Agile toolbox for nonviolent communication

Non-violent Communication Toolbox of Agile Practicioners

How to turn personal conflicts into trust and deeper compassion

Ari-Pekka Lappi (@ilmirajat)

CC-BY Andrew Magill

Goal After this presentation everyone has at least 3 useful NVC tools they can use in their everyday work.

NVC is a great framework, but also difficult apply in practice. My goal is to make it a natural part of your agile toolbox.

•About me•A real life story• 7 NVC tools for agile

practitioners•Discussion (limited time)•After session: ~3 weird

advanced tools (ask!)

Outline

Who am I?• Hybrid philosopher-engineer

• Developer, ScrumMaster, architect• M.A. majoring theoretical philosophy

from Helsinki University• Entrepreneur

• Big fan of functional programming (F# and Clojure) - and philosophy of Nietzsche• There is surprisingly much

similarities between NVC and Nietzsche’s philosophy

Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Atanas Botev.Oil on canvas/collage 2004

Story

Once opon time there was a developer, who had gotten an opportunity to develop awesome software with the coolest available technologies at that time.

CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

The first demo

Finally all the main pieces were there: Database, business logic, services and service calls, UI... There was still a lot of work to do, but nonetheless our developer hero was satisfied and proud.

CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

UX specialist was disappointed and angry

”This doesn’t look at all what it should, and its not functioning as I have planned. There’s missing a lot of thing from UI. And this is ugly. I’m very disappointed!”

CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

BANGMy great plan is ruined. They don’t respect me and my work. This is simply ugly!

The other person does not understand but thinks only her own narrow domain of speciality.

She is undue and expects too much from me!

What was the moment things turned awry?

Afterthoughts

This was a proof of concept for the overall architecture. It makes a lot of sense to validate that before finalized UI.

In web site development it was common at that time to start from visual appearance and implement backend stuff last.

CC-BY 2.0 JD Hancock

A solution? Let’s educate each other and add

information

Hasty, volatile interpretation

”I was right! HAH!””I was wrong, sorry!”

Being right become more

important that the other

as a person

The conflict was mostly about…• Valuation and respect• Ownership and authority• Value of own work• Reputation and gratitude

It was more only little about information per se.

CC-BY 2.0 Steve Evans; CC-BY-NC 2.0 Michael Kappel

Frustration #0: This is insane!

I want to do cool stuff with competent and motivated people!Why collaboration is so damn hard every now and then?

Solution? • Non-violent communication (NVC) is

psychological framework developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. • It aims to:• Improve our ability to listen and

understand the other• Clearer and more accurate expression

of (own and other’s) needs and values

It was surprisingly hardto make NVC work for me!

CC-BY 2.0 Alex Proimos

Tool #7: OFNR-loop

O

F

N

F

Observation without evaluation

Clearly expressed feelings

Needs and values

Actionable request

CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal

Tool #7: OFNR-loop – The basics

3. Need 1. Observation

2. Feelings

4. Requests

1. Need 1. Observation

1. Feeling

2. Demand, violence…

No clear distinction Collision,Danger of radiation sickness

Strongly influence by:- Fear- Unsafety (protection)- Distrust- Constraints- Injustice & unfairness

Clear distinction Connections,Self-awareness

Strongly influenced by:- Needs & values- Trust- Opportunities- All emotions

Lets add then another person to the picture…

1. Observation 3. Need

2. Feelings

4. Requests

1. Need 1. Observation

1. Feeling

2. Demand, violence…

…and the actual communication loop

O O

RNN

F

R

F

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

Tool #7: OFNR-loop as a whole

N O

F

D

O N

F

R

N O

F

D

N O

F

R

Me You

There must be a shortcut!

It cannot be this complex!

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

Tool #7: OFNR-loop as a whole

N O

F

D

O N

F

R

N O

F

D

N O

F

R

Me You

16 boxes (each enclosing a complex algoritm)2 potentian nuclear blasts

A lot of asyncronous processing.3 vague background workflows

Insanely thight schedule & presure

Frustration #1: Usability

As such NVC might be a bit too complex to everyday life. CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

N O

F

D

O N

F

R

N O

F

D

N O

F

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Me You

(Conflict stress hormones negative impact verbal skills)

+ Framework that requires linguistic sensitivity

Bandwidth limits

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

N O

F

D

O N

F

R

N O

F

D

N O

F

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Me You

(Conflict stress hormones usually negative impact to memory)

+ A lot to remember in overall+ A framework to remember

Memory overflow

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

N O

F

D

O N

F

R

N O

F

D

N O

F

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Me You

(Conflict stress negative impact to analytical thinking)

+ complex psychological framework + some problem solving

110% Processor utilization

Frustration #2: Scale

Small conflicts are potentially as devastating as big ones but in the long run. Because they are small, they are often ignored and let unresolved.

”By the book NVC” is often overkill.

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

Tool #7: OFNR-loop

N O

F

D

O N

F

R

N O

F

D

N O

F

R

Me You

Good start but I need something more

Tool #5: NVC templatesWhen/as <observation without evaluation> I feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <expression of need or value>.

Do you feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <observation without evaluation> and because <expression of need or value>?

OR

I-template

You-template

Tool #5a: I-TemplateWhen/as <observation without evaluation> I feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <expression of need or value>.

“As you say “its’ not going to work” I feel annoyed and sad because this idea really inspires me and in my opinion we have not yet tried all options. I would like to use some time in exploring other way to implement this.”

Tool #5a: You-templateDo you feel <clearly expressed feeling> because <observation without evaluation> and because <expression of need or value>?

”Do you feel angry and frustrated because the demo didn’t look like what you expected to see at this phase of project and because it’s important to you that you can be proud of the solution we deliver to the customer?”

Frustration #1½: Usability

NVC has great potential, but NVC may make you talk like a book.

CC-BY 2.0 Lee Nachtigal

Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata – An observationHow systematically you have practiced non-violence?

How systematically you’ve been trained for violence (incl. critical attitudes, blame, judgement, resentment, martyrdom…)?

It takes thousands of repetitions to learn technically correct right jab.

Why would non-violence be any easier?

Prepare! Pratice!

Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata4. Possible requests (person A) 4. Possible requests (person B)

1. Observations2. Feelings (A) 2. Feelings (B) 3. Needs (B)3. Needs (A)

Clues (A & B)

Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata - in action

4. Possible requests (Developer) 4. Possible requests (UX Specialist)

1. Observations2. Feelings (A) 2. Feelings (B) 3. Needs (B)3. Needs (A)

Clues (A & B)

UX specialist said this is uglyand asked are you going to follow my plan

Developer wanted to demoa “successful” PoC of new technology

AngryDissatisfiedConfused?

ConfusedProud (in the beginning)Frustrated

Appreciation &respect

Appreciation &respectValuation of own workRelatednessReputation

Would you like to help me to tweak details in UI whenWe have a bit more finalized version of it?

I feel confused because this demo was not what I expected.I want you to clarify what is happening and are you going to follow my plan?

Business unit director and many other persons with high status attended the demo

Tool #3: NVC Canvas as a Kata – Getting started

Kata A:Employees don’t trust managers.Management don’t trust employees.

Kata B: A manager tries to do his/her best to improved things. Employees still keep on complaining.

Kata C: I person in team don’t like agile patterns and practices and refuse to participate.

Conflicts are not the point in NVC. The goal is to get beyond conflicts,

toward win-win-mindset

Frustration #3: Focus

CC-BY 2.0 Ada Be

You don’t want to resolve conflicts!You want a better community!

You want to achieve your goals!

Frustration #3: Focus

CC-BY 2.0 Ada Be

Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*

Dev UX

”But this is the first demo and…”

* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*

N O

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D

O N

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R

N O

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D

N O

F

R

Dev UX

”But this is the first demo and…”

”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”

KEEP IT SIMPLE* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

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OR

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Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*

N O

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O N

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N O

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N O

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N N

Dev UX

”But this is the first demo and…”

”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”

START HERE* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*

Dev UX

”But this is the first demo and…”

”Yes. In this first demo we haven’t paid much attention to UI yet. May I ask your comments when we have a bit more finalized UI? And are you interested in hearing why?”

Why she feels angry?What is important for her?

* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”

O

OR

N

N

F R

F

Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!*

N O

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O N

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N O

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N O

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N N

Dev UX

” Yes. In this first demo we haven’t paid much attention to UI yet. May I ask your comments when we have a bit more finalized UI? And are you interested in hearing why?”

”This does not look what is should look like! This is ugly!”

LEVEL UP!* Antimatter principle by Bob Marshall

Using ”Attend to folks’ needs”in non-conflict situation

• Problem: • Sharing information is very important, but not the most important• Time is the most scarce resource• How to use time in meetings in optimal way?

• Solution:

An agenda item by X

How to fulfil X’s needs? Why discussion is important…?

DiscussionDid everyone got what they

needed?

Tool #2: Who-what distinction

”Mice are ugly!” ”An elephant thinks that mice are ugly”

In all interpretations there is an observed thing and an observer!

Vs.

Tool #2: Who-what distinction

”Dear Elephant!

Your claim that mice are ugly is completely absurd! What is wrong with you?Mice are tasty and good for playing!

Best regards,Cat”

By being able to see clearly who observes helps you to see beyond criticism!

Tool #2: Who-what distinction

”UI is simply ugly!” ”An UX specialist thinks that UI is ugly.”

Vs.Reality

Tool #2 Who-what distinctionBad feedback is injustified criticism

I’m good in this

Feedback

I suck

Feedbacksucks

I’m good in this

Feedback

I learn!An alien mindset

Bad feedback is a learning puzzle

Tool #4: Yoda Principle

Do a change in the system or do not. There is no try!

CC-BY 2.0 angelo - Yoda Franklin Institute Museum, Phialdelphia

’Try’ smells…• Obsession• Fear• Dishonesty• Denial of

ignorance• Dismissal of

discussion

© A. Lipson 2003 http://www.andrewlipson.com/escher/relativity.html

Proposal

Won’t Try Will

Didn’t

It’s complicated

Did

Request

Won’t Will

Didn’t Did

ProposalActionable,clear &real options

Complex, slow and nasty Simple, painfully honest and straightforward

Actionable, clear & real optionsNo real options! “I want you to stop drinking”

Real options “I want you to tell me what needs of you are met by drinking and discuss other ways to meet those needs.”

Actionable, clear & real optionsNo real options! “I want you feel free to express yourself around me.”

Real options “I like you to tell me what I might do to make it easier for you to feel free to express yourself.”

CC-BY 2.0 Jessica Flavin

Actionable, clear & real optionsNo real options! “Lets try this-and-that, because we have to do something…”

Real options ”I don’t know what to do. The only option I see is this-and-that. Doing nothing is not a real option. Shall we experiment this or do you have other options?

CC-BY-SA 3.0 Sven Dirks

Request

Won’t Will

Didn’t Did

Proposal • Only real options• ”Try” smells a failure• ”Try” may postpone a

resolution to problemsDo a change in the system Or do not There is no try

Tool #4: Yoda Principle

Tool #6: Language smells• Identify violent “Jackal’s language”• Absolutes: Always, never, all the time,

necessity, no options• Judgemental language: right, wrong,

evil…• Vague expression (e.g. “I feel like a

failure…”)• Feelings white list

• Etc.

• Worked only partially for me

Read the book

Lucas van Valckenborch (1535 or later–1597)

NVC Toolbox for Agile PractitionersTool #1: Attend to folks’ need! (i.e. Antimatter principle)Tool #2: Who-what distinctionTool #3: NVC canvas as a kataTool #4: Yoda principleTool #5: NVC templates (I-version and You-version)

May work for you (did not work for me):Tool #6: Language smellsTool #7: OFNR-loops

Tool #1: Attend to folks’ needs!

It’s not hard. (1) Stop. (2) Identify the needs. (3) Address

them.CC 2.0 BY-SA Adriagarcia - Superman @ Saló del Cómic

Tool #2: Who-what distinction

Observation = Observer + Observed

Tool #3: NVC canvas as a Kata

Prepare! Practice!

Tool #4: Yoda Principle

Embrace ”YES” and embrace ”NO”It’s “TRY” that hurts you most!

CC-BY 2.0 angelo

Tool #5: NVC templates (I- and You-template)

My feelings and needs. Your feelings and needs?

CC 2.0 BY José Luis Mieza - Lovers of Teruel

Tool #6: Language smells

Words without empathy are empty, empathy without

concepts is blind.Lucas van Valckenborch (1535 or later–1597)

Tool #7: OFNR-loop

“Ill seen, ill said” –BeckettCC-BY 2.0 aussiegall

Build-Measure-Learn

Was there at least 3 NVC tools you find useful in your work and for your organization?

NVC Toolbox for Agile PractitionersTool #1: Attend to folks’ need! (i.e. Antimatter principle)Tool #2: Who-what distinctionTool #3: NVC canvas as a kataTool #4: Yoda principleTool #5: NVC templates (I-version and You-version)Tool #6: Language smellsTool #7: OFNR-loops

Thank You! DiscussionTwitter: @ilmirajat Version 1.0 of NVC Canvas: http://outofscopeexception.wordpress.com/2014/05/17/canvas-for-nonviolent-communication/