Workshop: The Art of Conversation · 2015-05-31 · Workshop: The Art of Conversation 2 | P a g e This document contains unofficial notes that were taken by a student during the workshop.

***Special Workshop***

By Sister Eman Al-Obaid

Dubai, UAE

Workshop: The Art of Conversation

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This document contains unofficial notes that were taken

by a student during the workshop.

Any mistakes are on the student’s part and the teacher is

not held responsible for the same.

May Allah forgive the shortcomings in this document,

may He perfect our speech and our deeds, and may He

make this knowledge for us, no against us on the Day of

Judgment. Ameen

Jazakum Allahu Khairan


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Art of Conversation...

How? Why?

INTRODUCTION

Surah Al-Ahzab #70-71

You need to have taqwa

You need to speak سديدا (perfect statement)

This is what we will learn today

Before we learn this, we need to understand that it’s a command from Allah

In return, Allah will forgive you and reform all your deeds for you

You fix your tongue and Allah will fix the rest

You will get the success

The art of conversation is not to learn for your own self or to impress the

people around you! Or to show that you are very fluent or that you can

convince people.


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Ask yourself why you want to have the art of speaking?

...For the pleasure of Allah

Only Allah can help you

اياك نعبد و اياك نستعين

ART OF CONVERSATION…WHY?

That’s why Allah has mentioned taqwa before telling us how to speak

Don’t speak for your desire

ART OF CONVERSATION…HOW?

You will get your strength when you rely on Allah

There is no might of power except for Allah

You need reliance on Allah for any art…no matter even if you have the

knowledge

The details will not help you to be able to practice

You need the key ال حول و ال قوة

If you rely on yourself, you will fail (you will be tired, frustrated and irritated)

You need this art of conversation in all your relationships in your life. How

will you speak the best with your spouse, your parents, your children, your

friends, your in laws…everyone!


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CONVERSATIONS – الحوار

(?) what’s the meaning in the language الحوار

o To return from something to something else

o الرجوع عن الشيء الى الشيء الحوار هو

o Don’t be stubborn even if you are on the truth!

3 Types of Conversations mentioned in the Quran

Surah Al-Kahaf #34

o An example of disliked conversation

o Talking about “me” (pride)

Surah Al-Kahaf #37

o An example of liked conversation

o He’s telling his friend not to disbelieve in Allah

o Talking about the right path (initial creation)

Surah Al-Mujadila #1

o A lady came to Prophet Muhammad , arguing

about her husband (but she was actually complaining to Allah

)

o This was the conversation between this lady and Prophet

Muhammad

o She was asking about something very important – she needed to speak to

him

Disliked

Praised

Problem

Solving


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WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN الجدل& الحوار ?

arguing for the sake of arguing الجدل

o For your own ego

o Leads to disputes and problems

o جدددل in the Arabic language means – sever murder or a stiff/strong

rope (stubborn)

There are similarities and differences between both

SIMILARITIES

o Both are conversations

o One person speaks and then another person speaks

DIFFERENCES

o الحوار will bring about something good

o الجدل will only bring about conflict and negativity

When you speak, you know exactly what you are doing. If you are doing

لالجد or الحوار

We need to understand the art of الحدددوار!! It’s not an accessory but an

essential. We need it in the house, outside the house, with your friends, with

your enemies….Having knowledge is not enough…You need to know the art

of applying it! The Quran and the Sunnah have taken care of this topic!


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IN THE QURAN الحوار

Surah Al-Baqarah #83

Allah is telling us, when you speak, speak the best (with حسنا)

Surah Al-Isra #53

Allah commanded Prophet Muhammad to tell the people to speak the

best…not only good but the best…the cream of your speech!

Surah Taha #44

Allah told Musa and Haroon how to speak to Firaun!

soft speech (to someone who is so strong and a tyrant = Firaun) = لينا

Allah gave the reason – so that he may remember and have fear

o Even if Firaun didn’t remember Allah and have fear – at least the one

who spoke did not accumulate sins because you will be responsible for

your speech

Surah Al-Muminoon #96

Avert the evil with good

IN THE SUNNAH الحوار

Prophet Muhammad was the best in speech! He is our perfect role model

When you speak to someone, don’t make it difficult for them!

Don’t make the person feel pity for himself and feel miserable

The Shaitaan will take the opportunity and tell you that you are caring for her

that’s why you are saying it. But actually you are putting her low!

Example: telling someone, you are looking sick, and the person says I am fine,

but you say, no no you look sick!

Give good tidings when you speak

يسروا و ال تعسروا

و بشروا و ال ُتَنفِروا


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Sometimes people themselves talk negative so that people don’t give them the

evil eye! That is also another extreme. You don’t need to speak bad about

yourself! Because you want to gain self pity and attention

Good words are a charity

The strong person is not the one who defeats others

The strong person is the one who controls his anger

o Controls his tongue

o Does not shout or scream

The Shaitaan tells you the opposite

Just a smile to your friend is charity

So what about good speech? That is definitely charity as well! (better charity)

Allah is so soft and gentle, He loves the gentleness

Because of your gentleness, Allah will give you something that you will not

get if you are harsh

الكلمة الطيبة صدقة

الكلمة الطيبة صدقة

تبسمك في وجه أخيك صدقة

إن هللا رفيق يحب الرفق

و يعطي على الرفق ما ال يعطيه على العنف


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THE ART OF CONVERSATION الحوار فن -

1. Seek the truth

طلب الحق

You need to speak the truth

Not just what you want (your desire) Everyone speaks about their own perspectives,

opinions, ideas

You don’t want to trick people so that they are on your side!

Ash-Shaa’fi said that he didn’t speak to anyone unless

he had something true to say Sometimes your enemy might speak the truth

A Jew scholar came to Prophet Muhammad and said, you are a good nation but you are doing shirk. So

he asked him, how?

o Prophet Muhammad did not be defensive o He didn’t say that no, you Jews are doing shirk

not Muslims…

o The Jew told Prophet Muhammad that some people from him swear by the Kaa’bah

o This was true because some Companions used to

say that

o So Prophet Muhammad told his people to swear by the Rabb of the Kaa’bah

o Then the Jew said, you are good people, but you

make rivals

o Then Prophet Muhammad asked, how?

o The Companions used to say, “if Allah wills

and Prophet Muhammad wills” 2. Be open-minded,

others can have their opinions

بشرية طبيعة اآلراء اختالف

Don’t judge people Everyone is different so you need to accept them Everyone’s mentality is different from each other

The way you are brought up makes a big difference in your life

Everyone is unique, don’t think anyone will be exactly

like you Culture, language, nature, personality, age, gender,

everything makes a difference Don’t undermine anyone

o Example: a teacher of grade 4 didn’t like one of

her students, she always complained he was untidy and unclean

o Then one day, she saw his old report cards and saw that in grade 1 he was an excellent neat,


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clean, tidy boy, the same in grade 2…then in grade 3 his mother passed away

o After learning this, she changed her perspective and took care of him till he graduated from

college Don’t wait for people to tell them their story and then

you become soft towards them

Nobody is born evil and wicked – something in life changes them

3. Speak easy speech

البيان حسن

Don’t speak too fast Don’t use hard, long, complicated words Talk to people in easy language so the person can

understand you Speak clearly

Don’t show off with your eloquence

Prophet Muhammad spoke very clearly, you could even count his words

4. Choose a suitable

situation / condition

المناسب الظرف

Look at the place and the situation لكل مقام مقال There is a suitable condition or time to say something Maybe someone is in a rush and you start talking and

the person cannot say anything to you Also consider temperature, maybe sometime its very

hot and you start talking and talking

Even when you are on the phone, you cannot see the other person what she is going through – maybe on the

other side her husband is telling her something, waiting for her, the kids are doing something, but you keep on talking. You need to consider these things

because it’s a test for both! (you and the person you are speaking to)

Even emoticons on whatsapp can create fitnah! It can

create confusion and misunderstandings 5. Don’t just

talk – let

others speak

as well

بالحديث تستأثر ال

You need to control your speech

Don’t keep going on and on Read the other person’s body language

When the eye contact is not there that means you need stop talking

Don’t speak to someone if they don’t have a desire

Abu Dardaa’ said that we have 2 ears and one tongue, that means we need to listen more

6. Be a good listener

بارعا مستمعا كن

You need to be good listeners It has a good impact on your learning

Allah will give you more wisdom when you listen


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attentively Research shows that good leaders are good listeners

A wise person said: you need to listen to everyone, if you sit with the scholars, you need to listen to them, if

you sit with the ignorant people, you need to listen to them!! In all cases, you will learn

o You will learn about the actions of Allah o It will help you to increase your faith

o If you listen to scholars – it will increase you in knowledge

o If you listen to the ignorant – it will increase you in being forebearing

7. Don’t interrupt

تقاطع ال

Don’t bring scissors with you!! Don’t cut the chain of words

Don’t interrupt anyone when they are speaking

Why do people interrupt? o If you disagree o If you know what the person is saying from

before so you continue it for them o If you want to defend yourself

o If you want to show you know better When someone is talking to you, don’t start using your

phone – that is disrespectful

The person who is on front of you has more right to your attention than anyone on the phone

8. Don’t start with a disagreement

االتفاق بنقاط ابدأ

Even if you have a disagreement, don’t start it like that Start with positivity If you start with disagreement, it will stop the

conversation with a bad feeling or it will become a challenge – each person wants to fight and defend

himself Start with something that both of you agree with Start with common sense (Surah Mu’minoon #84)

Never start any conversation with “ال” (no) There are very simple, ancient short words (in any

language). These 2 words need a lot of thinking to be said. These words are: YES (نعم) and NO (ال)

9. Understand the

person

أمامك من افهم

If you don’t know the person from before, try to

understand the person’s nature before you speak Sometimes people speak with emotions

Men are not like women – women are not like men o Men want solutions to their problems / he

doesn’t want emotions

o Women want emotions, empathy / they don’t always want solutions


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When people come and attack you, you don’t take any affect on your heart

Keep your heart in a cage – taqwa Don’t react

10. Say the name of the person

بإسمه حادثه

Take the name of the person you are speaking to It’s a good way of talking It melts the heart of the person

Umar ibn Al-Khattab said, if you do 3 things, the love will be in the heart of your brother

o Call him by his name

o Start the salaam to him o Make place for him in the majlis

11. Don’t use “me” and “you”

أنت و أنا

Don’t use “me” and “you” in your conversation I, me, my life, my experience, my opinion, mine …

o It shows arrogance and pride

o It’s a sickness of the heart by itself o Keep yourself small

Research – in 500 telephone calls, 4000times people said “I” / “me”

“you” is very attacking, it will spoil your relationship

o It’s like pointing fingers / accusing 12. Trick (be

diplomatic)

حيلة

Sometimes, a conversation seems never ending, the

person does not want to listen and just wants to put you down

You want to get away from the topic so you change the

subject diplomatically

Allah will guide you to speak something different This is not because you are a coward – but because

you want to do taqwa and you don’t want to shout and stop it. You want to do it elegantly

13. Don’t Fear the person & don’t be Arrogant

يحتقر ال و يهاب ال

Both of these are actions of the heart When you speak to someone

o Don’t be afraid of that person

o Don’t be arrogance towards that person Never fear anyone you speak to as if that person can do

something to you or harm you

o With parents – you need to speak to them respectfully but not with fear

o Only be afraid of Allah Don’t be proud when you speak – it will affect the

efficiency of your speech When you have humbleness and respect – it affects the

art of your speech 14. Say “I don’t

know”

Don’t be afraid of saying this

It is ok to use this in your speech


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أعلم ال

Imam Malik was asked 48 questions, 32 of them he answered that he doesn’t know!

o Imagine, he is an imam and said that o A teacher should know how to say “I don’t know”

so that the students learn and know that it’s not a bad thing

Saying “I don’t know” is not wrong – it’s better than

fabricating anything 15. Don’t be Angry

تغضب ال

Don’t be angry while you are speaking

Don’t show your anger Anger is a dispraised character People respect a quiet person more than a loud person

Don’t scream and shout at your children either 16. Confess your

mistake

بالخطأ اعترف

Accept and confess your mistakes

If you are wrong then you say sorry (you cannot do more than that)

Even if the other person does not accept your apology

that is not your issue On the other hand, you need to be pardoning to other

people A believer does not catch the mistakes of other people Don’t deal with people as though they are perfect – no

one is perfect 17. Lower your voice

صوتك من اغضض

Lower your voice and don’t shout

Even if you are true…truth does not need a high volume

Falsehood needs to be loud

Don’t show your weakness by shouting Ask yourself – do women in Paradise shout? A queen or

someone with a high position; shout? Will a Muslim shout?

18. Respect everyone

اآلخر الطرف احترم

Respect everyone – your husband, children, parents, etc

You need to respect everybody

In turn, you will get respect Between husband and wife – you especially need

respect and trust

You need to respect those higher than you and even those lower than you

19. Accept when “You are wrong”

مخطي انت تقل ال

Don’t use this in your conversation Islam teaches you to be humble and soft even if the

other person is wrong Surah Hud #88 you want to correct people nicely Don’t scold or blame anyone

Forgive and pardon


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You don’t want someone to tell you you are wrong all the time. In the same way, don’t tell others. You will

know your wrong in time nicely 20. Look at yourself

نفسك عليك

You need to watch yourself

Account yourself on all the points listed You will be accountable for everything that you utter Don’t be busy with what people speak

Be busy with your own faults and mistakes because you want to please

Allah and you want to enter Paradise!

Workshop: The Art of Conversation · 2015-05-31 · Workshop: The Art of Conversation 2 | P a g e This document contains unofficial notes that were taken by a student during the workshop.

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