Overcoming Anxiety & Depression © Banes Psychological Therapies Service ASSERTIVENESS Workbook
OvercomingAnxiety&Depression
©BanesPsychologicalTherapiesService
ASSERTIVENESSWorkbook
IntroductionYoumaybesurprisedtolearnthatbeingpassiveorgettingaggressive/angryatyourself,others,ortheworldaretwofactorsthatcanmaintainlowmoodoranxiety.Alternatively,youmayhaveincludedthesefactorsonyourownviciouscycles,andwonderedhowyoumightalterthese.TheEffectsofBeingUnassertiveThemaineffectofnotbeingassertiveisthatitcanleadtolowselfesteem.Ifwecommunicateinapassivemannerwearenotsayingwhatwereallyfeelorthink.Thismeanswecanendupagreeingwithandfulfillingotherpeople’sneedsorwantsratherthanourown.Thiscanresultinalackofpurpose,andafeelingofnotbeingincontrolofourownlives.Ifweneverexpressourselvesopenlyandconcealourthoughtsandfeelingsthiscanmakeusfeeltense,stressed,anxiousorresentful.Itcanalsoleadtounhealthyanduncomfortablerelationships.Wewillfeellikethepeopleclosesttousdon’treallyknowus.Ifweconstantlycommunicateinanaggressivemannerwewilleventuallylosefriendsandpeoplewillloserespectforus.Again,thiscanleadtolowselfesteem.Thereisalargeamountofresearchexaminingthenegativeimpactoflackingassertiveness–thatis,beingeitherpassiveoraggressive.Peoplewhoaremoreassertivetendtobelessdepressedandhavebetterhealthoutcomes.WhatisAssertiveness?Assertivenessisacommunicationstyle.Itisbeingabletoexpressyourfeelings,thoughts,beliefs,andopinionsinanopenmannerthatdoesn’tviolatetherightsofothers.Othercommunicationstylesyoumayhaveheardofincludebeingaggressive,whichisastylethatviolatestherightsofothers,andbeingpassivewhereweviolateourownrights.Youhaveprobablyalsoheardofpassive-aggressive.Thisiswheresomeoneisessentiallybeingaggressivebutinapassiveorindirectway.Forexample,someonemaybeangrybuttheydon’tactinanovertlyaggressivewaybyyellingorhitting,insteadtheymaysulkorslamadoor.
PASSIVE:Violatesownrights.Othersneedsgivenpriority.
ASSERTIVE:Respectsbothownneedsandneedsofothers.
AGGRESSIVE:Violatesneedsofothers.Ownneedshave priority.
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Howassertiveareyou?Itcanbedifficulttoknowhowassertiveweare.Insomesituationswemayfeelverycapableofbeingassertivebutinothersituationswemayfindourselvesnotreallyexpressinghowwefeltorthought,andfeelingupsetorfrustratedwithourselves.Thisnextexercisecanhelpyoudeterminehowassertiveyouareandhelpyouworkoutinwhichsituationsyouwouldliketobemoreassertive.Downtheleftsidewehavealistofdifferentsituationsthatrequireassertiveness.Acrossthetoparedifferentgroupsofpeople.Youworkacrosscellbycellandrateeachcombinationofsituationsandgroupsofpeople.Forexample,someonemayfindgivingcomplimentstostrangersrelativelyeasyandratethemselvesat0inthiscell,buthavealotofdifficultygivingcomplimentstoauthorityfiguressuchastheirbossandsoratethiscellat4.Exercise:ratingyourassertivenessindifferentsituationsFillineachcellusingascalefrom0to5.Aratingof“0”meansyoucanassertyourselfwithnoproblem.Aratingof5meansthatyoucannotassertyourselfatallinthissituation. Friends
ofthesamegender
Friendsofdifferentgender
Authorityfigures
Strangers Workcolleagues
Intimaterelationsorspouse
Shopassistants
SayingNo
Givingcompliments
Expressingyouropinion
Askingforhelp
Expressinganger
Expressingaffection
Statingyourrightandneeds
Givingcriticism
Beingcriticised
Startingandkeepingaconversationgoing
Remember–beingassertivedoesnotmeanbeingaggressive!
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RecognisingtheDifferencebetweenPassive,AssertiveandAggressiveCommunicationStyles.Itisimportantthatyoulearnhowtorecognisetheverbalandnon-verbalcharacteristicsofthedifferentcommunicationstyles.Onceweknowthesewewillbeabletorecognisepassive,assertiveoraggressivebehaviourinourselvesandothers.Thefirststeptochangingbehaviourisrecognisingwhichbitsweneedtochange.Itmaybethatyouareabletospeakassertively,i.e.yourverbalskillsareassertive,butyournonverbalcommunicationmaybequitepassiveandcontradictingyourverbalcommunication.Forexample,ifyousay“Idon’tlikeitwhenyoudothat”,whichisanassertivestatement,butyoudoitinaveryquietvoicewithnoeyecontactandshufflingyourfeet,thenyournonverbalbehaviourwillundermineyourverbalandyourmessagewillprobablynotbetakenseriously.
COMMUNICATIONSTYLEPASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ASSERTIVE
DEFINITION •Notexpressinghonestfeelings,thoughtsandbeliefs.Therefore,allowingotherstoviolateyourrights.Canalsomeanexpressingthoughtsandfeelingsinanapologetic,self-effacingway–sothatotherseasilydisregardthem.•Violatingyourownrights.•Alsosometimesshowingasubtlelackofrespectfortheotherperson’sabilitytotakedisappointments,shouldersomeresponsibility,orhandletheirownproblems.
•Youstandupforyourpersonalrightsandexpressyourthoughts,feelingsandbeliefsinawaywhichisusuallyinappropriateandalwaysviolatestherightsoftheotherperson.•Peopleoftenfeeldevastatedbyanencounterwithanaggressiveperson•Superiorityismaintainedbyputtingothersdown.•Whenthreatenedyouattack.
•Awayofcommunicatingourfeelings,thoughts,andbeliefsinanopen,honestmannerwithoutviolatingtherightsofothers.•Itisanalternativetobeingaggressivewhereweabuseotherpeople’srightsandpassivewhereweabuseourownrights.
VERBALCHARACTER-ISTICS
•longramblingsentences•beat-around-the-bush•hesitant,filledwithpauses•frequentthroatclearing•apologiseinappropriatelyinasoftunsteadyvoice•usingphrasessuchas“ifitwouldn’tbetoomuchtrouble...”•fillinwords,e.g.,“maybe”,“er”,“um”,“sortof”•voiceoftendullandmonotonous•tonemaybesing-songorwhining•over-softorover-warm•quietoftendroppingaway•frequentjustifications,e.g.,“Iwouldn’tnormallysayanything”
•Strident,sarcasticorcondescendingvoice•Fluent,fewhesitations•Oftenabrupt,clipped•Oftenfast•Emphasisingblamingwords•Firmvoice•Tonesarcastic,cold,harsh•Voicecanbestrident,oftenshouting,risingatend•Useofthreats,e.g.,“You’dbetterwatchout”or“Ifyoudon’t...”•Putdowns,e.g.,“You’vegottobekidding...”or“Don’tbesostupid”•Evaluativecomments,emphasisingconceptssuchas:should”,“bad”,“ought”•Sexual/racistremarks
•Firm,relaxedvoice•Fluent,fewhesitations•Steadyevenpace•Toneismiddlerange,richandwarm•Sincereandclear•Notover-loudorquiet•Voiceappropriatelyloudforthesituation•“I”statements(“Ilike”,“Iwant”,“Idon’tlike”)thatarebriefandtothepoint•Co-operativephrases,e.g.,“Whatareyourthoughtsonthis”•Emphaticstatementsofinterest,e.g.,“Iwouldliketo”•Distinctionbetweenfactandopinion,e.g.,“Myexperienceisdifferent”
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•apologies,e.g.,“I’mterriblysorrytobotheryou.”•qualifiers,e.g.,“Itsonlymyopinion”or“Imightbewrong”•self-dismissal,e.g.,“It’snotimportant”or“Itdoesn’treallymatter”•selfput-downs,e.g.,“I’museless...hopeless”or“Youknowme...”
•Boastfulness,e.g.,“Ihaven’tgotproblemslikeyours”•Opinionsexpressedasfact,e.g.,“Nobodywanttobehavelikethat”or“That’sauselesswaytodoit”•Threateningquestions,e.g.,“Haven’tyoufinishedthatyet?”or“Whyonearthdidyoudoitlikethat?”
•Suggestionswithout“shoulds”or“oughts”e.g.,“Howabout…”or“Wouldyouliketo…”•Constructivecriticismwithoutblame,e.g.,“Ifeelirritatedwhenyouinterruptme”•Seekingothersopinions,e.g.,“Howdoesthisfitinwithyourideas”•Willingnesstoexploreothersolutions,e.g.,“Howcanwegetaroundthisproblem?”
NON-VERBALCHARACTER-ISTICS
•avertinggaze•lookingdown•posturecanbeslouched•wringinghands•winkingorlaughingwhenexpressinganger•coveringmouthwithhand•crossingarmsforprotection•smilingwhenexpressingangerorbeingcriticised•raisingeyebrowsinanticipation•jawtrembling•lipbiting
•Intrudingintotheotherperson’sspace•Staringtheotherpersonout•Gesturessuchaspointing,fistclenching•Stridingaroundimpatiently•Leaningforwardorover•Crossingarms(unapproachable)•Smilingmaybecomesneering•Scowlingwhenangry•Jawssetfirm
•Receptivelistening•Directeyecontactwithoutstaring•Erect,balanced,openbodystance•Openhandmovements•Smilingwhenpleased•Frowningwhenangry•Featuressteady•Jawrelaxed
THINKINGSTYLE
•“Idon’tcount”•“Myfeelings,needsandthoughtsarelessimportantthanyours”•“Peoplewillthinkbadlyofmeornotlikeme”•“IfIsaynothenImayupsetsomeone,Iwillberesponsibleforupsettingthem”
•“I’llgetyoubeforeyouhaveachanceofgettingme”•“I’moutfornumberone”•“TheworldisabattlegroundandIamouttowin”
•“Iwon’tallowyoutotakeadvantageofmeandIwon’tattackyouforbeingwhoyouare”
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HowtoThinkMoreAssertively Oneofthefactorsthatcanmakeitdifficultforustobeassertiveisourthinking.Weallholdbeliefsaboutourselves,otherpeopleandhowtheworldworks.Usuallythesebeliefscamefromourexperienceintheworldandmadesensetousatthetime.Howevereventhoughwehavemovedonfromtheseexperienceswemaynothaveupdatedourthinking.Forexample,asachildwemayhavebeentaughtbyourfamilythatitisimpolitetoaskforthingsormakedemandswhenotherpeoplearearound.Hence,wemayhavedevelopedabeliefthatitisrudeandselfishtotellothersourneedsanddesires,andthattherightthingtodoistokeepthemtoourselves.Asadultswemaystillhavethisbeliefeventhoughwearenolongerinthesamesituation.Wecontinuetoassumethatthebeliefistruewithoutcheckingitout.Asaresult,wemayneverexpressourneedsanddesireswhichcouldmakeusfeeltense,stressed,anxiousorresentful.Belowarelistedanumberoftypicalunassertivethoughts.Seeifanyofthemapplytoyou.•Ishouldn’tsayhowI’mreallyfeelingorthinkingbecauseIdon’twanttoburdenotherswithmyproblems.•IfIassertmyselfIwillupsettheotherpersonandruinourrelationship•ItwillbeterriblyembarrassingifIsaywhatIthink•Ifsomeonesays“no”tomyrequestitisbecausetheydon’tlikeorloveme•Ishouldn’thavetosaywhatIneedorhowIfeel:peopleclosetomeshouldalreadyknow•Itisuncaring,rudeandselfishtosaywhatyouwant•Ihavenorighttochangemymind;neitherhasanyoneelse•Itwillallworkoutintheend,andanywayit’snotmyfault•Peopleshouldkeeptheirfeelingstothemselves•IfIexpressthatIamfeelinganxiouspeoplewillthinkIamweakandridiculemeortakeadvantageofme.•IfIacceptcomplimentsfromsomeoneitwillmeanIambigheaded. Exercise:identifyyourownunassertivebeliefs/thoughtsTakeaminuteandseeifyoucanidentifyanymoreunassertivebeliefsthatyouhave.___________________________________________________________________
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Changingyourbeliefsandthoughts Identifyingyourunhelpfulbeliefsisthefirststeptowardschangingthem.Infact,forsomepeoplejustrealisingthattheyhavebeenthinkingthiswaycanbeenoughtohelpthemchange,especiallywhentheyrealisetheyhavetherighttochangeandthinkinadifferentway.Therearetwootherwayswecanchangeourunhelpfulthoughts;
i) Challengeourthoughtsii) Setupbehaviourexperiments
i)ChallengingThoughtsUseaThoughtDiary(attachedatthebackofthisworkbook)tochallengeyourthoughts.Notethesituation,theemotion,andthehotthoughts(i.e.thosethoughtsmoststronglyrelatedtoyouremotion),andidentifyanythinkingerrors.Thenusechallengingquestionstoproduceanalternativethought.Youcanusethefollowingquestionstohelpchallengeunassertivethoughts:
ThefollowingisanexampleofanunassertivethoughtthathasbeenchallengedusingaThoughtDiary.
AmIthinkinginapassive,assertiveoraggressiveway?
DidIrespondinapassive,assertiveoraggressiveway?
Whatistheevidenceforthisthought?
Whatistheevidenceagainstthisthought?
HowelsecouldIviewthesituation?
Arethereanyotherinterpretationsofwhathappened?
Whatwouldbeamoreassertivewayofthinkingandresponding?
Situation Emotion Thought(underlinethe‘hotthought’)
ThinkingErrors(AmI
thinkinginapassiveoraggressiveway?)
AlternativeThoughts(usethechallengingquestions)
Iaskedafriendtogoshoppingwithmeandshesaid“no”.
HurtAngry
Sheisselfishforsaying“No”.Maybeshedoesn’tlikemeanymore.
Aggressive-thatIthinksheshoulddowhatIwantherto.
Shehasdonelotsofthingswithmeandformeoverthecourseofourfriendship.Shemaybetired.Shemayhavesomethingelseon.Shehasarighttosaynoandthatdoesn’tmeansheisselfish. Iwillsuggestcatchingupanothertimedoingsomethingthatwebothlike.
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ii)BehaviourExperimentsDoingaThoughtDiarycanhelpuschangeourbeliefsaboutasituation.Thisisespeciallytruewhenwewritethendownandpractiseournewthoughtsoverandoveragain.Sometimeshoweveritishardforustoshiftourbeliefswhenallwearedoingiswritingdownourthoughts.Wemightseethatitmakessenselogicallybutfeelinsidethatnothinghasreallychanged.ThoughtDiariesmayalsobedifficulttousewhenthereisnorealevidencefororagainstaparticularsituation.WhatmaybemoreusefulinthissituationistodoaBehaviouralExperiment.WearestilltryingtochangeourbeliefsbutwhereasaThoughtDiaryhelpsuschangebeliefsbythinkingdifferentlyaboutthebelief,aBehaviouralExperimenthelpsuschangebeliefsbyactuallygivingussomeevidencetosupportanewbelief.Forexample,someonemayhavethebelief:“IfIassertmyselfthenIwillupsettheotherpersonandruinourrelationship”.Thisbeliefhasmeantthatthepersonhasalwaysgonealongwithwhatotherssuggesteventhoughtitmaybethecompleteoppositeofwhattheyreallywanttodo.Theybelieveitsomuchtheyhaveneverconsideredtryingtoassertthemselves.TheyhavecompletedsomeThoughtDiariesandrealisedthattheydon’treallyhaveanyevidencetosupporttheirbelief.However,neitherdotheyhaveanyevidenceagainstitsotheyfeelabitstuck.Theydecidethatonewaytheycanfindoutistodoanexperimentwheretheyactuallytesttheirpredictionthattheotherpersonwillbeupsetandtherelationshipwillberuined.Thiswillbeachallengeandcanbequiteanxietyprovoking.Whendecidingtodoanexperimentitisimportantthatyouplanitcarefullysothattheresultswillbeclear.Alsoyoumayneedtostartwithaneasierexperimentandthenbuilduptomoredifficultsituations.StepOne–IdentifythepredictionThefirststepistoidentifythepredictionthatyouhaveaboutthesituationandhowyouwillknowifithashappened.Thisisanimportantstep,asifyoudon’tmakeitclearhowyouwillknowithashappenedthenyoucaneasilyshiftthegoalpostsaftertheexperiment.StepTwo–IdentifyanyunhelpfulbehavioursYoualsoneedtoidentifyanyunassertiveorunhelpfulbehaviourthatyouwouldnormallydosothatyoucanmakesurethatyoudon’tdotheseduringtheexperiment.Thenyouneedtomakesomemorehelpfulpredictionsaboutwhatmayhappen.StepThree–IdentifyamorerealisticpredictionYoumayhaveproducedthisearlierinyourthoughtdiaryinthealternativethoughtscolumn.
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StepFour–SetuptheexperimentYouthensetuptheexperiment.Thisinvolvesbeingveryclearaboutthestepsyouwilltake.Makeitclearwhen,whereandhowyouwilldotheexperiment.Thisincludesidentifyingsomemorehelpfulbehavioursthatyouwilldoduringtheexperiment.StepFive–CarryouttheexperimentandevaluatetheresultsYouthendotheexperimentandevaluatetheresults.Askyourself:Whathappened?Wereyouroriginalpredictionssupported?Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperiment?Thefollowingexampleisanexperimenttotestthebelief:“IfIassertmyselfthenIwillupsettheotherpersonandruinourrelationship”.StepOne–IdentifythepredictionTheSituation Telling my friend I don’t want to go shopping with her. MyPrediction She will be upset and angry and not want to be my
friend anymore. HowmuchdoIbelieveitwillhappen(0-100%)?
70%
HowwillIknowithashappened?
She will hang up on me and not return my calls or ring me.
StepTwo–IdentifyanyunhelpfulbehavioursWhatunhelpfulbehaviourswouldInormallyengageintocope(eg.avoidance,escape,safetybehaviours)
Make up excuses, pretend to be sick, avoid her until it is too late.
StepThree–IdentifyamorerealisticpredictionMakeamorerealisticprediction(canbefromthoughtdiary)
She has said no to me before and that was fine. She may be disappointed but if she is a good friend she won’t be angry and our relationship will be fine.
StepFour–SetuptheexperimentWhatwillIdodifferentlytotestoutthetwopredictions?
Instead of avoiding her I will ring her today first thing and explain why I don’t want to go shopping at this particular time (i.e. I have a meeting I need to prepare for). I will organise another time to catch up with her.
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StepFive–CarryouttheexperimentandevaluatetheresultsWhatactuallyhappened?
She said it was fine and in fact suited her too. We made a time for a coffee next week.
Howmuchdidmyoriginalpredictioncometrue?(0-100%)
0%
Whichpredictionwassupported?
The more realistic one.
Whatwasitliketobehavedifferently?
Scary, difficult at first, got easier.
Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperiment?
I tend to expect the worse and this has kept me behaving in a passive way. It felt good to be honest and direct. Being assertive doesn’t mean that people will be upset with you and if they are then that is their problem to work on.
Atthebackofthisworkbookisablankexperimentsheetforyoutouse.
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ChangingyourbehaviourThereareanumberoftechniquesthatcanbeusedtohelpyoubecomemoreassertiveinyourbehaviour.We’veidentified6here:
I) BasicAssertion;
II) EmpathicAssertion;
III) ConsequenceAssertion;
IV) DiscrepancyAssertion;
V) NegativeFeelingsAssertion;
VI) BrokenRecord.
Youmayfindthesetechniquesratherstrangeinitially,anditmightbeagoodideatobeginpracticingtheminaneutralsituation,i.e.whereyouremotionsaren’ttoostrong.Thenasyoubecomemoreskilledyoucanbeginusingtheminmoredifficultoremotionalsituations.Remember,aswithanynewskillyoulearn,thefirsttimeyoutrythesetechniquestheymaynotgothewayyouplanned.Itisimportantyoudon’tbeatyourselfupaboutthisbutlookatwhatwentwrongandhowyoumightdoitdifferentlynexttime.Andthenhaveanothergo!Overtimeyouwillfindthattheygeteasier.Warning!Don’tforgettomakesurethatyourverbaltechniquesaresupportedbyyournon-verbalbodylanguage.Makesureyou’renotappearingaggressiveorpassive.
i)BasicAssertionBasicassertioniswhenwemakeastatementthatexpressesclearlyourneeds,wants,beliefs,opinionsorfeelings.Thistypeofassertioncanbeusedeverydaytomakeourneedsknown.Typically,basicassertionuses“I”statements.Examplesofan“I”statementare:•“Ineedtobeawayby5o'clock"•"Ifeelpleasedwiththewaytheissuehasbeenresolved"
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Youcanalsousebasicassertiontogivepraiseorcompliments,informationorfacts,orwhenraisinganissuewithsomeoneforthefirsttime.Forexample:•"Ihaven'tthoughtaboutthatbefore,I'dliketimetothinkaboutyouridea."•“Ithoughtyourpresentationwasreallygood”.•"Thecostwillbe£2,000”.•“Ilikeitwhenyouhelpme”.Itisimportanttoremembertobespecificwhenmakingyourstatement.Decidewhatitisyouwantorfeel,andsaysospecificallyordirectly.Avoidunnecessarypaddingandkeepyourstatementsimpleandbrief.Thisskillwillhelpyoutobeclearaboutwhatexactlyitisyouwanttocommunicate.Basicassertionalsoincludeswhatsomepeoplerefertoastheselfdisclosuretechniquewhichessentiallymeansdisclosingyourfeelingswithasimplestatement.Forexample:•“Ifeelnervous”•“Ifeelguilty”.•“Ifeelangry”Theimmediateeffectoftheselfdisclosureistoreduceyouranxiety,enablingyoutorelaxandtakechargeofyourselfandyourfeelings.Using“I”statementstoexpressyourfeelingsinthiswayalsoshowsyouaretakingresponsibilityforyourownfeelings.ii)EmpathicAssertionEmpathymeansthatwetrytounderstandanotherperson’sfeelings,needsorwants.Sothistypeofassertioncontainsanelementofrecognitionoftheotherperson'sfeelings,needsorwants,aswellasastatementofyourneedsandwants.Thistypeofassertioncanbeusedwhentheotherpersonisinvolvedinasituationthatmaynotfitwithyourneeds,andyouwanttoindicatethatyouareawareofandsensitivetotheirposition.ExamplesofEmpathicassertion:•"Iappreciatethatyoudon'tlikethenewprocedure,however,untilit’schanged,I'dlikeyoutokeepworkingonit."•"Iknowyou'rebusyatthemoment,John,butI'dliketomakearequestofyou."•"Irecognisethatit'sdifficulttobepreciseoncosts,however,Ineedaroughestimate."Empatheticassertionisusefulinholdingyoubackfromover-reactingwithaggressionasitcausesyoutogiveyourselftimetoimaginetheotherperson'spositionandthereforeslowdownyourresponse.Itispossibletoover-usecertainphrasesinempathicassertionanditcanstarttosoundinsincere.Itcanalsobeusedtomaskaggression.Forexample,ifsomeonesays"Iappreciateyourfeelings,but..."thentheempathicstatement“Iappreciateyour
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feelings”isdevaluedbytheword"but"andthephrasebecomesaggressionmaskedasassertion.iii)ConsequenceassertionThisisthestrongestformofassertionandisseenasalastresortbehaviour.Itisusuallyusedinasituationwheresomeonehasnotbeenconsideringtherightsofothersandyouwanttogettheirbehaviourtochangewithoutbecomingaggressiveyourself.Inaworksituationitmaybeusedwhenstandardproceduresorguidelinesarenotbeingfollowed.Whenyouuseconsequenceassertionyouinformtheotherpersonoftheconsequencesforthemofnotchangingtheirbehaviour.Itcaneasilybeseenasthreateningandthereforeaggressive.Onlyusethisformofassertionwhenyouhavesanctionstoapply,andonlywhenyouarepreparedtoapplythem.Asthistypeofassertioncaneasilybeseenasaggressiveyouneedtobeverycarefulofthenon-verbalsignalsyouuse.Keepyourvoicecalmandatanevenpitchandvolume,keepgoodeyecontact,andtryandkeepyourbodyandfacerelaxed.ExamplesofConsequenceassertion:•"Ifyoucontinuetowithholdtheinformation,Iamleftwithnooption,buttobringintheproductiondirector.I'dprefernotto."•"I'mnotprepared,John,toletanyofmystaffcooperatewithyoursontheproject,unlessyougivethemaccesstothesamefacilitiesthatyourpeoplehave."•"Ifthisoccursagain,I'mleftwithnoalternative,buttoapplytheformaldisciplinaryprocedure.I'dprefernotto."iv)DiscrepancyAssertionDiscrepancyassertionworksbypointingoutadiscrepancybetweenwhathaspreviouslybeenagreedandwhatisactuallyhappening.Thisisusefulforclarifyingwhetherthereisamisunderstandingoracontradiction,andwhenaperson’sbehaviourdoesnotmatchtheirwords.ExamplesofDiscrepancyassertion:•"AsIunderstandit,weagreedthatProjectAwastoppriority.Nowyou'reaskingmetogivemoretimetoProjectB.I'dliketoclarifywhichisnowthepriority."•"Paul,ontheonehandyouaresayingthatyouwanttoimprovecooperationbetweenourdepartments,butontheotherhandyoumakestatementsaboutusthatmakeitdifficultforustocooperate.Iagreethatwecanimprovethesituation,soI'dliketotalkaboutthat."v)NegativefeelingsassertionNegativefeelingsassertionisusedwhenyouareexperiencingverynegativefeelingstowardsanotherperson-anger,resentment,hurtandsoon.Inacontrolledandcalmwayyoudrawattentiontotheundesirableaffectanotherperson'sbehaviourishavingonyou.Thisallowsyoutodealwiththefeelingswithoutmakinganuncontrolledoutburst,andalertstheotherpersontotheeffectsoftheiractionsonyou.
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Therearefourstepstonegativefeelingassertion:StepOne-Describetheotherperson’sbehaviourobjectively.Becarefultodothiswithoutinterpretingorjudging.Forexample:‘Whenyouleaveitthislatetoproduceyourreport………’StepTwo-Describetheimpactoftheperson’sbehaviouronyou.Bespecificandclear.Don’tovergeneralise.Forexample:‘...itinvolvesmyworkingovertheweekend...’StepThree-DescribeyourfeelingsMakesureyouusetheword‘I’todescribeyourfeelings,sothatyouaretakingresponsibilityforthese.Forexample‘…..Ifeelannoyedaboutthis…..’StepFour-Statehowyouwouldpreferthebehaviourtobeinthefuture.Thisisessential,itallowsyoutoindicateinaclearandstraightforwardwaywhatactionoroutcomeyouwouldlike.Ifyourneedsarenotknowtheywillnotbetakenintoconsiderationinanynegotiations,aspeoplecannotbeexpectedtoknowwhatyouwantunlessyoutellthem.Forexample‘...soinfutureI'dliketoreceiveitbyFridaylunchtime’vi)BrokenRecordChildrenareexpertsatthebrokenrecordtechnique.Thisskillinvolvespreparingwhatyouaregoingtosayandrepeatingitexactlyasoftenasnecessary,inacalm,relaxedmanner.Thisskillcanapplyinmostsituations.Itisagoodskilltousewhenyouaredealingwithclever,articulatepeople,asallyouhavetodoissticktoyourpreparedlines.Ithelpskeepyourelaxedbecauseyouknowwhatyouaregoingtosayandyoucanmaintainasteadycomment,avoidingirrelevantlogicorargumentativebait.Itisaparticularlygoodtechniquegoodforsayingno.ExampleoftheBrokenRecordtechnique:Kate:CanIborrow£20fromyou?Dave:Ican’tlendyouanymoney.I’verunout.Kate:I’llpayyoubackassoonasIcan.Ineeditdesperately.Youaremyfriendaren’tyou?Dave:Ican’tlendyouanymoney.Kate:Iwoulddothesameforyou.Youwon’tmiss£20.Dave:IamyourfriendbutIcan’tlendyouanymoney.I’verunout.Thisbrokenrecordtechniquecanbecombinedwiththeotherassertivenesstechniquesyouhavelearned.Alwaysbeginwiththemildeststance,gettingmoreandmoreassertiveasyouseefit.Avoidjumpinginfirstwiththeheaviestconsequencesstance;itwillbeathreatandaggressivebehaviour,NOTassertivebehaviour.
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Thefollowingexampleusesalllevelsofassertivenessbeginningwithbasicassertionthenmovingthroughtoempathicassertionandthenconsequenceassertion.Basic•"Iboughtthisclockhereyesterday.Thebuttonformovingthehandsisn'tworkingproperlysoI'dliketoexchangeitplease"Atthispointtheassistantwilleitheragreeor:•"Theclockshouldhavebeencheckedbeforeitlefttheshop"Empathetic•"Irealisethatwouldhavemadethingseasier,however,Iwouldstillliketoreplaceit."Atthispointtheassistantwilleitheragreeor:•"Idon'thavetheauthoritytoexchangethings"Response"Iwouldstilllikeittobereplaced."Afterafewexchangesthelevelcouldberaisedto:Consequence•"Iwouldliketheitemchanged.IfyouarenotpreparedtodothatIwilltakethematterupwithyourHeadOffice.Iwouldprefertoresolveitnow.”Theonesituationinwhichthistechniquecanbeadisadvantageiswhenyouaremakingarequestfromsomeonewhodoesnotwanttodowhatyouareasking.Whentheycontinuetoresist,yourrequestslosepowereverytimeyouhavetorepeatthem.Iftherequestsarerepeatedtoooftenitcanbackfireontheauthorityofyourwords.Inthesecasesitisnecessarytohavesomeconsequencesonhand.Exercise:PracticebeingassertiveandkeepalogAllofthesetechniquesrequirepractice.Startwithbasicassertionandpracticethisforaweekortwobeforeyoubegintryingtheothers.Pickonetechniqueatatimeanduseitwheneverappropriate.Itcanbehelpfultokeepalittlelogbookordiaryofthewaysyouhavebeenabletousetheseassertivetechniques.Thenyoucanseehowoftenyouareusingassertivenessandwhichtechniquesarethemostusefulonesforyou.Wehaveattachedalogatthebackofthisworkbookforyoutouse.
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Saying“No”Manypeoplehavegreatdifficultysaying“No”toothers.Evenpeoplewhoarequiteassertiveinothersituationsmayfindthemselvessaying“Yes”tothingsthattheyreallydon’twanttodo.Forexample,afriendmayaskyoutodosomethingwhichisarealinconvenienceforyouandyousay“Yes”,oryoumayfindyourselfvolunteeringforallsortsofjobstothepointthatyouareover-loaded.Theeffectsofnotbeingabletosay“No”Ifyousay“Yes”whenyoureallymean“No”,resentmentandangercanbuilduptowardsthepersonyouhavesaid“Yes”to,eventhoughtheyhavedonenothingwrong.Youcanalsobecomeincreasinglyfrustratedanddisappointedwithyourself.Andifyouaretakingonmorethatyoucancopewith,youcanbecomeover-workedandhighlystressed.Inthelongtermnotbeingassertiveinthiswaycandecreaseyourselfesteemandleadtodepressionandanxiety.Attheotherendofthespectrumsomepeopleareabletosay“No”butdosoinanaggressivemannerwithoutconsiderationorrespectfortheotherperson.Thismayresultinpeopledislikingyouorbeingangryandresentful.Neitherofthesesituationsisgoodassertivecommunication.Unhelpfulbeliefs:Whyisithardtosay“No”Anyonewhohasspentanytimearoundatoddlerknowsthattheyhavenotroublesaying“No!”Howeveraswegrowolderwelearnfromourenvironmentandourexperiencethatitisnotalwaysappropriatetosay“no”.Wecanendupwithanumberofunhelpfulbeliefsaboutsaying“no”thatmakeitdifficultforustousethisword.Someofthesebeliefsarelistedbelow.Seeifanyapplytoyouorwhetheryouhaveyourownbeliefsaboutsaying“no”.
UNHELPFULBELIEFS
•Saying“no”isrudeandaggressive.
•Saying“no”isunkind,uncaringandselfish.
•Saying“no”willhurtandupsetothersandmakethemfeelrejected.
•IfIsay“no”tosomebodytheywon’tlikemeanymore.
•Others’needsaremoreimportantthanmine.
•Ishouldalwaystryandpleaseothersandbehelpful.
•Saying“no”overlittlethingsissmallmindedandpetty.
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Theunhelpfulthoughtsarenotfacts.Theyarejustthoughtsoropinionsthatwehavelearned.Eachofthemcanbereplacedbyamorehelpfulthoughtoropinionaboutsaying“no”.Belowwehavelistedsomeofthese:
HELPFULTHOUGHTS•OtherpeoplehavetherighttoaskandIhavetherighttorefuse.
•Whenyousay“no”youarerefusingarequest,notrejectingaperson.
•Whenwesay“yes”toonethingweareactuallysaying“no”tosomething
else.Wealwayshaveachoiceandweareconstantlymakingchoices.
•Peoplewhohavedifficultysayingnousuallyoverestimatethedifficultythat
theotherpersonwillhaveinacceptingtherefusal.Wearenottrustingthat
theycancopewithhearing“no”.Byexpressingourfeelingsopenlyand
honestly,itactuallyliberatestheotherpersontoexpresstheirfeelings.By
saying“no”tosomebodyitallowsthemtosay“no”toyourrequestswhile
stillbeingabletoaskforfurtherrequests.
Changingyourbehaviour:HowtoSay“no”.Therearesomebasicprinciplesyoucanapplywhenyouwanttosay“no”.Theseare:1.Bestraightforwardandhonestbutnotrudesothatyoucanmakethepoint
effectively.
2.Asarulekeepitbrief.
3.Tellthepersonifyouarefindingitdifficult
4.Bepolite–saysomethinglike“thankyouforasking...”
5.Speakslowlywithwarmthotherwise“no”maysoundabrupt.
6.Don’tapologiseandgiveelaboratereasonsforsaying“no”.Itisyourrighttosay
noifyoudon’twanttodothings.
7.Rememberthatitisbetterinthelongruntobetruthfulthanbreedresentment
andbitternesswithinyourself.
8.Whensaying“no”takeresponsibilityforit.Don’tblameormakeexcuses.Change
“Ican’t”to“Idon’twantto”.
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Waysofsaying“No”Therearealsoanumberofwaysyoucansay“no”.Someofthesearemoreappropriateinparticularsituations:1.TheDirect‘no”.Whensomeoneasksyoutodosomethingyoudon'twanttodo,justsay'no'.Theaimistosaynowithoutapologising.Theotherpersonhastheproblembutyoudonothavetoallowhimorhertopassitontoyou.Thistechniquecanbequiteforcefulandcanbeeffectivewithsalespeople.2.Thereflecting‘no”.Thistechniqueinvolvesacknowledgingthecontentandfeelingoftherequest,thenaddingyourassertiverefusalattheend.Forexample,“Iknowyouwanttotalktomeaboutorganizingtheannualdepartmentreview,butIcan'tdolunchtoday”.Or“Iknowyou’relookingforwardtoawalkthisafternoonbutIcan’tcome”.3.Thereasoned“no”.Inthistechniqueyougiveaverybriefandgenuinereasonforwhyyouaresaying“No”.Forexample“Ican'thavelunchwithyoubecauseIhaveareportthatneedstobefinishedbytomorrow”.4.Theraincheck“no”.Thisisnotadefinite“no”.Itisawayofsaying“no”totherequestatthepresentmomentbutleavesroomforsaying“Yes”inthefuture.Onlyuseitifyougenuinelywanttomeettherequest.Forexample“Ican'thavelunchwithyoutoday,butIcouldmakeitsometimenextweek”.5.Theenquiring“no”.Aswiththeraincheck“no”thisisnotadefinite“no”.Itisawayofopeninguptherequesttoseeifthereisanotherwayitcouldbemet.Forexample“Isthereanyothertimeyou’dliketogo?”6.Thebrokenrecord“no”.Thiscanbeusedinawiderangeofsituations.Youjustrepeatthesimplestatementofrefusaloverandoveragain.Noexplanation,justrepeatit.Itisparticularlygoodforpersistentrequests.Forexample:Dave:No,Ican'thavelunchwithyou.Kate:Oh,please,itwon'ttakelong.Dave:No,Ican'thavelunchwithyou.Kate:Oh,goon,I'llpay.Dave:No,Ican'thavelunchwithyou.
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RelaxationWhenwearecommunicatinginapassiveoraggressivewayweareoftenfeelinganxiousorangryandthiscanbereflectedinourbodies.Wecanbecometenseinourshoulders,necks,jaworthroughourentirebody.Overtimethistensioncanbuilduptothepointwherewecangetheadaches,backaches,stomachproblems,infactawholerangeofphysicalproblems.Wealsofinditincreasinglydifficulttorelax.Tocommunicateassertivelywemustbeabletocontrolthearousalandtensionthatourbodiesmayfeelwhenweareindifficultsituationsorsituationsinwhichwefeeluncomfortable.Thereareanumberoftechniquesyoucanusetoreducephysicaltension.Someofthesearelistedbelow:•Exercise •Meditation
•Massage •GuidedVisualisation
•ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation •Controlledbreathing
•Yoga •Taichi
Tryoutsomeofthesetechniquesandpickoneortwothatyouparticularlylikeand/orfindusefulwhenyouarefeelingtenseoranxious.Youwillfindsomerelaxationscriptsatthebackofthisworkbook.Rememberlikemostofthetechniquestaughtonthecourse,relaxationtakespractice;sodon’tbetoodespondentifittakesawhilebeforeyounoticeanyeffect!
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Worksheets->
ThoughtDiary
Situation Emotion Thought(underlinethe‘hotthought’)
ThinkingErrors(AmIthinkinginapassiveor
aggressiveway?)
AlternativeThoughts(usethechallengingquestions)
.
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BehaviourExperimentSheetStepOne–IdentifythepredictionTheSituation
MyPrediction
HowmuchdoIbelieveitwillhappen(0-100%)?
HowwillIknowithashappened?
StepTwo–IdentifyanyunhelpfulbehavioursWhatunhelpfulbehaviourswouldInormallyengageintocope(eg.avoidance,escape,safetybehaviours)
StepThree–IdentifyamorerealisticpredictionMakeamorerealisticprediction(canbefromthoughtdiary)
StepFour–SetuptheexperimentWhatwillIdodifferentlytotestoutthetwopredictions?
StepFive–CarryouttheexperimentandevaluatetheresultsWhatactuallyhappened?
Howmuchdidmyoriginalpredictioncometrue?(0-100%)
Whichpredictionwassupported?
Whatwasitliketobehavedifferently?
Whatdidyoulearnfromtheexperiment?
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AssertivenessLogSheetDATE/TIME TECHNIQUEUSED Situationandhow
used
Thingsto
rememberfornext
time
Example:Tuesday10am
Basicassertion
Atwork–complimentedMaryonherreport.
MyvoicewasprobablytoosoftandIdidn’tlookathermuch.Nexttimespeakmoreloudlyandmakegoodeyecontact.
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RELAXATIONEXERCISES
Progressivemusclerelaxation
Progressivemusclerelaxationreducesthepulserateandbloodpressure,aswellasdecreasing respiration rates and psychological tension. We often do not realisewhichofourmusclesarechronicallytense.Progressivemusclerelaxationprovidesaway of identifyingwhichmuscle groups are tense and distinguishing between thesensationofrelaxationasopposedtotension.Procedure It isimportanttorelaxinapositioninwhichyoufeelaslittletensionaspossible.LyingdownItisbestnottolieonsomethingtoosquashy,otherwiseyoumaybetensingmusclesthatyoudonotmeanto.Youmayliketosupportyourneckandkneesforgreatercomfort.Haveyourpalmsdownandyourlegsshouldbeuncrossed.SittingIfsittinginachairyoushouldensurethat:
a) Yousitwellbackinthechairsoyourbackiswellsupportedb) Bothyourfeetareonthegroundc) Yourlegsandanklesareuncrossedd) Yourforearmssupportedbythechairoryourhandsrestingonyourlegs
Fourmajorareasofthebodyarecovered:
1. Hands,forearmsandupperarms2. Head,face,throat,shouldersandneck3. Chest,stomachandback4. Thighs,buttocks,calvesandfeet
Progressivemusclerelaxationcanbepractised lyingdownorsitting inachairwithyour head supported. Each muscle group is tensed up tightly for five to sevensecondsandthenrelaxedfortwentytothirtyseconds.Thisprocedureisrepeatedatleastonceforeachmusclegroup.Anyareathatremainstensecanbetenseduptofivetimes. It ishelpfulto identifythosemusclegroupsthattendtotenseupwhenyougetstressedsothatyoucanpayspecialattentiontothoseareaswhenrelaxing.Tofamiliariseyourselfwiththeprocedureyoumayfindlisteningtoatapehelpful.
Alistofmusclesandhowtotensethem
After tensingandrelaxingeachmuscle, takeadeepdiaphragmaticbreath,meltingawayanyremainingtensionasyoubreatheout.
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Ifyousufferfromneckorbackproblems–omitthoseexercises.Handsandforearmsmakeafist….andthenletgo.Biceps bend your arms at the elbows and try to touch your
wriststoyourshoulders….thenletgo,allowyourarmstoreturntoacomfortablerelaxedposition.
Triceps(backofyourarms) straightenyourarmsashardasyoucan….andthenletgo.
Shoulders shrugthemas if trying tomakethemtouchyourears….andthenletgo.
Neck archyourheadback….turnyourheadtotherightandthentotheleft….thenletgo.
Forehead raiseyoureyebrowsasifsurprised….thenletgo.Browandeyelids squeezeyoureyestightlyshut….thenletgo.Jaw clenchyourteethtogether…thenletgo.Tongueandthroat pushyourtonguehardagainsttheroofofyourmouth
….andletgo.Chest takeareallydeepbreathandholdit….andthenletgo.Stomach tenseyourstomachasifsomeoneweregoingtopunch
it….thenletgo.Hipsandlowerback arch your back and clench your buttock muscles ….
thenletgo.Legs straightenyourlegsandpointyourtoesawayfromyou
….thenletgo….pullyourtoesIfyousenseanyremainingtensioninamuscle,simplytenseitfurther,relaxit,takeadeepbreathandsighasyoubreatheout.
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AutogenicRelaxationAutogenic relaxation simply means focusing on two aspects of the relaxationresponse – increased blood flow anddecreasedmuscular tension. It does this byconcentrating on two things that we feel when relaxing: warmth – which is asensation we experience when more blood reaches the extremities, such as thearms, legs,handsand feetandheavinesswhich iswhatwe feelwhen themusclesarerelaxed.Autogenic relaxation does not require you to force anything. Just let yourself go.Becomeawareofhow,whenandwhereyouaretenseandallowthetensiontomeltaway.Letanydistractingthoughtsgothroughandoutofyourmind.Autogenicrelaxationcanbedonelyingdownorsittinginasupportivearmchair.WhattodoWhen you are comfortable, lying or sitting, take a deep, diaphragmatic breath.Exhalegentlyandnoticethatfirstpleasantfeelingofrelaxation.Thereisnoneedtomove during autogenics unless you want to make yourself more comfortable.Simply unwind, allowing yourself to focus on the sensations of relaxation. Thefollowingphraseshelpyoutodo this. Say themtoyourself3 times,pausingaftereachrepetition.Takeyourtime,keepingyourbreathingregular,calmandrelaxed.IamatpeacewithmyselfandfullyrelaxedMyrightarmisheavy(iflefthandedyoumaywanttostartwithyourlefthand)MyleftarmisheavyMyrightlegisheavyMyleftlegisheavyMyneckandshouldersareheavyTakeadeep,fullbreathandunwindevenfurtherMyrightarmiswarmMyleftarmiswarmMyrightlegiswarmMyleftlegiswarmMyneckandshouldersarewarmMyheartbeatiscalmandregularMybreathingiscalmandregularMystomachiswarmandcalmMyforeheadiscoolandcalm
Take some time to enjoy the sensations of relaxation;when you are ready say toyourself-Iamrefreshedandcompletelyalert
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RelaxedBreathing
Goodbreathingisessentialtoourgeneralhealthandforreducingstress. Thewaywebreathecanreflecthowstressedweare,inthatwhenweareunderpressureourbreathing becomes rapid and shallow and we tend to use only our upper lungs.Relaxedbreathinginvolvesbreathingslowlyusingthediaphragm.Thediaphragmisthesheetofmusclesbelowourlungs. Thisformofbreathingusesthelowerlungsand can be called stomach breathing. However, if the stomach is tense thediaphragmgets restricted and relaxed breathing becomes difficult. Poor breathingcan thus set up a self-perpetuating cycle. However, by learning and practisingdiaphragmaticbreathingthiscyclecanbebroken.Usingonlytenseupperchestbreathingcancreateseveralundesirablesideeffects:
• Itcausesthebodytoexpeltoomuchcarbondioxide• Theacidityinthebloodbecomestooalkaline• This causes thebloodvessels tonarrowand thecirculationofblood to the
brainisrestricted• Palpitations,dizziness,feelingfaintandchestpainscanbearesult• Panicattacksmayoccur• Panicattacksrestrictbreathingfurtherandcanleadtohyperventilation
DiaphragmaticBreathingDiaphragmatic breathing, together with mental and physical relaxation, has beenfoundtoreducehighbloodpressureandanxietysignificantly.Diaphragmatic breathing counteracts all the unfortunate effects of poor breathingandisoneofthemostusefultoolsinstressmanagement.Diaphragmaticbreathingis completely ‘portable’. You can use itwherever andwhenever you feel stressedand no one will know you are trying to relax as all you are doing is breathingcorrectly
Breathingexercise
• Findaquietwarmplacetositwhereyouwillnotbedisturbedfor10minutesorso.
• Sitonanuprightchairwithyourbackstraight.• Firstbecomeawareofhowyounormallybreathe. Placeonehandonyour
stomach and the other on your chest. Breathe as you usually would andnoticewhich handmoves, this will tell you if you are using your upper orlowerlungs.
• Breatheinandoutthroughyournose.Ifyoucanhearyourbreathingyouarebreathingtooheavily.
• Then concentrate on breathing by using your diaphragm. In other wordsyourstomachshouldbemovingandnotyourupperchest.
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• Nowbreathe in throughyournoseandout throughyourmouthslowlyandcalmly.
• Makesureyourbreathingisforwardandbackratherthanupanddown.• Allowapausebeforeyouinhaleandanotherpausebeforeyouexhale.• Silentlysaytheword“relax”or“calm”toyourselfeachtimeyoubreatheout.
DeepDiaphragmaticBreathingPleasenotethatpeoplesufferingfromchronicbreathingproblemssuchasasthma
should only practice the breathing exercise described above and not the deep
diaphragmaticbreathing,asthismayexacerbatetheproblem.Thisisthesameastheexerciseabovebutisevenslowerandlongerandusesthewholelungcapacity.
• Takeadeepslowbreath,fillingyourlungsfromthebottomandcontinuingtothetopofyourupperchesttothecountoffour.
• Holdthebreathforthecountoftwo.• Exhaletothecountofsixwithoutforcinganything,justallowthebreathout
naturally.Thisbreathingshouldonlybedone4-5timesatonetime,butisaveryusefultechniquetousetocalmdownorreducetensionattimesofstress
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VISUALISATION
MOUNTAINPATHSettlebackcomfortablyandcloseyoureyes….takeadeepslowbreathandslowlyexhale….repeat this twicemore, as you breathe out – imagine you are breathingawayalltensionandstress….mentallyscanyourbodyfortightnessandtension….andjustletrelaxationreplaceanytensions….allowrelaxationtotakeover.Nowimagineyourselfleavingtheareawhereyoulive….leavethedailyhasslesandthefastpacebehind….imagineyourselfgoingacrossavalleyandmovingcloserandcloser to amountain range…. imagine yourself in themountain range…. you aregoingupawindingroad….findaplaceontheroadtostop….youfindapathtowalkup….startwalkingupthepath….findacomfortableplacetostoponthepath….atthisplacetakesometimetoexamineallthetensionsandstressinyourlife….givethe tensionandstressshapesandcolours…. lookat themverycarefullyandafteryouhavedonethis,putthemdownbythesideofthepath….continuewalkingupthepathuntilyoucometothetopofahill….lookoutoverthehill….whatdoyousee?…. findan inviting,comfortableplaceandgothere….beawareof thesights,smellsandsounds….beawareofhowyouarefeeling….getsettledandgraduallystart to relax …. you are now feeling totally relaxed …. experience being relaxedtotally and completely…. (pause for three to fiveminutes)…. lookaroundat yourspecialplaceoncemore….rememberthis isyourspecialplacetorelax….youcancomehereanytimeyouwantto….bringyourattentionbacktothisroomandtellyourself that this visualisation is something you have created, and you can use itwheneveryouwanttofeelrelaxed.Thisrelaxationisbestspokenwithappropriatesoftmusicplayinginthebackground.
Youmayliketomakeyourownrelaxationtapesandrecordthisforyourself.