Chapter 9 Understanding Interpersonal Relationships

Mind your body language*adapted from: http://www.slideshare.net/jaimelavie/successful-flirting-seducing-and-dating

In the initial stages, how you say things is more important than what you say.

Pay attention to: Appearance, tone of voice, energy, joyful behaviour …

Proximity as body languageProximity as body languageSometimes a reduced distance is toleratedSometimes a reduced distance is tolerated

• When you are side by side with someone• In crowdy places• With people you know and trust

Social Distance YardstickTerritoriality is an important concept in communication:

typically, human beings stake out space or territory.

• Intimate Distance-0 to 18 inches• Personal Distance-18 inches to 4 feet• Social Distance-4 to 12 feet; and• Public Distance-12 feet to the limit of sight.

Interpersonal distance

• Move closer only if you receive a positive signal

• Moving into the intimate zone (2’6”)

may cause discomfort

At 4’ you are at the borderline between the social zone and the personal zone

Negative body signsNegative body signs

• Body turned away

• Feet turned away

• Leaning backward

• Folded arms or legs

• Looking around

• Looking bored

Positive body signsPositive body signs• Body oriented towards you

• Leaning forward• Open posture• Head tilted to one side• Mirroring your posture• Smiling• Looking happy• Looking at mouth

Positive GesturesPositive Gestures

• Give good face• Nod in agreement• Open palm hand movements• Synchronisation• Hair flipping• Head tossing• Eyebrow flashing•Preening (touching clothes, face or hair)

Positive Female Positive Female • Enhance feminity• Draw knees towards body when seated (looking smaller)• Cross and recross legs•Stroke neck, thigh, face, arms, hair, …• Whisper

Positive MalePositive Male

• Enhancing masculine appearance• Hands in pockets with elbows out (enlarging chest)• Leaning against wall with one hand placed above sholder height (appearing taller)• Stand tall• Move hands to belt

Negative GesturesNegative Gestures

• Palm rubbing

• Display of anxie- ty or nervosity

• Blank, unexpres- sive face

• Closed, near-to- body movements

ACTIVE ACTIVE LISTENINGLISTENING

Good listening is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk.

Good listening is about Good listening is about giving good 'feedback‘.giving good 'feedback‘.

This involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to show that you are paying attention, and that you are interested.

NON-VERBAL FEEDBACKNON-VERBAL FEEDBACK

Effective signals : nodding, smiling, responsive facial expressions, leaning forwards, …and general positive body language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo..

VERBAL FEEDBACK

Good signals :Use expressions like "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah", “great”, …

They show interest or agreement and encourage the other to continue

HUMORHUMORHumor is necessary for succesful flirting.

But inappropriate use can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds.

Fact :

BOTH TRUST AND ATTRACTION INCREASE BOTH TRUST AND ATTRACTION INCREASE WHEN A LIGHTHEARTED APPROACH IS USED.WHEN A LIGHTHEARTED APPROACH IS USED.

RECIPROCAL DISCLOSURE(TMI too quickly can work against you)

Disclosure of almost any personal information is a move towards intimacy.

The key to succesful flirting or enhanced romantic relationships is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually and in a balanced way.

Pointing.Pointing.

• Sneak a peek at what their feet and hands are doing - we tend to point toward the person we're interested in.

• If we find someone attractive, we'll often point at them subconsciously with our hands arms, feet, legs, toes.

Eyes are very powerful ! If, after making eye contact and briefly holding

someones gaze, the other looks away and then looks back, you know (s)he is interested !

---- DO NOT OVERDO EYECONTACT ----

Love StareLove Stare

Basic rules for eye contact

1. 1st short contact2. Look away, then look

back3. Make contact again to

start conversation4. Look while listening5. Look away while talking

The five secret signals that

someone is flirting with you!

It takes us between 90 seconds and four minutes to decide if we

are attracted to someone

Before you've even spoken to the person you've got your eye on, the way you've walked and stood is

more than 80 per cent of their first impression of you!

Blinking• If someone likes what they see, their pupil size

increases and so does their blink rate.• If you want to up the odds in your favor, try

increasing the blink rate of the person you're talking to, by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, If the person likes you, they'll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to they'll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to

keep in sync with you, which in turn, keep in sync with you, which in turn, makes you both feel more attracted to each other!

The eyebrow flash.

• When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall.

• If they are similarly attracted, they raise their eyebrows in return.

• Never noticed? It's not surprising since the whole thing lasts only about a fifth of a second!

The Flirting Triangle.The Flirting Triangle.• When we look at people we're not familiar with

our eyes make a zig-zag motion: we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.

• With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape: we look from eye to eye but also look down to include the nose and mouth.

• Once we start flirting, the triangle gets even bigger - it widens at the bottom to include their good bits (like the body). The more intense the flirting, the The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we'll look from eye to eye - and more intensely we'll look from eye to eye - and the more time we'll spend looking at their mouth.the more time we'll spend looking at their mouth.

Go to “My Communications Lab”Go to “My Communications Lab”Watch: ”Do You Come Here Often? ”

(under Multimedia for Chapter 10)

• Note all of the body language, personal space issues, attempts at relationship escalation and de-escalation.

Relationship Elevator

Politeness and RudenessPoliteness and RudenessInteresting how our politeness peaks with friends and

decreases with intimates (lovers, parents, siblings)

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/3475766/dealing_with_rudeness/

Relationships rarely Relationships rarely stand still over time.stand still over time.

If you get complacent If you get complacent a relationship can a relationship can

stagnate. stagnate.

Food for thought: “The Food for thought: “The only thing that rolls only thing that rolls along on its own is along on its own is

going downhill.”going downhill.”

WHERE ARE YOU IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVERS?You can change the direction if it is worth it and you make an effort.

Limerence or Love?Jon & Kate: You Decide.

Tennov differentiates between limerence and other emotions by asserting that love involves concern for the other person's welfare and feeling.

During the height of limerence, thoughts of the limerent object (or person) are both persistent, involuntary and intrusive. Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession. 

The bulk of relationships, however, according to Tennov, are those between a limerent person and a nonlimerent other, i.e. limerent-nonlimerent bonding. These bonds are characterized by unequal reciprocation.

Will your marriage survive?Will your marriage survive?

• http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/quizzes/marriage.html• http://www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship_quiz/quiz2/• Dr. John Gottman of the Family Research Lab at the University of Washington, has

been studying what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. He measures heart rate, observes facial expression, and evaluates how couples talk about their marriage. Based on Gottman's predictions, he designed a free marriage quiz that is designed to provide you with marriage quiz results that will be applicable to your marriage.

• Gottman is able to predict with 90 percent accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not.

• Test the strength of your marriage by taking this 22-question relationship quiz developed by Dr. Gottman.

Gottman’s top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.Gottman’s top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.• Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind,

half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years).

• Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

• Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

• Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another

• Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way.

• Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones.

Signs of DivorceSigns of Divorce(see link to file: “Signs of a Divorce ahead”)(see link to file: “Signs of a Divorce ahead”)

Who’s Afraid of Virginia WollfeWho’s Afraid of Virginia Wollfe

• A Oscar winning film exploring power, conflict the rise, fall and death of a marriage.

• Could this marriage be saved?

Relationships that die have a post –Relationships that die have a post –separation period similar to the separation period similar to the grieving period of a real death. grieving period of a real death.

• At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a friendship or a lover or even intense disappointment can cause grief.

• Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.

Stages of GriefStages of Grief

Five Stages Of Grief• Denial and Isolation.

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

• Anger.The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt , or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

• Bargaining.Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

• Depression.The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

• Acceptance.This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Power Power in Interpersonal Relationshipsin Interpersonal Relationships

• Competitive or Submissive• Basis of conflict and tensions• How is power a factor in relational conflicts?• When does it become dysfunctional?

Go to the multimedia library for Chapter 9 in “My Go to the multimedia library for Chapter 9 in “My communications Lab” and watch “Chairs Office” video on communications Lab” and watch “Chairs Office” video on unequal power in relationships. Comment on this video.unequal power in relationships. Comment on this video.

Power RelationshipsPower Relationships

How power imbalances can How power imbalances can lead to dysfunctional lead to dysfunctional

relationships.relationships.(see link)(see link)

http://www.ta-tutor.com/webpdf/ram167.pdf