whattosay

What to saywhen people

s e lw y n h ug h e s

NEED HELP

What to say when people need help.indd 3 16/2/09 13:50:11

Copyright © CWR 1977, 1982, 2004, 2009

First published by CWR 1977 as The Christian Counsellor’s Pocket Guide.Revised edition published 1982 by Kingsway Publications. Reprinted 1983, 1985, 1986, 1988, 1991, 1994, 1995, 1998.Published 2004 as The Pocket Guide for People Helpers, by CWR, Waverley Abbey House, Waverley Lane, Farnham, Surrey GU9 8EP, UK.Registered Charity No. 294387. Registered Limited Company No. 1990308.This revised edition published 2009 by CWR.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture references are from the Holy Bible: New International Version (NIV), copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, by the International Bible Society.

Other versions used:AV = Authorised Version GNB = Good News Bible © American Bible Society 1976NKJV = New King James Version, © 1982, Thomas Nelson Inc.Phillips = The New Testament in Modern English by J. B. Phillips, © J. B. Phillips 1958TLB = The Living Bible © Tyndale House Publishers 1971

Concept development, editing, design and production by CWRPrinted in Finland by WS BookwellISBN 978-1-85345-514-8


Be sure to use the abilities God has given you … Keep a close watch on all you do and think. Stay true to what is right and God

will bless you and use you to help others.1 Timothy 4:14–16 TLB


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Helping people with their problems is not just the task of professional counsellors – it is the commission of every Christian also, albeit of course at a different level. Almost every day of our lives we find ourselves confronted by someone who has a problem, a marriage difficulty perhaps, the loss of a loved one, a desperate prayer that seems to go unanswered, a f inancial difficulty, betrayal, a serious sickness, lack of spiritual growth ... and what can we say?

Every Christian is encouraged in Scripture to have a practical and sacrificial concern for others. James tells us, ‘Now what use is it, my brothers, for a man to say he “has faith” if his actions do not correspond with it?' (James 2:14, Phillips). A similar thought is expressed in Philippians 2:4, ‘Don’t just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and in what they are doing’ (TLB). In 1 Thessalonians 5:11 we are told to ‘encourage each other to build each other up’ (TLB), and in Galatians 6:2 we are commanded to ‘Share each other’s troubles and problems, and so obey our Lord’s command’ (TLB).

Answering questions and helping people from a Christian perspective is ultimately guiding people to what God has to say about the situation in His Word, the Bible. We are told in 2 Timothy 3:16 that the breath of God has gone into the compilation of the Bible and it is, therefore, a ‘God-breathed book’. ‘All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness ...’ We see also that the breath of God has gone into the creation of man, ‘the Lord God ... breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being’ (Gen. 2:7). The same breath that went into the making of man has gone into the making of the Bible, for it was God’s intention that the Scriptures should become the reference book for mankind’s continued spiritual and psychological development on this earth.

What can I say that Would really help?


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It is always helpful when you pray with someone in difficulty, but how much more helpful it can be when you are able turn to an appropriate passage from God’s Word, the Bible, and thus assist them in getting God’s perspective on the matter. It is to help towards this end that this book you now hold in your hands has been produced.

Note, however, that the biggest single mistake people make when trying to help someone who is in spiritual difficulty is to turn too quickly to the Scriptures. Does that surprise you? If there is one thing I have learned over fifty years of helping people with their problems it is that people in difficulty don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care. So take a little time to understand the problem by asking relevant questions until all factors are understood. Then share with the person concerned something of your sympathy and concern for him or her personally before attempting to give a biblical perspective on the situation.

Some years ago, a Christian group in the USA, who wanted to establish a large youth camp ministry for pre-teens, advertised for ‘camp counsellors’ to be in attendance, to come alongside those who wanted to share any problem they were struggling with and give them words of advice and encouragement. ‘Camp counsellors’ are those in their late teens who have a heart for working with pre-teens and make themselves available, without payment, for this purpose.

In response, 3,001 young men and women applied for the role but only around 100 were needed. So to get down to a short list the camp organisers asked each of the applicants this question: ‘If a young person said to you: “I’m tired of pleasing my parents. Nothing I do seems to be right. I’m about ready to give up”, how would you proceed?’

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Following this, 2,893 were rejected when they said that the first thing they would do is attempt to give advice and explain to the young person concerned how he or she should react to the situation. The other 108 said that before giving advice they would first attempt to identify the feeling that underlay the person’s struggle and seek to identify with that. They were the ones who were taken on for the task.

Research has shown that tuning into a person’s feelings and empathising with the dominant problem feeling, is one of the most encouraging things one can do. To miss the feelings is to miss the person. Encouragement must always precede exhortation. Let this thought dominate your thinking whenever you set out to try and help someone – you cannot exhort an un-encouraged person. And there is no greater encouragement than showing that you understand something of what the person is feeling by identifying that feeling. In that way you build a bridge of empathy between your heart and others’ hearts which makes them more receptive to any advice you have to offer.

Not every question or problem you will come across, of course, is covered in this book, but the ideas you will glean from it will encourage you to come up with your own scriptural answers, following the format contained in this publication.

One final thing; this time a word of caution. One of the most important aspects of helping people and answering their deep questions is to recognise when you are out of your depth. This is a matter that cannot be too strongly emphasised. You should always be ready to refer the person you are trying to help to someone more experienced than yourself whenever you feel that the problem is outside the limits of your own insight or experience.

I promise you people will not feel rejected when you refer them to someone else if you preface your remarks with the statement,


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‘I want to help you, but I can’t answer your question and your problem is beyond the limits of my ability and experience. I would like therefore to introduce you to someone whose experience is greater than mine in this matter and who will, I feel sure, be able to help you much better than I can.’

May God bless you as you give yourself to the great and important task of helping others.

Selwyn Hughes


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Section A


This first section deals with sixteen problems which are often raised by Christians, and contains suggestions on how to deal with these difficulties, together with Scripture references that relate to the particular situation. You will soon discover that as you begin to use these simple suggestions, you will be able to expand on them and build up additional insights and Scripture references. Remember always to pray with a brother or sister who is in difficulty: this will help more than you could ever imagine.Although at one time the major responsibility for counselling and helping Christians with their spiritual problems rested upon ministers and members of the clergy, something of a revolution is taking place within the Body of Christ as believers are beginning to see the truth of every-member ministry.More and more Christians are realising that every Christian has a ministry within the Body of Christ, and part of that ministry is to encourage and support each other in times of personal trouble or difficulty.

God has put together the body in such a way that extra honour and care are given to those parts that might otherwise seem less important. This makes for happiness among the parts, so that the parts have the same care for each other that they have for themselves. If one part suffers, all parts suffer with it, and if one part is honoured, all the parts are glad.

1 Cor. 12:24–26 TLB

Section A

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13

I AM TrouBled By wronG ThouGhTS a1

I AM eASIly upSeT a2

I AM noT GrowInG SpIrITuAlly a3

I hAve An InferIorITy coMplex a4

I AM depreSSed a5

I feel I AM A fAIlure a6

I AM ATTrAcTed To MeMBerS of The SAMe Sex a7

My MArrIAGe IS BreAKInG up a8

I worry ABouT everyThInG a9

I hAve loST A loved one a10

I hAve dIffIculTy In MAKInG frIendS a11

I fInd IT hArd To prAy a12

I hAve douBTS ABouT My SAlvATIon a13

I hAve coMMITTed A TerrIBle SIn a14

I fInd IT dIffIculT To forGIve a15

I InTend To coMMIT SuIcIde a16

chrIstIan proBleMs


… whatever is true, whatever is noble ... right ... pure ... lovely ... admirable ... excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

Phil. 4:8

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Col. 3:2

To the pure, all things are pure ... Titus 1:15

let this mind be in you, which was also in christ Jesus. Phil. 2:5, AV

you will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Isa. 26:3

Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them ... 1 Tim. 4:15, NJKV

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BIBle readIngs


Be careful to point out to those with this problem that wrong thoughts in themselves are not sin. ‘We can’t stop the birds flying over our heads,’ said one theologian, ‘but we can stop them building nests.’ Evil thoughts only become sin when the mind fondles them, nurtures them and continues to hold on to them. Encourage people not to repress the thoughts, that is push them down into the subconscious, but to lift them up to God in praise. Though at first this might sound like a very unspiritual technique, it does in fact work. For if we push wrong thoughts into our subconscious mind and try to bury them there, these thoughts are not buried dead – they are buried alive. They continue to work in the subconscious in different ways. So we lift them to God. But why praise God for evil thoughts? Isn’t that going too far?

See how this principle works in the life of a Christian familiar with the technique. One day he is going down the road thinking of nothing in particular when a wrong thought enters his mind. Instantly he brings that wrong thought to God in an attitude of praise. He says, ‘Thank You, Lord, for this wrong thought, because through it my attention is being drawn to You; it has become a stepping stone which is making me more aware of Your presence and Your love in my life.’ If people can also be encouraged to spend a little time in reading the Scriptures as well, then wrong thoughts will serve to deepen their fellowship and communion with the Lord. You can be sure that if Satan is responsible for sending the wrong thoughts, he will soon give up, because the last thing he wants to do is divert a believer’s attention to his heavenly Father.

I am troubled by wrong thoughts A1

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Section B


The winning of a soul to Jesus Christ is the greatest joy known to man. Unfortunately, comparatively few Christians are equipped to deal with earnest enquirers, and fewer still are able to answer the honest doubts of a seeking soul.The following section deals with twelve problems often raised by the unconverted, and contains also some helpful suggestions and Scripture references to use when dealing with these problems.These suggestions are not given so that you can demonstrate to the unconverted your intellectual or spiritual superiority. No one is won into the kingdom of God by being beaten in an argument. Be loving, persuasive, and share the truth with a genuine concern for the other person’s spiritual wellbeing.

If anybody asks why you believe as you do, be ready to tell him, and do it in a gentle and respectful way.

1 Pet. 3:15 TLB

Section B

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I AM Too GreAT A SInner b1

I’ll decIde one dAy – BuT noT TodAy b2

I'll never Be ABle To MAInTAIn IT b3

I've AlwAyS BelIeved In JeSuS b4

God IS Too Good To Send Anyone To hell b5

There Are Too MAny hypocrITeS In The church b6

I've TrIed Before BuT fAIled b7

I hAve Too Much To GIve up b8

I don'T BelIeve The BIBle b9

I'M JuST noT InTereSTed In AnyThInG relIGIouS b10

I’ve coMMITTed The unpArdonABle SIn b11

I do My BeST – ISn’T ThAT Good enouGh? b12

dIffIcultIes of the unconverted

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Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow ...Isa. 1:18

‘for the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.’ Luke 19:10

‘... I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners ...’ Matt. 9:13

... christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners – of whom I am the worst.

1 Tim. 1:15

everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Rom. 10:13

‘... everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.’

Acts 10:43

‘Behold! The lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!’ John 1:29 NKJV

BIBle readIngs

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When attempting to help those who have made this or a similar statement, never give the impression that their sins are not great. Sin is an offence to God and should never be minimised. Say something like this: ‘There can be no doubt that God looks upon sin as something repulsive to His holy nature, but because He loves each one of us with an unconditional love He has thought up a way by which sin, however bad and evil it is, can be forgiven.’

Open your Bible at Isaiah 53:6 and invite those you are dealing with to read the verse out loud. Then ask the question: ‘What does this verse say God has done with sin?’ The answer of course is quite plain – He has laid it upon Christ. If they are slow in seeing this truth, or hesitant to respond, use the following illustration. Take a book (or any other object) in your hand and say, ‘Let this book represent your sin, my left hand represent you, and my right hand represent Christ.’ Place the book (or object) on your left hand and ask, ‘Where is your sin now?’ Encourage the answer, ‘On me.’ Then place the book on your right hand (the hand which represents Christ) and ask, ‘Where is your sin now?’ The answer of course is that the sin is on Christ. Follow up this illustration by pointing them to some of the scriptures opposite which show that Christ has paid the penalty for every human sin. John 1:29 and Acts 10:43 are particularly helpful here.

Another helpful insight to use is to show people that although they consider themselves to be great sinners, they cannot claim to be the greatest sinner. Paul claimed that in 1 Timothy 1:15. And if the greatest sinner has been saved then salvation is possible for every other human being.

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i am too great a sinner B1


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