Volume 99 Issue 18

FEATURES

See BUDGET | Page 2WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

SPORTS | JESKE WINS MMA BOUT | Page 8

FEATURES | FRANK MASSEY: FBI | Page 6

INSIDE THIS ISSUEWEB-

EXCLUSIVE

CONTENT:

W&N | NUDE FRISBEE TOURNEY | Page 4

NEWS | HUT REPLACEMENT | Page 3

OPINION | FOUNTAINS ALL OVER | Page 7

the GoofordianG u i l f o r d C o l l e g e | w w w . g u i l f o r d i a n . c o m | G r e e n s b o r o , N C

V o l u m e 9 9 , I s s u e 1 8 | M a r c h 2 9 , 2 0 1 3

NEWS

The Guilford College Woods. Smoke drifts through the cool night air. Red-eyed-first-years race towards the Quakeria.

One of this year’s major changes to Guilford’s judicial system is a legalization of small amounts of marijuana for recreational use on campus. Students and faculty will be allowed to have up to half an ounce on their person without a judicial charge.

The new rule will be instituted at the beginning of the Fall 2013 semester. The first year will be a trial run. Students will still be subject to North Carolina laws as soon as they step off-campus.

“It seemed like the right thing to do and the right time to do it,” said Dean of Students and Vice President of Student Affairs Aaron Fetrow. “However, I would like to remind students to take this action with a grain of salt.”

Students caught smoking marijuana outside of their dorms will still be documented, and any paraphernalia found in students rooms will still be confiscated.

“It will be a slow process and will take a lot of getting used to,” said Director of Student Judicial Affairs Sandy Bowles. “But I think allowing marijuana use will let us focus on violent crimes.”

“Smoking weed is wrong, but maybe allowing it would cut down on the use of more dangerous drugs like alcohol,” said Director of Friends Center and Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter. “You can call me a pothole, but don’t call me a pothead.”

Though the new rule will not come into effect until fall, Public Safety officers have decided to begin the process sooner. Students will no longer

SMALL AMOUNTS OF WEED NOW ALLOWED ON CAMPUS

See MARIJUANA| Page 3

BY JOSH BARKERStaff Writer

BIOHAZARD BARES ALL

Frisbee hosts world-wide

naked tourney on campus

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BY LAURA HAYStaff Writer

The zombies are coming, and Associate Professor of English Heather Hayton may be our best hope for survival. An attack by the undead on November 5, 2011 has left many at Guilford wanting to prepare for another inevitable strike. We’re in luck as Hayton teaches classes on zombie apocalypse preparedness and survival.

“I am passionate about teaching zombie survival,” said Hayton. “With the oncoming apocalypse, learning how to survive must become a critical component to the education at Guilford.”

WARNING: DAYS AFTER SPEAKING WITH

THE GUILFORDIAN, HEATHER HAYTON CONTRACTED A RARE

VIRUS. SHE IS NOT WHO YOU THINK SHE IS.

AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Atttttttack

ZOMBIES R

COMING

AND THEY

R COMING

4 U

Samir Hazboun/guilfordian

See ZOMBIES | Page 5

NEWS2 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

be documented for smoking marijuana beginning at this spring’s annual festival Serendipity.

“It will make our jobs a lot easier to start at Serendipity,” said Senior P-Safe Officer John Matthews. “It should also make the transition easier for the students.”

After hearing of the new rule, students immediately started to make plans.

“There will be a quad smoke-in on the Saturday of Serendipity,” said President of Student Community Senate and senior Tim Leisman. “It’s going to be absolutely awesome. I can’t wait.”

WQFS has recently begun attempting to book musical acts for the event.

“So far, we have Guilford’s own Whiskey Fingers,” said WQFS General Manager Kate Schwab. “We’re trying to focus on quality local acts for a change.”

The faculty and staff response to the event has been somewhat mixed.

“I want to remind students that smoking in public or outside will still result in documentation,” said Bowles. “Personally, I’m really not looking forward to that many meetings.”

“I think this supposed smoke-in is an inevitable consequence of the rule change,” said Fetrow. “I may have to join in.”

“I’m going to be hosting a donut-in in The Hut,” said Carter. “It’ll be the healthy alternative. We’ll have glazed donuts and Cheerwine.”

Guilford is now the third U.S. college to legalize recreational marijuana. Warren Wilson College and University of Southern California both passed similar rules in Fall 2012. According to The Princeton Review, even more schools have similar rules on the ballot for the upcoming year.

“I worked really hard to get this passed,” said Leisman. “I love seeing Guilford at the forefront of an important cultural movement again.”

Instead of artfully dodging Public Safety and formulating fantastic excuses, Guilford College students are starting to try to get written up. The issue begs the question of who is to blame: the students, or an overly pleasant judicial process?

In 2005, rap group Geto Boys introduced the “G-Code” to the general population.

One of the most important stipulations of the G-Code is: “We don’t trust in the judicial system, we shoot guns / We rely on the streets, we do battle in the hood.”

In complete and utter ignorance of the G-Code, students are willingly subjecting themselves to judicial charges, even going so far as to cooperate with the sanctioning process.

Senior Ang Styles uses the judicial process as a method of stress relief.

“Between exams and work-study, I was feeling really stressed,” said Styles. “A friend suggested getting written up. The judicial process was great; they listened to all my problems and told me how well I was doing regardless. In the end, we all hugged it out.”

“At first we thought it was just our imagination,” said Director of Student Judicial Affairs Sandy Bowles. “We thought the students were being careless and were too confident that they wouldn’t get caught violating rules and regulations. When the violations started becoming more and more absurd, we realized something out of the ordinary was going on here.”

Some students have had to try more than once before succeeding in being charged.

“The first time, I put a pile of oregano on my desk, next to a scale and some plastic bags,” said sophomore Mary Jane Beasley. “I called Public Safety with an anonymous tip, but when they searched my room, they didn’t fall for the old bait-and-switch.”

Beasley realized she would have to step up her game if she wanted to beat out the competition for judicial charges.

“On my second try, I wasn’t going to let anything go wrong,” she said. “I put fresh batteries in my smoke detector, lit up a blunt of the real stuff and held it in front of a fan pointed at the crack under my door.”

That time, Beasley’s plan worked like a charm.

“It’s a disturbing trend,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “Students want to experience our judicial process so badly, they’re willing to risk their own well-being for a chance at getting charged.

“One of the most common student infractions has always been host responsibility. Now, students are taking it to a whole new level, inviting convicted felons to campus in the hope that they’ll do something to get their hosts written up.”

In coming weeks, school administrators are expected to meet in an effort to find a solution to the problem. Among the proposed solutions are the use of corporal punishment and the establishment of an on-campus detention center.

“This is not how we want students to see the judicial process at Guilford,” said Associate Dean for Campus Life Tammy Alt. “You can call it a hellhole, just don’t call it pleasant.”

Guilford legalizes recreational marijuana useContinue from Page 1

Judicial process so pleasant, students try to get written up

MARIJUANA

On Friday, March 15, Kent Chabotar announced that he would be stepping down as president of Guilford College as of June 30, 2014.

In an interview held later that day, Chabotar discussed his unusual plans for post-retirement life.

“After having devoted more than 40 years of my life to helping prepare students to become responsible adults, I am ready for a change of pace,” said Chabotar. “Being at Guilford and having the opportunity to interact so closely with students has sparked this insatiable desire within me to go back to school to learn something new.”

Despite his Ph.D. in public administration from Syracuse University, Chabotar is resolute in his decision to enroll at Guilford for the Fall 2014 semester.

When asked about the legitimacy of Chabotar’s enrollment as a CCE student at Guilford, Associate Vice President and Dean for Continuing Education Rita Serotkin said, “Well, quite frankly, I can’t find anything that says that Kent can’t earn another bachelor’s degree from Guilford.

“There’s no rule that limits the amount of bachelor’s degrees that one can earn. If he wants to learn something new, who am I to stop him?”

Interestingly, on the same day, Chabotar also announced his pending lawsuit against The Guilfordian for slander and defamation of character in response to the cleverly edited video interview released at the beginning of the month.

Chabotar’s decision to join the study body has sparked quite the controversy among

faculty and administration. “To put it delicately, many of the faculty

members do not want Kent in their classes,” said Associate Professor of Political Science Ken Gilmore. “Personally, I would be delighted to have Kent in my class. I think some of the faculty members are intimidated by him being smarter and definitely better-dressed than they are. Or they simply have a misunderstanding of who he is.”

“I do not want to divert attention away from the teacher,” said Chabotar. “I have been at the center of attention for the last 66 years. And I’ll tell you, it’s a lot of work. Shaking hands, kissing babies, dodging crowds of adoring fans. I am past my prime and ready for a break.”

So if he’s not doing it for attention, then why? What does Kent Chabotar hope to accomplish by returning to school?

Critics of Chabotar believe that he is not willing to accept getting older. They believe that Chabotar seems to want to party with students, to somehow become young again by association.

However, those in support of Chabotar’s decision far outweigh those who oppose it. Students are excited for Chabotar to join the student body, and faculty is excited for Chabotar to be out of the administration.

“I would rather set my hair on fire than have to read one more of Kent’s wordy strategic plans, budgets, renovation color charts or commencement speeches,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow.

When asked about what major he planned on pursuing, Chabotar said, “As of now, I plan to get a Bachelor of Arts in Theater Studies. After all, my presidency has been an amateur act. I’d like to become a professional.”

BY HANNAH WALLERStaff Writer

BY KEVIN ENGLEStaff Writer

KENT CHABOTAR STEPS DOWN AS PRESIDENT

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Guilford President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar announced the construction of the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation Space on Friday, March 15. Construction began Saturday, March 16.

“The Bryan family has been so generous to Guilford, and as long as Joe keeps giving us money, we are delighted to have their name adorn our campus in any way possible as much as humanly possible,” Chabotar said via email interview.

Bryan gifted $11.2 million exclusively for construction of the Relaxation Space, the newest in a recent string of architectural improvements on campus. Planned features for the three-story facility include a solarium, a billiards room, two coffee shops and an indoor Chick-fil-A.

“I’m totally excited about (the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation Space),” said first-year Nicole Tomlin. “I think it will make Guilford seem more modern, and it will attract new students to our school.

“I heard there was going to be a heated swimming pool,” Tomlin added. “I think that would be swag as hell.”

The Relaxation Space straddles Quadrangle Drive, and plans call for a footbridge connecting Bryan, Shore and Founders Hall. Also, its massive size requires the demolition of The Hut, which occurred on the second day of construction.

The Hut will be replaced by the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Koi Pond and Fountain.

“The Hut as we know it has ceased to exist, but we are relocating it,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Aaron Fetrow via phone interview.

“Though the Bryan Relaxation Space is opulent, we want to keep Guilford’s Quaker tradition intact, and part of that tradition is testifying to simplicity. So while the original Hut is gone, we’re keeping the idea of The Hut going.”

Since Bryan reserved his endowment expressly for the construction of the Relaxation Space, no funds were allocated to build a new Hut in its zoned location between the lake and Nathan Hunt Road, soon to be Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Road.

Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter and Initiative-Faith & Practice Gifts Discernment Coordinator Frank Massey have funded the project themselves.

“We’ve been digging for the past week and a half for about twelve hours a day, but to us it’s worth it,” said Massey. “We’ve researched Vietnamese tunneling techniques and bought a bunch of lumber, and we’re really making some progress. We even came up with a nickname for it: The Hutch. Max came up with it.”

“I’m just glad they let us keep the piano,” said Carter.News of The Hut’s relocation sparked mixed opinions from

students.“It’s so far away now, and that pisses me off,” said senior Ted

Jarvis. “I used to go to The Hut all the time, and now I’ve got to

walk all that way to bone without kicking my roommate out.”“I always thought it was really stupid,” said sophomore

Dalton Plumlee. “I mean, what did people do in there anyway, sing hippie songs?”

Though forced from his traditional headquarters for the betterment of the campus, Carter expressed his happiness over the Bryan Relaxation Space and remains in good spirits.

“You can call me Mr. Dig-Hole, but don’t call me Maxxy C,” Carter said as he smudged his beard with red clay while wiping sweat from his face.

SOME NEWS, SOMETIMES3March 29, 2013

“I walked outside, and there it sat: my bike with its tires slashed,” said Guilford College Assistant History Professor and avid bike rider Damon Akins. “It looked like something you would see on a Lifetime movie.”

Akins is not the only one experiencing the pain of a slashed tire. Many students have been coming forward all year reporting bike-tire slashings all around campus.

Junior Mike Hawk says after a long night of doing work in Bauman, he came out to find his bike with both tires sliced open.

Luckily, it did not take long for the criminals to be caught.

After a thorough investigation, Public Safety and the Greensboro Police Department uncovered the culprit.

Bryce Barrows, the head of the campus Bike Shop, confessed to coming up with the plan. Barrows said that with the bad economy, he had to figure out a way to generate business for the struggling shop.

Barrows also confessed that he had accomplices in these horrific crimes: James Shields, director of the Bonner Center for Community Learning, and Kent Chabotar, professor of political science and president of Guilford College.

When Shields was asked to comment on the investigation he had this to say, “You can call me crap hole, just don’t call me a criminal.”

The criminals are facing up 45 hours of community

service. Akins believes this punishment isn’t severe enough for the crime.

“Sometimes in situations like this you have to take the law into your own hands,” said Akins.

Akins set out on a journey to take justice into his own hands. He knew he could not correct this injustice on his own, so Akins decided to ask Assistant Professor of History Phil Slaby, who is known for his infamous death stare and ruthless teaching practices.

“If looks could kill, Phil Slaby would be a mass murderer,” said Professor of German Dave Limburg.

After much deliberation, Slaby and Akins decided the best punishment for Chabotar and Shields would be to serve a semester in Slaby’s Europe in Revolution history class.

“It’s an ugly beast of a class, and I would not wish that punishment on my worst enemy,” said sophomore Carmelitha Whitlock-Almond.

When it came to Barrows, Slaby and Akins knew that the punishment had to be brutal for him to fully understand what he had done. They knew who they had to see, the man that decides everything on campus, Director of Friends Center and Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter.

“We walked into The Hut and there sat Carter, pipe in mouth and hot tea in hand,” said Slaby.

They explained the situation to Carter, and after three calm sips of the tea and two drags of the pipe, Carter came up with the perfect punishment for Barrows.

Barrows will spend the rest of his time at Guilford locked in the basement of the library, grading Slaby’s and Akins’ history papers.

Bryan Relaxation Space to replace totally lame HutBY ANTHONY HARRISON Staff DrunkarD

Design plans for the Joseph M. Bryan Jr. Relaxation Space have already been made; above is the rendered version for the first floor.

Akins solves tire-popping caseBY MICHAEL CASWELLStaff Writer

DID SOMEONE SLASH YOUR TIRES?The Bike Shoppe is here to help!

We at The Bike Shoppe are “glad” to

hear about the capture of the tire-slasher and invite you to bring the

last of your slashed tires here for repair!

HoursMon, Wed, Fri

1–5 a.m.

Manager’s Note:There have been allegations lately claiming The Bike Shoppe is the culprit of the tire-slashing, and we are happy to be “rightfully” proven innocent. However, should P-Safe have messed up, don’t forget we’re always here to make repairs!

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BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: College will officially change name to Joseph M. Bryan Jr. University.

in the Fall.

YOU ARE GREAT4 www.guilfordian.com

Naughty Nathan the Quaker Man gets nabbed smuggling reefer/kush abroad

At 6:35 p.m. on Sunday, March 17, Nathan the Guilford College Quaker Man boarded a flight to visit students studying abroad in Brunnenburg. Unbeknownst to the Transportation Security Administration, Nathan was packed to the brim with high quality marijuana, or, in technical terms, “dank weed.” When he returned on Saturday March 23, he was promptly arrested in a joint TSA and CIA operation.

“You can’t argue with the facts; mascots are bad news for airports,” said TSA screener Ingrid Benson. “Some of these new employees don’t understand that they’re supposed to have mascots remove their heads. Others, well, they don’t want to discriminate.”

To combat the recent financial crisis, a large number of Division III mascots have been smuggling drugs to supplement their schools’ income. Just last month Herm the Lion, mascot for the Old Dominion Athletic Conference’s Eastern Mennonite University Royals, was arrested for attempting to sell bath salts to local coffee shops.

“This represents a growing and disturbing trend,” said Associate Professor of Sports Studies Robert Malekoff. “You’d think that the legalization of performance-enhancing drugs in sports would be good enough for our athletics program, but no. Now our mascots have to smuggle drugs so that we can keep above the red. You can call it a black hole, just don’t call it a solution.”

Student reaction, however, has been positive.

“If what they say Nathan did is true, then more power to the big guy,” said Guilford junior physics major Taylor Seitz. “This

school not only needs money, but publicity. Something like that is sure going to entice prospective students to attend Guilford. It gives the school an air of danger. I like danger.”

While abroad in Brunnenburg, Nathan reportedly sold enough marijuana to “placate all of North Korea,” according to internal CIA reports obtained by The Guilfordian.

“Nathan was a hit with the Dorf Triolians,” the internal reports continue. “They were singing songs and laughing, but it was all just a cover as his contacts snuck up behind him, unzipped his back, and pulled the grass right out of him. They were smart, but we were smarter. All we had to do was arrest him in the States when he returned.”

In the video of the arrest, Nathan appears calm. His expression never changes, and he offers no resistance.

The internal report also makes multiple references to college President Kent Chabotar, implicating him as the true mastermind behind the smuggling. The report details how acquired drug money was funneled to an account Chabotar opened under the name “Spurtz Wahtur” to fund the construction of multiple fountains across campus.

“If you print that, then your (butt) is grass!” said Chabotar in an interview during his open office hours.

Despite this worrying trend, Nathan the Quaker Man seems to have returned to campus unscathed by the ordeal. Under article 4.20 of the Mascot Rights Act, mascots can only be incarcerated until they start to smell — the average period of which is six days.

Nathan was asked to comment on the incident.

“Mmmph phmphmph, mmbubphm,” the mascot said upon his return. “Nthmph ntumguh brrrrrrlig ytth.”

BY JOSH BALLARDStaff Writer

Quakerism now the #1 world religion, Max Carter leads the masses

Biohazard hOsTs NaKeD WoRld TouRnaMent

Adam, Ollie, Bennett, Nate, Keenan, Samir, Merek, Sol, Marcus & Taylor before a match. They feel nakedness helps improve their speed and ability; no clothes = more freedom.

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(World & Nation)

Over the years, Guilford College has welcomed noteworthy speakers, talented musicians and other esteemed guests. Now, the Board of Trustees and Guilford’s Biohazard Frisbee team have invited a new group of visitors that have the potential to attract prospective students and donors alike: international Frisbee players.

Guilford will host an international Frisbee tournament on the weekend of April 19–21, but the unique style of play practiced by Biohazard will set the event apart from the usual Frisbee competitions.

TO SEE THE FULL ARTICLE GO TO: www.guilfordian.com

BY ANNEY BOLGIANOStaff Writer

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Silence is the new international trend as prominent religious world figure Max Carter leads the now most-practiced religion on earth: Quakerism.

Also known as the Religious Society of Friends, Quakerism is a Christian-based religion that believes that the Light of God is in everyone. Friends have a central foundation in the testimony of peace, and they traditionally worship by gathering together and sitting in thoughtful silence.

“I love to sit in silence,” said Max Carter. “I sit for hours every day. It gives me the opportunity to get the dirt out from under my fingernails and review all of the random facts floating around in my head.”

The recently resigned Pope Benedict IX retired after a tragic hip dislocation while twerking in January. Doctors have said he is a very “passionate dancer.”

“They just couldn’t handle my moves,” the Pope told The Guilfordian. “No one has seen a pope like me.”

Since his resignation the world’s interest in religion has taken a turn, and many who previously identified as Roman Catholic

have shifted to the practice of Quakerism.World leaders have named Carter a strong

peace figure. Carter said he is “eager to bring simplicity to the world.”

“I can solve that Israeli-Palestinian thing very easily,” said Carter. “What they need is an ad hoc committee to select a nominating committee to form a discernment committee that can identify what approach might be best in bringing the two regions together,” explained Carter. “After they determine the method, we’ll look into forming a committee to discuss implementing it.”

But not everyone is as optimistic about the transition as Carter.

“This is an outrage,” Pope Benedict IX told GNN. “A Quaker should not be leading global religion. I don’t want some hippie running the Church.”

Moments of silence have replaced the national anthem in 30 countries, including the U.S. Worldwide, all soccer games have begun with at least 10 minutes of silence since Carter’s appointment.

“This kind of publicity is a dream come true for Quakers,” said Carter. “Now we can sit silently out in the open instead of inside each other’s living rooms!”

Economists claim the popularity in

Quakerism could save religious groups millions of dollars if they switch to unprogrammed worship.

Abandoned buildings would serve as an adequate worship space, and the meetinghouse benches used for seating are the same ones that were erected in the 1700s, so no new purchases are required.

However, while Quakerism reaches its all-time high in participation, other religions are declining in support.

Buddhism is being mocked after Snoop Dog changed his name to Snoop Buddha and started making “zen music.”

Several sects of Christianity are facing ridicule after televangelist, pastor and founder of the nondenominational World Changers Church International, Creflo Dollar, used church funds to open a smoothie shop naively named Jesus’s Juice.

“As a Quaker, I consider everyone a friend, and it saddens me to hear of the hardships other religions are facing,” said Carter.

For decades, Quakers have been wrongly identified as hippie, Mennonite or just plain weird according to Carter.

“I am tired of the false labeling,” said Carter. “Heck, you can call me Holy Father, just don’t call me Amish.”

BY JAMIE LUCKHAUSStaff Writer

FEATURES5March 29, 2013

Look out below. Tiny toddlers taking tests: terrifying or terrific? How young is too young?

Guilford College, the Early College and Guilford County schools came to an agreement during the beginning of last semester that the Early College at Guilford should extend its positive benefits to bright young students of all ages. The Really, Really Early College at Guilford, or RRECG, program gives students of any age the opportunity to participate in college classes.

“I think it’s very important not to deprive a child of an opportunity for greater learning based on their age,” said Jessica Jenkins, branch head of the RRECG. “Their incapability to walk or eat solid foods should be accommodated for. Ultimately, if they can do the work, they should be allowed to learn.”

These students have the opportunity to quadruple major and receive up to 20 credit hours a semester if they wish.

“I haven’t had any trouble keeping up with my studies,” said seven-year-old RRECG student Rebecca Barlow, quadruple Mathematics, Physics, Chemistry and Economics major. “Advanced forensic investigations, Policy Formulation and Strategy, Inorganic and Materials Chemistry, Algebraic Structures, Mathematical Physics, and Child/Adolescent Psychopathology are all child’s play.”

“Our success in school was a fait accompli our fastidious parents comprehended from our very birth, so why waste time?” said 3-year-old RRECG student Robin Goodwin. “While we RRECG students preserve a sense of equanimity, the inane college and early college students’ always make impudent remarks. Their prattling drivel always leaves me with

unbearable ennui.“You can call me prepubescent, just don’t call

me sophomoric.”However, the Guilford traditional, CCE

and Early College students aren’t fond of the students in return, especially aggravated by the plans to transform Guilford’s Rugby Pitch into a playground restricted solely for RRECG students.

“Recess is a necessity,” said Jessie Pitta, head of the premature juvenile schooling educational program at Han-Smith University in Harlem to The Guilfordian. “It allows children to explore and learn in ways that enrich their cognitive development.”

The college is developing the playground using funding initially intended to reconstruct the dorms with hot tubs, create a karaoke bar in The Grill and open a nature reserve to house the recently discovered Japanese Dwarf Flying Squirrels transported to Guilford by Japanese exchange student and sophomore Totoro Ototo.

“I can’t believe we’re going to lose the rugby pitch,” said Rugby Team Captain and junior Joshua McKnight. “Especially since they’ve already child-proofed the gym. You can’t really do anything now.”

The cafeteria will be altering its menu to accommodate some of the students’ premature palates, including juice boxes, gold fish, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pudding cups. However, most of the Guilford students haven’t complained about this new addition.

“I think that’s where we really come together,” said senior Guilford student Kyle Privali. “We’re all kids at heart. We all love pudding. We all enjoy naps. When you really think about it, the only thing that separates us from them is about 3 feet in height.”

“They’re really, really short,” said Early College junior Dylan Caskie.

Until now, only two courses were offered: one to first-years, the other to seniors. She avoided making a big deal about them for fear of being thought of as crazy and losing her job.

“Zombies are very real and pose a grave threat to the people on this campus, which is why my classes are so critical,” said Hayton. “You can call me loony, just don’t call me unprepared.”

Unfortunately, many in school think the threat of a zombie attack is just a myth.

“That last ‘attack’ was just a bunch of students goofing around,” said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “Zombies will not attack Guilford, preparedness courses are just ridiculous.”

However, Hayton and students think otherwise.

“I’m really afraid of a zombie attack,” said first-year Josh Parnell. “I don’t know how to handle it. My parents back home are freaking out that I’ll get eaten. The classes should calm our fears.”

In response to the threat of zombie attack, Hayton’s students prepared a survival guide. Included are the types of zombies and how to defeat them. Graduated class members told The Guilfordian exactly what current students need to survive.

“You need to understand what you’re dealing with,” said Zac Hummel ’12. “There are different types of zombies and each has a different method of turning humans into one of

them.”The guide focuses on how to defeat

them.“The most critical element is

destroying the zombie’s head,” said Amy Myers ’12. “You can cut off an arm, slash them with a sword and they won’t stop coming at you. Get the head and they’re no longer a threat.”

According to the guide, the most effective method for successfully eliminating a zombie head is to carefully aim at it with a gun, a bat, a sword or anything that’s handy.

“I don’t think we need so many complicated, involved methods for stopping zombies,” said sophomore Liliya Marshall. “I think you should just throw rocks or something at them and then run like Usain Bolt.”

The guide also lists spots on campus that are safe from zombies, which includes Founders Hall and Dana Auditorium.

The Center for Disease Control also wants citizens to be ready for the wave of the undead and prepared a list of recommendations for surviving the onslaught.

Suggestions include having an emergency kit with food, water, clothing and small tools. Another is locating people to be allies during attacks and preparing an evacuation route.

The zombie apocalypse will be frightening and will test the resolve of everyone on campus. But with Heather Hayton’s preparedness courses, we’ll be ready.

There’s nothing like snuggling with something fuzzy in times of stress.

Now, Guilford has taken that to a new level.

In addition to dog therapy, the College has decided to purchase a troop of nine spider monkeys for the sanity of the students.

“This is really an incredible opportunity for Guilford students to experience biodiversity without even leaving the campus,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar while eating a Pop-Tart.

The quaint creatures will live in Guilford’s natural tree canopy year round.

They were purchased at half-price from an agency that the College has declined to name. Chabotar would only say that details were released on a need-to-know basis.

“This was such a bargain that we just couldn’t turn it down,” said Max Carter, director of the

Friends Center and campus ministry coordinator. “After all of the fish tank brouhaha, we knew it was important to show students that Guilford is using its money wisely.

“What could be more beneficial than spider monkeys? And at half price, no less.”

Rumors have been circulating that Guilford only made the purchase because Elon University bought a crate of angora rabbits to release around the campus.

“Is this a game to you?” Chabotar told The Guilfordian. “We have to outdo those freaking posers, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

Regardless of the reasons behind the administration’s actions, students couldn’t be more excited.

“They’re so adorable,” said Guilford quarterback Matt Pawlowski. “I can’t wait to get my hands on one, and as for catching them? Trying not to fall out of trees will be half the fun.”

To ensure the monkeys have everything they need to thrive

at Guilford, the college hired Professor of Physics and Academic Advising Director Steven Shapiro. Shapiro moonlights at the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro, NC under the assumed name ‘Benny.’

“There is nothing to stop spider monkeys from thriving here except the inappropriate climate, lack of food and incompatible habitat,” said Shapiro. “I’m sure that putting out some fruit and nuts for them will be enough to ensure their survival.”

Shapiro’s terms for advising Guilford were that students not call him by his alias and that he be the one to put out the fruit.

“Call me fruit bowl, just don’t call me Benny,” said Shapiro.

There have been a couple of calls from parents about the danger of students contracting malaria from the monkeys, but Lynn Moseley, Dana professor of Biology, issued a statement assuring parents that there was little to no risk.

“The chances of a student getting bitten are very slim,” Moseley said while petting Frodo, one of the monkeys. “Besides,

malaria’s not so bad. It’s yellow fever you really have to worry about.

“Remember, we place the spider monkeys. We don’t throw them. This will keep them happy.”

When Carter heard about the complaints, he spit his tea across the coffee table in surprise.

“Hold me back, hold me back,” he said while punching his imagined foe. “They should be grateful for everything I went through to maintain the testimony of equality.

“Every student should have the opportunity to be stress free, and this is the ultimate solution.”

Are you kidding me? Kids on campus?BY CHRISTIANNA VAN DALSENStaff Writer

zombies attackZOMBIES

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Guilford purchases therapeutic spi der monkeys for campusBY CHLOE LINDEMANStaff Writer

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Monkeying around with Andrew Jones! Though sometimes it gets too cute to handle, pet therapy has been quite successful.

Imagine the atmosphere of monotony hanging heavily over a boring class you have in King Hall. You are just about to drift to sleep on top of your blank notebook when suddenly you hear the greatest sound in the universe:

Vworp … vworp … VWORP.It is the blessed sound of the

TARDIS. However, everyone else around you keeps saying that it is only the ventilation system.

But now there is evidence that the noise is indeed the famous blue time traveling machine as seen in the BBC series Doctor Who.

“I always thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me after all-nighters,” said senior Adrienne Mattson-Perdue. “Now that other people have heard it too, I know it’s real and I’m excited about it!”

Doctor Who fans, or “Whovians,” all across campus are buzzing with excitement and questions. Who really is this 1000-plus year old Time Lord? Why would he be on campus? How have we not seen him yet?

Clearly, the Doctor has

regenerated into a new form. He could be anyone on campus. The Doctor is notorious for blending in or going completely undercover, particularly at educational institutions.

His regenerations have progressively made him

look younger. Therefore, it is possible he is either disguising himself as a student or younger staff member or instructor.

Most of the administration at Guilford has kept quiet about these recent inquiries and theories. A usually eager interviewee Aaron Fetrow was asked about the Doctor, only to reply with

an alarmed face, “Doctor who?” before rushing back into his office.

President Kent Chabotar seemed to be the only official willing to speak with any sort of frankness with The Guilfordian.

“You can call me a coward, just don’t call me a liar,” he said. “All I can safely say is that if the Doctor is here, then there is certain danger ahead of us.”

There have been subtle signs of this impending danger emerging around campus. In Binford, students have been complaining about mysterious cracks in the walls. Credible, though anonymous, members of the biology department have detected unidentified life forms in the lake. Music majors have been whispering about a drum-like beat consisting of four equal beats echoing throughout Dana Auditorium.

“I can’t focus on any of my other music assignments when I hear it,” said junior music major Taylor Seitz, not realizing that he was drumming that very same rhythm against his lap as he was being interviewed.

“If anything, I think the WiFi being faulty is a sign of trouble,”

said sophomore Patrick Withrow. “Daleks or Cybermen have been know to use that sort of stuff to take over the universe.”

With this impending danger becoming clearer, the search for the Doctor has become crucial. It appears the administration has set its search for the mysterious Time Lord on British students, particularly those with innocuous pocket watches in the case that the Doctor is hiding away as a human for some reason.

No leads or names have been revealed due to a fear of fans within the campus community.

Despite any fears of potential danger, many students still welcome the idea of the Doctor being at Guilford.

“I’m definitely keeping my headphones off for this,” says sophomore Cameron McDowell. “Who knows when I’ll run into the guy?”

Whovians are advised to keep a travel bag handy in the case that you hear the sound of a landing TARDIS and to prepare themselves.

You never know. You may be chosen to begin the journey of a lifetime.

F3ATUR3S6 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Vworp...vworp...VWORP! You need a doctorBY SHELBY SMITHThe DocTor’s companion

“I was sworn to secrecy,” bellowed Frank Massey, IFP gifts discernment coordinator, during a briefing with students and faculty. “The FBI sent me here to investigate paranormal activity. You can call me a crazy a-hole. Just don’t call me a liar.”

It has recently been revealed that our own Frank Massey was hired by the FBI to investigate the ghosts, spirits, angels and demons on our beloved campus.

From the tales of trickery brought about by the little girl in Dana to the spirits who roam the narrow brick pathways of the quad, all have been proven to be true.

“I had no idea,” said Max Carter, director of the Friends Center and campus ministry coordinator. “I mean, I knew Frank was gifted, but I never knew that he was hired by the government to look into our school. It’s shocking news, but honestly I’m more interested in what he’s found while he has been here.”

Most students and faculty are alarmed by this breaking news but are also extremely curious in Massey’s research and what that research has taught him.

“There are spirits that roam this campus and the woods surrounding it,” said Massey. “The FBI sent me here because of the reports that have been sent from this campus in the past. All of these reports are true: the soldier and little girl in Dana, the battle of good versus evil regarding the angels and demons of Dana and New Garden, and the soldiers that roam the woods. If you open your eyes and let your mind be free, you will feel them

and possibly see them as well.” One question that has recently been asked

by the community of Guilford is “What would happen if Frank was not here?”

“If Agent Massey was not sent to Guilford College, the paranormal would be rampant,” said Agent K, chief FBI paranormal investigator. “Your campus would be overrun by ghosts and spirits. They would take over your dorms and your classes and would eventually run your admissions office. Do not think twice about that. Massey is an interpreter for the spirit world, and without him, all would be lost.”

Since we have learned this vital information, the faculty and staff have decided that Frank Massey will never leave Guilford College.

“Of course there are spirits on this campus,” said Aaron Fetrow, vice president for student affairs and dean of students. “I have experienced the paranormal myself, and if Frank is the barrier between the spirit world and Guilford College, he is here to stay.”

The Guilford College community mostly all had the same reaction as Fetrow.

“Frank is a great guy,” stated sophomore Chandler Zirkle. “If he protects our college and is a ‘warrior for Guilford’ — a Quaker warrior of course — then he should just continue his work.”

Massey has since continued his work as an investigator of the paranormal at Guilford and in the Greensboro area, and he continues to find more and more evidence. His evidence is leading in one direction and one direction only; we are not alone in this world, and we have so much to learn.

BY KATY ANDREWSGranD anD Glorious Viceroy

Frank Massey investigates the paranormal

Campus Life staff members Aaron Fetrow, Erin Fox, Tammy Alt, Jim Hood and Steve Moran were caught making a ruckus in the Campus Life office, disturbing everyone trying to work. Therefore, Campbell House members James Copp, Daniel Fulbrect, Zachary Kronisch and James O’Neill banned all further Campus Life parties.

CAMPBELL HOUSE BANS CAMPUS LIFE PARTIES

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Hello, sweetie. Have you seen any signs of the Doctor’s presence? Please let The Guilfordian know on our Facebook page or on our website!

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OPINION7March 29, 2013

Guilford College is a place known for its devotion to academics, its friendly atmosphere, and soon its lavish water features.

Students outraged by the recent fountain plans will have more complaints in the coming weeks as Guilford lays out its new plan to remove every tree on campus and replace them with fountains. Not only will this renovation destroy the natural aesthetic of the school, but it illustrates a

deeper, more sinister element underlying many of the recent additions to the campus.

“The lumber we sell from the old trees will be funding our new fountains,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “More importantly, these additions will go a long way toward making the campus both more visually appealing as well as giving us a much more modern look.”

This decision is the most recent in a long line of aqua-centric “improvements” Guilford has been pursuing. This not only includes the Founders fountain, but also The Quakeria fish tank and the countless projects surrounding the lake.

All of these damp renovations beg a very important question. Why is Guilford so obsessed with water features?

“They’re serving their hidden masters: their fish führers,” said hobbyist fisherman and alumnus Tim Thompson ‘83. “It’s clear who the college wants to impress, and it’s not alumni and it’s not students. They’re bowing to pressure from the aquatic oligarchs that run the place.”

Thompson has been fishing in this area for years and has suspected that the local chum was up to something.

“You can call me a blowhole, just don’t call me a kook,” said Thompson.

As crazy as it may sound, the idea of a secret ruling council of marine monarchs might not be all that far-fetched. It would certainly be appropriate given Guilford’s reliance on values like stewardship or community.

“I love the treatment we’ve received since moving in,” said Fincent Glabmore, a local resident of the fish tank. “Administration has provided us with a great place to live and acquiesced to all of our demands.”

Other fish declined to comment, though some expressed concern over recent fish sacrifices in The Quakeria. It is rumored that these sacrifices aim to appease the great Cthulhu.

With or without student outrage, these fountains are going up. Soon Guilford’s campus will be a wet and wild fishy theme park, ready to support groupers, marlins and even the lowly human students.

“This is a question I’m just getting tired of answering,” said Chabotar. “I am not now, nor have I ever been, associated with any schools of fish trying to conquer humanity by any means necessary.”

As glorious as a future of water bursting from every possible place may sound, this could not be a more dangerous decision. Clever clownfish may start their empire here, but it will not take long for their reach to grow.

“I, for one, won’t stand for it,” said Thompson. “Those fish took everything from me. Took my wife and kids, took my job and now they’re taking my alma mater!”

The aquatic overlords are coming and I do not welcome them.

As you stroll through campus, you hear the playful bubbling of fountains. A warm beam of sunshine makes a rainbow aura through the cool mist in the air. Students in bathing suits laugh and dance through soothing mists of water.

This is the vision of the Guilford College campus that administrators hope to move toward: a magnificently fountain-filled campus.

“The student body’s response to the proposed fountain outside Founders Hall was overwhelmingly positive,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “We thought, why not take it a step further and replace the trees on campus with fountains?”

Guilford students are often forced to “hang out” aimlessly, lounging in the grass or against trees. The Guilford administration’s plan to establish a series of fountains on campus is a solid remedy to this problem.

“Students need more places to hang out on campus, so we’re giving them fountains,” said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “When people see fountains, they think, ‘this is where I want to hang out.’”

The budget-conscious student need not worry as the fountains will be built at no extra cost to Guilford students. With Guilford’s plan to sell the lumber from the trees replaced by fountains, the water features will practically pay for themselves.

Another benefit of the aquatic scheme is the positive impact it will have on cell phone service and wireless internet, the unreliability of which is annoyingly familiar to most Guilford students, faculty and staff.

“Finally getting rid of all those pesky trees will greatly increase the efficiency of wireless and cell signals on campus,” said IT&S worker Anne Sparks.

Like the previously proposed water feature, the fountains will be designed in the natural-looking style of a Harvard fountain, preventing them from appearing out of place on Guilford’s natural campus. In order to blend the fountains into their surroundings, the proposed design includes jets and streams of water spurting from the eliminated trees’ stumps.

The natural look of the fountains will be in keeping with Guilford’s “green” appearance while adding a dignified sense of elegance and stature that trees simply cannot achieve.

Some members of the Guilford College community have concerns about the fountains being too ostentatious, making Guilford seem pretentious and pompous. Kent Chabotar sees this as a non-issue.

“You can call us assholes, just don’t call us fountainless,” said Chabotar. “The fact of the matter is schools these days are judged by their fountains. Guilford can no longer afford to go fountainless if we want to keep up with reputable academic institutions.”

The plan is a bold one, certainly, and any plan so bold is bound to attract some strong negative reactions. However, if students, faculty and staff approach the proposal with open minds they will see that virtually no bad can come of it — only aesthetic appeal and a plethora of fun hang-out spots for Guilford students.

Pros vs. cons of replacing all trees with mist fountains

Have you noticed some missing fish in The Grill fish tank? Where could they possibly be going? The answer may lie within you.

In order to save money, the fish in The Grill fish tank will be used to supply the popular demand for sushi on campus. Although I am saddened to see some of these fish go, I think putting our resources into use is a great idea.

“I heard talk throughout the tank that this would happen, and I couldn’t be happier,” said Earl the Eel. “There are some fish in here that I can’t stand and

would be happy to see go.” For some, this might sound weird and ridiculous, but the

faculty and staff felt it was necessary to grant students their long lost wish of having fish from The Grill fish tank used in their sushi.

“I have spent a lot of time eating lunch and dinner in The Quakeria and Grill. I couldn’t deny the fact that the conversations between students was the longing for the fish in the tank to be used in their sushi,” said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “If this is what the students want, we will find a way to make it happen.”

Sophomore James O’Neill couldn’t be more excited about the combination of avocado, cucumber and aquarium fish smothered in soy sauce.

“I can’t wait to eat Nemo’s brothers and sisters,” said O’Neill. “If I thought the sushi was good before, the fish from the tank will make it 10 times better.”

Our very own sushi maker, Zhang Wei, was apprehensive about the idea at first, but quickly came around and realized that the days of hauling large salmon onto a cutting board will be long over.

“Although I have gained muscle and lost about 40 pounds just by hauling the large fish onto the cutting board every Tuesday, I am happy to be dealing with smaller fish,” said Wei.

“I get emotional when I have to kill them, so I make sure my eyes are closed when it comes time to cutting them open.”

As Guilford uses its resources for a beneficial and tasty cause, some fish in the tank are disturbed by the new sushi options.

“I’m pissed,” said Nemo’s cousin Remo. “Usually I’m the one laughing at people because they have cheese hanging from their face, and now they are going to be laughing at me because I’m so small and will probably get eaten. You can call me tadpole, just don’t call me an itty bitty fishy.”

Guilford isn’t the only place where aquarium fish are making their way into sushi rolls. Jiro Ono is ranked as the best sushi maker in the world, and he too uses fish from his own aquarium to make sushi for his restaurant in New York City.

“I get all my fish from Petco,” said Ono. “Who knew fish so cheap, could taste so good?”

The days of getting fish fresh from the ocean are long gone. Aquarium fish that have been swimming in a grimy, bacteria-infested tank is where it’s at.

Dory & Nemo: they’re what’s for lunch and dinner

BY LANE MARTINStaff Writer

BY BRITTANY MURDOCKStaff Writer

BY HANNAH WALLERStaff Writer

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The newly installed water features are causing problems. Geese flock to them and poop all over the rocks that the administrators so lovingly chose. As a result, the fountains are misting poop. Beware, Guilford students, and protect your noses!

SPORTS8 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Mixed Martial Arts has always been a gentleman’s game. The style originally consisted of two men squaring off by regaling each other with monotonous stories for days on end until one of them fell to the ground from boredom or exhaustion. As the sport evolved, the bouts became more physical with the implementation of more complex moves like eye gouging and hair pulling.

Dana Professor of English Jeff Jeske draws from both of these grand MMA traditions.

Jeske, known as a skilled orator and teacher on Guilford’s campus, won his first professional MMA fight against British fighter Albert “Oxford Coma” Oxenfort.

Jeske, a tall and intimidating fighter weighing in at around 123 pounds, defeated Oxenfort in an astonishing two rounds.

“I’ve never seen someone so old move so fast and with such ferocity too,” said Dana White, president of the UFC, the largest MMA promotion company in the world. “It was a real treat. First he was a sinkhole, lowering Oxenfort’s defenses with his anecdotes. Then Jeske blindsides him with a powerful knee hit to the cranium. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

However, Jeske chalked up his victory to a foolish move by Oxenfort himself.

“You can call me a sinkhole, but don’t call me Jeffrey,” said Jeske in the post-fight press conference. “The bullies back in grade school called me germy Jeffrey. It’s not even alliteration! So every time someone calls me that, I’m transported back to those squandered uses of literary flourishes.”

The sports world was astonished by his victory and everyone scrambled to learn Jeske’s pugnacious technique.

“It all started in the late 1970s, which as you know, was a pretty wild time,” said Jeske during one of his 5:00 a.m. walks. “I just saw all the injustice in the world and wanted to fight against it. So, I decided to take up the wonderfully fulfilling

field of journalism and the martial art of Romple. That way I could fix problems with both my words and my fists, kind of like Superman.”

Over the next 40+ years, this veritable Superman would take what he learned in both journalism and Romple to develop his own unique Style, dubbed “AP style” after the particularly dangerous and unforgiving style guide for newspapers.

“AP style incorporates and is influenced by a number of unique styles,” Jeske said. “The most prevalent are romple, macrame, pankration, kick punching, ballroom dancing, taekwondo, journalism and hypnogogy.”

However, Jeske also has critics, chief among them Princeton’s Associate Professor of English Ernest “Bulldozer” Butcher, another academic entering the world of MMA.

“I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. That plagiaristic pugilist stole my fighting style and says it’s his!” Butcher said in an interview. “I won’t sit idly by and let him do this. I’m calling Jeske out. We will fight one day, and I’m going to take him down.”

“Bring it on,” Jeske told ESPN’s Bob Ley in response to Butcher’s comments. “If he has a problem with me, well, tough tarantula. He’s the one who’s going down.”

Swim coaches have taken drastic measures to make sure their athletes swim at record performance during practice. From threatening upside-down push-ups to adding a great white shark and massive crocodile to the lake, coaches will not stop seeking peak performance.

Head Women’s Swimming coach Emily Wilson and Athletic Director Tom Palombo think that using the lake as the practice pool for the team will help the team’s dramatic improvement over the past two years.

“The lake is cold, and the swimmers will be frightened of what’s inside,” said Wilson. “The goal is to get out of the water as soon as you can.”

Due to lack of funding, lane lines are all we can afford.

“There just isn’t enough money to build a new pool, so we’ll buy lane lines and put them across the lake instead,” said Palombo. “It’s the perfect size too.”

Junior swim captain Kendra Medina is hesitant but has high hopes for the new “pool.”

“I’m nervous because everyone says the lake is dangerous with snapping turtles, but I’m always open to try new things for the team,” said Medina.

It’s true the lake has gotten dangerous for swimming in over the years. Due to pollution, the water is incredibly mucky.

“We encourage first-years during orientation to stay away from swimming in the lake, so it seems counterintuitive for us to allow the

swim team to practice in it,” says sophomore Orientation Leader Byron Hamilton.

Controversy over whether or not the lake will be safe for the swimmers is a concern for students. However, Wilson and Palombo remain confident.

“You can call me jerkhole, but don’t call me stupid,” said Palombo. “This is all experimental. If at any point the swimmers feel unsafe or if something happens to them, they can change their practice location.”

Coach Wilson has a differing opinion.“The point is for them to get faster and better

by using the lake,” said Wilson. “The water is filthy in the lake, so when they’re in a clean

pool, they should go faster. The swimmers will also be afraid of getting devoured. Like I said, the desire to get out of the water will push them to improve.”

Some of the team remains skeptical. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea to put the

swimmers in danger,” said first-year Jocelyn Gesner. Of course I’m willing to try it, but we have enough injuries on the team as it is.”

Although there isn’t unanimous support for this idea, the team trusts their coach and is willing to try using the lake as their practice pool.

Maybe with the extra money saved, we can afford a personalized Horse People fountain.

Pugnacious prof Jeff Jeske prevails in preliminary MMA bout

Swimmers dive into lake, must face crocodile teeth

BY JOSH BALLARDHeadline King

BY SYDNEY HAWKINSStaff Writer

These signs will be posted around the lake to warn students, who may be lulled by Guilford’s new attitude towards marijuana, NOT to enter the lake under any circumstances.

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“Jeff Jeske is literally puhhhhfect! When he won, we let ourselves be excited for a moment, and then we were like ‘okay, let’s go, we’ll do this and this and win the MMA championship.’”

Rebecca Gibian, editor in chief of The Quibbler and Jeff’s trainer

SPORTS8 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

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“There’s a driving force behind why I do it,” said sophomore Rachel Howard. “All my aunts have had some form of cancer. It’s a big thing in my family.”

team, which is planning the second annual Relay for Life event on May 3

Athletic Center.Relay for Life spreads awareness

of cancer and raises money for the American Cancer Society. Relays are organized around the world by different groups looking for ways to give back.

Before the event, community members who want to participate create or join a team and get people and businesses to sponsor them by donating to the American Cancer Society.

Those who attend alternately walk

from local bands, play games like water pong, devour baked goods and much more.

“What was it like last year? Hilarious, said Howard. “Oh, God, it was so fun. I met a whole bunch of new people —

athletes, non-athletes, people from the neighborhood … I had a blast.”

One major goal of the team is to get everyone on campus involved, bridging the divide between athletes and non-athletes.

“You always hear the negatives about athletes,” said Head Women’s Softball coach Dennis Shores. “You always hear when they get in trouble, but you don’t hear the good things about them.

“We’re trying to … shed the light on what college athletes are all about.”

Some of the team members also stressed the importance of including the entire campus.

“I think we just wanted to focus on getting more of the community at Guilford — non-athletes — involved,” said junior Morgan Myers.

Senior Sarah Cutright said that the team is doing as much as possible to get the community to participate.

“Yes, (Relay for Life) is sponsored by the softball team, but at the same time we want community involvement in helping to run it and organize it and to actually be at this event,” said Cutright. “Any way we can get the community out really right now is how we want to do it.”

High hopes remain for the upcoming relay, especially after last year’s success. In 2012, the softball team helped raise around $9,000, and more than 200 people attended.

The goal for May is to double the amount of money raised last year by including as many people as possible.

“Cancer strikes everybody in one form or another, whether it’s a parent, a sibling, a relative, a close friend,” said Shores. “At some point in time in your life, you’ll be touched with it, so it’s really a good thing to get involved in.”

Even before beginning its work with Relay, the softball team worked to raise money for the American Cancer Society.

“We’ve historically done a ‘Score for

I contacted the American Cancer Society to ask them, ‘What else can we do?’” said Shores. “Their initial comment was, ‘Well, there’s Relay for Life.’”

Shores may have initiated the effort, but the team members have taken over.

“We all decided … that this is a pretty good cause,” said Howard. “We have so many people on our team that can reach out in the community. We thought that, with our resources, we could do it.”

BY CHLOE LINDEMANSTAFF WRITER

Men’s rugby at Guilford is a tight-knit brotherhood. This contrasts sharply with last season when discord caused players to quit and the team to collapse. This season was different as the group was determined to make sure it never happened again.

Rugby is a club sport, so students can come and go as needed. If athletes are not committed, the team suffers.

“We canceled (last season) due to the commitment level of the players,” said junior Zach Kronisch, rugby team president.

them. The president last year did a poor job of recruiting and that left us with poor numbers to do the work that we need to do.”

The lack of leadership poked holes in the fabric of the team

“This left a lot of infrastructure problems,” said senior Aaron Craig, team captain. “Morale dipped by the wayside, and players stopped coming to practice.”

Seeing such a rift left them disappointed but not willing to give up.

“This year, our drive came from not wanting another season like last year’s,” said Craig. “We’ve won our last two

second-year players have really stepped it up.”Players striving for success have created a level of

commitment that has kept the team intact.“Right now, we’re at a stable point where we have at least

said sophomore Brandon Wagstaff. Having plenty of players led to improved results.“The team is much more competitive this season compared

to last,” said Dan Hayden, team coach. “Despite the small numbers, they have managed to go 3–1 in the early part of the season with another three matches to go.”

The team worked hard this time to avoid internal problems. They practice encouraging teammates, something they take tremendous pride in.

“One of the most positive aspects is that we don’t yell at each other during a game, even if someone makes a mistake,” said Wagstaff. “We’re like, ‘don’t worry about it, let’s get back out there.’ Not yelling at each other is very important.”

“The level of bonding is really high,” said junior Ronnie Nguyen. “We know each others’ weaknesses and strengths by spending time together.”

This helps create the brotherhood and will keep them on track for seasons to come.

“The only obstacle is making sure the season doesn’t end like it did last season,” said Kronisch. “That the guys stay committed and keep their hearts in it; stay focused on the future of the team and keep the next season going.”

One key to maintaining the future of rugby at Guilford is recruiting new members.

“If people try it once, I think they’ll like it,” said Kronisch with a laugh. “It’s a lot of fast action, people smashing into each other –– why wouldn’t you want to watch that?”

The brotherhood is not exclusive. Everyone who wants to try rugby is welcome.

“Come play rugby,” said Nguyen.

BY LAURA HAYSTAFF WRITER

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Senior Andrew Welch and junior Zachary Kronisch during a match on March 2.

There has been a recent phenomenon at Guilford College of student-athletes walking away from their varsity sport teams.

Since Guilford was founded in 1837, sports have been a part of the community. However, participating in athletics can mean abandoning activities you enjoy.

“The time commitment and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to commit as much as my teammates were the main reasons I quit tennis,” said senior Adelaide Ayres. “It prevented me from taking classes that I had wanted to take in the past.

College sports are an enormous time commitment with multiple practices a day, games during the week, and tournaments out of state.

“When I came to Guilford, I was really looking for

it did in high school,” said runner Meg Holden ‘12. “Running in college was all about the competition because the women’s team had seven people on a good day, which is the minimum number needed to score in a race.”

Quitting a team varies in reasons, but overall, valuable players are missed due to the unfortunate decision.

“The loss of these athletes has affected the team as we had to adjust relays, and some were possible point scorers for us at the conference championships,” said Danny Cash, head coach of the cross country and track team. “It also hurts the continuity and structure of the team.”

Once a player is lost, squads must pick up the pieces and move forward.

“My objective is to help them through their decision and not to convince them one way or another,” said Chris Rusiewicz, head football coach. “Some students quit because they may have come to a realization … as they lose that passion and can’t keep up with the talent level and time commitment.”

Cash also had a similar perspective on why students quit their sport.

“It is very hard to be an athlete here at Guilford,” said Cash. “Not only do you have a very demanding academic standard, but you are expected to be involved in the community and also practice, travel and compete in the name of the college. Some of those who get here are able to manage this and some cannot and have to make hard decisions about what to give up.”

One athlete opened up about an experience while on the team.

“My coach exhibited much favoritism and played injured players when he had a whole bench full of people ready to play,” said an anonymous athlete. “My

I loved.”

There is more time for that person to grow in other ways throughout the community of their college.

“I don’t think that we should always view leaving a team as a negative for the student-athlete who leaves or for the team that they are leaving,” said Nick Black, head baseball coach. “As a coach, I would never want a player who does not enjoy playing their sport anymore or feels the need to move on due to a shift in priorities to continue with a team just because they feel like they have to.”

At Guilford, we value students who can think and act for themselves and the well-being of others. If this means quitting a sport to better the lives of themselves and others, who are we to say they cannot do just that?

OPINION7March 29, 2013

The country is up in arms about marriage equality. As the U.S. Supreme Court hears arguments about the constitutionality of Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act, news stations broadcast images of protesters outside the Supreme Court holding signs that read, “Do it for Dumbledore” and “The Bible might call gay marriage a sin, but show me where it says that in the Constitution!” Images and videos have gone viral, forcing this topic to play out under the media’s microscope.

The question lingers: who are we to determine the legitimacy of someone’s love? But more importantly, who are we to deny our neighbors their Federal rights based solely on who they love?

A U.S. soldier in a same-sex marriage cannot collect the same benefits — monetary and otherwise — that a straight, married military man or woman can.

Same-sex couples cannot share joint insurance policies for their car, house or health. And they can’t access their partner’s coverage under basic government benefits like Social Security and Medicare, either.

Inequality and unfairness are found across the board. Except in nine states, same-sex love is not seen as equal and is not validated.

This Editorial Board stands against marriage inequality. In our eyes, all love, whether recognized by the state or not, is equal. All couples should share the same rights. In this proclamation, we join a large percentage of Americans who support the same sentiment.

But we’re not just pro-same sex marriage. We believe that the fight for equality should

not be limited to different forms of marriage or any marriage at all, but should encompass equal rights for all citizens, no matter what their identity, orientation, or personal beliefs.

We believe in equal pay, equal access to healthcare, and education for all people, not just those who are married.

We’re anti-discrimination. And sometimes, it really is that simple.

It’s not a matter of if there will be equality; it’s a matter of when. We believe equality is long overdue. We believe the time is now.

We also believe this fight is about more than just marriage. Commitment and equality mean something different to each person experiencing it. This Editorial Board stands behind all levels of commitment.

We want to see the law go beyond marriage equality and encompass every person. While the laws being discussed in the Supreme Court address marriage, this Editorial Board hopes that someday soon, equality conversations will expand to include all identities, classes, races, orientations, genders and more.

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As someone born and raised in Chapel Hill, I found the recent news of UNC administration’s mishandling of sexual

a s s a u l t cases to be especial ly nauseating.

J e z e b e l r e p o r t e d that former A s s i s t a n t Dean of S t u d e n t s M e l i n d a M a n n i n g and four o t h e r s t u d e n t s

filed a complaint on Jan. 16 with the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights for themselves and

64 sexual assault victims on campus. According to Jezebel, Manning was forced to underreport the number of sexual assault cases at UNC.

One student involved in this case is sophomore Landen Gambill.

According to The Daily Tar Heel, Gambill pressed charges on her ex-boyfriend with the Honor Court after enduring months of “stalking, threats and harassment” and continuous sexual and verbal abuse.

Gambill told The Daily Tar Heel about her experience with the Honor Court process, consisting of “irrelevant and inappropriate” questions that implied she was untrustworthy because of a history of clinical depression,

and that she was partially responsible for the abuse because she didn’t end the relationship.

Now, as if Gambill hasn’t suffered enough from her abuser and this difficult, painful process, she faces expulsion, among many potential punishments, for speaking up about her assault and the university’s reaction.

Gambill was warned by the graduate student attorney general about her Honor Code violation for “disruptive or intimidating behavior against her alleged rapist,” according to The Huffington Post.

You know what I bet was intimidating? Surviving sexual assault and then

mustering up the courage to speak publicly about it.

You know what I bet was intimidating? Facing expulsion before a court because you reported incidents of violence.

Gambill isn’t asking for her abuser’s head on a stick. She’s not out seeking revenge. She suffered psychological and physical abuse at the expense of a fellow student, who has notably remained nameless and faceless throughout this entire process. She assumed that the university would have her best interest at heart and help her feel safe.

We expected to experience a “reverse culture shock.” What we didn’t expect was the sense of isolation and lack of interest about our specific study abroad experiences.

When Charlotte studied abroad in Botswana (Fall 2012) and Hallie studied in Mexico (Fall 2011), we were seeking experiences different from our own, a chance to broaden our horizons, then bring these back to the Guilford community.

The perplexing reality was the disinterest of the College in our returns. While the Study Abroad Department required us to participate in a pre-departure orientation with all of the students studying abroad in the fall, there were no programs arranged to help make the transition back to school manageable.

In this article, when discussing our experiences with Guilford Study Abroad, our use of “Guilford Affiliate” describes a program that does not have a Guilford faculty leader associated with it as opposed to “Guilford-led” which dictates having a Faculty leader studying abroad with students.

The experiences that we had while abroad were dynamic, challenging and difficult to relay to people on campus who have not also studied abroad. However, this didn’t mean we wanted to withhold sharing stories about our experiences with peers and faculty on

campus; we just felt there wasn’t a space for us to share openly.

Charlotte took part in a Public Health Program that included shadowing doctors and nurses at public clinics in Gaborone, Botswana. Guilford provides little in the way of discussions about global public health. As a result, Charlotte feels unable to apply much of the information gained from studying public health to campus as a whole.

Hallie studied community organizing and social movement building in Mexico with the Mexico Solidarity Network. With this program came an intensive politically radical education that had been previously somewhat-unknown to her. Upon returning, Hallie felt as though she didn’t have a space to talk about the new political ideals she had learned of; the ideas and structures that typical Guilford classes offered felt limiting. While Hallie had a Guilford Advisor overseeing the logistics of her program, that advisor did not travel with the students and thus could offer little in terms of a forum for processing experiences.

Guilford-led programs work to ensure that students are prepared for experiences abroad before traveling as well as prepared to return to school. The faculty members who lead programs through Guilford work diligently to help students process both of these transitions.

Don Smith, associate professor of physics, traveled with a group of ten students to Munich, Germany in the fall of 2012. Before, during and after the trip, the group spent time talking and discussing their semester. Before leaving, students were encouraged to find events happening in Munich that matched up with their current interests. During the semester, the group met each week to practice speaking German, as well as to discuss and process homestay living and plan weekend trips as a group. Upon returning, Smith invited the students to

have dinner at his home and voice their concerns about transitioning back to life at Guilford.

Senior Lexie Arani studied abroad on both a Guilford Affiliate program to Peru and a Guilford-led program to China. “Coming back from China was much easier because I had shared experiences with Guilford people I studied abroad with,” said Arani. “We could have dinner and talk about how much we missed China. I was unable to do that with Peru because people were more hesitant to listen because of a lack of shared experience.”

While we willingly chose to study abroad with Guilford Affiliate programs, we did not intend to feel cast aside upon returning to school. The process of acclimating to student life after a semester away from Guilford poses certain challenges that are difficult to face alone and without support.

The Study Abroad Office should understand that studying abroad impacts students in ways that we as students cannot foresee. In order to cope with these experiences and stories that rest on our hearts and minds, we need support.

Finding support on campus has been extremely difficult for students returning from Guilford Affiliate programs. Old friends often do not know how to listen or ask appropriate questions, while professors seem too far removed for students to approach.

Who do we talk to? How do we deal with the pressures of academics, social situations and responsibilities on campus after returning from cultures with different paces of life and priorities?

We want the school to provide students with a forum for discussion and support about how to be a student again and what to do with all of our experiences now that we have changed, while the school environment has remained largely the same.

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BY HALLIE DOWLING-HUPPERT & CHARLOTTE CLOYD GUEST WRITERS

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To see full the article, check out:

www.guilfordian.com

BY NATALIE SUTTONSTAFF WRITER

“It’s something that everyone knows is there and sees, but it’s kind of like a doorway into Narnia,” said junior Ruth deButts. “You don’t really know what it’s about until you get there.”

With its dreamy air and elusive secrets, Guilford’s own Cline Observatory has generated fantasy in the minds of Guilford’s students since its creation. This semester, a group of students are well on their way to unlocking the many mysteries of Guilford’s Cline Observatory in Associate Professor of Physics Don Smith’s Observatory Practice class.

“It makes me want to be an astrophysicist if I had another chance at life,” said deButts on her experience in the class.

The course began with an introductory phase on the basics of astronomy and how physics works. The students learned about the

coordinate system for the stars and are currently learning how to take photos of space.

“I remember the first time I saw Jupiter (through a telescope),” said sophomore James Missell. “I almost jumped up and down and started yelling because it was so amazing. It was so crisp and beautiful looking.”

The class has no prerequisites, and anyone can participate.

“There’s an interesting variety of people in the class,” said sophomore Robert Van Pelt. “You have physics majors, political science majors, music majors, psychology majors. I truly applaud Don for organizing a truly interesting physics class that can accommodate so many types of students.”

“People are coming into this class with radically different backgrounds,” said Don Smith. “It’s not your typical, boring, teacher-stand-at-the-front-of-the-class, lecture-style class. You cannot give a lecture that both a fourth year physics major and a first year economics

major would find interesting.” In addition to a hands-on

curriculum and unique lessons open to a diverse array of students, the class offers another perk.

How many of you have pressed the little ‘R’ in Frank’s elevator to no effect? Well, Observatory Practice students can go up to the roof, that forbidden area, any time they want. They also keep that access until they graduate. This permits the now well-trained students to further explore the universe’s mysteries through their own research even outside of class.

“When you are looking up at the sky on a regular basis, staring into space, you just get a new perspective on where we are, our place in the universe,” said sophomore Justin Ouellette. “Having an observatory definitely adds a new perspective about the world.”

“It provides an important tool to support student research and a venue through which non-scientists (students and public) can experience

the wonder of the universe first-hand,” said Tom English, director of Guilford Technical Community College’s Cline Observatory in an email interview.

GTCC holds regular viewing sessions every Friday night and Guilford holds special viewing sessions with accompanying presentations. This combination offers an expansive observatory

experience for the community.Guilford’s next presentation will

take place in April, when Glaxo Wellcome Professor of Physics Thom Espinola will give a presentation on comets. The event is open to the public, free and family-friendly. Stop by and unlock the mysteries of Guilford’s Observatory yourself.

“You definitely won’t regret it,” said deButts.

In America, one generation condemns the music that another generation loves. Look at rock ’n’ roll. In 1956, after performing “Hound Dog” on national television, Elvis and his pelvis became a whipping boy for media attacks on degraded youth culture. Now, students take classes on the history of rock. Jazz music has traveled the same uneven path.

A little over a hundred years ago, academics regarded jazz as the musical equivalent of the devil. Now, our professors teach it. So what happens when formerly derided pariah music ascends to the angelic gates of academia?

The Blue Roots Jazz Band emerges. Trumpeter and sophomore Benjamin Matlack

punched the air. Stop time ceded to a solo from saxophonist and senior Benjamin Espinola like levees collapsing to a flood. A student yelped with excitement as the Blue Roots Jazz Band played through Louis Armstrong’s iconic “Struttin’ with Some Barbecue.” Alongside Professor of Jazz Studies and Saxophone player Andrew Hays, Blue Roots heated up a tightly packed Dana Choir room on a cold Wednesday night, February 20.

“Hopefully, if it gets too hot in here, it’ll be from the music, not the stuffy air,” said Hays as the group shuffled charts between songs.

Alongside Espinola and Matlack, Blue Roots features guitarist and sophomore Gray Hall, drummer and sophomore Devon Rohe and Guilford alumnus Doug Harrison on bass. Original bassist and senior Alice Gushue is currently studying abroad.

The jazz department assembled Blue Roots earlier this year as part of a one-credit jazz combo class. Matlack admits that the group’s origin is more planned than a jazz combo of an earlier era.

“Traditionally, we would have come together because we knew each other,” said Matlack. “It would’ve grown in a more organic sense.”

Yet, the product is the same, if not greater.

“It’s fortuitous that it worked out so well,” said Matlack. “We are a creation of an institution. We have to adhere to different things, a strict practice schedule and a coach. With Drew’s coaching though … we can create a higher quality product.”

Learning jazz in a structured setting has taught Espinola skills that extend beyond jazz standards.

“In the professional music environment, you don’t have anyone telling you what to do,” said Espinola. “You have to learn how to get what you want out of other people.”

The connection between music and institutions changes like the scorned genres, and Blue Roots is an example of that. Whether institutionalized or not, moments of musical human connection will continue.

Ben Espinola recounted playing a generationally divided Christmas party with Blue Roots.

“We were the youngest people in the room by fifty years,” said Espinola.

Standing around after a set, an older woman approached the group.

“She started talking about her (late) husband,” said Espinola. “He wasn’t a professional, but he loved to play the bass. He just loved music.”

Espinola said that he could see how much the music affected the woman.

“Seeing us play together really reminded her of him and his life,” said Espinola. “It was really meaningful. That’s just one person, but I like to think that every little bit helps.”

Blue Roots Jazz Band plays music visceral enough to overcome a generational divide and to communicate some small part of the human experience.

“(Great music) fulfills the need to put into sound all the feelings and emotions that are so hard for so many to otherwise describe,” noted Hays.

FEATURES6 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

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BY GABRIEL POLLAKSTAFF WRITER

BLUE ROOTS PLAY SERENDIPITY SATURDAY AFTERNOON, APRIL 6, BY THE LAKE

!"#$%&''()%*+,,%-+./%$0$12$)Screaming winds. A crackling fire.

Welcoming people. Just a hint of magic. Within the Hut, the Pagan Mysticism Club explores ancient ideologies and how they affect the contemporary world.

Pagan is a broad term, and the club hosts a catalogue of different beliefs. Some find truth in ancient practices similar to those of the Greeks or Celts, though this is often more metaphorical than literal, while others ally themselves with representations of the natural world. Despite these differences, pagans share a strong relationship with both the physical world and the spiritual and often discuss the ties between the two.

“I am pagan,” said junior Emily Eadie. “I’m not as knowledgeable about it as I would like to be. Since there are so many points of view and there are so many aspects that can be personalized, there is certainly a lot to learn.”

“Most of our members in the past have identified with some sort Celtic or Norse pantheon,” said club president and senior Emily Stamey. “We’ve had people who practiced Egyptian or Greek pantheons, people who are broader. We have a few Wiccans. (Pagan) is a self-identifying thing.”

Wicca is a modern pagan religion based on the idea of dualism. Often considered “modern witchcraft,” Wicca recognizes both a god and a goddess as representations of the world. Like all pagan religions, Wicca claims no central authority and beliefs vary between individuals.

The club does not boast a large membership, but what the club does have is a close knit circle of friends ready to accept anyone who comes their way.

“Meetings usually have some sort of topic, and we often have little sidetracks

where people talk about geeky, random things,” said Stamey.

Stamey has been involved with the club since 2009 and has found the experience fulfilling.

“I enjoyed the people, and I found the topics interesting,” said Stamey. “I kind of inherited the club after everyone graduated.”

As it is in most religions, festivals are important. The Pagan Mysticism Club often plans campus wide events and has become well known for their bonfires. Planning for a spring bonfire is in the works, as well as an Ostara celebration, a precursor to Easter.

“We like to dispel the negative perceptions of pagans or paganism,” said Stamey. “We’re not evil, satanic or devil-worshipping. Though some pagans are, we are not.”

The Pagan Mysticism Club is hardly a new organization. In fact, the club has been open and active at Guilford College for over 20 years.

“The club has taken on different forms depending on student interest,” said Max Carter, Director of Friend’s Center, director of the Friends Center and campus ministry coordinator. “It’s student led. There’s not a faculty advisor for it.

“They’ve always been wonderful citizens of Guilford. In whatever (branch) they are, whether it is Wiccan, goddess-centered, earth-centered. It’s an organization that embraces all of them. It’s been wonderful to see their inclusivity to various traditions within the pagan, Wiccan, pre-Christian, earth-based spiritualties, and a lot of their values are very consistent with the values of Guilford.”

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Students use the observatory to snap pictures like this of the M42 nebula in Orion, taken in February 2011 as a 60-second, false-color RGB-filtered image.

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We welcome everyone to Wednesday meetings, 8 p.m. in the Hut, regardless of your beliefs. Specific questions about the club or paganism? Email [email protected].

FEATURES5March 29, 2013

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“Access to education; opportunity to serve.”

This is the motto of the Bonner Center for Community Learning and Service.

“We are a scholarship program,” said Elizabeth Baloff-Bird, Bonner Scholars Coordinator. “We give students who are passionate about community service the opportunity to attend college when finances don’t allow them to do so.”

There are 60 Guilford students in the Bonner program. During the school year, each Bonner Scholar completes 280 hours of community service. The total outcome is 16,800 hours of community service per school year.

This accounts for 90 percent of the community service hours completed by the entire Guilford student body.

But the Bonner program is about more than just numbers. It’s about growth.

The community service performed by Bonner Scholars goes deep in an attempt to solve the problems in the community.

What they call “Band-Aid service” is never enough for the students.

“I want to incorporate service into a regular thing in my whole life,” said first-year Bonner Scholar Ben Evans. “I love the feeling of making someone’s day better

through my service.”Personal growth also comes with the

territory of being a Bonner Scholar. Every student experiences it differently.

“Bonner challenges me to see how far I can go,” said junior Bonner Scholar Mandy

Lu. “It’s improved my vocational skills, which I didn’t think I had before entering (Bonner), and I want to keep improving those skills.”

These vocational skills are what make Bonner Scholars so successful. The retention

rate of the program is 89 percent, higher than the retention rate of Guilford College as a whole. Those students, in most cases, walk away from graduation with a secured internship or job, as well as a new way of looking at life.

“Bonner has taught me a lot about the real world and how messed up the world is,” said senior Bonner Scholar Marielena Del Pozo. “I have learned that in order to make it in the world, I need to know the real issues and how they affect my community, myself and other communities.”

“People think we’re community service snobs, but we’re not,” said Bird. “We want the entire campus to get involved in the community.”

Efforts to get students involved continue to grow. Sports teams are more regularly participating in fundraising and serving charitable causes. Student organizations and clubs are doing the same.

Ultimately, Bonner wants to promote an involved campus and fight against apathy in the student body, while remaining true to Guilford’s values.

“Bonners live the core values of the college,” said James Shields, Bonner Center Director. “We’ve got 21 years of Bonner graduates out in the world doing the same.”

If Bonner were to deliver one message to the campus, it was summed up by Evans:

“Get involved.”

BY SHELBY SMITHSTAFF WRITER

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Nevertheless, despite all of this, professors still choose to work at Guilford.

“I didn’t think about the salary when I got into this profession, and I still don’t,” said Professor of Foreign Language David Limburg. “For me, there are other benefits like the tuition waiver for my son, sabbaticals, teaching abroad opportunities and the freedom to teach and contribute the way I choose.”

Between Guilford’s irreplaceable awkwardness, our very own farm and the friendliness that lingers around campus, it is clear as to why professors choose to stay despite a lower pay.

“I stay because of things that are dear to me such as the passion and dedication of my colleagues and the liveliness and originality here at Guilford,” said Visiting Assistant Professor of English Mylène Dressler.

Who would enjoy going to work with people they didn’t like?

Associate Professor of Accounting Garland Granger also finds joy in teaching and in watching his first-year students and CCE students mingle and learn from one another.

“Traditional students gain more of an understanding of the work place while CCE students are exposed to youthful enthusiasm which can be lost with age,” said Granger.

According to Professor of English Jim Hood, his colleagues are one of the many reasons he has

stayed committed to Guilford.“The people I work with are people that

I cannot imagine ever getting tired of being with and talking to,” said Hood. “Coming to work here is fun because the people are just so spectacular.”

Guilford did not seem to be the ideal choice for Professor of Psychology Richard Zweigenhaft, but he, like many other professors, succumbed to Guilford’s unique and accepting atmosphere.

“I knew when I came that the salary I was being offered was low, but salary was less important to me than finding the right fit,” said Zweigenhaft. “I will say that if I was a young faculty member and thinking of raising a family on the salary Guilford now offers, it would be a harder decision to come here.”

Supporting a family on a below-average salary is something Assistant Professor of Justice and Policy Studies Sanjay Marwah struggles with.

Although he is motivated to stay at Guilford due to the many advantages of a small college and the ability to teach and integrate different disciplines in his classes, the below average pay is taking a toll.

“I don’t think the salary allows me to maintain and raise a family,” said Marwah. “My own family situation in terms of financing has been rough, but I understand Guilford has gone through financial troubles.”

Even though the salary for professors is below the average, they still put their hearts and souls into teaching and caring for students.

PROFESSORS

TowardsDiversity

YOU’RE INVITED:

Early Black Alum ‘62 - 77 Portraits and Profiles Exhibition

Opening ReceptionMarch 29, 2013, 6:00 p.m. — 8 p.m.

As part of ‘Journeys in Blackness: Commemorating 50 Years of Integration,’ portraits and profiles of Black alumni and past activists of Guilford College will be featured at the exhibition.

This exhibit includes: audio recordings of interviews, interactive components, profiles, and portraits taken by photographer Adam Watkins ‘13. The exhibit will be open for the remainder of the 2013 spring semester.

Food & refreshments will be served.

Location: Guilford College, King Hall 126 & 127

Contact Judy Harvey for more [email protected] 336.316.2180

“Bonner has taught me a lot about the real world and how messed up the world is. I have learned that in order to make it in the world, I need to know the real issues and how they affect my community, myself and other communities.“

Marielena Del Pozo, senior Bonner scholar

CONTINUE FROM PAGE 1

“The people I work with are people that I cannot imagine ever getting tired of being with and talking to.“

Jim Hood, professor of English

WORLD & NATION4 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

High above the vast grasslands of South Africa’s Kruger National Park, a helicopter armed with tranquilizer guns zeroes in on its prey: a black rhinoceros bull.

With its target locked, the helicopter crew fires an array of tranquilizer darts.

Bull’s-eye. Upon landing, the crew members set out to complete a job

half-done, vigorously hacking off the rhino’s horn with a two-stroke chainsaw.

Now dehorned, the rhino dies from an overdose of tranquilizers or bleeds to death.

The slaughtering of the rhino is deeply ingrained in South African culture. Home to 80 percent of Africa’s rhino, South Africa saw 633 rhinos killed by poachers in 2012.

“That number shows the scale of the poaching crisis,” said Katherine Ellis, office and communications manager of Save the Rhino International, to The Guilfordian. “It is a pretty serious crisis rhinos are facing at the moment.”

Save the Rhino has monitored professional poachers who are launching high-tech attacks on the endangered black rhino.

“Criminal gangs and syndicates go in there with night vision, helicopters, chainsaws and gunshot silencers,” said Ellis. “So despite intense security, these gangs often get away with it.”

The prospect of driving the rhino into extinction does not seem to concern local poachers. From a poacher’s perspective, the rhino is merely a placeholder for a much more coveted prize: the rhino horn.

“A rhino can be dehorned without it being killed, but poachers will kill the rhino to hack off all of the horn they can get, which leaves the rhino bleeding to death,” said Ellis.

“The horn is very desirable, and one reason is medicinal

purposes,” said Professor of Biology Lynn Moseley. “But there has never been any proof whatsoever that it remedies digestive ailments.”

In the oil-rich Middle East, the rhino horn is a trophy for young men who sport the horn on dagger handles.

“With a ton of money in oil-rich nations, the demand for rhino horn continues,” said Moseley. “And where you have demand, you have people willing to supply.”

Flourishing economically and in numbers, poachers are a force to be reckoned with. Despite the poachers’ advantages, some activists continue the fight to end the slaughtering of rhinos.

Damien Mander, a front-line Australian soldier-turned-environmentalist, is founder and CEO of the International Anti-Poaching Foundation.

“I was traveling through South Africa and saw a problem,” Mander told The Guilfordian. “It is one of these things in life you run into, and you can turn your back on it — which is quite easy to do — or you can fight the bull, so to speak.”

Mander incorporates military skills to create standardized anti-poaching training programs. These programs serve as models for over 16 nations and emphasize protecting the rhino specifically.

“To us, the rhino is the heart of all animals,” said Mander. “If we aim to protect the rhino, we know that everything else in the ecosystem is being looked after.”

However, Mander believes that fighting for the rhino is not solely the responsibility of anti-poaching foundations. His message is that ending poaching is everyone’s fight.

“You guys at Guilford are college students, the minds of tomorrow,” said Mander. “Everyone needs to chip in, and it is everyone’s responsibility to understand what is going on.”

It is a pretty straightforward question: rhino or no rhino? Only we can decide.

Following the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis of Buenos Aires was elected by the cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church on March 13 in the shortest papal conclave in history.

The 85-year-old Pope Benedict retired on Feb 28 after serving in his role as pope since 2005, succeeding Pope John Paul II.

Pope Benedict said in his statement of resignation that he no longer feels suited to adequately execute the Petrine ministry, according to CNN.

While Pope Benedict remains in good health, he feels his age is hindering him from using his strengths in his position.

“To be honest, 85 is not very old for a Pope and for him to cite ‘health and personal reasons’ is a little sketchy to me. However, his reasons are his own, and if he feels like it is for the benefit of the church … then it is the right move to make,” said Catholic and senior Ben Nelson in an email interview.

This papal resignation is the first in nearly 600 years. There have been mixed feelings about Benedict’s decision throughout the Catholic Church.

Canon law, the laws and regulations adopted by many religions — Catholics included — states that resignation must be made freely and in clear conscience. Because Pope Benedict is in his right mind, his resignation is acceptable. Medically, there is nothing wrong with Benedict; he claims to only feel weak because of his age.

After resignation, the conclave of, or process of selection, Pope Francis began.

The 2013 papal conclave was the shortest in history, beginning March 12 and ending the following day.

During a conclave, the cardinals of the church gather and must have two-thirds of the majority to elect a fellow cardinal.

The first ballot and the three that followed produced black smoke from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney, showing that the ballot was inconclusive. On the fifth ballot, white smoke announced that the new pope had been chosen.

Originally from Buenos Aires, Argentina, Pope Francis was born Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He was appointed archbishop of Buenos Aires in 1998 and proclaimed cardinal by Pope John Paul II in 2001.

Bergoglio was different from other cardinals because he used public transportation and refused to live in the church mansion. “He’s a moderate man with some reformist tendencies … open to reform and to a more positive vision of the church,” said Marco Politi, a Vatican analyst, to The Christian Science Monitor.

Pope Francis is also a Jesuit and, according to Yahoo, Jesuits who have a reputation for earnestly following their vows of poverty.

Pope Francis’s mark may be left in his desire to reform poverty and inequality because of his modest lifestyle.

“I think the Pope will make a series of surface level changes to make the church more open and accepting, something that I feel the Church has gotten away from in recent years … lately (under Pope Benedict XVI’s reign) I feel like the Church has become increasingly judgmental,” said Nelson.

“(His simple lifestyle) may be very threatening to the papal court, especially

those who like to dress up,” said Rev. Thomas Reese, a Vatican expert at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University to The Christian Science Monitor. Also unique to this papacy is the relationship between Benedict and Francis.

There are no records of a current pope and former pope meeting in person because popes are only chosen after the death of his predecessor.

Pope Francis’s Jesuit background is seen in his relationship with Benedict, claiming that the two are equals.

Benedict gave Pope Francis the right-hand seat in the car going to church and chose the lesser left-hand seat for himself. Also, instead of taking the front kneeler in church when they went to pray, Francis politely refused saying “no, we are brothers,” and insisted they pray side-by-side.

Although white is traditionally the color of only the pope, both wore white and Francis wore the traditional gold sash of the papacy,

and the two men embraced one another.Concerns have been expressed about the

future of the relationship between the pope and his former. Vatican experts worry that there will be a rival for power and public loyalty. Currently, the Vatican is racing to prevent internal conflict by setting procedures for the life of the Church after a pope resigns.

Benedict hopes to live in seclusion in the Vatican, but Francis refuses to let this happen. Instead, he has called Benedict frequently to wish him a happy name day and mentioned Benedict after his election, where he asked the crowd to pray for the former pope.

“I will be very interested to see, however, if he really makes good on his promise to not have any sort of authoritative role within the Catholic Church,” said Nelson.

After spontaneous resignation and speedy election, the Vatican remains a thriving religious force. Now the Church must navigate the transition of power and the unprecedented challenge of having two living popes.

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!"#$%&'%()"#$*&)+#,#,-&.%/(01&.%2%++%31&"%3&24)"&5%$*6+7BY RISHAB REVANKARSTAFF WRITER

BY SYDNEY HAWKINSSTAFF WRITER

(Left) Pope Benedict XVI greeting Vatican City. (Right) Pope Francis was elected March 13.

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Panel discussion led by Kathryn Shields, assistant professor of art history

Thursday, April 4, 7:30—9 p.m. in the gallery of Hege Library.

Admission is free and open to the public.

The nine faculty artists will discuss their art-making processes and philosophies

and will take questions from the audience.

The faculty artists include :

Adele WaymanRoy NydorfMark Dixon, Charlie Tefft

Maia DeryKaitlyn BarlowNicki DeytonPhil Haralam

Juie Rattley III

For additional information, please contact Terry Hammond at (336) 316-2438

COMMUNITY3

The Guilfordian is the student-run newspaper of Guilford College. It exists to provide a high-quality, reliable, informative and entertaining forum for the exchange of ideas, information and creativity within Guilford College and the surrounding community.

General staff meetings for The Guilfordian take place every Monday evening at 7:30 p.m. in Founders Hall and are open to the public.

AdvertisingIf you are interested in advertising in The

Guilfordian, send an e-mail to [email protected] for a rate sheet and submission guidelines. We can design a customized ad for you if you need this service. The Guilfordian reserves the right to reject advertisements.

LettersThe Guilfordian actively encourages readers

to respond to issues raised in our pages via letters to the editor. Letters can be submitted to [email protected] by 3 p.m. on the Sunday before publication and should not exceed 300 words. Letters that do not meet the deadline or word limit will be considered on a space-available basis. Anonymous letters will not be accepted. By submitting a letter to The Guilfordian, you give The Guilfordian permission to reproduce your letter in any format. The Guilfordian reserves the right to editorial review of all submissions.

The Guilfordian

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Katy AndrewsJosh BallardJosh BarkerAnney BolgianoMichael CaswellEmily CurrieChristianna Van DalsenAllison DeBuskBryan DooleyKevin EngleAnthony HarrisonSydney HawkinsLaura Hay

Charlotte HudsonKim KleimeierJohn KluepfelAli KrantzlerChloe LindemanVictor LopezJamie LuckhausLane MartinBrittany MurdockRishab RevankarShelby SmithNatalie SuttonHannah Waller

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March 29, 2013

Submission Deadline: April 19To submit, download your film onto a DVD and turn it

in to Chad Phillips’ box in the Theatre Studies Department (basement of Founders) or upload your film to YouTube

and email the link to Chad Phillips ([email protected]).

For more information, email [email protected]

GET READY!GET SET! GO! SUMMER SCHOOL REGISTRATION HAS BEGUN

Just log onto Banner Web to register.

No alternate pin needed!

First 5-Week Sessions and all 10-Week Sessions being 5/28.

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!"#$$%&%'($FOR SUBLEASE — North Apartment 753. Looking for 2+ roommates to help with rent. Must like cat videos and random screaming. Call (303) 867-5309.

WANTED — Vuvuzela players interested in countering late-night Greenleaf concerts. Practice starts next Mon. at 8 p.m. in Dana.

LOOKING FOR co-adventurer to join me in tree fort in back of woods. Great alternative to traditional on-campus housing. Bring your own TP. Interested? Send smoke signals from Hut on Tues.

LOST — Tabby kitten. Responds to Georgianna. Not mine, just holding for friend. Return to Mary Hobbs attic.

FOR SALE — Handmade hemp pot holders.

Organic, fair trade, eases arthritis pain and scurvy. $15 or two for $30. Contact Rainn Wiekow at [email protected]

FOR SALE — Any required physics textbook from past 3 years. Gently used, notes in margins, lots of tear stains and drool marks. $50/ea. OBO. Talk to Shane in DRL.

LOOKING FOR daily running buddy to supplement off-season workout. Mile time under 7:15 preferred but not required. Meet in front of gym at 5 a.m. on Sat.

MISSED CONNECTIONS —Saw you in Greenleaf. Loved your armpit hair. I wore the fedora. Meet me in the Meadows tomorrow at dawn?

MISSED CONNECTIONS — Heard you on your radio show talking about corporate sell-outs. You

have the voice of an angel. If you read this, air five consecutive whale songs and I’ll call in.

MISSED CONNECTIONS — You lit my cigarette and walked away. Why?

MISSED CONNECTIONS — To the boy in the poncho who cursed at the library printer when it wouldn’t work: the girl who loaned you her card likes your passion. Come by the LC writing studio sometime? Your final draft had major comma problems.

MISSED CONNECTIONS —The woman in Hendricks with 15 different highlighters: cute kid!

MISSED CONNECTIONS — Boy in Founders Lounge filling out college apps, my SAT score is higher than yours. Will share Hello Kitty pencils & help you study for retake.

NEWS2 WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COM

Senate Update

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Compiled by Tim Leisman, Community Senate President

The study abroad program has three stations in Chiapas, Tlaxcala and Mexico City where students work in self-governing communities.

“The Mexico Solidarity Network is a group that was based in Chicago and works with autonomous communities in Mexico who are working for equal rights or autonomous rights,” said Dowling-Huppert. “Many of the people are seeking to evade oppression from the government.”

“The first place we went to was Chiapas,” said Lahowitch. “The first week, we went to a school for the indigenous that focuses on self-sufficiency with trades, and that was really interesting. The next four weeks were spent in Oventic, which is where the Zapatistas live.”

The Zapatistas are a revolutionary, self-governing group. Zapatistas, made up of mostly people of Mayan ancestry, declared their autonomy from the Mexican State in response to NAFTA on Jan. 1, 1994.

“Students learn about the Zapatistas’ community,” said Assistant Director of Study Abroad Daniel Diaz. “They learn about the history of the culture. They learn about the different kinds of people and leaders. They learn about this idea of what it takes to build a grass roots community.”

The Zapatistas have received funds from programs like MSN in the past.

“They were able to do this because of the support from MSN and solidarity with other groups,” said Lahowitch.

“Funding for health care and schools was possible because of the international groups.”

The next stop for students on the MSN trip was Tlaxcala.“I stayed with a family who had 12 kids,” said Dowling-

Huppert. “This family was focused on social justice and very committed to the cause. Every member of the family was committed to the cause, which was fascinating. The Tlaxcala part was where I felt most immersed into Mexican culture.”

The students also learned from inspiring adults.“We have access to these people who are doing so

much in their communities through the Mexico Solidarity Program,” said Weiner. “There’s no other way that I would have been able to meet these kinds of people without the program.”

In the final stop in Mexico City, students worked with another autonomous community fighting for housing rights.

“Everybody takes part in building the community,” said Weiner, “The people who show the most commitment and work the hardest get rewarded with a house. You pay like 15 percent of your income for housing. Many people in Mexico City do not make a living wage, and this makes a huge difference in people’s lives. A family was kicked out because they were not doing their part in the community.”

The MSN technically ends in Mexico City, but a trip to Chicago, where the program is based, is encouraged. Chicago is the place where students take what they have learned in Mexico and apply it in the States.

“We did a lot of anti-foreclosure stuff,” said Lahowitch.

“We protested a bank.”In addition to their work with the autonomous

communities, students’ tuition also goes to the MSN when they participate in the study abroad program.

“You’re learning what organizing in immigrant communities looks like here and how to apply what you learned in Mexico to the United States, which was incredible,” said Dowling-Huppert. “It all comes together.”

Sixteen years ago this September, Thomas Friedman appeared at Guilford College for an on-campus lecture as the first speaker in what later became The Bryan Series. On April 16, 2013, Friedman will return to the series, this time with hundreds of New York Times editorials, five more books and a third Pulitzer Prize under his belt.

“There are a number of people out there who are so compelling that you would want to seriously look at having them back, and Tom falls in that category,” said Vice President for Communications & Marketing Ty Buckner via phone interview.

“Tom, in a survey (among Bryan Series subscribers to nominate speakers) we conducted actually more than a year ago, rated very highly — and not unexpectedly. He’s simply one of the most popular columnists and authors out there today and particularly popular with our audience.”

While Friedman covers topics ranging from globalization to climate change, the proposed theme of Friedman’s talk is “The Middle East: An Update on Changing Events.”

Few journalists are more qualified to speak on the matter.

Friedman’s biweekly New York Times column focuses on foreign affairs, and his three Pulitzer Prizes were for reporting on the Lebanese Civil War, the state of Israel and the threat of global terrorism.

“I think both personally and professionally, he has deep interest in Israel’s security,” said Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter. “He has a dog in the fight.”

Friedman often criticizes Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s policies concerning Palestinian and Israeli security, criticism that draws ire from pro-Israel groups.

“Israel needs a wake-up call,” Friedman wrote in “Driving Drunk in Jerusalem,” an editorial for The New York Times. “Continuing to build settlements in the West

Bank, and even housing in disputed East Jerusalem, is sheer madness.”

“Israel plays such an important role in Jewish consciousness that even Jews who criticize Israel — I know this personally from Jewish friends I have — are accused of being anti-Semitic,” Carter said. “I appreciate Friedman’s willingness to subject himself to that kind of criticism when he is vocally critical of Israeli policies.”

However, Friedman himself states allegiance to “radical centrism,” a movement that brings together viewpoints from both left- and right-wing sources. Possibly owing to his political pragmatism, Friedman supported the invasion of Iraq.

“Friedman’s a realist who doesn’t have romantic notions,” said Carter. “He’s seen awful stuff. And he knows the various evils abroad in the world first hand. I think he made a rational decision for himself that we had to go into Iraq.

“I don’t know whether he believed there were weapons of mass destruction, but (the Bush administration) made a case. Colin Powell was snookered. Why wouldn’t a journalist like Friedman be snookered, too?”

Buckner expects a stimulating, thought-provoking speech from Friedman.

“(The Bryan Series) present speakers with all sorts of life experiences and viewpoints,” said Buckner. “One of the goals is to present speakers who will make us think. Their talks may reaffirm what we believe … they may cause us to change our opinion.”

In any case, Thomas Friedman’s return to the Bryan Series promises to be a powerful close to this season’s Bryan Series.

“I’ve heard Tom speak a couple of times, and he’s really good at delivering on the topic as promoted, but also bringing some of his other work into the program,” Buckner said with a laugh. “We show the speaker the stage, and for the next 45 or 50 minutes, it’s all them.”

!"#$%$&'()*$+,$*$'(-.+#,/(!#01($23(4/5.($**(#2(/2.(05#%CONTINUE FROM PAGE 1

MEXICO SOLIDARITY

!"#$%&'()&*$)#+,%(-,.$/%#0(#1(+2$3/)45(+2$!"45&-$6%(#'5&+7-$8%9&+$:#%(#-$&//#&%&+)#BY ANTHONY HARRISONSTAFF WRITER

We are now accepting applications for all Senate Executive positions, which are due March 31. Campaigning begins April 1 and elections are April 15.We are also accepting nominations for Dick Dyer Awards and applications for student scholarships through April 26. See our Facebook for more. All applications are at the Info Desk.

The Judicial Affairs Committee, a group composed of Senate executives, RAs, and PPS Scholars, will be presenting on their year-long judicial review process.

Any policy recommendations resulting from this process will be submitted to Aaron Fetrow for consideration this summer.

We need to hear your voice! Have an idea? Concern? Great recipe? It’s important to us.

Questions? Email: [email protected] or visithttp://guilfordsenate.wordpress.com

For more information, contact Daniel Diaz, assistant director of study abroad, at diazdf@

guilford.edu.

You can reach out to students who have participated, such as Hallie Dowling-Huppert or Chloe Weiner, who can be reached

at [email protected] and

[email protected].

The Zapatistas have recently been featured in many news articles, such as Al Jazeera, The

Guardian and Time Magazine, all of which can be found online.

FEATURES

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Support for Veterns

BYJOSH BARKERStaff Writer

See BUDGET | Page 2WWW.GUILFORDIAN.COMNEWS | FRIEDMAN PREVIEW | Page 2

OPINION | UNC SEXUAL ASSAULT | Page 7

INSIDE THIS ISSUEWEB-

EXCLUSIVE

CONTENT:

W&N | POPE UPDATE | Page 4

SPORTS | RELAY FOR LIFE | Page 8

Electric vehicles could soon zoom into NASCAR

BY BYRAN DOOLEY AND GEORGIEANN BOGDANSenior Writer and gueSt Writer

the GuilfordianG u i l f o r d C o l l e g e | w w w . g u i l f o r d i a n . c o m | G r e e n s b o r o , N C

V o l u m e 9 9 , I s s u e 1 8 | M a r c h 2 9 , 2 0 1 3

FULL MOON OBSERVATORY

STYLE

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They grade our last-minute typed papers, prepare countless PowerPoint slides and show up to class on time when we are too lazy to even attend. They either deal with our grouchy attitudes at 8:30 a.m. or our continuous yawns during a 6:00 p.m. class. This raises the question, “Why do professors choose to teach at Guilford?”

Even with the amount of time they put into their work, their paychecks hardly reflect it. Members of the budget committee put together a faculty compensation report comparing the salaries of Guilford professors with peer institutions and local neighbors that are comparable to Guilford in size, quality of students and extent of resources.

The average pay for assistant professors at Guilford is $50,000, while that for associate professors is $59,000.

Lynchburg College on the other hand offers a salary of $56,000 for assistant professors and $63,000 for associate professors. Elon University has a much higher pay scale with $64,000 for assistant professors and $72,000 for associate professors.

“Most of the drop (in salaries) was due to enrollment drops and may erode further due to the loss of $2.5 million or 40 percent drop in state-funded financial aid which has made us divert funds away from other items including salary raises,” said President and Professor in Political Science Kent Chabotar.

See PROFESSORS | Page 3

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Mexico Solidarity Network: a unique study abroad experience

(Top): A group of students from the Fall 2012 trip. (Below) Mexico Solidarity Network created a study abroad program in 2005 in order for students to volunteer with autonomous communities.

Despite low salaries, why do professors stick around?PROFESSORS ARE THE BACKBONE OF THE INSTITUTION, LEARN WHAT MOTIVATES THEM TO TEACHBY BRITTANY MURDOCKStaff Writer

“I was beat really badly by like four-foot-seven women in dresses,” said junior Chloe Weiner.

You would probably never guess that Weiner is talking about her experience studying abroad in Mexico, where she lived and played basketball with autonomous communities around the country.

On Wednesday, March 6, three study abroad students who studied in Mexico with the Mexico Solidarity Network talked about their experiences with this unique program.

Seniors Gabrielle Lahowitch Hallie Dowling-Huppert and junior Chloe Weiner who all participated in the past two years, talked about their experiences with the program.

According to the Mexico Solidarity Network’s website, they “created this unique study abroad program in 2005 to introduce students to dynamic new experiments in autonomous, community-based organizing and to build solidarity with Mexico’s most important and dynamic social movements.”

See MEXICO SOLIDARITY | Page 3

BY JOHN KLUEPFELStaff Writer

FEATURES| BLUE ROOTS | Page 6