When Disappointment Deceives · such evidence, they feel disappointment, betrayal, and often guilt”(p.9). Disappointment will pay an unwelcome, painful visit to any part of our

WhenWhenDisappointmentDisappointment

DeceivesDeceivesby Jeff Olson

YYou don’t have to be a baseball fan of the ChicagoCubs to experience disappointment, but it helps. TheCubs, known as America’s “lovable losers,” have the

longest championship drought in American professionalsports. They haven’t made it to the World Series since1945, and they haven’t won it since 1908. Over the lastcentury, they have repeatedly broken their fans’ hearts.

Disappointment, of course, goes far beyond the world ofsports. It is a part of life that can show up unannounced atany time and any place, parking itself in our hearts with acrushing weight. Whether it’s a major disappointment orthe slow accumulation of what seem to be minor letdowns,its heaviness can smother our hearts and suffocate our joy.

No one is immune to disappointment, though some have been led to believe that following the God of the Biblespares us from being let down. But even He is not sparedfrom experiencing disappointment. The book of Genesis

CB041 Disappointment pp 6/15/06 11:02 AM Page 1

© RBC Ministries. All rights reserved.

tells us that after seeing “how great man’swickedness on the earthhad become,” the Creator’sheart was “grieved” and“filled with pain” (Gen. 6:5-6). And when God took on human likeness andbecame a man, Hecontinued to experiencedisappointment. Listen to the heartache Jesusexpressed over Jerusalem’sunwillingness to embraceHim as the Messiah:

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem,. . . how often I have

longed to gather yourchildren together, as ahen gathers her chicksunder her wings, but you were not willing (Mt. 23:37).If God isn’t exempt

from disappointment,then we shouldn’t expect a free pass either.The fact of the matter isthat disappointment is an inescapable part of life.If we desire long enough

or deep enough, we willexperience feeling let down.

For most of us,disappointment appearsearly in our lives:

• A little girl isn’t invitedto a birthday party.

• A young boy doesn’t getpicked to play baseballduring recess.

• A teenage girl isn’tasked to the highschool prom.

• A high school boydoesn’t make thefootball team.

Before we know it, ourlives seem marked by oneletdown after another. Andmore seem to be lurkingbehind every corner of life.

Friendships don’t work out as we want. Thebottom falls out of a career.Marriage has its share of disappointments. A wifeis unable to get pregnant.Investments go bad.Vacation plans get canceled. Children rebel.And on and on it goes.

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Over time, we start to notice that people aredisappointed in us and webegin to feel disappointed inourselves as well. We don’tseem to live up to many ofthe expectations of others inour lives. And we just can’tshake that secret habit orkeep our anger from gettingthe best of us. We often feelstupid or inferior when wemake a mistake or when wegive in to an old familiar sin.

Sooner or later, ourdisappointment turnstoward heaven. In his bookDisappointment With God,Philip Yancey found that“for many people there is a large gap between whatthey expect from theirChristian faith and whatthey actually experience. . . .They learn to expectdramatic evidence of God working in theirlives. If they do not see such evidence, they feeldisappointment, betrayal,and often guilt” (p.9).

Disappointment will payan unwelcome, painful visitto any part of our lives. Asheartbreaking as somemajor disappointing eventsare, could it be that ourunderstanding of how andwhy disappointment woundsus so deeply is more thanslightly incomplete? Are we like the two heartbrokenand bewildered men therisen Jesus met on the road to Emmaus who didn’t recognize Him orunderstand what was takingplace? (Lk. 24:13-24). Couldit be that we are missingsomething too—not seeingall that is truly going on?

Things are not what theyseem. In some ways, theyare worse than we thought.There is more happening tous in our disappointmentthan many of us realize. Ifwe can agree on this point,perhaps we can embark on a journey to see in thefollowing pages more ofwhat is really going on.

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What Is ReallyGoing On?

IIn the 1999 motionpicture The Matrix,Thomas Anderson,

a.k.a. Neo, is a youngcomputer programmer by day and an illegal hacker by night. In hissearch for information about something called theMatrix, he is unexpectedlysummoned to a suspensefulmeeting with Morpheus, amysterious and intriguingstranger who is about tooffer him the chance to seewhat is really going on:

Morpheus: “I imaginethat right now you’re feelinga bit like Alice, tumblingdown the rabbit hole.”

Neo: “You could say that.”Morpheus: “Let me tell

you why you’re here. You’rehere because you knowsomething. What you knowyou can’t explain. But youfeel it. You’ve felt it yourentire life—that there’s

something wrong with theworld. You don’t know whatit is but it’s there—like a splinter in your mind,driving you mad. It is thisfeeling that has brought you to me. Do you knowwhat I’m talking about?

Neo: “The Matrix?”Morpheus: “Do you want

to know what it is?”Neo: (He slowly nods his

head yes.)Morpheus: “The Matrix is

everywhere. It is all aroundus, even now in this veryroom. You can see it whenyou look out your window or when you turn on yourtelevision. You can feel itwhen you go to work, whenyou go to church, when youpay your taxes. It is theworld that has been pulledover your eyes to blind youfrom the truth.”

Neo: “What truth?”Morpheus: “That you are

a slave, Neo. Like everyoneelse, you were born intobondage, into a prison that

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you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for yourmind. Unfortunately, no onecan be told what the Matrixis. You have to see it foryourself.”

(Morpheus thenstretches out both of hishands, palms up. In eachhand is a large capsule,one red, one blue.)

Morpheus: “This is yourlast chance. After this, thereis no turning back. You takethe blue pill, the story ends.You wake up in your bedand you believe whateveryou want to believe. Youtake the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I showyou how deep the rabbithole goes.”

Many of us can relate to Neo. Deep down we sensethat something is off. Thingsdon’t quite add up, but we’renot sure how or why. Weneed to know more aboutwhat is going on in ourworld. We need a clearerperspective, or else we will

misunderstand much ofwhat is happening to us and what can be done about it. Let’s take the “red pill” and begin to seethe deception that oftentakes place during times of disappointment and why we are being deceived.

We Are Being LiedTo. Sometimes a collisionwith disappointment canhelp us see more clearlywhat is true. It can grab our attention and give us a chance to reevaluate ourmotives or the world inwhich we live.

For example, not gettingwhat we want may help ussee that we want somethinglegitimate like a job or arelationship or a position ofstatus, but for all the wrongreasons. I know a man whocould not get accepted intomedical school after severalattempts. He eventuallyrealized that his desire tobecome a doctor was tooimportant to him and was

5



part of his plan to impressothers and feel important.

At times, disappointingevents can help bring backinto focus the fact that thisworld is not our home andthat all creation groansunder the curse of sin. Itcan increase our longing forthe better place that Jesusis now preparing for us (Jn.14:1-30) and draw us to putour hope in the One who inthe end will not disappoint(Isa. 49:23).

Unfortunately, many ofus are misled during timesof disappointment. A falsemessage fastens itself to ourdisappointing circumstancesand deceives us.

The deepest damage is not caused so much byour painful, disappointingcircumstances but by thelies that sneak in throughour disappointment. Life in a fallen world will havemore than its share ofletdowns, but it is the liesthat often come with them

that pose the greatestthreat—for we suffer ourdeepest wounds from thoselies.

A lie is any thought orconclusion that persuadesus to tear ourselves down,stop caring for others, orlove God less. Let’s take acloser look at some of thelies about life, ourselves,and God that come to us in our disappointment.

Lies About Life. Manyof us feel more than just alittle let down by life. Afriend recently said to me,“Life is not what it’s crackedup to be. What I thoughtwould make me happydoesn’t. And it seems that I will never get the things I really want. It’s one bigcruel joke.”

My friend’s remarks sumup many of the lies aboutlife that sneak through ourdisappointment and settleinto our minds and hearts.For example:

• “Relationships are one

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giant letdown.”• “Love isn’t really

possible.”• “People are just out to

get or use each other.”• “Joy and fulfillment are

only for other people.”• “No matter what we do,

nothing is going to getany better.”

• “Only a fool deeplywants anything out of life.”

• “It’s not safe to needanyone.”

At times, these negativethoughts about life andrelationships can seemabsolutely true. But itusually doesn’t end there.The lies become morepersonal.

Lies About Ourselves.When we know that peopleare disappointed in us or we fall short of our ownexpectations, we willeventually be tempted tobelieve the derogatory liethat something is seriouslywrong with us—that we are

undeserving, below averageat best, and simply notworth the time. Far toomany women are swayedinto believing they are uglyand unwanted. Many menhave been convinced, in the wake of some of life’sdisappointments, that theyare weak and inadequate.

Lies also creep in as we continue to feeldisappointment over oursin. Some of us have beenlulled into believing thefalse message that we areinferior Christians who cannever be used by God. Morethan just a few of us findourselves feeling defined byour sin in a way that makesus feel hopelessly trappedand condemned.

A man who was being pounded with suchlies while trapped in asinful habit said tearfully,“I’m nothing but an awfulsinner. God’s never going tobe able to use someone asrotten as I am.” It wasn’t

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until he quit believing such condemning lies that he began to findfreedom from his enslaving habit.

Lies About God. Asdisappointment continues to race through our lives,untrue thoughts about Godbegin to surface. Thoughtslike: He isn’t good. He can’tbe trusted. He doesn’t careabout me. A person goingthrough a devastatingdivorce recently said to me, “God doesn’t care about me. If He did, Hewould keep my husbandfrom leaving me!”

The damaging lies about ourselves, life, andGod are not true, but theyfeel true. And being told tostop living by our feelingsnot only loads us down with unnecessary guilt, itoverlooks what else is reallygoing on. We are not justbeing lied to. The lies are apart of a well-designed andcleverly concealed attack.

We Are UnderAttack. It doesn’t alwaysseem like it, but all of ushave three enemies we mustcontend with. The Biblerefers to them as the world,the flesh, and the devil. Allthree are very real. And allthree have their own uniqueways of misleading us in ourdisappointment.

The World is our visibleenemy. It is an organizedsystem headed by Satanthat leaves God out. It is a system of artificial joyand fulfillment that isconstantly seducing us.Whether it’s a job withmore prestige, an affair, anew dress, more money, or having a perfect body, thecall is the same: “Come,indulge yourself.” As onerecent advertisement put it, “You can have it all.”

We can encounter thisenemy when we listen tothe radio, watch televisionor movies, read newspapersor magazines, or surf the

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Internet. But without God,the best the world can offeris a counterfeit. It’s always a fake that will leave usfeeling even more emptyand vulnerable to the liethat just a little bit moreindulgence will chase awayour disappointment.

The Flesh is the enemy within that is benton managing life apart fromGod. It is that selfish naturethat remains inside each ofus that demands to get reliefor revenge—right now.

In moments ofdisappointment, the fleshtries to take over and get usto do the opposite of whatour redeemed hearts wantto do (Gal. 5:17). This is theuniversal war with the fleshthat Paul candidly describedtaking place inside of himwhen he wrote, “Now if I dowhat I do not want to do, itis no longer I who do it, butit is sin living in me thatdoes it” (Rom. 7:20).

When we give in to the

sinful flesh’s pull to takecontrol in the midst of ourdisappointment, it impairsour ability to see what istrue. It not only becomesdifficult to see that ourefforts to manage life areonly making things worse,but our understandingcontinues to darken—somuch so that it becomesincreasingly difficult to seewhen and where we aretripped up by a lie. AsProverbs says, “The way of the wicked is like deepdarkness; they do not knowwhat makes them stumble”(Prov. 4:19).

The Devil is ourinvisible enemy who is out to get us. The apostlePeter described him likethis: “Your enemy the devilprowls around like a roaringlion looking for someone todevour” (1 Pet. 5:8). Jesussaid that the devil isplotting to “steal and killand destroy” the life thatour Lord wants for each of

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us (Jn. 10:10). He is out tokeep us from having therelationship with God thathe walked away from.

The devil isn’tmythological or imaginary.He is a 21st-century reality.And our main conflict iswith him and his agents of evil. He is the god of thisworld, and our sinful naturewas born out of his lies inthe Garden of Eden.

The primary way thedevil (Satan) attacks us is with lies. This is how he “leads the whole worldastray” (Rev. 12:9). He used lies the first time heattacked the human race.He lied to Eve about God’sprohibition to eat from theforbidden tree (Gen. 3:1-5).

Jesus said that Satan“was a murderer from thebeginning, not holding to thetruth, for there is no truthin him. When he lies, hespeaks his native language,for he is a liar and thefather of lies” (Jn. 8:44).

Did you ever consider howSatan was able to get somany angels to turn againstGod? He had to be a verypersuasive and clever liar topull that off. And he hasn’tgiven up his lying ways.

Satan lies to us in many ways, but onecommon way is through ourdisappointment. He is theultimate source of most ofthe lies that come to us inour disappointing events.

Satan and his demonstake the occasion of ourdisappointing experiences to slip in carefully placedfalse messages designed todeceive us where we are theweakest. When someone lets

10

m Satan lies to us in manyways, but onecommon way

is through ourdisappointment.n



us down, he’s the one who isultimately behind thoughtslike: No one cares about meor People can’t ever betrusted. When we sin, he’sthe main instigator of self-condemning and defeatingthoughts such as: How could I do such a thing! orI’m beyond God’s forgiveness.The apostle Paul drew aclear connection between the “excessive sorrow”that can overwhelm aChristian caught in a sinand the schemes of Satan (2 Cor. 2:5-11).

Ironically, evil oftenmocks us with the truth of abad choice only after we’vefallen into sin: You’re such a fool. What were youthinking! You should knowby now that it never works.And Satan is most definitelythe originator of many of ourdoubts and questions aboutGod that hit us hard in themidst of disappointment.

As we experiencedisappointment, we don’t

just come up with all ofthese negative thoughts orimpressions about life,ourselves, and God on ourown. We get help—a lot morehelp than many of us realize.We are fed these half-truthsand derogatory thoughts—not necessarily by Satanhimself, but certainly by theforces of evil who follow andserve the “god of this age”(2 Cor. 4:4).

Satan can even lie to us through our family andfriends. When Peter refusedto accept what Jesus wastelling His disciples aboutthe suffering and death He would soon experience,Jesus said to Peter, “Getbehind Me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me”(Mt. 16:23). Peter didn’tknow it, but Satan wasusing him as a mouthpieceto trip up the Lord.

I find it alarming thatthe role the devil playsrarely appears on our radarscreens. Many Christians

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don’t seem to recognize oreven believe that the evilone is assaulting them withlies. They may believe thathe attacks missionariesserving in remote places of the world, but they also believe that living in atechnologically advancedand enlightened society putsthem out of range of suchattacks. If we think we’retoo smart for such things,we couldn’t be more wrong.

With the evil one’sdeceptive help, many of usseem to have forgotten thathe is the deadly adversarythe Bible tells us he is.In the book The SacredRomance, Brent Curtissuggests that the firstmessage the evil one tries to sell us about himself is,“I am not here.”

A forgotten enemy is the worst kind of enemy.Satan becomes even moredangerous when we fail to recognize his existenceand his evil intentions to

neutralize us. A line fromthe beginning of the movieThe Fellowship Of The Ringsays it well. In telling thestory of how the dark ring ofevil came to be overlookedby the world of men, thenarrator makes this chillingstatement: “And somethings that should not havebeen forgotten, were lost.”

Satan is real. And wecan’t afford to forget oroverlook him. If we remainunaware of his schemes, hewill “outwit us” (2 Cor. 2:11).We don’t want to put toomuch emphasis on Satanand his tricks. If we becomeobsessed with him, we willlose all sense of proportionand attribute every negativethought to him. At the sametime, however, we don’twant to make too little ofhis ambushes, for his liesare as real as they were inthe Garden of Eden, andthey can create and enslaveus in distorted beliefs.

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The Power Of Lies

WWhile time puts distance

between us anddisappointing events, weoften grow attached to the damaging lies we weretaught. As time passes, thelies tend to go unchallengedand often get reinforced.They deeply embedthemselves in us until weare convinced they are true.

Even though a thoughtor idea isn’t true, if we arelulled into believing it, itsinfluence over us is potent.As we believe these falsemessages that have come to us in our disappointment,they begin to shape ourbeliefs about life, ourselves,and God. And we begin tomake decisions and react tolife’s experiences based ondistorted thinking. The liesthat lead to distorted beliefsinfluence how we relate toothers and they strongly

affect the person we become(or don’t become).

The real danger is thatwe can become slaves tothese lies when they are able to run loose in ourhearts. Without evenknowing it, we can becontrolled by them. If wethink we can’t do anything,we won’t try—or we’ll spendour lives controlled by efforts to prove we can. If we believe people are out to use us, we may becomebitter and pull away, unableto let anyone get close to us.And if we are convinced thatGod doesn’t care, we will feelcompelled to put up walls,only to miss the joy ofknowing Him as our Father,friend, and lover of our souls.

The lies we believe in ourdisappointment can cost usour freedom to be who weare in Christ and the joy ofloving God and others. Forsome of us, the cost hasbeen extremely high. Butthere is something else

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going on that is difficult tosee, and it is as much a partof the problem as the lieswe’ve been sold. We mustsee the role we play inlosing our freedom by theway we respond to the lies.

How Do WeRespond To Lies?

NNo one asks fordisappointment.And we certainly

don’t want to be lied to.But at some point we makematters worse by the waywe respond. Unaware thatwe’re being ambushed, oneof our first mistakes is toaccept the lies as true.

We Accept The Lies.Unknowingly, many of ushave agreed with the lieswe’ve been told about life,ourselves, and God. Wehang on to them as if theyare true. Once we accept alie, that’s when it starts tocontrol us. And with a little

collaboration from ourenemy within, the flesh,we start to devise andimplement some of thefollowing plans to handlewhat we believe is true.

Hiding What We ThinkIs Wrong With Us. Many of us try to hide what webelieve is ugly or weakabout ourselves. A commonway to hide our flaws is totry to be invisible aroundothers. We don’t speakunless we’re spoken to.We don’t look people in theeye. We just go about ourbusiness and try not to drawany unnecessary attentionwhere people might seewhat we think is wrong with us.

Hiding is the approachSaul took the first timeSamuel tried to present himto the people of Israel. Hehad “hidden himself amongthe baggage” because hebelieved he was an inferiorman from an inferior tribe(1 Sam. 9:21; 10:20-22).

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Some of us try to coverup the questions and doubtswe have about ourselves byovercompensating. We mayuse big words that make ussound smart, concoct storiesthat make us appear to beloved or important, or wearclothes that make us lookmore successful. The wholepoint is to keep others from seeing our flaws ordeficiencies.

Limiting Our Desires.In The Devil’s Dictionaryby Ambrose Bierce, a year is defined as a “period ofthree hundred and sixty-fivedisappointments.” Those of us who accept thatdefinition will eventuallystart to hold back ourdesires. We won’t want orenjoy anything deeply. Wewill put strict limits on howmuch we open ourselves upto receive or give love.

For those of us who aredeceived into believing thatlife is just one long series ofletdowns, it seems that the

only way to keep from being disappointed again is to limit our desires andtake pleasure in very little.One man recently said tome, “I know what I want to be, but it’s impossible.So why want it?”

The Old Testamentrecords the story of a barrenwife who held a similarattitude toward one of herheart’s deepest desires.When the prophet Elishaannounced to her that shewas going to give birth to a son within the year, sheobjected. She pleaded withElisha, “No, my lord. Don’tmislead your servant” (2 Ki.4:16). In other words, “Don’tmess with my desires. I don’twant to open up my heartagain only to have it crushedwith disappointment.” Shedidn’t want Elisha toawaken the desire withinher to have a child. As shestated later when her sondied, “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Don’traise my hopes’ ?” (v.28). We

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are never told her name, butit may be that her objectionwas the result of acceptingthe lie that it was foolish tolet herself want a child.

Turning To FalseComforters. Once weaccept the evil spin that lies put on life in the midstof our disappointment,many of us turn to falsecomforters. Many of thesefalse comforters are thethings that our visibleenemy, the world, offers tous. Some of them are alsogood things like food or sexor a hobby. It’s just that weare turning to them for thewrong reasons.

We turn to our falsecomforters for consolation.They not only promise totemporarily soothe ourdisappointed hearts, theyoften represent somethingimportant to us that wewanted deeply but didn’tget. We cling tightly to thesefalse comforters. Trying totake them away from us is

like trying to take away abig steak from a hungry dog.

Getting Bitter. After awhile, the disappointmentsof life lead to bitterness.Like the Israelites who hadbeen miraculously set freefrom the bondage of Egyptand led into the wilderness,we can become moaners and complainers who are negative about mosteverything. We might saythat we are just expressingour frustrations. But we areactually voicing our bitterresentment.

Some of us becomedemanding in our bitterness,requiring from others thelove and respect they’rewithholding. Others of us grow to be harsh andvindictive. We make it ourgoal to get even with anyonewho has let us down. Evenworse, we start to take outour resentment on those whohad nothing to do with ourdisappointment. “Somebody’sgonna pay” becomes our

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unspoken motto.Finally, we turn our

bitterness toward God. If we think He doesn’t careabout us, we blame Him for our disappointingcircumstances, and then we resent Him for doingnothing about them.

Giving Up.Disappointment caneventually wear us down to the point where instead of staying bitter, we give up. As one disillusionedhusband put it, “I used to be angry. Now I’m onlytired.” At times, we canbecome so exhausted bydisappointment that we justwant to quit a marriage, afriendship, or a career. Likethe prophet Elijah, who saidat a low point in his life,“I have had enough, Lord”(1 Ki. 19:4), we becomedisillusioned and slowly giveup. Even though we maynever fall into a state ofsevere depression, many ofus quietly resign ourselves

to the fact that this is theway it’s always going to be.

I was once talking to a man about the lies he had learned and acceptedduring a long series ofletdowns. At one point inthe conversation, he said in a hollow yet convincingtone, “You just don’t get it.My life stinks. There is nopoint in talking about it anylonger because it is nevergoing to change.” Sadly, hehad come to the point where he wanted to quit.

We Prove The Lies Wrong. Generallyspeaking, we either acceptthe lies that come to us inour disappointment as trueor we set out to prove thelies as false, especially liesabout ourselves. And if werefuse to embrace the lies,we don’t often do it in a waythat frees us to live for Godand others. They still havepower over us when webelieve we must prove them false.

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Some of us have madeproving our critics wrongsuch a high priority that it begins to take over ourlives. I know a woman wholearned early in life the lie that her opinion didn’tmatter. Today she has anextremely difficult timechanging her mind onceshe’s made a decision.Even when she becomesaware of new informationthat calls for her to adjusther decision, she refuses tobudge because she is on amission to prove to everyonethat her opinion counts.She thought she was overthe influence of the lie, butshe, in fact, was still underits control.

Sometimes a lie that wetry to prove wrong is directlyrelated to a disappointingrelationship. One man toldme the sad story of how hespent much of his adult lifetrying to prove that hisfather was wrong about him. When he was growing

up, his father told himrepeatedly that he was nevergoing to amount to anything.His father’s disappointmentin him stung deeply, but he was going to prove his father wrong. And he did.He worked hard and built asuccessful business, but hisplan consumed him. His lifebecame out of balance andout of control, and heeventually lost his family in the process.

It’s possible to trust inJesus as our sin-bearer andreceive forgiveness of sins,yet live much of our livesimprisoned by old lies ofdisappointment. Many of us have been deceived for so long that we just can’ttalk ourselves into believingthe truth. On our own, wecan’t free ourselves from the slavery of deception.We need divine help toreinterpret the lies we’vebeen taught in the midst of disappointment.

An often overlooked part

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of the good news of JesusChrist is that He wants tobring healing and freedomto those parts of our heartsthat are wounded anddeceived (Isa. 61:1-3; Lk.4:17-22). More than any of

us can imagine, Jesus longs to speak truth intothose hurt and deceivedplaces inside of us. Let’stake a look at how we can invite Him into ourwounded hearts to confrontthe lies and help us to see the truth.

A Way TowardHealing AndFreedom

WWe’ve all beenwounded deeply by

the lies that cometo us in our disappointment.Ultimate healing won’toccur until we get to heaven(Rev. 21:4). Then “there will be no more death ormourning or crying or pain.”But for now, healing occurswhen we realize how we’ve been deceived in ourdisappointment and allowGod to show us what istrue. Finding the truthheals by freeing us from the prison of deception andreleasing us to be the peopleGod intended us to be.

God wants to heal andset us free from the power ofthe evil one’s lies, both pastand present. He doesn’t saveus from our sins, give us anew nature in Christ, andthen just leave us at themercy of Satan’s deception.

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m The good newsof Jesus Christ isthat He wants to

bring healing andfreedom to those

parts of ourhearts that arewounded and

deceived. n



The apostle John wrote,“The reason the Son of Godappeared was to destroy thedevil’s work” (1 Jn. 3:8).

Remember, one of thedevil’s primary works is tomislead us with deception.That is how he causes thegreatest harm. The goodnews is that Jesus came toput a stop to it—in a deeplypersonal way. He wants tomeet with us in our hurtingand deceived hearts andspeak truth that bringshealing and freedom.

He says to all of us whohave accepted Him as ourSavior, “Here I am! I standat the door and knock” (Rev.3:20). We first invited Himin when we trusted Him tosave us from the penalty of our sins. Now the Lordwants further access intothose places inside of usthat are disappointed andmisled. But He won’t comein unless we invite Him aswe did the first time He met us in our hearts.

Inviting God into thedisappointed and deceivedregions of our hearts is adeeply personal and uniqueprocess. Sometimes it occurs alone in our privatemoments of prayer andreflection. At other times it happens in the presenceof a caring friend orspiritual advisor. Some of us experience healingsuddenly, while most of uscome to know it gradually.God will ask many of us torevisit a wound more thanonce to bring a deeper senseof healing. While it’s neverquite the same for everyone,let’s look at what is ofteninvolved as we move towardhealing and freedom.

We Need To WakeUp. It all starts with seeingwhat’s really been going on in our disappointingexperiences. The apostlePaul put it like this: “Wakeup, O sleeper, . . . . becausethe days are evil” (Eph.5:14,16). He stressed a

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similar idea when he wrote,“The hour has come for youto wake up from yourslumber” (Rom. 13:11).

Wake up. That has been the point of the firstpart of this booklet. We mustrecognize what is actuallyhappening to us in ourdisappointment and admit that we’ve played asupporting role in makingthings worse (even thoughwe do not fully understandit). We are then in a betterposition to see our need tosurrender to God and inviteHim into the places of ourhearts where we’ve beendisappointed and deceived.

We Need ToWillingly SurrenderControl. Before we cangive God greater access toour wounded hearts, wemust surrender to Him bygiving up our commitmentto self-reliance and humblypresent ourselves helplessand vulnerable to Him.Peter wrote, “God opposes

the proud but gives grace tothe humble” (1 Pet. 5:5).

We won’t know God’shealing as long as weremain self-sufficient andresort to our old ways ofhandling life. Surrender isputting to death our enemywithin, the sinful flesh thatwants to be in control.Sometimes life can hurt somuch that we are willing totake over and do anythingto end our pain. Surrender,however, is giving up theright to escape our painthrough false comforters.

When we surrender,we’re acknowledging thatwe’ve sinned against God by leaving Him out. We’readmitting that our ways ofmanaging disappointmentdon’t work and that we need God more than ever.

A deeper level ofsurrender will occur in uswhen we admit that He isGod and we are not. Whilewe may struggle with doubtand ask Him many tough

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questions, a sincere prayercan emerge from our heartsthat is similar to the one adisappointed and confusedfather once expressed toJesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”(Mk. 9:24).

We Need To LearnTo Recognize OldDisappointments. Oncewe surrender to God, the old disappointments thatmisled us will start to maketheir way to the surface. Wedon’t necessarily have to gosearching for them. Godbrings the truth of previousletdowns and wounds intoour awareness—or at leastcreates enough of a stirwithin our hearts to get our attention. Let’s consider some of the kinds of situations wherewe can expect to see pastdisappointments emerge.

Present DisappointingExperiences often triggeran old disappointment topush to the surface. A

disappointing event in thepresent often represents aletdown in the past wherewe were misled.

Many of us seem to bedisappointed in the sameway over and over again.Rather than allowing arecurring disappointment toreinforce an earlier lie, wecan start to ask for God tohelp us connect a presentdisappointment to the firsttime we experienced it.

One woman recognizedthat her husband’soccasional failure to keep his promises triggeredearlier feelings ofdisappointment that wentback to being repeatedly letdown by her father. As shenoticed the connectionbetween her past andpresent letdowns, she beganto see that her greateststruggle was not with herhusband. It was with whatshe was misled to believeabout men from a fatherwho rarely kept his word.

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Moments OfTemptation can also causeearlier disappointments toshow up. Not all temptationsare connected to a pastdisappointment or lie,but many are. When we arebeing tempted to turn to ourfalse comforters, we can domore than just resist. We can evaluate the temptationto see if it is a sign of awounded and deceived placeinside our heart where Godwants to meet us.

One woman who beganto look below the surface ofher temptation to overeatstarted to see that she wasusing food to cover a lifelongdisappointment in herself.Her husband had left heryears earlier for anotherwoman and she blamedherself entirely for theaffair. Abusing food was how she buried her feelingsof self-contempt, but thetemptation also gave her achance to be honest abouther history of being left and

how it was deceiving her.One man realized a

direct link between his urge to have anonymous sex and the pain of havingan uncaring family. Ratherthan give in to thetemptation and settle for another visit with acounterfeit comforter, hebegan to see his temptationas an opportunity to behonest about a disappointedand misled place inside him.

Feelings Of Angertoward ourselves or othersare often a strong indicationof past hurt. A careful lookat our anger will oftenreveal that it is a coverupfor a deep disappointment.

As we reflect on timeswhen we’ve lost our temperor felt ourselves seethinginside, we need to lookclosely at our anger and askGod to help us understandwhat it’s telling us aboutthe wounds in our heart.For instance, one man whofound himself getting angry

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whenever his wife wouldanswer for him began torecognize that underneathhis anger was an old woundthat left him feeling weakand inadequate.

We Need To Spend Time In OurDisappointed Places.Old disappointments canshow up in a number ofways. Jesus may take us toan earlier disappointmentthe way He took Peter backto the night he denied Jesusthree times (Jn. 21:15-17).Jesus reminded him of hislowest moments to reaffirmHis confidence in him.

We need to linger in our disappointed places,however they come up, sowe can learn from them. Wemay have to set them asidetemporarily so we can fulfillour daily responsibilities,but we must make it a pointto come back to them.

It isn’t easy for any of usto spend time in the placeswhere disappointment has

paid us an unwelcome visit. We will be tempted to cover it over with angeror soothe it with a falsecomforter. Many of us would prefer to shove ourdisappointment back downand pretend that it nolonger exists. But we can’tinvite God into parts of ourlives where we won’t stayourselves. Healing can occuronly if we remain in them.

We must spend timewith the painful memoriesand emotions. Sometimesthe memories are about aspecific incident that isstamped with a date andtime. At other times it isjust a gut feeling that isn’t attached to any oneparticular event. Whateveris stirred up, we need togive it a name and feel our disappointment. Weshouldn’t hurry throughthis. We need to slow downand let ourselves thinkabout, describe, and feel the hurt.

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One effective way to keepfrom rushing through ourpainful places is to writedown what we are feeling.It forces us to pay attentionto thoughts and emotionsthat we rarely make timefor. It can help us begin torecognize the lies we’vebeen told and how we holdon to them. Journalingmakes whatever is beingstirred up inside of us realand encourages us toengage it with our heartand not simply with ourhead.

As we make it a priorityto spend time in ourdisappointment, we mayalso need to enlist the helpof a caring friend or aChristian counselor to keepus on track. God doesn’twant us to bear our burdensalone (Gal. 6:2). Others canhelp by listening, sharinghonest feedback, praying,and telling us when we veertoo far from the place weneed to be.

We Need ToInvite God Into OurUnhealed Places.Waking up, surrenderingcontrol, learning torecognize olddisappointments,and spending time in ourdisappointment is a goodstart, but we must gofurther. We also need to ask God to come into thoseunhealed places inside of usand surround us with Hispresence and truth. We needto ask Him to help us seemore clearly the lies we are holding on to that we’velearned in the midst of our disappointment. Anythought that makes us feelcondemned or believe thatwe’ve lost our ultimatesecurity and significance is another lie.

It’s important to ask Godto speak to us in our placeof need. He desires toanswer His children whenthey humbly cry out to Himfor help:

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This is what theSovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel,says: “In repentance andrest is your salvation, inquietness and trust isyour strength, but youwould have none of it. . . .” Yet the Lord longs to be gracious toyou; He rises to show you compassion. . . .How gracious He will be when you cry for help!As soon as He hears,He will answer you (Isa. 30:15,18-19).God speaks to us more

than we realize. He speaksto us primarily through Hiswritten Word. But He canalso speak to us throughother people, music, books,movies, a card or letter froma friend, and many othersources. As we invite Godinto our wounded anddeceived places, we must be open to any way Hewants to use to show uswhat is true.

We Need To ListenTo What God Is Saying.Listening to God is anintimate experience. It is a vital part of our personalrelationship with Him.Jesus said, “He who belongsto God hears what Godsays” (Jn. 8:47). Later Hesaid, “My sheep listen to My voice” (10:27).

Listening to God doesn’tmean that we are going tohear an audible voice. Wewill hear Him speaking to usin our hearts. We will sensea “gentle whisper,” a “still,small voice” of the Spirit.The apostle Paul said, “TheSpirit Himself testifies withour spirit that we are God’schildren” (Rom. 8:16). Godwhispers to us from HisSpirit to our spirit—heart to heart.

How can we know if it isGod speaking to us? God iscertainly not going to tell usanything that is contrary to,or add to, what He’s alreadysaid in the Bible. We must

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evaluate any idea orimpression that comes to us by comparing it withthe truth of the Bible. Andwe need to reject anythingthat contradicts or draws us away from the wisdom of His written Word and the love of Christ.

Another way we canmeasure whether or notGod is speaking to us is bywhat or where it leads us to.If what we hear leads us tofeel discouraged or feeds abitter attitude, it is not fromGod. If we sense somethingthat justifies turning to a false comforter or awayfrom depending on God, it isanother lie from our enemy.But any thought that leadsus to walk away from ourfalse comforters or teardown the walls that keep us from God and others is of God.

Hearing God speak issomething that many of usaren’t accustomed to. Butour ability to listen and

distinguish Him from whatis merely a random thoughtor another lie can grow overtime. The more we becomefamiliar with His writtenWord and remain open tohowever He chooses tospeak, the better we are able to recognize Him whenHe is speaking to us.

While there is no way tocapture all that God mightsay to us, we can know forcertain that His message is true—not like the falsemessages the evil one andhis demonic forces havewhispered to us in ourdisappointment. As thepsalmist expressed, “SurelyYou desire truth in the innerparts; You teach me wisdomin the inmost place”(Ps. 51:6).

Many of us may know inour heads the sort of thingsGod wants to say to us,but it’s like understandingthem for the first time when He speaks to ourheart. However He chooses

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to impress our heart withthe truth, having it comefrom Him makes all thedifference. As we learn topay attention to what He has to say, we can reject the lies that haveheld us captive and remindourselves of the truth. Jesussaid that as we believe whatHe is saying to us, we “willknow the truth, and thetruth will set [us] free”(Jn. 8:31-32).

As we open our heart tohear God speak, the truthcan begin to sink in. It willwash over us in a way thatis undeniable and freeing.We can begin to experiencewhat the book of Proverbsspeaks of:

The Lord gives wisdom;from His mouth comeknowledge andunderstanding . . . . Whenwisdom enters yourheart, and knowledge ispleasant to your soul,discretion will preserveyou; understanding will

keep you, to deliver youfrom the way of evil(Prov. 2:6,10-12 NKJV).When we are listening

carefully to God, the truth of how we’ve wronglyresponded to disappointmentoften sinks in more deeply aswell. The part we’ve playedin hurting others andmaking things worse forourselves becomes clearer tous. Although the truth of itall deeply saddens anddisappoints us, we don’t feelcondemned, because oncewe’ve confessed our sin thetruth of God’s forgivenessand cleansing sinks in (1 Jn. 1:9). We more deeplyunderstand what Paulunderstood in the midst ofhis own struggle with sin—that we are not condemned(Rom. 8:1) or defined by oursin (Rom. 7:20). While we are fully responsible forattitudes and choices wemake from our sinful flesh,the core of our heart isredeemed and made new.

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The War Rages On

TThe way of healing and freedom does not spare us from

further disappointment.Nor does it protect us frombeing lied to again. We arestill in a war—a spiritualwar. It’s the war of all theages—the war betweengood and evil.

We don’t choose this war.The war chooses us. Like itor not, we are born into it.Our lives are lived out onthe stage of this ultimatebattle between the forces of heaven and hell. And we,the ones who bear the gloryand image of God, are whatthe forces are fighting over.

While it’s true that thedeath and resurrection ofJesus delivered a fatal blowto Satan, the war isn’tover—not by a long shot.And we can’t afford toignore that we are in it.We must remember

who our deadliest enemy isand stay alert.

Remember WhoYour Greatest EnemyIs. We need to avoid fallinginto another one of Satan’straps by obsessing abouthim. But we don’t want to ignore him either,because most of the lieswe’ve been taught in ourdisappointment ultimatelycome from him. We mustrecognize him for the fierceenemy he is, for withouthim we wouldn’t be in awar. Remember, Jesus said

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m While it’s truethat the death

and resurrectionof Jesus delivered

a fatal blow toSatan, the war

isn’t over—not bya long shot. n



that Satan is the one who isdetermined “to steal and killand destroy” (Jn. 10:10).

Our greatest enemy isnot disappointment. Ourreal fight is not with people or a world that lets us down. It’s not with a corrupt politicalsystem or a culture that haslost its moral compass. Andit is most certainly not withGod, even though it cansometimes seem like it.The apostle Paul made it

clear that our real fight iswith Satan and his forces of evil and darkness:

Our struggle is notagainst flesh and blood,but against the rulers,against the authorities,against the powers of this

dark world and againstthe spiritual forces of evilin the heavenly realms(Eph. 6:12).Stay Alert. After

talking about the spiritualwar we all find ourselves in, Paul said, “With this inmind, be alert” (Eph. 6:18).Peter echoed Paul’s warningto “be . . . alert” (1 Pet. 5:8).

In the book Wild AtHeart, John Eldredge wrote:

Behind the world and the flesh is an even moredeadly enemy . . . one werarely speak of . . . . Yetthis is where we livenow—on the front linesof a fierce spiritual warthat is to blame for mostof the casualties you seearound you and most ofthe assault against you.It’s time we prepareourselves for it (p.155).Be prepared. We’ve been

ambushed before in ourdisappointment, but now weunderstand what to expect.Watch for it. We will still

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m Our real fight iswith Satan and his

forces of evil anddarkness. n



continue to experiencedisappointment and weshould expect more attacks.The world will continue toseduce us away from Godwith half-truths. The fleshwill keep pulling us toforget God and take over.And the ringleader, Satan,will keep trying to deceiveus with more lies aboutourselves, life, and God.

We need to be looking forthe lies. Some will sound sofamiliar. Remember thatmany of our negative, bitter,or self-defeating thoughtsare not just coming fromwithin us. And with thepower Jesus gave to us wecan “resist the devil” and hewill “flee from” us (Jas. 4:7).

Every time I see a movieabout the attack on PearlHarbor in December of1941, I’m struck by howdifferent that day mighthave turned out if theUnited States military had known it was coming.Imagine the outcome if

the sinking of the Japanesesubmarine the morning ofthe attack would havetipped them off. What ifthey had not mistaken themassive waves of planesthat appeared on the radarfor their own B-17 bombers?

How might that fatefulday have been different? We will never know. Butwhen it comes to the greatwar we are in, we do knowthis: Our enemies haveattacked us before in ourdisappointment and theywill do it again. And if weremain unprepared, we willbe caught off guard and betaken out again. That iswhy we need to stay alert.

Knowing that we havebeen lied to before, and will be lied to again, doesn’ttake away the pain ofdisappointment. But itreminds us to combat thelies in the power of ourrisen Lord (1 Jn. 4:4) so thedevil doesn’t gain a footholdin our lives (Eph. 4:28).

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ADDITIONALRESOURCES

Disappointment With God by Philip Yancey(Zondervan, 1988).

The Sacred Romanceby Brent Curtis and JohnEldredge (Nelson, 1997).

The Screwtape Lettersby C. S. Lewis (MacmillanPublishing).

Shattered Dreams byLarry Crabb (WaterbrookPress, 2002).

Waking The Dead byJohn Eldredge (Nelson,2003).

OTHER RELATEDRBC BOOKLETS

Self-Esteem—what theBible says about self-respectand self-acceptance (Q0503).

What In The World Is Satan Doing?—understanding Satan andhis strategies (Q1001).

When Anger Burns—dealing with angry emotions (CB942).

When Help IsNeeded—a biblical view of counseling (CB931).

When Hope Is Lost—dealing with depression(CB973).

When We Don’tMeasure Up—escaping the grip of guilt (CB971).

When We Just Can’t Stop—overcomingaddiction (CB961).

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The complete text of all theRBC booklets is available atwww.discoveryseries.org

Author Jeff Olson is a licensedcounselor in Michigan andworks for the RBC biblicalcorrespondence department.

Managing Editor: David Sper

Cover Photo & Design: Terry BidgoodScripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®.Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 byInternational Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.Copyright © 2004 RBC Ministries,Grand Rapids, MI Printed in USA



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When Disappointment Deceives · such evidence, they feel disappointment, betrayal, and often guilt”(p.9). Disappointment will pay an unwelcome, painful visit to any part of our

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