Bartolomeo&PerottoOctober2013

OCTOBER 2013

“October is the fallen leaf, but it

is also a wider horizon more clearly seen.”

~Hal Borland

Continued...

Role of Faith in Grief

If you have read a book recently authored by a “grief professional,” the role of faith

might have been completely overlooked. While the book likely discussed “spirituality” in some broadly-defined, esoteric terms, you may have concluded that spirituality could be just about anything. In some ways, this reluctance to discuss the role of faith in grief is not surprising since approximately 20% of American adults answer opinion polls by saying they have no religious preference (Glenn, 2013).

Yet, in my counseling career in the Los Angeles area, admittedly not one of the most religiously connected regions on the planet, I found relatively few bereaved people who did not confess some sort of religious heritage, and the beliefs developed through that heritage had a remarkable impact on their experience with grief. In moments of mass tragedy, we seem to derive comfort from the religious. Can anyone forget the flocking to houses of worship in the days after 9/11 or President Obama’s prolific use of scripture

and religious references in his memorial address after the Sandy Hook School shooting? Perhaps this is because faith, however imperfectly formed in our hearts, still has a capacity to speak comfort in the midst of loss.

Bereaved people often reach for scriptural references in the midst of loss. We depend on allusions to heaven and the afterlife. We seek comfort from an unseen God in the ancient Hebrew poetry of Psalms (“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…”). We often reach back in the recesses of our minds to mouth the words of the Lord’s Prayer (“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…”). Relatively few bereaved individuals I have met believe that their loved ones had simply ceased to exist; rather, they picture their loved one living in a blissful afterlife.

Important to recognize, however, is that on the way to this reaffirmation of “traditional” faith beliefs,

many people experience profound spiritual crises. Just recently following a talk I gave on grief, a mother told me how she had prayed for her children’s safety throughout their lives and when her 41-year old son committed suicide, she felt let down by God. “He doesn’t really answer prayers, does he,” she rhetorically asked me after the workshop. Many of her “church friends” (her words, not mine) had told her that she should not feel that way and had attempted to coach her on the

The ...faith, however imperfectly formed in our hearts, still has a

capacity to speak comfort in the midst

of loss.

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William G. Hoy is a counselor and educator with more than 25 years experience working with people in grief and the professionals who care for them. In addition to his oversight of a large hospice bereavement program, Dr. Hoy teaches on the faculties of Baylor University and Marian University.

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Bill Hoy • Contributing Editor • [email protected] Created and owned by Madsen Ink, Co. • Copyright 2013

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Poetry reaches a part of our soul not likely accessible through other means. Perhaps this is one reason that one portion of scripture shared by Christians and Jews is the Book of Psalms. In these pages, the ancient Hebrew poets pour out their heart cries of desperation, love and praise. Contemporary poems rarely move me as deeply, but they can certainly touch in profound ways.

So it is with a couple of books of short poems discovered recently. Beryl Lawn, MD is a semi-retired psychiatrist who practiced for many years and taught at the medical school near our home. Uniquely, Dr. Lawn was left a paraplegic after being the victim of a violent crime as a young woman—and attended medical school and residency in a wheelchair. Poems from Both Sides of the Fence: A Disabled Physician’s Experiences in Medicine (Texas Review Press/Sam Houston State University, 2011) and its sequel, More Poems from Both Sides of the Fence: Experiences of a Disabled Physician in Medicine (Texas Review Press/Sam Houston State University, 2013) are filled with short, snappy verse that is sure to bring a smile. More than that, the poems touch on a deeper level than mere words alone.

Two examples illustrate:

Too OldDuring my early years in medicine, patients used to frustrate meby saying I was “too young to be a doctor.”I knew things had finally changedthe morning a new patientrefused to see mebecause I was “too old to be a psychiatrist.”

Self SufficientShe was moving cross country,and giving many belongings away.Her friends worried: Could she be depressed? Suicidal?When questioned about the downsizing,she said of her impending move“I have everything I need inside me.”

minor points of faith. I sense that the cajoling on the part of her well-meaning friends did not do much to restore her faith.

In the midst of grief, however, some faith practices seem to be restorative. Time spent reading scripture such as the book of Psalms and other references of encouragement can be helpful. The writings of people of faith who have been hurt deeply can also be powerful, which might partly explain the enduring popularity of writers like Helen Steiner Rice. Biographies of people who have lived through grief can also provide important models and words of encouragement in the depths of grief. Even for those who have not prayed much, prayer can be an extraordinarily meaningful experience, expressing gratitude to God for the life of your loved one as well as for the care of friends, while asking for direction, protection, and comfort in the midst of grief.

And do not overlook the possibilities of gathering for worship in your preferred faith community. Simply being with others in community has been restorative for many bereaved people who did not consider themselves particularly religious.

After a loved one’s death, most of us become extremely interested in spiritual matters. Give faith a try as you navigate these waters.

Reference: Glenn, H. (2013, January 13). Losing our religion: The growth of the ’nones.’ National Public Radio. Accessed from http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/01/14/169164840/losing-our-religion-the-growth-of-the-nones

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*Autumn is a great month to......get out the crock pot and make soup! Invite neighbors or friends to share.

Here is an easy recipe for Crock Pot Loaded Potato Soup

• 30 oz. bag of frozen hash browns • 1 regular can of cream of chicken soup• 48 oz carton of chicken broth• 1 diced onion • 2 tsp black pepper• 1 block of regular cream cheese (do not use fat free, it won’t melt.)Toss everything in your crockpot EXCEPT the cream cheese. Cook on low for 6-8 hours. One hour before you’re ready to eat, toss in the cream cheese. Let it melt and stir it in.

Serve with bacon, chives, cheese…whatever you like. Serve with a salad on the side. This soup would be delicious in a sourdough bread bowl.

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