ASSERTIVENESS - Harper West · others easily disregard them. • Violating your own rights. • Also sometimes showing a subtle lack of respect for the other person’s ability to

OvercomingAnxiety&Depression

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ASSERTIVENESSWorkbook

IntroductionYoumaybesurprisedtolearnthatbeingpassiveorgettingaggressive/angryatyourself,others,ortheworldaretwofactorsthatcanmaintainlowmoodoranxiety.Alternatively,youmayhaveincludedthesefactorsonyourownviciouscycles,andwonderedhowyoumightalterthese.TheEffectsofBeingUnassertiveThemaineffectofnotbeingassertiveisthatitcanleadtolowselfesteem.Ifwecommunicateinapassivemannerwearenotsayingwhatwereallyfeelorthink.Thismeanswecanendupagreeingwithandfulfillingotherpeople’sneedsorwantsratherthanourown.Thiscanresultinalackofpurpose,andafeelingofnotbeingincontrolofourownlives.Ifweneverexpressourselvesopenlyandconcealourthoughtsandfeelingsthiscanmakeusfeeltense,stressed,anxiousorresentful.Itcanalsoleadtounhealthyanduncomfortablerelationships.Wewillfeellikethepeopleclosesttousdon’treallyknowus.Ifweconstantlycommunicateinanaggressivemannerwewilleventuallylosefriendsandpeoplewillloserespectforus.Again,thiscanleadtolowselfesteem.Thereisalargeamountofresearchexaminingthenegativeimpactoflackingassertiveness–thatis,beingeitherpassiveoraggressive.Peoplewhoaremoreassertivetendtobelessdepressedandhavebetterhealthoutcomes.WhatisAssertiveness?Assertivenessisacommunicationstyle.Itisbeingabletoexpressyourfeelings,thoughts,beliefs,andopinionsinanopenmannerthatdoesn’tviolatetherightsofothers.Othercommunicationstylesyoumayhaveheardofincludebeingaggressive,whichisastylethatviolatestherightsofothers,andbeingpassivewhereweviolateourownrights.Youhaveprobablyalsoheardofpassive-aggressive.Thisiswheresomeoneisessentiallybeingaggressivebutinapassiveorindirectway.Forexample,someonemaybeangrybuttheydon’tactinanovertlyaggressivewaybyyellingorhitting,insteadtheymaysulkorslamadoor.

PASSIVE:Violatesownrights.Othersneedsgivenpriority.

ASSERTIVE:Respectsbothownneedsandneedsofothers.

AGGRESSIVE:Violatesneedsofothers.Ownneedshave priority.

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Howassertiveareyou?Itcanbedifficulttoknowhowassertiveweare.Insomesituationswemayfeelverycapableofbeingassertivebutinothersituationswemayfindourselvesnotreallyexpressinghowwefeltorthought,andfeelingupsetorfrustratedwithourselves.Thisnextexercisecanhelpyoudeterminehowassertiveyouareandhelpyouworkoutinwhichsituationsyouwouldliketobemoreassertive.Downtheleftsidewehavealistofdifferentsituationsthatrequireassertiveness.Acrossthetoparedifferentgroupsofpeople.Youworkacrosscellbycellandrateeachcombinationofsituationsandgroupsofpeople.Forexample,someonemayfindgivingcomplimentstostrangersrelativelyeasyandratethemselvesat0inthiscell,buthavealotofdifficultygivingcomplimentstoauthorityfiguressuchastheirbossandsoratethiscellat4.Exercise:ratingyourassertivenessindifferentsituationsFillineachcellusingascalefrom0to5.Aratingof“0”meansyoucanassertyourselfwithnoproblem.Aratingof5meansthatyoucannotassertyourselfatallinthissituation. Friends

ofthesamegender

Friendsofdifferentgender

Authorityfigures

Strangers Workcolleagues

Intimaterelationsorspouse

Shopassistants

SayingNo

Givingcompliments

Expressingyouropinion

Askingforhelp

Expressinganger

Expressingaffection

Statingyourrightandneeds

Givingcriticism

Beingcriticised

Startingandkeepingaconversationgoing

Remember–beingassertivedoesnotmeanbeingaggressive!

RecognisingtheDifferencebetweenPassive,AssertiveandAggressiveCommunicationStyles.Itisimportantthatyoulearnhowtorecognisetheverbalandnon-verbalcharacteristicsofthedifferentcommunicationstyles.Onceweknowthesewewillbeabletorecognisepassive,assertiveoraggressivebehaviourinourselvesandothers.Thefirststeptochangingbehaviourisrecognisingwhichbitsweneedtochange.Itmaybethatyouareabletospeakassertively,i.e.yourverbalskillsareassertive,butyournonverbalcommunicationmaybequitepassiveandcontradictingyourverbalcommunication.Forexample,ifyousay“Idon’tlikeitwhenyoudothat”,whichisanassertivestatement,butyoudoitinaveryquietvoicewithnoeyecontactandshufflingyourfeet,thenyournonverbalbehaviourwillundermineyourverbalandyourmessagewillprobablynotbetakenseriously.

COMMUNICATIONSTYLEPASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE

DEFINITION •Notexpressinghonestfeelings,thoughtsandbeliefs.Therefore,allowingotherstoviolateyourrights.Canalsomeanexpressingthoughtsandfeelingsinanapologetic,self-effacingway–sothatotherseasilydisregardthem.•Violatingyourownrights.•Alsosometimesshowingasubtlelackofrespectfortheotherperson’sabilitytotakedisappointments,shouldersomeresponsibility,orhandletheirownproblems.

•Youstandupforyourpersonalrightsandexpressyourthoughts,feelingsandbeliefsinawaywhichisusuallyinappropriateandalwaysviolatestherightsoftheotherperson.•Peopleoftenfeeldevastatedbyanencounterwithanaggressiveperson•Superiorityismaintainedbyputtingothersdown.•Whenthreatenedyouattack.

•Awayofcommunicatingourfeelings,thoughts,andbeliefsinanopen,honestmannerwithoutviolatingtherightsofothers.•Itisanalternativetobeingaggressivewhereweabuseotherpeople’srightsandpassivewhereweabuseourownrights.

VERBALCHARACTER-ISTICS

•longramblingsentences•beat-around-the-bush•hesitant,filledwithpauses•frequentthroatclearing•apologiseinappropriatelyinasoftunsteadyvoice•usingphrasessuchas“ifitwouldn’tbetoomuchtrouble...”•fillinwords,e.g.,“maybe”,“er”,“um”,“sortof”•voiceoftendullandmonotonous•tonemaybesing-songorwhining•over-softorover-warm•quietoftendroppingaway•frequentjustifications,e.g.,“Iwouldn’tnormallysayanything”

•Strident,sarcasticorcondescendingvoice•Fluent,fewhesitations•Oftenabrupt,clipped•Oftenfast•Emphasisingblamingwords•Firmvoice•Tonesarcastic,cold,harsh•Voicecanbestrident,oftenshouting,risingatend•Useofthreats,e.g.,“You’dbetterwatchout”or“Ifyoudon’t...”•Putdowns,e.g.,“You’vegottobekidding...”or“Don’tbesostupid”•Evaluativecomments,emphasisingconceptssuchas:should”,“bad”,“ought”•Sexual/racistremarks

•Firm,relaxedvoice•Fluent,fewhesitations•Steadyevenpace•Toneismiddlerange,richandwarm•Sincereandclear•Notover-loudorquiet•Voiceappropriatelyloudforthesituation•“I”statements(“Ilike”,“Iwant”,“Idon’tlike”)thatarebriefandtothepoint•Co-operativephrases,e.g.,“Whatareyourthoughtsonthis”•Emphaticstatementsofinterest,e.g.,“Iwouldliketo”•Distinctionbetweenfactandopinion,e.g.,“Myexperienceisdifferent”

•apologies,e.g.,“I’mterriblysorrytobotheryou.”•qualifiers,e.g.,“Itsonlymyopinion”or“Imightbewrong”•self-dismissal,e.g.,“It’snotimportant”or“Itdoesn’treallymatter”•selfput-downs,e.g.,“I’museless...hopeless”or“Youknowme...”

•Boastfulness,e.g.,“Ihaven’tgotproblemslikeyours”•Opinionsexpressedasfact,e.g.,“Nobodywanttobehavelikethat”or“That’sauselesswaytodoit”•Threateningquestions,e.g.,“Haven’tyoufinishedthatyet?”or“Whyonearthdidyoudoitlikethat?”

•Suggestionswithout“shoulds”or“oughts”e.g.,“Howabout…”or“Wouldyouliketo…”•Constructivecriticismwithoutblame,e.g.,“Ifeelirritatedwhenyouinterruptme”•Seekingothersopinions,e.g.,“Howdoesthisfitinwithyourideas”•Willingnesstoexploreothersolutions,e.g.,“Howcanwegetaroundthisproblem?”

NON-VERBALCHARACTER-ISTICS

•avertinggaze•lookingdown•posturecanbeslouched•wringinghands•winkingorlaughingwhenexpressinganger•coveringmouthwithhand•crossingarmsforprotection•smilingwhenexpressingangerorbeingcriticised•raisingeyebrowsinanticipation•jawtrembling•lipbiting

•Intrudingintotheotherperson’sspace•Staringtheotherpersonout•Gesturessuchaspointing,fistclenching•Stridingaroundimpatiently•Leaningforwardorover•Crossingarms(unapproachable)•Smilingmaybecomesneering•Scowlingwhenangry•Jawssetfirm

•Receptivelistening•Directeyecontactwithoutstaring•Erect,balanced,openbodystance•Openhandmovements•Smilingwhenpleased•Frowningwhenangry•Featuressteady•Jawrelaxed

THINKINGSTYLE

•“Idon’tcount”•“Myfeelings,needsandthoughtsarelessimportantthanyours”•“Peoplewillthinkbadlyofmeornotlikeme”•“IfIsaynothenImayupsetsomeone,Iwillberesponsibleforupsettingthem”

•“I’llgetyoubeforeyouhaveachanceofgettingme”•“I’moutfornumberone”•“TheworldisabattlegroundandIamouttowin”

•“Iwon’tallowyoutotakeadvantageofmeandIwon’tattackyouforbeingwhoyouare”

HowtoThinkMoreAssertively Oneofthefactorsthatcanmakeitdifficultforustobeassertiveisourthinking.Weallholdbeliefsaboutourselves,otherpeopleandhowtheworldworks.Usuallythesebeliefscamefromourexperienceintheworldandmadesensetousatthetime.Howevereventhoughwehavemovedonfromtheseexperienceswemaynothaveupdatedourthinking.Forexample,asachildwemayhavebeentaughtbyourfamilythatitisimpolitetoaskforthingsormakedemandswhenotherpeoplearearound.Hence,wemayhavedevelopedabeliefthatitisrudeandselfishtotellothersourneedsanddesires,andthattherightthingtodoistokeepthemtoourselves.Asadultswemaystillhavethisbeliefeventhoughwearenolongerinthesamesituation.Wecontinuetoassumethatthebeliefistruewithoutcheckingitout.Asaresult,wemayneverexpressourneedsanddesireswhichcouldmakeusfeeltense,stressed,anxiousorresentful.Belowarelistedanumberoftypicalunassertivethoughts.Seeifanyofthemapplytoyou.•Ishouldn’tsayhowI’mreallyfeelingorthinkingbecauseIdon’twanttoburdenotherswithmyproblems.•IfIassertmyselfIwillupsettheotherpersonandruinourrelationship•ItwillbeterriblyembarrassingifIsaywhatIthink•Ifsomeonesays“no”tomyrequestitisbecausetheydon’tlikeorloveme•Ishouldn’thavetosaywhatIneedorhowIfeel:peopleclosetomeshouldalreadyknow•Itisuncaring,rudeandselfishtosaywhatyouwant•Ihavenorighttochangemymind;neitherhasanyoneelse•Itwillallworkoutintheend,andanywayit’snotmyfault•Peopleshouldkeeptheirfeelingstothemselves•IfIexpressthatIamfeelinganxiouspeoplewillthinkIamweakandridiculemeortakeadvantageofme.•IfIacceptcomplimentsfromsomeoneitwillmeanIambigheaded. Exercise:identifyyourownunassertivebeliefs/thoughtsTakeaminuteandseeifyoucanidentifyanymoreunassertivebeliefsthatyouhave.___________________________________________________________________

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Changingyourbeliefsandthoughts Identifyingyourunhelpfulbeliefsisthefirststeptowardschangingthem.Infact,forsomepeoplejustrealisingthattheyhavebeenthinkingthiswaycanbeenoughtohelpthemchange,especiallywhentheyrealisetheyhavetherighttochangeandthinkinadifferentway.Therearetwootherwayswecanchangeourunhelpfulthoughts;

i) Challengeourthoughtsii) Setupbehaviourexperiments

i)ChallengingThoughtsUseaThoughtDiary(attachedatthebackofthisworkbook)tochallengeyourthoughts.Notethesituation,theemotion,andthehotthoughts(i.e.thosethoughtsmoststronglyrelatedtoyouremotion),andidentifyanythinkingerrors.Thenusechallengingquestionstoproduceanalternativethought.Youcanusethefollowingquestionstohelpchallengeunassertivethoughts:

ThefollowingisanexampleofanunassertivethoughtthathasbeenchallengedusingaThoughtDiary.

AmIthinkinginapassive,assertiveoraggressiveway?

DidIrespondinapassive,assertiveoraggressiveway?

Whatistheevidenceforthisthought?

Whatistheevidenceagainstthisthought?

HowelsecouldIviewthesituation?

Arethereanyotherinterpretationsofwhathappened?

Whatwouldbeamoreassertivewayofthinkingandresponding?

Situation Emotion Thought(underlinethe‘hotthought’)

ThinkingErrors(AmI

thinkinginapassiveoraggressiveway?)

AlternativeThoughts(usethechallengingquestions)

Iaskedafriendtogoshoppingwithmeandshesaid“no”.

HurtAngry

Sheisselfishforsaying“No”.Maybeshedoesn’tlikemeanymore.

Aggressive-thatIthinksheshoulddowhatIwantherto.

Shehasdonelotsofthingswithmeandformeoverthecourseofourfriendship.Shemaybetired.Shemayhavesomethingelseon.Shehasarighttosaynoandthatdoesn’tmeansheisselfish. Iwillsuggestcatchingupanothertimedoingsomethingthatwebothlike.

ii)BehaviourExperimentsDoingaThoughtDiarycanhelpuschangeourbeliefsaboutasituation.Thisisespeciallytruewhenwewritethendownandpractiseournewthoughtsoverandoveragain.Sometimeshoweveritishardforustoshiftourbeliefswhenallwearedoingiswritingdownourthoughts.Wemightseethatitmakessenselogicallybutfeelinsidethatnothinghasreallychanged.ThoughtDiariesmayalsobedifficulttousewhenthereisnorealevidencefororagainstaparticularsituation.WhatmaybemoreusefulinthissituationistodoaBehaviouralExperiment.WearestilltryingtochangeourbeliefsbutwhereasaThoughtDiaryhelpsuschangebeliefsbythinkingdifferentlyaboutthebelief,aBehaviouralExperimenthelpsuschangebeliefsbyactuallygivingussomeevidencetosupportanewbelief.Forexample,someonemayhavethebelief:“IfIassertmyselfthenIwillupsettheotherpersonandruinourrelationship”.Thisbeliefhasmeantthatthepersonhasalwaysgonealongwithwhatotherssuggesteventhoughtitmaybethecompleteoppositeofwhattheyreallywanttodo.Theybelieveitsomuchtheyhaveneverconsideredtryingtoassertthemselves.TheyhavecompletedsomeThoughtDiariesandrealisedthattheydon’treallyhaveanyevidencetosupporttheirbelief.However,neitherdotheyhaveanyevidenceagainstitsotheyfeelabitstuck.Theydecidethatonewaytheycanfindoutistodoanexperimentwheretheyactuallytesttheirpredictionthattheotherpersonwillbeupsetandtherelationshipwillberuined.Thiswillbeachallengeandcanbequiteanxietyprovoking.Whendecidingtodoanexperimentitisimportantthatyouplanitcarefullysothattheresultswillbeclear.Alsoyoumayneedtostartwithaneasierexperimentandthenbuilduptomoredifficultsituations.StepOne–IdentifythepredictionThefirststepistoidentifythepredictionthatyouhaveaboutthesituationandhowyouwillknowifithashappened.Thisisanimportantstep,asifyoudon’tmakeitclearhowyouwillknowithashappenedthenyoucaneasilyshiftthegoalpostsaftertheexperiment.StepTwo–IdentifyanyunhelpfulbehavioursYoualsoneedtoidentifyanyunassertiveorunhelpfulbehaviourthatyouwouldnormallydosothatyoucanmakesurethatyoudon’tdotheseduringtheexperiment.Thenyouneedtomakesomemorehelpfulpredictionsaboutwhatmayhappen.StepThree–IdentifyamorerealisticpredictionYoumayhaveproducedthisearlierinyourthoughtdiaryinthealternativethoughtscolumn.

StepFour–SetuptheexperimentYouthensetuptheexperiment.Thisinvolvesbeingveryclearaboutthestepsyouwilltake.Makeitclearwhen,whereandhowyouwilldotheexperiment.Thisincludesidentifyingsomemorehelpfulbehavioursthatyouwilldoduringtheexperiment.StepFive–CarryouttheexperimentandevaluatetheresultsYouthendotheexperimentandevaluatetheresults.Askyourself:Whathappened?Wereyouroriginalpredictionssupported?Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperiment?Thefollowingexampleisanexperimenttotestthebelief:“IfIassertmyselfthenIwillupsettheotherpersonandruinourrelationship”.StepOne–IdentifythepredictionTheSituation Telling my friend I don’t want to go shopping with her. MyPrediction She will be upset and angry and not want to be my

friend anymore. HowmuchdoIbelieveitwillhappen(0-100%)?

HowwillIknowithashappened?

She will hang up on me and not return my calls or ring me.

StepTwo–IdentifyanyunhelpfulbehavioursWhatunhelpfulbehaviourswouldInormallyengageintocope(eg.avoidance,escape,safetybehaviours)

Make up excuses, pretend to be sick, avoid her until it is too late.

StepThree–IdentifyamorerealisticpredictionMakeamorerealisticprediction(canbefromthoughtdiary)

She has said no to me before and that was fine. She may be disappointed but if she is a good friend she won’t be angry and our relationship will be fine.

StepFour–SetuptheexperimentWhatwillIdodifferentlytotestoutthetwopredictions?

Instead of avoiding her I will ring her today first thing and explain why I don’t want to go shopping at this particular time (i.e. I have a meeting I need to prepare for). I will organise another time to catch up with her.

StepFive–CarryouttheexperimentandevaluatetheresultsWhatactuallyhappened?

She said it was fine and in fact suited her too. We made a time for a coffee next week.

Howmuchdidmyoriginalpredictioncometrue?(0-100%)

Whichpredictionwassupported?

The more realistic one.

Whatwasitliketobehavedifferently?

Scary, difficult at first, got easier.

Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperiment?

I tend to expect the worse and this has kept me behaving in a passive way. It felt good to be honest and direct. Being assertive doesn’t mean that people will be upset with you and if they are then that is their problem to work on.

Atthebackofthisworkbookisablankexperimentsheetforyoutouse.

ChangingyourbehaviourThereareanumberoftechniquesthatcanbeusedtohelpyoubecomemoreassertiveinyourbehaviour.We’veidentified6here:

I) BasicAssertion;

II) EmpathicAssertion;

III) ConsequenceAssertion;

IV) DiscrepancyAssertion;

V) NegativeFeelingsAssertion;

VI) BrokenRecord.

Youmayfindthesetechniquesratherstrangeinitially,anditmightbeagoodideatobeginpracticingtheminaneutralsituation,i.e.whereyouremotionsaren’ttoostrong.Thenasyoubecomemoreskilledyoucanbeginusingtheminmoredifficultoremotionalsituations.Remember,aswithanynewskillyoulearn,thefirsttimeyoutrythesetechniquestheymaynotgothewayyouplanned.Itisimportantyoudon’tbeatyourselfupaboutthisbutlookatwhatwentwrongandhowyoumightdoitdifferentlynexttime.Andthenhaveanothergo!Overtimeyouwillfindthattheygeteasier.Warning!Don’tforgettomakesurethatyourverbaltechniquesaresupportedbyyournon-verbalbodylanguage.Makesureyou’renotappearingaggressiveorpassive.

i)BasicAssertionBasicassertioniswhenwemakeastatementthatexpressesclearlyourneeds,wants,beliefs,opinionsorfeelings.Thistypeofassertioncanbeusedeverydaytomakeourneedsknown.Typically,basicassertionuses“I”statements.Examplesofan“I”statementare:•“Ineedtobeawayby5o'clock"•"Ifeelpleasedwiththewaytheissuehasbeenresolved"

Youcanalsousebasicassertiontogivepraiseorcompliments,informationorfacts,orwhenraisinganissuewithsomeoneforthefirsttime.Forexample:•"Ihaven'tthoughtaboutthatbefore,I'dliketimetothinkaboutyouridea."•“Ithoughtyourpresentationwasreallygood”.•"Thecostwillbe£2,000”.•“Ilikeitwhenyouhelpme”.Itisimportanttoremembertobespecificwhenmakingyourstatement.Decidewhatitisyouwantorfeel,andsaysospecificallyordirectly.Avoidunnecessarypaddingandkeepyourstatementsimpleandbrief.Thisskillwillhelpyoutobeclearaboutwhatexactlyitisyouwanttocommunicate.Basicassertionalsoincludeswhatsomepeoplerefertoastheselfdisclosuretechniquewhichessentiallymeansdisclosingyourfeelingswithasimplestatement.Forexample:•“Ifeelnervous”•“Ifeelguilty”.•“Ifeelangry”Theimmediateeffectoftheselfdisclosureistoreduceyouranxiety,enablingyoutorelaxandtakechargeofyourselfandyourfeelings.Using“I”statementstoexpressyourfeelingsinthiswayalsoshowsyouaretakingresponsibilityforyourownfeelings.ii)EmpathicAssertionEmpathymeansthatwetrytounderstandanotherperson’sfeelings,needsorwants.Sothistypeofassertioncontainsanelementofrecognitionoftheotherperson'sfeelings,needsorwants,aswellasastatementofyourneedsandwants.Thistypeofassertioncanbeusedwhentheotherpersonisinvolvedinasituationthatmaynotfitwithyourneeds,andyouwanttoindicatethatyouareawareofandsensitivetotheirposition.ExamplesofEmpathicassertion:•"Iappreciatethatyoudon'tlikethenewprocedure,however,untilit’schanged,I'dlikeyoutokeepworkingonit."•"Iknowyou'rebusyatthemoment,John,butI'dliketomakearequestofyou."•"Irecognisethatit'sdifficulttobepreciseoncosts,however,Ineedaroughestimate."Empatheticassertionisusefulinholdingyoubackfromover-reactingwithaggressionasitcausesyoutogiveyourselftimetoimaginetheotherperson'spositionandthereforeslowdownyourresponse.Itispossibletoover-usecertainphrasesinempathicassertionanditcanstarttosoundinsincere.Itcanalsobeusedtomaskaggression.Forexample,ifsomeonesays"Iappreciateyourfeelings,but..."thentheempathicstatement“Iappreciateyour

feelings”isdevaluedbytheword"but"andthephrasebecomesaggressionmaskedasassertion.iii)ConsequenceassertionThisisthestrongestformofassertionandisseenasalastresortbehaviour.Itisusuallyusedinasituationwheresomeonehasnotbeenconsideringtherightsofothersandyouwanttogettheirbehaviourtochangewithoutbecomingaggressiveyourself.Inaworksituationitmaybeusedwhenstandardproceduresorguidelinesarenotbeingfollowed.Whenyouuseconsequenceassertionyouinformtheotherpersonoftheconsequencesforthemofnotchangingtheirbehaviour.Itcaneasilybeseenasthreateningandthereforeaggressive.Onlyusethisformofassertionwhenyouhavesanctionstoapply,andonlywhenyouarepreparedtoapplythem.Asthistypeofassertioncaneasilybeseenasaggressiveyouneedtobeverycarefulofthenon-verbalsignalsyouuse.Keepyourvoicecalmandatanevenpitchandvolume,keepgoodeyecontact,andtryandkeepyourbodyandfacerelaxed.ExamplesofConsequenceassertion:•"Ifyoucontinuetowithholdtheinformation,Iamleftwithnooption,buttobringintheproductiondirector.I'dprefernotto."•"I'mnotprepared,John,toletanyofmystaffcooperatewithyoursontheproject,unlessyougivethemaccesstothesamefacilitiesthatyourpeoplehave."•"Ifthisoccursagain,I'mleftwithnoalternative,buttoapplytheformaldisciplinaryprocedure.I'dprefernotto."iv)DiscrepancyAssertionDiscrepancyassertionworksbypointingoutadiscrepancybetweenwhathaspreviouslybeenagreedandwhatisactuallyhappening.Thisisusefulforclarifyingwhetherthereisamisunderstandingoracontradiction,andwhenaperson’sbehaviourdoesnotmatchtheirwords.ExamplesofDiscrepancyassertion:•"AsIunderstandit,weagreedthatProjectAwastoppriority.Nowyou'reaskingmetogivemoretimetoProjectB.I'dliketoclarifywhichisnowthepriority."•"Paul,ontheonehandyouaresayingthatyouwanttoimprovecooperationbetweenourdepartments,butontheotherhandyoumakestatementsaboutusthatmakeitdifficultforustocooperate.Iagreethatwecanimprovethesituation,soI'dliketotalkaboutthat."v)NegativefeelingsassertionNegativefeelingsassertionisusedwhenyouareexperiencingverynegativefeelingstowardsanotherperson-anger,resentment,hurtandsoon.Inacontrolledandcalmwayyoudrawattentiontotheundesirableaffectanotherperson'sbehaviourishavingonyou.Thisallowsyoutodealwiththefeelingswithoutmakinganuncontrolledoutburst,andalertstheotherpersontotheeffectsoftheiractionsonyou.

Therearefourstepstonegativefeelingassertion:StepOne-Describetheotherperson’sbehaviourobjectively.Becarefultodothiswithoutinterpretingorjudging.Forexample:‘Whenyouleaveitthislatetoproduceyourreport………’StepTwo-Describetheimpactoftheperson’sbehaviouronyou.Bespecificandclear.Don’tovergeneralise.Forexample:‘...itinvolvesmyworkingovertheweekend...’StepThree-DescribeyourfeelingsMakesureyouusetheword‘I’todescribeyourfeelings,sothatyouaretakingresponsibilityforthese.Forexample‘…..Ifeelannoyedaboutthis…..’StepFour-Statehowyouwouldpreferthebehaviourtobeinthefuture.Thisisessential,itallowsyoutoindicateinaclearandstraightforwardwaywhatactionoroutcomeyouwouldlike.Ifyourneedsarenotknowtheywillnotbetakenintoconsiderationinanynegotiations,aspeoplecannotbeexpectedtoknowwhatyouwantunlessyoutellthem.Forexample‘...soinfutureI'dliketoreceiveitbyFridaylunchtime’vi)BrokenRecordChildrenareexpertsatthebrokenrecordtechnique.Thisskillinvolvespreparingwhatyouaregoingtosayandrepeatingitexactlyasoftenasnecessary,inacalm,relaxedmanner.Thisskillcanapplyinmostsituations.Itisagoodskilltousewhenyouaredealingwithclever,articulatepeople,asallyouhavetodoissticktoyourpreparedlines.Ithelpskeepyourelaxedbecauseyouknowwhatyouaregoingtosayandyoucanmaintainasteadycomment,avoidingirrelevantlogicorargumentativebait.Itisaparticularlygoodtechniquegoodforsayingno.ExampleoftheBrokenRecordtechnique:Kate:CanIborrow£20fromyou?Dave:Ican’tlendyouanymoney.I’verunout.Kate:I’llpayyoubackassoonasIcan.Ineeditdesperately.Youaremyfriendaren’tyou?Dave:Ican’tlendyouanymoney.Kate:Iwoulddothesameforyou.Youwon’tmiss£20.Dave:IamyourfriendbutIcan’tlendyouanymoney.I’verunout.Thisbrokenrecordtechniquecanbecombinedwiththeotherassertivenesstechniquesyouhavelearned.Alwaysbeginwiththemildeststance,gettingmoreandmoreassertiveasyouseefit.Avoidjumpinginfirstwiththeheaviestconsequencesstance;itwillbeathreatandaggressivebehaviour,NOTassertivebehaviour.

Thefollowingexampleusesalllevelsofassertivenessbeginningwithbasicassertionthenmovingthroughtoempathicassertionandthenconsequenceassertion.Basic•"Iboughtthisclockhereyesterday.Thebuttonformovingthehandsisn'tworkingproperlysoI'dliketoexchangeitplease"Atthispointtheassistantwilleitheragreeor:•"Theclockshouldhavebeencheckedbeforeitlefttheshop"Empathetic•"Irealisethatwouldhavemadethingseasier,however,Iwouldstillliketoreplaceit."Atthispointtheassistantwilleitheragreeor:•"Idon'thavetheauthoritytoexchangethings"Response"Iwouldstilllikeittobereplaced."Afterafewexchangesthelevelcouldberaisedto:Consequence•"Iwouldliketheitemchanged.IfyouarenotpreparedtodothatIwilltakethematterupwithyourHeadOffice.Iwouldprefertoresolveitnow.”Theonesituationinwhichthistechniquecanbeadisadvantageiswhenyouaremakingarequestfromsomeonewhodoesnotwanttodowhatyouareasking.Whentheycontinuetoresist,yourrequestslosepowereverytimeyouhavetorepeatthem.Iftherequestsarerepeatedtoooftenitcanbackfireontheauthorityofyourwords.Inthesecasesitisnecessarytohavesomeconsequencesonhand.Exercise:PracticebeingassertiveandkeepalogAllofthesetechniquesrequirepractice.Startwithbasicassertionandpracticethisforaweekortwobeforeyoubegintryingtheothers.Pickonetechniqueatatimeanduseitwheneverappropriate.Itcanbehelpfultokeepalittlelogbookordiaryofthewaysyouhavebeenabletousetheseassertivetechniques.Thenyoucanseehowoftenyouareusingassertivenessandwhichtechniquesarethemostusefulonesforyou.Wehaveattachedalogatthebackofthisworkbookforyoutouse.

Saying“No”Manypeoplehavegreatdifficultysaying“No”toothers.Evenpeoplewhoarequiteassertiveinothersituationsmayfindthemselvessaying“Yes”tothingsthattheyreallydon’twanttodo.Forexample,afriendmayaskyoutodosomethingwhichisarealinconvenienceforyouandyousay“Yes”,oryoumayfindyourselfvolunteeringforallsortsofjobstothepointthatyouareover-loaded.Theeffectsofnotbeingabletosay“No”Ifyousay“Yes”whenyoureallymean“No”,resentmentandangercanbuilduptowardsthepersonyouhavesaid“Yes”to,eventhoughtheyhavedonenothingwrong.Youcanalsobecomeincreasinglyfrustratedanddisappointedwithyourself.Andifyouaretakingonmorethatyoucancopewith,youcanbecomeover-workedandhighlystressed.Inthelongtermnotbeingassertiveinthiswaycandecreaseyourselfesteemandleadtodepressionandanxiety.Attheotherendofthespectrumsomepeopleareabletosay“No”butdosoinanaggressivemannerwithoutconsiderationorrespectfortheotherperson.Thismayresultinpeopledislikingyouorbeingangryandresentful.Neitherofthesesituationsisgoodassertivecommunication.Unhelpfulbeliefs:Whyisithardtosay“No”Anyonewhohasspentanytimearoundatoddlerknowsthattheyhavenotroublesaying“No!”Howeveraswegrowolderwelearnfromourenvironmentandourexperiencethatitisnotalwaysappropriatetosay“no”.Wecanendupwithanumberofunhelpfulbeliefsaboutsaying“no”thatmakeitdifficultforustousethisword.Someofthesebeliefsarelistedbelow.Seeifanyapplytoyouorwhetheryouhaveyourownbeliefsaboutsaying“no”.

UNHELPFULBELIEFS

•Saying“no”isrudeandaggressive.

•Saying“no”isunkind,uncaringandselfish.

•Saying“no”willhurtandupsetothersandmakethemfeelrejected.

•IfIsay“no”tosomebodytheywon’tlikemeanymore.

•Others’needsaremoreimportantthanmine.

•Ishouldalwaystryandpleaseothersandbehelpful.

•Saying“no”overlittlethingsissmallmindedandpetty.

Theunhelpfulthoughtsarenotfacts.Theyarejustthoughtsoropinionsthatwehavelearned.Eachofthemcanbereplacedbyamorehelpfulthoughtoropinionaboutsaying“no”.Belowwehavelistedsomeofthese:

HELPFULTHOUGHTS•OtherpeoplehavetherighttoaskandIhavetherighttorefuse.

•Whenyousay“no”youarerefusingarequest,notrejectingaperson.

•Whenwesay“yes”toonethingweareactuallysaying“no”tosomething

else.Wealwayshaveachoiceandweareconstantlymakingchoices.

•Peoplewhohavedifficultysayingnousuallyoverestimatethedifficultythat

theotherpersonwillhaveinacceptingtherefusal.Wearenottrustingthat

theycancopewithhearing“no”.Byexpressingourfeelingsopenlyand

honestly,itactuallyliberatestheotherpersontoexpresstheirfeelings.By

saying“no”tosomebodyitallowsthemtosay“no”toyourrequestswhile

stillbeingabletoaskforfurtherrequests.

Changingyourbehaviour:HowtoSay“no”.Therearesomebasicprinciplesyoucanapplywhenyouwanttosay“no”.Theseare:1.Bestraightforwardandhonestbutnotrudesothatyoucanmakethepoint

effectively.

2.Asarulekeepitbrief.

3.Tellthepersonifyouarefindingitdifficult

4.Bepolite–saysomethinglike“thankyouforasking...”

5.Speakslowlywithwarmthotherwise“no”maysoundabrupt.

6.Don’tapologiseandgiveelaboratereasonsforsaying“no”.Itisyourrighttosay

noifyoudon’twanttodothings.

7.Rememberthatitisbetterinthelongruntobetruthfulthanbreedresentment

andbitternesswithinyourself.

8.Whensaying“no”takeresponsibilityforit.Don’tblameormakeexcuses.Change

“Ican’t”to“Idon’twantto”.

Waysofsaying“No”Therearealsoanumberofwaysyoucansay“no”.Someofthesearemoreappropriateinparticularsituations:1.TheDirect‘no”.Whensomeoneasksyoutodosomethingyoudon'twanttodo,justsay'no'.Theaimistosaynowithoutapologising.Theotherpersonhastheproblembutyoudonothavetoallowhimorhertopassitontoyou.Thistechniquecanbequiteforcefulandcanbeeffectivewithsalespeople.2.Thereflecting‘no”.Thistechniqueinvolvesacknowledgingthecontentandfeelingoftherequest,thenaddingyourassertiverefusalattheend.Forexample,“Iknowyouwanttotalktomeaboutorganizingtheannualdepartmentreview,butIcan'tdolunchtoday”.Or“Iknowyou’relookingforwardtoawalkthisafternoonbutIcan’tcome”.3.Thereasoned“no”.Inthistechniqueyougiveaverybriefandgenuinereasonforwhyyouaresaying“No”.Forexample“Ican'thavelunchwithyoubecauseIhaveareportthatneedstobefinishedbytomorrow”.4.Theraincheck“no”.Thisisnotadefinite“no”.Itisawayofsaying“no”totherequestatthepresentmomentbutleavesroomforsaying“Yes”inthefuture.Onlyuseitifyougenuinelywanttomeettherequest.Forexample“Ican'thavelunchwithyoutoday,butIcouldmakeitsometimenextweek”.5.Theenquiring“no”.Aswiththeraincheck“no”thisisnotadefinite“no”.Itisawayofopeninguptherequesttoseeifthereisanotherwayitcouldbemet.Forexample“Isthereanyothertimeyou’dliketogo?”6.Thebrokenrecord“no”.Thiscanbeusedinawiderangeofsituations.Youjustrepeatthesimplestatementofrefusaloverandoveragain.Noexplanation,justrepeatit.Itisparticularlygoodforpersistentrequests.Forexample:Dave:No,Ican'thavelunchwithyou.Kate:Oh,please,itwon'ttakelong.Dave:No,Ican'thavelunchwithyou.Kate:Oh,goon,I'llpay.Dave:No,Ican'thavelunchwithyou.

RelaxationWhenwearecommunicatinginapassiveoraggressivewayweareoftenfeelinganxiousorangryandthiscanbereflectedinourbodies.Wecanbecometenseinourshoulders,necks,jaworthroughourentirebody.Overtimethistensioncanbuilduptothepointwherewecangetheadaches,backaches,stomachproblems,infactawholerangeofphysicalproblems.Wealsofinditincreasinglydifficulttorelax.Tocommunicateassertivelywemustbeabletocontrolthearousalandtensionthatourbodiesmayfeelwhenweareindifficultsituationsorsituationsinwhichwefeeluncomfortable.Thereareanumberoftechniquesyoucanusetoreducephysicaltension.Someofthesearelistedbelow:•Exercise •Meditation

•Massage •GuidedVisualisation

•ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation •Controlledbreathing

•Yoga •Taichi

Tryoutsomeofthesetechniquesandpickoneortwothatyouparticularlylikeand/orfindusefulwhenyouarefeelingtenseoranxious.Youwillfindsomerelaxationscriptsatthebackofthisworkbook.Rememberlikemostofthetechniquestaughtonthecourse,relaxationtakespractice;sodon’tbetoodespondentifittakesawhilebeforeyounoticeanyeffect!

Worksheets->

ThoughtDiary

Situation Emotion Thought(underlinethe‘hotthought’)

ThinkingErrors(AmIthinkinginapassiveor

aggressiveway?)

AlternativeThoughts(usethechallengingquestions)

BehaviourExperimentSheetStepOne–IdentifythepredictionTheSituation

MyPrediction

HowmuchdoIbelieveitwillhappen(0-100%)?

HowwillIknowithashappened?

StepTwo–IdentifyanyunhelpfulbehavioursWhatunhelpfulbehaviourswouldInormallyengageintocope(eg.avoidance,escape,safetybehaviours)

StepThree–IdentifyamorerealisticpredictionMakeamorerealisticprediction(canbefromthoughtdiary)

StepFour–SetuptheexperimentWhatwillIdodifferentlytotestoutthetwopredictions?

StepFive–CarryouttheexperimentandevaluatetheresultsWhatactuallyhappened?

Howmuchdidmyoriginalpredictioncometrue?(0-100%)

Whichpredictionwassupported?

Whatwasitliketobehavedifferently?

Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperiment?

AssertivenessLogSheetDATE/TIME TECHNIQUEUSED Situationandhow

Thingsto

rememberfornext

Example:Tuesday10am

Basicassertion

Atwork–complimentedMaryonherreport.

MyvoicewasprobablytoosoftandIdidn’tlookathermuch.Nexttimespeakmoreloudlyandmakegoodeyecontact.

RELAXATIONEXERCISES

Progressivemusclerelaxation

Progressivemusclerelaxationreducesthepulserateandbloodpressure,aswellasdecreasing respiration rates and psychological tension. We often do not realisewhichofourmusclesarechronicallytense.Progressivemusclerelaxationprovidesaway of identifyingwhichmuscle groups are tense and distinguishing between thesensationofrelaxationasopposedtotension.Procedure It isimportanttorelaxinapositioninwhichyoufeelaslittletensionaspossible.LyingdownItisbestnottolieonsomethingtoosquashy,otherwiseyoumaybetensingmusclesthatyoudonotmeanto.Youmayliketosupportyourneckandkneesforgreatercomfort.Haveyourpalmsdownandyourlegsshouldbeuncrossed.SittingIfsittinginachairyoushouldensurethat:

a) Yousitwellbackinthechairsoyourbackiswellsupportedb) Bothyourfeetareonthegroundc) Yourlegsandanklesareuncrossedd) Yourforearmssupportedbythechairoryourhandsrestingonyourlegs

Fourmajorareasofthebodyarecovered:

1. Hands,forearmsandupperarms2. Head,face,throat,shouldersandneck3. Chest,stomachandback4. Thighs,buttocks,calvesandfeet

Progressivemusclerelaxationcanbepractised lyingdownorsitting inachairwithyour head supported. Each muscle group is tensed up tightly for five to sevensecondsandthenrelaxedfortwentytothirtyseconds.Thisprocedureisrepeatedatleastonceforeachmusclegroup.Anyareathatremainstensecanbetenseduptofivetimes. It ishelpfulto identifythosemusclegroupsthattendtotenseupwhenyougetstressedsothatyoucanpayspecialattentiontothoseareaswhenrelaxing.Tofamiliariseyourselfwiththeprocedureyoumayfindlisteningtoatapehelpful.

Alistofmusclesandhowtotensethem

After tensingandrelaxingeachmuscle, takeadeepdiaphragmaticbreath,meltingawayanyremainingtensionasyoubreatheout.

Ifyousufferfromneckorbackproblems–omitthoseexercises.Handsandforearmsmakeafist….andthenletgo.Biceps bend your arms at the elbows and try to touch your

wriststoyourshoulders….thenletgo,allowyourarmstoreturntoacomfortablerelaxedposition.

Triceps(backofyourarms) straightenyourarmsashardasyoucan….andthenletgo.

Shoulders shrugthemas if trying tomakethemtouchyourears….andthenletgo.

Neck archyourheadback….turnyourheadtotherightandthentotheleft….thenletgo.

Forehead raiseyoureyebrowsasifsurprised….thenletgo.Browandeyelids squeezeyoureyestightlyshut….thenletgo.Jaw clenchyourteethtogether…thenletgo.Tongueandthroat pushyourtonguehardagainsttheroofofyourmouth

….andletgo.Chest takeareallydeepbreathandholdit….andthenletgo.Stomach tenseyourstomachasifsomeoneweregoingtopunch

it….thenletgo.Hipsandlowerback arch your back and clench your buttock muscles ….

thenletgo.Legs straightenyourlegsandpointyourtoesawayfromyou

….thenletgo….pullyourtoesIfyousenseanyremainingtensioninamuscle,simplytenseitfurther,relaxit,takeadeepbreathandsighasyoubreatheout.

AutogenicRelaxationAutogenic relaxation simply means focusing on two aspects of the relaxationresponse – increased blood flow anddecreasedmuscular tension. It does this byconcentrating on two things that we feel when relaxing: warmth – which is asensation we experience when more blood reaches the extremities, such as thearms, legs,handsand feetandheavinesswhich iswhatwe feelwhen themusclesarerelaxed.Autogenic relaxation does not require you to force anything. Just let yourself go.Becomeawareofhow,whenandwhereyouaretenseandallowthetensiontomeltaway.Letanydistractingthoughtsgothroughandoutofyourmind.Autogenicrelaxationcanbedonelyingdownorsittinginasupportivearmchair.WhattodoWhen you are comfortable, lying or sitting, take a deep, diaphragmatic breath.Exhalegentlyandnoticethatfirstpleasantfeelingofrelaxation.Thereisnoneedtomove during autogenics unless you want to make yourself more comfortable.Simply unwind, allowing yourself to focus on the sensations of relaxation. Thefollowingphraseshelpyoutodo this. Say themtoyourself3 times,pausingaftereachrepetition.Takeyourtime,keepingyourbreathingregular,calmandrelaxed.IamatpeacewithmyselfandfullyrelaxedMyrightarmisheavy(iflefthandedyoumaywanttostartwithyourlefthand)MyleftarmisheavyMyrightlegisheavyMyleftlegisheavyMyneckandshouldersareheavyTakeadeep,fullbreathandunwindevenfurtherMyrightarmiswarmMyleftarmiswarmMyrightlegiswarmMyleftlegiswarmMyneckandshouldersarewarmMyheartbeatiscalmandregularMybreathingiscalmandregularMystomachiswarmandcalmMyforeheadiscoolandcalm

Take some time to enjoy the sensations of relaxation;when you are ready say toyourself-Iamrefreshedandcompletelyalert

RelaxedBreathing

Goodbreathingisessentialtoourgeneralhealthandforreducingstress. Thewaywebreathecanreflecthowstressedweare,inthatwhenweareunderpressureourbreathing becomes rapid and shallow and we tend to use only our upper lungs.Relaxedbreathinginvolvesbreathingslowlyusingthediaphragm.Thediaphragmisthesheetofmusclesbelowourlungs. Thisformofbreathingusesthelowerlungsand can be called stomach breathing. However, if the stomach is tense thediaphragmgets restricted and relaxed breathing becomes difficult. Poor breathingcan thus set up a self-perpetuating cycle. However, by learning and practisingdiaphragmaticbreathingthiscyclecanbebroken.Usingonlytenseupperchestbreathingcancreateseveralundesirablesideeffects:

• Itcausesthebodytoexpeltoomuchcarbondioxide• Theacidityinthebloodbecomestooalkaline• This causes thebloodvessels tonarrowand thecirculationofblood to the

brainisrestricted• Palpitations,dizziness,feelingfaintandchestpainscanbearesult• Panicattacksmayoccur• Panicattacksrestrictbreathingfurtherandcanleadtohyperventilation

DiaphragmaticBreathingDiaphragmatic breathing, together with mental and physical relaxation, has beenfoundtoreducehighbloodpressureandanxietysignificantly.Diaphragmatic breathing counteracts all the unfortunate effects of poor breathingandisoneofthemostusefultoolsinstressmanagement.Diaphragmaticbreathingis completely ‘portable’. You can use itwherever andwhenever you feel stressedand no one will know you are trying to relax as all you are doing is breathingcorrectly

Breathingexercise

• Findaquietwarmplacetositwhereyouwillnotbedisturbedfor10minutesorso.

• Sitonanuprightchairwithyourbackstraight.• Firstbecomeawareofhowyounormallybreathe. Placeonehandonyour

stomach and the other on your chest. Breathe as you usually would andnoticewhich handmoves, this will tell you if you are using your upper orlowerlungs.

• Breatheinandoutthroughyournose.Ifyoucanhearyourbreathingyouarebreathingtooheavily.

• Then concentrate on breathing by using your diaphragm. In other wordsyourstomachshouldbemovingandnotyourupperchest.

• Nowbreathe in throughyournoseandout throughyourmouthslowlyandcalmly.

• Makesureyourbreathingisforwardandbackratherthanupanddown.• Allowapausebeforeyouinhaleandanotherpausebeforeyouexhale.• Silentlysaytheword“relax”or“calm”toyourselfeachtimeyoubreatheout.

DeepDiaphragmaticBreathingPleasenotethatpeoplesufferingfromchronicbreathingproblemssuchasasthma

should only practice the breathing exercise described above and not the deep

diaphragmaticbreathing,asthismayexacerbatetheproblem.Thisisthesameastheexerciseabovebutisevenslowerandlongerandusesthewholelungcapacity.

• Takeadeepslowbreath,fillingyourlungsfromthebottomandcontinuingtothetopofyourupperchesttothecountoffour.

• Holdthebreathforthecountoftwo.• Exhaletothecountofsixwithoutforcinganything,justallowthebreathout

naturally.Thisbreathingshouldonlybedone4-5timesatonetime,butisaveryusefultechniquetousetocalmdownorreducetensionattimesofstress

VISUALISATION

MOUNTAINPATHSettlebackcomfortablyandcloseyoureyes….takeadeepslowbreathandslowlyexhale….repeat this twicemore, as you breathe out – imagine you are breathingawayalltensionandstress….mentallyscanyourbodyfortightnessandtension….andjustletrelaxationreplaceanytensions….allowrelaxationtotakeover.Nowimagineyourselfleavingtheareawhereyoulive….leavethedailyhasslesandthefastpacebehind….imagineyourselfgoingacrossavalleyandmovingcloserandcloser to amountain range…. imagine yourself in themountain range…. you aregoingupawindingroad….findaplaceontheroadtostop….youfindapathtowalkup….startwalkingupthepath….findacomfortableplacetostoponthepath….atthisplacetakesometimetoexamineallthetensionsandstressinyourlife….givethe tensionandstressshapesandcolours…. lookat themverycarefullyandafteryouhavedonethis,putthemdownbythesideofthepath….continuewalkingupthepathuntilyoucometothetopofahill….lookoutoverthehill….whatdoyousee?…. findan inviting,comfortableplaceandgothere….beawareof thesights,smellsandsounds….beawareofhowyouarefeeling….getsettledandgraduallystart to relax …. you are now feeling totally relaxed …. experience being relaxedtotally and completely…. (pause for three to fiveminutes)…. lookaroundat yourspecialplaceoncemore….rememberthis isyourspecialplacetorelax….youcancomehereanytimeyouwantto….bringyourattentionbacktothisroomandtellyourself that this visualisation is something you have created, and you can use itwheneveryouwanttofeelrelaxed.Thisrelaxationisbestspokenwithappropriatesoftmusicplayinginthebackground.

Youmayliketomakeyourownrelaxationtapesandrecordthisforyourself.

ASSERTIVENESS - Harper West · others easily disregard them. • Violating your own rights. • Also sometimes showing a subtle lack of respect for the other person’s ability to

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