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CONTENT!

TV’SBUSTIESTBABESPLUS! ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC! GENNADY GOLOVKIN! & LOADS MORE!

BRITAIN’S ONLY MEN’S WEEKLY! CHANELLE HAYES PRESENTS...

WHO IS THE PREM’S

HARDEST MANAGER?

CHANELLE HAYES PRESENTS...

TV’S BUSTIEST

BABES

RITA ORATHE VOICE

CARLY BAKERCORAL ADVERT

KALEY CUOCOBIG BANG THEORY

LOUISE HAZELTHE JUMP

CASEY BATCHELOR’S SAUCY NEW PICS!

AMAZING NEW SHOOT!

www.ZOOToday.com Issue 566

N e w F o r d F o c u s R S !

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C a s e y B a t c h e l o r s i z z l e s

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T h e w o r l d ’s s t r a n g e s t

c e l e b r i t y t a t t s !

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J a m e s B o n d r e t u r n s i n S P E C T R E !

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T h e w e i r d w o r l d o f Z l a t a n

I b r a h i m o v i c !

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B e t t e r C a l l S a u l ’s B o b O d e n k i r k !

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BRITISH WORLD TITLE CHALLENGERS

SPECIAL

A r t h u r A b r a h a m v s P a u l S m i t h !

M a r t i n M u r r a y v s G e n n a d y

G o l o v k i n !

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WHAT’S INSIDE

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London NW1 7DTPhone 020 7241 8000

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TV’SSEXIEST BABES!

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C h a n e l l e H a y e s P r e s e n t s … T V ’ s S ex i e s t B a b e s !

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ZOO Hates● Sony rebooting

Spider-Man… yet again!

● Flu-mageddon sweeping the ZOO office

● Kayne West’s Grammy antics redux

ZOO Mates● TOWIE totty back

on our screens!● LVG – we all love a good

“long ball” diagram● Gervinho’s

AFCON memes● 50 Shades Of Buscemi

(see it at ZOOToday.com!)

IN ZOO THIS WEEK!UPFRONT 4 “I always end up in bed with

Vicky Pattison!” Booby brunette Casey Batchelor sizzles in Spain8 James Bond: SPECTRE First look

at 007’s 24th outing!10 Better Call Saul ZOO meets the star of TV’s hottest show12 W.T.F! Beefed-up bull14 The David Haye Column16 Motors Ford Focus RS20 Your Shout!22 Get Fact24 Jokes26 Reviews Films, games & music30 TV Essentials

FEATURES48 Tatt’s odd The world’s weirdest celebrity-celebrating ink50 Memory cops Inside the world of the police’s super recognisers

SPORT52 Zlatan Ibrahimovic Football’s most arrogant man?54 Big fight special! St Helen’s hitman Martin Murray takes on Gennady “Triple G” Golovkin56 “The Germans won’t rob me again!” Paul Smith discusses his second shot at Arthur Abraham58 Rock hard The Premier League’s toughest boss – revealed!60 Lip Reading61 Quiz & Fanzone

GIRLS32 Chanelle Hayes Presents... The Sexiest Babes On TV!66 #ZOOTwitties

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Waited impatiently for our copy of Game Of Thrones Season Four to thaw out. If only we’d had a fire-breathing dragon on hand to help out…

WHAT WE’VE BEEN UP TO!

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Failed to convince Liverpool to sign us while at the launch of their partnership with Nivea Men at Anfield. Boo!


CASEY BATCHELOR

Incredible booby brunette Casey Batchelor sizzles in Spain and tel ls ZOO al l about her naughty nights with a certain Geordie hott ie . . .



W e’re massive fans of Casey Batchelor in

the ZOO office and here you can see why.

Even when the girl is on holiday she looks an absolute knockout. Kicking back in Tenerife, our Casey lights up a dreary day poolside with this sexy pink number. We can well imagine – just out of view – a dozen blokes desperately sucking their beer bellies in and trying not to stare too much.

Casey was snapped out in the sun during a break with her new party pal Vicky Pattison. While fresh-faced Casey sunned herself by the pool, she admitted that most of the holiday had been spent between the sheets


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with her Geordie Shore bezzie. Casey told ZOO, “We went on a romantic weekend away together! After big nights out we crash into the same bed and spoon. It’s just spooning though, nothing else!”

Casey says her and Vicky keep being asked if they are the British man’s new fantasy couple. “We keep getting seen together and a lot of boys are asking if we are an item, but we aren’t. Not yet, anyway! We’ve had a few drunken kisses on the lips, but we definitely aren’t dating.”

Thankfully, this doesn’t mean Casey has given up on blokes just yet. “We’re on a manhunt, but we can’t seem to find anyone, so we end up in bed together at the end of each night!”

We can only hope they keep looking…

N O W T U R N T O P 3 2 F O R M O R E B U S T Y T V B A B E S !

S P E C T R E F I R S T L O O K

S P E C T R E i s o u t

6 N o v e m b e r !


We’ve snuck behind enemy lines and covertly grabbed the first picturesof 007 filming his explosive next mission. And the signs look very good...

Bond 24breaks cover!

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W hen production on SPECTRE began, it was

rumoured to be working with an even bigger budget than Skyfall’s massive £200m. And what you’re seeing here is not only the first look at Bond’s highly anticipated 24th outing, but also a sneak peek into how some of those millions are being spent with jaw-dropping Hollywood stunts.

There are incredible snowy alpine backdrops, plenty of flaming overturned vehicles and the makings of a James Bond-worthy action scene that SPECTRE’s production team is already calling “a jewel in the crown” of the movie.

But if these brilliant behind the scenes snaps aren’t enough for you, then we’d suggest you boot up your PC and get a more detailed look at the first footage from the film on ZOOToday.com.

Chances are you’ll have the same reaction as team ZOO: pouring yourself a vodka Martini and hastily booking time off for when the film is out in November!

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1. SNEAKY POSTERS!It might look like an inconspicuous bullet hole, but take a closer peek and you’ll notice a clever nod to the octopus-shaped logo of crime and terrorism organisation, “SPECTRE”. It’s the first outing for the long-standing bad guys since 1983’s Never Say Never Again.

2. MR WHITE RETURNS!He’s not on the main cast list, but Jesper Christensen let slip to a Danish mag that he’s reprising his role for SPECTRE. Maybe Bond will finally avenge the death of the woman he loved, Vesper Lynd. Or maybe, there’s more to Quantum than it seems…

Lay off! I only fluffed two l ines

this time!

S e e m o r e S P E C T R E o n Z O O To d a y. c o m !

Turns out the après-ski was pretty

wild last night


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3. STOLEN BOND CARS!According to recent press reports, nine luxury cars worth an estimated £630,000 due to appear in SPECTRE have already been stolen. They were customised too, so watch out for anyone riding around Dusseldorf in a Land Rover whose headlights turn into mini-guns at the push of a button…

5. CHRISTOPH WALTZ SANS HAIR?Supposedly Waltz is playing someone called Oberhauser, but that’s possibly a ruse. It’s more likely the actor will be pulling strings as SPECTRE’s villainous mastermind Blofeld. AKA, that classic bad guy famed for always having no hair and a big white cat on his lap – who isn’t Dr Evil.

4. VODKA MARTINI: IT’S BACK ON THE MENU!Bond fanatics were shaken (not stirred) when they saw 007 sipping Heineken in Skyfall. Thankfully, Bond’s preferred drink returns with Belvedere vodka ensuring the secret agent will get his favourite tipple.

C A M E O S A P L E N T Y !


HI, BOB! TELL US WHAT PEOPLE CAN EXPECT FROM THIS INCREDIBLE BREAKING BAD SPIN-OFF?First off it’s very unique, and unlike Breaking Bad there’s a lot of comedy to it. I think it’s also a bit faster, too; maybe not in the first episode – that’s a slow burner – but it definitely gets cooking pretty quick after that. SAUL ONCE SAID: “I CAUGHT MY SECOND WIFE SCREWING MY STEPDAD. IT’S A CRUEL WORLD!” BECAUSE WE’RE IN PREQUEL TERRITORY, ARE WE GOING TO SEE LOADS OF NODS TO BREAKING BAD?Let’s just say that Vince Gilligan (Breaking Bad’s creator) doesn’t leave loose ends. So we might get to see that scene you mention and many other weird things I’ve talked about while playing Saul in the past.SO WILL PEOPLE NEED TO HAVE FINISHED BREAKING BAD TO FULLY APPRECIATE IT?Not at all. You definitely

don’t need to have seen or finished Breaking Bad to enjoy the show. However, if you have watched it, you’re guaranteed to notice loads of little connected strands and Easter eggs now and again, which is really interesting.HOW WAS IT RETURNING TO THE NOT-SO PICTURESQUE PARADISE THAT IS ALBUQUERQUE?It’s an absolute nightmare to film because you’re basically trying to work in the middle of a massive sandstorm. I’ll be trying to film scenes and I’m just eating sand all the time. SPEAKING OF TOUGH FILMING, HAS IT GOT ANY EASIER FOR YOU NOW YOU’RE THE STAR OF THE SHOW, OR IS SAUL STILL A BIT OF A PUNCHBAG?It definitely hasn’t got any easier. They had me on my knees in the desert for two whole days while we filmed the second episode. I get thrown about a lot, I even chipped a tooth!THAT SOUNDS PUNISHING!

It was cool though, because if I was going to commit to this, I wanted them to put me through my paces. I told Vince to kick the sh*t out of me for the good of the show.WILL WE GET TO SEE ANY CRACKING CAMEOS AT ANY POINT?I can’t promise anything just yet because I would spoiling

my own show. But Mike Ehrmantraut is very prominent, and we could meet Hank at some stage because you can see in Breaking Bad that him and Saul have already had history. WHAT ABOUT WALTER

WHITE OR JESSE? COULD THEY MAKE AN APPEARANCE ANY TIME SOON?

There’s a possibility we

could meet them at some stage but I can’t promise anything really. Vince does know where he’s going to use those guys or have them appear that’s for sure. He just doesn’t want to say it yet.WHAT ABOUT HUELL? SURELY HE’S GOT TO RETURN?Please, for the love of God,

let Huell return. I want everyone who cares about the show to write a letter to Sony asking them “Where is Huell?” It’s going to be the top of my wish list for season 2. In fact, Huell deserves his own spin off. I’d definitely watch it!

“I asked them to kickthe sh*t out of me!”ZOO catches up with Bob Odenkirk to discuss TV’s sleaziest lawyer, f i lming in the desert and the possibi l i ty of Walter White making a cameo!

S A U L G O O D M A N TA L K S T O Z O O !

“I want Huell to get his own spin-off show!”

Better Call Saul is on Netflix now with new episodes every week

IS YOUR PICK NOT HERE? JOIN THE DEBATE NOW!

ZOOTODAY.COM/COOLESTMAN

See your friends more. Join Men United and do something great together to help beat prostate cancer. Search Men United and help keep friendships alive. To get involved, visit prostatecanceruk.org/menunited

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H AV E Y O U V O T E D Y E T ?

AP McCoy The 19-time Champion Jockey announced last week that he’ll retire at the end of the season. Still, he’d rather bag a coolest man trophy rather than another championship, right?

Jack O’Connell Derby-to-Hollywood superstar Jack O’Connell recently bagged himself a BAFTA trophy after winning the Rising Star award. There’s still space on his shelf for ZOO’s Coolest Man award.

Billy Vunipola Nobody gave England a chance of beating Wales in their opening Six Nations encounter. But this back row lynchpin helped secure the match. And a Coolest Man award, too?

B E T T E R C A L L S A U L I S

O N N E T F L I X N O W !11 W W W. Z OO T ODAY.COM

The winner of ZOO’s Coolest Man of 2015 is upon us, but there’s still time for these blokes to impress you with their recent exploits


I t ’s the biggest load of bul l we’ve ever seen…

Beefcake!

Don’t panic. You’re not hallucinating, and your eyes aren’t deceiving you: this “bodybuilder bull” genuinely is this massive!

But while some sections of the web first believed it was the result of some crazy experiment gone wrong, it’s more likely these udderly ridiculous animals are members of the rare Belgian Blue breed, which are occasionally born with a genetic mutation known as “double-muscling”.

Whatever the explanation, we won’t be entering that field. The steaks are too high.

Moo-ve over, Arnie!

WE WANT YOU TO SIGN FOR MEN UNITED.

Prostate Cancer UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1005541) and in Scotland (SC039332). Registered company number 2653887. 30

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Men United v Prostate CancerWe can win thisprostatecanceruk.org/football

Search Men United now

THE

David Haye is pulling no punches – only in ZOO

EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS FOR DAVID TO [email protected] W W W. Z OO T ODAY.COM

Premier League billionaires T

he new Premier League TV deal is crazy! I had to rub my eyes when

I saw it – £5.136bn for just three years? The deal is worth

£5k per minute for every player: that’s Monopoly money.

It’s fantastic the Premier League as a product can rake in that much cash, but a lot

more needs to be done to reinvest that windfall back into the game.

If the Premier League pulls in more than double the TV money of the other top European leagues, why are England still so far away from the likes of Germany and Spain in international football? I’m sure this problem can be addressed by throwing a good

chunk of that extra dough at developing homegrown players, rather than breaking transfer records for the next big-name foreign star.

Clubs should also give back to the fans by capping ticket prices. It would be criminal if they continue to price the common man out, while making astronomical amounts from TV rights.

E XC L U S I V E T O Z O O !

Email: [email protected]

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We all know Kanye West is opinionated, but storming the stage at an awards show is old hat. He needs a new party trick.

Gatecrashing Beck’s Album Of The Year award at the Grammys has nothing to do with artistry. It’s his opinion and what he can’t comprehend is that it’s not worth any more than any other musician or fan out there.

Kane for EnglandHarry Kane can’t stop scoring at the moment and I’m all for this clamour for him to be in the England squad. A lot of people would have laughed off Danny Murphy’s calls to build the national team around him, but it’s not like we’re overstocked with natural goalscorers at the minute, is it?

If he can carry his form up to international level, then he’s as good as anyone we’ve got.

Last week was the 25th anniversary of one of the biggest upsets in sporting history when James Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson in Tokyo. I was nine years old, and I remember finding out at school Iron Mike had been knocked out by some

bloke I’d never heard of! I couldn’t believe it. Douglas was

KO’d by Evander Holyfield in his next fight, and I think he would’ve beaten Tyson then as well. Holyfield told me they sparred as amateurs and Tyson could never get to grips with him.

Do you think Nigel Pearson could look after himself in a boxing ring?JOE STAFFORD, BirminghamNigel Pearson does look like a hard man. I’d buy a ticket to see a white-collar boxing tournament between all the tough managers – they’d raise a load for charity. Someone get it made!

Busted by the weatherA funny story I saw was some wannabe Walter White characters who were busted in Holland after police noticed snow on the roof had melted much quicker than anywhere else on the street.

Their raid discovered a cannabis farm in full operation. You really weren’t meant to get away with it if you’re caught out by the elements.

IN NEED OF A HAYEMAKER THIS WEEK… KANYE WEST

ASK DAVID!

The knockout that shocked the world


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KICKING RS!

F ive long years have passed since the RS badge last graced a fast

Ford, but it’s finally back. And this time, a certain Ken Block’s fingerprints are all over it.

Based on the current generation Focus, the RS model gets “well in excess” of 318bhp from the same 2.3-litre EcoBoost engine found in the European Mustang (also destined for these shores in the coming months).

Power is shoved to all four wheels, which is said to improve grip and let hot hatch nutcases pull-off “controlled oversteer drifts” on the track. Not our words, but those of the world-renowned rally driver, who was drafted in to ensure

The Ford Focus RS is back and i t ’s sleeker, faster and more mental than ever!

the Focus RS was bonkers.

Outside, there’s a ton of aerodynamic additions, including a fixed rear spoiler, lower skirts, front splitter and a large rear diffuser. The suspension is lower and stiffer than the current Focus ST, while customers will get a load of kit as standard when it hits forecourts sometime next year, including bi-xenon HID headlamps and the latest edition of Ford’s sweet Sync infotainment system.

Official pricing and performance figures will be revealed at this year’s Geneva Motor Show but it will likely cost under £30,000 and be bloody quick.

KEN BLOCK PIMPS

THE NEW FOCUS RS!

H O LY C O C K P I TB AT M A N !


HI, KEN. WHAT SORT OF INPUT DID YOU HAVE ON THIS PROJECT?I’ve really pushed for an all-wheel-drive car from Ford for some time and I’m happy they’ve finally done it. I was also partly responsible for the controlled drifting thing.WE THOUGHT SO, BUT HOW WILL IT BENEFIT US NORMAL FOLK?The new Focus RS has got great traction on a

twisty road. Its torque vectoring system puts just enough power to the right wheels, meaning you’re always in control. In this car, you can brake, turn in and accelerate through a corner so smoothly – it’s perfectly set-up to enjoy your favourite road. You can even get the car to slide around when you drive it aggressively. ANY PLANS TO HAVE

YOUR VERY OWN “HOONIGAN” VARIANT?Of course, I really enjoy driving the car. I like the looks and I will definitely have one as a daily driver. We’ll probably make a version or two with a bit more horsepower for a bit more fun. WILL WE SEE IT IN AN UPCOMING GYMKHANA VIDEO?Watch this space, man!

ZOO TALKS TO KEN BLOCK

T H E U LT I M AT E H O T H AT C H R E T U R N S !

FAST FORD TIMELINE

Escort RS1600 is the original fast Ford with a whopping 120bhp

1970

This 1984 Ford RS200 becomes a Group B rally car icon

1984

Sierra RS Cosworth sums up the ’80s penchant for sporting automotive excess

1985

Escort RS Cosworth hits roads with an enormous rear wing

1994

First Ford Focus RS drops and its perfomance stats make it a belter

2002

I t’s the hilarious, classic new bromance with a twist. Friendless groom-to-be Doug (Josh Gad) enlists the help Jimmy

Callahan (Kevin Hart) – owner of Best Man Inc – to find him some friends in time for the big day. Cue 90 minutes of japes, scrapes and the beginning of a blossoming friendship between two unlikely lads, culminating in a laugh-out-loud finale.

When we spoke to Kevin Hart, he had a lot to say about electing the dream best man. “There’s a science to it. I wouldn’t want just anyone to do it. Pick wrong, and you’ve got some drunken friend revealing the darker elements of your past to your in-laws – and nobody wants that!

“Pick too dull, and your party is asleep. I’m opting for the cute option, the option no one can criticise too severely: my eight-year-old son will be my best man!”

Of course, you’ve got to get the girl of your dreams first, and Hart offered us some help on that score, too. “Laughter is the way to a woman’s heart: funny is the new sexy! Do you really think my fiancée would have said yes based on my looks? Forget looks – be funny!”

To celebrate the release of The Wedding Ringer, we called on you to send us your very own bromances – and the results are in! Big congrats to Ben Woodcock for his story of friendship beyond the call of duty.

Enjoy your day of bromance-filled fun!

The Wedding Ringer presents... Britain’s Best Bromance!After scouring the entire nation, ZOO can reveal we’ve f inal ly found the best bromance Britain has to offer. . .

D o u g H a r r i s : f r i e n d l e s s

IN CINEMAS

20 FEBRUARY

J i m m y C a l l a h a n : h i r e d h e l p

FACEBOOK.COM/WEDDINGRINGERUK @SONYPICTURESUK #WEDDINGRINGER

OUR WINNERS!

BEN’S BROMANCE STORY...“When I started uni, I wasn’t the seasoned drinker I am now. I shared a flat with five girls and only one guy, Ash. We’d always go out together, especially on sports socials dressed in the most ridiculous outfits. One time, we were on a football social and I had way too many shots. I fell and poured a whole pint down some huge bloke who was more than ready for a scrap: he even started squaring up to me! All of a sudden I see Ash, dressed in a chicken suit shouting at the top of his voice as a distraction! Ash and I managed to peg it, and he ended up lending me his last fiver – to buy a chicken burger!”

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ZOO PROMOTIONTHE WEDDING RINGER

B e n & A s h :

b r o m a n c e

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“Forget looks – funny is the new sexy!”


��ĖŶē LETTERS!ŶēŶ��ĖŶēŶLIKES!ŶēŶ��ĖŶēŶSPA

Become a ZOO legend by sending in your best pics and general madness!

Crazy collectionThought I’d share my ZOO collection with you guys. Here’s my dad standing in front to show the sheer scale!

BARRY L, via email Wow, we doff our hats. Glad to see you flaunting the brand so impressively. You’ve bagged a PlayStation 4 and a copy of The Order: 1886. Congrats!

SHOUT OFTHE WEEK!

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*Each week we select any number of photos/jokes from the entries we receive for publication in ZOO, and select one photo/joke as the “Shout/Joke Of The Week”, which will win that week’s prize. The Competition is ongoing and your photo/joke may be selected for publication or as a prize-winning entry in any week during the Competition. Only winning submissions will receive a prize – no other publication fee is payable. All prizes must be claimed within six weeks of publication (after which time prizes will be passed on to the runner-up). Entry is free, although your standard network rate will apply for text entries. You should always get the permission of the person who pays the bills before entering. This is not a subscription service. For Your Shout/Jokes the prize will vary each week during the competition. Full terms and conditions for all competitions featured in the magazine can be found on our website at www.zootoday.com/legal/agb. 21 W W W. Z OO T ODAY.COM

AM!ŶēŶ��ĖŶē PRIZES!ŶēŶ��ĖŶēŶFAILS & WINS!

Shout Of The Week wins a PlayStation®4 and a copy of Neo-Victorian shooter, The Order: 1886™, out 20 February

JUAN MATA Valencia

DAN SELSBY Bognor Regis

Juan Mata

Sent in by

Craig Bourton

What’s in Pat’s sack?Postman Pat’s been earning some extra dough on the side… MARK O, via email This brings a whole new meaning to Pat’s package.

Knockers shop Not much use on the slopes of Val d’Isere, but I can see their appeal for après-ski. M MORRIS, via email It’d give us an extra incentive to whizz down the slopes at top speed!

Plane stupidGot a bit overexcited with my electric planer. I didn’t want a whole thumb, anyway… TONY, via email Thumbs down, Tony.

Catching the red eyeMy eye had to be cut open and stitched back together after my retina tore away from the pupil. Can you spot the stitches? DAN WESTWELL, via emailAmong all the veins, we can just make them out, Dan. Cheers.

My dog Kaseo loves to help out with the decking! DAVE, via emailHe’s like a walking toolbox!

Lost in translation Was on holiday when I saw this, the missus wasn’t impressed! CORY WIGGINS, via email They’ve taken the Halfords slogan of “we go the extra mile” and run with it…

SAUSAGES!

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As a privilege of being James Bond, Daniel Craig can keep any Aston Martin from the factory for the rest of his life

Initially, rugby balls were more plum-shaped as they were made from pigs’ bladders. It also meant they were different sizes depending on the pig

The dinosaur noises in Jurassic Park were made using recordings of tortoises having sex

During World War II, British submarine HMS Trident kept a fully grown reindeer on-board for six weeks

To drive fast enough to make your number plate invisible to speed cameras, you would need to be doing 119,000,000mph

Carlsberg Special Brew was originally created in honour of ex-PM Winston Churchill

The eyes of a giant squid are the size of basketballs

A group of hackers once took down Papa John’s website because their pizza was late

Scotland have lost their opening Six Nations match for nine years in a row

Manchester City didn’t win a game while Yaya Toure was playing at the 2015 Africa Cup Of Nations

75,000K i l o g r a m s o f p o p c o r n s t o c k e d b y O d e o n

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F i f t y S h a d e s O f G r e y

P a i r s o f A i r J o r d a n s s o l d b y a c o l l e c t o r l a s t w e e k – e a r n i n g

h i m s e l f £ 1 0 5 , 0 0 0

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B a t t l e f i e l d H a r d l i n e B e t a l a s t w e e k

1. Whales get tan lines

2. The Royal Navy blasts out Vengaboys’ Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!! to scare Somali pirates

3. Lenin owned nine Rolls-Royces

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ZOOTODAY.COM/STAGDO

G o - k a r t i n g i n M a r b e l l a !

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Q u a d b i k i n g i n N o t t i n g h a m !

H i t t i n g c a s i n o s i n N e w c a s t l e !

Yo u wa n t i t ? Z O O S t a g D o s d o e s i t…

W hether it’s your mate’s stag do or your own, or you

and the boys just want a top lads’ holiday somewhere new, ZOO Stag Dos is your only destination.

We’ve got all the best cities across Europe covered, plus the hottest new clubs, top activities and VIP bars ready to make your weekend an unforgettable* one – all at a price that suits you.

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and bookings – so you won’t have to worry about sorting out the paintballing with a banging hangover. What’s more, we’ll also fix you up with your own customised ZOO Stag Dos T-shirts, a bottle of Jägermeister and six free digital copies of your favourite men’s weekly.

So what are you waiting for? Book yourself onto a ZOO Stag Dos trip today.

Go to zootoday.com/stagdo and let the mayhem commence.

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EMAIL [email protected] TXT 07786202210* TWITTER @ZOO FACEBOOK FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE


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Fine diningI’m so posh, I dined on frog legs this evening.

Well, I bit some Freddos in half…WAYNE HUNT, via text

CrimestopperI saw a sign yesterday that said “Have you seen this man?” with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call.

I was so bored, I rung them up and said, “No, I haven’t.”LENNY, Wiltshire

Time outI got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.BRENDAN, Belfast

Not so sweetMy dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

Nice man. Used to make horrible tea, mind. SETH, via email

MILT ON JONES

My mum’s a bit l ike the Beij ing government. When you go round,

you only see the nice China

JOKER OFTHE WEEK!

GENIUS ONE-LINER My friend Colin had a neck brace fitted years ago. Since then, he’s never looked back. ALFIE MOORE

Joker Of The Week wins an Xbox One and a ZOO goodie bag!


Football coachI’ve started to play football with a bunch of coach drivers.

They’re not bad, apart from the fact they’re always parking the bus.CAL MACKAY, Newhaven

Caught shortI stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign saying “no dumping”.

I thought, “That’s OK, I’m just having a wee.”GARY DELANEY, Mock the Week

Very taxingI was delighted to receive a letter from HM Revenue And Customs telling me my income tax return was “outstanding”.

How kind of them – especially as I couldn’t even remember sending it in.JASON DAVID, New Barnet

Smells funnyA date last night asked me my least favourite night of the week.

I don’t think “bath night” was the right answer.VITO MODICA, via email

Loosen upA man goes to the doctor and says, “Help me, please. I can’t fall asleep. Every time I go to bed, there are a million thoughts in my head.”

“I see,” replies the doctor. “I’ll prescribe you a laxative.”

“Will it help me fall asleep?” I asked.

“Probably not, but you’ll only have one thought on your mind.”BRAD VAUGHAN, via email

Bread winnerWell done to Sylvester Stallone for deciding to make an advert for Warburtons – but I didn’t realise he needed the dough.NEIL RENTON, Edinburgh

Very catty“What do we want?”

“More cat impersonations!”

“When do we want it?”“Meow!”

WES SOUTHEND, via email

LLOYD GRIFFITH

I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently.

I asked him how it was al l going to work and he replied, “I ’m going to play it by ear.”

Sporting legacyThe Romans would be delighted that their legacy in America is purely numbering Wrestlemania and Super Bowl events.JA MES M A RTIN@PUNDA MENTA LISM

CAPTION COMPETITION! Simply email, tweet or text us with your wittiest caption for this picture. Use #CAPTIONCOMP or include CAPTION COMP in your subject header or text. We’ll print the best in the magazine!

Bringing sexy backI put the “sexy” into dyslexia.BEC HILL@BECHILLCOMEDI A N

Booze pouchAlcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can’t get the straw in the hole, you’ve had enough.BOB KOSTIC@CAUSTICBOB

Car crash relationship“My ex-girlfriend deliberately drove my car into one of those drainage channels.”“Sewer?”“No, I couldn’t afford a lawyer.”TON Y COWA RDS@TON YCOWA RDS

It’s a cover-up“Girl, your dress would look amazing on my bedroom floor… it’s the same colour as my carpet and it could cover over a stain.”JOE LYCET T@JOELYCET T

W W W. Z OO T ODAY.COM26 W W W. Z OO T ODAY.COM

Plug yourself into this week’s hottest entertainment, featuring the best films, games, music and DVDs

Doug Harris (Josh Gad) is a sad recluse, who has somehow persuaded the wildly out-of-his-league Gretchen (Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting) to be his wife. However, he’s got one big problem: naturally, he has no friends to speak of, meaning no groomsmen. Can he confess to the gal of his dreams that he’s a Billy-no-mates? No way.

Instead, he hires Jimmy Callahan (Kevin Hart), owner

of Best Man Inc, a service for friendless grooms who, along with a goofy team of oddballs, act as his best mates for the big day. But as Doug tries to pull off the con, an unexpected funny bromance blossoms between Jimmy and himself that changes his life for good.

It’s a heart-warming, riotous and wildly inappropriate flick that will have you sniggering all the way home. ★★★★✩

The Wedding Ringer

Essential ★★★★★ Excellent ★★★★✩

Good ★★★✩✩ Average ★★✩✩✩ Poor ★✩✩✩✩

F I L Mo f t h e w e e k !

Set at the imminent conclusion of WWII, Fury follows an all-American five-man crew of tank operators (lead by Brad Pitt) who take on rookie soldier Norman (Logan Lerman) as they push to occupy Germany against all odds.

Intense action stays true to the gritty realism of war, while Fury’s cast engrosses you into the mindsets of soldiers who are hard-boiled and tough-willed, yet ultimately afraid. A suspenseful ride of fear, loss and perseverance. ★★★★✩


What do you mean you won’t go south

of the river ?

Fury

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When Lou (Jake Gyllenhaal) struggles to find work, he discovers the world of “nighcrawling” after watching a camera crew film a car crash and sell it to a local TV news for cash. Encouraged by TV news boss Nina (Rene Russo), Lou

goes to unbelievable lengths to give her “news that bleeds”.

Dark but funny, this thriller is a strange mix of fear and comedy, and while you’ll be left open-mouthed at the gore and Lou’s ruthlessness, you’ll be bolted to your seat. ★★★★★

Nightcrawler

ZOO’SHOT FIVEFILMS

The BabadookSingle parent Amelia is struggling to manage her out-of-control son, who is actually plagued by a monster. ★★★★★

EnemyNightcrawler’s Jake Gyllenhaal has a doppelgänger in this trippy flick (with top sex scenes). ★★★★✩

Hector and the Search for HappinessSimon Pegg leaves his girlfriend (Rosamund Pike) and goes travelling to find himself. ★★★★✩

What IfAdam Driver provides the belly laughs in this Daniel Radcliffe-led comedy about finding love. ★★★★✩

Palo AltoJames Franco gives an odd portrayal of a football coach in this coming-of-age indie flick. ★★★✩✩

D V D ! D V D !

Before playing Coffey, Michael Clarke Duncan was a ditch-digger who dreamt of being a Hollywood movie star. He befriended Bruce Willis while playing Bear in Armageddon, who persuaded Darabont to hire him as Coffey Coffey was supposed to

be seven-feet tall. In fact, he was only 6ft 5in and the extra inches were made up with forced camera trickery One of the stars of the show is Mr

Jingles, a trained mouse. He was, in fact, 30 trained mice and now has a Facebook page (Mr Jingles from The Green Mile)

Much of the film was actually shot on a Hollywood soundstage set (usually a soundproof, hangar-like structure ) so confined, that Tom Hanks often said he felt like he was doing time in a real prison

VIE NIGHT!FRONT-ROW

FACTS ON

THE COOLEST

CLASSICSThe Green Mile DIRECTOR Frank Darabont RELEASED 1999ABOUT Paul Edgecomb (Tom Hanks) is a police warden working the death row wing. While on duty, he encounters supernatural inmate John Coffey (Michael Clarke Duncan) who has the size and strength to kill someone, but certainly not the demeanour.

Sky Movies Showcase, 24 February, 9.45pm

28 W W W. Z OO T ODAY.COM28 W W W. Z OO T ODAY. COM

G A M E o f t h e we e k !

Just when we thought that every possible angle had been covered in shoot ’em ups, something absolutely fantastic like Evolve comes along to knock our socks off and prove there’s still plenty of life in the old dog yet.

The structure of the game is simple but nonetheless ingenious: it’s four players against one. The four being hunters armed to the teeth with loads of cool tech guns,

and the one being a giant player-controlled monster capable of hurling boulders, breathing fire or shooting bursts of lightning.

It’s essential your team of four work together to have any chance of success, because the monster will “evolve” to become more powerful as the match progresses.

With so much replay value, this beast of a title is quite simply unmissable. ★★★★★

Evolve

That Wales No8 is a bit of a brute


HotThe List


Game of Thrones Season 4With Season five approaching, it’s time to binge on the entire fourth season and remind yourself how unbelievable it was. It started with Joffrey being offed and a scandal bigger than the Lucy Beale saga on ’Enders ensued. It ended with Tyrion Lannister killing a powerful family member. Will he be made to pay? We’ll have to wait until April… ★★★★★

AnnabelleDolls: unassuming, playthings that kids cling on to. How scary than they really be? But place them in a horror film and suddenly they’re more threatening than an axe-wielding megashark. When John buys his expectant wife a lifelike doll, he doesn’t expect it to take over the house and launch a violent attack on them. What makes this creepier? It’s a true story! ★★★★✩

Down DogLock, Stock, and Harry Potter actor, Nick Moran, plays playboy Frank, a creative who works for a sex toy company. His frustrated ex-wife, annoyed that his philandering and wayward lifestyle has led to him neglecting his son, convinces Nick that he is dying in a hope it will sort him out. Dark but incredibly likeable, Moran has this part nailed. ★★★★✩

BlackhatAfter an international hacking attack, a federal agent (Viola Davis) proposes that the FBI work with China to find the cybercriminals. The leader of the Chinese team, Chen Dawai, insists that convicted hacker Nick (Chris Hemsworth) be released from prison to help with the investigation. Good but not great, so you’re best off waiting until the DVD release. ★★★✩✩

DVD!

DVD!

FILM!

F ILM!

FIRSTLY, WE’VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE VIDEO FOR SHE KNOWS. LOTS OF POLE DANCING, LOTS OF WOMEN; HOW FUN WAS IT FOR YOU TO BE INVOLVED IN THAT? We wanted to turn the whole “stripper, pole-dancer” concept on its head. When I first heard the track it instantly hit me that this sounds like something that would be playing in a strip club – but me being me, there’s only so far I can take the raunchy and the nasty. My fans want things done tastefully. We’ve all seen strip-club videos before – the pole, the lights, the money, the booty – we get it. I came up with the concept of “how about we do something where it’s more about the sexy and the confident element, following you wherever you go”. LIKE PUTTING A POLE UP IN A SUPERMARKET… Exactly, it’s adding a fun element! Taking the strip club with you, wherever you go. IS YOUR ALBUM NON-FICTION GOING TO BE MORE SOULFUL AND STRIPPED BACK OR MORE DANCE-ORIENTATED? It’s a little bit more R&B this time, just to remind my core fans that I never went anywhere. It hurt my feelings when I was hearing people say “Ne-Yo doesn’t do R&B music anymore”. I was like “Are you serious? That’s like saying birds don’t fly anymore, what are you talking about? This is what I do, this is who I am”. I’m an artist so I’m always going to venture out and try other things, but R&B is me; it bothers me that people need reminding of that.

YOU’RE KNOWN AS BEING THE PERFECT GENTLEMAN...Let me stop you there, I am a gentleman, but I’m definitely not perfect. Whenever I do something bad, the world instantly uses that word and I look really bad. Like with my ex, she was on a show in the States and she talked about me cheating. I’ve never been scared to confront the truth. When people have that “perfect gentleman” thing that they feel about me and then hear “Ne-Yo cheated” they explode. I’m a f**king human being, I’m a guy and it happens. I’m not proud of it and I’m not saying it’s right, but people make mistakes. For people to think that I’ve never done anything wrong, it just doesn’t make sense! I love women, but I can’t help my past.SPEAKING OF WOMEN, HAVE ANY EVER THROWN BRAS AND UNDERWEAR AT YOU WHILE PERFORMING?Oh yeah, almost any undergarment you can think of – not every time though, but that has definitely happened. My thing is if you’re going to toss that stuff on the stage, don’t hit me in the face with it; toss it to where I can see you threw it. If I’m trying to sing and then a bra smacks me in the face, you’re just screwing up the whole section for everybody. Be considerate of everyone else – I’m going to see it, it’s a bra on stage, I’ll pick it up. Guaranteed!

Ne-Yo’s album Non-Fiction is out now

NE-YO

Would you l ike to see my only other

expression?

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ITVEight celebrities (including ex-England rugby union captain Mike Tindall) face a 12-day survival mission in the rainforest of Costa Rica. It’s basically a more hardcore version of I’m A Celebrity, then…

ITVLike it or not – and despite a mind-boggling second series – this has been one of the most addictive TV programmes we’ve ever clapped eyes on. No doubt the second season will come to a suitably dramatic and twisted conclusion.

Sky LivingWatch as Boyhood, Birdman and The Theory Of Everything compete to take home the year’s Best Picture golden fella. You can also see Matthew McConaughey discuss how he celebrated last year’s win – and the dangers of fake tanning the night before the ceremony.

IBIZA WEEKENDERSATURDAY21 FEB11.35PM

BROADCHURCHMONDAY23 FEB9PM

ITV2Feeling a little blue? Allow the sun-soaked beaches of the White Isle to transport you to warmer climes… and laugh at the young ’uns embarking on their first holiday away from their worried parents.

THE 87TH ACADEMY AWARDSSUNDAY22 FEB10PM

BEAR GRYLLS: MISSION SURVIVEFRIDAY20 FEB9PM

The definitive TV guide, picking the must-see shows, so you don’t have to!

Expendables 4 cast looks

pretty rubbish!


Channel 5Martin Murray attempts mission impossible when he takes on the most dangerous champion in the world. See how he’s feeling on p54.

21 FEBRUARY

SATURDAYGENNADY GOLOVKIN VS MARTIN MURRAY, 10PM

Sky Sports 1A top four six-pointer, with Ronald Koeman hoping Saints old boys Adam Lallana and co don’t return to haunt the St Mary’s.

BT Sport 1Free-flowing football enthusiast Sam Allardici will have something to say if Spurs resort to long balls to get points at Upton Park.

Sky Sports 5The Gunners have finally managed to avoid Bayern Munich in the knockout stage. Can Wenger get the upper hand against his former charges?

22 FEBRUARY

SUNDAYSOUTHAMPTON VS LIVERPOOL, 4PM

25 FEBRUARY

WEDNESDAYARSENAL VS MONACO, 7PM

22 FEBRUARY

SUNDAYTOTTENHAM HOTSPUR VS WEST HAM, 11.15AM

ITVWith James Corden stepping down from presenting duties, it’s over to Ant & Dec to chair the evening. We’re hoping for another ridiculous, drunken speech, à la Alex Turner last year.

ITVTelling the real-life stories of soldiers, from privates to officers, their wives and girlfriends left behind, and people affected in Britain’s villages and cities.

MANCHESTER CITY VS BARCELONATUESDAY24 FEBRUARY7.30PMBRIT AWARDSWEDNESDAY25 FEBRUARY8PM

THE GREAT WAR: THE PEOPLE’S STORYTHURSDAY26 FEB10.55PM

ITVThe Citizens and the Catalans meet in a rerun of last year’s group stage meeting, with both sides in contrasting form. City weren’t victorious once while Yaya Toure was off winning The Africa Cup Of Nations, while Barça are scoring for fun again thanks to Messi and co. If he runs riot again, don’t be surprised if Sheikh Mansour writes up a £200m cheque for him before he hops on a flight home. ALSO UNMISSABLEChris O’Dowd is back with a third series of his Emmy award-winning sitcom about his imaginary friend with Moone Boy, 9pm, Sky 1.

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The hottest TV cr it ic in town grabs ZOO’s remote control and pushes some celebrity buttons

T here are reasons we always invite Chanelle Hayes

back on these pages – and not just for the gloriously tanned, booby reasons you see on these pages. Not only is our favourite TV temptress

a knockout when naked, she’s also fabulously indiscreet. Get this girl in front of a Dictaphone and she’ll tell you what she thinks about sex, celebrity and the world at large.

Here’s her take on the world’s sauciest TV…

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HI, CHANELLE. WE SEE YOU’RE IN CRACKING SHAPE – WHAT OTHER TV BABES HAVE YOU BEEN ADMIRING?I really fancy Salma Hayek, I’m absolutely in love with her booty - it’s all about size and shape. I don’t like a straight up and down, I like an hour- glass arse I can take a whip to!HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING ON YOURS?I had been until I got exceedingly tipsy on Boxing Day and fell over in the snow and broke my coccyx bone. I was sat in A&E for about five hours in agony. I am literally out of action with a broken booty! Ha ha! SO WHAT PROJECTS HAVE YOU GOT COMING UP?Well, I’m thinking about


“I’m absolutelyin love with Salma

Hayek’s booty – it’s all about

size and shape”



getting new boobies…WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE ONES YOU’VE GOT?I think I want them more voluptuous, rounder. I want a bit of a lift to make them more pert. Because I have started working out a lot they have got smaller and lower. I stare at myself in the mirror naked and I want my boobies back!DO YOU ADMIRE YOURSELF NAKED A LOT?Oh yeah, I always walk around naked because my bedroom is on the top floor and the windows are in the roof so I walk around naked all the time. Delivery guys always get an eyeful!SO HOW RAUNCHY IS YOUR FITNESS DVD? IS IT ONE FOR BLOKES TO ENJOY? WHAT WILL YOU BE WEARING?It’s going to be a strong all-rounder. Fitness stuff for girls and lots for boys to look at, too. I’m going to be in something tight, small and skimpy doing very deep lunges!WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS YEAR’S BIG BROTHER?It was great! But the only way I could watch Perez was on mute, I couldn’t stand him. I absolutely wanted the pants off Chloe, though. I had hundreds of comments saying I look like her, I don’t see it! WHAT ABOUT KATIE HOPKINS?I loved her. I didn’t like her before but think she’s f**king hilarious now. I really liked Michelle Visage, I love a straight talker… she really doesn’t care.KATIE PRICE WON IT IN THE END. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?I was amazed she wasn’t pregnant – she’s had a baby or 12 hasn’t she! She’s done so well in her career but I don’t find her that interesting, and she wasn’t interesting in this. She even said so herself! She’s as stiff and wooden as a board. I think she just had poor banter. Also, you have to admit there were younger, hotter glamour models in there – she looks like


“I walk around naked all the time.Delivery guys always get an eyeful”




“Jodie Marsh is so hot.I would literally lick

ice cream off her body”



an old shoe!WHAT DO YOU THINK OF RITA ORA’S ARRIVAL ON THE VOICE?I like her because she can actually sing but I think she’s trying a bit too hard, so far she’s coming across massively as a keen bean! I did love her boobs on The One Show – as if those beauties got 400 complaints! I bet the complaints were from old cardigan wearers. It was ridiculous as two minutes after EastEnders was on, and the storylines are about people murdering and shagging each other! Get a grip.WE ALSO UNDERSTAND YOU’RE A MASSIVE FAN OF OUR JODIE MARSH’S RECENT BEACH SELFIES?I am majorly girl crushing on her. Her body is frickin’ hot! I would literally lick ice cream off her! But it would have to be protein ice cream because that’s what she’d insist on! I love her – she doesn’t need a man, her career is awesome. They should get her saving Britain’s schools – I’d listen to Jodie over Jamie Oliver any day of the week!WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER DOING A NAKED SHOOT WITH JODIE IN THE FUTURE?Totally! I would pay money to do a shoot with her! Get me in with her now.ARE YOU BORED WITH THIS KELLY BROOK AND DAVID MCINTOSH ON-OFF ROMANCE? SHE’S DISSED YOU ABOUT HIM BEFORE.They are so boring…. who cares? I wish they’d either get married or get lost! Nothing more to add. DO YOU GET ANY TV CELEBRITIES TRYING TO


HIT YOU UP OUT OF THE BLUE ON TWITTER?Oh my God! I always get the odd footballer trying it on, but I’ve also had James Arthur on the blower to me a bit lately. I follow him on Twitter so he messaged me and asked if I wanted to meet up. Thing is, his opener was “Can I have a calendar?” I thought to myself, “I know you’re not signed now but didn’t you once get £200,000 off Simon Cowell?” Cheeky sod. He got nowhere with his chat.HERE AT ZOO, WE KNOW YOU’VE GOT A TREASURE CHEST OF LINGERIE. HAVE YOU ADDED TO IT IN THE NEW YEAR?I did buy a new sexy underwear set. There is barely anything to it! It’s a navy blue bra with black lace that goes under your boob but not over it. It’s peephole so my nipples are constantly out on view. I’ve then got the matching thong which is crotchless. I did send a selfie to my girlie mates of the top half, but no one with a penis has seen it yet! Ha ha!SO, WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE SEXY SELFIE ON YOUR PHONE?I’ve got too many to choose from. I did a fitness shoot in a newspaper and someone tweeted it was airbrushed.

“I always get theodd footballertrying it on. JamesArthur asked me for a calendar”

I couldn’t believe it, so I quickly ran upstairs to my dressing room, stripped down to my pants, took a selfie and sent it back to them! That is my new favourite – a revenge selfie!UNWITTINGLY THAT PERSON MADE YOU TEAR YOUR CLOTHES OFF! TELL US WHAT YOU ARE ADDICTED TO ON TV?I’m currently into the new series of Silent Witness, that’s the new thing I’ve been watching. I love Scandal, that’s started again. It’s ridiculous but it’s very sexy!

TURN FOR MORE OF THE SEXIEST GIRLS ON TV TODAY




LOUISE THOMPSON MADE IN CHELSEALouise has her own clothing range, Pocket London. Is there any way of fitting in her pocket? Probably not in this stunning get-up.

HOLLY HAGAN GEORDIE SHOREHolly has been busy flaunting her hot new bod, demonstrating that all her curvy bits are shrinking. Well, not necessarily all her curvy bits, as you see here!

JODIE MARSH TV DOCSJodie loves us, and we love Jodie. Some naïve folk said you couldn’t make muscles and tattoos on a woman sexy. Hats, and clothes, off to Ms Marsh for showing them otherwise.



JEN METCALFE HOLLYOAKSHollyoaks used to be the main reason we dashed home while Jen Metcalfe was on it. Her character may have been offed at the end of last year, but her figure alone made the series linking worthwhile.

CAMI LI CBB 15She may have more scribbles than a kid’s Etch-A-Sketch, but we think Cami’s inkings add more than something to her charm. Plus, she can’t stand that Perez Hilton character.

SAM FAIERS TOWIE & CBBEven if Essex favourite Sam was to “shut aaarrrp” (as the TOWIE saying goes), our eyes will still remain firmly glued on her. Even more so now she’s lost that Joey Essex fella of hers.

RHIAN SUGDEN CBB 10Northern lass Rhian is still wowing us after all these years with bikini, beach and booby snaps. Hurrah! Now we’re just waiting for summer so we can see even more of the CBB beauty.

JESS IMPIAZZI EX ON THE BEACH 2 We’re always ahead of the curve when it comes to TV’s hottest properties – and Jess has been in these pages a long time. You can thank us for flagging her up before MTV’s Ex On The Beach 2 ever did!

RITA ORA THE VOICECan you believe there were actually complaints about Rita’s cleavage on The One Show? If you missed out – and believe us you did – she is still on The Voice every week!

VICKY PATTISON GEORDIE SHOREZOO girl Vicky is a hard-drinking lass who regularly shares a bed with Casey Batchelor. We’ve also read her autobiography Nothing But The Truth.Well, maybe looked at the pictures…

KALEY CUOCO-SWEETING THE BIG BANG THEORYWe still can’t pronounce half her surname. Fortunately, it’s still OK calling her “The hot blonde off that geek show”!

CARA DELAHOYDE FIRST DATESCara made a memorable but short appearance on C4 show First Dates, but those eagle-eyed among you may also have spotted her in our Lacey Banghard shoot last week...


LOUISE HAZEL THE JUMPFeisty Olympian Louise laughed in the face of those who thought you couldn’t look good in a Lycra ski suit on The Jump. In that discipline, Louise definitely triumphed.

LUCY MECKLENBURGH TOWIE & TUMBLEA body so hot you could fry an egg on it. But knowing fitness fanatic Lucy, we reckon she’d prefer hers poached.

DANIELLE ARMSTRONG TOWIEDanielle has announced her and fella James will be the first TOWIE couple to wed in this series. Hen party vajazzle special on ITV2, anyone?



HELEN WOOD BIG BROTHER 15Shouty Helen was the biggest personality on last year’s BB, which made her all the more hypnotic. She was even more mesmeric during those beautiful moments of shouting in her pants.

GEMMA MERNA HOLLYOAKS & SPLASH!We first fell for Gemma on Hollyoaks, but her bikini appearances in Splash! made it everlasting love. 10/10 from us.

LACEY BANGHARD CBB 11CBB babe Banghard starred in our Sex Issue last week, getting her kink on for full Fifty Shades Of Grey naughtiness. We can assure you we wouldn’t need to be tied up to look at these pictures.

FERNE MCCANN TOWIEFerne seems to spend each episode of TOWIE rowing with friends, crying about heartbreak and apologising for saying daft things when drunk. She doesn’t know it, but she’s made for ZOO!

SHANNON TWINS CBB 9These blonde beauts haven’t surfaced on our TV since their explosive turn on CBB in 2012. But frankly there are two of them – and that means there’s double the delicious memories!


GEORGIA SALPA CBB 9Since she appeared on Celebrity Big Brother, Georgia doesn’t seem to get up to much, apart from pose in her pants. Which, in our opinion, deserves a TV series in its own right!

CARLY BAKER CORAL TV ADIn-game betting never felt so good! We were all set to close our (empty) account with Coral until Carly started fronting their ads. We’ve gone online for a peek – and we’ve backed a Villa next goal!

JORGIE PORTER HOLLYOAKSJorgie continues to own the wow factor, nominated for Sexiest Female at the Soap Awards for six years running now. Who are we to argue?

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H eading for the Arctic Monkeys gig at Earls Court in October last year, a

20–strong gang of hardened pickpockets, drug dealers and violent offenders were fully expecting a night of profitable mayhem. Fully disguised and with legitimate tickets in their pockets, they would slide inside the doors before splitting up and robbing phones and handbags all night. Forget, I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor – these creeps are only interested in rooting through your pockets. At the same event in Manchester a week before, they’d swagged 140 phones in just one night.

But outside, a team of crack super cops were waiting for them. Even split up among the 20,000 crowd, these “super recognisers” could pick out a bad guy – even if

they had grown a beard or covered their face. All they’d need to see was their cheekbones and eyes, or – short of that – just see them walk. These super cops don’t use any fancy image technology or gadgets, just their own noggin.

CAUGHT IN THE ACTWithin an hour they’d fished them all out. No violence needed, no riot police called. Each mobster was apprehended before entering the venue. Subsequently, at the Arctic Monkeys two-night Earls Court shows, only five thefts were reported.

These super recognisers are hand-picked during annual tests from the existing police force for their stunning memory for a bad guy’s face. The London police make 250,000 arrests each year and – with many being repeat

offenders (500,000 crimes per year are committed by reoffenders according to stats) – the same characters turn up again and again.

Super recogniser coordinator Paul Smith of the Central Forensics Image Team says these memory cops are vital to police work. “These guys can spot a crook even on the grainiest CCTV footage. They can recognise a suspect just by their gait, or a glimpse of their

eyes above a scarf. Anything. We can then do the police work to double-check they were there and get them prosecuted. I’ve seen a super recogniser recall an offender’s date of birth, phone number and cohorts just from a glimpse of a CCTV image.”

Spreading their talents on foot and using CCTV, these SRs can catch 170 crooks a week in the capital. If they’ve been arrested by a super recogniser, the suspects will have had more than their fingerprints taken. Smith says, “It’s a very intimate thing arresting someone. An officer might have to detain someone in the street and hold them there, take them back in the van to the cells. They interview them, keeping eye contact to find out if they’re lying. These super cops will remember every detail – if they see them again, they’ll know.”

PROFESSIONAL PICKPOCKET

DRUG DEALER

“ I C A N ’ T F I N D B A B E S TAT I O N ”

LONG EYE OF THE LAW

Forget the long arm of the law: “super recognisers” are the new face of modern pol icing!


The Tropicana Sun art installation was created as part of Tropicana’s Brighter Mornings campaign, to cheer up commuters on a miserable

A NEW SUPER POLICEHis officers have caught suspects so fast using this method, the offender still has their victims’ DNA on them upon arrest. A CCTV image is grabbed and is put on Scotland Yard’s super recognisers’ “Caught On Camera” database. Then, the offender – if they have been in contact with police before – will be uncovered within minutes.

These super-sleuthing skills were uncovered in the aftermath of the 2011 London riots. With their faces partially obscured and the night-time CCTV being poor, very often the crooks remained undetected for years. So Detective Chief Inspector Mick Neville of Scotland Yard’s Forensic Image Team organised an ad-hoc task force of men from across London’s

32 boroughs who had been tested for their powers of memory. One such man, PC Gary Collins, studied thousands of hours of CCTV footage before snagging an incredible 180 identifications (see box.)

“EYE FOR DETAIL”The SRs are so good they are enlisted to stop bad guys entering festivals, football matches and public events or to solve cold cases

where the offender has lain hidden for years. Police forces from the Middle East and Australia have even travelled here to learn how our boys do it.

One such case happened at London’s Charing Cross police station. Jailer Idris Bada was locking up an offender who spat in his face. Unbeknown to the crook, Bada was also one of London’s finest super recognisers. Keeping his cool, Bada decided to trawl through cold cases to see if this vile character had form. Bada says, “I knew I’d seen him before. He had a squat, distinctive look. It turned out he was wanted for council tax fraud that had done the taxpayer out of £850,000. He had changed his identity and the authorities had given up on catching him. That night we got him, he faced all the charges and that’s very satisfying.”

SUPERRECOGNISERS AT WORKPC Gary Collins has 20 years experience in the force and was instrumental in making 180 identifications after the London riots of 2011. The riots damaged 48,000 businesses and many offenders avoided charges for over a year afterwards. He tells ZOO how he does it.

“I had watched hundreds of hours of the riot footage but there was one guy we couldn’t get. It’s hard enough anyway, as it was all at night, the CCTV footage was grainy and there are people in the way. He had a bandana over his face and was wanted for robbery, vandalism, all sorts. He also committed a violent assault on a passer-by. Very often a crook will keep the scarf over their face but then, after the crime, take it off and you get a view of their face. This guy didn’t.

It took weeks of watching tapes. We’d get a bit of an eye, then his nose and his cheekbones. Then he’d get his mobile phone out and that’d be another piece of the puzzle. We’d study his build, clothes. Finally, I cracked it. I finally got a picture of what he looked like and we could bring him in. He eventually got six years. I was really proud of that – we’d worked so hard to get him and we caught him years after he thought he’d escaped.”

CONMAN

VIOLENT OFFENDER

T H U G S O F L O N D O N : S M I L E !

THOM YORKEA case of “pink eye” which is better

suited to Zoo’s That’s Gotta Hurt

ROBIN WILLIAMSPeter Pan never grew old.

This tattoo quickly did

ONLY FOOLS AND HORSESNo money back, no guarantee – as we’re sure the tattooist was quick to point out

E veryone has a favourite celebrity.But while most fans

show devotion by “liking” their every Instagram snap or buying a rip-off tour programme, some take it that little bit further and get a likeness of their hero inked on their body.

Last week, Bristol man Darren Williams unveiled a tribute to Only Fools And Horses on his back. The piece took 50 hours and included portraits of the three main stars, Del’s van and the Trotters’ flat in Nelson Mandela House.

And Darren’s not the only one. Across the world, people are getting celebrities’ faces scrawled on their body. Are they loyal – or just deluded? Take a look at this selection and decide for yourself.

freddie mercuryDon’t stop me now? It’s too late

for this loyal Queen fan

michelle keeganThe only time you’ll see lovely

Michelle with stretch marks

Will FerrellEven Will Ferrell seems shocked

at just how bad this Elf likeness is

ANDY COLEA tattoo made all the funnier when the

striker left Newcastle a week later

BRITNEY SpearsA reminder not to do anything rash like Britney did. This tattoo was a bad start

MICHAEL JACKSONRe-imagined here as an extra member

of the Kardashians

kevin keeganWe bet this fan would “Luv it” if

they could have this removed

liverpool FCGerrard and Carragher as 300 – almost

the number of years since their last title

star warsThe Empire Strikes Back –

and it looks like the Empire wins

WAYNE'S WORLDAre you sure it’s Wayne’s World and not Bake Off’s Mel and Sue?

TUPAC SHAKURWe keep hearing Tupac is still alive –

possibly not as a unicorn though

TWILIGHTSadly for this tattoo fan, these

vampires can be seen in a mirror

MILEY CyRUSWe know she changes her look, but we

don’t remember her “Harry Kane” phase

hulk hoganThis colourful inking marks this fella

out as a fairly large Hulkamaniac

fernando torresLike this Koppite, Chelsea fans would’ve given their right arm for an El Niño goal

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52 W W W.T W I T T ER .COM / Z O O

BEING ZLATAN

Journalists have no right to question himBeing the authority on football that he is, Zlatan hates nothing more than to be questioned about it. One journalist who tried to do just that was asked, “you know football better than me?” before having his operation branded “low budget”. Then there was the chap he walked away from mid-interview because his stats were not 100 per cent accurate.

Wants Eiffel Tower replaced with a statue of Zlatan After becoming only the second footballer, after Pele, to be immortalised in a waxwork in the renowned Paris Musée Grévin, Zlatan was quick to point out that while the artwork may be made of wax he was made of “steel”. He then went on to suggest, “replacing the Eiffel Tower with an Ibrahimovic statue”.

Shows disdain to players that challenge himWhen Saint-Etienne defender Paul Baysse had the temerity to challenge the PSG frontman during a Ligue 1 game and then argue the odds with him afterwards, Zlatan responded in typical Zlatan fashion by checking the back of Baysse’s shirt to see just who the perpetrator was. Much to his shock, Baysse returned the favour.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUEP S G vs C h e l s e aITV, 7.30pm

T U E S DAY1 7 F E B R UA RY

Wa xworks, t rademarks, audacious talent and zero respect for authority – move aside Mourinho, this is footbal l ’s most arrogant man. . .

This will f it on my mantelpiece just

great guys, cheers


IBRAHIMOVIC

Too much of a superstar for Barça

Having lasted just one season at Barcelona, Ibrahimovic revealed the most successful club in the world at the time just didn’t have

enough star power for him. “None of the lads acted like superstars, which was strange. Messi, Xavi, Iniesta, the whole gang – they were like schoolboys. It was ridiculous and I didn’t fit in at all,” said Zlatan of his time at the club.

Devoted to the cult of selfHis autobiography is aptly titled I Am Zlatan. His advertising campaign slogan with sponsors Nike simply challengers audiences to “Dare to Zlatan”. His name is registered as a trademark throughout the EU. And he always refers to himself in the third person. If there’s one person that Zlatan respects, it’s Zlatan.

Considers himself a catchWith a long-term partner who is 11 years his senior and was already a successful marketing executive with her own country house and Mercedes sports car when they met, the swashbuckling striker naturally considers himself a catch. After being asked what he bought his girlfriend Helena Seger for her birthday he replied, “Nothing: she already has Zlatan”.

Doesn’t go to refs, they come to himThe last referee to mistakenly think their rule extended over Ibrahimovic on the pitch was quickly brought to his senses. When French referee Philippe Kalt ordered the striker over for a talking to during PSG’s 1-0 win over Rennes, Zlatan just stood still and refused to go. So the official came to Zlatan.

w

Too good for trialsHaving set a record for winning the league title for every team he played for between 2001 and

2011, and commanded the highest cumulative transfer value in football history, Zlatan has every reason to rate himself. But then he did that even before his career kicked off, turning down an Arsenal trial as an 18-year old because, "he didn’t do auditions".

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“EVERYONE THINKS HE’S MIKE TYSON… I DON’T!”

St Helens’ hitter Mart in Murray tel ls ZOO why he’s not buying the hype surrounding Gennady Golovkin


GOLOVKIN KOS

MATTHEWMACKLIN!

“NO TRASH-TALKING, NO ANIMOSITY – JUST TWO MEN FIGHTING”

M ARTIN, YOUR OPPONENT ON SATURDAY IS

BEING DUBBED THE MOST FEARED POUND-FOR-POUND PUNCHER IN THE SPORT. ARE YOU SCARED?Gennady Golovkin is a top fighter but there appears to be this Mike Tyson aura, where fighters come in thinking he’s a beast and expect to get knocked out. I’m not approaching it with that mindset. I know it’s going to be painful, but I certainly believe I can win.YOUR PREVIOUS TWO WORLD TITLE FIGHTS WERE AGAINST FELIX STURM IN GERMANY AND THEN SERGIO MARTINEZ IN ARGENTINA. DO YOU LIKE DOING THINGS THE HARD WAY?It’s just the way my career has gone and the opportunities that have been put to me. Plus I need a challenge, so it’s great to be involved in such a big fight again and even better that nobody is giving me a chance!WILL IT BE THIRD TIME LUCKY FOR YOU WITH IT BEING ON NEUTRAL TERRITORY FOR ONCE?Not so much third time lucky but third time right! Fighting in Monte Carlo definitely settles me a bit. I went into the Sturm and Martinez fights knowing I had to get the KO to win. But if this goes the

distance I know the right decision will get read out.GENNADY COMES ACROSS AS A DECENT BLOKE. DOES THAT MAKE YOUR JOB HARDER?No, because I know he’ll be anything but nice come fight night and neither will I. Up until then, he’s a lovely chap. He even worked the pads with my little boy at the UK press conference. It’s nice to see two men fighting just to see who’s the best for once – no trash- talking, no animosity. HE’S NEVER TOUCHED THE CANVAS IN 381 FIGHTS AS AN AMATEUR AND PROFESSIONAL. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’LL BE THE FIRST MAN TO DROP HIM?I’ve never been put down myself, so the same can be asked about me. We’re both physically strong and have good chins, but you can beat a man without putting him down. I’m not going in there thinking I have to KO him.HOW GOOD IS IT TO BE

BRINGING A WORLD TITLE FIGHT BACK TO TERRESTRIAL TV?Even though we’ve done extremely well ,there’s not that many people that can make it out to Monte Carlo so its great that everyone will get to watch it for free on Channel 5, especially when this fight could easily be pay-per-view.DO YOU KEEP FIGHTING IN MONACO SO YOU CAN GET RESIDENCY THERE?Ha ha, I wish I could! All my family and friends absolutely love it. They bring their wives out with them and make a proper holiday of it. HAVE YOU AND ANDY LEE OUTLASTED YOUR OTHER BRITISH MIDDLEWEIGHT RIVALS DARREN BARKER AND MATTHEW MACKLIN?Golovkin floored Matthew Macklin with a body shot and Darren Barker is retired now so I’d say so. I was made up for Andy Lee after his WBO title win and I’d love to unify the belts against him after I beat Golovkin.

WBA MIDDLEWEIGHT TITLE G e n n a d y G o l ov k i n vs M a r t i n M u r r ay Channel 5, 10pm

S AT U R DAY2 1 F E B R UA RY

“WE’RE BOTH PHYSICALLY STRONG, BUT YOU CAN

BEAT A MAN WITHOUT PUTTING

HIM DOWN”

■ As a youngster, Gennady’s older brothers would point out guys on the street for him to fight. Triple G would then oblige by wrestling, boxing or just throwing punches at them■ An outstanding amateur record of 345-5 saw wins over world title challengers Matvey Korobov and Andre Dirrell, WBO middleweight champion Andy Lee, and a KO over former super middleweight champion Lucian Bute■ Golovkin has never been put down in 381 fights as an amateur or professional■ His 90 per cent KO ratio is the highest in modern middleweight championship history, better than Sugar Ray Robinson, Carlos Monzon, Sugar Ray Leonard and Marvin Hagler■ Rumours abound of Triple G bashing up elite level fighters in sparring from Peter Quillin to Julio Cesar Chavez Jr, Saul Alvarez and even light heavyweight champion Sergey Kovalev, who his trainer claimed he even dropped ■ He is currently on a run of 18 consecutive knockouts and aiming for his 19th against Murray

WHY GENNADY GOLOVKIN IS THE HARDEST ACTIVE

WORLD CHAMPION!

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“THE GERMANS WON’T ROB ME

AGAIN!”As he prepares to head back to Germany

for a second shot at the world t i t le , Paul Smith tel ls ZOO why Arthur Abraham

isn’t the hard-hitt ing monster he portrays

H I, PAUL. YOU’RE GOING BACK TO GERMANY TO FACE

ARTHUR ABRAHAM AGAIN. ARE YOU EXPECTING A FAIRER CRACK OF THE WHIP THIS TIME?I would hope so. I’d like to think any judge presiding over this fight will know that they’re going to be scrutinised because of what happened the last time. They won’t be able to rob me again.SO, IS GERMANY THE BOXING ROBBERY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD?A lot of Germans will have a go

at me for saying it, but I’m not saying anything out of hand. It happens more often in Germany than anywhere else, so what are we meant say? Result aside, we were treated well out there. The atmosphere was great even though it was a bit more sombre than fight night in Liverpool.DO YOU HAVE TO STOP ABRAHAM TO AVOID ANY CONFUSION?That’s what we’re working on. He’s one of the hardest people to hit and a very good blocker, but he’s also a bit lazy and doesn’t work as hard as he

should. He likes to steal rounds, so there’s an opportunity for me to capitalise on that.HAVE YOU LOST THE SURPRISE ELEMENT FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE IN THE FIRST FIGHT? IT SEEMED LIKE EVEN HE WASN’T EXPECTING THAT?I have lost the surprise element, but I’ve gained a lot from knowing I’ve got what it takes to beat him. I’ve actually gained more confidence from the first fight, so now I’m going in knowing rather than hoping or wondering.

ABRAHAM RECKONS YOU WON’T MAKE IT TO THE 12TH ROUND...I’ve heard it all before from him. He said he was going to knock me out last time and he couldn’t do it, so it’s just a case of typical cheesy press lines. I’m getting a bit sick of it to be honest, but it’s par for the course going into a fight.AFTER TASTING HIS POWER, ARE YOU WORRIED?In the first fight, I was expecting the big monster everybody made him out to be. I’ll go in expecting the same


=

“Paul Smith will not hear

the final bell”

again, because it’s always better to overestimate your opponent. But I tested his power and it doesn’t live up to his reputation.IS THIS GUARANTEED TO BE BETTER THAN THE FIRST FIGHT, AS YOU’RE BOTH LOOKING FOR THE KNOCKOUT?It depends on how he comes out. I’m not an aggressive come-forward fighter; I react to

my opponent. If he comes out fast, I’ll deal with it. If he comes out slow, I’ll deal with it. That’s how you beat a champ.WITH YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS ALL IN THE TOP 10 RANKINGS OF YOUR WEIGHT DIVISIONS, IS 2015 YEAR OF THE SMITHS?Definitely! I expect my brothers to win world titles, so I’m glad being the eldest I can get my foot in the door first!

“PAUL’S A GOOD COMMENTATOR

– NOT BOXER!”

WBO SUPER-MIDDLEWEIGHT TITLE A r t h u r A b r a h a m vs P a u l S m i t h I ISky Sports 3, 8pm

S AT U R DAY2 1 F E B R UA RY

HI, ARTHUR. DID YOU GET AWAY WITH ROBBERY IN THE FIRST FIGHT?I don’t understand why the English media talked about a miscarriage of justice. I don’t select the judges, and neither do my promoters. However, this time I will relieve the judges of their responsibility. DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE PAUL THE REMATCH BECAUSE OF THE CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING THE RESULT?No – I’m fighting him because I’m a man of my word. I promised Paul I would give him a rematch after our first fight in Kiel, and that’s what I’m doing. HOW MUCH WERE YOU SURPRISED BY HIS PERFORMANCE IN SEPTEMBER?I want to make it clear once and for all who the champion is here. Paul Smith fought well

in our last fight, but I was better. As a TV commentator, Smith is world-class. But as a boxer, he is not at my level!PAUL SAYS YOUR POWER ISN’T ALL IT’S MADE OUT TO BE...Paul should be careful what he wishes for. I’ve already beaten him once and this time, I plan to win in more spectacular fashion. I hope he trains hard because I’m going to show no mercy in the rematch. He will not hear the final bell.

King Arthur clears up who’s the champ, who’s t he chal lenger – and who’s t he TV pundit !

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02

OGOGO “Pearson is a big lad, and I certainly

believe him when he says he can look after himself. After his player-choking antics, I don’t think anyone would want to mess with him.”

OGOGO “Big Sam is big, of course, and

doesn’t take any prisoners when it comes getting his point across. He might be a bit too cumbersome for the ring, but if he landed a big shot you’d know all about it.”

SAM ALLARDYCEWEST HAMAGE 60HEIGHT 6FT 3INWhen he’s not winding up Louis van Gaal, Big Sam can be found taking on anyone from his own fans to his chairman. He also has the title of being the only manager Jose Mourinho said he wouldn’t fight. “Big Sam would kill me!” he once revealed in a press conference in 2007.

NIGEL PEARSONLEICESTER AGE 51HEIGHT 6FT 1INAs well as throttling Crystal Palace’s James McArthur after he accidently clattered into him on the touchline, Pearson also once fended off a pack of hungry wolves with a walking stick for five hours on a backpacking trip, told an abusive Foxes fan to “F**k off and die”, and called out a journalist for staring him out at a press conference. It’s no wonder the Leicester board was quick to clear up rumours they’d recently sacked him…

01

NO1 P O U N D -

F O R - P O U N D K I N G !

After swearing at fans and thrott l ing a player, Nigel Pearson is making a run for the Premier League’stoughest gaffer. But would he be King Of The Ring? Boxer Anthony Ogogo breaks down his Top 10. . .

A S R AT E D BYA N T H O N Y O G O G O


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OGOGO “His nickname is the Iron Tulip, so he’s got

to be tough. He’s also very strategic and is a tactician, so he’d be a thinker in a fight like Floyd Mayweather Jr.”

LOUIS VAN GAALMANCHESTER UNITEDAGE 63 HEIGHT 6FT 1INLVG has a set of balls on him. That’s not an assumption: it was proven when he dropped his trousers in the changing room to show a group of superstars he wasn’t afraid to call the shots while at Bayern Munich.

SEAN DYCHEBURNLEYAGE 43HEIGHT 6FT

OGOGO “A handful, pit bull terrier-type bloke who wouldn’t let up if he was on your case.”

RONALD KOEMANSOUTHAMPTONAGE 51HEIGHT 5FT 11INOGOGO “He stood up to Louis van Gaal, who was his boss and mentor, so he’s got bottle. Not to mention a powerful right foot if he needs to boot anybody.”

MAURICIO POCHETTINOSPURSAGE 42HEIGHT 6FT

OGOGO “The Spurs boss makes the Top 10 just for youth and exuberance.”

ALAN PARDEWCRYSTAL PALACEAGE 53HEIGHT 5FT 11INOGOGO “Everyone knows about his touchline bust-ups, but I’m not sure he likes it back. He’d have to knock his opponent out in the first few rounds or he’d be in trouble.”

JOHN CARVERNEWCASTLEAGE 50HEIGHT 5FT 9IN

OGOGO “Carver’s been a bridesmaid for so long, he’ll be up for it now that he can stake his claim as top dog. That’ll make him a dangerous opponent for anyone!”

OGOGO “He’s in decent shape for

a man in his sixties. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s done Brazilian jiu jitsu or Thai boxing. If he caught you with a spinning kick… there’s no coming back from that!”

OGOGO “Sparky was never afraid to put in

a tackle as a player, which for a striker shows he’s got a bit about him. He would’ve been the Diego Costa of his day.”

ARSENE WENGERARSENALAGE 65HEIGHT 6FT 3INLe Professor is usually calmness personified: that is until his side is being pushed around in another big game, or Jose Mourinho is in his vicinity. Wenger took his war of words with the Special One to the next step this season when he pushed him at Stamford Bridge.

MARK HUGHESSTOKEAGE 51HEIGHT 5FT 10IN

Taking his steel and tenacity with him to the touchline, Hughes has no time for technical area niceties. Martin Jol was rebuked when he tried to put his hand on his shoulder during a post-match handshake, Roberto Mancini was waved off because he wouldn’t look him in the eye and Arsene Wenger was chased off the pitch for blanking him.

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T H E O R I G I N A L A N D B E S T !Revealing the Premier League potty- mouths since 2005!

Chelsea 1-0 Everton11 FEBRUARY, 87TH MINUTE


Spurs 2-1 Arsenal7 FEBRUARY, 45TH MINUTE

Everton 0-0 Liverpool7 FEBRUARY, 78TH MINUTE

Everton 0-0 Liverpool7 FEBRUARY, 78TH MINUTE

Southampton 0-0 West Ham 11 FEBRUARY, KICK-OFF

“Get the f**k off me!”

James McCarthy

“What the f**k are you doing? Oi,

don’t grab me, you f**king prick!”

Jordan Henderson

“What did youhave to get involved for?”

“He’s really upset”Ronald Koeman

“What the f**k did you dive for? You f**king knobhead”

The Reds’ vice captain flips out when Toffees frontman Steven Naismith tries to pull him away from the ref.

McCarthy rejects some unwanted attention from Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic.

Big Sam and Ronald Koeman share a joke about a mutual rival.

After picking up a yellow card, Welbeck rips into Danny Rose for going down easily.

Finding both their names in the book, Naismith lays the blame at the door of Henderson.

“What did I say anyway? I don’t know what the fuss is about”Sam Allardyce

Steven Naismith

Danny Welbeck

FANZONE!FANZONE!

5 What club pocketed the most in TV money last season,

raking in a whopping £97.5m?

6 True or false: Spurs hotshot Harry Kane had

only played 63 minutes of top flight football before November 2014?

7 Why was heavyweight boxer

Dereck Chisora recently pictured hauling heavy bags

and shovelling dirt in north London?

8 Which manager’s claims that

Man United were a long ball team

was Louis van Gaal

rubbishing when he produced

a Prozone dossier during a press conference rant?

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1 Which English League One side has signed Paul Pogba’s

elder brother Mathias?

2 Can you name the Ashes hero and former England fast bowler

who has be appointed manager of his hometown football club Ashington AFC?

T H E B E S T B A N T E R F R O M

T H E B A C K O F T H E S TA N D S

Orange is the new banA Sheffield Wednesday fan faces a three-year match ban after hitting a Fulham supporter with a tangerine during a game. The excuse he was only trying to help the rival fan with his five-a-day did not stick.

Thibaut CourtoisChelsea

GabeUS The Office

Separated at birth?

Hottie shot strikerArsenal striker Olivier Giroud was voted the Premier League’s hottest player by American women in a recent survey. Looks like his scoring rate might be better over there then if those stats are to be believed.

Chant of the week!“He’s one of

our own, he’s one of our own,

Sol Campbell he’s one of our own!”

Arsenal fans put their own twist on

Spurs’ ode to hometown favourite

Harry Kane

ANSWERS: 1 Crawley Town 2 Steve Harmison 3 Mercedes 4 Jordon Ibe 5 Liverpool 6 True 7 Part of 60 hours of community service 8 Sam Allardyce 9 Caroline Wozniacki 10 B

Dodgy dealA prankster tricked West Brom boss Tony Pulis into thinking he was Bolton gaffer Neil Lennon enquiring about a loan for veteran centre-back Gareth McAuley. He might have had more joy asking for wantaway striker Saido Berahino.

Cricket scoreBelgian rugby side Royal Kituro handed out a 356-3 thrashing in a recent top division match against Soignies. The losers blamed the ref, when he turned up an hour late and they had already sent half of their squad home. The term “it’s not cricket” has never been so apt.

3 Which engine maker did McLaren leave to partner with Honda

for the new season?

4 Who has Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard described as

“Daniel Sturridge and Raheem Sterling rolled into one”?

9 Can you name this hot tennis star featuring in the

2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition?

10 England’s tunnel stand-off with Wales ahead of their

Six Nations opener at the Millennium Stadium caused the game to be delayed by how many minutes? A 30 minutes B 6 minutes C 15 minutes

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