Understanding and Growing Your Emotional Intelligence with Darby Fetzer

By Darby Fetzer OTR, MAOM, EQC, EQE

Understanding and Growing Your EQ

BioDarby is certified in Emotional Intelligence in Education and in Corporate Practice. She tailors science based emotional competencies to specific worksites and situations to create sustainable solutions. Her training is supported by experience in Wellness Coaching, 18 year practice as an Occupation Therapist, 11 years of School Board service and facilitation training. Darby has a Bachelors degree in Occupational Therapy and a Masters in Organizational Management.

! Emotional Intelligence Certification through Six Seconds, Boston

! Emotional Intelligence Educator Certification through Six Seconds, Boston

! Nexus EQ Conference at Harvard School of Medicine

! EQ Educator’s Training and African Summit in Cape Town, South Africa

! SEI Assessor Training through Six Seconds, Toronto

! Vital Signs Assessor Training, Toronto

EQ Trainings & Conferences Attended

The acronym EQ! Throughout this presentation I’ll be using the acronym

EQ as interchangable with Emotional Intelligence.

! Like Intelligence Quotient (IQ), EQ is also measurable.

! I will touch on examples of EQ measurement instruments at the end of today’s presentation.

! Unlike the premise of IQ, EQ can be grown.

Typically Experiential: Pen/paper

Today’s Topics

! The history of Emotional Intelligence as a concept.

! EQ operationalized ~ Learning ways to grow Emotional Intelligence via the 8 EQ Competencies developed by Six Seconds.

! Resources, should you want to share EQ with others.

Who coined the term “Emotional Intelligence” ?

! John Mayer and Peter Salovey in 1990

! Mayer and Salovey define emotional intelligence as "the ability to monitor one's own and other's feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one's thinking and action."

John Mayer

! the capacity to accurately perceive emotions

! the capacity to use emotions to facilitate thinking

! the capacity to understand emotional meanings

! the capacity to manage emotions

Mayer and Salovey's Four Branch Model of Emotional Intelligence

! Daniel Goleman expounded upon the work of Mayer and Salovey with his book, Emotional Intelligence . . . Why it Can Matter More than IQ.

Emotional Intelligence

Since Daniel Goleman’s book,

! There have been many who have written about various aspects of the EQ topic.

! In the book, Emotional Wellness, by OSHO, emotions are said to be in constant motion ~ as

the word e – motion suggests.

! Our charge is then to recognize that we’re ALL emotional beings, with feelings that are always in motion.

! OSHO suggests that we stop judging ourselves and others.

Emotional Wellness

EQ Operationalized

! Mayer and Salovey, Goleman and others have written much conceptually about Emotional Intelligence, then organizations came along to operationalize EQ . . . to give it practical application.

! Six Seconds gave us a new working definition of Emotional Intelligence and also developed 8 Competencies by which EQ can be applied.

Six Seconds Definition of EQ

! “Emotional Intelligence is the effective blending of thinking and feeling to make optimal decisions.”

! 1) Enhance Emotional Literacy! 2) Recognize Patterns! 3) Apply Consequential Thinking ! 4) Navigate Emotions! 5) Exercise Optimism! 6) Engage Intrinsic Motivation! 7) Increase Empathy! 8) Pursue Noble Goal

8 EQ Competencies

! Wisdom Lives Within ~ finding your own answers. Self reflection is the key.

! No Way is The Way ~ people have different learning styles and learn in different ways.

EQ Learning Philosophy

! The Process is the Content ~ learning comes from experiencing and reflecting.

! 1,2, 3 PASTA !

EQ Learning Philosophy

Know Thyself' are the words of Socrates.

“Leadership’s first commandment – Know Thyself” Harvard Business Review Dec. 2001

“He who know others is wise; He who knows himself is enlightened”

Lao Tzu

Know Thyself

Enhance Emotional Literacy allows us to name and understand our feelings.

Emotions are a feedback system delivering information/data that drives behavior and decisions.

Competency #1 Enhance Emotional Literacy

! Emotional Literacy provides critical information about you (and others), which gives you insight into the core drivers of behavior.

! Emotional literacy is the capacity to access and interpret that data.

Emotional Literacy

When you can see the mix of these emotions in

your current feeling, you can better understand the purpose or value of your feeling.

What are the Combination of Emotions & Their Meanings ?

! Trust or Acceptance = recognize value, openness! Joy = Achieving goals; expanding possibilities! Anticipation = planning ahead; seeking a new

situation! Anger = road is blocked; change needed! Disgust = something is unacceptable, reject or

move away! Sadness = not achieving goals, something

important is missing; loss of love! Surprise = reality is different than beliefs, re-

evaluate! Fear = uncertainty, unknown danger, powerlessness

Eight Basic Emotions & Meanings

Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions

! Emotions are signals to help us. There are no good or bad emotions; they all serve a purpose.

! When we feel something. How is the feeling trying to help or protect us ?

Reflections

Pen and Paper! Think of a time in your recent past when you had

a strong emotional response to something. It may have been in your professional life or perhaps in your personal life. The emotion may still be strong for you or perhaps you’ll need to conjur up those feelings.

! We’ll take just a moment here for you to recall such a time.

! Now, with that situation in mind, I will show you several slides filled with Mixed Emotion cards. Please take the opportunity to write down all the emotions that you experience in that situation.

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Reflections

! Emotions are signals to help us. There are no good or bad emotions; they all serve a purpose.

! When we feel something. How is the feeling trying to help or protect us ?

Reflections! Do these emotions stir you into action ? ! Or do you feel stuck as a result of this emotion ?

! If you were to let these emotions drive you, where would they take you ?

! What can you learn here ?

Reflections! “Aha” moments regarding Enhance Emotional Literacy ?

How can Enhance Emotional Literacy

A) Apply to your personal life ?

B) Apply to your professional life ?

Thoughts or questions here ?

! Definition: Consciously acknowledging frequently recurring reactions and behaviors.

! Sometimes people assess new situations and respond carefully and thoughtfully, but frequently they run on autopilot, reacting unconsciously based on habit.

Competency #2 Recognize Patterns

! Left unconscious, these patterns can inhibit optimal performance because they are a generalized response.

Recognize Patterns

! Recognizing Patterns helps you track and monitor your reactions – which is an essential step to managing them.

Recognize Patterns

! Because our brains are wired to form these neuro-pathways, we each, as individuals, develop patterns.

! Consider these situations, do you relate to any of the following ?

! When I feel frustrated . . . I withdraw! When I’m lonely, I eat.! When things aren’t going well . . .I blame others

Examples of Patterns

! When I expect too much, I get hurt. ! If someone is infringing on my special time with a good

friend, I get quiet or even surly.! When I’m away from my home and it’s the middle of the

night, my default mode is fear.! When having company, I put too much energy into having

the house look good, which interestingly increases my expectation to enjoy our time together, while also robs me of the energy I have to enjoy company. Leaves me frustrated.

! If someone poses a problem, I have to restrain myself from jumping into “fix it” mode.

! When my kids have asked for favors at the last minute, I could be quick to say, “No”

Some of my patterns

! Please take a minute to become aware of and write down a pattern that does not serve you.

What are your patterns ?

! Now that you’ve recognized a particular pattern that does not serve you, now identify a counter to that approach that would not limit you, but would rather free you . . .

Formation of productive pattern

! Consider the benefit of recognizing patterns in your personal and professional life.

! “The greatest despair is to not become the person you were meant to be.” Kierkegaard

Recognize Patterns

Recognize Patterns

! Questions ?

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! Evaluating the costs and benefits of your choices.

Competency #3 Apply Consequential Thinking

! This competence is critical for making a plan that accounts for the human dynamics.

Apply Consequential Thinking

Assessing the short and long term costs and

benefits of our choices.

Reviewing emotional history and determining how to do things better.

Apply Consequential Thinking

Examples

! Example : Rather than accusing, asking questions.

Internal Deliberation

! What is it in the short term and in the long term that you want out of this experience, courageous conversation, etc ?

! How can this be a win:win ?

Think about a courageous conversation you may need to have with someone

! With your notepad :

! What is it about ?

! In what ways will you want to be particularly sensitive in your approach ?

! How can the conversation be experienced as a win:win

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Competency #4Navigating Emotions

! Definition: Assessing, harnessing and transforming emotions as a strategic resource.

Navigating Emotions

! Importance: People are often told to control their emotions, to suppress feelings like anger, joy, or fear, and eliminate them from the decision-making process.

! Without emotion, people literally cannot make decisions.

Navigating Emotions

So rather than ignoring feelings or controlling them through sheer force of will, this competence lets you manage emotions, gain valuable insight from them, and then transform them.

Navigating Emotions

! The Reason this Organization is called Six Seconds:

! When we have a strong response to a stimuli which results in anger, frustration, jealousy, fear . . . it takes Six Seconds for our bodies to be flooded with neuro-chemicals.

Navigate Emotions

! Our brain responds with a flood of neuro-chemicals.

! Instead of being hijacked, we can observe what’s happening and override our tendency to react by engaging our prefrontal cortex = higher level thinking.

! We instead: think of our 6 favorite books/movies, etc.

What happens . . . what can we do ?

! Hunger! Lack of sleep! Caffeine! Junk food

Variables that can lead to our own emotional hijacking

Exercising Optimism

! Definition: Taking a proactive perspective of hope and possibility.

! Importance: This learned way of thinking + feeling gives you ownership of your decisions and outcomes.

Competency # 5 Exercising Optimism

! Increases the pool of choices and the opportunity for success.

! This provides a solution-oriented approach, helps you innovate, and allows you to engage others’ positive energy.

Exercising Optimism

! Other reasons for exercising Optimism ?

According to the book, How Full Is Your Bucket by Tom Rath: Increasing a positive outlook can: buffer us against adverse health effects and depression, enable recovery from pain, trauma, and illness and lengthen life span by 10 years.”

Exercising Optimism

! Definition: Gaining energy from personal values and commitments vs. being driven by external forces.

! Importance: People who require external reinforcement to be motivated are always at the mercy of others’ approval or reward system.

Competency #6Engage Intrinsic Motivation

! Engaging Intrinsic Motivation helps you develop and use lasting inner drivers. This allows you to stand up, challenge the status quo, take risks, and persevere when the going is tough.

Engaging Intrinsic Motivation

! Gaining energy from personal values and commitments vs. being driven by others.

Intrinsic Motivation

! What drives you ? What are the social injustice issues or other issues you would put muscle behind ?

! What are your everyday passions that motivate you to rise to the daily challenges ?

! What are the values you hold/internal drivers that help you be excellent at what you do ?

How are you intrinsically motivated ?

! Use your notepad and make a list of causes, passions and values that motivate you.

What Drives You ?

Thoughts ?

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Increase Empathy

! Definition: Recognizing and appropriately responding to others’ emotions.

! Importance: Empathy is a nonjudgmental openness to others’ feelings and experiences that builds connection and awareness.

Competency #7Increase Empathy

Increase Empathy! In other words, Increase Empathy means

recognizing and appropriately responding to others emotions

! The next steps include listening, sharing and responding in a way that shows your concern.

! Empathy is key to understanding others and forming enduring and trusting relationships.

! In a workshop, again, we would have individual and group exercises to integrate the learning.

Increase Empathy

! Definition: Connecting your daily choices with your overarching sense of purpose.

! Importance: Noble Goals activate all of the other competencies in the SIX Seconds Model. When people examine their personal vision, mission and legacy and use that conviction to set their goals and objectives, emotional intelligence gains relevance and power.

Competency #8Pursue Noble Goal

! When you are clear about your Noble Goal, you feel compelled to pay fierce attention to your daily choices and to ensure that you are not undermining your life’s purpose.

Pursue Noble Goal

! Outwardly focused! Gets me up ! Keeps the energy moving! Maintains my drive! Inspires peak performance! Energizes me to do my best

Noble Goal

! Here are some examples:

! “To inspire positive change in myself and others”

! “To co-create a context for humanity”

! “To use my voice so that others may use theirs”

! “To inspire compassionate wisdom”

! Mine: “To expand loving community”

Noble Goals

Today we talked about ~

! The history of Emotional Intelligence as a concept.

! EQ operationalized ~ Learning ways to grow Emotional Intelligence via the 8 EQ Competencies developed by Six Seconds.

! In our Worksites ?

! In our Schools ?

! In our Homes ?

! In our Communities ?

So, why would we want more Emotional Intelligence . . .

Why would we want more Emotional Intelligence for our World ?

! It starts with you -! “The smartest thing ! you can do with ! Emotional Intelligence! Is turn it on yourself”

! -Harvard Business Review

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Resources! www.6seconds.org

! Instruments that assess Emotional Intelligence include: SEI Self, SEI 360, LVS Self, LVS 360, TVS and OVS.

! If you send me your email address, I can send you a link to take the complimentary Brain Talent Profile. A good cursory assessment that summarizes your EQ talents.

! My contact information: [email protected]

! I’m available to provide customized experiential EQ events for Leadership &/or Staff including full day, 1/2 day or hour long workshops. I am certified to administer the SEI Self and SEI 360. Currently working to complete Vital Signs Assessment Certification.

References! Freedman, J. (2007, 2012). At the Heart of Leadership

How to Get Results with Emotional Intelligence. California: Six Seconds.

! Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence - Why it Can Matter More Than IQ. NY: Bantam.

! OSHO (2007). Emotional Wellness. Switzerland: OSHO International Foundation.

! Rath, Tom (2004,2009). How Full Is Your Bucket? NY: Gallup Press.

! Six Seconds The Emotional Intelligence Network

Questions/Answers