Volume 8, Issue 7

Volume 8, Issue 7

April Fools Day

April 1, 2010

An

ge

lo S

tate

’s F

ine

st P

ap

er

Sin

ce F

all

20

06

The most wonderful time of year is upon

us once again! I can’t tell you how excited I

am that the day of awesomeness is finally

drawing nigh! I mean, it’s just so damn excit-

ing! I like using exclamation points today!

You can probably tell that! Anyway, I am so

excited because, by the time you read this

Opening Day for baseball will only be a scant

72 hours away! Not only that, but when

those 72 hours finally painstakingly pass by, I

will be at Ameriquest Field, right behind my

beloved Rangers dugout, close enough to

comb Ian Kinsler’s hair all while eating the

first of many ballpark dogs and sipping a tall,

cold Shiner!

Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! I can’t

wait! There are many reasons that I love both

baseball in general and the Rangers specifi-

cally, but the specifics of my team affiliation

would be lost on most people. You know the

people I mean – Yankee fans. Oh how I hate

the Yankees! Stupid, greedy, self-centered,

narcissistic greenback whores the lot of

them! But that is not what I want to talk

about. I would like to discuss my reasons for

my love affair with baseball, of which there

are about 42. And here they are:

1. Baseball is our national pastime.

2. The smell of fresh cut grass is intoxicat-

ing.

3. The crack of a wooden bat makes me

giggle.

4. Homeruns.

5. No hitters (I saw Nolan Ryan pitch his 7th

in person)

6. Freshly oiled gloves smell sexy.

7. Peanuts AND CrackerJacks.

8. Tons of hot chicks go to baseball games

because they are just as shallow us men

and like looking at men in tight pants as

much as we love staring at them in short

shorts.

9. The cheap seats.

10. Fireworks.

11. Ballpark hot dogs.

12. Mascots are always willing to take pic-

tures with you.

13. Allowable public drunkenness, as long as

you can fake sobriety in front of security.

14. Random strangers who can be as fanatic

as you.

15. The wave.

16. Foul ball souvenirs.

17. There’s a chance you might get to be on

TV.

18. Those frozen fruit thingies are delicious.

19. Watching grown men play a children’s

game is pure entertainment, especially

when they screw up.

20. Baseball is just plain exciting.

21. Nothing beats the moment you step into

the stadium for the first time during any

season.

22. You know you’re not at work if you’re at

the ballpark.

23. Baseball is a great bonding experience.

24. Screaming children are less annoying

than in any other situation.

25. The 7th Inning stretch.

26. Awkward video board kisses.

27. If you go early enough you can watch BP.

Continued on page 4

TXT�U

S�@

�(562)�RAM

DIC

-7�

ASU POSTPONES RAMC.H.O.P., In Other News, Baseball season begins soon...

Go

t C

ar In

sura

nce

?

So a tamale is sorta like a So a tamale is sorta like a So a tamale is sorta like a So a tamale is sorta like a

rolled up situation? rolled up situation? rolled up situation? rolled up situation? ----New YorkerNew YorkerNew YorkerNew Yorker Quote

of Quote

of Quote

of Quote

of

the Week

the Week

the Week

the Week

2

http

://w

ww

.ram

dicu

lous

.co

m/d

r

This week, we are honoring

someone who has helped

shape all of our lives. When

we were young, he helped

us learn so much and

taught us the value of the

letter "J." I am speaking, of

course, of the one, the

only, Big Bird. Through the

work of this prodigious fowl

and all of his friends from

the street, we all learned

important lessons about

acceptance and about help-

ing each other, and about the importance of a normal

pituitary gland so that you don't end up as gargantuan

as him. All in all, throughout his life, he has served us,

and our children, and I hope he will continue to be a

positive influence for years to come.

Do you have someone you think should be Ram of the

Week? Write an article about them and email it

to [email protected]. If your article makes it into

the paper you'll get a gift card!

Ram of the Week Ram of the Week Ram of the Week Ram of the Week

Big BirdBig BirdBig BirdBig Bird

3

According to a recent Harris Poll this is what Republicans

think of

President Obama:

67% think he is a Socialist

57% think he is a Muslim

45% think he was not born in America

38% think he is doing many of the things Hitler did

24% think he may be the antichrist

This is what they believe… And we wonder why

there's no bipartisanship in our government.

Conservative voices (mainly Fox News) have so

fired up the conservative base of this country with

their outright LIES that Republicans in Congress have felt cornered. If they

were to even consider compromising with the President they would cer-

tainly be challenged in a primary and likely lose. After all, why would people

want to be represented by someone who's willing to compromise with a

Socialist Muslim Nazi who has no constitutional right to be President in the

first place and wants to ultimately rule the world and engage in an epic bat-

tle against the forces of good at Armageddon? Man, sounds scary. Yet, with

this belief permeating the minority party, President Obama was still able to

make healthcare reform law last week. Thanks to this (apparently horrible)

person, 32 million Americans who are presently uninsured will have insur-

ance by 2014, and almost all of them will have the cost of that insurance

subsidized by the government, and health insurance companies will actually

have to treat their customers with fairness and respect. Yup, sounds like a

terrorist plot. Well, it does to morons I guess.

Obama FILES

The Incredible Question

The Ramdiculous Response

Well, the euphoria of the Winter Olympics has passed, and the series of frantic withdrawals I had once it was over have finally passed as well..

How To Spice Up Your Love Life and/or Lose Your Significant Other!

How about we start with an ego boost? This is how you can feel like an

Olympic gold medalist after every romantic romp: After every “event”, loudly proclaim “Ladies and gentlemen, the National Anthem of the United States of America!”, and if you can pull it off, raise the American flag for a lot of flair! Of course, you would have to have a CD player on your nightstand (or one of those nifty iPod docking things) to pull this off. But make sure you have the right track on deck before you attempt this, because if you press “play” and Celine Dion comes on, you will likely never see this person again.

Maybe bragging to your lover isn’t enough. Maybe you want to brag to the neighbors, too. For this, it might help to be a little bit nerdy, as it will re-quire a bugle and a slight knowledge of “live action role play” (commonly know as LARPing) to even get this reference. Before you partake in the after-glow of a few well-deserved cigarettes, take out the bugle, hold a note on it as long as you can, and shout out (it helps if your partner joins you) “GAME END!”. It’s not nearly as disgusting as a used rubber on the door knob, and it still helps make the uptight virgin in the adjacent dorm room jealous.

As far as things to do during the actual act itself, I don’t wanna go into details. On that note, it’s amazing how many sexual words start with the letter “C”. But I can tell you this: alcohol is in no way an aphrodisiac. The miscon-ception is that drinking makes people hot and bothered. Maybe it does, but take into consideration half the stupid $#!+ people do when they are drunk. Your friend Jerry Yorke knows this all too well. He has woken up in a King-sized bed that felt like a toddler bed. Put two and two together. If you are even more careless under the influence, keep in mind that it really hurts a child to tell them that their creation was sponsored by Boone’s Farm.

Just a brief pointer for the ladies. Be careful. Just saying this based on hearsay from other men complaining about their ladies, but dang, if men truly liked being gnashed, you would see them putting bear traps in their pants all the time. I think above the belt is generally safe, but until rubbers start carrying the Oscar Meyer logo, men don’t expect their “best friend” to be treated as such.

By the way, men, paper bags are now out of style. Reusable bags are in. Of course, this article doesn’t apply for everyone. There are some people

reading this who are saving themselves for marriage…oh, who the hell am I kidding? Wait…are there? If so, then fine. Here are some ways to make love without really doing it:

Take a walk on the beach. Bake cookies together. Sit under a rainbow and write a poem. Play Jenga. Don’t play Twister, too tempting. Knit a sweater. Cook a romantic dinner. Read the Ramdiculous Page. Ride one of those double-bikes. Have phone sex. But in the midst of all this, try really hard not to die. Because despite the sadness, if anyone found out you were doing any of this, people are going to laugh at you.

And now for the list of how to lose your significant other: Shout out your sibling’s name in. Shout out your ex’s name. Shout out

your parent’s name. Ask for a threesome. In lieu of sundae toppings, asking to use sauerkraut. Asking your man if you can play pitcher. Asking your woman if you can play catcher. Animals. Requesting your lover to wear one of Lady Gaga’s costumes. Fruits and vegetables. Especially melons. The “Strawberry Shortcake” and other various techniques that require punching your mate in the head. Revealing your true gender on “Maury”. Even appearing on “Maury”, for that matter. Pretending that your orgasm is a summoned superpower. Allow me to explain that last one. No saying “Go Go Gadget (Insert Slang Term Here)!”, or “Excelsior!” or "Flame On!" or “Megatron, rejuvenate!”… “Shazam!” is probably the only exception.

I hope we all learned something here today. But if you did learn anything, I hope it is this: I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. That wasn’t an endorsement. I’ve just heard that commercial on the radio a lot lately, and its stuck in my head. Stay thirsty, my friends.

Until next time, -Jerry Yorke

4

28. Hot chicks bring you food if you sit in the right place.

29. Free bobblehead dolls.

30. Double-headers.

31. Fights.

32. Bases loaded, full count, two outs in the bottom of the ninth.

33. Post-game celebrations.

34. Big League Chew.

35. The double play.

36. Watching someone hit for the cycle.

37. Ice cream always tastes better when eaten out of a small

batting helmet.

38. Old people are less grouchy when they are in the sunshine.

39. Vampires only attend the night games, so you’re safe during

the daytime double headers.

40. Horse trough urinals.

41. You can always count on someone getting hit by a foul ball or

a thrown bat.

42. It’s f@%#*! Baseball!

And those are my approximate 42 reasons for loving baseball.

Now, I need to pack so I can go watch my Rangers beat the hell

out of Toronto Monday. Have fun in class, suckas!

--Samuel Clemens

Continued from cover Baseball

Poetry

Time Don't eat cheese

Unless you say please

Or else the elves will come after you

So hang up your spurs

Label them "his" and "hers"

So that sandwiches may taste good to you

Best Wedding Cake EVER!

Porkchop Thanks to:

Alix Henry, Jose Chapa, Sean Apostalo, Aaron Lozano, Maria Renteria, Elizabeth Cavazos

5

ADVERTISE WITH USADVERTISE WITH USADVERTISE WITH USADVERTISE WITH US If you would like your ad to appear in the

Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at [email protected]

Advertising Guidelines

1. Deadline for ads to be submitted is 1:00pm the Tuesday be-

fore publication.

2. Ads will be received only if they are complete. Ramdiculous

Page will not create any ads.

3. Ad size will not exceed one-quarter of a page.

4. Organizations/events may have more than one ad, but no

organization/event will be allowed more than one-quarter of

a page in ad space.

Ramdiculous Page will not advertise for any off-campus event

except in certain circumstances,* or anything of questionable

nature. This includes but is not limited to:

• Alcohol

• drugs

• tobacco

• illegal activities

*Exceptions to this rule will be determined the staff of

Ramdiculous Page

Who’s This?Who’s This?Who’s This?Who’s This?

Text us your answer

(562) RAMDIC-7 (562) 726 3427

Last Week’s Correct Submissions

[email protected]

(325) 942-2063

6 p.m. Monday

UC 113

Last Is

sue’s

Last Is

sue’s

Last Is

sue’s

Last Is

sue’s

Sudoku Solutio

nSudoku Solutio

nSudoku Solutio

nSudoku Solutio

n

R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We

welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, [email protected] or website

www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By

submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor

you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.

Sudoku

Sudoku

Sudoku

Sudoku

Ramdiculous Ramdiculous Ramdiculous Ramdiculous ObservancesObservancesObservancesObservances

Friday

World Autism Day

Saturday

Tangible Karma

Day (What goes

around comes

around… and you can

touch it)

Sunday World Rat Day

(Bring on the

plague!)

Monday National Deep

Dish Pizza Day

(Buy me a pizza)

Tuesday

Drowsy Driver

Awareness Day

(Texting helps

keep you awake)

Wednesday

International

Beaver Day

Thursday

Buddha Day

(Wow, two

holidays in one

week)

Cop Out This movie didn't suck. It

wasn't great; it was about

average. It stars Bruce Willis

and Tracy Morgan, playing

police detectives, Jimmy

Monroe and Paul Hodges. It

begins with them interrogat-

ing a suspect, and Paul goes

through a series of movie

references. This part was

mildly entertaining though

not nearly as funny as I was

led to believe by the trailers

I had seen (that basically

describes most of the

movie). Anyway, this interro-

gation leads to a failed sting

which gets both of them sus-

pended without pay. This is

particularly a problem for

Jimmy who needs money to

pay for his daughter's wed-

ding so that her douche-bag

stepdad can't show him up

by covering it himself. This

leads to some desperate at-

tempts to make sure he has

the money he needs. he gets

himself and hist partner,

Paul, in trouble and caught

up with some Mexican gang-

sters. All throughout, Paul is

trying to figure out if his wife

is cheating on him. In gen-

eral, this movie was enter-

taining. Worth seeing if you

just want to see something,

but it was extremely aver-

age. Very funny a couple

times, a little funny a lot. I

give it a C.

Clash of the TitansClash of the TitansClash of the TitansClash of the Titans 1:00 2:00 3:00 4:00 5:00 6:00 7:00 8:00 9:00 10:00 11:00

The Last SongThe Last SongThe Last SongThe Last Song

2:15 4:55 7:45 10:30

Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too?Married Too?Married Too?Married Too?

1:15 4:15 7:15 10:15

Alice in WonderlandAlice in WonderlandAlice in WonderlandAlice in Wonderland 1:10 4:10 7:10 10:25

Hot Tub Time MachineHot Tub Time MachineHot Tub Time MachineHot Tub Time Machine 1:50 4:20 7:20 10:40

How to Train Your DragonHow to Train Your DragonHow to Train Your DragonHow to Train Your Dragon

1:55 4:45 7:30 10:45

She's Out of My LeagueShe's Out of My LeagueShe's Out of My LeagueShe's Out of My League 2:05 4:40 7:40 10:55

The Bounty HunterThe Bounty HunterThe Bounty HunterThe Bounty Hunter

1:05 2:35 4:05 5:35 7:05 8:35 10:05

Movie Times