WePay XLT Communication Workshop

Effective Communication

Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla August 25, 2015

Who are we?

Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of Flixster (Acq by WB, 2011)

Previously…• VP Product @ Edusoft (Acq by Houghton-Mifflin)• Co-founder @ CoreMetrics (Acq by IBM)• Co-founder @ QApro (Failed completely)

Joe GreensteinCofounder of InnerSpace

Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell

Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer

Science

Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace

Who are you?

First Exercise

Topics for Today

• What makes an effective leader?• What makes an effective team?

Format: Learn together, not talk at you

With special thanks to…

We will…– Give you our best– Take breaks– End on time

What else would be helpful for you?

Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

We ask you to…

Respectconfidentiality

Photo by Vox Efx [link]

Working Agreements

We ask you to…

Challenge yourself

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Working Agreements

We ask you to…

Minimizedistractions

Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]

Working Agreements

Photo by Luz Adriana Villa [link]

We ask you to…

Wait for breaks &Return on time

Working Agreements

We ask you to…– Challenge yourself– Respect confidentiality– Minimize distractions– Wait for breaks & return on time

Can we all commit to this?

Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]

Disclosure & Vulnerability 40 mins

Team & Culture 40 minsBreak 10 mins

Feedback & Influence, part 1 60 mins

Break 10 mins

Feedback & Influence, part 2 50 mins

Closing 10 mins

TOTAL ~4 hrs

Agenda

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponsesReality #3

The Net

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Everyone feels them; we just pretend we

don’t.

Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out

half the story.

Emotions indicate importance. Most

powerful motivator?

They are an early warning

system

Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me

Disclosure & Vulnerability

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

We are constantly making the choice of letting our self be more fully known

Self-Disclosure

Vulnerability

“I define vulnerability as

the expression of

uncertainty, risk, and

emotional exposure.”

Vulnerability

Authentic Leaders

“The single factor distinguishing top quartile

managers from bottom quartile managers was

strength of affection – both given & received – with

their team.”

--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry

Authentic Leaders

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

• Build connection, trust• Repair distortions• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to connection.

2. Effective leaders form strong connections.

Conclusion: Consider being more open.

The Bottom Line

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Team & Culture

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

What Makes an Effective Team?

1. Participation2. Collaboration3. Cooperation (Commitment)

Research: All of these are correlated to Group EQ

“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

“I’m starting to feel defensive”

Inward (my emotions)

Outward(others’ emotions)

Emotional Awareness

Emotional Management

(“Regulation”)

“He seems to begetting agitated”

• Take a deep breath• “Could you give me a sec?”• Take a walk

“Are you ok?”

EQ (Individual)

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Inward (Our Team)

Outward(Other Teams)

Emotional Awareness

EQ (Group)

Emotional Management

(“Regulation”)

High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group

Group norms determine group EQ

Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

Group EQ

Exercise #3

Photo by jm3 [link]

Our Norms

What norms do we have?

What norms do we need?

What can you do as leaders?

Photo by jm3 [link]

Our Norms

Feedback & Influence

Working AgreementsJohari Window

OPEN/PUBLIC

PRIVATE UNKNOWN

I know I don’t know

You know

You don’t know

Reactions/Feedback

Disclosure

BLIND

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?

1. Personal Development2. Team Effectiveness3. Stronger Relationships

Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]

David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?

StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness

SCARF Model

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #1

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #2Common

IMPACTFeelings

ReactionsResponsesReality #3

The Net

The Net (again)

Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

1. Focus on specific, observable behavior2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you3. Do not address my motives or intentions (Do ask about them & listen actively if I choose to share.)

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model

When you do [x], I feel [y].

(and optionally)

The story in my head is… (z)

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…

1. Joe, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about what message that might send to others in the room.

Exercise #4: Introduce Yourselves• Form groups of three• First person has 2 minutes to talk about a topic• Then 2 minutes each of feedback from the other 2

Choose your topic1. Something happening in your team that you feel

strongly about2. Something happening in the company that you feel

strongly about3. Something happening to you personally that you

feel strongly about

A B

C

Exercise #4: Feedback Tips

• What did you notice about the person’s tone or body language? Did they make eye contact?

• What did they say first or emphasize most? What seemed most important? Why?

• What emotions did they convey about their experience?• What did you feel while you were listening?• What stories came up for you?

When you said/did [x], I felt [y].

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Listen and ask clarifying questions– “Can you tell me more about that?”

• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality

– Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback

• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism

– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:

– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost

every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback

• Assume good intent; be curious• Use a soft start

– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is…When you do [x], I feel [y].

• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving

You 1st buddy 2nd buddy

Andrea Corley Johnny K Ping

Chris Hecht Craig Z Holly Z

Chris Riccomini Marcie N Shyam M

Craig Zarmer Chris H Phaedra S

Darryl Chang David C Rich S

David Clarke Darryl C Sankate S

Holly Zhang William M Chris H

Jeremy Milk Joey M Vasusen P

Joey Milano Jeremy M Yvonne C

Johnny Kinder Andrea C Neal R

Marcie Nicholson Chris R Rainier C

You 1st buddy 2nd buddy

Neal Rosenblum Sankate S Johnny K

Phaedra Saylor Raymond Craig Z

Ping Li Yvonne C Andrea C

Rainier Calo Vasusen Marcie N

Raymond Ng Phaedra William M

Rich Steenburg Shyam M Darryl C

Sankate Sharma Neal R David C

Shyam Maddali Rich S Chris R

Vasusen Patil Rainier C Jeremy M

William Metzger Holly Z Raymond N

Yvonne Covello Ping L Joey M

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

• Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area

• Communication & Management– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language choices,

communication style in front of others, transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions

• Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact

others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about? Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?

Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

Challenge Yourself

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net