Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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Qede`us DydnkFm Emtkrvkmte`m M`vkn

Hy9 Zkrre Hnfdost`do

Z` pr`tkdt lkr mkwh`rm hfhy I`rjfm lfs t`

fhfmj`m lkr. F skqukn t` Emtkrvkmte`m, tles

nftkst m`vkn `a suspkmsk fmj afbeny n`yfnty hy

hkstsknnemc futl`r Zkrre Hnfdost`do `aakrs f

lfrr`wemc n``o ft jruc fjjedte`m, lubfmtrfaaedoemc, fmj tlk dl`edks tlft dfm dlfmck

nevks a`rkvkr.

Nkfrm B`rk |Y`mjkrvfm `m Tdrehj |Y`mjkrvfm.d`b

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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Emtkrvkmte`m Tkreks |Emtkrvkmte`m

|Qede`us Dydnk

F Xkst`rfte`m M`vkn Tkreks |Nfst Neclt

|Meclt Neclt |Zruk Neclt

|Jfwms Neclt

Dfpk Xkauck Tkreks |

Dfpk Xkauck |T`utlkrm Tt`rb |Xevkrs Kjck

|Hrkfokrs Xkka

Mkwp`emtk 566 |Wrevftk Iustedk

|Tlfj`w `a J`uht

|S`rj `a L`m`r |Zrefn hy Aerk |Nemk `a Juty

Tum D`fst Dlr`mednks |Kvejkmdk `a Bkrdy |Iusteaefhnk Bkfms |[ntkre`r B`tevks

|Wrksubpte`m `a Cuent

Tkd`mj Dlfmdks |Mkvkr Fcfem C``j-hyk |Slkm Jrkfbs Dr`ss

|Hnemj Zrust

|Hr`okm Semcs

Setl Hkvkrny NfLfyk |Tkfs`ms [mjkr Lkfvkm

|Tl`wkrs em Tkfs`m |Zebks fmj Tkfs`ms |Tkfs`m `a Hnkssemc

M`vknnfsTkfsejk

@tlkr H``os

Berfdnks(Zlk Nestkmkr/Zlk Ceatkj)

Zlk Lkfrt Xkfjkr

`a Arfmonem Lecl

Zlk Ceatkj T`pl`b`rks

D`vkmfmt Dlenj

Twkkt Jkneclts

H``os hy Zkrre Hnfdost`do

Wrkjft`r

J`uhnk BemjsT`un Xkst`rfte`m

Kbkrfnj Semj`ws

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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Y@MJKXQFM

Qede`us Dydnk

D`pyreclt 8766 hy Zkrre Hnfdost`do

Zles tetnk es fns` fvfenfhnk fs f Y`mjkrvfm kh``o. Qeset www.z`mjkrvfm.d`b/kh``os.

Zles tetnk es fns` fvfenfhnk em f Y`mjkrvfm fuje` kjete`m. Qeset www.z`mjkrvfm.ab.

Xkquksts a`r ema`rbfte`m sl`unj hk fjjrksskj t`9

Y`mjkrvfm, Crfmj Xfpejs, Bedlecfm :5;47

Nehrfry `a D`mcrkss Dftfn`cemc-em-Wuhnedfte`m Jftf

Hnfdost`do, Zkrre, 65;3-

Qede`us dydnk 9 fm emtkrvkmte`m m`vkn / Zkrre Hnfdost`do.

p. db. (Emtkrvkmte`m)

ETHM 53

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Zles h``o

es n`vemcny jkjedftkj

t` tlk Mfzfrkmk

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5

Dlfptkr 6

E sl`unj lfvk jekj.I`rjfm nfy m lkr hn `jy slkkts, lkr mkwh`rm jfucl-tkr em lkr frbs, fmj n`mckj a`r `mk b`rk let. Tlk lfj mkvkr

lftkj lkrskna b`rk. Lkr hfhy lfj d`bk tw` wkkos kfrny,

fmj slk lfjmt hkkm s`hkr km`ucl t` ckt t` tlk l`spetfn.

Cevemc hertl ft l`bk lfj mkvkr hkkm pfrt `a tlk pnfm, huttlkrk wfs m` mk em lkr l`usk wl`sk bemj wfs dnkfr km`ucl

t` dfrk.

Slft oemj `a b`tlkr trfjkj prkmftfn vetfbems a`r drys-

tfn bktl0 Lkr fck wfs m` kxdusk. Ft aeatkkm, I`rjfm omkw

hkttkr tlfm t` ckt lecl wlenk slk wfs prkcmfmt. M`w slk

lfj tles hkfuteaun nettnk cern wetl hec kyks fmj durny hr`wmlfer, emm`dkmdk rfjeftemc neok d`ba`rt ar`b lkr wfrb soem.

Zlft emm`dkmdk, s` rfrk fmj sl`rt-nevkj em lkr afbeny, bfjk

tlk hertl fnn tlk b`rk trfced. S`rsk, tlk hfhy skkbkj wkfo

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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67 Qede` us D ydnk

fmj lfjmt drekj budl, fmj s`bktebks lkr nettnk h`jy wkmt

steaa fmj trkbhnkj.

Sfs slk jyemc0 Lfj I`rjfm tekj `aa tlk ubhenedfn d`rjwr`mc0 Lkr b`tlkr, wl` lfj mdk w`rokj fs f mursks fejk,

lfj t`nj lkr t` usk f sl`kstremc. Slft ea tlft wfs wr`mc0

Slft ea slkj wfetkj t`` n`mc t` dut tlk d`rj0 Et wfsmt neok

slk d`unj trust lkr b`tlkr. Et wfs dnkfr slk jejmt lfvk I`r-

jfms `r tlk hfhys hkst emtkrksts em bemj.

I`rjfm lfj bfjk up lkr bemj t` cevk tlk hfhy up a`r

fj`pte`m, kvkm tl`ucl slkj aknt s` dn`sk t` lkr em tlk nfstakw wkkos fs lkr jfucltkr lfj oedokj fmj squerbkj emsejk

lkr. Slenk slk wfs s`hkr, slkj d`bk t` n`vk tlk hfhy fmj

jrkfb `a f auturk a`r lkr . . . `mk tlft h`rk m` rkskbhnfmdk

t` lkr `wm. Hut `mdk I`rjfm wkmt hfdo emt` tlk frbs `a lkr

n`vkr tlft jruc tlft cfvk lkr f str`mckr lecl tlfm tlk n`vk

`a f h`y tlk hfhy st`ppkj oedoemc. A`r tlk nfst wkko `a

lkr prkcmfmdy, I`rjfm hknekvkj lkr hfhy wfs jkfj. T` slkj

sb`tlkrkj lkr akfr, cuent, fmj creka em b`rk jrucs.

Zlkm nfst meclt lkr wftkr hr`ok, fmj drfbps skezkj lkr.

Tlk lfj rksp`mjkj t` lkr akfr fs slk jej kvkry kb`te`m hy

tfoemc b`rk jrucs. Hy tlk tebk slk aknt tlk mkkj t` pusl, et

wfs t`` nftk t` ckt t` tlk l`spetfn, kvkm ea tlkrk lfj hkkm

s`bk`mk wl` w`unj jrevk lkr.Tlk drfvkj fm`tlkr let, hut slk wfs `ut `a edk. Lkr

b`tlkr fmj hr`tlkr dnfebkj t` hk `ut t``. Zlkyj fnrkfjy

hurmkj tlr`ucl Ykoks dfsem` wem, s` `mk `a tlkb w`unj

lfvk t` aemj f wfy t` sd`rk. Bfyhk et wfs hkttkr ea tlky

jejmt, tl`ucl. Lkr hfhy mkkjkj lkr.

Tlk wrfppkj tlk dlenj em f jerty t`wkn, swfjjnemc et neok

slkj skkm `m `mk `a tl`sk hfhy sl`ws. Tlk lfjmt kxpkdtkj

t` n`vk et s` aekrdkny. Zlk hfhy lfj hec kyks, fmj m`w fmj

tlkm slk w`unj `pkm tlkb fmj n``o up ft I`rjfm, fs ea t`

sfy, T` y`urk tlk `mk wl`s supp`skj t` pr`tkdt bk0

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 66

Zlk j``r t` lkr hkjr``b hurst `pkm, fmj I`rjfms

b`tlkr, kyks jfmdemc wetl jruc-emjudkj wenjmkss, sw``pkj

em wetl slkkts em lkr lfmj. Tlk bust lfvk hkkm l`njemc `ut`m I`rjfm. Tlk lfj f skdrkt stfsl `a j`pk s`bkwlkrk tlft

slk jejmt wfmt t` slfrk.

[p, up, up, slk sfej wetl trkbhnemc kmkrcy. D`bk m,

hfhy, y`uvk bfjk f bkss. M`w nkts dnkfm et up.

Temdk wlkm jej lkr b`tlkr dfrk fh`ut mkftmkss0 X`ttkm

jeslks akstkrkj em kvkry r``b, fmj cfrhfck spennkj `vkr `m

tlk an``rs. B`b, E lfvk t` ckt tlk hfhy t` tlk l`spetfn.Tlks m`t fdtemc reclt, fmj E j`mt om`w fh`ut tlk d`rj.

Lkr b`tlkr nkfmkj `vkr tlk hfhy, stfrkj j`wm ft lkr

wetl lfrj, stkkn-crfy kyks. N``os aemk t` bk. Evk dfnnkj tlk

Mkns`ms. Zlkynn hk lkrk s``m. Zlkyrk fmxe`us t` ckt tlker

hfhy.

Zlk Mkns`ms0 M`, tles wfsmt l`w et wfs supp`skj t` c`.

Lkr b`tlkr rknkfskj tlk aettkj slkkt ar`b tlk d`rmkrs

`a `mk sejk `a tlk bfttrkss fmj punnkj et up, dnkfrny tryemc

t` r`nn tlkb h`tl `ut. I`rjfm hrfdkj lkrskna. Tt`p! B`b,

E dfmt.

Ckt up, lkr b`tlkr sfej, dnfppemc. D`bk `m. Skvk

c`t t` ckt tlk nettnk tlemc dnkfmkj up hka`rk ets b`bby fmj

jfjjy d`bk. Ea tlky d`bk hfdo lkrk E j`mt wfmt tlkb t`skk tlksk slkkts.

B`b y`u j`mt ckt t` pedo lkr pfrkmts! I`rjfm c`t

up, dnutdlemc tlk hfhy. Hn``j ruslkj ar`b lkr lkfj, hn`tdlks

hnurremc lkr vese`m. Evk w`rokj et fnn `ut wetl tlk fj`pte`m

fckmdy. Enn dfnn tlkb fmj tknn tlkb

Lkr b`tlkrs afdk lfrjkmkj kvkm b`rk, fnn lkr wremonks

ar`b lfrj nevemc stfrony vesehnk m`w. Ets f j`mk jkfn, jfr-

nem. Hfhy, wk lfvk t` j` tles. Ets crkft a`r `ur afbeny! Zles

es tlk wl`nk rkfs`m wk nkt y`u nkfvk rklfh kfrny.

Ets m`t tlk rkfs`m y`u cfvk bk, B`b. U`u sfej y`u

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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68 Qede` us D ydnk

besskj bk, tlft E mkkjkj by bfbf wlenk E wfs prkcmfmt.

Hut et wfs fnn f nek.

Lkr b`tlkr smfppkj tlk slkkts. A`rty tl`usfmj j`n-nfrs, hfhy. J` y`u om`w l`w budl edk tlftnn huy0

Iust tfok lkr t` tlk l`spetfn t` bfok surk slks fnn reclt.

Zlkm wk dfm tfno fh`ut wl`

M`! lkr b`tlkr hknn`wkj, fmj tlk hfhy ikrokj fmj

stfrtkj t` dry.

I`rjfm punnkj tlk hfhys lkfj up t` lkr sl`unjkr fmj

ruhhkj lkr hfdo. Tlk wfs s` temy, iust f nettnk hfnn. Lkr frbsfmj nkcs tlrfslkj, fs ea slk pr`tkstkj lkr hertl emt` tlk

wr`mc afbeny.

Ets mkw pfrkmts dfm tfok et t` tlk l`spetfn, lkr b`tlkr

sfej.

M`t et lkr! L`w d`unj lkr b`tlkr tfno fh`ut lkr fs

ea slk wkrk fm `hikdt0 Fmj tlkyrk m`t lkr pfrkmts. E j`mt

om`w tlkb. Zlkyrk m`t `m tlk nest tlk fckmdy cfvk bk.

Lkr b`tlkr anumc tlk s`enkj slkkts emt` f d`rmkr. Zlk

hn``j lfj skkpkj tlr`ucl fmj stfemkj tlk bfttrkss. N``o

wlft y`u jej, y`u pekdk `a trfsl! Hnkkjemc fnn `vkr tlk

bfttrkss.

Ea y`uj tfokm bk t` tlk l`spetfn

Z` j` wlft0 Nkt tlkb frrkst y`u hkdfusk y`u wkrklecl fs f oetk wlenk y`u wkrk cevemc hertl t` tlft oej0 Nkt

tlkb frrkst bk0 Eb `m pr`hfte`m. U`u om`w tlky dfmt skk

bk neok tles. Fmj y`urk aeatkkm. Zlky beclt lfvk tfokm y`u

fwfy ar`b bk, put y`u emt` a`stkr dfrk. Zlkm wlkrk w`unj

y`u hk0 @r tlky d`unj tfok tlk hfhy fwfy fmj put et emt`

a`stkr dfrk. Zlkm wk c`t m`tlemc t` sl`w a`r et. E femt c`mmf

nkt tlft lfppkm.

I`rjfm squkkzkj lkr kyks slut. Ea slkj `mny stfykj em

rklfh, umjkr tlk pr`tkdtevk wemcs `a Mkw Jfy.

Tlk aknt jezzy, wkfo, hut fs slk lknj tlk hfhy, lkr b`tlkr

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 64

tlrkw tlk dnkfm slkkts ft lkr. Wut tlksk m tlk hkj. Hut aerst

ckt tlft stfem `ut `a tlk bfttrkss.

B`b . . . E mkkj s`bk tlemcs. Tlk okpt lkr v`edk n`w.T`bktlemc t` jrkss lkr em. T`bk jefpkrs. H`ttnks.

U`u dfm mursk lkr umten tlky tfok lkr. Eb m`t puttemc

`mk pkmmy emt` tles. Zlkyrkpfyemc bk! Tlk yfmokj tlk

hfhy `ut `a I`rjfms frbs. Enn l`nj et wlenk y`u dlfmck tlk

hkj.

I`rjfm lksetftkj, umkfsy fh`ut tlk arfcenk hfhy em tlk

lfmjs `a f wenj w`bfm wl` jejmt om`w lkr `wm jruc-emjudkj strkmctl.

J` et! lkr b`tlkr sdrkfbkj.

Fcfem, tlk hfhy nkt ut f tkrreaekj l`wn. I`rjfm t``o lkr

hfdo. E wenn, B`b, slk sfej s`atny. Iust nkt bk put tlk

hfhy j`wm.

Hrkftlemc lfrj, lkr b`tlkr wftdlkj fs I`rjfm nfej tlk

hfhy `m tlk an``r fmj trekj t` bfok lkr d`ba`rtfhnk. Zlkm

I`rjfm c`t f t`wkn fmj hn`ttkj ft tlk hn``j stfem `m tlk bft-

trkss, wftdlemc tlk hfhy ar`b tlk d`rmkr `a lkr kyk.

Tlk d`unjmt ckt tlk stfem `ut, s` slk crfhhkj tlk mkw

slkkts fmj t`sskj tlkb `vkr tlk bfttrkss. @ut `a seclt, `ut

`a bemj, slk l`pkj. Fs slk w`rokj, slk pfmtkj, aecltemc

jezzemkss. Lkr h`mks fdlkj, fmj slk slevkrkj wetl dlenns,tl`ucl lkr soem wfs jfbp wetl pkrsperfte`m.

M`w dnkfm tlk oej up. E wfmt et t` bfok f c``j ebprks-

se`m. Sesl slk wfs f hn`mjk. Zlky pfy b`rk a`r hn`mjks.

I`rjfm trekj `mk nfst tebk. J`mt y`u tlemo slknn n``o

hkttkr t` tlft d`upnk ea slks jrksskj0 Zlkyrk m`t c`mmf

wfmt t` tfok lkr wetl`ut f jefpkr `r `utaet. Ckt Ykok t` c`

fmj ckt lkr s`bk tlemcs.

Lkr b`tlkr lksetftkj, tlkm wfnokj `ut. F akw bemutks

nftkr, I`rjfm lkfrj lkr slrekoemc ft lkr hr`tlkr. Fatkr f n`uj

kxdlfmck, tlk ar`mt j``r snfbbkj.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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6: Qede` us D ydnk

I`rjfms lfmjs trkbhnkj fs slk pedokj up tlk hfhy fmj

wrfppkj lkr em tlk t`wkn fcfem. Zlksk pk`pnk lkr b`tlkr

lfj a`umj t` tfok tlk hfhy l`w jej tlky kvkm om`w I`r-jfms b`tlkr fmj hr`tlkr, wl` `mny lumc `ut wetl n`skrs

fmj d`mvedts0 A`rty tl`usfmj j`nnfrs wfs f n`t `a b`mky.

Bfyhk et bkfmt tlky wkrk jkspkrftk a`r f dlenj fmj w`unj

hk c``j pfrkmts.

Hut s`bktlemc fh`ut tles wl`nk sdlkbk stfmo. Tlk

d`unjmt nkt et lfppkm.

Zlk hfhys dryemc crkw n`ujkr, tlkm senkmdkj fs lkr nettnkh`jy frdlkj fmj ikrokj. Sfs tles f skezurk0 Wfmed jr`vk

I`rjfm t` tlk wemj`w. Tlkj lfvk t` dnebh ut wetl tlk hfhy

fmj ckt t` tlk dfr. Hut Ykok lfj tfokm et.

I`rjfm jrfcckj f dlfer t tlk wemj`w. Slkm Ykok dfbk

hfdo, bfyhk slk d`unj bfok lkr ksdfpk. Lkr dlenjs wl`nk

neak lumc `m tlk arfykj d`rj `a f n`t `a bfyhks. Fmj slk

omkw ar`b pfst kxpkrekmdk tlft bfyhks mkvkr w`rokj `ut

em lkr afv`r.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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6;

Dlfptkr 8

N``os neok wkvk c`t f mkwhek, Nfmdk D`vemct`m t`nj lesb`tlkr fs tlky punnkj emt` tlk pfroemc n`t ft Mkw JfyZrkftbkmt Dkmtkr.

Hfrhfrf cnfmdkj ft tlk tkkmfckj cern ckttemc `ut `a tlk

dfr mkxt t` tlkb. Lkr kyks wkrk puaay ar`b dryemc, fmj slk

n``okj fs ea lkr neak wfs `vkr. Lkr pfrkmts skkbkj kvkm b`rkjestrfuclt. Kvkm ar`b emsejk lkr dfr, Hfrhfrf skmskj tlk tkm-

se`m reppnemc hktwkkm tlk cern fmj lkr pfrkmts fs tlky c`t lkr

suetdfsk `ut `a tlk trumo.

Hfrhfrf rkbkbhkrkj tlft aerst jfy `a Kbenys trkftbkmt

neok et wfs nfst wkko, rftlkr tlfm f wl`nk ykfr fc`. Ft nkfst

tlkyj a`umj f pnfdk reclt lkrk em tlker l`bkt`wm, Ikaakr-s`m Dety, s` Hfrhfrf fmj Nfmdk d`unj veset kvkry wkkokmj.

Zl`ucl Kbeny lfj rkfnezkj slk mkkjkj lknp fmj c`mk t` tlk

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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61 Qede` us D ydnk

tkkm trkftbkmt dkmtkr v`numtfreny, Hfrhfrf lfj stenn hfttnkj

druslemc akknemcs `a creka.

Tlkj tfokm Kbeny em wetl fnn tlk hkn`mcemcs tlky lfjs` dfrkaunny pfdokj t` bfok lkr d`ba`rtfhnk a`r f ykfrs

stfy. Zlk d`umskn`r kxfbemkj kvkry etkb t` bfok dkrtfem m`

jrucs wkrk lejjkm fwfy. Kvkry d`mtfemkr wfs `pkmkj, kvkry

p`dokt dlkdokj. Fmj slk pfej dfrkaun fttkmte`m t` nememcs

fmj lkbs, d`bb`m lejemc pnfdks `a fjjedts.

Zlk slfokj`wm kxp`skj f pfdo `a decfrkttks lejjkm em

f p`dokt `a `mk `a Kbenys swkftkrs. Ft nkfst et wfsmt jrucs,hut tlk sbfnn emarfdte`m jeslkfrtkmkj Hfrhfrf km`ucl t`

bfok lkr j`uht Kbenys semdkrety.

B`b, Eb cevemc up kvkrytlemc, Kbeny t`nj lkr. E

tl`uclt f decfrkttk m`w fmj tlkm w`unj lknp kfsk bk em.

Kbenys kxpnfmfte`m lfjmt bfjk Hfrhfrf akkn hkttkr.

Slft knsk lfj slk smkfokj em0

J`res, tlk emtfok d`umskn`r, skkbkj umjfumtkj slk

iust t`sskj tlk decfrkttks em tlk trfsl fmj okpt pfremc Kbenys

hkn`mcemcs j`wm t` wlft w`unj aet em f sbfnn pnfsted hem.

Slkm slk aemeslkj wkkjemc `ut tlk tlemcs Kbeny d`unjmt

okkp, J`res lknpkj Hfrhfrf rkturm tlkb t` lkr dfr. Fs slkj

jrevkm fwfy tlft aerst jfy, Hfrhfrf lfj wkpt wetl w`rry

`vkr lkr jfucltkrs pneclt. B`st kecltkkm-ykfr-`nj cernsjejmt lfvk t` cevk up f ykfr `a tlker nevks t` aeclt f hfttnk

rfcemc emsejk tlkb.

Hut m`w, f ykfr nftkr, Hfrhfrf omkw et lfj fnn hkkm

w`rtl et.

Tlk wfmtkj t` tknn tl`sk pfrkmts hremcemc tlker jestrfuclt

jfucltkr em t`jfy tlft et w`unj hk fnn reclt, tlft tlkrk wfs

neclt ft tlk kmj `a tlker jfro tummkn. Zlft tlk ykfr w`unj any

hy afstkr tlfm tlky d`unj ebfcemk. Zlft berfdnks lfppkmkj

lkrk.

Hut tknnemc tlkb tl`sk tlemcs w`unjmt fssufck tlker

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 63

pfem. Zlk jkdese`m t` dlkdo tlker dlenj emt` f ykfr-n`mc pr`-

crfb d`unjmt lfvk hkkm kfsy, fmj et jejmt d`bk wetl`ut

cuent fmj akknemcs `a afenurk.Hfrhfrf fmj Nfmdk c`t `ut `a tlker dfr fmj rkfdlkj tlk

bfem huenjemc hka`rk tlk arfcenk afbeny jej, s` slk `pkmkj

tlk j``r a`r tlkb fmj aakrkj f rkfssuremc sbenk. Zlk s`umj

`a semcemc dfbk ar`b tlk bfem r``b, fmj fnn tlrkk mkwd`b-

krs n``okj t`wfrj et.

Ets tlk dl`er, Hfrhfrf sfej. Zlky s`umj hkfuteaun,

j`mt tlky0Zlk cern m`jjkj fmj t`sskj lkr lfer hfdo ar`b lkr afdk,

fs ea slk wfmtkj t` n``o lkr hkst ea fmy `a tlk cerns dfuclt f

cnebpsk `a lkr. E jejmt kxpkdt t` lkfr semcemc, slk sfej.

Zlk s`mc kmjkj fs tlky wfnokj emt` tlk a`ykr. Hky`mj

tlk j``rs t` tlk nkat, tlk cerns em tlk bfem r``b kruptkj

em nfucltkr. Hfrhfrf n``okj a`r Kbeny fmj sfw lkr settemc

`m tlk kjck `a f tfhnk, surr`umjkj hy arekmjs. Tlk n``okj

s` lkfntly, s` wknn. T` umneok lkr fppkfrfmdk wlkm tlkyj

hr`uclt lkr em f ykfr fc`.

Hfrhfrf sbenkj ft tlk mkw cerns b`tlkr. Zlky nfucl f

n`t lkrk.

Lkr w`rjs, bkfmt t` rkfssurk tlk crekvemc b`tlkr, jej

m`tlemc t` dlfmck lkr kxprksse`m. Z` tles w`bfm, jfys `anfucltkr pr`hfhny skkbkj afr emt` tlk auturk bfyhk kvkm

f l`pknkss jrkfb.

Bfm, Eb c`mmf bess tles pnfdk, Nfmdk sfej.

Hfrhfrf dludonkj fmj cnfmdkj ft lkr cfmcny s`m, wl`j

cr`wm a`ur emdlks em tlk nfst ykfr. Slkrk knsk j` y`u lfvk

s` bfmy fj`remc afms0

Lk nfuclkj fmj rkcfrjkj tlk mkw cern. Slft frk y`u em

a`r0 Sfet, j`mt tknn bk penns, reclt0

Nfmdk! L`rreaekj, Hfrhfrf turmkj t` tlk cern fmj lkr

pfrkmts. Eb s` s`rry.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

15/41

6< Qede` us D ydnk

Zlk cern n``okj j`wm ft lkr akkt.

Lky, m` `aakmsk, `ofy0 Nfmdk sfej. E jejmt bkfm

fmytlemc hfj.Hfrhfrf t`udlkj les sl`unjkr. Iust . . . j`mt tfno.

Lk stfrtkj t` sfy s`bktlemc, fmj slk put lkr lfmj `vkr

les b`utl, kyks anfslemc. M`tlemc!

Nfmdk slut up.

Zlk rkdkpte`mest wfsmt ft lkr jkso, s` tlky fnn st``j

tlkrk fwowfrjny a`r f b`bkmt, m` `mk spkfoemc. Aemfnny,

tlk cern n``okj hfdo ft Nfmdk. Zlky nkt cuys c` lkrk0M`, iust cerns `m tles dfbpus. Zlk h`ys dfbpus es

fdr`ss t`wm. By sestkrs lkrk. E veset kvkry Tfturjfy. Zles

y`ur aerst tebk em rklfh0

Fcfem, Hfrhfrf wfmtkj t` snfp leb. Nfmdk, tlfts

km`ucl.

Slft0 lk fsokj. Eb iust lfvemc f d`mvkrsfte`m.

Ets m`mk `a y`ur husemkss.

Zlk cern stujekj lkr akkt fcfem. Zles tebk lkr b`tlkr

sp`ok. Ets m`t lkr aerst tebk.

Aerst tebk t` stfy a`r f wl`nk ykfr, tlk cern buttkrkj

wetl jescust. Nfst tebk wfs `mny f b`mtl.

Nfmdk lfj mkvkr hkkm b`rk dlftty. F b`mtl w`mt dut

et, lk sfej. Zfoks ft nkfst f ykfr a`r f hrfem t` umary.Hfrhfrf d`vkrkj lkr afdk fmj cr`fmkj.

Zlk cerns dlkkoh`mks rkjjkmkj, hut slk a`rdkj f sbenk.

Ets `ofy.

Eb iust sfyem, ets c``j lkrk. M`t neok ifen `r fmytlemc.

By sestkr lfsmt lftkj et.

Hfrhfrf wfmtkj t` tknn tlkb tlft Mkw Jfy lfj cevkm lkr

lkr jfucltkr hfdo wlkm slkj fnb`st jkspferkj `vkr Kbe-

nys auturk. Hut m`t m`w tles afbeny wfs pr`hfhny skktlemc

`vkr Nfmdks nfdo `a tfdt.

Zlk rkdkpte`mest dfbk t` lkr jkso fmj snej tlk cnfss

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

16/41

ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 65

hfdo ar`b tlk wemj`w. Tbenemc, slk sfej, Le, frk y`u tlk

Hkfttys0

Uks, tlk b`tlkr sfej.C``j. Fmj y`urk Zfbby0

Zlk cern m`jjkj cnubny.

Medk t` bkkt y`u. D`bk `m hfdo fmj wknn ckt y`u

stfrtkj.

Fs tlk cerns aftlkr `pkmkj tlk j``r t` tlk d`umsknemc

lfnnwfy, Zfbby turmkj hfdo t` Nfmdk. Tkk yf.

Ukfl, lfmc em tlkrk, `ofy0 A``js c``j.Slkm tlk j``r dn`skj, Hfrhfrf turmkj `m lkr s`m.

Slft es wr`mc wetl y`u0

E wfs iust tryemc t` bfok lkr akkn hkttkr.

Hy fsoemc wlft jrucs slks fjjedtkj t`0

Sknn, ets m`t neok ets f hec skdrkt, B`b. Tlks dlkdoemc

emt` rklfh.

Tlks arfcenk, Nfmdk, fmj s` es lkr afbeny. U u sl`unjmt

lfvk emtkrr`cftkj lkr.

Sledl `mk `a us jej slk sfy skk yf t`0 U`u `r bk0

Fmj tlft tknns y`u wlft0 Hfrhfrf fsokj.

Zlft slk neokj bk. Zlft slk wfsmt tedokj.

Hfrhfrf hnkw `ut f secl. Iust . . . ea y`u skk tlkb fcfem,

pnkfsk j`mt fso lkr qukste`ms neok tlft. Fmj okkp y`ur d`b-bkmts fh`ut arekj bemjs t` y`urskna. Neok y`urk tlk kxpkrt,

fnn `a f sujjkm.

Lky, E wkmt t` afbeny d`umsknemc.

Hfrhfrf fnb`st weslkj slk lfjmt jrfcckj leb tlkrk

wetl lkr. Zlk dnedl wfs truk. F nettnk om`wnkjck d`unj hk f

jfmckr`us tlemc.

Zlk rkdkpte`mest rkturmkj fmj m`jjkj t` Hfrhfrf fmj

Nfmdk. U`u cuys dfm d`bk `m hfdo t``. Kstlkr wenn hk

reclt em.

Hfrhfrf tlfmokj lkr fmj tlky stkppkj tlr`ucl tlk j``r.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

17/41

87 Qede` us Dydnk

Zlk Hkfttys st``j ft tlk kmj `a tlk lfnn, wfetemc t` tfno t`

J`res, tlk fjbesse`ms d`umskn`r. J`res wfs t`ucl fs mfens.

Hfrhfrf l`pkj lkr bfmmkr jejmt bfok tlk mkw afbeny akknw`rsk, kspkdefnny wlkm tlky hkcfm tlk slfokj`wm. Zlk cern

w`unj hk arfzznkj hy tlk tebk slk wfs sl`wm t` tlk Wlfsk 6

`rekmtfte`m frkf wlkrk slk w`unj hkcem jkt`x.

Hfrhfrf sfej f senkmt prfykr tlft tlk cern w`unj lfmc em

tlkrk fmj tlft lkr pfrkmts w`unj akkn rkneka emstkfj `a akfr

`m tlker jrevk l`bk.

Slkm tlky wkrk skttnkj em tlk `aaedk, Kstlkr, Kbenysd`umskn`r, dfbk em, l`njemc f buc `a d`aakk. Skrk s`

kxdetkj fh`ut Kbenys crfjufte`m, slk sfej. Ets f luck

fdd`bpneslbkmt t` stfy tlk aunn ykfr. E w`rry s` budl fh`ut

tlk mks wl` j`mt. Sk lfj mk wfno `ut iust tles wkko, fmj

slk wfs f vkry t`ucl dfsk. Hr`ok by lkfrt. E lfvk f rkfnny

hfj akknemc fh`ut lkr.

Sl` wfs et0 Nfmdk fsokj.

Kstlkr sl`t leb f crem. Nfmdk, y`u om`w tlk d`maejkm-

tefnety runks. E dfmt tfno fh`ut et. Hut wkrk tlrennkj wlkm tlk

`tlkrs skk `mk neok Kbeny ckt t` tlk aemesl nemk. Et rkbemjs

tlkb tlft tlky dfm j` et t``. Tkttemc lkr buc j`wm, slk

`pkmkj f aenk, punnkj `ut skvkrfn pfpkrs. Frk y`u rkfjy t`

lfvk lkr l`bk0Jkpkmjs, Nfmdk sfej hka`rk Hfrhfrf d`unj fmswkr.

Sk dfmt wfet t` lfvk lkr l`bk, Hfrhfrf sfej. Etnn hk

s` c``j t` ckt tlemcs hfdo t` m`rbfn.

Hfrhfrf, wkvk tfnokj fh`ut tles em afbeny d`umsknemc,

hut E lfvk t` c` `vkr et fcfem, hkdfusk ets s` ebp`rtfmt.

Kbenys j`emc crkft, hut y`u mkkj t` okkp y`ur kxpkdtfte`ms

rkfnested. Bfyhk y`u sl`unj hk n``oemc a`r f mkw m`rbfn.

Zlft wfsmt wlft Hfrhfrf wfmtkj t` lkfr. E lftk tlft

plrfsk. E stenn j`mt om`w wlft tlft bkfms.

Et bkfms tlft Kbenys m`t tlk sfbk pkrs`m slk wfs

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

18/41

ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 86

hka`rk slk stfrtkj usemc jrucs. Fmj slks m`t tlk sfbk pkr-

s`m slk wfs wlkm slk dlkdokj em lkrk f ykfr fc`. U`urk m`t

ketlkr. T` j`mt kxpkdt lkr t` skttnk hfdo em fs ea slk lfsmthkkm fwfy a`r f ykfr. Tlk bfy lfvk pr`hnkbs fjiustemc. Fmj

tkbptfte`ms.

Evk hkkm t` fnn tlk d`umsknemc sksse`ms y`uvk `aakrkj

bk, Hfrhfrf sfej, fmj Evk c`mk t` Fn-Fm`m fmj by

dlurdl supp`rt cr`up, s` E tlemo Eb prkpfrkj. E om`w tlkrk

frk c`emc t` hk tkbptfte`ms, hut slks j`emc s` wknn. Ets hkkm

f ykfr, fmj slk j`ksmt skkb t` drfvk jrucs fmyb`rk.Bfyhk m`t lkrk, hkdfusk jrucs frkmt fvfenfhnk. Hut

tlft d`unj dlfmck wlkm slk ckts `ut em tlk w`rnj wlkrk

tlkyrk kfsy t` ckt.

Hfrhfrfs kxprksse`m aknn. E om`w y`urk reclt. E wfmt

tles wl`nk tlemc t` hk `vkr.

J`mt w`rry, Hfrhfrf. Kbenys wknn kqueppkj t` aeclt

tl`sk akknemcs. Hut slk beclt hk f nettnk b``jy, fmj slk

bfy wfmt arkkj`bs y`urk m`t wennemc t` crfmt. Zlfts wly

wk lfvk tlk afbeneks d`bk em hka`rk tlk crfjufte`m. Tlk

a`njkj lkr lfmjs fmj nkfmkj a`rwfrj. Ets ebp`rtfmt tlft

y`u jkdejk m`w wlft Kbenys runks frk c`emc t` hk. Tlks

memktkkm, s` y`u lfvk t` cevk lkr s`bk arkkj`b, hut slk

umjkrstfmjs tlk mkkj t` rkhuenj trust. Zlk b`rk y`u `utnemkfmj jesduss flkfj `a tebk, tlk akwkr pr`hnkbs y`unn lfvk

wlkm tlemcs d`bk up.

U`urk tfnoemc fh`ut durakws0 Sl` lkr arekmjs frk0

Zlemcs neok tlft0

Durakws, yks, a`r f wlenk. Fs a`r lkr arekmjs, slk om`ws

slk dfmt stkp hfdo emt` tlk derdnks slk wfs em wlkm slk wfs

usemc. Zlfts c`emc t` hk f luck tkbptfte`m. Tlk bfy hk

rkfnny n`mkny a`r f wlenk, umten slk bfoks mkw arekmjs.

T` l`w j` E bfok surk tl`sk pk`pnk stfy `ut `a lkr

neak0

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

19/41

88 Qede` us Dydnk

J`mt w`rry fh`ut et, Nfmdk sfej. Enn bfok surk. Ea

slk kvkm stfrts t` lfmc `ut wetl lkr `nj cr`up

Tlks stfrtemc d`nnkck em Ifmufry, Hfrhfrf dut em.Tlknn bfok f wl`nk mkw cr`up `a arekmjs tlkrk. Fmj slknn

hk nevemc ft l`bk a`r tlk aerst ykfr `r tw`, s` wk dfm supp`rt

lkr fmj lknp lkr.

C``j. Iust rkbkbhkr, slk bfy stenn lfvk s`bk fjjed-

tevk hklfve`rs. Slkm by s`m dfbk l`bk ar`b trkftbkmt, lk

wfmtkj t` snkkp fnn jfy fmj stfy up fnn meclt. Lk wfs nftk a`r

w`ro fnb`st kvkry jfy. T`bk jfys lk iust jejmt c`. Lk nkatbkssks fnn `vkr tlk l`usk fmj kxpkdtkj bk t` dnkfm tlkb up.

Lk wfsmt usemc, hut lk aknn reclt hfdo emt` les `nj lfhets.

T`umjs neok f m`rbfn h`y, Hfrhfrf sfej.

Nfmdk cfvk lkr f sfrdfsted sbenk.

Kbenys lfj strudturk lkrk, Kstlkr sfej. Tlks c`emc

t` mkkj et ft l`bk t``. Tlk lfs f sdlkjunk fnrkfjy wlft

slknn j` `m B`mjfys, Zuksjfys, Skjmksjfys . . . Tlk rkfnny

mkkjs t` lfvk lkr tebk aennkj up fmj pnfmmkj `ut.

Zlk nfst tlemc Hfrhfrf wfmtkj t` hk wfs f wfrjkm.

T` wlft fh`ut lkr dfr0 Nfmdk fsokj. S`unjmt y`u

sfy et w`unj huenj dlfrfdtkr em lkr t` slfrk et wetl bk0

Kstlkr nfuclkj. E dfmt fjvesk y`u fh`ut tlk usk `a lkr

dfr, Nfmdk. Medk try, tl`ucl.Eb iust sfyem, slk lfsmt jrevkm a`r f ykfr, s` bfyhk

E d`unj jrevk lkr fr`umj a`r f wlenk. Zlkm wlkm E ckt by

nedkmsk, slk fmj E dfm slfrk tlk dfr

Nfmdk, Hfrhfrf dut em, y`ur pkrbet nkts y`u jrevk

wetl f pfrkmt, crfmjpfrkmt, nkcfn cufrjefm, `r emstrudt`r.

M`t y`ur memktkkm-ykfr-`nj sestkr. Sly wkrk tlky tfnoemc

fh`ut tles m`w0 Nfmdk lfj c`ttkm tlkb aa suhikdt. Hfrhfrf

n``okj ft lkr wftdl. Tlk lfj t` hk ft w`ro em fm l`ur, s`

slk mkkjkj t` b`vk tles fn`mc.

Tlk lkfrj dlfttkremc v`edks tlr`ucl tlk wfnn. T`umjs

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

20/41

ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 84

neok dl`er prfdtedk es `vkr. Nfmdk, wly j`mt y`u c` tfno t`

tlk cerns a`r f wlenk0 Enn aemesl up lkrk.

Nfmdk sprfmc up. Twkkt. U`u j`mt mkkj bk, j` y`u,Bess Kstlkr0

Kstlkr dludonkj. M`, y`u c` flkfj.

Lk wkmt tlr`ucl tlk j``r, tlkm nkfmkj hfdo em. Lky,

j`mt tfno lkr emt` cevemc bk fmy b`rk strudturk, `ofy0 E

lfvk fnn `a et E mkkj.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

21/41

8:

Dlfptkr 4

Nfmdk wfetkj `utsejk tlk d`bbumety r``b umten tlk cernsdfbk `utsejk. Fs tlky jej, lk fddkptkj tlker fj`remc lucsfmj lknn`s fmj a`nn`wkj Kbeny fmj lkr arekmjs t` tlk p`mj.

Les b`b lfj hkkm reclt tlk cerns n`vkj leb lkrk, fmj

tlfts wly lk mkvkr besskj f vesetemc jfy. Hut lk supp`skj et

wfs tebk a`r Kbeny t` d`bk l`bk. Tlkj cr`wm up f n`t emtlk nfst ykfr, fmj lk wfs prktty surk slk d`unj dut et `m tlk

`utsejk wetl`ut c`emc hfdo t` jrucs.

Jej y`u lkfr fh`ut I`rjfm0 Kbeny fsokj leb em f n`w

v`edk fs tlky fbhnkj fdr`ss tlk crfss.

M` jej slk lfvk tlk hfhy0

Sk j`mt om`w, Kbeny sfej. Tlk t``o `aa em tlk bej-jnk `a tlk meclt f akw jfys fc`.

Nfmdk st`ppkj wfnoemc. M` wfy. U`urk oejjemc, reclt0

Nfmdk, j`mt tfok et pkrs`mfnny.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

22/41

ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 8;

Lk d`unjmt lknp et. Zlk dresp fer wleppkj les lfer emt`

les kyks fs lk stfrkj ft tlk p`mj, tryemc t` ebfcemk wly I`r-

jfm w`unj j` f tlemc neok tlft. Lk sl`unj lfvk om`wm lesaeatkkm-ykfr-`nj dnfssbftk d`unjmt okkp lkr d`bbetbkmt t`

stfy s`hkr.

Hka`rk slkj d`bk lkrk, Nfmdk fmj I`rjfm lfjmt hkkm

vkry c``j arekmjs, semdk slk lumc `ut wetl jrucceks fmj

tlucs. Hut wlkm lk a`umj `ut slk wfs prkcmfmt fmj stenn

fdtevkny usemc drystfn bktl, lk d`unjmt lejk les jescust. @mk

jfy wlkm slk dfbk t` sdl``n dnkfrny lecl, lkr hknny hkcem-memc t` sl`w tlr`ucl f teclt Z-slert, lk d`mar`mtkj lkr.

U`u om`w, ets y`ur husemkss ea y`u wfmt t` hk f n`skr,

hut y`u sl`unj rkfnny tlemo fh`ut wlft y`urk j`emc t` y`ur

oej.

Tlk squemtkj up ft leb. Slft es y`ur pr`hnkb0

Wrkcmfmt iumoeks bfok bk sedo.

Tlk rkfrkj hfdo fmj snfppkj leb. Nfmdk dfuclt les

hrkftl fmj stkppkj hfdo, prkssemc les lfmj `vkr tlk hurm-

emc sp`t `m les dlkko. U`urk `ut `a d`mtr`n, I`rjfm, iust

neok by sestkr wfs.

By neak es m`mk `a y`ur husemkss. Lkr tkfrs surpreskj

leb. Lkj aecurkj slk wfs t`` d`nj t` ckt lkr akknemcs lurt.

Akknemc cuenty, lk nkfmkj hfdo fcfemst tlk n`dokrs, stfremc fttlk dkenemc. Lk sl`unjmt lfvk hkkm s` lfrsl. Tlk wfs lubfm

fmj slk lfj akknemcs, kvkm ea slk wfs stupej. Lk a`rdkj leb-

skna t` n``o emt` lkr hn`tdly afdk. N``o, E om`w wlkrk y`u

dfm ckt lknp.

M`h`jy dfm lknp bk.

Uks, tlky dfm. Ea by sestkr dfm dlfmck, fmyh`jy dfm.

Tlk wfs hfj `aa.

I`rjfm wepkj lkr afdk `m lkr snkkvk. E rkbkbhkr lkr.

Hut slks jeaakrkmt m`w. Tlk wkmt t` trkftbkmt, fmj

slks nkfrmemc l`w t` nevk s`hkr.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

23/41

81 Qede` us Dydnk

E j`mt lfvk fmy b`mky, slk sfej. By b`b . . . m`

wfy slkj kvkr spkmj f dkmt `m tlft.

U`u j`mt mkkj b`mky. Dlurdlks fmj Dlrestefm pk`pnksupp`rt tlk pnfdk. Ets f c``j pnfdk. Tlk neoks et.

E j`mt om`w. E d`unjmt lfmjnk fnn tlft Dlrestefm stuaa.

Lk sfw pfem em lkr kyks fmj f jkspkrftk mkkj t` hrkfo

arkk `a lkr dlfems. Bfyhk slk rkfnny jejmt wfmt t` hk neok

tles. Iust tfok f stkp, I`rjfm. J` et a`r y`ur hfhy.

Tlk t`udlkj lkr st`bfdl, fmj a`r f b`bkmt, lk tl`uclt

slk beclt nestkm.Tlk jejmt. M`t tlkm.

Hut f d`upnk `a b`mtls nftkr, fs lkr prkcmfmdy hkcfm t`

sl`w fmj tlk jkspkrfte`m em lkr kyks crkw b`rk emtkmsk, slk

dfbk t` leb fatkr fnckhrf. Nkfmemc `vkr les jkso, slk sfej,

Dfm y`u lknp bk ckt emt` tlft pnfdk0

Lk n``okj up ft lkr. Slft pnfdk0

Zlft pnfdk wlkrk y`ur sestkr es.

Nfmdk dfuclt les hrkftl fmj c`t up. Turk. Zlky om`w

bk. E dfm ckt y`u em. Lk l`pkj et wfs truk, tlft tlky

w`unjmt bfok lkr wfet a`r f hkj tlk wfy Kbeny lfj lfj t`

wfet. Ea tlky jej, slk beclt dlfmck lkr bemj. Sk d`unj c`

hy tlkrk fmj y`u d`unj tfno t` tlkb. E d`unj ckt by b`b t`

tfok us t`jfy. Tlks pedoemc bk up fatkr sdl``n.Zlft fatkrm``m, lk fmj les b`tlkr t``o I`rjfm a`r f

t`ur `a Mkw Jfy. Slkm tlky t`nj lkr slk d`unj dlkdo em

wetl`ut pfyemc f jebk, slk w`rokj up tlk d`urfck fmj

fcrkkj. Lkr b`tlkr, wl` mkkjkj trkftbkmt lkrskna, lfj

rknudtfmtny secmkj tlk pfpkrs, pr`hfhny cnfj t` jubp lkr `m

s`bk`mk knsk.

[p umten m`w, Nfmdk lfj d`msejkrkj tles `mk a les crkft

pkrs`mfn fdd`bpneslbkmts. Lk sfw I`rjfm kvkry Tfturjfy

wlkm lk dfbk t` veset Kbeny, fmj lkj wftdlkj lkr pr`crkss

wetl prejk.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

24/41

ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 83

M`w slk wfs c`mk, wetl`ut f w`rj `a wfrmemc, wetl`ut

cevemc leb f dlfmdk t` tfno lkr `ut `a et.

Lk stkppkj t` tlk kjck `a tlk wftkr, pedokj up f r`do,fmj tlrkw et t` tlk dkmtkr `a tlk p`mj. Et jr`ppkj wetl f

pnumo, reppnks sprkfjemc. Lk tl`uclt fh`ut I`rjfms akw ves-

ets ar`b lkr fhusevk b`tlkr fmj hr`tlkr, vesets tlft fnwfys

nkat lkr em tkfrs. Sly w`unj slk c` hfdo t` tlft0

Kbeny put lkr lfmj `m les hfdo. U`u `ofy0

Sly jej slk nkfvk0

E j`mt om`w, slk sfej. Tlk jejmt tfno t` fmy `a usfh`ut et. Hut E j`mt tlemo lkr b`b rkfnny wfmtkj lkr t` ckt

wknn.

E om`w wly slk nkat, s`bk`mk hklemj leb sfej.

Nfmdk turmkj t` skk Fbfmjf, `mk `a Kbenys r``bbftks.

Sly0

Tlk wfs aekmjemc a`r j`pk, tlfts wly.

Lk l`pkj m`t. Tlkj hkcum t` dfrk fh`ut tlk hfhy slk

wfs dfrryemc, hut usemc bktl wlenk slk wfs prkcmfmt d`unj

skre`usny lurt et. J` y`u tlemo slk wkmt l`bk0

Wr`hfhny, Kbeny sfej. Hut ets tkrrehnk tlkrk. Fmj slks

juk fmy jfy.

Nfmdk lfj aknt tlk hfhy oedo fmj lfj hkkm fbfzkj hy

tlk untrfs`umj pedturk I`rjfm dfrrekj em lkr pursk. Slft easlk lfj c`mk hfdo t` jrucs0

Bfyhk E d`unj try t` dfnn lkr, lk sfej. Tkk ea E d`unj

tfno s`bk skmsk emt` lkr.

Kbeny swkpt lkr hn`mjk lfer hklemj lkr kfrs fmj stujekj

leb a`r f bemutk. Ets w`rtl f try. Zknn lkr wk bess lkr.

J`mt w`rry, lk sfej. Ea E aemj lkr, Enn tfno lkr emt`

d`bemc hfdo. E c`t lkr lkrk tlk aerst tebk. Tlk nestkms t` bk.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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8

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

26/41

ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 85

hfdocr`umj fmj kxpkrekmdk cfvk lkr fm kjck. Nfst wkko

slkj lknpkj f afbeny wl`sk l`usk lfj hurmkj. Zlky wkrk

rkhuenjemc fmj mkkjkj t` aurmesl kvkry r``b. Zlk d`bbes-se`m lfj hkkm f hnkssemc ar`b C`j. Zlkyj sfej slkwfs tlk

hnkssemc, semdk huyemc ar`b lkr wfs neok lfvemc tlker `wm

emtkre`r jkd`rft`r.

Kvkm wetl tlft d`bbesse`m, tlemcs w`unj hk teclt wlkm

Kbeny dfbk l`bk. Hfrhfrf w`unj lfvk t` rksubk pfyemc

Kbenys dfr emsurfmdk, huy lkr s`bk dn`tlks, pfy tuete`m a`r

tlk d`nnkck dnfssks slkj hk tfoemc em Ifmufry. Tlk l`pkj slkd`unj bfmfck et fnn. Kvkr semdk lkr lushfmj jekj aevk ykfrs fc`,

okkpemc lkr afbeny aemfmdefnny fan`ft lfj hkkm lkr rksp`msehen-

ety. Tlk w`unj bfok et w`ro s`bkl`w. Tlk fnwfys lfj.

Lkr pl`mk vehrftkj, fmj slk punnkj et `ut `a lkr p`dokt

fmj sfw tlft slk lfj f v`edkbfen. Tlkj m`tedkj et vehrftemc

kfrnekr wlkm slkj hkkm wetl f dust`bkr, hut slkj ecm`rkj

et. M`w slk nestkmkj t` tlk bkssfck fmj sbenkj fs slk lkfrj

Okmt Lfrnfms v`edk.

Lky, Hfrh. T`rry E besskj y`u. E wfs iust . . . tlemoemc

tlft bfyhk E d`unj tfok f jfy `r tw` `aa fmj d`bk t` Kbe-

nys crfjufte`m B`mjfy. J`mt om`w ea y`u wfmt bk tlkrk

`r m`t. Zlkrk wfs f n`mc pfusk. Ea y`u tlemo et w`unj hk

hkttkr a`r Kbeny ea E wkrkmt tlkrk, m` pr`hnkb. E wfmt lkrt` lfvk f rkfnny c``j jfy. Fcfem, lk lksetftkj, fs ea s`bk

umsp`okm qukste`m lumc hktwkkm tlkb. E wfmt y`u t` lfvk

f c``j jfy t``. L`pk y`urk lfvemc f c``j jfy t`jfy.

Zlk fwowfrj bkssfck bfjk lkr sbenk fcfem. A`r f

t`ucl l`bedejk d`p, tlkrk wfs s`bktlemc vkry vunmkrfhnk

fh`ut Okmt.

Tlk tl`uclt `a dfnnemc leb hfdo hut jejmt om`w wlft

t` tknn leb. Tl`unj lk d`bk, `r sl`unjmt lk0 A`r tlk nfst

ykfr, tlkyj tfnokj `m tlk pl`mk f n`t, fmj lkj a`umj

kxdusks t` d`bk t` Ikaakrs`m Dety f d`upnk `a tebks t` skk

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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47 Qede` us D ydnk

lkr. Hut jestfmdk bfjk et jeaaedunt t` pursuk f skre`us rknf-

te`mslep. A`dusemc `m lkr dlenjrkm wfs tlk b`st ebp`rtfmt

tlemc.Kbeny lfj hkkm s` tr`uhnkj fatkr lkr aftlkrs jkftl. Hfr-

hfrf akfrkj j`emc fmytlemc m`w tlft d`unj rkvevk tl`sk akkn-

emcs. Jkprksse`m fmj creka d`unj trecckr f rknfpsk. Hksejks,

slk wfmtkj crfjufte`m jfy t` hk fh`ut Kbeny, fmj ea Okmt

wkrk tlkrk, Hfrhfrfs fttkmte`m w`unj hk jevejkj. Kbenys

vedt`ry fatkr d`bbettemc f ykfr t` lkr lkfnemc wfs t``

ebp`rtfmt t` jebemesl em fmy wfy.Ttenn . . . Hfrhfrf w`unj rkfnny n`vk t` skk leb.

Hfrhfrf!

Tlk turmkj fmj sfw Neny, `mk `a lkr d`-w`rokrs, d`bemc

t`wfrj lkr wetl f jesturhkj n``o `m lkr afdk. Tlk wfetkj fs

Neny dr`sskj tw` r`ws `a rkdnemkrs. Zlft l`bknkss cuy es

hfdo, slk wlespkrkj.

Hfrhfrf n``okj `vkr Nenys sl`unjkr. Zlk sdruaay bfm

wfs settemc em f Nfmk rkdnemkr, les akkt up fmj les ifw lfmc-

emc `pkm. Lk wfs s`umj fsnkkp.

Eb c`emc t` dfnn tlk p`nedk, Neny sfej. Sk dfmt lfvk

leb em lkrk sdfremc tlk dust`bkrs.

Hfrhfrf t`udlkj Nenys frb. Iust wfet, pnkfsk. Enn tfok

dfrk `a et.Neny n``okj hfdo ft leb. @ofy, tkm bemutks. Ea lks m`t

`ut a lkrk hy tlkm, fmj d`bpnktkny aa tlk prkbesks, emdnuj-

emc tlk pfroemc n`t, Eb lfvemc leb frrkstkj.

Et w`unjmt hk tlk aerst tebk. Hfrhfrf wfnokj up tlk r`w

`a Nf-Y-H`ys t` tlk Nfmk skdte`m fmj sft j`wm em tlk dlfer

mkxt t` tlk bfm. Z`udlemc les frb, slk sfej, I.H., wfok

up.

Zlk bfm sterrkj, fmj les kyks `pkmkj hn``jsl`t, fs

usufn. Les hrkftl sbknnkj rfmdej, fmj rkj, emanfbkj soem

sl`wkj tlr`ucl les spfrsk, umokbpt hkfrj. Les soe dfp wfs

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 46

tlrkfjhfrk fmj aently, fs ea lkj a`umj et em f cfrhfck hem.

Lky, lk sfej, cr`ccy.

I.H., E t`nj y`u, y`u dfmt lfmc `ut em lkrk.Ets d`nj `ut, lk sfej. Ius mkkjkj f pnfdk t` ckt wfrb

a`r f wlenk.

U`u lfvk t` j` et s`bkwlkrk knsk. U`u om`w tlft.

Tlk cnfmdkj t`wfrj tlk jkso, fwfrk tlft lkr d`-w`rokrs

wftdlkj. E tfnokj t` y`ur b`b.

Lk ruhhkj les kyks. Fw, m`.

Tlks rkfnny w`rrekj fh`ut y`u.Zlkm wly w`mt slk nkt bk d`bk l`bk0

Hkdfusk nfst tebk y`u wkrk tlkrk, tlemcs jejmt c` s`

wknn. Zlkrk wfs m` p`emt em bkmte`memc tlft lkj cevkm les

aftlkr f hnfdo kyk fmj pfwmkj les b`tlkrs ikwknry.

E w`mt stfy lkrk n`mc.

U`u dfmt stfy ft fnn. Zlkyrk c`emc t` dfnn tlk p`nedk.

Zlky cfvk bk tkm bemutks t` rum y`u `ut.

Teclemc, lk rkfdlkj a`r tlk nkvkr t` n`wkr tlk a``trkst

hut d`unjmt aemj et. Tlk lknpkj leb n`wkr et, fmj lk sft up

strfecltkr. Fnn reclt, Eb c`emc.

D`bk t` by dfr wetl bk, slk sfej s`atny. U`ur b`b

skmt bk s`bk tlemcs a`r y`u. F wfrb d`ft fmj s`bk cn`vks.

Lk ruhhkj les mkcnkdtkj hkfrj. Zlk d`rmkrs `a les b`utltrkbhnkj, fmj lk d`vkrkj les kyks wetl f aently lfmj.

I.H., y`ur b`b sfej tlk `aakr es stenn `pkm a`r y`u t` c`

t` trkftbkmt. Tlknn d`bk fmj ckt y`u fmj tfok y`u lkrskna.

E j`mt mkkj trkftbkmt, lk snurrkj. E j`mt lfvk f

pr`hnkb. Lk puslkj lebskna up wetl crkft kaa`rt fmj t``o

f akw stkps, w`hhnemc. Lfvkmt kftkm fnn jfy, lk sfej. C`t

f akw hudos0

Tlk t``o les frb fmj wfnokj leb t`wfrj tlk j``r. E

dfmt cevk y`u fmy b`mky, I.H. Hut E lfvk s`bk a``j em tlk

dfr.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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48 Qede` us D ydnk

Fs tlk cnfss j``rs snej `pkm, tlk d`nj fer hnfstkj lkr.

T`rr`w druslkj lkr lkfrt ft tlk tl`uclt a leb hkemc kxenkj

emt` tles wkftlkr. Tlk wfmtkj t` tfok leb l`bk wetl lkr,hut ea les `wm pfrkmts d`unjmt trust leb, mketlkr d`unj slk.

Tex b`mtls fc`, fatkr lkj hkftkm up les aftlkr, les b`tlkr

lfj i`emkj Hfrhfrfs supp`rt cr`up a`r pfrkmts `a pr`jecfn

dlenjrkm. Slkm slkj sl`wm Hfrhfrf f pedturk, Hfrhfrf lfj

rkd`cmezkj leb fs `mk `a tlk l`bknkss bkm wl` wfmjkrkj

emt` tlk aurmeturk st`rk m`w fmj tlkm t` ksdfpk tlk subbkr

lkft fmj tlk wemtkr dlenn.Lk lfj dl`edks, slk rkbemjkj lkrskna. Lk jejmt lfvk t`

nevk `m tlk strkkts. Lk d`unj c` t` f slkntkr `r f trkftbkmt

dkmtkr. Ea lk w`rokj, lk d`unj ckt les `wm pnfdk. Lk d`unj

kvkm c` l`bk ea lk w`unj iust st`p usemc.

Hut I.H. wfsmt fhnk `r wfsmt wennemc t` j` wlft et t``o

t` nevk f aumdte`mfn neak. Tlk aknt leb slevkremc fs tlky dr`sskj

tlk pfroemc n`t. Tlk punnkj lkr okys `ut `a lkr p`dokt fmj

p`ppkj `pkm tlk trumo.

Zlk hfc I.H.s b`tlkr lfj skmt sft mkxt t` tlk h`x `a

drfdokrs fmj ifr `a pkfmut huttkr Hfrhfrf lfj h`uclt a`r

leb tlk nfst tebk slk wkmt t` tlk cr`dkry st`rk. Lkrks

s`bktlemc t` kft, slk sfej.

Lk t``o tlk h`x a drfdokrs hut jejmt n``o tlft emtkrkstkj.Tlk lfmjkj leb tlk hfc, fmj lk punnkj `ut f hrfmj mkw

pfrof wetl f wfrb l``j. Zlk `mk lk lfj `m wfsmt wfrb

km`ucl, fmj et jejmt n``o neok et aet. Tlk w`mjkrkj wlkrk

lkj c`ttkm et.

S`mt hk fhnk t` okkp tles n`mc, lk sfej fs lk punnkj et

`m `vkr les `tlkr `mk.

Sly m`t0

T`bkh`jynn tfok et. Les hrkftl stkfbkj `m tlk ar`sty

fer fs lk juc emt` tlk hfc fmj punnkj `ut s`bk cn`vks, f

sdfra, fmj f mkw omet dfp.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 44

Dlfrn`ttk wfs b`tlkremc leb tlk hkst slk d`unj. Hut

Hfrhfrf d`unjmt ksdfpk tlk er`my tlft lkr arekmj wfs

jrkssemc lkr s`m t` survevk, l`bknkss, `m tlk d`nj strkkts.Slft knsk d`unj slk j`0

Hfrhfrf lfj wftdlkj Dlfrn`ttk, wl` lfj hkd`bk `mk `a

lkr jkfrkst arekmjs, sdurry fr`umj tlk l`usk aemjemc tlemcs

slk tl`uclt beclt lknp I.H. Dlfrn`ttk wfs aecltemc lkr `wm

hfttnk wetl dfmdkr. Hut tlft dreses wfs skd`mjfry t` lkr w`r-

reks fh`ut lkr `mny s`m.

Kvkm Dlfrn`ttks t`ucl n`vk em nkfvemc leb `m tlkstrkkts wfs b`rk a`r les hkmkaet tlfm a`r lkrs. Lkr l`pk wfs

tlft tlk tkbp`rfry l`bknkssmkss w`unj bfok leb let h`t-

t`b. Zlft lkj s`bkl`w d`bk t` les skmsks, dlkdo lebskna

emt` trkftbkmt, fmj j` wlft wfs mkdkssfry t` dlfmck les

neak.

Hut tlkrk wfs m` secm `a tlft lfppkmemc ykt.

Lk zeppkj up tlk d`ft fmj wrfppkj tlk sdfra fr`umj les

mkdo, tlkm jr`ppkj tlk drfdokrs hfdo emt` lkr trumo. Eb

m`t lumcry.

I.H., y`u sfej y`u lfjmt kftkm. Zfok tlkb. Kft.

E iust mkkj f akw hudos.

Eb m`t cevemc y`u b`mky. Es tlkrk fmytlemc y`u wfmt

bk t` tknn y`ur b`b0Lk tl`uclt a`r f b`bkmt, tkfrs rebbemc les kyks. Zlkm

lk turmkj fmj stfcckrkj fwfy.

Tlk dn`skj tlk trumo fmj dlfakj lkr frbs, wftdlemc

fs lk bfjk les wfy `aa tlk pfroemc n`t. Ar`b tlk hfdo, lk

n``okj neok f st``pkj, keclty-ykfr-`nj bfm.

Lk wfs `mny twkmty-tlrkk.

I.H., slk dfnnkj `ut.

Lk okpt wfnoemc.

I.H., c` t` tlk slkntkr. Ets c`emc t` ckt rkfnny d`nj

t`meclt.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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4: Qede` us D ydnk

Lftk tlft pnfdk, lk sfej.

Slkm lk wfs `aa tlk prkbesks, slk swfnn`wkj tlk nubp

em lkr tlr`ft fmj lkfjkj hfdo emsejk. Neny wfetkj ft tlk cnfssj``rs fs Hfrhfrf wkmt em. Jej y`u tknn leb m`t t` d`bk

hfdo0

Lk om`ws. Lks iust d`nj.

Sk dfmt lfvk l`bknkss pk`pnk lfmcemc fr`umj lkrk.

E om`w.

U`u sl`unjmt akkj leb. Et bfoks leb d`bk hfdo.

Lks m`t f strfy j`c, Neny. Lks by arekmjs `mny s`m.Tlk lurrekj emt` tlk hftlr``b, crfhhkj f tessuk aa tlk semo,

fmj jfhhkj ft lkr kyks.

Tlk w`unj lfvk t` dfnn Dlfrn`ttk nftkr fmj tknn lkr I.H.

lfj c`ttkm tlk d`ft. Hut t`jfy wfs f dlkb` jfy. Dlfrn`ttk

lfj et `m Tfturjfys, semdk slk w`rokj juremc tlk wkko.

Bfyhk slk sl`unj wfet umten t`b`rr`w.

Hfrhfrf stujekj lkr rkankdte`m em tlk berr`r. Okmt sfej

slk n``okj neok Bedlknnk Wakeaakr, hut tlk b`vek stfr jejmt

lfvk jkkp nemks fr`umj lkr b`utl `r creka nemks hktwkkm lkr

hr`ws. Afbeny pr`hnkbs lfj fckj lkr, fs et lfj lkr arekmjs.

Lfj slk j`mk tlk reclt tlemc a`r Dlfrn`ttks s`m0 Bfyhk

slk sl`unj lfvk nkt Neny lfvk leb frrkstkj. Ft nkfst lkj hk

wfrb t`meclt, fmj rknftevkny sfak.Et wfs s` lfrj t` om`w wlft t` j`.

Lkr pl`mk vehrftkj fcfem, fmj slk n``okj j`wm ft tlk

rkfj`ut. Nfmdk. Tlk dnedokj et `m. Lky, swkktek. Slfts up0

M`tlem, lk sfej. E wfs tlemoemc fh`ut I`rjfm. B`b,

j` y`u om`w lkr b`tlkrs mfbk0 E wfmt t` ckt tlker mubhkr

ar`b Ema`rbfte`m.

Tlk pedturkj I`rjfms b`tlkr, wl` n``okj neok slkj

hkkm usemc jrucs a`r jkdfjks. Zl`ucl slk wfs pr`hfhny

budl y`umckr tlfm Hfrhfrf, slk n``okj tlrkk tebks `njkr.

Ets Bfurkkm. T` y`urk c`emc t` dfnn I`rjfm0

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 4;

Wr`hfhny. Tlk mkkjs t` c` hfdo t` trkftbkmt. [semc

jrucs wlenk slks prkcmfmt lfs c`t t` hk rkfnny, rkfnny hfj

a`r lkr oej.Et w`unjmt lurt t` dfnn lkr. Eb surk slkj fpprkdeftk

tlft y`u dfrk.

Lk seclkj. Ets iust tlft ea slks usemc, slk pr`hfhny

w`mt tfno t` bk. Tlk w`mt wfmt bk t` om`w.

Fnn y`u dfm j` es try. Iust umjkrstfmj tlft y`u dfmt

bfok lkr j` fmytlemc. Lkr b`tlkr dfm, semdk I`rjfms f

bem`r, hut om`wemc lkr, ets m`t neokny tlft slk wenn.Bfyhk E sl`unj tfno t` lkr b`tlkr t``.

Iust rkbkbhkr, tlk dl`edk es I`rjfms. Ea slk j`ksmt

wfmt y`ur lknp, y`u dfmt a`rdk lkr t` fddkpt et, fmj y`unn

lfvk t` nkfvk et fn`mk.

Hut, B`b, tlk hfhy . . .

E om`w, l`mky. Zlft hfhy mkkjs f lkr`. Tenkmdk lumc

lkfvy `vkr tlk nemk. Nestkm, E lfvk t` ckt hfdo t` w`ro.

Ukfl, `ofy.

Slkm Hfrhfrf lumc up, slk prfykj f senkmt prfykr a`r I.H.

fmj I`rjfm fmj a`r tlk emm`dkmt hfhy fh`ut t` kmtkr f dlf-

`ted w`rnj. Jfhhemc lkr kyks fcfem, slk nkat tlk hftlr``b fmj

wfnokj t` tlk ar`mt j``r iust fs f afbeny fppr`fdlkj ar`b

tlk pfroemc n`t. Zlkrk wkrk tw` tkkms wetl tlkb. Zlft wfs fc``j secm. Slkm f afbeny dfbk wetl fj`nksdkmt dlenjrkm, et

usufnny bkfmt tlky wkrk pnfmmemc t` bfok f purdlfsk.

Ketlkr tlft, `r tlky wfstkj f n`t `a lkr tebk.

Tlk bkt tlkb fs tlky kmtkrkj tlk st`rk. Le, bfy E lknp

y`u0

Zlk b`tlkr n``okj jesemtkrkstkj. Sk iust wfmt t` n``o

fr`umj.

Crkft, akkn arkk. Hfrhfrf lfmjkj tlkb lkr dfrj. Eb

Hfrhfrf. Iust s` y`u om`w, Eb m`t iust f sfnkspkrs`m? Eb fm

emtkre`r jkd`rft`r. M` kxtrf dlfrck.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

33/41

41 Qede` us D ydnk

Et jejmt skkb t` ebprkss tlkb, hut slk a`nn`wkj ft f

jestfmdk s` slk d`unj lknp tlk b`bkmt tlky lfj f qukste`m.

Tlk mkkjkj fm`tlkr hec sfnk, fmj slk wfsmt c emc t` nkt tlesafbeny ckt fwfy.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

34/41

43

Dlfptkr ;

Nfmdk t`nj lebskna lk wfsmt j`emc fmytlemc wr`mc tfoemcles sestkrs dfr, hkdfusk lk fnb`st lfj les jrevkrs nedkmsk.Em tlrkk b`mtls, tlk wl`nk jrevemc tlemc w`unj hk f m`m-

essuk. Lfvemc t` wfet umten sextkkm wfs rejedun`usny rfmj`b,

fmywfy, kspkdefnny wlkm f hfhys neak wfs ft stfok.

Zlk slfnn`w rkfssurfmdk jejmt s``tlk les d`msdekmdk.Ea les b`tlkr a`umj `ut fh`ut tles, lkj hk cr`umjkj umten

lk wfs tlerty. Lkj iust lfvk t` ckt tlk dfr hfdo hka`rk slk

c`t l`bk. Hut dfnnemc I`rjfm w`unjmt dut et. Lk d`unjmt

d`mvemdk lkr `a fmytlemc `vkr tlk pl`mk, kspkdefnny ea slk

wfs lecl. Hut ea lk st``j wetl lkr afdk-t`-afdk, bfyhk lk

d`unj swfy lkr.Lk jr`ppkj emt` tlk jrevkrs skft, ifhhkj tlk oky em tlk

ecmete`m, fmj stfrtkj et up. Kbenys Fdd`rj wfsmt tlk dfr lk

w`unj lfvk dl`skm. Lk wfs b`rk `a f D`rvkttk oemj `a cuy,

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

35/41

4< Qede` us D ydnk

`r bfyhk f d`mvkrtehnk Beme D``pkr. Hut tlk `mny wlkkns em

les auturk wkrk tl`sk `m les softkh`frj.

Lk fjiustkj tlk berr`r fmj dlkdokj lebskna `ut. Lkn``okj c``j hklemj tlk wlkkn. D`ba`rtfhnk, neok lk jr`vk

fnn tlk tebk. Les b`tlkr nkt leb prfdtedk f n`t, fmj lk wfs f

mfturfn, ea lk jej sfy s` lebskna.

Fs lk hfdokj `ut `a tlk jrevkwfy, Nfmdk dfnnkj Ema`r-

bfte`m `m les dknn pl`mk, fsokj a`r fm fjjrkss a`r Bfu-

rkkm Xl`jks. Fatkr f b`bkmt, tlk d`bputkr tkxtkj leb tlk

fjjrkss 6147 Tebps`m X`fj. Lk omkw reclt wlkrk et wfs.Lk jr`vk tlk akw benks t` Tebps`m X`fj, d`mstfmtny

dlkdoemc les rkfrvekw berr`r a`r anfslemc hnuk neclts.

Zlk strkkt wfs aennkj wetl `nj, benjkwkj l`usks wetl

rustkj dfrs `m dkbkmt hn`dos em tlk yfrjs, cfrhfck b`njemc

em t`rm trfsl hfcs `m tlk strkkt.

Lk jr`vk pfst tlkb t` f strktdl `a w``js, tlk trkks pr`-

vejemc f stfro d`mtrfst t` tlk jenfpejftkj mkeclh`rl``j.

Fatkr lfna f benk `r s` `a w``js, f n`mk l`usk dfbk emt`

vekw. Zlk l`usk mubhkr wfs pfemtkj em afjemc, jerty wletk

`m tlk rustkj hnfdo bfenh`x. 6147. Zles wfs et.

Zlk yfrj wfs umokbpt fmj `vkrcr`wm. Zlk pfemt `m tlk

l`usk wfs pkknemc, fmj em pnfdks tlk kfvks lumc umkvkmny,

fppfrkmtny r`ttkm. Mkw Jfy wfs f pfnfdk d`bpfrkj t` tles.Lk nkat les dfr pfrokj `m tlk strkkt fmj wfnokj fdr`ss

tlk yfrj tlft wfs b`stny jert fmj tfnn dnubps `a wkkjs. Zlk

sdrkkm j``r wfs t`rm fmj dr``okj `m ets lemcks, fmj tlk

ar`mt j``r wfs `pkm. Lk om`dokj `m tlk arfbk.

D`bk em, s`bkh`jy yknnkj.

Akknemc fwowfrj, Nfmdk `pkmkj tlk sdrkkm fmj stkppkj

emsejk. Ft `mdk, lk wfs let wetl f rfmdej bexturk `a sdkmts.

X`ttkm a``j, h`jy `j`r, decfrkttk sb`ok . . . Lk d`uclkj,

w`mjkremc ea lk sl`unj c` hfdo `utsejk, hut lk jejmt wfmt

t` hk rujk.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO 45

Hky`mj tlk ar`mt r``b, em tlk oetdlkm j``rwfy, lk sfw

I`rjfms b`tlkr wetl f decfrkttk lfmcemc `ut `a lkr b`utl.

Bfurkkm wfs soem fmj h`mks, m` b`rk tlfm memkty p`umjs`a om`hhy i`emts fmj fmcunfr soknkt`m. T`bk `a lkr tkktl

wkrk r`ttkm, fmj lkr dlem lfj tlft n``o `a t``tlnkss fck.

Lkr lfer wfs crkfsy fmj lumc em lkr afdk? jfro derdnks sfmo

umjkr lkr kyks. Slkm slk sfw leb, slk t``o tlk decfrkttk

`ut `a lkr b`utl fmj stfrkj ft leb. Slft j` y`u wfmt0

[b . . . es I`rjfm lkrk0

Tlk squemtkj fs slk hnkw `ut sb`ok, tlkm puslkj pfstleb fmj n``okj ut tlk sdrkkm j``r. E wfs kxpkdtemc s`bk-

h`jy knsk. Tlk turmkj hfdo fmj stujekj leb. @l, y`urk

tlft cern Kbenys hr`tlkr, reclt0

Uks, bffb, lk sfej. Skrk w`rrekj fh`ut I`rjfm

hkdfusk slk nkat trkftbkmt. Es slk lkrk0

Tlk femt akknem c``j. D`bk hfdo fm`tlkr tebk. Tlk

`pkmkj tlk sdrkkm j``r, jesbessemc leb.

Hut Nfmdk lksetftkj. Wnkfsk, Bs. Xl`jks. E iust wfmt t`

tfno t` lkr a`r `mk bemutk.

E t`nj y`u, slks sedo.

Tedo l`w0 Es tlk hfhy `ofy0

Tlk put tlk decfrkttk hfdo em lkr b`utl, mfrr`wkj lkr

kyks. T`m, tlfts m`mk `a y`ur husemkss, slk sfej. M`wEb kxpkdtemc d`bpfmy, s` E mkkj y`u t` nkfvk.

Zlk l`usk jejmt n``o em fmy d`mjete`m a`r d`bpfmy. Lk

cnfmdkj tlr`ucl tlk sbfnn nevemc frkf t` tlk oetdlkm. Zlkrk

wkrk jerty pnftks fmj cnfssks fnn `vkr tlk d`umtkr, fmj cfrhfck

spennkj `ut `a f trfsl dfm. Zlk dfrpkt wfs dfokj em buj fmj

jert, fmj decfrkttk hutts nfy wlkrkvkr tlkyj hkkm jr`ppkj.

Nfmdk lkfrj fm`tlkr dfr frrevemc `utsejk, fmj Bfurkkm

`pkmkj tlk sdrkkm j``r. Zlkrk tlky frk. Aemfnny. M`w, c`

`m. E dfmt lfvk y`u lkrk.

Nfmdk stfrtkj t`wfrj tlk j``r hut tlkm lkfrj s`bk`mk

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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:7 Qede` us D ydnk

em tlk lfnnwfy. Lk turmkj fr`umj. I`rjfm dfbk emt` tlk nev-

emc r``b, wkfremc nkccemcs fmj f hec, hfccy Z-slert. Lkr

afdk n``okj pfnk fmj lfj f crfy dfst, fmj lkr n`mc hr`wmlfer wfs tfmcnkj. Nfmdk, wlft frk y`u j`emc lkrk0

Tlkj hkkm dryemc. Lkr afdk wfs sw`nnkm fmj puaay, fmj

lkr lfmjs trkbhnkj. Lkr st`bfdl stenn n``okj hn`ftkj, hut

m`tlemc neok et lfj tlk nfst tebk lkj skkm lkr. I`rjfm, y`u

lfj tlk hfhy0

Ukfl, tles b`rmemc, slk buttkrkj.

Bfurkkm nkt tlk sdrkkm j``r afnn slut fmj cfvk lkrjfucltkr f stkrm n``o. C` hfdo t` y`ur r``b fmj ckt tlk

hfhy. Zlkyrk lkrk.

Bfurkkm wkmt `utsejk, nkttemc tlk sdrkkm j``r h`umdk

slut hklemj lkr. I`rjfm stkppkj t` tlk wemj`w fmj pkkrkj

`ut.

Frk y`u fnn reclt0 Nfmdk fsokj quektny.

I`rjfm stfrkj ft tlk bfm fmj w`bfm ckttemc `ut `a tlk

dfr. Zl`sk pk`pnk. E j`mt wfmt tlkb tfoemc by hfhy.

Nfmdk a`nn`wkj lkr cfzk. Sl` frk tlky0

By b`tlkr fmj by hr`tlkr lfvk s`bk oemj `a jkfn

w`rokj `ut. E j`mt wfmt et. Tlk w`hhnkj, fs ea slk beclt

pfss `ut, fmj dfuclt lkrskna `m f dlfer.

Nfmdk crfhhkj lkr frb fmj stkfjekj lkr. Frk y`u ofy0Tl`unjmt y`u hk em tlk l`spetfn0

By b`b w`unjmt tfok bk. E lfj lkr lkrk ft l`bk.

Ft l`bk0 Sly0 Tlk jejmt fmswkr. I`rjfm, wlkrks

tlk hfhy0

By r``b. Tlk strfecltkmkj fs fm`tlkr dfr punnkj emt`

tlk yfrj tlk hnuk J`jck lkj skkm ft Mkw Jfy wlkm lkr

afbeny vesetkj. Ykok c`t `ut `a tlk dfr fmj wkmt t` tlk vese-

t`rs, crkktemc tlkb neok tlky wkrk `nj arekmjs. Aemfnny, lks

hfdo, slk sfej hettkrny. B`b skmt leb t` ckt jefpkrs fmj

h`ttnks, hut lk pr`hfhny st`ppkj `aa t` ckt lecl.

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO :6

Es tlk hfhy `ofy0

Lkr v`edk anfttkmkj. E j`mt om`w.

Lk twestkj les afdk fs lk trekj t` bfok skmsk `a tles.Lfs f j`dt`r skkm lkr0

M`. Tlk turmkj t` f tfhnk mkfr tlk j``r, b`vkj pfpkrs

fmj dnuttkr. Slkrk es tlk `tlkr skt `a dfr okys0

Zlk d`upnk wetl Bfurkkm fmj Ykok dn`skj tlker dfr

j``rs fmj lkfjkj t` tlk p`rdl. I`rjfm hfdokj fwfy ar`b

tlk wemj`w. Nfmdk, E mkkj y`ur lknp.

@ofy. U`u wfmt bk t` tfok y`u t` tlk l`spetfn0Fs tlk veset`rs rkfdlkj tlk p`rdl stkps, I`rjfm turmkj

fmj rfm hfdo up tlk lfnn.

I`rjfm! Nfmdk dfnnkj fatkr lkr.

Zlk hkjr``b j``r dn skj, fmj lk lkfrj tlk n`do dnedo fs

lkr b`tlkr uslkrkj tlk d`upnk em. Zlk sdrkkm j``r squkfokj

fs tlky stkppkj emt` tlk l`usk.

Zlk bfm fmj w`bfm wkrk wknn jrksskj. Zlky cnfrkj ft

Nfmdk. Sl`s tles0 tlk bfm fsokj.

T`bk arekmj `a I`rjfms, Bfurkkm sfej. Oej, E t`nj

y`u t` nkfvk.

Ykok puslkj em pfst tlk `tlkrs fmj stfrkj Nfmdk j`wm.

U`u lkfr lkr, jujk0 Tlk t`nj y`u t` c`.

Nfmdk jejmt b`vk. Bs. Xl`jks, I`rjfm j`ksmt n``oc``j. Tlk sl`unj hk em tlk l`spetfn fmj s` sl`unj tlk hfhy.

Ea y`u w`mt tfok lkr, E wenn.

Enn tfok dfrk `a I`rjfm, Bfurkkm sfej. J`mt y`u

w`rry fh`ut et. Tlk st`rbkj tlr`ucl tlk l`usk fmj yknnkj,

I`rjfm, hremc tlk hfhy! Skrk wfetemc.

Nfmdk iust st``j tlkrk, fst`meslkj ft wlft wfs lfppkm-

emc. Bs. Xl`jks, frk y`u cevemc tlk hfhy t` tlkb0

Tlk swumc hfdo fr`umj, lkr kyks cn`wkremc. L`w

bfmy tebks j` E lfvk t` tknn y`u t` ckt `ut `a by l`usk0

I`rjfms upskt fh`ut tles, lk sfej t` tlk d`upnk. E

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

39/41

:8 Qede` us D ydnk

j`mt tlemo slks rkfjy t` cevk tlk hfhy up. Bfyhk tlky

w`unj nestkm. M` fj`ptevk pfrkmts wfmtkj t` jkfn wetl fm

emjkdesevk hertl b`tlkr, jej tlky0Hut tlk bfms kyks anfslkj. Ckt leb `ut `a lkrk, Bfu-

rkkm, `r wkrk dfnnemc tlk wl`nk tlemc `aa.

M`! Wfmed dr`sskj Bfurkkms afdk. Lks nkfvemc!

Tlk t``o Nfmdks frb fmj puslkj leb t`wfrj tlk j``r.

Nfmdk ikrokj arkk. T`bktlemc wfsmt reclt lkrk. I`rjfm

wfs hkemc rfenr`fjkj. Lk b`vkj hfdo t`wfrj tlk lfnn. I`r-

jfm! I`rjfm!Tlk jejmt fmswkr. Fppfrkmtny, slk jejmt wfmt leb

lkrk fmy b`rk tlfm lkr b`tlkr jej. Hut lfjmt slk sfej slk

mkkjkj les lknp0 Slft wfs tlft fh`ut, ea slk wfs c`emc t`

n`do lkrskna em lkr r``b0

Enn ckt tlk oej byskna! Bfurkkm yknnkj. Tlk puslkj

Nfmdk `ut `a tlk wfy fmj trekj I`rjfms j``rom`h. N`dokj.

Tlk hfmckj `m tlk j``r, slfoemc tlk l`usk.

Zlkrk wfs stenn m` fmswkr.

Nfmdk lkfrj Ykoks lkfvy a``tstkps rfttnemc up tlk lfnn-

wfy. Zlk rfck `m les afdk stfrtnkj leb.

U`u! @ut m`w, r Eb c`mmf sbfsl y`ur afdk em! Ykok

crfhhkj Nfmdk hy tlk slert fmj jrfcckj leb hfdo emt` tlk

nevemc r``b.Nfmdk trekj t` punn fwfy. Bfyhk E sl`unj iust dfnn

tlk p`nedk! Lk ikrokj arkk, punnkj les dknn pl`mk `ut, fmj

stfrtkj t` pumdl em 566. Ykok crfhhkj tlk pl`mk fmj tlrkw

et fcfemst tlk wfnn. Slkm et let tlk an``r, lk druslkj et wetl

les a``t. Zlkm lk pedokj up tlk pekdks fmj tlrkw tlkb `ut

tlk j``r.

Lky! Nfmdk yknnkj. Zlft wfs by pl`mk!

Fs Nfmdk dlfrckj leb, Ykok crfhhkj leb hy tlk tlr`ft.

I`rjfms hr`tlkr wfs soemmy ar`b jruc usk t``, hut lk wfs

skvkrfn emdlks tfnnkr tlfm Nfmdk. Ykoks wenj kyks succkstkj

8/7/2019 Vicious Cycle by Terri Blackstock, Excerpt

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ZKXXE HNFDOTZ@DO :4

lk d`unj smfp Nfmdks mkdo wetl`ut f tl`uclt. U`u nkfvk

m`w, y`u nettnk d`dor`fdl, fmj ea y`u sfy `mk w`rj t` tlk

p`nedk, Enn aemj y`u fmj rep y`ur lkfj `aa. C`t tlft0Nfmdk om`dokj Ykoks lfmj fwfy. Tlks y`ur sestkr, lk

dl`okj `ut. Zlk hfhys y`ur mekdk!

Ykok t``o leb hy tlk d`nnfr, rfm leb t` tlk j``r, fmj

tlrkw leb `ut. Nfmdk treppkj c`emc j`wm tlk ar`mt stkps

fmj nfmjkj `m les lfmjs fmj omkks em tlk drfhcrfss. Ckttemc

quedony t` les akkt, lk n``okj a`r les pl`mk. Lk a`umj tlk

pekdks em tlk jert, tlk cnfss ar`mt sbfslkj. Lk trekj t` turmet `m, hut et w`unjmt p`wkr up.

Twkft jreppkj emt` les kyks, jkspetk tlk dlenny wemj. Lk

n``okj fr`umj, jfzkj. Lk d`unjmt c` hfdo em. Ykok beclt

oenn leb.

Lk ruslkj hfdo t` Kbenys dfr, snfbbkj tlk j``r, fmj

n`dokj et em dfsk fmy `a tlk numfteds emsejk dfbk fatkr leb.

Zlkm lk punnkj `mt` tlk strkkt. Lkj lurry l`bk fmj dfnn

566. Bfyhk et w`unjmt hk t`` nftk a`r tlk p`nedk t` lknp

I`rjfm.

Hut fs lk turmkj tlk d`rmkr mt` tlk mkxt strkkt, f hfhys

dry reppkj `ut. Lk snfbbkj `m tlk hrfoks fmj n``okj emt`

tlk hfdoskft. F mkwh`rm hfhy nfy `m f penn`w `m tlk hfdo

an``rh`frj, kyks sdrkwkj slut, afdk rkj, dryemc fs ea et umjkr-st``j pkrakdtny tlk bkss et lfj hkkm h`rm emt`.

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Qede`us DydnkFm Emtkrvkmte`m M`vkn

Hy9 Zkrre Hnfdost`do

Huy Qede`us Dydnk m Y`mjkrvfm.d`b.

Nkfrm B`rk