MAY 2011 FREE THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE 138 Main Street, South Paris 744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com .com [email protected]UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST The Most Unusual Digest in America 1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126 ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINE ELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS PARKING LOT LIGHTING REPAIR & UPGRADES • Lighting Repairs • Energy Efficient LED & HID Upgrades • New Installation • Ask about Efficiency Maine Incentives www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com
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MAY 2011FREE
THE BEST THINGSIN LIFE ARE
138 Main Street, South Paris744-0290 • 1 800 686-7633 • www.creaserjewelers.com
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGESTThe Most Unusual Digest in America
1200 Minot Ave., Auburn • 783-7126
ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS OF MAINEELECTRICAL CONTRACTORS
PARKING LOT LIGHTING REPAIR & UPGRADES
• Lighting Repairs• Energy Efficient LED & HID Upgrades• New Installation• Ask about Efficiency Maine Incentives
www.electricalsystemsofmaine.com
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 20112
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
Uncle Andy is wondering if the reason Rice Krispies start making noise when you pour milk on them is because they are drowning?
786-3731Pelletier’s Karate Academy
I-35 Taylor Hill Road • Lewiston (1-1/2 miles past Marden’s)Email: [email protected] • www.pelletierskarate.com
May 18th
Intro to Karatefor kids
We are the only CertifiedOKINAWAN KENPO SCHOOL
in the Twin Cities
Check out our all new website!
www.pelletierskarate.comFitness Kickboxing
Lil Ninjas 3-6 year olds
Kids 7-12 year olds
Adults
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No DirtyJokes Here!
Riddle of the Month
Arnold Schwarzeneg-ger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has asmall one.
Madonna doesn't haveone.
The Pope has one butdoesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all thetime.
Mickey Mouse has anunusual one.
Liberace never usedhis on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very,very proud of his.
Cher claims that shetook on 3.
We never saw Lucyuse Desi's.
What is it?
In 1722, JacobRoggeveen discoveredEaster Island. EasterIsland is a smallmulti-volcanoedmound, 2,400 mileswest of the coast ofChile and 2,500 mileseast of Tahiti. The 2000permanent inhabitantshave the honor ofbeing the remotestpopulation on the faceof the Earth.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 3783-7039
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like stripping the gears.
It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.
Tuesday, May 24Pizza Hut (Chapter 10929)Rt 26 Oxford 11:30am – 1:00pm$5/Member $5.50/Guest
Wednesday, May 25Roy’s Allsteak Hamburgers(Chapter 14346)Center St. Auburn 4pm – 7pm$5/Member $5.50/Guest
Tuesday, May 31Dairy Joy (Chapter 8609)Campus Ave, Lewiston or Spring St. Auburn3:00pm – 7:00pm$1 per Tix for L/A Humane Society
Please Note: Prices and Menu areSubject to Change.*****************************Tickets need to be purchased at the Mod-ern Woodmen District Office, 184 WebsterStreet, Lewiston for all activities and canonly be picked up the week prior to the ac-tivity, Monday – Thursday 9am - 4pm andFriday 9am - Noon (excluding Holiday’s).FMI call 782-1833.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 20114
Judge everything by appearances and nobody would ever eat an oyster.
The younger we are, the more we want to change the world. The older we are, the more we want to change the young.
Uncle Andy’s Digestis published by the first
Friday of every month byMaine Mountain Ocean
Group, Inc. with offices at 9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.
It is distributed free through-out Central Maine and mailed
to subscribers all over theworld. Subscriptions are
Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired on-site, usually same-day service!
Uncle Andy’s Digestis not responsible for
typographical errors that may occurin advertisements.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
ON-SITE DRUG TESTING
*All reports are verified by a licensed Private Investigator
MID MAINE DRUG SCREENING & INVESTIGATIONSFull Service Drug Testing Company & Private Investigator
577-6000 • www.MMDRUGSCREENING.com
D.O.T. DrugScreening
$15$20
We also perform hair follicle drug screens, paternity tests, private investigations, tenant screenings & background checks.
Testing can be performed in the privacy of your home or office.
*Call for out-of-area pricing
Available 24-7, 365 days a yearAfter Hours
& Weekends*
Local*
Alcohol Screening$30 Includes
confirmation if necessary
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 5783-7039
This would be a wonderful world if we showed as much patience in all things as we do in waiting for a fish to bite.
"I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise." – Noel Coward
I’ve got my eye on you, Uncle Andy!
Out & About at Phyllis Curtis’ 90th
birthday party atSchooner Estates
Alliyah, Katie, Maddelyn & Keegan
(clockwise starting top left)
Mike Everett
Jamie Pelletier
Mike, when it comes to Uncle Andy,you have to keep both
eyes wide open!
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MAY 20116
"Whatever you are, be a good one." – Abraham Lincoln
Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
AUBURN-LEWISTON YMCA • AUBURN (Next to the County Courthouse)
207 795 4095 • www.alymca.org
CAMP CONNORWHO: Boys & Girls Grades K-8WHY: A natural environment for your
child to experience a true outdoorsummer camp.FREE transportationFREE pre/post camp care availableFREE lunch
OPEN HOUSETryTheY
May 16th - 22nd
2-week
FREETrial familymembership
Y Kids Summer CampThe Y Kids Summer Day Camp is based at the Yand is for boys & girls entering Kindergarten throughthe age of 8. Camp hours are 6:00am to 6:00pm,and weekly field trips are included.
So easy, even my caveman
can do it!
GEICO
Out & About at Phyllis Curtis’ 90th
birthday party atSchooner Estates
Sue & Jay Goodwin
Paula Everett
Steve Goodwin & Bill Hiss
Steve, let’s look at page 89
right now, call Colleenand sign us up for that
golf tourney on May 21st.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 7783-7039
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." – Sacha Guitry
5/31/11
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
"You are only young once but can stay immature indefinitely." – Ogden Nash
See store for details
AMESSPORT SHOP, Inc
84 Littlefield Road • Auburn • 782-4917(off Hotel Road & across from Merrow Road)
SHARE OUR PASSION2011
RIDE INTO SPRINGSALES EVENT
Out & About at Phyllis Curtis’ 90th
birthday party atSchooner Estates
Peter Curtis & Jack Marsh
Anna Waldman & Kim Parks
Phyllis Curtisthe birthday girl with Jack Marsh
You’re taller than you look in
the Digest...
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 20118
"It is not possible to have reasonable grounds for not believing in miracles." - Pascal
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Large Meatball Sub$4.69
Murray Special
Large 16” Fresh Dough
Pizza - 5 toppings $13.75
SERVICE...Agreements
24/7 emergency
Oil or Propane
Residential or Commercial
Call us to experience our �Service� difference!
“Delivering Comfort you Can Count On”
"I so appreciated your technician calling
me and explaining why he couldn't finish
the job today. He was concerned and very
courteous. My parents as well as myself,
have appreciated your wonderful service
over the years, thanks!" – Ann, Poland
A recent comment from a customer...
I like you. People say I have no taste, but I like you.
Benefit Concert forDempsey Cancer Center
at Schemengee’s, 551 Lincoln St., Lewiston
Friday, May 27th7pm-Midnight
Join the Pink Angels at theDempsey Challenge
DempseyChallenge2011.kintera.org/pinkangels
FMI: Contact Trisha Marston @ 576-5001
50/50 RafflesAuction Items
Tons of fun! Join us!!
BROAD STREET BAND
LIVE MUSICLIVE MUSIC
COME SUPPORT THISGREAT CAUSE!
COME SUPPORT THISGREAT CAUSE!
ONLY$5
Cover
FOREFRONT
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 2011 9783-7039
M-F 7am-6:30pmWeekends by
appointment only
A tired dog is a happy hound!Interact, run and play with other dogsReceive hands on loving care & supervisionBe more calm & well behaved at home due to less pent up energy
Lisa Poulin &Bruce Bilodeau
Your dog will...
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome, as a solution to the problem.
The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard.
"There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity." - Douglas MacArthur
Weddings, Birthdays, Corporate Functions & More
BARBEQUE & CATERING SERVICE
795-6778 or 577-5523 • www.moosesmobilekitchen.com
Let Moose’s Mobile Kitchenmake your event complete!
Parties from 1 - 200
We modify our abilities tomeet your needs!
Call us and we can create amenu just for you!
Bon AppétitSubmitted by Glen Gisel
A little old lady an-swered a knock on thedoor one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young mancarrying a vacuumcleaner.
“Good morning,” saidthe young man. “If Icould take a coupleminutes of your time, Iwould like to demon-strate the very latest inhigh-powered vacuumcleaners...”
“Go away!” said the oldlady. “I'm broke andhaven't got anymoney!” and she pro-ceeded to close thedoor.
Quick as a flash, theyoung man wedged hisfoot in the door andpushed it wide open...“Don't be too hasty!” hesaid. “Not until youhave at least seen mydemonstration.”
And with that, he emp-tied a bucket of horsemanure onto her hall-way carpet.
“Now, if this vacuumcleaner does not re-move all traces of thishorse manure fromyour carpet, Madam, Iwill personally eat theremainder.”
The old lady steppedback and said, “Well let me get you a fork,'cause they cut off my electricity thismorning.”
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201110When I went to Starbucks for coffee. They lied. It wasn't Starbucks, it was four bucks!
Christians are called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.Out & About at Phyllis Curtis’ 90th
birthday party atSchooner Estates
Jody McMorrow & Pam Parks
Paula, Phyllis & Pamela
the birthday girl is flanked byher two daughters
In 1959, the Coasters'hit single "CharlieBrown" was banned byBBC radio because thelyrics contained theword "spitball."
Samʼs Body Shop
Put the gun down and step away from
the vehicle!
But, I thought you said it was a shotgun
wedding...
Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - the loose nut behind the steering wheel
22 Mill St., New Auburn • 782-3150 • Open daily 9am-6pmWe ship anywhere
in the US
“If we wereany fresheryou’d haveto slap us!”
Includes: 1-1/8th lb. Lobster1 lb. Clams
LOBSTER & CLAM BAKE
EXTRA EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!
$15
Congratulations goes to Neil LaRochelle
All cooked!
(Please call one hour
before pickup)
1 Ear of Corn2 Red PotatoesSide of butter
Always Fresh
LaRochelle’sSeafood
FIRST PLACE BEST CHOWDERPeople’s Choice Award
2011 Chili & Chowder Challenge
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 11783-7039
New Auburn Business DistrictShop Local
New Auburn Social Club7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039
United New AuburnAssociation
MeetingLast Tuesday
of May (May 31st)
• Friday, May 13th, starting at 5pm
Benefit Dinner for Tim Webster
• Saturday, May 14th, 4:30 p.m.
Benefit Dinner M.D.A.
- American Chop Suey!
Jennifer Smith& Maria Pete
Healthy Androscoggin ispleased to congratulate thenineteen hospitals recog-nized at the 2011 Gold StarStandards of ExcellenceAwards Celebration. Locally, we are proud ofCentral Maine Medical Center for receiving a silverstandard of excellence fromthe Maine Tobacco-FreeHospital Network and St. Mary’s for receivingbronze standard of excel-lence from the Maine Tobacco-Free Hospital Network. These hospitalshave taken steps to maketheir campuses tobacco-free and support tobacco-free lifestyles for theiremployees, patients and thecommunity. Maria Pete andJennifer Smith both fromSt. Mary’s received individ-ual Gold Stars. Hospitals,along with eight individualsGold Stars were recognizedat the celebration on March23rd at the Maine HospitalAssociation in Augusta.
47 Broad Street, Auburn • 782-9044 Every Saturday “Love at first bite!”
Andy’s Baked Bean Specials…Don’t Miss Out!
ANDY’s Baked Beans & Tavern
HOME COOKED FOOD EVERY DAY
PoolDartsLarge Screen TV
Hang out, have adrink, eat and havesome fun with us!
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201114Supporting the metric system every inch of the way!
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." – Jimmy Durante
When the gaming gets tough, bring out the cheat codes.
Quality Service at an Affordable Price
250 Broad Street in New Auburn • 783-4933 • www.majorauto.netMAJOR AUTOMOTIVENEW
By Appointment OnlyWith Coupon Only
Expires 5-31-11
EARLY BIRD A/C RECHARGE
$129.95(Reg. $169.95)
Most Vehicles - With Coupon OnlyExpires 5-31-11
ALIGNMENT CHECK
Jim’s AUTO SALES
www.JimsAutoSales.com
1097 Center St., Auburn • 784-54381-800-289-5467 Ask for Dave
Over 60 vehicles to choose from starting at $3,800 online at:
WOW! Great price!
Great on gas!
This car is so much fun to drive!
2002 Honda Accord EXV6, Leather, Moonroof
$6,995Now only
2004 Mini CooperLeather, Moonroof, Automatic
$9,700Now only
28mpg 32mpg
CowsSubmitted by Gene Couillard
Is it just me, or does
anyone else find it
amazing that during
the mad cow epidemic
our government could
track a single cow,
born in Canada almost
three years ago, right
to the stall where she
slept in the state of
Washington? And, they
tracked her calves to
their stalls. But they
are unable to locate 11
million illegal aliens
wandering around our
country. Maybe we
should give each of
them a cow.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 15783-7039
Even though they are paid differently, everyone has to feel appreciated. – Roger Staubach
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
Lifetime Warranty • Free EstimatesFree Pickup and Delivery
Kelly Soraccoof Turner is now the newowner of Gregory's Hair-styles in Auburn and haschanged the business nameto Hair by Gregory's. So-racco, who had worked as astylist at the salon for thepast two years, recentlybought the business and hasalready made a few improve-ments to their salon. Thesalon has had a bit ofmakeover with new paint,new logo and name, buteverything else remains thesame. Hair by Gregory's stilloffers the same great serv-ices, performed by the sameprofessional staff, with thesame convenient hours andaffordable prices. Kellybrings to the business 26years of experience in haircare and also a degree inbusiness from the Universityof Maine. She looks forwardto continuing to help clientsachieve the best look possi-ble. Hair by Gregory's offerscomplete hair services byappointment and they alsoaccept walk-ins. Stop by thesalon today and check outthe updated look, it is lo-cated at 600 Center St.,Suite 4 in The Shaw's Plazaor call 786-0112 to make anappointment with any of thestaff at Hair by Gregory's.See the ad on page 74 FMI.
Meet the NEW Owner
Mike Morin’s Auto Center
“A proud member of the Napa Auto Care Team.”
1122 Center St., Auburn • 753-0433
Cobalt blue & silver, air rideseat, GPS, AM/FM stereo,
extra chrome, 2 windshields
2006 Harley-DavidsonUltra Classic
$16,500
I am selling my own 2006 Harley-DavidsonUltra Classic for only
$16,500!
2-Wheel Alignment$65.95
4-Wheel Alignment$72.95
May Special
2000 Chevy S-10
Ext. Cab,CD, Bedliner
$6,045ONLY 16k
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201116What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice," so I took it.
Expires 5/31/11. Not valid with any other offers.
General Family & Cosmetic Dentistry
John Codjoe, DDSEugene Kim, DDS
Michael Bufo, DMD
$25 GAS CARDfor every new patient(cleaning, exam & X-rays)
Out & About atHealthy Kids Day
2011 at the Y
Logan Carter
Ambrose & Ann
Delaney, Elissa & Sophia
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 17783-7039
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
"A chip on the shoulder is too heavy a piece of baggage to carry through life." – John Hancock
Coming Soon
&
❦ Huge Wine Selection❦ Freshly Baked Breads❦ Freshly Made Pastries & Donuts❦ Fresh Home Made Fudge❦ Large Cheese Selection
Farm Stand Opening Soon for the season
Fresh Produce • Jams • Jellies • Maple Syrup...and more
Bakery
WineCellar
72 Lisbon Road • Lisbon, Maine
www.benoitsbakery.com
Out & About atHealthy Kids Day
2011 at the Y
Lisa & Mary
Kara & MckennaMurphy
Canaan & Deanna
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201118My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Learn to pause ... or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you. – Doug King
Morrison & Sylvester1175 Minot Ave.
Auburn, ME 04210
783-8548 • www.morrisontruck.net
PARTS • SALES • SERVICE
WE FEATURE: • Service For All Makes • Parts For All Makes
• Sales of New International Trucks• Sales Of Used Trucks Of All Makes
Outdone
The pilot was sitting inhis seat and pulled outa .38 revolver. Heplaced it on top of theinstrument panel, thenasked the navigator,"Do you know what Iuse this for?"
The navigator repliedtimidly, "No, what's itfor?"
The pilot responded, "Iuse this on navigatorswho get me lost!"
The navigator pro-ceeded to pull out a .45and placed it on hischart table.
The pilot asked,"What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," thenavigator replied, "I'llknow we're lost beforeyou will."
Women Rider'sMonth!
Attention Lady MotorcycleRiders! Stop by CentralMaine Powersports allmonth long, show us yourmotorcycle endorsementon your license and get anextra 10% off all apparel &riding accessories. CentralMaine Powersports is thearea's leading Polaris,Yamaha & Honda dealer,featuring cruising & streetmotorcycles, dirt bikes,ATV's & side by sides,parts, apparel & acces-sories and generators. Seetheir ad on page 19 forcontact & Open Houseevent info.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 19783-7039 "If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one." – Dolly Parton
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. Out & About atHealthy Kids Day
2011 at the Y
Kayla Dubois &Katie
Bosten & Alicia
Kristin Freeman& Rachel Doiron
of UNE Dental Hygiene Program
It’s important to brush your teeth at least twice a day and tofloss at least once each
day, too!845 Main Street, Lewiston • 689-2345www.centralmainepowersports.com
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201120Never let the fear of striking out get in your way. – Babe Ruth
DR. MICHAEL METAYER, O.D.
Auburn Mall Eye Care550 Center Street, Auburn (inside the Auburn Mall)
(207) 782-5030
Eye Exams & Contact Lenses!
for the whole family
I was walking along the street when a man attacked me with a pint of milk and cheese and I thought how dairy!
MAY 2011 23783-7039 Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one. – Benjamin Franklin
A scary thought from Maxine: Do you realize in about 40 years, weʼll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? And Rap music will be the golden oldies!
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn
Brad Johnson
Any Make, Any ModelAny Problem…
Fully Warranteed & CertifiedBrad’s Precision Auto 333-0364
NO PROBLEM!
$55/hr. LABOR RATE
Appointments Required, Please call first
www.soundeffectsmaine.com Scott Feldman
Next to Republic Jewelry & parking in back of building
NOW LOCATED AT:
216 Center Street, Auburn • 777-3339
2 Gig wireless home alarm systems coming soon! Stop by today to see
what this baby can do. It’s impressive!
QUALITY REPAIRS SINCE 1979CARS • LT. TRUCKS • SUVs – We service them all
“The 2010 AAA Approved Repair Facility of the Year!”With 100% Customer Satisfaction!!
MAY 2011 27783-7039 The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking.
Politeness is like an air-cushion - there'snothing in it but it eases the jolts.
Growing their Family
Laura MurrayMaine Family Federal CreditUnion announces the hiring ofLaura Murray.
Laura will be supervising theCredit Solutions department lo-cated in the Lewiston office.She has previously worked atLewiston Municipal FCU for 13years as their Loan Officer/Col-lection Officer before going toSabattus Regional CU as theirHead Teller/Loan Officer. MaineFamily has employed Laura forfour months as the Credit Solu-tions Manager. She is very ex-cited to be working for MaineFamily because, “We are a fam-ily oriented credit union anddedicated to helping our mem-bers. Come on over and joinus!”
Maine Family Federal CreditUnion is a cooperative dedi-cated to helping our memberslead a healthy economic life byproviding personalized financialsolutions. Our mission guidesus in how we interact with ourmembers every day. Experiencethe Feeling of Family. We wantyou to feel like you're part ofour Family.
You are eligible to become amember of Maine Family CreditUnion if you reside, work, wor-ship, attend school, or have im-mediate family members whoreside within our field of mem-bership of AndroscogginCounty. Simply opening a shareaccount with a minimum de-posit of $25.00. See our ad onpage 51.Dan, Jo & Maureen
We still make the food the same way
today as we did 24 yearsago when I started working
here and everyone ab-solutely loves it!
I agree Jo, we're very happy to keep the traditions
going at Tabers and keeping the busi-ness in the family, too. My son, Dan has
been doing a great job over the past 3 years as the new owner.
Out & About at Tabers on opening day
The Domingue's: Jerry, Carol,Austin & Dylan
Some say we're a part of an
Xtreme Family
Dave & Lana Gould Owner of Hot StuffTanning & Danielle Borden
A little sword practice
Cardio DemoCome to Hot Stuff Tanning and Get Fit &
Fabulous with their Cardio & Zumba Classes
The Biggest Piece
Little Johnny and his family lived inthe country, and as a result seldomhad guests. He was eager to help hismother after his father appeared withtwo dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Lit-tle Johnny went to the kitchen andproudly carried in the first piece ofapple pie, giving it to his father whopassed it to a guest. Little Johnnycame in with a second piece of pieand gave it to his father, who againgave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny,who said, "It's no use, Dad. Thepieces are all the same size."
Out & About at Hot Stuff Tanning & Wellness Center
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201128When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Catty remarks have more lives than a cat.
www.donovansauto.com946-7515 • 1-800-811-8856
To view the complete inventory of 50 vehicles, visit our website
Out & About at St. Dom’s String Program
Taught by Steve Grenier of Main St. Music Lessons
Lesson #1 kids, never practice on an empty stomach...
The St. Dom's String Program entertains attendees at the St. Dominic Annual Silent Auction
Who are these guys?
Rumor has it they were all dressed up and did have aplace to go... our source thinks they this pic was taken
just before the Lewiston senior prom circa 1950.Trivia: Tell us who they are and win a FREE hand car
wash compliments of Uncle Andy’s Digest!Email [email protected] with your answer and info.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 29783-7039
"This boy's making more noise than a couple of skeletons throwing a fit on a tin roof." – Foghorn Leghorn
"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted." -- Mary O'Connor
OIL & FILTER CHANGE$10 OFF
Check out other great coupon specials online
1606 Main St. (Rt. 26) Oxford, ME • goodwinmotorgroup.com
Try our state-of-the-art Service, Parts & Body Shop
and SAVE MONEY!
Purchase of 4 tires & alignment
$50 OFFBODY SHOP SPECIAL$100 OFF
Can be used for any collision or paint repair
that exceeds $500
1-866-370-9225
Restoration services on classic & antiqueautos from repairs to touch-ups.
Guaranteed work! We’ll get your vehiclein and out quickly.
We offer 24 hour towing services for any vehicle
GoodwinChevrolet Buick - Oxford
POTHOLE SPECIAL
$99.95Rotate & balance tires, perform
computerized 4-wheel alignment, inspectsuspension and steering components
Expires 5/31/11. One coupon per customerMay not be combined with any other offers.
Save your vehicle from winter’spothole brutality!
DETAIL SPECIAL
$139.95Protect your vehicle from the elements.
Complete vehicle detail and reconditioningspecial. Wash, buff, wax, interior shampoo
and detail.
Expires 5/31/11. One coupon per customerMay not be combined with any other offers.
Expires 5/31/11. One coupon per customerMay not be combined with any other offers.
Expires 5/31/11. One coupon per customerMay not be combined with any other offers.
Expires 5/31/11. One coupon per customerMay not be combined with any other offers.
Out & About at the8th Annual Chili
and ChowderTaste Challenge
HelloGov-nah!
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201130
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." – Bernard Bailey
Dear Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder - and your hand over my mouth.
Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets oiled, sometimes it gets replaced.
Things are heating up...The weather’s getting nice and the deals
are even hotter! Come check us out!!
UP TO 45 MPH
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
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MAY 201132
Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Out & About atEmerson Toyota
Andrew Colapietro
Eric Mortenson
Ron "Foxy" Fox
No, give me a call!
No, give ME
a call!!
Pick out one of those great lookingvehicles on pages 24
& 25 and give me a call.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 33783-7039
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars cannow be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
"Helping the environment one job at a time"
Call us for a free quote to clean your business
K+L GREEN CLEAN, INC577-8725
Look for this K+L decal at local businesses in L-ACheck us out online at:
KandLGreenClean.com
www.LuiggisPizzeria.comSince 1953
GRILLED CHICKENWRAP $4.99
May Special
Substitute Whole Wheat Wrap +.30¢
GRILLED CHICKENSALAD SANDWICH
$4.50
272 South Main St. Auburn • www.deepseacreations.com • 1-888-782-4372 • 782-4372
Marine Fish • Coral • SuppliesMarine Fish • Coral • Supplies
Tropica l HarmonyAll your salt water tank
needs right here!
Get your snacks &ice cold beer herebefore hitting thearea golf courses!
Out & About atEmerson Toyota
SamanthaHolden
For a great deal on a Toyota,
come see me!
The PerishingParish
A pastor had had a badweek. On Sunday hewas very frustrated andhe began his sermon,"Everyone in thisparish is going to hell ifthey don't change theirways."
One man in the backbegan to laugh.
So the pastor said itagain louder.
The man continued tolaugh.
The pastor went backto him and asked himwhy he was laughing.
He answered, "Be-cause I don't belong tothis parish!"
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201134
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Fred Brown, Shane Lacasse, Deanna Groves & Peter Michalak
NEW LOCATION!Across from Maine Oxy.
Two driveways down fromDoggz Inn in Auburn.
15 Pierce StreetAuburn 615-7057
WE PAY YOU!Maine’s Most Trusted Recycler
Automobile Batteries .............................$9*Alloy Rims .....................................$16 each*Catalytic Converters.........from $8 to $260*Starters/Alternators.....................$4 each*Computer Green Board Scraps........$2/lb.*Copper, Brass, Aluminum, Insulated Wire, Electric Motors, Radiators, Transmissions
*Prices subject to change to market conditions
Congratulations to everyone who quit smoking via Healthy Androscoggin's
Annual Quit & Win Program
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Jean FournierJean C. Fournier, a rep-
resentative of ModernWoodmen of America,has been named to Mod-ern Woodmenʼs 2010Presidentʼs Cabinet. Thisdistinction recognizesFournierʼs high achieve-ment in life insurancesales and ranking amongthe organizationʼs toprepresentatives nation-wide.
Founded in 1883, Mod-ern Woodmen of Americatouches lives and securesfutures. The fraternal ben-efit society offers financialservices and fraternalmember benefits to indi-viduals and familiesthroughout the UnitedStates.
Our favorite restauranthas a waitress whosename-tag reads "Beautiful."
"Is that really yourname?" I asked her.
"No" she admitted."But if people are goingto holler at me all day, Ican at least be calledsomething I like."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201136
If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!
A procrastinator's work is never done.
CHECK OUT www.secondchanceboxer.com
9 South Main Street Mechanic Falls, ME • (207) 345-8711 • 1-800-339-0414
AUTOS • HOMEOWNERS
MOTORCYCLES • BUSINESS
THE CUMMINGS AGENCY, INC. INSURANCE
Jeffrey R. Cummings • Nora W. Cummings
Nes
sie
Port
er
Boo
Dog gonnit…
We want your business!
Complete Auto & Truck Repair• Front End Alignments• Engine Diagnostics• Custom Exhaust• Tires, Batteries
10% OFFwith this ad
Ron Moon,Manager
35 Lewiston Rd. • Gray, ME 04039
• Transmission Flush• State Inspections• Complete Front End Work• Tune-ups
207-657-5000
HOURS: Mon.-Sat. 7am-9pm; Sun. 10am-8pm
May Special
$1 OFFAwesome ChickenSalad Sandwich*
600 Turner Street, Auburn784-3434
www.heidisauburn.com
Breakfast served all day!
includes choice of potato salad, cole slaw or chips & a pickle
*full size sandwich
LOCALLY OWNED AND OPERATED
Beer & Wine available
Feeding 8 or more people?Call for our boxed lunches & platters!
Out & About at the8th Annual Chili
and ChowderTaste Challenge
This is the pose of the Green
Ladle ninja!
Q: What do you calltwo Mexicans playingbasketball?
Broad Street BandCentral Maine’s Premiere Classic Rock Dance Band
www.broadstreetband.net
May 5 @ Pedro O’Hara’s, Lewiston
May 7 @ Fastbreaks, Lewiston
May 14 @ Poland Spring Inn, Poland
May 21 @ Clubhouse Tavern, Livermore
May 27 @ Schemengees, Lewiston
June 4 @ Fastbreaks, Lewiston
Broad Street BandIsn't it time you threw
yourself a party?We’d love to perform at your
outdoor BBQ this summer!
Out & About atTabers on
opening day
Emily Chouinard& Shae Godbout
Stop by Taber's for a
delicious meal and someice cream, we'd be happy to take your
order.
Boy, doesn’t it feel good to be out
here swinging the clubs!
Mrs. Blackie &Steve Jordan
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 41783-7039
Hundreds of kids are shipped off to Mime Boarding School every year, never to be heard from again.
It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student.
Growing their Family
Eric BennettMaine Family Federal CreditUnion announces the hiring ofEric Bennett.
Bennett, the newest teller inLewiston, previously was em-ployed at Old Orchard BeachPizza and Tim Hortons. He isexcited to be working for MaineFamily because he loves people.
Maine Family Federal CreditUnion is a cooperative dedi-cated to helping our memberslead a healthy economic life byproviding personalized financialsolutions. Our mission guidesus in how we interact with ourmembers every day. Experiencethe Feeling of Family. We wantyou to feel like you're part ofour Family.
You are eligible to become amember of Maine Family CreditUnion if you reside, work, wor-ship, attend school, or have im-mediate family members whoreside within our field of mem-bership of AndroscogginCounty. Simply opening a shareaccount with a minimum de-posit of $25.00. See our ad onpage 51.
In 2000, studiesrevealed that cocoabeans contain largeamounts of naturalantioxidants that helpto reduce the risk ofcardiovasculardisease.
May 28-30, 2011
Simard-Payne Memorial Park(Off Lincoln Street in Lewiston)
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201142
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Christine Emily
studio for hair, nails & massage20 Coburn Street, Auburn • 782-9009
(Off Center St., across from D’Angelos)Open Monday-Saturday
Get your Spring highlights, cuts, styles, manicures, pedicures & waxing today!
Micaela
GET SHELLACKED!
www.panachehairandnailstudio.com
Now Offering Shellac Manicures.Call for an appointment.
Daniel Michelle Jen Cindy Elizabeth Lynn
“Ticket” Auction
Saturday, May 7thBidding from 11:00-1:00Auction from 1:00-3:00
St. Phillip’s Church, Rte. 4, Auburn
To benefit Michele “Mikki” Swiftin her 3rd battle with breast cancer
Hundreds of Items • 50/50 RaffleKids Table • Grab Bag • Face Painting
Hot Dogs & Baked Goods
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.Not Telling
A friend of mine was inthe hospital awaitingthe arrival of her firstchild. When I tele-phoned the hospital tosee if the baby had ar-rived, the nurse said ithad.
I asked if it was a boyor girl and was told thatit was against hospitalpolicy to give this infor-mation over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I canunderstand that. Butcan you tell me whatshe didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," camethe reply.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 43783-7039
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
"Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain." – Charlie Chaplin
Emily Desmarais
at Pipsqueaks
I love shopping at
Pipsqueaks! Jump topage 49 to learn
more...
Following Orders
As we stood in forma-tion at the PensacolaNaval Air Station, ourFlight Instructor said,"All right! All you idiotsfall out."
As the rest of thesquad wandered away,I remained at attention.
The Instructor walkedover until he was eye-to-eye with me, andthen just raised a single eyebrow.
I smiled and said,"Sure was a lot of 'em,huh sir?"
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201144
"Before you can win, you have to believe you are worthy." – Mike Ditka
"You learn something every day if you pay attention." – Ray LeBlond
Expert Custom Framing!Quality Personal Service!!
Along with the best selection offrames and mats for prints, pictures
481 Maine St. • Poland Spring, MaineJoseph Cimino • Roger [email protected]
207-998-2806207-576-9535207-576-1553
Out & About at the8th Annual Chili
and ChowderTaste Challenge
Yes, I will your guide on this
3-hour tour. Follow meto Captain Don’s
Loft...
Q: For what kind oftooth can you be surethe tooth fairy will leaveexactly one dollar?
A: A buck tooth
97 Ash St., Lewiston • 783-0668
Live Entertainment WeekendsFri. May 6th TBASat. May 7th Veggies by DayFri. May 13th Black Cat RoadSat. May 14th SköshFri. May 20th TBASat. May 21st Veggies by DayFri. May 27th TBASat. May 28th Ascent to Power
Free WiFi
Open JamThursdays
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 45783-7039
Ditch the driving test for an I.Q. test.
"An idea that is clear and precise even though false will always have greater power in the world than an idea that is true but complex." – Alexis de Tocqueville
120 Center Street, Auburn
784-9900www.AuburnGoinPostal.com
We can ship anything... Anywhere!(well, almost anything)
We guarantee you will save time by reducingthe hours spent producing payroll information
and preparing payroll registers, quarterly, andyear to date payroll reports.
100 Manley Road, Auburn
SAVE VALUABLE TIME!Whether you’re a one-person company or a several hundred-person company,
time is an issue.
Out & About for The Galloup School of Lutherie Seminar at Main St. Music Lessons
Sam Guidryexplains the fundamentals of Guitar setup
Denny Breaupicks on a Custom Galloup guitar & performs original songs
at an intimate performance after the Lutherie Seminar
Denny Breau & Colleen Poulin
Whales die if their echo system fails.
Best Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle: I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
782-5920www.MadisonAveSalon.net
Doesn’t damage your hairUses real human hair
Lisa TinderCertified in NEO Extensions
24 Colors:Colors can betoned to matchexisting hair!
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
Out & About at Hot Stuff Tanning &
Wellness Center
Shanan Mendenhall& Broch Bissonette
Laura Pendexter of Strip T's
Kelli Gilzow &Julie Kramarz
of Xtreme Fitness at Hot Stuff Tanning
Introducing our newest stylist...
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 47783-7039
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. – Mary H. Waldrip
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. – Author Unknown
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. – Proverb
20 Maple Street • Mechanic Falls345-3765 • Open 7 days 9am-5pm
Richard Conway, owner
10% MOREEarn
with any amount of bottles with this coupon!
Expires 5/31/11
Mechanic Falls Redemption
We’re across from the car wash,
just down from Future Foods. Anddefinitely worth
the trip!
5 Pigeon Hill Road �Route 26 and 11�, Mechanic Falls • 998-5577Egg-ceptional Restaurant & Bakery
�Home of the Double Yolker�Breakfast served all day
Superb service • Handicap accessibleComfortable family atmosphere
DAILY SPECIALS FOR BREAKFAST & LUNCHMon-Fri 7am to 2pm
Sat & Sun 6am to 2pm
Finish a full-sizeomelette and have
your picture put onour wall of fame!
Chris Allen of Auburn
Wall of Fame Inductee
Good to the last
bite!
Deb Wagemann
Deborah J. Wagemann,a representative of Mod-ern Woodmen of America,has been named to Mod-ern Woodmenʼs 2010Presidentʼs Cabinet. Thisdistinction recognizesWagemannʼs highachievement in life insur-ance sales and rankingamong the organizationʼstop representatives na-tionwide.
Founded in 1883, Mod-ern Woodmen of Americatouches lives and securesfutures. The fraternal ben-efit society offers financialservices and fraternalmember benefits to indi-viduals and familiesthroughout the UnitedStates.
"When we walk to theedge of all the light wehave and take the stepinto the darkness of theunknown, we must be-lieve that one of twothings will happen.There will be some-thing solid for us tostand on or we will betaught to fly."
– Patrick Overton
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201148
NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and otheritems to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up and leaveyou alone: "So, what are you wearing?"
Out & About at Hot Stuff Tanning &
Wellness Center
Justin & Alex Tardif,Stacy Dennis &Michelle Borden
Matt Gilbert w/ hisWakisashi Sword &Steven Gilbert
Xtreme Martial Arts Students
Misty EdgecombME Massage Therapy
Get your tan on right here!
It’s Hot Stuff!!
730 Center Street, AuburnAuburn Plaza, next to Flagship Cinema
376-4855
Sushi Bar
Japanese • Korean • Thai
Executive Sushi Chef from Bostonevery weekend
No MSG
Every dish can be prepared vegetarian
Daily Lunch Specials 11-2:30
Full Bar
www.jasminecafemaine.com
Grand Opening
Celebrationall month
long!
Now Open!
$5 OFFPurchase of $25
or moreLimit one per visit
Expires 5/31/11
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 49783-7039
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Cozy ........................ Small
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: No extra fees ............... No extras
Kut ‘Em Up Lawn KareKut ‘Em Up Lawn KareCOMMERCIAL/RESIDENTIAL
Clothing, toys, furnitureand everything in between!
Newborn thru Kids sizes
$5 OFFYour $25 purchase!
Must present coupon or mention ad • Expires 5/31/11
Kids Love Our ClothesMoms Love Our Prices
Frequent Shoppers Program enables you to save
even more SHOP MORE $AVE MORE!
Ask us how!!
Out & About at Hot Stuff Tanning &
Wellness Center
Paige & Rick GonyaXtreme Martial Arts Students
Just kickin' it!
Gotcha
Farmer Josh killed apig and hung it up forthe night, intending tobutcher it in the morn-ing, but the next day itwas gone. He didn't tella soul about it, andnothing happened formore than two months.
Then another farmer,who lived down theroad, came by andsaid, "By the way Josh,did you ever find outwho stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Notuntil just now."
"Sometimes your joy isthe source of yoursmile, but sometimesyour smile can be thesource of your joy."
-- Thich Nhat Hanh
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201150Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Deluxe ...................... Standard
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Standard .................... Sub-standard
YTH2042 Yard Tractor
Price...$1599
Price...$399Price...$1699
Micaela Kellyof Lewiston has recentlyjoined the crew at PanacheStudio for Hair, Nails andMassage at 20 Coburn Streetin Auburn. Micaela is a 2007Graduate of St. Doms Acad-emy and also graduated inJuly 2010 from The PaulMitchell Hair School inTampa, Florida. The PaulMitchell School is designedto teach stylists the skillsthey need, inspire them toexplore their passion andcreativity, and help themlearn the business that willmake their careers in thebeauty industry fun and re-warding. Micaela specializesin colors & cuts, but her fa-vorite thing to do is updos;she also offers manicuresand pedicures. For an ap-pointment with Micaela con-tact Panache today at782-9009. Panache is a fullservice hair, nail and mas-sage studio. They offer cuts,colors & highlights, exten-sions, updos, perms, wax-ing, manicures & pedicures,artificial nails and massageservices. Panache is locatedjust off Center Street inAuburn at 20 Coburn Streetand are open Monday thruSaturday. Check out their adon page 42.
Micaela Kelly joins
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201152Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Superior .................... One free shower cap
Interpreting Hotel Brochures: Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
Month of May
Taylor Brook Mall14 Millett Drive, Auburn
782-3457www.annsflower.com
Ann’s Flowers
PromsRecitalsGraduationNurse�s DayMother�s DayMemorial Day
In 1974, Ted Gian-noulas debuted as theSan Diego Chicken.Giannoulas took a jobfor a radio station in1974 to dress up as achicken and deliverEaster eggs at the SanDiego Zoo. He didsuch a good job thatthe radio station askedhim to appear in thesame outfit at a SanDiego Padres game.The rest is history.
Magic Show Fund Raiserto benefit
The Conn Family of Turner
Master illusionist Lyn Dillies has mesmerized audiences of all agesthroughout the U.S. and Canada for over 2 decades. Hailed as thefinest female magician in the land, Lyn’s engaging personality,along with the hypnotic lighting effects and dynamic music of hershow, wrap the audience in a blanket of spectacular, eye-defying il-lusions that keep them saying, “How did she do that?”Appearing on numerous TV shows, Lyn has shared the stage withsuch notable entertainers as Marvin Hamlisch, Jeff Dunham, Bill
Engval, Crystal Gayle. and Mikhail Baryshnikov. One of the proudest moments of Lyn’scareer was when she became the first illusionist in magic history to make two live Asianelephants, Ruth and Emily, appear in succession. In 2009 she received the prestigiousMerlin award from the International Magician’s Society for Female Illusionist of the Year.
Lyn Dallies
Heidi Conn has very recently, unexpectedly, become a para-plegic. Medical costs are huge as she bravely learns to adjust toher new circumstances. Both Heidi and her husband Doug arelife-long educators who live in Turner. They have spent a life-time helping others. It is time for us to help them. Please help.
What? World Class Magician at Leavitt Area HS, Turner
Spaghetti Supper
Basket Auction/Games and Prizes
What? May 21, 2011. Two shows, matinee and evening
How Much? Adults $20 • Students $10 • Under 5 free if on lap
America’s Premier Female IllusionistAmazing! Dynamic! Spectacular!
Rt. 100 • New GloucesterHours: Mon-Fri 8am-10pm • Sat-Sun 7am - 10pm 926-3434 Breakfast Served Daily until 11am
Spring into Mario’s!!
Call ahead for takeout or enjoy a meal in our full service dining room!!
I’m headin’ toMario’s!
The Little Place with the Great Taste
Just$8.95100% Lobster Salad Roll
Handcut FriesMini Whoopie Pie
May Special!
Check us out online at www.mariositalianmaine.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 53783-7039
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They Had Simultaneous Headaches.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
782-2088150 Mill Street, Lewiston
www.davinciseatery.com
Pizza BuffetEvery Tuesday Night - 5pm-8pm
$9.50/pp
$5 Children 10 & under
Soup, Salad & Pizza
120 CENTER STREET PLAZA • AUBURN • 786-0715 • www.gippers.com
VOTED #1 Casual Restaurant & Best Burgers in L/A area
Shellac® isa breakthrough, patent-pending UV3 tech-nology that combines theease of polish with the per-manence of gels. A true innovation in chip- free, extended-wear color. Shellac® applies like a pol-ish-no pots-just a bottleand brush. And removaltakes just 10 minutes! Nofiling. No Drills. The re-sults? 14-day, glorious,high-gloss shine thats trulyaddictive! With 24 colorsto choose from there'ssure to be a shade you'llwant. And you can saygood-bye to “Is it Dry”time and hello to Zero DryTIME. Shellac® has no drytime because it is UV curedreach in your purse, grabyour keys, grab the wheeland drive off with the con-fidence that you haven'tjust ruined your polish. Nomore wear, chips orscratches, no more signsof wear.. just 2 weeks ofperfect, high-gloss shine.Isn't it time you get shel-lacked? For the perfectnails to compliment thatperfect look you strive for,contact Perfect ImageSalon & Spa today by call-ing 777-1611. PerfectImage Salon & Spa is lo-cated at 336 Center Street,in The Harvard Mall inAuburn. They offer com-plete hair services, spamanicures & pedicures,body treatments, facialsand massage services. Seetheir ad on page 55 FMI.
at Perfect Image Salon & Spa
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201154
"You may live in an imperfect world but the frontiers are not closed and the doors are not all shut." – Maxwell Maltz
"If wrinkles must be written upon our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old." – James A. Garfield
Nervous ExpectationSubmitted by Jimbo
Tired from waiting fortheir overdue baby, mydaughter and her hus-band broke the monot-ony one night with atrip to the movies. Mydaughter went inside toget seats while myson-in-law bought pop-corn and drinks in thelobby.
Paying for the refresh-ments, my son-in-lawknocked over his soda.The clerk mopped upthe mess and refilledhis cup. Rattled, hethen joined his wife.Talking over the back-ground music, he dra-matically described hisembarrassing episode.One of his expressivegestures upset thebucket of popcorn. Hesheepishly headedback to the lobby.
When he was out ofearshot, the woman sitting next to mydaughter turned andsaid, "You're not goingto let him hold thebaby, are you?"
Q: What is black andwhite and red all over?A: A newspaper
Q: What is black andwhite and red all over?A: A skunk with a sun-burn
Q: What is black andwhite and red all over?A: A zebra with a rash
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 55783-7039
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: New federal law requires that all nail clippers,screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.
336 Center St., Auburn777-1611
Now Offering SHELLAC Manicures
Call FMI
May Special
$10 OFFAny Facial or Massage
Out & About forThe Galloup School of
Lutherie Seminar atMain St Music Lessons
Sam Guidrytunes a guitar
Sam Guidryof The Galloup School of Lutherie
If you missed this great
seminar and need yourguitar setup properly,bring it down to Main
St Music, you'll be in good hands!
Sam Guidry & DennyBreau share a laugh beforeDenny picks on a custom
made Galloup Guitar
Denny Breauadmires the custom-made Galloup Guitar
Carroll Poulinowner of the former Carroll's Music, enjoysburning the last damagedLaSiDo Guitars from hisformer music store. Anyguitars that arrived fromLaSiDo damaged & un-repairable from ship-ping, had to be destroyedper LaSiDo.
May 7thBig Night withBROOKSIDEBLUES BANDDont’ Miss it!
Food & Drink SpecialsAll Month Long
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201156
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
TAYLOR BROOK DENTAL ASSOCIATES 784-1577
Why Choose Taylor Brook Dental?• Experienced, professional and courteous staff
• We’ve rolled back pricing to 2008 levels!
• Clean, modern facility with plenty of parking
• We offer Cosmetic & Preventative Dentistry Services all under one roof
• We accept the following insurances:Northeast Delta Dental, Delta Dental, State of Maine & Cigna
• We have Care Credit & SpringBrook Patient Financingavailable
• Our mission is to help our patients achieve extraordinarydental health
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 57783-7039 Capitalism is man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way around.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059: Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
27 MILLETT DRIVE, AUBURN • TAYLORBROOKDENTAL.COM
TAYLOR BROOKDENTAL ASSOCIATES
Taylor Brook DentalOur dentists serve patients in Auburn, Lewiston, Poland,Minot, and surrounding towns. We are here to providequality, comprehensive dental treatment in a friendly,
caring atmosphere. Our goal is to help the patientachieve optimal dental heath throughout their lifetime
Wide-Ranging ServicesOur dental services include crowns, bridges,
dentures, dental extractions, tooth whitening,cosmetic dentistry, root canal, fluoride treat-ment, and all other major areas of dentistry.
$AVE HERE!TAYLOR BROOKDENTAL ASSOCIATES
We’ve rolled back to our2008 pricing!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201158
Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!
A rich man is the one who isn't afraid to ask the clerk to see something cheaper.
SAVE GAS - RIDE A GOLF CART• Campers • Senior Citizens• Campground and RV Owners• Free Delivery - 40 mile radius• Conversion Lift Kits • 4 passenger cars
497 Washington St. Auburn • 783-3232
HUGESALE
Out & About at the8th Annual Chili
and ChowderTaste Challenge
• Driveway, Walkway & Parking Lot Sealing
• Crack & Pot Hole Repair...and more
Clean, ProfessionalFree Estimates
and all at rates lower than our competitors
Stick With Me
Gary 577-8783
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 59783-7039 Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
"A note of music gains significance from the silence on either side." – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
• Excavating• Concrete• Septic System Installation• Water or Sewer Connections• Retaining Walls• Screened Loam & Gravel Delivery
Residential Projects – We Do That!
Call for your FREE quote!
20 Highland Spring Road, Lewistonwww.stlaurentandson.com • 784-7944
Locally owned and operated since 1970
Call for your FREE quote!
www.cassiels.com
Simple SerenityExpress Facial
1/2 Hour MassageParaffin Treatment
Sweet BlissEuropean Facial1 Hour Massage
Paraffin Treatment
71 East Avenue • Lewiston, Maine
(207) 783-3321
Pure IndulgenceEuropean Facial1 Hour Massage
Spa Manicure & Pedicure
The Royal Treatment1 Hour European Facial
1 Hour MassageSpa Manicure & Pedicure
Haircut & StyleBare Minerals Make-Up Application
Luncheon Plate Served
Gift Cards Are Always Available
Pamper your Mother with one of ourspa packages this Mother’s Day! Growing their Family
Dawn JessemanMaine Family Federal CreditUnion announces the hiring ofDawn Jesseman.
Dawn, the newest teller inAuburn, previously was em-ployed at the Child Health Cen-ter in Oxford as a ChildcareTeacher. She brings years ofbookkeeping experience toMaine Family as well. She is ex-cited to be working for MaineFamily because it has a familyfeel to it.
Maine Family Federal CreditUnion is a cooperative dedi-cated to helping our memberslead a healthy economic life byproviding personalized financialsolutions. Our mission guidesus in how we interact with ourmembers every day. Experiencethe Feeling of Family. We wantyou to feel like you're part ofour Family.
You are eligible to become amember of Maine Family CreditUnion if you reside, work, wor-ship, attend school, or have im-mediate family members whoreside within our field of mem-bership of AndroscogginCounty. Simply opening a shareaccount with a minimum de-posit of $25.00. See our ad onpage 51.
Q: In what school doyou learn to makeice cream?
A: In Sunday School
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201160
Never give the devil a ride; he will always want to drive.
It is unfortunate that, as we grow up, nature robs us of the knowledge of what youngsters are always giggling about.
Out & About at the Summerfest Shootout
A fundraiser for Windham Summerfest
All photos by Port City Photography
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 61783-7039
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." – Mario Andretti
"Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." – Robert Orben
Smooth Sailing
Last summer my wifeand I met a couple at arestaurant. After lunch,the women decided togo shopping, and I in-vited the man to go sail-ing. While we were outon the water, a stormblew up. The tide hadgone out, and we weredown wind trying towork our way backthrough a narrow chan-nel. At one point theboat grounded and wehad to climb overboardand shove with all ourmight to get it back indeeper water.
As my new friend stoodthere, ankle deep inmuck, the wind blowinghis hair wildly, rainstreaming down hisface, he grinned at me,and with unmistakablesincerity said, "Surebeats shopping."
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201162
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook.(Uncle Andyʼs suggests you throw away your cookbooks and go to Village Inn...)
"Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard and not seen." – Leonardo da Vinci
You can't kill time without injuring eternity.
20 Highland Spring Road, Lewiston333-3707 • www.MaineHeavy.com
Suspension Service • Oil ChangesInspections • Roadside Assistance
Turn Rotors • Summerize RV’sTune Ups & Much More!
LIGHT & HEAVY DUTY TRUCK SERVICE & REPAIRS
You can come to us or we can go to you!You can come to us or we can go to you!
Her Nana is Lisa atGreat Falls FCU,Lewiston Branch
Hop over to Great Falls Credit
Union... my Nana has agreat loan rate just
for you!
"I don't know who mygrandfather was; I ammuch more concernedto know what hisgrandson will be."
-- Abraham Lincoln
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com
THE VOTES ARE IN!2011 Chili & Chowder Challenge
FIRST PLACEBest Tasting Chowder
Judges’ Choice
SECOND PLACEBest Tasting Chowder
People’s Choice
THIRD PLACEBest Display
Outdoor PatioNow Open!
Michael Valee Sr. & Mitchell Valee
Stop in for a bowl of our award-winning chowder or one ofmany other delicious menu items!
– FULL BAR –
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 63783-7039
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
HARRIS BROTHERS
HARRISBROS.
Call us!No Separating Required!
743-3891PO Box 2002 • Norway, Maine 04268
SERVING: NORWAY • WEST PARISMINOT • MCFALLS • OXFORD
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Nick’s Mowers & Blowers
784-3676PawsInMotionGrooming.com
IT’S SPRING
MAKEOVER TIME!
PAWS IN MOTION
PET GROOMING
577-1816
SPRING TUNE-UPSMaintenance
and minor repair of small engines doneright at your home!
14 Highland Spring Plaza, Suite AHighland Spring Road, Lewiston
Ann Dumais Kelly Giambra Sue Poulin Kim Galgovitch Lisa Olmstead Pauline Guimond Lysa Ronan Valerie Kelshaw Jacinta Labbe
We are a full service salonWe Now Offer WiFi
would like to wish all our moms a very special Mother’s Day!Honor her with a gift card for any of our professional services.
Happy Mother’s Day
Dad!Knock, Knock?
Wanda. Wanda have
some more chili? Wanda who?
1
5 4
3
Out & About atthe 8th Annual
Chili & ChowderTaste Challenge
Who’s there?2
Sadie &Ken fromRolly’sDiner
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201164
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them,"because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
22 Albiston Way, Auburn
784-57881-800-377-9433
WWW.MAINEOXY.COM
V-Head Jack Stand
$44.99 ea
Out & About atthe Sebago Lakes
Chamber’s Business Break
Dave Garry,owner of Thatcherʼs
in Windhamtalks with attendees
Rachel Phinneybelieves that momentum isbuilding for the upcoming
chamber golf tourney
Alan Freedmanwill be signing
autographs all day
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 65783-7039
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Out & About atthe Sebago Lakes
Chamber’s Business Break
Tom Nash, Emily Wainwright & Melissa OʼBrien
Red is cool hot
Mark Wasowskishowing off his new redbelt he just got in karate
Barbara Clark &Rep. Gary Plummer
discussing how red istheir new favorite color
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201166
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A Maine Tradition
You Can Count On!
Portland-Lewiston Road, Gray • 657-4714 • www.ColeFarms.comJUST ONE MILE NORTH OFF EXIT 63 OF MAINE TURNPIKE
HALL IMPLEMENT CO.Jct. 202 & 302 at the rotary - Windham
892-6894
HALL IMPLEMENT CO.
892-6894hallimplementco.com
Mon.-Fri. 7:00-5:00 Sat. 7:30-12:00
CELEBRATING
50 YEARS
Offer valid until 5/31/11
$600OFF
X500 Tractor
Out & About at the Summerfest Shootout
A fundraiser for Windham Summerfest
All photos by Port City Photography
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201168
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers: Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Out & About at the Summerfest Shootout
A fundraiser for Windham Summerfest
All photos by Port City Photography
Ok, I want everyone in this column to look to
their right.
Windham Automotive
892-1212385 Roosevelt Trail, Windham
Saturday, June 18thDon’t miss the...
And be sure to stop by Ron’s Mexican Cantina & Grill.
All proceeds are donated to Camp Sunshine! Thank you for
your continued support!!
Sponsored by:
Always aCamp Sunshinedonation destination!
Employee Appreciation
Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone whodoes not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunchbreak, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we chipped in togetherand bought Albert a dictionary.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 69783-7039
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytalebegins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**..."
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Located on Rt. 115 in North Windham • 892-8220
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Dave & Maggie Garry, Owners
Stop in and find out for yourself why people
keep coming back!
Hours: Mon - Sat 11am - 10pm • Sun 12 - 8pm
RESTAURANT 892-9922907 Roosevelt Trail in Windham
Casual Dining in a Relaxed Atmosphere
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Try Thatcher’sToday!
It would be ourHONOR to serve
you a great meal.
Out & About at the Summerfest Shootout
A fundraiser for Windham Summerfest
All photos by Port City Photography
Shake ‘n bake...Shakin’ ‘n bakin’!
The ladies really dig this stuff...
Ricky Bobby, right tries toexplain his version of
“Shake ʻn Bake” to Derek
Hot & Cold Buffet-Style Catering
Professional service at an affordable priceTry Dad’s Place for your next event!
Kerri YoungMaine Family Federal CreditUnion announces the hiring ofKerri Young.
Kerri Young has previouslyworked at Stephens Pizza forabout a year as their cashierand cook. She is very excited tobe working for Maine Familybecause she loves interactingwith her co-workers and themembers. Kerri will be a tellerin the Lewiston office.
Maine Family Federal CreditUnion is a cooperative dedi-cated to helping our memberslead a healthy economic life byproviding personalized financialsolutions. Our mission guidesus in how we interact with ourmembers every day. Experiencethe Feeling of Family. We wantyou to feel like you're part ofour Family.
You are eligible to become amember of Maine Family CreditUnion if you reside, work, wor-ship, attend school, or have im-mediate family members whoreside within our field of mem-bership of AndroscogginCounty. Simply opening a shareaccount with a minimum de-posit of $25.00. See our ad onpage 51.
“How many peoplework in your office?”the boss asked the de-partment head.
“Oh, about half ofthem, sir!”
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201174The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
600 Center Street • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 786-0112Mon - Fri 9 am - 7 pm • Sat 9 am - 3 pm
www.gregoryshairstyles.com
UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP
v Fresh new lookv Same great staffv Same great servicesv Same location & hours
Out ’n About atCourtney &
Amanda’s Sweet 16Celebration
CourtneyMarston
Jamie Marston
Annette Dupre
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 75783-7039
I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.
Fully Insured • All Electrical Service Work• Houses• Cottages• Dormitories• Campgrounds• Schools
• Phone Cable• Camera Security• House Alarms• Lead Certified
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PLUS:• Install all sizes of generators, from portable to
stand-by generators• Install permanent line poles for new housing developments
We answer any emergency call 24 hours a day / 7 days a weekLicensed in Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts and Vermont
TRUE STORY:BOSTON, OREGON?Submitted by Jim Bossie
In 1843, a Tennesseedrifter named WilliamOverton, and his friendAsa Lovejoy, werefloating in a canoedown the WillametteRiver in Oregon whenthey came upon an en-ticing stretch of land.They beached theircanoe, and marveledat the beautiful moun-tains and the rich po-tential of all the treesthey saw.
Overton didnʼt have thequarter that was re-quired to file a landclaim, so he sold halfof his 640-acre shareto Lovejoy for 25 cents.They began to clearthe trees, build roads,and build the first build-ings. After a while,Overton decided tomove on, and sold hishalf of the share toFrancis Pettygrove.
In 1845 Lovejoy andPettygrove decidedthat it was time toname their new settle-ment. They agreed toflip a coin, and the win-ner could name thesettlement after thetown in which the win-ner came from. Petty-grove won the cointoss two out of threetimes. Pettygrove wasfrom Portland, Maineand Lovejoy was fromBoston, Massachu-setts... so the settle-ment became knownas Portland, Oregon.And the rest is history.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201176
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worstthing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
960 Main Street, Oxford • 539-4149500 feet North of the New Balance Factory Outlet Store
Largest Indoor Flea Market in the Area!
Open7 Days a Week8 AM - 5 PM
Featuring
131Vendors
Come to Oxford’s only original indoor flea market!
We carry risers, covers,baffle replacements, septic additives.
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT
G.A. DOWNINGCO., INC.
111 Woodman Hill RDMinot, ME 04258
207.782.4508800.924.4500
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
DRIVING RANGE MINI-GOLF
Open 7 days a week!
Burgers • DogsL-A’s Best Onion Rings
Fries • Ice Cream
RESTAURANT
Lake Shore Drive, (first left after the lake)Off Rt. 4 in Auburn
www.tabersgolf.comTABERS
Check usout online!
ReminiscingBy Travis Dow
As the sun filled my carwith warmth I stepped outinto reality as a light windcooled me down. Despitethese somewhat mild condi-tions, people came out inforce on April 14th for Taber'sopening day. Most peoplechose their vehicles on thisparticular day in lieu of thepicnic tables that many fami-lies have shared a meal onover the years.
Tabers is just as much apiece of L/A's history & futureas is the lake which it's park-ing lot, golf driving range andmini golf course overlooks. Atrue L/A past time. It’s justone of those things you haveto do a soon as you can do it,and do it as many times asyou can before winter rearsits ugly head again. It’s likedusting off the baseball gloveto play that first game ofcatch, or firing up your mo-torcycle for the first ride ofthe year...it’s a wonderful, fa-miliar feeling you can't getenough of and a sign thatspring and summer are trulyhere.
Diners sink their teeth intothe first bite of a Taber'sburger, onion ring, french fryor hot dog, savoring everysecond while golfers work outthose winter kinks in prepara-tion for the impeding season.The words they shout fill theair, and it tells me this isn'tthe last time they'll be hereworking towards perfection.
718, order # 718, is calledover the speaker, signalingand end to my reminiscing.
It’s time to truly experiencewhat I’ve been writing aboutall this time, and I suggest,you do the same. Get on outto Taber’s as many times asyou can this summer. Enjoya meal, an ice cream orfrappe perhaps, then hit abucket of balls and play around of mini golf. It’s experi-ences like this that you’ll lookback on and never regret everdoing too much of!
Extreme Sportsor Extreme Pain?
550 Lisbon Street, Lewiston, ME • 782-0831www.shermarnolds.com
SPRING SALE GOING ON NOW!There is no better investment than
a new kitchen or bath!
Exclusive Dealer of
Now AvailableLatest style of Cabinet Hardware makes
cabinetry look updated and new. Brass, Antique Brass, Burnished Metals,
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Assisted H
ome CareFor more information visit us at:550 College St., Lewiston
783-7375We cover Gray, New Gloucester, Turner, Augusta,
Windham, Brunswick, Topsham, Bath, Mechanic Falls, Norway, Bowdoinham, Pownal and surrounding areas.
Come Join Our Team!If you’re interested in flexible hours andvaried assignments, all with an excellent
support system, contact us!
Nancy Merrill: AdministratorHeather Trainer: Director of Nursing
Assisted Home Care
CNA’sTired of the
Same Old Same Old?
GREAT PAY & FLEXIBLE HOURS • BASE PAY $13.00 PER/HRWeekend Shift Differentials
Picking a new Pope
Submitted by Jimbo
There were twoCatholic boys, TimothyMurphy and AntonioSecola, whose livesparallel each other inamazing ways. In thesame year Timothywas born in Ireland,Antonio was born inItaly.
Faithfully they attendedparochial School fromkindergarten throughtheir senior year in highschool. They took theirvows to enter thepriesthood early in col-lege, and upon gradua-tion, became priests.
Their careers hadcome to amaze theworld, but it was gener-ally acknowledged thatAntonio Secola wasjust a wee cut aboveTimothy Murphy in allrespects.
Their rise through theranks of Bishop, Arch-bishop and finally Car-dinal was swift to saythe least, and theCatholic world knewthat when the presentPope died, it would beone of the two whowould become the nextPope.
In time the Pope diddie, and the College ofCardinals went to work.In less time than any-one had expected,white smoke rose fromthe chimney and the
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201186I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Find us & like us
on FACEBOOK
world waited to seewhom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic,Protestant and secular,was surprised to learnthat Timothy Murphyhad been electedPope!
Antonio Secola wasbeyond surprise. Hewas devastated, be-cause even with all ofTimothy's gifts, Antonioknew he was just a bitbetter qualified.
With gall that shockedthe Cardinals, AntonioSecola asked for a pri-vate session with themin which he candidlyasked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, anold Cardinal took pityon the bewildered manand rose to reply.
"We knew you werethe better of the two,but we just could notbear the thought of theleader of the RomanCatholic Church beingcalled POPE SE-COLA!"
(continued from previous page)
On April 13, 2002 theworld's first pair ofspacewalking grandfa-thers, named the SilverTeam, took the firstspace walk outside theinternational space sta-tion. They were theShuttle Atlantis astro-nauts Jerry Ross andLee Morin.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 87783-7039
We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them." – Robert Frost
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I learned something important about burning leaves- wait until they fall off the trees.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201188
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Residential/Commercial • Camp openings • Garages • RewiringStreet lighting • New construction • Renovations • Generators
Outdoor services • Meter upgrades
Jason DesmaraisMaster Electrician
740-2888Licensed & Insured
POOL & SPA CENTERESTABLISHED 1962
783-08581-800-244-08581975 Lisbon Rd., Lewiston
www.abcpool.com
Now available at...
• Unmatched flexibility - it’s a smoker, a grill, & an oven• Double-wall ceramics make it durable and fuel efficient
all year long• Turkey, ribs, chicken, burgers, roasts and vegetables -
the EGG cooks them all effortlessly• Bakes better than a brick oven - pizza, bread,
even pumpkin pie• The EGG is available in 5 sizes!
Stop by May 15th & check
out The Smokin’ Aces cooking demo with
the Big Green Egg!
Amy, Jason &Emily Desmarais
Pipsqueaks
Come see us at Pipsqueaks for
all your gently used chil-dren's clothing, toys, cribs, strollers and
much more.
Tub Baptism
A friend of mine tookher four-year-olddaughter to a bap-tismal service at herchurch. Later thatnight, her daughtertook all of her dolls intothe bathtub with herand held her own "baptism."
As she dunked eachdoll under the water,she repeated, "Now Ibaptize you in thename of the Father, theSon, and hold yournose."
Poland RegionalHigh School
Knights Baseball
GOLF TOURNAMENTSaturday, May 21, 2011
12:00 noon check-in • 1:00 p.m. start time
Teams of four$50 per player
$200 team
Includes greens fees,cart and dinner!
To register, please contact Colleen Quint at754-1356 or [email protected]
Registration and payment must be receivedby May 18th!
Fairlawn Golf & Country Club in PolandContests • 50/50
EMERSONTOYOTA
Prizes include a
2011 Toyota Yaris from
Emerson Toyota,
Golf Clubs, a Trip to
Hilton Head, and more!
Prizes include a
2011 Toyota Yaris from
Emerson Toyota,
Golf Clubs, a Trip to
Hilton Head, and more!
Shirley KingBelanger Realty
998-4516Your
lakefront&
residentialspecialist!
MICHIGANVENEER
Premium Quality Hardwood Logs& Veneer
www.miveneer.com
Minot Country Store174 Minot Ave., Minot
782-0650 212 Center St. Auburn 784-4444
Heating Oil • Kerosene • PropaneEquipment Sales & Service 225-3030
www.kkexcavation.com177 Turner St. Auburn • 783-1481
www.deadriver.com
14 Commerce Court, Hampden
1-800-205-8326WightsSportingGoods.com
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345-4301 • www.BryantEnergy.com
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COOPER PAVING
103 Cross Road, Minot • 345-3529
• Asphalt Paving
• Coal Tar Sealcoating
• Gilsonite Sealcoating
• Hot Rubberized Crack Filling
And More!
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201190
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Larry Strickland, Greg Letourneau and George Raymond
of ABC Pools
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A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest ofwhom, Gregory, had just started school.
A teacher commented to Gregory that shecouldn't believe he was already in first gradeand asked what his mother did all day now thatthe three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201192
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Spring is a great time to clean out attics, cellars & garages!
Over 10 years making unwanted stuff go away!!
Property Services • Especially ForeclosuresTrash outs, Lock changes & secured, Cellars pumped • Demolition (one room or the whole building)
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Trash & Garbage • Furniture & Appliances • Construction & Demolition DebrisBoilers & Scrap Metal • Brush & Trees • Buildings Demolished & Removed
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Farrell EnterprisesFarrell EnterprisesOver 65?
Ask about seniordiscounts.
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Always home-cooked food made fromscratch at reasonable prices!!!
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786-06671485 Lisbon St., Lewiston
Mon. Tue. Wed. Thur. only
$1 OFFAny Breakfast or Lunch
with $5 or more purchase
Expires 5-31-11
A visit to the spa...Sarah Jeanne’s was first class!
You know, a girl could really get used to this!
I heard that, Amanda! This is pretty
awesome!!
Out ’n About at Courtney & Amanda’sSweet 16 Celebration
"Trying to get everyoneto like you is a sign ofmediocrity."
-- Colin Powell
Vow Changes
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfastat the retirement home and were relaxing inthe library.
"You know," said Melba, "today, in mostmarriage ceremonies, they don't use theword 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used tolend a little humor to the occasion."
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 93783-7039 When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding,two-lane road.
ANDROSCOGGIN TITLE COMPANY
95 MAIN STREET • AUBURN, MAINE 04210
Title Insurance • Title Searches • Real Estate Closings
Bart Kelsea, President
(207) 784-6413
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922 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 777-7005(Corner of Sabattus & Garcelon Streets - Across from Val’s Rootbeer)
MELANSON CONSTRUCTION, INC.84 No Name Pond Road, Lewiston, ME • 784-5899
784-5899
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Yep, this is the life!
A visit to the spa...Sarah Jeanne’s was first class!
Out ’n About at Courtney & Amanda’sSweet 16 Celebration
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201194
I don't give a crap, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
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783-7299 or 576-4330
WE DON’T USE SUBCONTRACTORS
Loyal Digesters. Muchis happening this springand I know that for manyof you it has been hard towatch the Red Sox thusfar. I need you all to calmdown and take a deepbreath. If you are on theverge of seeking psychi-atric evaluation, donʼt doit. Trust me, all that willdo is confirm what yourfamily has been tellingyou for years and get youa vacation in a room withrubber walls, accompa-nied by a jacket that isnʼteven to keep you warm.
The Major LeagueBaseball season is oftencompared to a marathonand being an accountant,I ran a few numbers.Here is what I found, theaverage marathon is26.22 miles long and theMLB season is 162games long. At the end ofApril, the Red Sox haveplayed 27 games, whichis about 15% of the sea-son. That is like being 3.9miles into a marathon.There are figuratively22.32 miles left in theseason, which is plenty oftime to turn thingsaround, and hey, at leastthe first win of the seasonwas against the Yankees.Iʼll tell you what, to getyour mind off the Sox fora moment, go over toAnnʼs Flower Shop andget your Mummy aMotherʼs day arrange-ment or something for alost loved one for Memo-rial Day! The folks atAnnʼs know NEP (mymommy) and her VisaCard even better. I swear
(continued on next page)
OUT ʼN ABOUTWITH
MIAMI MIKE
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 2011 95783-7039 Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
800-561-8506Oxford/Auburn
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. she has walked in and re-quested one of every-thing before. For the bestflowers in town, Annʼs Flowers in Auburn neverdisappoints!
If that is already takencare of and you are stilldriving yourself bonkersover the former BostonBraves, then look for theSpring Meadows GolfCourse coupon in thisvery Digest. They have a2 play for the price ofone, and you donʼt haveto be a mathematician tofigure out that this is oneheck of a deal. Hit thelinks, enjoy the weatherand relax a bit. If thatdoesnʼt sound appealingthen maybe you shouldcommit yourself, youmight be crazy after all.Digesters, until nextmonth I am your MiamiMike...
(continued from previous page)
Important Political
Decisions
As a recent high-school graduate, I trav-eled to our state capitoland got to visit thehouse floor.
I stood there, thinkinghow difficult it must befor the people in thatroom to wrestle withimportant decisionsthat affect so many citi-zens.
It was then that I spied,sitting on one repre-sentative's desk, aMagic 8-Ball.
There was a duck thatwent to a local store tobuy chapstick, the clerkasked if he would paycash and the duck said,no, just put it on my bill.
783-7039
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo & Travis
MAY 201196
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.