EFFICIENCY, CLARITY, AND DICTION WRITING BETTER SENTENCES
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EFFICIENCY, CLARITY, AND DICTION
WRITING BETTER SENTENCES
SENTENCES
Efficiency Clarity
Diction
EFFICIENCY
Calculate Percent ChangeCalculate the difference between the
two numbers being compared: Difference = New Number - Original
Number
Divide the difference by the original number and multiply the result by 100:
Percentage Change = Difference ÷ Original Number × 100
If the final answer is a negative number it is a percentage decrease, otherwise, it
is a percentage increase.
EFFICIENCY
10 – 2 = 8
8 ÷ 2 = 4
4 x 100 = 400
400% increase
Example: Calculate the percent change from 2 to 10
EFFICIENCY
STUDENT SAMPLE AND EDIT
▸ This is just like a game between them, after Elie being beaten this time, his face even didn’t appear any anger, he didn’t resist the action of the commander, because now he knows the action of resistance would be silly.
▸ 40 words
▸ In this miserable “game,” after Elie is beaten, not a trace of anger appears on his face; in fact, he doesn’t resist the brutality, solemnly acknowledging its futility.
▸ 28 words
EFFICIENCY
28 – 40 = -12
-12 ÷ 40 = -0.3
0.3 x 100 = -30
30% decrease
Your Aim
EFFICIENCY
Download “Sentence Efficiency, Clarity, & Diction”
Complete Activity 1
Share sentences as a class
SENTENCES
Efficiency Clarity
Diction
CLARITY
▸ To be clear is to be coherent and intelligible
▸ To be transparent and pure
▸ Eliminating “to be” verbs
▸ Parallel construction
CLARITY
ELIMINATING “TO BE” VERBS
▸ “To be, or not to be. That is the question.”
▸ 3 to be verbs
▸ Next 34 Lines
▸ 6 to be verbs
CLARITY
“TO BE” VERBS
To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause—there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,
“TO BE” VERBS
The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of th'unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pitch and moment With this regard their currents turn awry And lose the name of action
ELIMINATING “TO BE” VERBS
▸ Use fewer forms of “to be”
▸ Am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been
▸ Instead: descriptive verbs
▸ Strong verbs lead to precise meaning to a vague sentence
CLARITY
My dogs were fast.
My dogs tore around the field.
My dogs flew like the wind.
My dogs raced across the grass.
CLARITY
WHAT’S WRONG WITH “TO BE” VERBS?
1. Claim of absolute truth:
‣ “Classical music is very sophisticated.” Few would agree that all classical compositions are always sophisticated.
‣ Beethoven’s, a famous classical composer, wrote the “Ninth Symphony” while partially deaf.
CLARITY
WHAT’S WRONG WITH “TO BE” VERBS
2. General and lack specificity.
▸ “Be good at school today.”
▸ “Don’t talk when the teacher talks.”
▸ “That school is great.”
▸ “That school has wonderful teachers, terrific students, and supportive parents.”
CLARITY
Rewrite these sentences with descriptive verbs
‣ A glass of orange juice was refreshing to Monroe.
‣ Monroe enjoyed a refreshing glass of orange juice.
Wea
kSt
rong
CLARITY
Rewrite these sentences with descriptive verbs
‣ The SAT practice was boring, so the students were tired.
‣ The boring SAT practice exhausted the students.
Wea
kSt
rong
CLARITY
Write a Paragraph
Don’t use any form of “to be”
Am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been
Descriptive Imagery
300–400 words
MLA CITATION
A few birds glide lazily outside the window. In the light of dusk, an orange glow envelops them. Inside, the café bustles with the din of conversation and puttering of pop music. I contemplate the scene: friends sip water and share their thoughts. A man in black glasses drinks tea and swipes the rectangle of his cellphone screen. A girl in a pink niqib taps her laptop’s keyboard, and her eyes fall melancholically upon its blue glow. Photographs line the wall: a Thai fire-breather blasts a plume of red into the night sky, a city skyline stretches for infinity, and a kayaker paddles in a turquoise lake. I, with a bit of a cold that I caught in the mountains, observe this scene silently. Life spins about, the sun falls behind the buildings, and the birds have vanished.
Example: View from the Café
PARALLEL CONSTRUCTION
▸ Parallel construction
▸ The repetition of a chosen syntactic and grammatical structure
▸ Balance and equality
▸ Communicate ideas that have the same importance using the same grammatical structure
CLARITY
Parallel: A shriek had been heard by a neighbor during the night; suspicion of foul play had been aroused;
information had been lodged at the police office, and they (the officers) had been deputed to search the premises. I
smiled,—for what had I to fear?
Poe’s Parallel Prose
GERUNDS + INFINITIVES
▸ Infinitive
▸ To + verb
CLARITY
Without good pitching, the Marlins can be expected to lose more than eighty games, to draft early in next year’s
draft, and attendance will suffer greatly.
Without good pitching, the Marlins can be expected to lose more than eighty games, to draft early in next year’s
draft, and to suffer greatly in attendance.
GERUNDS + INFINITIVES
▸ Gerund
▸ Verb + -ing
CLARITY
Jeremy is improving his SAT score, will have worked his writing, and has to meet his parents expectations.
Jeremy is improving his SAT score, working on his writing, and meeting his parents expectations.
CORRELATIVE CONJUNCTIONS
▸ Both, and;
▸ not, but;
▸ not only, but also;
▸ either, or;
▸ whether, or;
▸ neither, nor.
CLARITY
Henry was both an industrious student, and he was also an excellent athlete.
Henry was both an industrious student and an excellent athlete.
CLARITY
Parallelism
Using parallelism, write three sentences of your own.
Rewrite sentences with parallel structure
SENTENCES
Efficiency Clarity
Diction
DICTION
"The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter—it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning."
Mark Twain
DICTION
SHOW, DON’T TELL?
▸ Abstract "Telling"
▸ Even a large male gorilla, unaccustomed to tourists, is frightened by people.
▸ Concrete "Showing"
▸ A four-hundred-pound male gorilla, unaccustomed to tourists, will bolt into the forest, trailing a stream of diarrhea, at the mere sight of a person.
ABSTRACT DICTION
▸ Abstract diction refers to words that do not appeal imaginatively to the reader's senses.
▸ Abstract words create no “mental picture" or any other imagined sensations for readers.
▸ Love, Hate, Feelings, Emotions, Temptation, Peace, Seclusion, Alienation, Politics, Rights, Freedom, Intelligence, Attitudes, Progress, Guilt, etc.
DICTION
CONCRETE DICTION
▸ Concrete diction refers to words that stimulate some kind of sensory response in the reader: as we read the words, we can imaginatively use our senses to experience what the words represent.
▸ Dog, Cat, Computer, Classroom, Tree, Candy Bar, Car, Chair, Department Store, Radio, Pencil, Hat, Clock, Rain, Ice Cube, Beer, etc.
DICTION
DICTION
Abstract ExperimentTry to create a mental picture of "love."
What do you see?
Do you picture a couple holding hands, a child hugging a mother, roses and
valentines? These are not "love." Instead, they are concrete objects you associate with love. Because it is an abstraction, the word "love" itself does not imaginatively appeal
to the reader's senses.
DICTION
Abstract DictionWhat do you see?
"Ralph and Jane have experienced difficulties in their lives, and both have
developed bad attitudes because of these difficulties. They have now set goals to surmount these problems, although the
unfortunate consequences of their experiences are still apparent in many
everyday situations."
DICTION
Concrete DictionWhat do you see?
"Ralph and Jane were malnourished orphans, often beaten by their adoptive parents. Due to their
tumultuous past, they turned their backs on the world and took a darkened path through life. However, Ralph
and Jane sought counseling. Every Wednesday, they shared their thoughts with a compassionate
psychiatrist, and light began to seep through the cracks in the walls they had built. Though not every day is
perfect, they now enjoy a brighter path.”
CLARITY
Abstract vs. ConcreteRewrite the passage with
concrete diction.
Write three to four boring, abstract sentences about your experience with the SAT; then rewrite those sentence with
concrete diction.
DICTION
USE THE RIGHT WORDS, NOT THE ALMOST-RIGHT WORDS
▸ What do you see: ”The dog jumped on top of the car"?
▸ You should imagine a dog jumping on top of a car,
▸ What kind of dog?
▸ What kind of car do you imagine?
▸ Now: ”The golden retriever jumped on top of the red corvette"?
▸ The concrete and specific diction in this sentence ensures that you are "seeing" exactly what the writer wants you to see.
In general, specific and concrete diction is a characteristic of strong writing, whereas general and abstract diction is a characteristic of weak writing.
DICTION
{Parallelism
DICTION
USE THE RIGHT WORDS, NOT THE ALMOST-RIGHT WORDS
▸ Some composition and writing experts argue that writers should write with verbs and nouns, avoiding the use of adverbs and adjectives.
▸ If you use the right verbs and nouns, there should be no need to modify them into something else.
▸ "Mary walked proudly and confidently down the hallway.”
▸ "Mary strutted down the hallway.”
DICTION
USE THE RIGHT WORDS, NOT THE ALMOST-RIGHT WORDS
▸ Finally, avoid the word very:
▸ When you use the word "very," you are most likely trying to change the wrong word into the right one.
▸ “I was very happy.”
▸ “I was overjoyed.”
▸ I was very scared.”
▸ “I was terrified.”
CLARITY
Very ConcreteRewrite the sentences using the
a concrete, descriptive adjective.
SUMMARY
▸ Write with greater efficiency
▸ Fewer words
▸ Use more active verbs
▸ Fewer “to be” verbs
▸ Write with parallel construction
▸ Good writers do it; bad writers don’t.
▸ Use concrete, vivid diction
▸ Not too much abstraction
DICTION
Efficiency
Clarity
Diction
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