Non-violent Communication Toolbox of Agile Practicioners How to turn personal conflicts into trust and deeper compassion Ari-Pekka Lappi (@ilmirajat) CC-BY Andrew Magill
Non-violent Communication Toolbox of Agile Practicioners
How to turn personal conflicts into trust and deeper compassion
Ari-Pekka Lappi (@ilmirajat)
CC-BY Andrew Magill
Goal After this presentation everyone has at least 3 useful NVC tools they can use in their everyday work.
NVC is a great framework, but also difficult apply in practice. My goal is to make it a natural part of your agile toolbox.
•About me•A real life story• 7 NVC tools for agile
practitioners•Discussion (limited time)•After session: ~3 weird
advanced tools (ask!)
Outline
Who am I?• Hybrid philosopher-engineer
• Developer, ScrumMaster, architect• M.A. majoring theoretical philosophy
from Helsinki University• Entrepreneur
• Big fan of functional programming (F# and Clojure) - and philosophy of Nietzsche• There is surprisingly much
similarities between NVC and Nietzsche’s philosophy
Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Atanas Botev.Oil on canvas/collage 2004
Story
Once opon time there was a developer, who had gotten an opportunity to develop awesome software with the coolest available technologies at that time.
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock
The first demo
Finally all the main pieces were there: Database, business logic, services and service calls, UI... There was still a lot of work to do, but nonetheless our developer hero was satisfied and proud.
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock
UX specialist was disappointed and angry
”This doesn’t look at all what it should, and its not functioning as I have planned. There’s missing a lot of thing from UI. And this is ugly. I’m very disappointed!”
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock
BANGMy great plan is ruined. They don’t respect me and my work. This is simply ugly!
The other person does not understand but thinks only her own narrow domain of speciality.
She is undue and expects too much from me!
What was the moment things turned awry?
Afterthoughts
This was a proof of concept for the overall architecture. It makes a lot of sense to validate that before finalized UI.
In web site development it was common at that time to start from visual appearance and implement backend stuff last.
CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock
A solution? Let’s educate each other and add
information
Hasty, volatile interpretation
”I was right! HAH!””I was wrong, sorry!”
Being right become more
important that the other
as a person
The conflict was mostly about…• Valuation and respect• Ownership and authority• Value of own work• Reputation and gratitude
It was more only little about information per se.
CC-BY 2.0 Steve Evans; CC-BY-NC 2.0 Michael Kappel
Frustration #0: This is insane!
I want to do cool stuff with competent and motivated people!Why collaboration is so damn hard every now and then?
Solution? • Non-violent communication (NVC) is
psychological framework developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. • It aims to:• Improve our ability to listen and
understand the other• Clearer and more accurate expression
of (own and other’s) needs and values
It was surprisingly hardto make NVC work for me!
CC-BY 2.0 Alex Proimos
Tool #7: OFNR-loop
O
F
N
F
Observation without evaluation
Clearly expressed feelings
Needs and values
Actionable request
CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal
Tool #7: OFNR-loop – The basics
3. Need 1. Observation
2. Feelings
4. Requests
1. Need 1. Observation
1. Feeling
2. Demand, violence…
No clear distinction Collision,Danger of radiation sickness
Strongly influence by:- Fear- Unsafety (protection)- Distrust- Constraints- Injustice & unfairness
Clear distinction Connections,Self-awareness
Strongly influenced by:- Needs & values- Trust- Opportunities- All emotions
Lets add then another person to the picture…
1. Observation 3. Need
2. Feelings
4. Requests
1. Need 1. Observation
1. Feeling
2. Demand, violence…
…and the actual communication loop
O O
RNN
F
R
F
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
Tool #7: OFNR-loop as a whole
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Me You
There must be a shortcut!
It cannot be this complex!
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
Tool #7: OFNR-loop as a whole
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Me You
16 boxes (each enclosing a complex algoritm)2 potentian nuclear blasts
A lot of asyncronous processing.3 vague background workflows
Insanely thight schedule & presure
Frustration #1: Usability
As such NVC might be a bit too complex to everyday life. CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Me You
(Conflict stress hormones negative impact verbal skills)
+ Framework that requires linguistic sensitivity
Bandwidth limits
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Me You
(Conflict stress hormones usually negative impact to memory)
+ A lot to remember in overall+ A framework to remember
Memory overflow
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Me You
(Conflict stress negative impact to analytical thinking)
+ complex psychological framework + some problem solving
110% Processor utilization
Frustration #2: Scale
Small conflicts are potentially as devastating as big ones but in the long run. Because they are small, they are often ignored and let unresolved.
”By the book NVC” is often overkill.
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
Tool #7: OFNR-loop
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Me You
Good start but I need something more
Tool #5: NVC templatesWhen/as <observation without evaluation> I feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <expression of need or value>.
Do you feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <observation without evaluation> and because <expression of need or value>?
OR
I-template
You-template
Tool #5a: I-TemplateWhen/as <observation without evaluation> I feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <expression of need or value>.
“As you say “its’ not going to work” I feel annoyed and sad because this idea really inspires me and in my opinion we have not yet tried all options. I would like to use some time in exploring other way to implement this.”
Tool #5a: You-templateDo you feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <observation without evaluation> and because <expression of need or value>?
”Do you feel angry and frustrated because the demo didn’t look like what you expected to see at this phase of project and because it’s important to you that you can be proud of the solution we deliver to the customer?”
Frustration #1½: Usability
NVC has great potential, but NVC may make you talk like a book.
CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal
Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata – An observationHow systematically you have practiced non-violence?
How systematically you’ve been trained for violence (incl. critical attitudes, blame, judgement, resentment, martyrdom…)?
It takes thousands of repetitions to learn technically correct right jab.
Why would non-violence be any easier?
Prepare! Pratice!
Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata4. Possible requests (person A) 4. Possible requests (person B)
1. Observations2. Feelings (A) 2. Feelings (B) 3. Needs (B)3. Needs (A)
Clues (A & B)
Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata - in action
4. Possible requests (Developer) 4. Possible requests (UX Specialist)
1. Observations2. Feelings (A) 2. Feelings (B) 3. Needs (B)3. Needs (A)
Clues (A & B)
UX specialist said this is uglyand asked are you going to follow my plan
Developer wanted to demoa “successful” PoC of new technology
AngryDissatisfiedConfused?
ConfusedProud (in the beginning)Frustrated
Appreciation &respect
Appreciation &respectValuation of own workRelatednessReputation
Would you like to help me to tweak details in UI whenWe have a bit more finalized version of it?
I feel confused because this demo was not what I expected.I want you to clarify what is happening and are you going to follow my plan?
Business unit director and many other persons with high status attended the demo
Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata – Getting started
Kata A:Employees don’t trust managers.Management don’t trust employees.
Kata B: A manager tries to do his/her best to improved things. Employees still keep on complaining.
Kata C: I person in team don’t like agile patterns and practices and refuse to participate.
Conflicts are not the point in NVC. The goal is to get beyond conflicts,
toward win-win-mindset
Frustration #3: Focus
CC-BY 2.0 Ada Be
You don’t want to resolve conflicts!You want a better community!
You want to achieve your goals!
Frustration #3: Focus
CC-BY 2.0 Ada Be
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
Dev UX
”But this is the first demo and…”
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
Dev UX
”But this is the first demo and…”
”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”
KEEP IT SIMPLE* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
N N
Dev UX
”But this is the first demo and…”
”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”
START HERE* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
Dev UX
”But this is the first demo and…”
”Yes. In this first demo we haven’t paid much attention to UI yet. May I ask your comments when we have a bit more finalized UI? And are you interested in hearing why?”
Why she feels angry?What is important for her?
* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”
O
OR
N
N
F R
F
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*
N O
F
D
O N
F
R
N O
F
D
N O
F
R
N N
Dev UX
” Yes. In this first demo we haven’t paid much attention to UI yet. May I ask your comments when we have a bit more finalized UI? And are you interested in hearing why?”
”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”
LEVEL UP!* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall
Using ”Attend to folks’ needs”in non-conflict situation
• Problem: • Sharing information is very important, but not the most important• Time is the most scarce resource• How to use time in meetings in optimal way?
• Solution:
An agenda item by X
How to fulfil X’s needs? Why discussion is important…?
DiscussionDid everyone got what they
needed?
Tool #2: Who-what distinction
”Mice are ugly!” ”An elephant thinks that mice are ugly”
In all interpretations there is an observed thing and an observer!
Vs.
Tool #2: Who-what distinction
”Dear Elephant!
Your claim that mice are ugly is completely absurd! What is wrong with you?Mice are tasty and good for playing!
Best regards,Cat”
By being able to see clearly who observes helps you to see beyond criticism!
Tool #2: Who-what distinction
”UI is simply ugly!” ”An UX specialist thinks that UI is ugly.”
Vs.Reality
Tool #2 Who-what distinctionBad feedback is injustified criticism
I’m good in this
Feedback
I suck
Feedbacksucks
I’m good in this
Feedback
I learn!An alien mindset
Bad feedback is a learning puzzle
Tool #4: Yoda Principle
Do a change in the system or do not. There is no try!
CC-BY 2.0 angelo - Yoda Franklin Institute Museum, Phialdelphia
’Try’ smells…• Obsession• Fear• Dishonesty• Denial of
ignorance• Dismissal of
discussion
© A. Lipson 2003 http://www.andrewlipson.com/escher/relativity.html
Proposal
Won’t Try Will
Didn’t
It’s complicated
Did
Request
Won’t Will
Didn’t Did
ProposalActionable,clear &real options
Complex, slow and nasty Simple, painfully honest and straightforward
Actionable, clear & real optionsNo real options! “I want you to stop drinking”
Real options “I want you to tell me what needs of you are met by drinking and discuss other ways to meet those needs.”
Actionable, clear & real optionsNo real options! “I want you feel free to express yourself around me.”
Real options “I like you to tell me what I might do to make it easier for you to feel free to express yourself.”
CC-BY 2.0 Jessica Flavin
Actionable, clear & real optionsNo real options! “Lets try this-and-that, because we have to do something…”
Real options ”I don’t know what to do. The only option I see is this-and-that. Doing nothing is not a real option. Shall we experiment this or do you have other options?
CC-BY-SA 3.0 Sven Dirks
Request
Won’t Will
Didn’t Did
Proposal • Only real options• ”Try” smells a failure• ”Try” may postpone a
resolution to problemsDo a change in the system Or do not There is no try
Tool #4: Yoda Principle
Tool #6: Language smells• Identify violent “Jackal’s language”• Absolutes: Always, never, all the time,
necessity, no options• Judgemental language: right, wrong,
evil…• Vague expression (e.g. “I feel like a
failure…”)• Feelings white list
• Etc.
• Worked only partially for me
Read the book
Lucas van Valckenborch (1535 or later–1597)
NVC Toolbox for Agile PractitionersTool #1: Attend to folks’ need! (i.e. Antimatter principle)Tool #2: Who-what distinctionTool #3: NVC canvas as a kataTool #4: Yoda principleTool #5: NVC templates (I-version and You-version)
May work for you (did not work for me):Tool #6: Language smellsTool #7: OFNR-loops
Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!
It’s not hard. (1) Stop. (2) Identify the needs. (3) Address
them.CC 2.0 BY-SA Adriagarcia - Superman @ Saló del Cómic
Tool #2: Who-what distinction
Observation = Observer + Observed
Tool #3: NVC canvas as a Kata
Prepare! Practice!
Tool #4: Yoda Principle
Embrace ”YES” and embrace ”NO”It’s “TRY” that hurts you most!
CC-BY 2.0 angelo
Tool #5: NVC templates (I- and You-template)
My feelings and needs. Your feelings and needs?
CC 2.0 BY José Luis Mieza - Lovers of Teruel
Tool #6: Language smells
Words without empathy are empty, empathy without
concepts is blind.Lucas van Valckenborch (1535 or later–1597)
Tool #7: OFNR-loop
“Ill seen, ill said” –BeckettCC-BY 2.0 aussiegall
Build-Measure-Learn
Was there at least 3 NVC tools you find useful in your work and for your organization?
NVC Toolbox for Agile PractitionersTool #1: Attend to folks’ need! (i.e. Antimatter principle)Tool #2: Who-what distinctionTool #3: NVC canvas as a kataTool #4: Yoda principleTool #5: NVC templates (I-version and You-version)Tool #6: Language smellsTool #7: OFNR-loops
Thank You! DiscussionTwitter: @ilmirajat Version 1.0 of NVC Canvas: http://outofscopeexception.wordpress.com/2014/05/17/canvas-for-nonviolent-communication/