Writing the College Essay: A few Last Suggestions

Opening Statements

Coherent Attention-getting Relevant Establish the theme or main idea of the

personal statement

Sample Opening Statements“Economy Crisis!! This is a terrible time for

the world, for US, China. Especially me! Find jobs? Make a trading company? Learn more knowledges and skills to prepare for future? My mind get blank but return to 4years’ ago.”

Lesson

Avoid the use of ! Coherent Relevant Formal

Sample Opening Statement “Once a little child, I asked my father,

“Why does the price of a product sometimes go up and sometimes go down?”

Lesson

A good beginning image Avoid simplistic questions

Sample Opening Statement“I am a student studying A-level course in

China and I am really looking forward to studying film course in your university.”

Lesson

Avoid telling the college what it already knows (what your major is, what you have studied, where you are studying, etc.)

Should be attention-getting

Sample Opening Statement “First of all, I would like to introduce

something about my academic performance, mainly mathematics.”

Lesson

Avoid introducing what you are about to say. Instead, say it.

Avoid stating who you are, what major you are choosing, and what you are studying in school

Sample Opening Statement“Sitting in my colorful little room, with piles

and piles of colored tiny LEGO bricks on the ground, I went over countless wonderful afternoons pleasantly when I was a little girl. I indulged in building little cities with all these tiny bricks…”

Lesson

Attention-getting Coherent Relevant Avoid the use of too many “general”

adjectives. Get specific.

Sample Content

“I should tell you some information about me for you to learn about me.”

Lesson

Don’t say what you are going to say… just say it.

“I am going to tell you about my school and my interests.”

“Thanks to having attended the premier mathematical school in China, I am well prepared for a rigorous academic program in statistics.

Sample Content

“My father has his own company of design with computer equipment .So I have been influenced by him and interested in computer since I’m a child.”

Lesson

Show, don’t tell

“I have been influenced by him and interested in computer since I’m a child.”

“By the time I was three feet high, I was already using my father’s workstation to design 3-D graphics for my school friends.”

Sample Content

“Secondly, I will present my personal ability. I have kept my state as the monitor of my class for about 7 years from grade 5 in primary school till now.”

Lesson

Don’t introduce what you will say. Just say it.

Avoid “firstly” and “secondly” Show, don’t tell. What does it LOOK like

to be a monitor? How is this relevant to the question the

college asked?

Sample Conclusions

“I gradually realized that I would like to study something involving practical mathematics like Actuarial Science of finance in the future because I have loved these subjects for so long.”

Lesson

Where is the conclusion? What is the main idea that is

emphasized throughout the entire personal statement?

Sample Conclusion

“Based on the above things, I think, I am definitely suitable to the student of your university. In conclusion, I am submitting my application for acceptance into your university.”

Lesson

Let the university make the decision on whether or not you are suitable.

What is the main idea that answers the prompt?

Sample Conclusion

“Furthermore, I believe that with our entire endeavor, we can live in cities with clear skies, fresh air and limpid water.”

Lesson

End with an image or idea that captures the main idea of the passage

Remember this is the last word you get.