20140703 Edanz Kyushu Session 5

Jeffrey Robens, PhD Senior Research Consultant

Education Group Leader

Kyushu University Department of Agriculture

Session 5 – Effective writing

Kyushu University

3 July 2014

Seminar series

June 5 Effective presentations

June 12 Reviewing the literature

June 19 Academic publishing

June 26 Research and publication ethics

July 3 Effective writing

July 10 Manuscript structure

July 17 Communicating with journals

July 24 Peer review and revisions

Increasing readability

Section 1


Japanese vs. English scientific writing style

Japanese English

Followed by conclusion

Cause/reason comes first

Passive voice

Followed by explanation

Conclusion comes first

Active voice

Increasing readability High readability

Your reader should…

Understand your logic immediately

Not have to read slowly

Only have to read once

Increasing readability Reader expectations

Information is easier to understand when it is placed where readers expect to find it

Good writers are aware of these expectations

Increasing readability Subject-verb placement

Readers expect verbs to closely follow the subject

Subject Verb


Readers expect verbs to closely follow the subject

Subject Verb


The viral infection that the patient caught on her recent trip to the outbreak-prone areas in Africa spread quickly.

The patient caught a viral infection on her recent trip to the outbreak-prone areas in Africa, and this infection spread quickly.

Increasing readability Short sentences

Reading once… 4% of readers can understand a 27-word sentence

75% of readers can understand a 17-word sentence

Pinner and Pinner (1998) Communication Skills

Goals to aim for: One idea per sentence

15–20 words


30 words

The largest company, a Japanese corporation founded in 1916 outside of Osaka by Ichiro Tanaka, was considered to be a model in the development of modern employee conditions by economists.

Short sentences

Increasing readability Short sentences

Economists considered the largest company to be a model in the development of modern employee conditions. This company was a Japanese corporation founded in 1916 outside of Osaka by Ichiro Tanaka.

16 words

15 words

One idea per sentence

Increasing readability Active voice

Sentences written in the active voice are:

simple direct clear easy to read

The mechanisms regulating tumor growth were investigated.

Passive

We investigated the mechanisms regulating tumor growth.

Active


Ferreira F. Cognitive Psychology 2003; 47: 164–203.

• 48 native English-speaking university students • 36 active voice sentences • 36 passive voice sentences

Accurate statements

• The dog bit the man.

• The man was bitten by the dog.

Inaccurate statements

• The man bit the dog.

• The dog was bitten by the man.


707580859095

100

Active Passive

Accuracy (%)

1500160017001800190020002100

Active Passive

Decision time (ms)

Ferreira F. Cognitive Psychology 2003; 47: 164–203.

• 36 active voice sentences (‘the dog bit the man’) • 36 passive voice sentences (‘the man was bitten by the dog’)

Increasing readability Active voice is preferred

“Use the active voice when it is less wordy and more direct than the passive”. (3rd ed., pg. 42)

“Use the active voice rather than the passive voice…”. www.apastyle.org/learn/faqs/effective-verb-use.aspx

“As a matter of style, passive voice is typically, but not always, inferior to active voice”. (15th ed., pg. 177)

“In general, authors should use the active voice…”. (10th ed., pg. 320)

ACS Style Guide

APA Style

Chicago Style Guide

AMA Manual of Style

“Nature journals prefer…the active voice…” (http://www.nature.com/authors/author_resources/how_write.html)

Nature

Increasing readability Stress position

Readers focus at the end of the sentence to determine what is important.

1. You deserve a raise, but the budget is tight.

Which sentence suggests that you

will get a raise?

2. The budget is tight, but you deserve a raise.

http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/flow/


The budget is tight, but you deserve a raise. Your salary

will increase at the beginning of next year.

The stress position also introduces the topic of the next sentence


Stress position


The budget is tight, but you deserve a raise. Your salary

will increase at the beginning of next year.


Stress position Topic position

The topic position introduces the idea of the current sentence

The stress position also introduces the topic of the next sentence

Stress position

Increasing readability Topic position

The patient went to the hospital to see a gastroenterologist. The doctor then performed a series of diagnostic tests. The results showed the patient suffered from a bacterial infection. Antibiotics were prescribed to treat the infection before the patient developed an ulcer.

idea idea idea idea

Topic link

sentence


Busch et al. BMC Cancer. 2012; 13: 211.

Linking your ideas in your manuscript

Lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer mortality for men and women. Despite smoking prevention and cessation programs and advances in early detection, the 5-year survival rate for lung cancer is only 16% with current therapies. Although lung cancer incidence rates have recently declined in the United States, more lung cancer is now diagnosed when considered together in former- and never-smokers than in current smokers. Thus, even if all of the national anti-smoking campaign goals are met, lung cancer will remain a major public health problem for decades. New ways to treat or prevent lung cancer are therefore needed. One potential therapeutic target for lung cancer is the Wnt signaling pathway. The canonical Wnt signaling pathway in mammals consists of a family of secreted lipid-modified Wnt protein ligands that bind to a family of 7-pass transmembrane Frizzled (Fzd) receptors, as reviewed…

Topic sentence

Stress sentence

Topic sentence

Simple language

Section 2

Simple writing

Nature’s guide to authors:

Nature is an international journal covering all the sciences. Contributions should therefore be written clearly and simply so that they are accessible to readers in other disciplines and to readers for whom English is not their first language.

www.nature.com/nature/authors/gta/index.html#a4

“I should use complex words to make my writing more impressive.”

Simple writing

To ascertain the efficaciousness of the program, we interrogated the participants upon completion.

To determine the success of the program, we questioned the participants upon completion.

Simple language

Simple writing Complex words to avoid

Preferred Enough Clear Try Very Size Asked Keep Later Enough End Use

Avoid Adequate Apparent Endeavor Exceedingly Magnitude Requested Retain Subsequently Sufficient Terminate Utilization

Simple writing

Avoid At a concentration of 2 g/L At a temperature of 37C At a wavelength of 340 nm In order to In the first place Four in number Green color Subsequent to Prior to

Preferred At 2 g/L At 37C At 340 nm To First Four Green After Before

Unnecessary words

Simple writing

In the first place, in order to determine the critical point of the material, we incubated it at a

temperature of 95°C until it became black in color.

First, to determine the critical point of the material, we incubated it at 95°C until it became black.

28 words

18 words

Unnecessary words

Common mistakes

Section 3

Common mistakes Correct verb tense

Present: stating widely accepted fact “Smoking causes cancer.”

Present perfect: referring to results from

previous studies that are still relevant “Smoking has been shown to cause cancer.3”

Introduction


Past: describing what you did “We recruited 45 subjects for our study.”

Methods


Past: stating what you found “We observed that the weight of…”

Present: referring to the figures

“Figure 3 shows the increase in weight…”

Results and Figure Legends


Present: stating widely accepted fact

Present perfect: referring to results from

previous studies that are still relevant

Past: stating what you found “We found that smoking increased the…”

Present: referring to the implications of your

findings for the current state of the field “These results suggest that smoking increases…”

Discussion

Common mistakes Proper punctuation

Colons and semi-colons

Use colons to introduce a list Use semi-colons to differentiate phrases

that contain commas

“We analyzed four journals: the Journal of Neurology, published by Springer, Practical Neurology, published by BMJ, and Annals of Neurology, published by Wiley.” “…increased toxicity; however, this was not found…”




that contain commas

“We analyzed three journals: the Journal of Neurology, published by Springer, Practical Neurology, published by BMJ, and Annals of Neurology, published by Wiley.” “…increased toxicity; however, this was not found…”

1

2 3 4

5 6

Three or six?




that contain commas

“We analyzed four journals: the Journal of Neurology, published by Springer; Practical Neurology, published by BMJ; and Annals of Neurology, published by Wiley.” “…increased toxicity; however, this was not found…”

“…increased toxicity. However, this was not found…”


Hyphens and en dashes

Use hyphens to combine two words “wild-type”, “heat-induced increase”, “2-μm pore”

Use en dashes for ranges or combining two people’s names “aged 30−38 years”, “Mann−Whitney U test”

Do not use en dashes with ‘from’ or ‘between’ “from 30 to 38 years”, “between 30 and 38 years”

Common mistakes

Compared with is for comparing similar things

Compared to is for comparing different things

The tumor excised from the lung was compared to that from the liver.

The tumor excised from the lung was compared with that from the liver.

Comparisons

Common mistakes ‘Between’ or ‘among’?

Use between for comparisons of two groups

Use among for more than two groups

… the only difference between the original molecule and the new molecule is ...

… significant differences were observed in the values among the five molecules.

Common mistakes Respectively

Used to refer to two or more corresponding lists

The two values were 143 and 21, respectively.

The two values were 143 and 21.

The values for group A and B were 143 and 21, respectively.

Common mistakes

Oxygen detector flow Nitrogen detector flow Hydrogen detector flow

85 mL/min 7 mL/min 4 mL/min

Respectively – example

Oxygen, nitrogen and hydrogen detector flows were set at 85, 7 and 4 mL/min, respectively. 15 words

The oxygen detector flow was set at 85 mL/min, the nitrogen detector flow was set at 7 mL/min, and the hydrogen detector flow was set at 4 mL/min. 28 words

Common mistakes Data is plural

Data is the plural form of datum

The data was analyzed... This data suggests…

The data were analyzed… These data suggest…

Common mistakes UK vs. US English

• For many journals, either UK or US English is acceptable • Have to be consistent throughout

• Carefully read author guidelines for details • Hint: search for ‘English’ or ‘spelling’

http://www.bmj.com/about-bmj/resources-authors/house-style

http://www.rsc.org/images/Author_guidelines_tcm18-186308.pdf

Common mistakes UK vs. US English

Use the setting in Microsoft Word to ensure you are using the correct format

Click here to change the language settings quickly

Common mistakes UK vs. US English… and Oxford English

http://www.nature.com/nature/authors/gta/#a4

UK English Oxford English US English

Analyse Analyse Analyze

Behaviour Behaviour Behavior

Centre Centre Center

Modelling Modelling Modeling

Haematology Haematology Hematology

Realise Realize Realize

Activities

Readability

Which of the following sentences has the best readability? What is wrong with the other sentences?

1. To investigate the frequency of Parkinson’s disease, a neurological disorder that results from the death of dopaminergic neurons in the brain and affects motor coordination, in the community, we recruited 412 people in the study.

1. In order to investigate the frequency in occurrence of Parkinson’s

disease in the community, 412 people in the community were recruited in the study.

1. We recruited 412 people in the community to investigate the

frequency of Parkinson’s disease.

Readability







Readability







Too long! (35 words)

Readability







Unnecessary words and passive voice

Active voice

Are the following sentences in active or passive voice?

1. The effects of UV treatment on the physical properties of graphene were investigated under high pressure.

2. Surgery was performed to remove the tumor from the liver.

3. Manufacturing increased after the introduction of the new assembly line.

4. Manufacturing was increased by the introduction of the new assembly line.

Active voice

Are the following sentences in active or passive voice?

1. The effects of UV treatment on the physical properties of graphene were investigated under high pressure.

2. Surgery was performed to remove the tumor from the liver.

3. Manufacturing increased after the introduction of the new assembly line.

4. Manufacturing was increased by the introduction of the new assembly line.

Passive

Passive

Active

Passive

We investigated the effects of UV treatment on the physical properties of graphene under high pressure.

We performed surgery to remove the tumor from the liver.

The introduction of the new assembly line increased manufacturing.

Common mistakes

Place the correct word from the list into the space.

1. When compared ___________ that of last year’s model, the screen resolution of the new monitor is considerably better.

2. After the experiment, that data __________ analyzed to determine reaction efficiency.

3. The highest and second highest peaks corresponded to calcium and sodium, _______________.

with

were

respectively

Common mistakes

Place the correct word from the list into the space.

4. Hanako had the highest score __________ the students in the class.

5. The patients were 47 __________ 53 years old.

among

− (en dash)

Simple language

Replace the complicated words in the following sentences with simpler words.

1. The rats were fed a high protein diet and subsequently tested in the water maze.

2. We endeavored to validate our hypothesis with a smaller sample size.

3. After analyzing the results, it was apparent that the drug was exceedingly effective.

Simple language


1. The rats were fed a high protein diet and later tested in the water maze.

2. We tried to validate our hypothesis with a smaller sample size.

3. After analyzing the results, it was clear that the drug was very effective.

Simple language


4. The experiments were terminated once a sufficient amount of data was collected.

5. Our results show that the utilization of this new method is more efficient than currently utilized methods.

Simple language


4. The experiments were ended once enough data were collected.

5. Our results show that the use of this new method is more efficient than currently used methods.

Simple language


4. The experiments were ended once enough data was collected.

5. Our results show that using this new method is more efficient than currently used methods.

a majority of rapidly a number of many, several, some at a rapid rate because of as a consequence of based on on the basis of most

a majority of rapidly

a number of many, several, some

at a rapid rate because of

as a consequence of based on

on the basis of most

Unnecessary words

a majority of rapidly a number of many, several, some at a rapid rate because of as a consequence of based on on the basis of most

at this point in time although

based on the fact that to

completely filled currently

despite the fact that filled

in order to because

Unnecessary words

Thank you!

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Jeffrey Robens: [email protected]

20140703 Edanz Kyushu Session 5

Education

readability high readability

readability japanese

readability topic position

readability busch

readability section

active passive accuracy

sentence stress position

sentence http