking Interrupting Denying Telling them what to do Telling them they are wrong
Turn Negatives to PositivesNEGATIVES POSITIVES
“You’re wrong!” “I see it differently”
“I disagree with you!”
“I have a different take on that.”
“That’s not true!” “Here’s another way to look at
that.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!”
“Let me offer another
perspective.”
Analyze the Issues Together What part of their position
Do you agree with? Can you agree with?
What part of your position can you get them to agree to?
5 Ways to Break Through Conflict
Strategy #1 Think and Talk Like a Mediator
Use a third party perspective.
Strategy #2 Explore and Ask
Try asking questions rather than demand and insist
Questions Get Answers; Statements Get Resistance
5 Ways to Break Through Conflict
Strategy #3Discuss options, not positions
Your position is where you have disagreement Options give you choices Options keep you at the table longer
5 Ways to Break Through Conflict
Strategy #4Ask for Their Help
Equals the playing field Let’s them be in the driver’s seat Taps into people’s desire to be helpful More likely to get them to act when you
tell them what you need Keeps you from telling them what to do
5 Ways to Break Through Conflict
Strategy #5Use a credible source to show support
Neutral, important, respected
5 Ways to Break Through Conflict
Summarize your agreements. Create an action plan for moving forward. Talk optimistically about your mutual future.
Step Seven: Come to Agreement
If You Get Stuck Acknowledge that you are stuck. Talk about what you have agreed to. Agree to return to the “stuck” area at
another time. Look “outside the box” for new
strategies that might reveal new options.
Ten Tips for Success1. Even if you have authority, speak as a peer.
Don’t let power get in the way. It’s a short term win.
2. Use “I” statements; Reserve “we” statements for creating common ground.
3. Make eye-contact at key times to gauge emotion.
4. Stick to the topic; Don’t add on other issues.
5. Continually check for mutual understanding.
Ten Tips for Success6. Make sure you both agree on the problem
before moving on to exploring solutions.
7. Balance your talking with listening. Ask a question. Listen. Don’t interrupt.
8. Ask for their reaction to key statements – especially if they go quiet.
9. Focus on alternative views rather than disagree.
10. Talk more about moving forward than looking back.
What people tell us
Good things happened when they…..
really listened set aside personal agenda shared personal history didn’t lecture or tell the other person what
to do came with the intention to improve the
relationship
What people tell us
The Outcome They learned something they didn’t
know They clarified a misunderstanding Their relationship improved They built trust
Questions
Insights
Jot down one new strategy, idea or insight that will help you with the challenges you face with tough conversations.