unrealboook

8/2/2019 unrealboook

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the book.

blah blah fucking blah.


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ch

apterone

Jac

enviro

worse

woke u

sion sy


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After two days of taking it easy, waiting for the bizarre feeling to subside the thoughts hit. It felt like meet-

ing the wizard behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. The abstract, frailties of life hit me. What makes us real?

Why are we here? Human life suddenly became insignicant, wasteful and parasitic. I considered things like the

monetary system, the journey of consumer products, the inuence the media had on the masses.

Moments later I had my rst panic attack. Id constructed an image of myself that I was without emotion,

fear, conscience. In that moment I realized I was human and Id never been so terried. In the months to follow

I would develop panic disorder, agoraphobia, hypochondria and anorexia. For two years I lived like that. In fear of

everything. Going to doctors and hospitals convinced I had some life threating condition

I eventually met a psychotherapist that with CBT and a cocktail of drugs cured me of those disorders,

with the promise the dp/dr would dissipate in time. By the time I realized it wasnt, he had retired. For 6 years

I lived in survival mode. A cycle of getting a job, quitting it, going to day programs, group therapy, even being

committed to a hospital once. No care provider had ever heard of persistent dp/dr.

I lived in limbo, not crazy enough to commit suicide, but too crazy to live. I tried in vein to relate dp/dr

to cognitive therapy, but I couldnt grasp how cognitive techniques could control a conceivably physical illness.

My GP prescribed me dextidrine. This led to a sever addiction and medically induced bi-polar. Never the less it

kept me going for a while. When the addiction became to much, I came off the pills and got on the waiting list

for yet another psychotherapist.

In that moment I realized I was human

and Id never been so terrifed.


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sucke

treati

and c

free o

alrigh

cond

thinkhave


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Rya

M

to lack

cally by

sion aft

couple

ch

aptertwo


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A

depers

I thoug

I have t

wouldn

day, I q

that i fo

RyanI wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy.


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I

once an

sinned

rifying i

the Rite

did and

Nin

C

hapterThree


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But of course at the time I didnt think anything of it,

I just thought it was like drinking and it goes away.

Well, either way I cant change the past,

I just dont want to be like this forever father.

After Edgar scared me about having panic attacks

I surely had them for almost a week straight,

I was suffering from paranoia. I blame the weed.

After the panic attacks things didnt seem the same,

things around me felt overwhelming, foggy, dark,

as if I stepped into void, a realm of fear and darkness, I

couldnt take it. I was living in complete fear.

Fear of myself. Fear of how I was feeling.

Everyone told me its all in my head, that I made it upand I believed it. But even so I knew these feelings

were too much for me to be making it up.

I had to tell my parents, I couldnt do it alone,

everyone thought I was crazy but knew my parents

would love me no matter what. I told them and my dad

was furious. Took away my phone and called up mondo

to yell at him when my dad asked who all was there.

My dad trusted mondo. For 2 weeks almost I isolated

myself and tried to do it alone, no friends

on Facebook, no help. My mom tried so hard

to make me happy, she watched movies with me and

on and off I would feel good then I wouldnt.

I couldnt grasp why what was going on in front of me.

Nothing felt the same or felt right at all. Discomforting

is the root of it all.


13/33

I

free pe

feelings

from ch

scared

best eff

ing cam

detach

I

someti

being inis a tou

I am alw

and ha

who Ni

outside

back fa

S

Even in

im tryin

if I don

found o

almost

rest or a

others s


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F

my bra

feel life

This wi

ten and


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Bil

A

my sen

also su

insomn

an Elec

C

hapterFour


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I was told by my parent that my EEG was normal but one lead was off. My parent told me that my only option was psy-

chiatric care, and she begged me not to seek it due to expense. 40 years later, I solved the riddle of what transpired

during my cannabis intoxication.

A few minutes after smoking, I felt a strange movement of my stomache, and a burning sensation followed by an

ascending smoky ushing that rose through my chest, neck, and head. I went into a trance like state, and the left side

of my head became cold/numb/tingly. Over the next 3 minutes, my trance deepened until it seemed like I was pulsing

in and out of consciousness. Then the tingles slowly marched to the left rear of my head. I felt a strange tensing in my

head, followed by a convulsing electrical shock sensation. With the shock, my vision contorted drastically. (things ap-

peared to zoom away as if at a far end of a tunnel). This tensing/shocking repeated itself on 4 second intervals, for per-

haps two minutes. What I just described is a complex temporal lobe seizure.

Things appearedto zoom away,

as if at a far endof a tunnel.

was re

before

parent

my left

The M

my sei

Regard

Bill


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F

lasted g

around

than th

terrible

had lots

ing out

Jay

c

hapterfive


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weed

tion

episo

const

the s

rst y

me w

schoo


22/33

After high school I had to gure out what I wanted to get into for school. Dont get me wrong, I wanted to go to

school however the only problem was I simply didnt know what I wanted to do. My parents interpreted that as unmo-

tivated. I always enjoyed geology in high school so with not much thought put into it I went to school for Mining and

Geology. I love geology, but the schooling for my program is very intense and not the college experience I thought it was

going to be. I was still normal at this point. However, while studying for nals the rst year I noticed I had those short

episodes of depersonalization as a result of stress, once again though I always returned to normal. I then got a full

time job at a cabinet shop that I never asked or applied for, it was through my parents friends. I didnt l ike the job but

it wasnt the worse thing in the world. About six weeks in I remember being stressed out because I had to work a very

long day and I just wanted to get out of there and get home. One of the last days I worked there I had another episode

depers

my frie

though

urday a

right. I

job and

overca

cause

buzz o


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It took me a couple of months to nd out that what I was experiencing had a name, which was depersonalization.

Even though everything looks and feels weird I continued living my life as normal as possible. About 6 months in or

so I started developing worse anxiety and really started fearing the possibility of going crazy. Even to this day, I am abso-

lutely terried that what if all of this is the onset of the development of schizophrenia. All the anxiety and fear made my

DP worse, and the problem is that these kinds of things fuel the DP re. It became a viscous circle.

So why did not only me but all the other DP sufferers end up in this state? I believe we are all predisposed to DP

for several reasons: we are overly anxious people, highly sensitive people, lower self esteem, worriers, intelligent and

over analyzers.

Jayden

This new feeling that had overcome me wasnt goinga away and I kind of just kept pushing it off, telling

myself that everything was probably ne.


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end. A

panic

ment.

things

I was i

Jus

chaptersix


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I was not going to let myself think about the universe and how it works because in mind it doesnt matter. So

after I found the website I started doing research on everything I could nd. What helped people, what supplements

people were using. So i tried it all. I probally bought over 2,000 dollars worth of vitamins and supplements that people

said helped them out. I would do research for hours and hours trying to nd something to x my problem. After about

6 months I kind of got used to the dp/dr. It was al ways there. No matter how much I socialized, didnt think about it. It

was always there. After about a year or so things seemed to be getting better until may 2011. Thats when It hit me with

full force. It came back so strong and I was completly lost and confused. The only thing going through my mind was oh

no not this again. Af ter about a week and plenty of calls to my doctor they scheduled me i n. I was given Effexor. Im not

going to say it was a wonder drug but I will say it completely took my dp away for 2 weeks. But It was short lived. I had

severe side effects from the effexor and had to quit. And then it came back, worse then ever. I was a wreck worse then

before. I walked everyday for

hours a

tried ov

then an

seems

a pysch

myself

I am go

would g

cation,

anyone


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U

loved m

group o

And I re

been, a

choices

Ph


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San

I

there fo

hands

den, I fe

Jamie L

able, as


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I felt like something came out of my soul. I looked around and sure enough, my DR was gone. GONE. I could see

everything clearly. That veil/transparent sheet that had remained in front of me had gone away completely. And my

body...it felt so light. Not this heavy sensation that I used to get. I felt euphoric, I felt peaceful, I felt GRATEFUL. I felt like

God had nally answered my prayers.

T

it was p

becaus

adjuste

T

I notice

like a lo

A

get a ta

normal

H

About 3

describ

later, I n

I was ve

totally r

it. I wan

me Ris


33/33

A

I will re

That is

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