evolvebrotherhood.com€¦  · Web viewBased on how connected and comfortable you are with the individual, start with informational, move to opinions then finally shared feelings

Week 6Week 6 - Communication

“Everything I want in life, inevitably comes down to an interaction with another person. Communication is my weapon. The more I sharpen this weapon, the more depth I have

in all of my relationships and the more power I have in serving my purpose.,”

Step 1 - Identify your Communication Weakness:

Rank these from: Worst #1 > To best #4

Aspect of Communication Rank

Listening

Self Awareness

Self Expression

Feeling Uncomfortable

Now you know what area to work on - Sharpen that sword with the tools below.

Feeling Uncomfortable/Fearing Rejection:Here are your steps to beginning to overcome this.

1. Cognitively accept that rejection isn’t to do with your value.Think about a time when you didn’t want to associate, or hang out with somebody. Was it because you thought they weren’t a human of value? No, it’s because you didn’t ‘click’ or ‘resonate’ with one another.If people are ever cruel, mean or hurtful, they are literally vocalising their current emotional state and their ‘map’ or ‘paradigm’ out of their mouth. Their projection of THEIR world onto you.When we begin to understand this, we take this far less personally.

2. Pay attention to your negative internal dialogue.Realise it doesn’t have to be believed and isn’t true. It’s simply showing you your beliefs about yourself. Are your thoughts truthful or assumptions and judgements?Eg: In my head I could be thinking “They think I’m an idiot”The truth is, I don’t actually know what they are thinking, these thoughts are telling me how I feel

about/judge myself.

3. Change your physical state - Centre yourself with deep breathing, open your posture, soften your muscles and even bring on a smile if you can. This isn't about ‘faking it’, our body language does influence how we feel, so connect to your body and find open positions that are comfortable for you.

4. Find Focus: Bring your mind onto a focal point or objective in the conversation and genuinely appreciate and listen to the other individual. Make the convo about the objective, not about you!

Self Awareness:1. Observe your thoughts and sensations in your body whilst in communication.

Here are some questions to ‘jog your awareness’“Am I being genuine here?”“Do I believe what I am saying?”“What is the intention behind my words?”

This will let you hone in and notice whenever you drift into negative communication styles such as domination, competitiveness, passive-aggressiveness, people pleasing, etc.

2. Cultivate Self Awareness: We do this alot already. Journal, learn, get a mentor, listen to podcasts, go to workshops, have deep convo’s with people you love. Anything to strip away and bring awareness to who you are at your core.

Self Expression: ‘What is alive in me?’1. Be clear with what you are saying. Make it simple.2. Embody whatever you are feeling so you display it through your body and tone.3. Use stories, metaphors and examples to deliver your points and make things less dry.4. Make it fun, be memorable, why be a robot?

Listening:

1 - Detection

Empathetic listening questions (You can use any infinite numbers of variations of these, don’t be a robot)● You are (insert observation), is that true?

EG: You are upset because I didn’t show up on time, is that correct?● It seems like…?● So what you’re saying is…?

Paraphrasing: You rephrase what they are saying back to them to confirm you are understanding and so they felt listened to. Statement, not question.

Eg: “Man today has been really busy, I was under the pump from my boss and I encountered so many stupid customers who had it out for me”Eg Your response: “You’ve had a tough day hey, sounds exhausting”

Reflecting: Reflect their last words back to them, then give them space to continue.Eg them “I had a hard day at work and I was just running out of time”Eg your response “So you were running out of time… (silence)”

2 - Projection:

Showing the other person you are listening.

Hold the intention of ‘sacred’ listening. This means they have your complete attention. Your intention is to give them your complete awareness and make sure you understand. This will naturally be shown through your body language if you hold on to this intention.

3 - Direction:

Unlike detection, which is clarification questions, direction questions are those that create the opportunity for further discussion.

Open ended questions: Not a yes/no, single word answer. Consider questions on the major categories of life:Work, relationships, hobbies, fun, how they have spent their time.

This ‘opens’ the conversation and gives the other individual an opportunity to take the conversation to a place they are comfortable.

Probing Questions: (Close ended questions:)

If open ended questions ‘open’ a conversation, close ended conversations, narrow or close down the field of answers for an individual. If you want to get more personal with somebody, move the conversation and then find their feelings on that topic.

There are infinite variations on how you can phrase these, the point is the CONTENT of the question. In time we want to move from information to opinions to feelings and shared experiences.

Based on how connected and comfortable you are with the individual, start with informational, move to opinions then finally shared feelings and experiences.

If you can take the convo to ‘level 3’ you will have the most depth of connection, but you musn’t rush there if the connection hasn’t been built.

Level 1. Informational - Can I ask you something about this?Level 2. Opinions - What are your thoughts on that? (Find shared opinions/values)Level 3. Feelings/Experiences - How do you feel about this? Oh wow, what was your experience like? Tell me

your story about that? Here was my experience and how I felt. I feel you there.

Difficult Conversations:People get emotional when they are unsafe, this gives us compassion.

We want to ‘restore’ the safe space we created by first of all letting the person know your intentions, listening and givign them space until they feel comfortable, then restoring the conversation back to a shared objective where you are contributing together for whatever collective objective you both have.

1. Clearing up the messContrasting - When someone misinterprets what you have to say:“I didn’t mean this, I did mean this”Apologies - When what you said, even if you weren’t ‘trying’ to hurt the other person, hurt them.

2. Empathising

So they FEEL you listening and not denying, rejecting or judging their emotions.Listen with your body, seek to understand them, give them space to express themselves, don’t compromise your boundaries in this process.

Once they feel understood, restore the conversation.

3. Shared Objective

Remind the individual of what you are both talking about or working towards.

Eg: If you’re having an argument.

You could both be triggered and not get anywhere. You recognize this, and apologise immediately for the fact that emotions came over you and you started directing them at your partner.

You then listen to her, genuinely, with all of your heart until she feels felt.

Then you can ask a question to ‘land’ or ‘ground’ the conversation back into a shared objective.

Expressing Your Emotional Needs:

I’ve screenshotted the framework from ‘Non-violent communication’ incredible book

Observation: The actual tangible factual experience

Evaluation:Your assumption or judgement of the factual experience.

It’s important we learn to communicate from OBSERVATION as opposed to EVALUATION.

Eg: My partner says something to me and it upsets me:

Observation: When you said that thing, I felt threatened, and so I closed off and got angry.Evaluation: I hate it when you try to poke my buttons.